


S̶i̶l̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶L̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶

by beautifulllyinpain



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Dark, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insults, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 95
Words: 183,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25110601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulllyinpain/pseuds/beautifulllyinpain
Summary: kihyun thinks he does not deserve a second chance in walking, but changkyun says otherwise.changkyun tells him that the beating is fine as long as it doesn't kill him, but kihyun didn't think it was right.these two souls want to fix each other, but how are they going to do that when they refuse to fix themselves first?⚠️ this book contains sensitive topics like self-harm, bullying and suicide. do not read this story if you're uncomfortable with such topics.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun, Lee Minhyuk/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu
Comments: 90
Kudos: 332





	1. Chapter 1

## c̶h̶a̶n̶g̶k̶y̶u̶n̶

he heaves out a heavy breath and wheezes out in pain. the cold contact of the bathroom floor against his bruising cheek is ironically nice. it soothes the pain but he can only laugh at the bitter reality, his beaten body is lying limp on the floor.

he didn't understand. changkyun didn't understand why they hated him so much.

he had friends but they all left. then he was alone but that didn't last long. and right now changkyun wishes more than ever to be alone than to have painful attention—the kind of attention that leaves him bruised and battered almost every day.

was it because he was an easy target? or was it because he was simply unlikeable? 

he could wreck his brain day and night and he still wouldn't know. but what he did know was that when his skin starts turning purple and his clothes dye a deep crimson that's when the satisfaction of everyone else begins. he's trashed and everyone smiles—sometimes even laughs.

changkyun became everyone's punching bag in the end that at this point he didn't care anymore. as long as _this_ doesn't kill him he doesn't care what happens to him.


	2. Chapter 2

## k̶i̶h̶y̶u̶n̶

his hands are already familiarised with the cold metal that comes into contact with the palms of his hands whenever he needs to move. that is his only means of moving anywhere. it is almost like a bitter reminder of his punishment. a mockery that even if he could stand on both feet he couldn't—he _wouldn't_. 

he didn't deserve to. he simply didn't earn that right anymore.

he closes himself off, rarely talking to anyone because he didn't see the use of socializing. he, however, does have friends. the ones that he met when he could perfectly walk. the same friends stuck by him 'till this day when he mobiles around in a wheelchair day and night.

they tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault. but it never got through. they told him that he had a chance to walk again. that still didn't get through.

it isn't fair. kihyun didn't think it is fair for him to be walking around after everything. one lays still while the other walks? that's hardly fair.

this is his retribution and he will accept. not gladly, but guiltily. he now lives every day with a cold metal reminder of why he didn't deserve to walk like everyone else.


	3. Chapter 3

changkyun runs as fast as his battered self could let him. his feet burn and he can't tell if it is because of his bruises or if it is simply because he has been running for long. no, he's not running away from his bullies—not now at least. his brother had reminded him this morning that the moving truck would arrive at 4 p.m. and that he needed changkyun's help to load the things. 

it's currently 4.55 p.m. and changkyun could only imagine the nagging his brother would give him. 

he didn't care about the painful throbs coursing through his body with every intense step or the fact that the strong iron smell burns his nose from his stained shirt. his mind only races more when the moving truck comes into view. he knows that minhyuk would not leave this alone.

and he stands corrected when he hears him already yelling changkyun's name just as he runs into the gate.

"for christ sake changkyun!" minhyuk says from the doorstep as soon as changkyun is at sight. "i told you _4 p.m._! which time zone did you think i was referring to because i'm pretty sure it has always been Korea standard time," he says sarcastically with his arms crossed across his chest, beady eyes slightly glaring at his brother.

"i—i'm sorry, hyung," changkyun pants. he grunts in pain as he clutches his lower ribs when heavy breaths forcefully leave his chapped lips trying to regain the lack of oxygen.

"th—what the fuck?" minhyuk makes his way. he holds both of changkyun's shoulders making him stand upright to have a good look at his state but the younger groans in agony when he puts a little too much pressure on his bruised area.

"sorry," minhyuk apologizes softly and loosens his grip. "what did they do, changkyunnie?"

"please hyung, not now," changkyun begs. "w—we need to load the things into the truck."

"fuck that!" he curses. "tell me, changk—"

"please!" changkyun pleads desperately. "please. i promise to explain everything later. i just—want to leave before mom and dad gets home... please." 

minhyuk can only sigh and comply with him because he doesn't want to push his brother. he knows that changkyun will eventually tell him, he just has to be patient. pushing him will only result in him shutting minhyuk out and that's much harder to coax.

"fine, but i'm not letting _this_ slide. go and change your shirt then load your boxes into the truck, okay?" 

changkyun exhales with relief and nods, rushing in to change out of his bloodied shirt while minhyuk stands right where he is, frustratingly running his hands through his hair and sighs. he really hopes moving will help changkyun, if not a lot then at least a little.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

"wow!" changkyun exclaims jumping in his seat when minhyuk pulls up right in front of their new house. 

"why are you acting like this is your first time seeing the house? _we_ chose this house together."

"it's just—it looks even better now that we own it and we get to live in it! have you met the neighbors yet?" changkyun prompts excitedly as minhyuk unbuckles his seatbelt.

"i haven't had the time to," he tells him. "i might invite them over for dinner someday. now, help me unlock the door. the truck should be here any minute." 

changkyun, without any hesitation, grabs the house key from his brother and runs towards the house. he stops right at the front steps once he unlocks the door and just takes a moment to digest all in. it isn't some big high-end house. but it's big enough for the both of them. it's cozy enough to give comfort and warm enough to feel safe. 

as much as it saddens him that his brother worked hard to buy this house for them just so changkyun would have a comfortable place to live in, he is very much excited to feel the sense of _home_ in this new place. he hasn't felt it in so long that he lost the sense of it.

minhyuk just wants a safe haven for changkyun to go back to.

sure, minhyuk loves his parents, but he will not tolerate the fact that changkyun was not accepted in that household. it was bad enough that changkyun had to go through shit at school, he only wishes the opposite when he comes home. this only further proves how much minhyuk loves his younger brother and that he would do anything for him.

"im changkyun!" minhyuk yells from outside just as the truck pulls up. "stop drooling over the fucking house and help me, you lazy ass! you can have plenty of bonding time with the house later." 

oh, minhyuk loves his brother so much that it shows.

with a goofy grin plastered on changkyun's face, he skips towards the parked truck and helps unload the boxes. this smile alone is enough to let minhyuk know that he had made the right choice in moving out. minhyuk can't remember the last time he saw a genuine smile on the younger's face and it sometimes scares him when he scouts through his memories to realize that it as been years—an unhealthy amount of years since changkyun actually smiled.

today he got to see a glimpse of that and it sparks a tiny hope in him that changkyun willbe okay.


	4. Chapter 4

"oh? the lights are turned on in that house," hyungwon points out as he peeps through the curtains from kihyun's room. two of his friends had decided to stay over at his house after class and somehow they had lost track of time and are now waiting to be called by kihyun's mother for dinner.

"jesus hyungwon, stop spying on the neighbor," kihyun retorts, hitting the taller's leg. hyungwon grunts and lets the curtain go before falling beside wonho on kihyun's bed. the larger male pulls hyungwon closer to him to snuggle up warmly against him. 

"offensive of you to not inform us that you have a new neighbor," wonho buds in, eyeing his friend who situates himself in his wheelchair right in front of the window.

"that's an unnecessary thing to inform," kihyun deadpans with a shrug. sure he had noticed the moving truck parked outside his neighbor's house two days ago but really kihyun didn't even think about being friendly with them. that's the least of his concerns.

"oh come on! don't tell me you're not at least a tad bit curious as to who they are?" hyungwon whines as he places his chin on top of his arm that rests on wonho's chest, looking at the shorter male. 

kihyun rolls his eyes. "unlike you, i'd rather mind my own business."

"i think that's called common courtesy, you know, to be friendly with your neighbors," hyungwon counters.

"their son is pretty cute," wonho tells them.

hyungwon's interest is peaked contrary to kihyun's who stays unfazed. he hasn't seen his new neighbors yet and he isn't one bit curious either. he dully watches the two flirts exchange conversations with each other about the new neighbor boy. he didn't mind being their third wheel, he is very much used to it. but he, however, will not tolerate PDA from them—which has happened one too many times in front of him to be scarred.

their conversation soon sidetracked to their miscellaneous topic and kihyun finds himself turning his wheelchair towards his window that overlooks the neighbor's window. the light _is_ on, he notices. he wheels himself a little closer when he makes out a small figure a little to the right of the window. kihyun stares a little longer until the figure is now fully facing out his window. looking right at him.

they made eye contact which seems to send a slight panic to the older. and the figure—a young male he realizes—smiles at him with a shy wave. kihyun, on the other hand, composes himself and glares back before drawing the curtain fully, leaving the younger boy wondering what he had done wrong this time.


	5. Chapter 5

"changkyun-ah!" minhyuk calls from the kitchen. almost instantly, changkyun runs down the stairs to aid minhyuk's call.

"hyung?"

"would you be the sweetest baby brother and hand these casseroles over to our neighbor?" minhyuk asks in a honeyed tone.

"is there another brother i don't know about because i'm unfortunately the only brother you have," changkyun tells him with a shrug. minhyuk turns around and narrows his eyes at him, not because he talked back but because of what he said.

"you know i'm lucky to have you as my baby brother, right?" minhyuk tells him as he approaches the younger boy who looks slumped with his shoulder drooped and head lowered.

"hyung~" he huffs.

"i'm sorry—what? yeap, you're my baby brother," minhyuk finalizes. "and i wouldn't ask for anyone else." changkyun just stares at him, speechless. the older notices the silence and that's when he see his wide-eyed little brother looking at him heavy with the brim of doubt. he walks over to changkyun and brings him into a hug, gently rubbing his back to comfort him.

"let me in on your thoughts," minhyuk says softly. he usually does this and asks the younger what he's thinking. changkyun tends to be closed off on his thoughts often and minhyuk had learned that with gentle coaxing he is able to make the younger open up at least a little.

"do you think mom and dad wished for a better son?" changkyun asks. he sighs and pulls apart in arm's length to look at him.

"i think they do," minhyuk tells him in all honesty because there's no point lying when the truth is loud enough for everyone to hear. people know how their parents always put minhyuk up in a pedestal while changkyun remains at the plinth and no matter how hard he tries he never seems to be able to climb his way up.

"but you know what else?" the younger stares up at him with glossy eyes.

"they're missing out on so much because of that. they easily let go of the most kind-hearted and sweet person a parent could ask for. you're gentle, selfless, so caring, you love to make others happy and trust me, it's their loss, not yours."

changkyun's eyes glisten as he pouts. "y—you're cheesy, hyung!"

"i hate cheese!" minhyuk retorts playfully, lightening the mood. changkyun chuckles a little and this eases the older's heart. he gives a short peck on the younger's forehead before ruffling his hair.

"it doesn't matter what they think now. you have me and i'll love you and provide you the best i can—always," minhyuk reassures him with a small smile. changkyun jumps into his arms and hugs him tight.

"i love you too hyung," he mumbles against his chest.

"my heart's all mushy. now, if you don't leave the neighbor would think i hate them because i served them a cold casserole."

"but weren't you the one that said our neighbor's a bitch?" changkyun asks, confused. minhyuk gasps dramatically at that before flicking the younger's head.

"im changkyun, who fucking taught you to curse in a holy household?!"

without hesitation, changkyun points his bony index finger at minhyuk. "well, i do not condone it and this casserole is for the _other_ kind neighbor." changkyun mouths an "O" and nods silently. "run along now. shoo!" minhyuk chases him out of the house with the hot casserole in his hand.

changkyun, as nervous as he is around new people, is excited to meet one of his new neighbors and so he doesn't mind delivering these over to them. he notices a ramp just beside the steps of the neighbor's house which is slightly odd considering the other houses didn't have one. changkyun, however, didn't really think too much at that and continues his way up the steps. he maneuvers his right elbow over to the doorbell and waits for the door to open.

not a minute later the door flies open, but changkyun sees no one which confuses him—no one at his initial eye-level that is.

"can I help you?" a voice comes from slightly below. changkyun shifts his gaze and sees a male—probably around minhyuk's age—seated in a wheelchair. it is the same guy he had waved to the night before and his face right now looks anything but pleased which does intimidate changkyun.

"hello?" the guy calls, dripping with irritation as he snaps his fingers up at him. "are you deaf or something?"

"i—umm—"

changkyun clears his throat to start over. he is not going to let his fear ruin this moment. it's a new neighborhood, a new life (somewhat). a new chance to start over and he's hoping to make at least one friend in this neighborhood since school is already a lost cause.

"hi!" he greets with a bright smile. "my brother made this for you and your family. we just moved in," changkyun tells him as he hands over the casserole. the guy accepts it silently. "i—i hope you'll enjoy it!"

"sure," he mumbles.

"i'm **Im Changkyun** ," he introduces with an extended hand.

" **Yoo Kihyun** and i gotta go."

"oh, i ju—" and just like that the door slams right in his face. changkyun yelps at the loud sound and holds his heart, massaging the skin over it to calm him down. he would be lying if he said that it didn't sadden him to get this reaction _here_ as well. he accepts it nonetheless because really it's nothing new for the younger. it's almost as though it is an unspoken rule to hate him.

but changkyun is stubborn, and he will not let this chance to make a friend slip by just because of one short encounter.

_Yoo Kihyun._

the name lingers in the younger's mind as he walks home. he's cold and arrogant. changkyun knows that he could possibly get hurt again by initiating another friendship especially when this one flat-out scream _red flag_. but at this point, he doesn't care. he will try again tomorrow. and if this leaves him broken in the end then so be it; he's broken beyond repair anyways.


	6. Chapter 6

it's not like it gets any easier every day at school for changkyun—it doesn't, but there are some days where it is slightly a bit more tolerable for him to get through whereby the most he'll probably get out of those days were just insults shouted at his face or worst comes to worst spoiled milk being poured on him.

unfortunately, today isn't one of those days.

if he was lucky enough he could catch the bus ride back from school considering it is a good long-distance from their new house. but the events of today left him unconscious on the rooftop floor. he had woken up to a throbbing body and pounding head. it took him at least 15 minutes to stagger his way down the steps and out the school gates which by this point the compound was almost empty.

he didn't run back home, not that he couldn't. he simply didn't want to. going home—his new home—still feels a little foreign for the younger male and although he is happy that he had moved, it will take some getting used to before he can officially call this new home _his home_.

besides, walking the 30 minutes or so journey (depending on his pace) gives him umpteen time to think or in many cases to evaluate his flawed-self. his mind somehow always tends to wander back to his unfortunate fate.

changkyun did try many times to pinpoint what was wrong with him. he had even asked minhyuk a couple of times but every single answer given was useless as the older would always tell him, _"there is nothing wrong with you"_ to which he calls total bullshit. if there was nothing wrong with him, why didn't anyone like him?

the same could be said about his parents. he can almost laugh bitterly at the fact that people call him a 'miracle baby', whatever the fuck that means he thinks. so much for being a miracle baby when all his parents ever did was being anything but parents to him. they treated him like a piece of excess baggage and probably the only time they were "actual parents" to him were times when they would scold him for miscellaneous things.

he didn't understand why minhyuk wouldn't tell him how to better himself. didn't his brother care about him? didn't he want changkyun to be better so at least a few people would like him? it also didn't help that his brother's boyfriend is as sweet as him that even he wouldn't tell changkyun what was wrong with the way he was.

is it his face? his body? the way he talked? maybe the way he walks irritates them? or is it simply his whole presence is a nuisance?

he wishes he knows so that he could fix that.

all changkyun's thoughts simultaneously become blank in his head when he sees a built figure walking the opposite direction to his way. the guy looks anything but friendly. he hadn't realise he was staring (mostly out of fear) until the male looks right at him in the eyes. the male frowns, tongue poking the inside of his cheek as he scans the smaller's frail, trembling body. changkyun immediately takes this as a bad sign. maybe he wanted to hurt him seeing as he looked so defenseless and vulnerable? he is an easy target for everyone anyways.

changkyun clutches the strap of his school bag tighter as he increases his pace. his house is close by and lucky for him the stranger had passed it. the slow pace before had helped him to walk normally a little. now with a much fast pace, changkyun has no choice but to limp the rest of the way to his house to avoid any sort of painful confrontation with this stranger.

the younger did however visibly flinch when the stranger suddenly stops just as changkyun passes by him. he whimpers slightly in pain when doing so, but this only further motivates him to move faster.

fortunately, he makes it back to his house unharmed. he pants hard, drawing the curtain slightly to see where the man had gone. oddly, the man stares at his house for a few seconds, sighs then walks away. 


	7. Chapter 7

after freshening up, changkyun makes his way downstairs. it is the weekend so it didn't surprise him to smell something cooking in the kitchen when the time is already close to noon. but what did surprise him, however, is the extra voice he hears. minhyuk's talking to someone and this prompts him to go down faster.

once he reaches the bottom of the steps he sees two curious heads turn his way and each simultaneously gives him a warm smile.

"good afternoon, changkyun," shownu—minhyuk's boyfriend of 4 years—greets politely like the gentleman he is known to be.

"hi hyung." the younger smiles back as he makes his way to take a seat by the kitchen counter right next to the older male.

"hey, changkyunnie!" minyuk chirps, looking at his younger brother over his shoulder before going back to flipping the last batch of pancakes.

"i didn't know you'd be coming today, hyung."

"thought i might drop by to see how you guys are settling in this new place."

"such a sweetheart," minhyuk beams as he brings over the pancakes and places them in front of changkyun. minhyuk then bends to shownu's eye level and pecks his lips. shownu mirror's his boyfriend's smile after the kiss looking at him with so much endearment. 

"don't make out," changkyun mutters loud enough, stabbing into the pancake. the couple chuckles and carries on their own conversation while changkyun dwells in his own morning thoughts whilst enjoying his banana pancake.

changkyun's a little jealous. and he would be lying if he said he wasn't jealous of minhyuk at all in general. of course, he loves his brother and only wants what's best for him but he does wish he had his good fortunes. he wished people would love him like they love mihyuk. it just seemed like it is something so natural to _like_ minhyuk as a person. but changkyun will never admit these things to his older brother.

"minhyuk hyung," changkyun calls once he's done with his food. minhyuk hums, looking up at his younger brother for a response. "i'm gonna head out for a walk," he tells him, making his way to the sink to keep the dirty dish.

"sure kyunnie. be careful, okay?"

changkyun bids his goodbyes to the couple and heads out. the sun on this particular day isn't surprisingly flaring like any other days when it strikes noon. changkyun's momentary attention shifts to the house on his right and suddenly the rude neighbor comes into mind. he didn't tell minhyuk about his encounter that night. he simply told him that the neighbor was delighted that they were kind enough to offer something and minhyuk was glad, to say the least.

changkyun takes off mindlessly, allowing his feet to drag him wherever they wanted to wander. the pain from his muscles and bruises still lingers but it is tolerable enough for him to enjoy a peaceful walk. getting lost is his goal and not being spotted by one of his schoolmates would be an achievement. he isn't sure if anyone from that godforsaken school lives here in this neighborhood, but he prays and hopes not.

somehow changkyun's throbbing feet manage to take him to a small abandoned park. okay, to be fair the park doesn't seem all _that_ abandoned when you take into consideration the freshly painted benches placed randomly and the fact that the little modern recreational movements are in good condition. it just seems eerily deserted because there is no one there. changkyun thinks it is perfect. some alone time is much needed with the added bonus of fresh air.

he decides to fit himself near a tree just beside the mini slide. just as changkyun jogs over to the tree, a faint sound—almost like a whimper—catches his attention. his head turns both directions before they focus on an object. a wheelchair. and it's turned over right next to the visible veiny roots of the tree. he immediately makes his way to help, knowing the must've bumped and fell.

that's when he sees a man right in front of his wheelchair, his body crouched to tend to his wounds as he elicits an array of curses. the younger male quickly brings the wheelchair upright and have it positioned so that it'll be convenient enough for the other to sit on it.

"let me help," changkyun tells the man who had jump from his sudden presence. changkyun was too consumed with helping the man to see his face. carefully, he places his hands under the other's arms and lifts him off the ground and onto the wheelchair. it did take him a deep breath or two to carry his entire weight off considering changkyun's frame is much smaller compared to the stranger. nonetheless, he manages to get him seated safely. his attention then shifts to the male's wounded knees.

"we need to get these cleaned," changkyun states, worried. "i can—"

"i don't need your help," the voice straight-out tells him. changkyun looks up, recognizing the familiarity of that voice, and his eyes widen upon realizing who this stranger is. "kihyun?"

"oh, it's you," he says bluntly, clearly not too pleased.

"ar—are you ok—okay?" he asks timidly when the male before him gives him a piercing scowl.

"peachy."

"you really sho—"

"look chang or chanyu or whatever the fuck your name is, i don't need _your_ help. thank you but i can take care of myself." changkyun flinches at how harsh his tone sounded and all the younger boy can do is nod silently, not wanting to annoy his neighbor further.

kihyun gives him one last displeasing look before he turns his wheelchair and wheels himself away leaving the now crestfallen boy alone. changkyun has his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing it painfully hard to hopefully tear it enough to feel some sort of pain—any pain really other than this ache in his heart.  
  



	8. Chapter 8

nervous doesn't begin to explain how changkyun feels at the moment. it's been a few days since the park incident and since then he hasn't seen kihyun at all—not that he had expected to in any way. the neighbor, being kihyun's family, had invited minhyuk and him over for dinner since they were new to the neighborhood which is rather sweet of them. and of course, changkyun had done all he could to skip this dinner because the last thing he needs is another embarrassing encounter.

"it'll be alright, chankyun. i promise you," minhyuk tells him as they prepare to leave their house. changkyun stares up at him with his pitiful puppy eyes, trying to get his way and stay home.

"come on changkyun-ah, it won't be so bad," shownu coaxes as well, lightly ruffling the younger's hair. changkyun huffs and mutters a _'fine'_ before dragging his feet just behind the couple over to their neighbor's front step.

it is kihyun's father that answers the door and he seems pretty welcoming, all smiles. he greets both shownu and minhyuk with a formal handshake while he hugs changkyun lightly which did take him by sudden surprise. kihyun's mother peaks out from the kitchen to offer her welcome as well. they introduced themselves and then headed to the dining area. changkyun looks around but he doesn't see kihyun anywhere which is a relief for the moment.

changkyun stays quiet the entire time while shownu and minhyuk did most of the talking with mr yoo. he has most of his attention on mrs yoo who's busy preparing the last additional touches for desert. when mrs yoo looks up momentarily her eyes quickly settle on the young boy and she smiles warmly at him.

"come here, sweetheart," she beckons when she notices how offsided the younger must be feeling. changkyun's eyes widen and he looks both left and right to make sure that she was definitely calling him and not any of their other (possible) children. when he doesn't see anyone else his confused gaze looks back to her.

"yes, _you_ sweetheart, come on," she says with a light chuckle. still dazed, changkyun timidly walks over to mrs yoo with his hands clammed together and head slightly lowered. "you're a shy little one, aren't you?" she says with amusement. changkyun opens his mouth to say something but nothing really comes to mind so he closes it and ends up tinting his cheeks a light pink at the unexpected compliment.

"s—sorry," he apologizes, lowering his head a little more.

"aw, sweetheart there's nothing to apologize for. you're simply adorable." changkyun knows his cheeks are surely red now. not that he doesn't get compliments, he rarely does and when he does he's a hot mess unsure with how to handle them.

"how are you liking the neighborhood so far?" 

"it—it's alright, i guess," he answers with a shrug. 

"you don't have to be so uptight with me, sweetheart. i won't bite," mrs yoo tells him with a smile as she lays a hand on his shoulder to pat him. but changkyun instinctively flinches before her hand even touches him which she then retrieves. changkyun looks up with shame and immediately bows his head to apologize once again.

"i'm s—sorry." 

it's not that changkyun hates physical contacts, it's just that the only other physical contacts besides minhyuk's and shownu's have always hurt him and so naturally changkyun gets a little too conscious around strangers especially when their standing close to him.

"i didn't mean to scare you."

"n—no you d—didn't. it's just—" changkyun gives up after that, sighing heavily. what was he suppose to say anyways? that he thought she was going to hit him that's why he reacted that way? not an ideal answer if you ask him. mrs yoo seems to understand the slight distress the younger is in and so she just lets it slide, not taking his actions to heart.

"changkyun sweetheart, it's alright. could you help me bring these over to the table." the younger quickly nods and takes the pot over to the dining table where the other three males are. minhyuk, upon seeing how changkyun is slowly opening up, unconsciously smiles at him proudly. changkyun helps with a few more dishes before going back to mrs yoo, waiting for her to give him something else to do. changkyun likes this quiet interaction because he knows he's pleasing mrs yoo by helping her and he doesn't have to make a full of himself by talking.

"sweetheart, could you call kihyun from his room? dinner's ready," mrs yoo tells him sweetly. "his room is down the corridor and on your left." changkyun nods but as soon he leaves the dining hall, he stops just at the foot of the corridor, hesitant for his next accounter with the male knowing that it would be anything but pleasant. 

"changkyunnie, " minhyuk calls, walking out of the dining hall. changkyun's scared gaze meets his. "what's wrong?"

"can you call him for me? kihyun hates me." changkyun mumbles.

"baby, how can he hate you when he's never met you?" minhyuk reasons, caressing the younger's hair.

"i—actually we have and i—he'll appreciate it more if you did it. please, hyung."

"babe could you come here for a sec," shownu calls just as minhyuk is about to answer. he sighs and looks at changkyun properly.

"you can do this, kyunnie. i'm sure those other times were unfortunately during his bad moments. he doesn't hate you, baby, he doesn't even know you yet. it'll be okay," minhyuk reassures and gives him a small smile. changkyun pouts. minhyuk plants a kiss on top of the younger's head and gestures him to go.

with one final heavy sigh, he walks. _down the corridor. on your left. down the corridor. on your left._ and that's when he stops at the only door on his left. changkyun lifts his hand to knock but he stops himself halfway, staring anxiously at the door. he knows he's going to get some kind of blow from the other male after this.

his train of thoughts was cut short when he hears the loud laughter coming from the dining hall. and he remembers how mrs yoo entrusted him to call her son. he didn't want to disappoint anyone again especially not her when all she's ever been is kind to him since he's been here. so he sucks it up. exhales deeply and finally knocks without giving himself time to think twice.

"come in," a gruff voice says on the other side, but the younger could unmistakenly identify it as kihyun. 

changkyun opens the door and his entire focus stays on the male in his wheelchair by his table. kihyun's head perks up and immediately changkyun notices the deep frown. changkyun wishes he could disappear at that moment. he didn't mean to upset the other, he was just doing what others wanted him to do.

"why the fuck do you keep appearing everywhere?" kihyun sneers.

"i—d—don't—i'm—"

"do you have a stuttering problem?" kihyun cuts him off. "but you seemed fine the other day though." changkyun could feel his eyes becoming hot and they burn from his emotions. he tries to hold it in by biting his lips. 

"y—your mom said t—that dinner's ready," changkyun blurts out the best he can with minimal stutter before running off, not into the dining hall but into the toilet. he knew if he were to enter the dining hall now looking like this than minhyuk (and even shownu) would not leave this alone.

changkyun hates himself for thinking things could be at least a little better here. these things are normal for him, but maybe he got a little too emotional for having such high expectations moving here. that's his problem then isn't it, for putting his expectations up on a pedestal? changkyun knows that people don't like him regardless if they knew him or not, that's just who he is and the sooner he accepts this the less likely he'd get hurt next time.


	9. Chapter 9

"are we ever gonna meet your cute neighbour?" jooheon whines to his stubborn ass of a friend who in return rolls his eyes. kihyun wheels his way to his shelf where his bookbag lies beneath to get his binder to continue his classwork—in advance.

"not likely," kihyun replies dryly.

"why not!" hyungwon chimes in dramatically as he walks into the room with wonho following close behind him. the taller falls right next to jooheon on kihyun's bed purposely hitting one of his legs on jooheon's before rolling off to the other side. "wait, what were you talking about?"

"kihyun's cute neighbor," jooheon tells him. he rubs his sore spot where hyungwon's leg landed while glaring at the male. "i asked when we can meet him."

"kihyun, when can we meet him?" hyungwon excitedly asks now.

"christ! i'm trying to get work done not waste time one some neighbor boy."

"you're trying to get _unnecessary_ work done. those topics are for next week. fucking buzzkill," hyungwon retorts. he then looks past kihyun where wonho stands, looking out of his window to what seems like the other's house.

"wonho, something interesting?"

kihyun turns his head towards the said male and notices how concentrated he is at the other's house.

"the neighbor might just call up the police on me for stalking. stop staring at his house," kihyun utters. jooheon jumps out of bed and strides his way next to wonho, looking at the other's house as well. if he turns his head a little more to the right where the front of the neighbor's house can be seen, jooheon sees what captures wonho's attention.

it is the (cute) neighbor boy sitting by the front steps. he's not particularly doing anything. just lazily kicking his feet here and there. watching how the boy mindlessly sits there brings an unintentional smile to jooheon's lips. moments later they see a man in a suit and tie walk up to him and the boy's face evidently lights up. 

"his dad looks really young," jooheon states, still not leaving his gaze from both their interactions. kihyun reverses his wheelchair and peaks through the small gap between wonho and jooheon to see who he's referring to considering both their parents didn't attend the dinner over at his house the other day.

"that's not his dad," kihyun clarifies, going back to his work. "that's his older brother's boyfriend." jooheon mouths an "o" then goes back to watching the boy.

"he must be having a pretty hard time at school," wonho suddenly says, gaze slowly retracting back to focus around the room he's in once the boy enters his house with the man. this catches everyone's attention, including kihyun's but he stays silent and continues with his work like it didn't faze him one bit.

"what makes you say that?" hyungwon prompts, sitting up properly as wonho now makes his way to him.

"i'm not too sure if what i saw is what i think it is, but he had blood on his uniform and he was limping the other day when i saw him walking after i left your house."

both jooheon and hyungwon audibly gasp out loud. 

"blood?" 

"you don't think this poor kid is being bullied, do you?" hyungwon asks sadly. he clings onto the older's arm already feeling down knowing that this poor boy might be getting hurt in school and just the possible thought that no one is helping him sends an uncomfortable chill down his spine. 

jooheon on the other end goes silent, the pit of his stomach dropping making him feel slightly sick. he knew people could be heartless monsters but still, he didn't want to fully believe that this boy would encounter such monsters.

"i don't know. i don't want to jump into any conclusions." the older notices how gloomy hyungwon has gotten and so he gently lifts the younger's chin up to make him look up at him. "hey, i'm sure his friends wouldn't let this keep happening. they'll do something about this," he reassures.

"i hope so," jooheon agrees, trying to be optimistic.

this, however, doesn't settle well with kihyun. sure, he doesn't like the boy; found him to be too timid around people and his stuttery nature irked him. he had also noticed a few times when the boy was simply _too_ happy (when he so happened to gaze out his window) and that too managed to pique him somehow. but he will silently admit that whatever he's just heard did concern him, maybe a little. 


	10. ⚠

if there was one fond memory changkyun will always want to relive it would be that one trip he, minhyuk and shownu took to Spain the last school semester holiday. initially, it was a planned couples trip for solely minhyuk and shownu but during the last minutes, they agreed for changkyun to come along knowing how lonely the younger boy would get at home—not that the younger minded. he could be doing his own things solitarily with the somewhat peace of mind he had left.

changkyun decided to use this trip as an opportunity to get his photography class project done. his teacher had asked everyone to do a scrapbook memory using a film camera of the memories that made them happy during the semester break. sure, most people would snap whatever they could find just to get the project over with, but photography happened to be one of the only classes he actually enjoys in school and he had carefully thought out how he was going to do it.

it is after hours in his school ground and changkyun had miraculously able to slip past his bullies and enter the developing room where his film canisters were with the rest of the photography students'. he had already started developing the first films which consisted of the first few days in Spain and plan to finish the rest at most by next week.

the very canisters contained pictures he wished to cherish for a long time and so he handles the negative film strip carefully so that he could reuse them in the future. one other reason why this project means so much to him is that he plans to gift it to both minhyuk and shownu as a means of appreciating for always being there for the younger when no one else would. 

changkyun couldn't afford much to give them anything but minhyuk did tell him once that what matters is what the mind was thinking and what the heart was feeling when getting the gift; that makes it meaningful and special. and changkyun for sure knows he put his entire mind and heart into this project for _them_.

after changkyun had done developing the first of his film canister, he hangs it up with film clips and lets it air-dry. he checks the time and decides to head home knowing how worried minhyuk would get if he were to leave anytime later. changkyun vacuously leaves the developing room, thinking his surrounding is safe since it is way past after school hours.

oh, how very wrong the innocent boy is.

as he exits the room a loud slam from a locker somewhere behind him scares him. he yelps and turns around only to see the two of the many other guys he dreaded seeing every single day. his face pales and his body begins to tremble with his hands clutch tightly around the strap of his bag. just as they take steps forward with a sickening grin etched on their lips, changkyun takes similar steps back hoping he won't trip from how bad his legs are shaking.

"wanna play, _changkyunnie_?" one of them derisive. he cringed at the name. 

"we were bored here waiting for you," the other one adds "we know a fun game."

"i—no—no," he whimpers in fear. the first guy bangs the locker beside him creating a slight dent from the force and this scares changkyun even more.

"what did you say?" he sneers, taking dangerous steps closer.

changkyun knows he's going to regret this tomorrow, but for once he wanted to not go home in pain where every routine up until the moment he wakes up the next day burns with the agonizing reminder of the previous day's incident and the incidents that are about to come when he steps foot outside his home. it is torture yet he still manages to endure it every single day. that being said, it doesn't mean changkyun hasn't wished for one painless day.

so he runs.

with every possible consequence he's going to face tomorrow temporarily erased from his mind, changkyun runs as fast as his feet could take him. he hears the two heavy steps picking up its pace behind him and this forces him to push himself further to run until his feet burns and muscle ache. he sees an alleyway come into view and quickly he brings himself there. once in, he desperately searches for a place to hide. the younger sees a dumpster just at the far end and he knows what he has to do.

he didn't think twice to jump in and close the lid above him. he knows he's not truly safe yet. the dumpster isn't entirely empty which is perfect enough for changkyun's smaller frame to wriggle himself between the large black garbage bags, covering his entire self. he tries his best not to gag from all the overwhelming smell stinging his nostrils. then his breath gets caught in his chest when the dumpster's lid is open.

changkyun slowly squirms himself deeper between the garbage bags and prays hard. tears prick his eyes falling one by one silently as he bites his lips to desperately hold in a fearful sob that threatens to leave his throat. he knows he's better off dead than to be caught by them at this moment.

the two boys' frustration is heard clearly and changkyun knows he's just dug his own grave by 1) running away and 2) by hiding. after a good minute, one of the boy slams the dumpster lid shut and everything becomes eerily silent. but changkyun didn't dare to move an inch. what if this is an elaborate scheme to make him come out? he didn't even know if the bullies are still anywhere near the area either.

his tears did stop eventually which turns into occasional sniffs. when changkyun thinks that it had been a sufficient amount of time, he pushes the heavy garbage bags to the side and slowly opens the lid, waiting for some kind of sound to give away their presence. he waits. and waits. and waits until he finally decides that _it is safe_ , he pushes the lid fully and jumps out.

almost immediately the bile in his stomach surges up and he doubles over by the side of the dumpster, emptying out all his content in a horrid gag. it didn't stop with just one go. it continues until all he feels coming out is the acid that now burns his throat. he goes into a fitful cough, wiping the tears brimming in his eyes as he tries to regain his composure.

at least tomorrow he won't wake up sore.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

he couldn't have predicted the next day's outcome any better. he probably should've pitched in a penny or two on it at this point. but what he didn't see coming was the kendo stick. this was new. this is much more painful. what are the odds anyways that one of the bully the day before happens to be taking kendo. changkyun hadn't known that. and he certainly wouldn't have thought that they would go as far as to hit him with _his_ kendo stick.

he knows that the skin on his back is split. it's bad, but he doesn't know to what extent it is. all he could feel is the burn of the deep wound when the cloth of his uniform grazed upon that very wound. other than that the throbbing from his black eye and bruised forehead sometimes distracts him from the pain on his back.

it's a sick win-win situation if you really look at it. one pain overshadows another. 

changkyun is now seated at his front steps, waiting for minhyuk to come home. he decides against sitting indoor because he couldn't lean against anything inside and with how his body is throbbing it seemed a little too suffocating to be inside at the moment. he'd rather be outside, relishing in the fresh air that eases his pain a little. he exhales deeply and looks up to the sky that is painted orange this evening—not particularly he's favorite color scheme but he'll still admire it.

his solitary peace, however, is quick to be interuptted by an array of shouts coming from his neighbor's house. kihyun's house. changkyun jumps at the sudden loud crash, whining in pain when he exerts too much pressure on his wound. seconds later the door slams over at kihyun's house and he sees an agitated kihyun wheeling himself down the ramp and past his house. what dumbfounds changkyun is the unmistakable tears he sees. kihyun is crying. 

although the other has done nothing but insult him and send death glares his way, changkyun didn't have the heart to leave him alone especially when he's crying. he knows how lonely it feels when there's no one there to comfort you in any way when you really need it.

changkyun takes in a sharp breath and stands in one-go before he starts running off to the other who, even though in a wheelchair, is already a good distance away. he ignores his screaming body to slow down and stop doing anything that causes further pain, yet changkyun is stubborn this way. 

changkyun knows he should care for himself first but he would simply throw himself away just so others could be happy because he knows he had no chance in happiness. why waste opportunities on him when it could benefit someone else?

when kihyun is already out of sight changkyun stops for a moment. the pain is his back seems to be long forgotten when his full concern is to find kihyun. the faint sniffling to his far-right makes him snap his head towards that direction. and he sees him. the male in his wheelchair stopped at the empty park—the same empty park where he fell and he had helped him.

changkyun takes in a few breathers to calm his nerves before approaching kihyun. at first, kihyun didn't seem to take notice of his appearance, not until changkyun stops just beside him. kihyun lifts his blurred vision to the boy he least expected to see and instantly frowns.

"fuck off," kihyun spits, voice evidently broken even though he tried to sound cold. the tears only continue to stream down his cheeks when he turns away from him. the last thing he needs is this nuisance of a neighbor to see him in this pathetic state. 

changkyun, on the other hand, does the exact opposite of what he was told. he situates himself just beside kihyun's wheelchair and as slow as possible wobbles his way down to sit on the ground. he bites his bottom lip to suppress the oncoming groans from how painful the wound is getting. he knows at this point that it's bleeding from all the vigorous movements, he can even feel the blood trickling down his back but that's the least of his concerns at the moment.

"are you deaf now? i said fuck off."

"you—you're upset—"

"yea, no shit sherlock!" kihyun exclaims angrily. "fucking idiot," he mumbles the last sentence which of course is heard by the younger. changkyun tries to ignore the slight stab in his heart. kihyun's upset so it's understandable to be this angry towards _him;_ changkyun reasons with his thoughts.

"you can hit me if you want..." changkyun offers in a really soft tone. kihyun stiffens. he's taken aback and it's quite possibly the first time that he really looks at the younger boy. his demeanor immediately drops. changkyun looks so beaten-up to the point he's wondering how the younger boy isn't even crying in pain at the moment.

"w—what..?" kihyun stutter in utter shock. yes, kihyun can be a dick, but hurting someone just to make himself feel better is fucking sick; even he knows that. 

"you c—can hit me, you know to release your frustration. it h—helps," changkyun tells him. and what hurts kihyun about those words he just uttered is how genuine he sounded. it seems like he's willingly offering himself to get hurt just so kihyun would feel better. and that's wrong. it doesn't settle well the least bit with kihyun that it actually makes him sick.

"are you mental? i won't hit you!" kihyun immediately declines. that's when he notices the strange reaction from the younger. he's _shocked_. the younger boy is shocked by his response which shouldn't be the case at all.

changkyun nods before exhaling, staring up into the sky that has now turned a deeper shade of orange with tints of ultramarine shading the clouds. he sits in silence until either of them has something to say or until kihyun decides to leave.

"aren't you going to say anything?" kihyun finally speaks, looking at changkyun who turns to look at him as well. "i'm sure you didn't come all the way here to sit with me in silence."

"isn't it sad how we tend to take nature for granted? i mean, the privileges we have like to walk amongst trees, bask under pretty colored skies and witness the different moods of nature every day. i think it should be appreciated more, not just in poetries or stories but in real life—like physically appreciate it."

kihyun stares at him again, confused by the younger's antics. changkyun sighs.

"sorry... i weirded you out, didn't i?" he mumbles sadly. kihyun wanted to say otherwise but he doesn't when he should've. he doesn't know how much the younger really needed this minuscule reassurance.

"i don't know you well, kihyun-ah," changkyun starts, pulling kihyun back to focus on him. "i don't know how to really comfort you. i'm scared if i say something then i might unintentionally offend you or if i tried to comfort you physically than you might not like that either so i figured why not just _be there_ for you, you know like company? i'm sorry if it's not doing much to help though..." 

he doesn't understand why this boy would be here trying to comfort him when all he has ever done is be anything but nice to him. his eyes scan over the younger's beaten face. he's burning to ask him how he got that black eye or why his lips are split with dried blood or who caused the bruise on his temple to turn purple-blue?

kihyun stays quiet.

"i should get going. minhyuk hyung doesn't know i ran off after you and he should be back by now," changkyun tells him, abruptly standing up. he audibly groans in pain at the completely forgotten wound.

"i hope you feel better soon, kihyun-ah." changkyun gives him a small smile before bowing and jogging back to where they came from. 

the first sight he sees of the younger's back makes him stop dead in his tracks with his mouth gaping open and eyes widen. he sees a long red line behind his uniform with blotches of blood staining everywhere, some dried and some seemed fresh like he's _still_ bleeding. kihyun feels himself getting sick thinking back to what wonho had told them all before.

_is it true that this young boy is being bullied in school?_ he doesn't want to believe so. for kihyun's sake, he hopes it's not true.


	12. Chapter 12

minhyuk places changkyun's breakfast down right in front of the younger and kisses the top of his head. changkyun mumbles a _'thank you'_ audible enough for his brother to hear.

"how's your back, kyunnie?" minhyuk asks, sitting right in front of the younger with a mug of coffee in his hand. he wafts the bitter scent to wake him up before sipping it into his system.

"some better..." he nods yet not fully convinced with his answer. he did check on the wound he dressed a few nights ago and it seems to be healing alright. 

"baby, please think about what i told you."

"i have and i don't want to," changkyun finalizes instantly.

"but changkyun—"

"please hyung, i don't want you to spend any more money on me as it is. i'll just stick to this school until i graduate," changkyun tells him with pleading eyes.

to say that minhyuk was upset when he saw changkyun's wound on his back was a fair understatement. however, the reaction changkyun got from minhyuk wasn't what he expected either. minhyuk instantly broke down in front of his brother, sobbing heavily while holding onto the younger's hand. 

minhyuk was so scared. never once had changkyun came home beaten up only to have his brother break down this bad in front of him. so changkyun stepped closer and hugged him. reassuring his brother that he was okay.

changkyun isn't okay. and he doesn't know when he'll ever be.

that night before going to bed minhyuk had talked to changkyun about moving to a new school if not getting him homeschooled instead. it's not a shocker that minhyuk's the one providing for the both of them now with his job paying a little more than enough which minhyuk is grateful for. on top of that, his working boyfriend also offers to pay for little things here and there even after minhyuk's persistence that he can handle it. 

it was tempting for changkyun, the idea of moving somewhere to start over. but he has to consider their financial status as well. he can be selfish. 

but his parents had already paid for his whole semester prior to them moving so he might as well finish his high school at that godforsaken school and hope for some kind of scholarship when he goes to college.

changkyun could choose to be selfish.

"you know i don't care about that, changkyun. i can find other ways to pay the bills."

"please hyung, i'm fine," changkyun reassures desperately. "i'm alright now, aren't i?" 

_i_ _'_ _m still not dead yet so, it's okay._

minhyuk can only sigh. he knows pushing his younger brother too much will only make him withdraw from any contact with him again. and that was much harder to deal with than the changkyun before him now. so he lets it slide with a heavy heart.

once changkyun is done with his breakfast minhyuk takes his plate and his own mug to the sink. just then their doorbell rings which is rare considering the only person to ever visit them is shownu and the older now has his own key.

"i'll go see," changkyun offers. he patters his way to the front door and opens to meet a man he has never seen before. the male was already smiling revealing the cute dentations in his cheeks causing the younger boy to smile a little as well seeing as he didn't seem like a threat.

"hello," the dimpled-guy greets brightly.

"hi," changkyun replies softly. and the male before him swears his heart might've leaped at least a little at how utterly adorable he is. his eyes unconsciously scan the younger's face and it lands on the light bruising on his temple and then the slightly recovering black-eye. changkyun notices that the male before him descries his ugly contusions. his smile slowly falters as he lowers his head, just enough to cover most of it.

the male realizes how uncomfortable he made the younger feel and he curses at himself. "i'm jooheon by the way, kihyun's friend," he introduces. and just by the sudden mention of the familiar male's name, changkyun's head snaps up. why would kihyun's friend be at his doorstep?

"oh...?"

"we're heading out for brunch actually and i was—i mean— _we_ were wondering if you'd like to join us?" jooheon says. changkyun's eyes visibly widen and he just stares at the male before him. did he hear him right? 

jooheon, who notices the younger's sudden distanced gaze, waves his hand lightly in front of his face causing him—out of habit—to flinch back unintentionally.

"you alright there, cutie?" jooheon asks, totally disregarding the younger's flinch.

changkyun blushes, and that too not light, at the sudden name. "i—er—actually—i—" changkyun pauses, sighing with clenched fists at how he's making himself look like an utter fool at that moment. 

"take your time. there's no rush," the other reassures, noticing his shy nature. he nods and recollects his thoughts properly.

"i have p—plans actually," changkyun manages to say—a white lie. if changkyun saw it right, he had seen the slight disappointment in the older's face before he offers another small smile, his dimples back on display. 

"that's a shame. maybe some other time, cutie?"

the sheer shock in the younger's face is clearly evident but jooheon doesn't take that to heart. rather he finds it cute at how little things like _this_ tend to surprise him. if only he realizes that this is quite possibly the first time anyone has willingly wanted to spend time with the younger.

 _that's because they don't know who you are yet,_ changkyun tells himself realistically.

"i—s—sure..."


	13. Chapter 13

"stop stealing my fries," hyungwon huffs, swatting jooheon's hand away from his own 'sacred' plate. "what's the point of you ordering extras if your only going to steal mine?"

"please you act like you're actually going to finish those fries," jooheon retorts with an eye roll, stealing another one. 

"well, if i don't then i'll just feed it to my baby then," hyungwon says then sticks his tongue out.

"he, with the thousand-ton muscle, is _your_ baby?" jooheon quires with a quirked eyebrow towards wonho who quietly eats his meal like the good boy he is. he'd rather have his full attention on the meal before him.

"yes, he's _my_ muscle baby. suck it." wonho elicits a chuckle at that and leans over to kiss hyungwon's cheek. 

"i pray every night for a normal meal with my friends," kihyun mutters. hyungwon smacks his arm playfully and jooheon throws a small shriveled fry his way—because logically he wouldn't want to waste a perfectly good fry. all kihyun does is roll his eyes and continue to devour his burger.

"man, i wish that neighbor of yours could've joined us," hyungwon says before taking a huge sip of his pepsi. "i would love to get to know him."

"yea..." jooheon says, clearly dejected from the offer he made earlier to the younger boy. "he seemed a lot friendlier than your previous neighbor as well." kihyun frowns, not that he remembers interacting with the previous neighbor much. they were anything but friendly, sure, but their kids knew one thing to do which was to mind their own business and that's something he finds the newer neighbor has a harder time of doing.

kihyun eyes each of their reactions. it seems wonho is clearly unbothered about the younger boy other than the fact of whether he is being bullied but honestly, kihyun could never really read the guy well. he isn't exactly an open book. 

jooheon and hyungwon, on the other hand, are sulking slightly. they seemed to be way too curious about this neighbor of his.

kihyun? he's on the basis of if he comes he come and if he doesn't then so be it. he really couldn't care less about that boy. rest assured that he comforted kihyun when he had least expected. and sure the bruised (and blood) he saw did rattle him but that's that. he doesn't know the boy personally to care _that_ much. plus, going out of his way to make another friend isn't his priority.

he would rather that boy have his own life and kihyun continues his pathetic one alone.

kihyun's thoughts are thrown off when something—more so someone (purposely) bumps into his wheelchair causing him to fall to the front and hit against the table.

"oops," the person says, mockery evident in his tone. "jeez, this wheelchair does crowd the place, huh?" a few snickers are heard behind him. kihyun stays silent. he quietly continues eating his meal, disregarding the fact that they didn't apologize for bumping into him. he didn't want to make a scene at a public place anyways. 

"spazz," another one spits intentionally close to kihyun then walk away. this stings kihyun's heart. he didn't know why people liked to pick little things about him or anyone else in his place just because they couldn't stand on his own two feet. what makes them much more superior than him anyways? 

kihyun, however, learned to not show how any of these insults affect him—not openly at least. he'd deal with them on his own, privately, where crying is inevitable and being vulnerable is alright. if he was to let his guards down then he'll do it in the hours where everyone's dead asleep while he's wide awake, thinking why he survived instead.

"what did you say to him?" wonho sneers as he slams his fist on the table. kihyun immediately holds onto the bigger male's hand, pulling him back to sit down. 

"don't," kihyun pleads with his eyes. "just leave them, please." the guys turn around waiting for some sort of confrontation but when they realize that they had backed down the group laughs as they exit the diner throwing more insults at kihyun.

"why did you stop me? i could've taught them a little something for disrespecting you."

"thank you, but i don't want to catch the attention of the others."

"it's not about catching attention, kihyun, it's about protecting you and getting the respect you deserve. i know those words hurt you, so why don't you just let me—"

"i never asked you to protect me, goddammit!" kihyun unintentionally snaps. "i can take care of myself fine."

thick silence hovers over their table, neither daring to utter a single word. his friends never understood why kihyun behaved this way. yes, the male is stubborn to begin with but before everything happened kihyun was... different. he was much easier to talk to, to understand even. it's like a flip switched in him after the accident.

wonho sighs heavily before saying, "if someone is willing to stand up for you, appreciate them because i can assure you that there are a lot of people out there wishing they had someone to do that for them."

kihyun let those words sink in. wonho is right. he is lucky and his guilt settles in for being such a dick towards the other male. yet in the midst of it all, somehow his mind fleets back to the image of the beaten up boy; _does he have someone to stand up for him like he does?_


	14. ⚠

he can't tell if the tears streaming down his chubby cheeks are anger or sheer sadness. of course he didn't expect to see familiar faces once he enters the developing room. he thought today was a little different.... they all start laughing at his pathetic presence at the doorway, watching his demeanor crumble down in silent whimpers.

"w—why?" he asks brokenly. it's not like he would get a valid answer in return. it was clear why. because it is changkyun.

one of them run over to the smaller boy and drags him by his hoodie deeper into the room where his destroyed film strips are. the guy shoves him to the front of a taller individual—a face that truly haunts him. changkyun holds onto the metal table nearby to keep himself standing. he watches in dismal as the now spoilt strips are being cut right in front of his eyes.

good memories destroyed before him like he's just not meant to keep them forever.

changkyun calls himself the biggest fool now. why did he ever expect today to be any different anyways? he should've seen it coming when he was left alone, unbothered as he dragged his feet along the noisy hallway with his anxiety on his sleeve the whole day. he seemed mental with every passing body close to him making him flinch and every loud voice by his ears makes him jump. 

"no p—please d—don't— " someone behind him kicks his left shin and he falls on his knees almost instantly with a loud thud. the taller bully before him crouches down right in front of changkyun with a scowl. he grips onto the youngest jaw and yanks it up to meet his burning gaze.

"you seem to have forgotten your place, _changkyunnie,"_ he sneers, hooded eyes glaring deeply to the small, glossy ones.

"i d—didn't mean to. i'm—sorry. i'll do anything—just please," he begs. they still haven't touched the second film canister, so it's not all gone. if changkyun begs hard enough, they might leave that film canister.

"tell me. what can trash like you offer?" 

"anything!" changkyun screams in desperation. an instant swing to the face causes changkyun to fall on his side. his hand instinctively cups the burning flesh as he stares up with teary eyes at the male in front of him.

"don't fucking scream at me, you cunt!" 

changkyun cowers away in fear of what he might do next. the taller male only sighs before looking at the second film canister on the table beside them. he takes it and grins evilly when he sees changkyun's name taped on it.

_no. please no..._

"lighter," he orders and someone from beside him hands him the said object. the guy crouches back down beside changkyun holding up the two things in his hands right in front of him. 

"if i hear a single sound coming from you when i burn this thing, i will fucking burn you too, you understand me?"

terrified, changkyun covers his mouth with his hand and nods profusely. 

"good boy."

within seconds, he rips the cap off the second film canister, takes the film strip out and sets it just above the lighted lighter. the orange flame sticks onto the gelatin emulsion fast and spreads all the way up in a flash. 

changkyun forcefully bites his lower lips as the urge to scream out sheer distraught is strong. his eyes burn from crying so much. his throat hurts from keeping in the sobs that would wreck his body at any moment. his fingernails dig into his palm, puncturing the skin as his body shakes violently, watching his happy memories burn away to ashes right before his eyes.

the male before him lets the flaming strip go once it's too hot to hold and the small remaining piece of strip miserably falls down onto the cold concrete floor.

he feels dizzy. his head throbs with a mixture of sadness and anger and he can't tell which overshadows which. once the flame is out changkyun reaches over with trembling hands towards the small piece left untouched on the floor. a whimper leaves his lips at the last remaining piece now gone.

"fucking pathetic, crying over some pictures," someone says behind him and an erupt of laughter fills the tiny room ringing in his ear. more tears fall as chankyun closes his eyes. he tries to even out his breaths but in the end only choked out sobs escape through his mouth.

suddenly he feels a hand comb through his hair. changkyun forces his gaze upon the male who looks at him with a content smile, unlike the smiles he's seen before.

"you were a good boy today, _changkyunnie,"_ he tells the younger boy gently. and just like that he stands up and leaves the room with everyone else following suit.

_a good boy. i was a good boy..._

as soon as he hears the metal door close behind him, changkyun doesn't hold back when a strangled cry leaves him. it hurts. almost as bad as the physical abuse itself, it fucking hurts. his body convulses as he hugs himself on the concrete floor. loud, painful sobs wreck throughout his tiny body.

yes, it may be petty to get _this_ upset over such a trivial thing—over stupid ruined film strips. but changkyun rather they beat him blue-black instead of them destroying one of the few things that truly matter to him.


	15. Chapter 15

it is more so a habit of kihyun's to wander off to the park around late evenings to clear his head. after all the shits he gets the whole day, some lonesome peace and quiet are enough to keep him sane up until now.

he wheels himself mindlessly along the familiar cemented pathway from his house that subsequently would pass the new neighbor's house. he stops momentarily. it's not like he's waiting for something—or someone to show up. maybe he was hoping to get a glance of that curious neighbor of his. but when he realizes he's wasted a few good minutes, he sighs and continues to wheel himself past that house and down the road to the mostly empty park.

kihyun moves past the small playground, further away to the trees where the public usually wouldn't linger around especially not with their children. however today he sees an unusual presence. and for some odd reason, he didn't dread this presence at all today; rather he is intrigued.

his young neighbor boy; changkyun.

the young boy holds a camera up to trees and he waits. and waits. but he never clicks. instead, he pulls it away from his face and sighs dejectedly. he sees the boy examine his camera before looking up to his surroundings, panning his camera at apparently nothing before removing it and sighing one more time.

_what is he trying to do?_

the younger boy seems to have given up with whatever it is he was trying since the camera is now firmly held on his side. he attempts to sit down, and that's when kihyun realizes something he hasn't before. the boy is limping, it is obvious. he then takes notice of the way he stands—he is leaning mostly on one leg, his right side. 

kihyun has a frown etched in his face as he watches how the boy's face would scrunch up in pain whenever he would accidentally put weight on his left leg. the boy painfully limps his way to an even ground. he tries to be careful as he lowers himself down yet somehow stumbles and lands on his bum. he groans in dissatisfaction.

kihyun chuckles.

this immediately catches the younger's attention. his head snaps up and eyes widen. kihyun's face goes back to monotonous as he approaches him. changkyun gets nervous. he doesn't know if he should stay or move to give him his needed space. he didn't want to irritate kihyun again.

"i didn't think you were into photography," kihyun says, setting his wheelchair right in front of the boy. he visibly flinches, realizing that the other male is talking to him—him directly.

"yea..." changkyun answers, lowering his gaze to his newly bought film camera. he had managed to get a hold of a film camera, even so, now he's wrecking his brain trying to find something as meaning as his last burnt up memories but nothing seems to spark the same joy as the previous ones did.

"you don't seem too relaxed though. i thought photography was something calming?"

"it is—but this is for a project and it's due next week..." kihyun nods, awkwardly looking at the dried-up leaves around his wheelchair. his scrutinizing gaze slowly looks over at the young boy who fiddles with the camera in his hand.

"so, how old are you?" kihyun randomly asks. changkyun looks up at the sudden question, round eyes staring in shock.

"i—i'm seventeen," changkyun answers quietly. "what about you?"

"i'm twenty, finishing my first year in university."

"that means you're my hyung!" changkyun exclaims excitedly. when kihyun raises a brow at his sudden enthusiasm changkyun instantly realizes that he had raised his voice unnecessarily. he lowers his head and mumbles, "i'm sorry."

"why are you sorry? you're right; i am your hyung." changkyun's lips curve up a little at that. he seems to be warming to the younger and he likes it. maybe he can still be his friend.

changkyun's thoughts are then stopped when he hears kihyun's wheelchair moving. the younger looks at kihyun, wondering where he's going.

"it's getting dark. we should head back," kihyun tells him. 

changkyun sees his surroundings and realizes that the sky has turned a darker shade of ultramarine with hints of prussian blue. this scene calms the younger. it seems like a nice end to a crappy day. that's one of the many reasons why he admires the sunsets. it's more like a reminder to him that there is a beautiful ending every day, an ending worth witnessing.

 _it's not all so bad_ , changkyun thinks. life can still be okay even if it's not okay.

changkyun places most of his weight on his right side, keeping the camera on his left hand since he won't be using that side much. he attempts to push himself up with the first try but he fails, landing back on his right elbow and bum. he sighs and attempts another try. this time he manages to hoist himself up only to quickly lose balances. just as changkyun was about to fall back down, a pair of strong hands manages to grab onto him just in time.

kihyun pulls him up standing straight.

"thanks hyung." he just hums and turns his wheelchair to start their journey back. changkyun follows behind, trying his best to catch up with the fast pace the older is going at considering his left leg couldn't aid much in the walking.

when kihyun realises that changkyun isn't beside him, he abruptly stops and turns a little causing the younger to suddenly stop as well. he accidentally lands on his left foot causing him to whimper. this immediately alarms kihyun.

"are you alright?" changkyun mutters a soft _'yea'_ while trying to ignore the throbbing pain on his left leg, primarily his ankle. kihyun takes a closer look at his ankle since that's the only thing visible for now and sees the swelling and the purple bruising around his ankle.

"get on," kihyun instructs him, without thinking much.

"pardon?" changkyun looks at him with utter confusion.

"i said, get on." kihyun repeats, patting his lap. changkyun's eyes visibly widen and he immediately shakes his head. he can feel the slight heat creeping up his cheek and he hates how easily embarrassed he gets plus the fact that he so easily shows doesn't help.

"i'm—i'm fine, hyung," changkyun quickly dismisses. "i can still walk."

"you're limping, not walking," kihyun points it out.

"but i'm fine..."

he grabs the younger's wrist to pull him close. "it's already dark and the last thing i need is to be an irresponsible young adult for leaving a teenager by himself in the dark limping where possible predators could come at any moment." 

changkyun gasps.

"p—predators?" the younger question with fearful big eyes, looking around the dark surrounding. _fuck, he really is like a child._ kihyun isn't complaining, instead, he internally coos at his innocent nature.

"you'll never know, you know. so...?" kihyun waits for his response. changkyun's hesitant eyes shift from kihyun's lap to his gaze.

"i'm—heavy though, hyung, i don't wanna hurt you or—"

"you're so fucking difficult, you know that?" kihyun grumbles. "just get on, we're already late." changkyun doesn't fight after that. he doesn't want to make the older anymore angrier. 

reluctantly, changkyun climbs onto kihyun's lap, situating himself in a position that is comfortable enough for him. kihyun then takes the camera in his hand to place it on changkyun's lap ahead of wrapping his arm around his neck. 

"it's so you don't fall off," kihyun explains. changkyun didn't expect the ride on the wheelchair to be this smooth, but it did seem like kihyun is pushing it much slower than his usual speed for both their safeties.

"you're actually really light," kihyun comments. "you should eat more, changkyun." he doesn't answer, rather he cowers closer to the older male. he didn't want to talk about his weight or his eating habit. that is another part of him he likes kept hidden. 

"how did you end up with such a messed up ankle?" the younger visibly stiffens and kihyun feels this. changkyun's beetling mind is almost loud enough for kihyun to hear. he knows he's coming up with believable excuses to escape being questioned further. 

"i—i slipped and fell..." changkyun lies. and kihyun knows it.


	16. Chapter 16

it is date night for his older brother. naturally, changkyun has the new house all to himself which is rather peculiar. prior to this, he would have the company of his parents—not that they paid any attention to him, but there were little noises throughout the house to cut off the eerie loneliness.

now, with no one, changkyun cannot feel anymore _alone_. there are no small noises, no chatters, no sound from the tv or the scrapping of a chair. it is just him and he thinks he might just go mad if he stays like this forever with his cluttered thoughts hoarding his mind.

it dawns on him how significant minhyuk is to him in his life. even if they only have gotten close a few years ago and he rarely interacts much with his older brother, those tiny interactions were enough to keep him sane. those interactions are the final strings if not the only string he's holding onto. minhyuk is the sole reason why changkyun hasn't chosen to let go; not yet.

the silence is just a mockery at this point.

changkyun decides to look out his window at the noir sky above. it is a starless night tonight, nothing much to admire besides the faint outlines of the thick clouds. just then a movement opposite his window catches his attention. changkyun's gaze shifts to the window right in front of him and he sees kihyun.

kihyun stares out his own window up to the sky. it seems like he's in deep thought, eyebrows furrowed together with lips in a thin line.

the older soon realizes a pair of eyes on him and he looks, sees the younger boy looking at him from him. changkyun instantly smiles and waves at him. kihyun's frown never disappears, it only deepens. changkyun isn't sure if he sees this right. it could be the dim lighting that's making it seem so. 

he didn't want to assume but when kihyun didn't respond at all, he stops. changkyun slowly stops waving, his hand drops to his side. kihyun looks at him a few more seconds before he closes his curtains. he acknowledged his presence yet he never smiled or waved back. what made the younger feel worst is the fact that he looked the least bit pleased that the younger is even there. that's when changkyun's slightly curved lips droop down with a sinking heart.

 _did i do something wrong again?_ he thought things had finally turned around after that day. 

changkyun's head instantly snaps to the sound of the front door opening. minhyuk is finally home and god changkyun can't wait to be in his brother's protective arms. he knows minhyuk will give him the comfort he needs.

he swings his room door open, running down the corridor but instantly stops when he sees shownu in the house as well. odd. shownu would usually drop minhyuk off and never once stayed the night.

"hey buddy," shownu greets with a huge smile when he notices the younger boy.

"oh gosh, changkyunnie!" minhyuk squeals going up to hug his brother real tight. a shocked changkyun stays in his elder brother's embrace, confused by his sudden excitement. the most he gives back is a double pat on minhyuk's back which he isn't even sure is the appropriate reaction.

"babe, he needs to breathe," shownu tells him with a chuckle. he observes both of them and he does take note of the difference in the atmosphere. they're smiling brightly which eases him a little knowing nothing bad has happened.

"what's the occasion? you two seem happy," changkyun says, dripping with curiosity. 

minhyuk goes back to shownu's side, intertwining their hands. they both nod before looking back at the younger who has a pout on his lip when he fails to comprehend what's happening. that's when they both show their left hands, a silver band encloses their fourth fingers.

"oh changkyunnie, shownu—he proposed!"

everything stills for changkyun. he blinks several times at the beaming couple before them. for a moment he forgets how to speak.

"w—what?"

"we're getting married, changkyunnie," minhyuk exclaims happily.

the cheery couple is soon engrossed in themselves, talking above each other in loud chatters that they had completely disregarded the fallen expression of the younger boy before them. changkyun can only watch with wide eyes as shownu showers his lover with heartfelt kisses all over his face. the laughter elicited by minhyuk is filled with happiness; so pure and sincere.

changkyun couldn't ask for anything more. minhyuk is happy and he truly deserves it.

changkyun, of course, congratulates the couple then retires to his room, giving an excuse that he was tired from the events of today itself. honestly, it's just his guilt. at the mere moment itself, he wants to be happy for minhyuk. he is—don't get him wrong—but at the same time, he can't help feeling sad or maybe even pitiful for himself.

it may seem absurd at how the younger's mind works. some might even say he's a little too sensitive or selfish for that matter. perhaps he is. but is it so wrong to want affection?

changkyun had stopped receiving any form of affection at an early age. it started with his parents, then the people at school. he had always felt some sort of void in him and unfortunately, in the earlier years, minhyuk wasn't there for him like how he is now. the older had only realized the cruelty changkyun goes through a little too late, at a stage where the damage is done. 

over the years changkyun had grown accustomed to the idea that he isn't wanted and he just isn't meant to be cared for. wherever he went people always had something to say about him. it was always easy to nitpick the younger rather than to show him a little affection and he never understood why. 

he knew he will never know what it's like to be kissed with love or to be laughing with so much content. he won't know how it feels like to have his heart feel full with the brim of happiness that he could just explode. he doesn't even know what it's like to at least be wanted by someone. when he thinks he's finally found someone who's willing to spend some time with him he was wrong; that very person can't seem to stand the sight of him. 

changkyun was alone. he only ever had minhyuk and now he is going to start his own life with shownu. changkyun can be selfish, but he knows better than to wish for minhyuk to stay with him forever. it's just not possible and somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew. he knew this day would come. he knew someday minhyuk would have to leave. 

but he had never expected it to come _this_ soon. he had never expected it to come at a moment where changkyun is at his lowest, silently crying for help.


	17. Chapter 17

**Minhyuk:** whr r u?

 **Changkyun:** i'm out 2 get some things for school

 **Minhyuk:** do u think you'll be back soon?

changkyun sighs, looking up from his phone momentarily to the additional car parked outside his house. he knows he should probably go in there and make somewhat of a good impression, but really the last thing he needs to end his day is more negativity. he'd rather have them curse at him in their minds than have it said right to his face.

 **Changkyun:** i don't think so

 **Changkyun:** the line's pretty long here 

**Minhyuk:** ok then

this isn't the first time he has lied to minhyuk about things so the guilt doesn't really settle much on his chest. the way he sees it, he lies to lessen the older's burden. he does know that his brother is there for him, but just by saying words like _'you know i'm there for you, right?'_ isn't exactly a mind-blowing statement where changkyun would instantly pour every bit and pieces tainting his heart.

sometimes he's just afraid. to what extend really is his brother 'here' for him. changkyun hadn't let on his deepest thoughts for the older to hear and he wonders if he were to would minhyuk ever look at him the same again or would he simply regret ever taking in the younger with him to care.

maybe that's why he resolves to lie sometimes. he doesn't want to lose minhyuk—or rather he doesn't want to scare him off. he doesn't have anyone else besides him at this point.

changkyun has been sitting out at the curb just between his and kihyun's house, occasionally checking his back to see if they would leave. he had lost track of time just staring at the streetlights in front of him, or down the lighted road that leads to the park. somehow he finds himself staring up to the dark sky. clusters of stars crowd the dark night which he smiles with content, this gives him something to think about.

"what are you doing out here? it's so late." the voice says behind him. changkyun yelps out loud as he clutches his heart, looking over his shoulder to see kihyun just below the ramp at his house. the older male wheels himself closer and settles just beside him on the curb.

"so?" he inquires again when the younger didn't answer.

"waiting," changkyun answers softly. odd answer, kihyun thinks. he looks towards the younger's house and sees an extra car, one he's never seen before.

"it looks like you have a visitor." changkyun can only sigh heavily to that and kihyun doesn't know what to make of it. "are you waiting for someone else to come?"

"no..."

"aren't you going in to see them then?" this time the younger shakes his head adamantly. kihyun frowns at that. "that's a little rude, don't you think?"

"it's better this way. they wouldn't want to see me," changkyun tells him quietly. 

_they?_

kihyun for sure is taken aback by this answer. judging by the way the younger crouches with his arms hugging his knees to his chest and head lowered, he sees that he doesn't want to dwell in this for long so kihyun drops it after that.

they both settle in silence and this time it is surprisingly a comfortable one. their presences is occasionally being accompanied by the chattering cicadas somewhere or the rumble of an engine from a random passing car. that is until changkyun decides to break the silence with his own mild curiosity.

"why are you out here, hyung?" the older male shifts his gaze to the bigger brown orbs that stare up at him innocently.

"needed some fresh air. i've been cooped up in my room for too long," kihyun tells him bluntly. the younger nods. "i could leave if you're uncomfortable."

"no—!" changkyun almost instantly stops him, raising his voice a little louder than he had intended to. "i mean—i—i don't mind having you here, hyung. you can stay."

kihyun just hums. he pulls on the breaks located on the large rear wheels of his wheelchair so that it locks his wheelchair in place to prevent it from moving; it gives him one less problem to worry about. kihyun turns to his side to the younger gazing up to the sky, a habit he notices the younger does a lot.

it does question him what intrigues him about the sky so much. realistically, if you were to ask kihyun he would simply answer 'it's the sky—there are stars and of course the different phases of the moon'. but kihyun knows that changkyun thinks way beyond those plain black and white statement that you can see on the mere surface. 

he knew changkyun sees things in a much deeper perspective the moment the younger talked about his views on nature. it fascinated kihyun and yes, he wanted to know more but his ego wouldn't let him.

"you fancy the stars?" changkyun momentarily shifts his attention to the male before looking back up at the shiny specks of dust dirtying the sky.

"what's there not to like?" he counters back with a soft smile, a smile kihyun realized he rarely sees.

"it's just stars," kihyun retorts. changkyun gasps playfully with a hand over his chest for dramatic effect.

"hyung! those aren't _just stars_ ," changkyun says defensively.

"well, enlighten me then, little astronomer."

"hm..." changkyun thinks for a moment, wondering where he should start first. 

the subject of stars is so vast and he can honestly go on for hours talking about each constellation. suddenly all his nerves seem to vanish. he is no longer scared or anxious. the boost kihyun gives by encouraging the younger to talk about something he's passionate about, this is one of the push changkyun needs to open up.

"i guess i can start with the zodiac constellations," changkyun tells him after much thought.

"you mean the twelve astrological signs?"

"yeap!" changkyun clarifies excitedly. and really kihyun doesn't have the heart to stop the younger seeming as to how brightly he beams just by talking about something as simple as stars.

"okay so, our astrological signs all have constellations of their own and they're called _zodiac constellations._ let's take the aquarius constellation as an example. aquarius is closely associated with water as you've seen from their symbol. so in the context of the aquarius constellation, it's known as the water-bearer because it is usually depicted as someone pouring water from a jar. 

"also hyung, did you know that the aquarius constellation is the tenth-largest constellation in the sky?" kihyun instinctively shakes his head, because heck, how would he know? as far as he knows the only constellations in his mind are the southern cross, the big dipper and the orion which half the time he can't even find.

"well it is! this constellation is often found in a region referred to as _the sea_ because it contains a few constellations with watery associations like the pisces which associate itself to the fish which correlates to water.

"the aquarius constellation is usually best-viewed in october nights which i find to be rather ironic since in our zodiac sign aquarius lies between mid january and february."

"i suppose it is a little ironic," kihyun inputs. he then looks back down at the younger who had suddenly quieted down and sees the sudden sullen expression. " what's wrong?"

"i—i ranted a little too much, didn't i?" changkyun asks, voice dripping with guilt which kihyun didn't understand why. he liked listening to him rambling about the stars.

"no you didn't," kihyun reassures. "that was rather informative and you've made me look at stars a whole lot different now." the younger's eyes widen and so does the curve of his lips.

"really?" kihyun nods. just then the loud banging sound of car doors instantly has changkyun and kihyun turning to look behind them. they were so engrossed with the topic of stars that changkyun had completely forgotten his sole purpose for sitting out on the curb in the first place.

kihyun sees a middle-aged couple in the car as they reverse. he hears the light gasps just beside him and that's when he catches the younger hiding his face in his arms that are rested on his knees. the car drives past them without giving them a second glance. 

changkyun notes the fading sound of the car engine only then did he lift his head up to see kihyun eyeing him with a confused frown.

"who were they?" kihyun asks.

"my parents."


	18. Chapter 18

it's a little surreal actually when he really lets everything sink in properly, taking in all of his surrounding right this moment. changkyun knew his main goal was to make one friend—because realistically more than that is not attainable, at least not to changkyun. but really he'd never envision going to the mall with kihyun's friends (with kihyun being there of course). 

he'd still like to be pinched a few times or perhaps splash some cold water to his face to really make him believe that yes, he is at the mall and for the first time, it isn't with minhyuk.

"you've been zoning out a little," jooheon says as he nudges changkyun lightly. they had all decided to get a light snack at the food stall hence their current location. changkyun's attention immediately focuses on the dimpled male beside him who gives him a gentle smile.

"i didn't mean to,' changkyun says timidly, head slightly lowered. he starts pulling on the sleeves of his sweater as a nervous habit he picked up years ago.

"no, no, we're not mad, cutie, don't worry!" jooheon reassures. changkyun knows there's a light blush on his cheeks at the unexpected pet name. the youngest just nods. 

"do you want to anything else, kyun?" hyungwon asks, head resting on his palms as he looks at the younger right in front of him. changkyun shakes his head.

"i'm good, thank you." 

"so, the arcade next?" wonho suggests. 

jooheon eagerly claps his hands with a gleeful smile like a little child. changkyun giggles silently at the male's excitement. he may seem all tough and intimidating at first glance but really changkyun realized that he's the easiest to approach. he is just so outspoken and full of spirit. and his intimidating facade almost immediately disintegrates when he smiles. that's changkyun's favorite feature if he is being honest because that's when his dimples are on full display.

"arcade~ arcade~ barricade the arcade~" jooheon sings happily, dragging hyungwon with him as they lead the way—more like skip along the way. 

"palisade the arcade~" hyungwon chimes in.

"lemonade and arcade!" jooheon finishes proudly. but this earns him a smack from hyungwon who glares at him playfully.

"i have a citrus allergy you insensitive prick," hyungwon huffs.

the other three males can only just watch in aw really with what has become to the both of them. 

"your boyfriend's allergic to citrus? i thought he just hated lemons," kihyun says, looking up at wonho who just shakes his head at hyungwon. at this point, wonho wouldn't even be surprised if he said he was allergic to vegetables. 

"fine. marmalade and arcade then," jooheon retorts.

"those are just preserves made from citrus fruit!"

wonho walks a little faster to the both of them mainly because he wants to be closer to hyungwon but also to stop their ridiculous bickering. changkyun remains the same pace as kihyun who decides to wheel himself slower than he usually would. this, however, didn't spark any sort of conversation between them. they remain silent side by side.

changkyun did notice how quiet and reserved the older beside him is which confuses him, to say the least. one moment kihyun seem like the coldest person there is and another he's so... open? but that doesn't mean he liked him any less. if anything he is even more curious about him.

his thoughts are immediately interrupted when he hears a couple of high-pitched squeals right in front of them. his eyes widen as he tries to comprehend who made those sounds. then he hears kihyun groaning just beside him. changkyun turns and sees the older male face-palming at his friends' antics.

it's definitely jooheon and hyungwon.

"i swear those two have a body of a twenty-year-old with a mind of a fucking three-year-old," kihyun grumbles to particularly no one which causes changkyun to chuckle. 

he likes _this_ —this feeling he's experiencing. he likes how warm his insides feel. his chest feels light and it almost seems so easy... he really can't remember a day like this. a day where it was actually easy to smile. 

their friendship combo is weird when you really look at it but somehow it fits. all polar opposite individuals complement each other perfectly. changkyun admires their friendship. even so, deep inside he does envy it as well.

once changkyun (and kihyun) finally enter, jooheon gives them their respective tokens from which hyungwon and he had exchanged before they run off to the back of the arcade to enjoy themselves.

lost. changkyun just stares at the five silver tokens in his hand before looking up to see the everyone has dispersed. he spots kihyun at a basketball game somewhere near the bounce house and he does see jooheon and hyungwon at the back with toy guns in their hands aiming at the screens in front of them. 

changkyun starts feeling a little uneasy as the meek anxiety poking within him is slowly starting to bubble up.

the young boy has honestly never been to an arcade before. it's not that the idea itself wasn't tempting. it's just his parents had never allowed him to. maybe if he had friends than that could be somewhat of an excuse to go. but considering his pitiful social status and his strict parents, changkyun has only ever heard about the fun of going to an arcade. other than that he is as lost as ever.

his hooded eyes scan around the many different games, some seem to depict violence and others just scream _Kidz!_ he doesn't know where to begin or how does each game even works. changkyun silently wishes that jooheon (or even hyungwon) hadn't left him like this to venture this place _alone_. he could ask kihyun but he doesn't know what kind of response he will get and that simply is enough for him to rule kihyun out as an option. he has wonho as another option, yet the said male isn't anywhere to be seen.

changkyun turns his head both sides, trying to locate where the bigger built male had gone. instead of spotting the intended male, he unintentionally catches sight of the personification of trauma. 

changkyun's heart stops at that moment with pure disquietude coursing through him. the grip of his palm only tightens, digging the tokens painfully hard into his skin. the least of his concern is his potentially bleeding palm. his feet somehow stand frozen when all he wants to do is run. fear gets the best of him, it always has and it sadly always will for changkyun. 

he eyes every each of their steps as they come closer. and closer. he prays. god does he pray so hard to whoever that is willing to listen to his pitiful cries. yet somehow, his prayers never seem to get answered, not even once. and just like every other prayer he's uttered, this one goes to vain as well when his bullies head into the arcade.

the young boy trembles. his hands shaking so badly with the instant spike of his anxiety soaring through the roof when the taller male makes direct eye contact with him. fear doesn't even begin to explain how terrified changkyun feels. through his blurry visions, he manages to catch the roguish glint in the taller's eyes and the slightly twisted grin forming on his lips.

_please, not here too._


	19. ⚠

somehow changkyun manages to pull himself out of his daze and turns to sprint towards the other exit. his main priority right now is to not get caught. again. he knows running away only makes it worst but changkyun only acted out of desperation. his natural fight-or-flight instinct in school isn't the same as they are out here. normally changkyun would silently accept the beatings in school knowing one too many times that running away in the past did nothing but worst damages.

however in public? changkyun just wants a fucking break.

he doesn't turn to see if they're following he just prays they aren't and changkyun only curses at how open this place really is. he sees the bathroom sign at the further end and with his fear-clouded mind, he doesn't think twice to quickly sprints right there, knowing that his chances are pretty much slim anyways. as soon as he enters changkyun takes a breather, anxiously scanning left and right for a suitable stall.

he chooses the handicap one that is the furthest away from every other stall.

changkyun decides to stay at least fifteen minutes which he thinks is good enough time for him to come out safe. as the minutes go by chagkyun's anxiety slowly decreases with the light that maybe they had truly lost him.

but all his build-up hope starts crumbling when he hears a door, not too far from his own stall, being slammed so hard against the wall that it leaves a buzzing sound to linger in the air momentarily. changkyun instantly covers his mouth with his hands knowing he can't simply trust himself not to whimper or even yelp out fright.

seconds later another crash of a door is heard. and another. and another. it's getting closer to him.

he slowly retracts himself to sit on the toilet seat trying to make as minimal sound as he can. he brings his legs up to his chest, hugging them tightly with his head buried in his knees. another bang and he jolts. his heart hammers painfully against his chest as he agonizingly waits for his fate in this stall. changkyun hugs his tiny frail body impossibly closer as he feels his body starting to convulse in immense fear.

"please. please. please." changkyun desperately chants silently with hot tears trailing down his cheeks. suddenly everything goes silent for a moment. changkyun lifts his head, wiping his blurred visions. he holds himself back from sniffling knowing that will give away where he is if they are still there.

then a knock comes on his door. changkyun's breath gets caught in his throat as he stares with widened eyes at the chipped-off painted door before him. the knock becomes slightly harder, aggression being obvious.

" _changkyunnie_ , open the door," the ever-familiar menacing voice calls out sweetly but clear devilish intentions are hidden behind them.

an instant wave of new tears floods when his heart sinks further. scared. he's so fucking scared. changkyun moves back as far away as possible. a body slams against the very door and changkyun couldn't help the shriek that leaves his mouth at the sudden attempt.

_i'm going die. i'm going to die._

"you cunt. i told you to open this door!" the male on the other side seethes with venom.

another attempt of the body slams against the door and this time it breaks the lock, bursting open to reveal only the taller male standing there heaving with a sharp glare on him.

"p-please," changkyun begs. the guy all but hears his sad plea. he grabs a fist full of changkyun's hair and yanks him out of the stall, dragging him all the way to the middle of the washroom and throwing him down like a piece of trash. the young boy's weak body crashes hard on the cold tiled floor, face colliding painfully hard.

" _changkyunnie_ using the handicap stall i see. what disabilities do you have now, huh?" the guy mocks. before changkyun can even recompose himself to stand, the taller male grabs his hair again and yanks his head up causing a jolt of pain to shot right up from his neck. he crouches down so that their eyes are aligned.

"th-they'll be l-looking for m-me," changkyun stutters out.

" _they_?" they guy asks amusingly before he goes into a fitful laughter. yes, it is laughable at the fact that someone is actually with changkyun. "you have people who want you?" changkyun opens his mouth but then closes when his heart sinks at the realization.

"i thought you were at least smarter than that to realize that nobody wants you here. haven't your parents made it clear for you?" all changkyun can do is bite his trembling lips as tears continue to pour down. changkyun can't say anything to that because he isn't wrong. his parents very well have made it clear that changkyun isn't wanted. people in school tell him that every day. but why does changkyun still stubbornly imbed into his head that maybe, just maybe, someone actually wants him?

"pathetic," the male spits, letting go of the younger's hair causing him to fall once again. he places his foot left wrist, stopping him from moving or to even run away. the younger looks up at him just as he increases the pressure on his wrist causing tingles of pain to course through his body.

"stop-h-hurts-"

"changkyun!" he hears a voice call out from a distant outside. and he almost cries in relief. it is jooheon. the guy before changkyun looks clearly displeased to be interrupted like this.

"you got lucky this time, _changkyunnie_ ," the taller male says before putting in the last full pressure on his wrist causing a sharp pain to throb all throughout his left hand. changkyun cries out loud for him to stop. he does, but only when he's satisfied. he lifts his foot with a pleased grin as he moves away from the young boy. changkyun scrambles, picking himself up and occasionally wincing at the pain of his left wrist. he runs out. without thinking twice or looking back, he runs out.

changkyun wipes his eyes dry with his right hand when he sees them looking around confusedly for him. he runs to them. kihyun is the first one to notice the younger boy running out. changkyun almost instantly stumbles into jooheon's arms who hugs him in sheer relief.

"changkyun we were so worried!" jooheon tells him, pulling away. changkyun has to pause and take a breather. he cradles his left wrist close to his chest since letting it dangle actually hurts more.

"s-sorry-i went to the washroom."

"kyun, what happened to your wrist?" hyungwon asks, concern dripping heavily as he eyes the severe bruising.

"the b-bathroom was wet and-and i was rushing when i slipped and fell," he lies, looking away from everyone. he can't look at either of them in their eyes knowing he had straight-out lied to them when their concerns seem so genuine.

"you should be careful, changkyun," wonho tells him gently. this has possibly been the first time the older male has directly spoken to him and yes it did take him aback. wonho steps closer to the younger and carefully examines his wrist. "let's get you some ice." he places an arm protectively around the younger's small shaking body and walks ahead with the rest following behind.

kihyun who stayed quiet the whole time stays back for a while knowing something is not right. that's when he notices a guy who he had never noticed walk-in prior leaves the washroom. he sees the way this particular male looks at changkyun's direction and the undeniable glare he sends seems to confirm kihyun's suspension.

changkyun didn't slip and fall. if he did the younger's clothes would've at least been wet if not completely at least partially considering how bad the bruising is. kihyun knows for a fact that changkyun lied, once again.


	20. Chapter 20

"don't you think the purpose of sitting on a swing is to swing?" kihyun asks the younger who he finds sitting on a swing but not actually swinging, more so it seemed like he was thinking far ahead. changkyun's gaze shifts down to see kihyun right in front of him.

"hi hyung!" kihyun can't help but smile a little at the younger's enthusiasm. 

"hello to you too," kihyun answers back, pulling on the brake of his wheelchair beside the younger. "now tell me, why is it that i always catch you outside your house?"

"i don't know... i guess it's because i'm finally allowed to do it freely?" changkyun answers which seems rhetorical. changkyun carelessly dangles his feet, lightly kicking the grass that manages to reach his shoes.

kihyun knows he won't be able to get more out of the younger after this so he just leaves it at that. of course he's burning with curiosity to know what he meant but he reckoned it would be a daring move considering they were not _that_ close. plus, he is yet to get an explanation as to why changkyun was hiding from his parents the other night. the younger boy is a clear mystery for the older. he wants to ask so many questions—questions he knows will not likely be answered, at least not directly. 

kihyun observes changkyun's appearance today and sees a muscle patch on his wrist, the one he clearly remembers being bruised. and at the back of his neck, he sees a few muscle patches as well. kihyun itches to ask yet another question but he knows this particular one must be sensitive considering how he had point-blank lied to everyone about what had happened.

"you mentioned about your photography assignment before, how did it go?" kihyun asks instead, trying to divert the awkward silence between them. 

"huh?" changkyun jolts his head up, realizing that the older had asked him something. "oh, it—it was okay, i guess," he answers unsurely.

" _you guess_? you're not satisfied with what you did?" kihyun queries. changkyun can only sigh thinking back to his ruined film strips. those would've been much better than the once he had recently submitted. it was rushed seeing as to he had to wreck his brain for an idea worth enough to submit in a span of one week. he wasn't satisfied but there was nothing he could do. the teacher didn't want to listen to his 'excuse' not even when he had told her what had happened. 

"it could've been so much better."

"i'm sure it turned out okay," kihyun encouraged with a small smile. he wasn't one to be friendly but he somehow grew a paltry soft spot for this boy—a boy who he barely knew yet has the urge to protect him from whatever.

kihyun somehow didn't like how the younger boy always seemed so... _sad_. it is like he didn't know how to smile, at least not on his own. although he did see him smile once or twice when they were out with his friends, other times kihyun has noticed that the younger boy tends to be lost in his own thoughts. he had caught him staring at almost nothing. sometimes when he's in so deep people have to call his name a few times or even shake him to get the younger back to reality.

"i hope so," changkyun breathes out with the lack of confidence. he starts rocking himself back and forth to get the swing moving at decent speed; not too fast and not too slow, just enough to create a slight breeze.

"you come here quite often too, hyung," changkyun finally speaks. "do you like it here?"

"not to say i like it per se, but it's the only place i can _physically_ go by myself to get some peace of mind," kihyun tells him. changkyun nods his head, understanding the older's situation. 

"your friends were really nice, hyung," changkyun tells him softly after a while. 

"oh, those idiots are extremely friendly with everyone without a care of the world," kihyun inputs, shaking his head when he thinks back to his friends. yes, they are extremely loud to what kihyun is usually used to but they are the kind of noise he needed. the perfect chaos to compliment his mundane life. even if he complains in front of everyone he secretly misses their company sometimes. 

"wonho, however, is much quieter than the both of them." and still he is such significance to kihyun's life. 

"he is," changkyun agrees. "but—he's also really kind." changkyun remembers how the said male had persistently gone to several restaurants to get ice for his wrist the other day. even when changkyun kept telling him that he could tend it at home, wonho still made sure he got the ice and bought cream for him. 

"you're really lucky, hyung, to have them." kihyun catches the tinge of desire in his tone, almost like he craves for something more—or something similar.

kihyun agrees. he is so goddamn lucky to have friends who are willing to put up with his mood swings and stubborn attitude because honestly, he doesn't know what he would've done all these years without their support. 

he notices that the younger boy's expression has faltered slightly. his head is much more lowered and the mood altogether is just off.

"i'm sure your friends are nice too," kihyun mindlessly tells him attempting to sound hopeful. the sinking feeling in changkyun's heart physically hurts. 

_friends._ it's ironic that such vocabulary even exists in changkyun's life. 

friends... the people you see every day and share some kind of connection with. if you consider the people that snatches his book to copy his work as friends, then yes he has _friends_. if you consider the people pushing him around whenever given the chance as friends, then yes he has _friends_. if you consider the people screaming at him whenever they please as friends, then yes he has _friends_. 

changkyun wonders. he looks at the male before him and wonders if they could be more than just next-door neighbors. changkyun doesn't expect much really, maybe a simple friendship? nothing too serious, nothing too deep. just someone he can go to for a little company. perhaps someone to share a few his interests with? they don't have to get personal. they don't even need to be bound by promises.

the burning question is; _would kihyun want the same?_

"hyung," changkyun calls even before he really thinks it through thoroughly. kihyun hums, waits for him to continue. "do you—do you think we could be friends too?" changkyun asks meekly.

kihyun clearly looks taken aback and changkyun instantly regrets even opening his mouth. he should've done what he has always been told—to shut up. he should've just kept his thoughts to himself and let it be taken to his grave. when has he ever opened his mouth and said something that people actually wanted to hear?

"i'm s—sorry. pretend you didn't hear that," he quickly apologizes, mentally slapping himself.

"would you rather i do that?" kihyun questions with a raised brow. 

changkyun drops his head in embarrassment, knowing his cheeks are red and it's not the good kind. kihyun knows this silence, he's familiar with how often the younger does it. it is especially obvious whenever the younger says something and instantly apologizes even when he knows there's nothing to apologize for. so he answers following what his gut tells him.

"sure, we can be friends."


	21. ⚠

the feeling of cold metal is something changkyun is very familiar with. the sharp edges remind him of how powerful this one small object can be. it can do so many things-one of them is to take away his pain when some days it becomes a little too much to bear.

he doesn't think twice. it's almost like a requirement for him to bring the blade over his skin, a routine to keep him somewhat sane. he doesn't hate the feeling of the blade piercing through his skin. he just hates how weak he is to not being able to handle all the pain that he has to resort to something pathetic like cutting himself.

 _one more._ a cut on his upper arm. he watches the crimson liquid flow down from the rip in his skin and drops to the floor, staining the purity of the white tiles.

 _one more._ but why does he still feel the emotional pain?

 _one more._ maybe the wrist will be better.

a knock comes on the door.

 _one more._ the pain is going away. it's working.

another knock on the door, a much more desperate cry is heard on the other end. yet this doesn't faze changkyun one bit. it's almost like he's in his own trance.

 _last one._ as expectedhe doesn't feel anything anymore. better. everything will be okay.

"changkyun!" minhyuk is now yelling, frantically knocking on the door for him to open up. "changkyun baby, please. open up please." it might've relieved the older a bit to hear a noise, any kind of sound really coming from the other end and maybe that's why it scares him even more that he doesn't hear anything at all. he doesn't even know if the younger is conscious or not.

"changkyunnie please, i'm not mad, baby. just please open up for hyung."

then he hears it, the faintest of footsteps approaching the door. he does open the door but his demeanor is eerily calm-a little too calm for someone who is bleeding. minhyuk wants to cry at how broken his little brother is. he's so broken to the point where he needs physical wounds inflicted onto himself to feel anything at this point. this isn't minhyuk's first time catching changkyun like this however, this is the first time in this new house-this new beginning he plans for his little brother.

minhyuk immediately hugs changkyun and place kisses all around the crown of the younger's head out of sheer relief before bringing him into the bathroom to tend to his wounds. through it all changkyun gives little to no response. he only watches in silence as minhyuk carefully washes the blood off. he does flinch when the antibiotic ointment is being applied but that's it. no whimpers. no tears. no sign of pain.

"it's okay, hyung," changkyun tells him calmly and minhyuk hates it. he hates how composed he is about this. he hates how the younger boy just doesn't scream or shout or even cry out loud.

he wants more than anything for changkyun to breakdown in his arms where he will comfort him until he tires himself to sleep. he wants to hug changkyun and keep reminding him how much he means to him. he wants to protect him from all the evil in this world who has hurt his brother so much.

"changkyun, you know i love you, right?" minhyuk gets no answer in return.


	22. Chapter 22

"hyung no that's horrible!" changkyun exclaims as he throws a piece of crumpled paper to kihyun's way. kihyun chuckles at the younger detest maths.

they are now spending the evening at kihyun's room which is something changkyun had never foresee happening. 

since changkyun offered his friendship to kihyun, things have changed for them, not dramatically, but enough to shed a little hope for the younger. it started with minor interactions where changkyun would ask kihyun if he would like to go to the park together. it then elevated to kihyun asking changkuyn if he would like to get some convenient store snacks a few times after. thus now they're hanging out in kihyun's room attempting to finish their respective homeworks.

"you're exaggerating," kihyun tells him with a playful eye roll. "also your aim is terrible." changkyun takes another crumpled up paper beside him and aims it once again at kihyun. he missed—again—and kihyun laughs.

"you're just saying that because you don't have to take maths anymore," changkyun huffs in annoyance. 

"why yes that's true but i did graduate high school a few years ago and i did study everything you're doing now."

"still! that doesn't mean you get to rub it in my face that you were exceptional in maths, hyung," the younger whines.

"i never said i was exceptional—"

"and you're not denying it!" kihyun elicits another round of laughter at the younger's remark. 

changkyun scans over the questions he had circled which is way more than the ones not circled. he stares at the same questions over and over again for a good five minutes before groaning out loud. his brain physically hurts just from staring.

"hyung, can i just fail maths?" changkyun retorts, pushing away the paper to the edge of the bed. kihyun wheels himself to the bed and takes the question paper to check. 

"failing maths is a little dramatic, don't you think?" kihyun asks as he schemes through. 

"when you're _you_ then i suppose it is dramatic," changkyun says with a heavy sigh. changkyun has never liked maths. numbers in general always confused him. he, however, does so much better with words and language is his strong point with Korean literature being his highest scoring subject. it's fair to say changkyun would choose writing long paragraphs over solving number problems any day.

kihyun places the paper down right in front of changkyun. "all you have to do for this is use pythagoras' theorem," kihyun explains, pointing to one of the questions changkyun had circled. 

the younger leans over to see how that two-sentenced question could _easily_ be solved by only using pythagoras' theorem. he watches, baffled at how kihyun explains the question so effortlessly. changkyun stares incredulously at the very question that he had wrecked his brain out only to have kihyun figure it out in no less than 2 minutes.

"i could help you so you don't fail," kihyun suggests plainly. changkyun's eyes widened, wondering if the male is serious.

"you mean it? you would do that for _me_?"

"sure. it's nothing really." it really does seem like it's nothing, but kihyun soon comes to realize that this little thing somehow excites the younger. he smiles so widely that he's sure it must hurt even so changkyun all but cares about that because for the first time in a while changkyun actually feels... happy.


	23. Chapter 23

it is a normal thing for kihyun to mindlessly stare out his window. but what he had come to realize that it is also a habit the younger neighbor of his likes to do as well. he sees the boy looking up with squinted eyes, fully concentration on something. it's almost as though he is searching for something up in the night sky. 

curious, he, too, looks up and wonders what's fascinating the boy so much about tonight's sky. he sees stars dusting the noir horizon and a waxing crescent moon fairy visible from the clouds. other than that he doesn't see anything that would be the least bit interesting. it is the night sky anyways, the same sky he sees every day of his bland life.

kihyun looks back at the younger boy who seconds later seems to notice a pair of eyes on him. changkyun looks straight ahead and instinctively smiles when he sees kihyun looking from his own window. changkyun waves at the older male and—for the first time—kihyun actually waves back with a small smile. kihyun then points to their window. confused, changkyun watches for a moment to understand what he meant. when he sees kihyun opening his own window changkyun understands and does the same.

"hi hyung!" the younger beams. somehow it's impossible not to smile whenever changkyun smiles. kihyun always finds himself smiling back at the younger. he gives a nod, acknowledging him.

"what's interesting about the sky tonight, little astronomer?"

"apparently, you can see venus tonight," the younger tells him, attention immediately back up to scan the skies.

"oh?"

"it's quite common actually to see venus from here," changkyun tells him.

"well then, care to share an ounce of knowledge or two about venus?" kihyun prompts. the younger's eyes widen at the sudden request.

"you want to hear me talk about venus?" the boy asks sounding very unsure. 

"i liked how you explained about the aquarius constellation before. i imagine you could do the same for venus?" the twinkle in changkyun's eyes when his smile becomes noticeably wider is something that warms the older's heart. he doesn't understand why simple things like this excite him so much, but he won't question it. he thought it is rather cute.

"venus is the second brightest natural object in the night sky after the moon," changkyun explains. "venus, however, does not have moons like the other planets. it is a terrestrial planet which means it is primarily composed of silicate rocks or metals."

"but isn't venus like the hottest planet in our solar system?" kihyun interjects. 

"it is, hyung," changkyun agrees with a thoughtful nod. "its thick atmosphere of carbon dioxide prevents heat from going back into space. that's why it's the hottest planet." 

"wouldn't it be easier to spot venus with a telescope though, you know instead of trying to find it like _this_?"

"i'm already saving up for one," he tells him proudly, looking back up to the sky. the clouds have cleared a little now and changkyun looks harder with still a slim of chance in his hand that he'll be able to see the planet before he sleeps.

"there's also this gratification once you're able to spot the planet without the use of a telescope."

"you're a weird one," kihyun retorts but he meant it in a good way. 

kihyun had never thought gratification would come from something like spotting planets. of course, it is unusual yet it isn't a bad thing. it is unique, almost refreshing to see that someone finds happiness with such small things in life. it's like changkyun opens up and makes him see the different perspectives of life that he's never seen or even thought off before. 

however, when he looks over to the younger the smile on his lip is no longer there and his head is slightly lowered. he realizes that the sparkles of innocent joy that was twinkling in his eyes moments before are now completely gone, almost like they never existed. those eyes are now filled with thick anguish. 

"i know..." changkyun replies and kihyun doesn't miss how broken he actually sounds.


	24. Chapter 24

changkyun's lips quiver and his whole body shiver as his milk-stained shirt feel so cold against his wet skin. it didn't help the fact that he's sitting in a high air-conditioned room and he didn't have any sort jacket to keep him decently warm. his would occasionally cringe at how the pungent smell would burn right up his nostrils causing a slight gag.

he knew he should've gone to the cafeteria earlier if not he shouldn't have gone at all when he knows he was already late.

changkyun for one avoids the cafeteria during lunch hour after one too many incidences where he thought having a peaceful lunchtime could ever exist-oh was the younger boy wrong. now he spends his lunch at an isolated corner in the library where he knows no one would find him-and those were only the days where he was lucky enough to get to the cafeteria early and get something to eat.

today, he knew he was late, later than usual yet he still mentally debated with himself if he really wanted to get food, but the poor boy was extremely hungry so much so he was willing to get a few punches just to have one or two bites of something solid to consume.

after the beating, lying limp on the floor, changkyun decides to ditch the idea of getting food altogether when the small crowd surrounding him echoes with entertained laughter. he didn't feel like dealing with people, he barely has the energy to push past all of them just to get away. his body just screams for him to lay on the cold tiled floor where it hurts less than moving.

he ends up spending the rest of the lunch period at the isolated side of the library, empty-handed. he tries to get some schoolwork done to hopefully distract the feeling of hunger to which is poorly achieved but changkyun can't do anything about it. his mind would occasionally fleet back to the crowd around him, how none of them showed any sort of sympathy for the small boy when those bullies poured spoiled milk all over him before throwing a few kicks and punches his way.

their horrid features of pure entertainment they felt from watching his pain hurts him. changkyun never understood from the beginning as to why they all hated him. almost half those populations barely knew changkyun as a person and yet they felt so much resentment towards him.

_what's so wrong with me?_

the tears that fall from his eyes are inevitable and pretty much useless. they could relieve his emotional stress for now but does he feel any better? no; not the slightest bit. his heart still aches and his mind still buzzes with people's cruel words. what can changkyun do anyways? he can only pathetically cry in the corner of the library alone while doing his schoolwork.

changkyun wouldn't exactly say that he is excited to go home however that's his only safe place as of now no matter how empty and quiet those four walls would mock him. he'd rather be in a place where it is lonely yet rests assured safe than a place filled with people and the likelihood of getting hurt.

he had already planned a somewhat uneventful evening, until his neighbor texts him out of nowhere which caused an instantaneous smile to form on the younger's lips. this small, practically almost meaningless text caused the very first smile of changkyun today.

 **Kihyun** : hey

 **Changkyun** : hi hyung!

 **Kihyun** : are you home?

 **Changkyun** : yes i am

 **Kihyun:** wanna go to the park? you could bring your camera

 **Changkyun:** i'll be out in 5 mins :)

the younger boy already sees kihyun waiting right outside his house when he leaves the front door. he flashes a wide smile towards the older male whilst waving his hand and kihyun really can't help but smile back. kihyun can be ignorant and he _will_ deny the fact that the younger somehow always manages to make his chest feel warm and bubbly. it's not that he hates this feeling but it is something he isn't familiar with.

kihyun's smile however slowly fades to a small frown as he observes how changkyun is walking towards him. the boy is limping slightly and one of his hands would from time to time go over his abdomen. kihyun notices all these clearly as though he's in some sort of pain with every move he takes. his mouth itches to ask what happened but he knows changkyun will only answer with more lies which really irks the older male.

_why couldn't the younger just admit that something was wrong?_

"ready to go, hyung?" changkyun asks. kihyun's gaze lifts from his feet up to the younger's eyes that twinkle brightly with optimism. somehow through all the pain he still manages to smile like nothing is wrong. _how?_ kihyun wonders mentally.

"what happened?" kihyun asks nonchalantly, nudging his head to the boy's leg. he did notice how the younger boy stiffens at the question before he chuckles nervously, scratching the back of his neck.

"i fell during track and field practice," changkyun lies. again. "i'm pretty clumsy, hyung. nothing to worry!"

lies. its basically lies upon lies at this upon. just as kihyun predicted the younger doesn't seem to want to tell him all that's going on any time soon. if the younger wants help he has a mouth of his own to ask, not that kihyun would ever deny his help. if the younger were to ask for his help kihyun would offer it without hesitation the best he can. for now, kihyun just drops it seeing as there is no point.

"hop on," kihyun finally says, patting his lap.

"what-hyung, no! i'm fine, really," changkyun persuades, trying to convince the other male that he really is okay. but mostly he is embarrassed that he had to depend on someone to walk. changkyun can try to suck up the pain in his leg and walk normally, even at the pace that kihyun goes just so he doesn't have to be an inconvenience. changkyun would willingly do that.

"and i say get on. don't be fucking difficult, changkyun," kihyun tells him sternly which scared the younger a little. he didn't want to get on the bad side of kihyun so he quietly obeys after that. changkyun carefully climbs onto kihyun's lap, crossing his legs as he wraps his arms around the other's neck like before to ensure he doesn't fall off.

"are you comfortable?" kihyun asks once it seems like the younger has settled. changkyun lifts his head to look at kihyun and his breath almost immediately hitches at how close their faces are; the proximity is so close that their noses are touching.

kihyun finds himself frozen at his spot, hands unable to move the wheels as he stares right at the younger who stares back at him as well. _he is cute, pretty even_ , kihyun thinks, eyes slowly scanning his delicate features. besides the visible scars that are healing and the slight bruises here and there kihyun really finds the younger boy endearing to look at.

"i'm not hurting you, am i, hyung?" changkyun asks meekly, bringing kihyun back from his long daze. that's when he realized that he had been staring and fuck is he embarrassed. he's pretty sure that the tips of his ears are red by now because he can certainly feel his cheeks burning up.

kihyun's thoughts did scare him if he is being honest. he had nothing against same-sex relationships considering two of his friends are in one as well, but this is the first time that he feels a certain way for a _boy_ and he doesn't know if he likes this feeling.

"i'm okay, changkyun." the younger just nods, moving his face away so it's not as close as they were before. kihyun starts to push the wheels following along the route to the park. they fall into a somewhat comfortable silence with kihyun focusing on the way and changkyun's mind being occupied with questions, only this time the questions are about kihyun. changkyun has another mental debate with himself wondering which two of his options he should go with.

"hyung..." changkyun calls, his voice filled with thick uncertainty. "can i—can i ask you something?"

"go ahead."

"did you get into an accident?" he asks so softly. "doesn't it-does it hurt w-when i sit on you like this?" changkyun only asks this because he is concerned for the older. he didn't know if kihyun was born this way or if something had caused him to lose his ability to walk. either way, he really wants to know if sitting on him like this really would hurt him in any way even when the older reassured him that it is alright.

kihyun stops wheeling them altogether and scowl at the male sitting on him. changkyun recognizes that burning gaze and he immediately wishes he hadn't opened his stupid mouth. what good has ever came out from his mouth?

"why do you hide from your parents?" kihyun snaps harshly. he knew it was a sensitive topic but kihyun acted on impulse. if changkyun was going to ask him a sensitive question then he will do the same. "i'm not an idiot, i saw how you were hiding from them the other day."

changkyun's head instantly falls in shame. he didn't have the courage to face the older male anymore. he didn't like speaking about his parents and if possible he would avoid them as long as he can until they find a way to meet him—not that they would want to see him.

"listen, changkyun," kihyun starts tightly. "just because i agreed to be your friend doesn't mean you have every right to know about my life. we areneighbors-just mere companions for each other and nothing more. you better know your place, kid."

_you seem to have forgotten your place, changkyun..._

"i didn't mean to upset you, hyung. i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. please-please forget i even asked that." the older didn't answer him. instead, he continues to wheel both of them towards the park.

changkyun tells himself that he should just be grateful that kihyun even wants to spend time with him in the first place. 


	25. Chapter 25

"i don't get it," the young boy huffs, slumping back a little against kihyun's chest as the math problem before him just seems like irrelevant numbers placed together to get forcefully solved. kihyun places his hands on the younger's waist to shift him a little and leans forward to inspect the question. it has somehow become a mild habit for the younger boy to sit on the older's lap for apparent reasons.

"changkyun, it's the same formula i explained to you just now," kihyun tells him. the younger boy frowns much deeper as he takes another look at the question, this time trying to fit the formula kihyun had just gone over with him. however, he still doesn't understand how that specific formula is supposed to help solve this lost cause of a question.

changkyun turns his head to look over his shoulder at the older male with a slight pout on his lips, indicating he still has no clue whatsoever with how he should even start the solution. kihyun chuckles whilst shaking his head before taking the pencil from changkyun's hand and writes down the entire working for the question. the curious boy leans in closer making sure not to hurt kihyun in any way as he puts most of his pressure on his elbow that rests on the table in front.

once kihyun is done he shows it to the younger who can only gawk at how fast he solved it and how lengthy the entire working is. "hyung, i'm really going to fail," changkyun says dejectedly. it's bad enough that he's far behind in math class and even with kihyun's tutoring changkyun still can't seem to grasp the concept.

"let's take a short break, yea?" kihyun proposes. "you'll be able to do. don't give up just yet." changkyun shrugs and nods, not fully trusting the older's faith in him. kihyun turns them around and wheels them to the bed where changkyun climbs off and sits on.

"sorry, hyung," changkyun mumbles once he's off and kihyun knows instantly what the younger is apologizing for; he has been apologizing for the same thing for the past week. 

"changkyun, seriously, you need to stop apologizing every time you sit and get off my lap," kihyun tells him with a slightly raised tone. "if i was ever in any sort of pain i would've told you and i probably wouldn't have let you sit on me again, but that's not the case, okay?" changkyun nods but that doesn't take away his guilt.

"hyung~"

"yes?"

"have you ever stood up since your accident?" the younger asks. changkyun was told about the accident but the older never elaborated on it and he never explained why he refused to go to therapy. changkyun never questioned further, only accepting the vague information given to him silently. 

the older frowns and shakes his head. he doesn't like how this specific topic about his walking has started yet he tries to not show that he's annoyed by putting on a straight face. 

"do you want to try, hyung?" changkyun asks this time to which leaves kihyun utterly baffled.

ever since the accident he has never once thought about walking, let alone standing—he didn't think there was some kind of a possibility to even do that considering he can't walk (not without therapy), and he had dismissed the idea of going for therapy one too many times that his parents had just given up asking him.

"i don't know if you're stupid or just plain ignorant but you do know I _cannot_ walk." kihyun scowls at him with sheer annoyance now evident.

"i might very well be stupid," changkyun utters, remembering all the insults people have yelled at him both in and outside of school and he doesn't expect kihyun to understand since he doesn't know about the bullying. the younger boy accepts the fact that he _is_ stupid because if a person like kihyun, who knows nothing much about the boy, can identify him as such, that only further proves that maybe other people's insults are truly right about him.

"but i'm not ignorant, hyung," the younger tells him adamantly. "i know you can't walk but that doesn't mean you can't _stand_. with help, you can actually stand— i mean, you can try." kihyun knit his brows together as the scowl slowly falls from his face. the older male is rather intrigued now.

"want me to show you, hyung?" 

after much mental debate, kihyun nods and changkyun cannot be anymore happier that he is given a chance to prove himself. 

"okay, hyung," changkyun starts as he gets out of bed and stands right in front of kihyun. he bends down and carefully places both of kihyun's feet on each of his own feet and makes sure that they are positioned properly. 

"give me your hands," changkyun instructs as he extends both of his own for the older to take. kihyun grips onto them tight and stares up at the younger, waiting for what he has to do next. "i'm going to pull you up, hyung. i want you to hold onto me tightly and don't be afraid to squeeze or lean on me, okay?" kihyun nods still with a speck of skepticism floating around him.

"on three. one~ two~ three—" 

changkyun hoists kihyun off his wheelchair and bring him forward towards him. kihyun immediately tightens his grips on the younger's arms while changkyun wraps his arms around the older's waist, keeping him in place with his lower body supported by the bed behind him.

changkyun giggles happily once they are both stable. from this position changkyun can calculatingly assume that kihyun is, in fact, taller than him by a few centimeters and he would definitely be towered by the older's frame since his own body is considerably small and lightly frail.

kihyun stares at the younger right in front of him and it warms his heart at how this small thing makes changkyun so happy when it doesn't even concern him at all. he wonders how can someone find so much joy and satisfaction from such a simple thing as this. it's only kihyun "attempting" to stand yet here changkyun is having the biggest smile on his face as though kihyun is actually _walking_. 

"i'm going to slowly walk now, hyung and i'll help your legs as well, okay?" kihyun can only nod inaudible. kihyun isn't exactly shocked at the fact that he is standing more so he is in awe. there's just something so admirable about the younger boy before him that he can't seem to put a steady finger on it.

keeping a firm grip with one arm, changkyun moves his right hand to the back of kihyun's left leg and he moves it along with his own right leg. kihyun took one step with changkyun. the younger shifts his hands to the other leg and he mimics the exact same movement. kihyun took another step. and with each small step they take changkyun's smile only seems to get wider and wider.

"see hyung!" changkyun exclaims proudly once they've completed six steps. in all the younger's excitement, changkyun ends up losing his balance and when he falls, kihyun's instinctively tightens his grip on the younger's arms as he falls on top of him on the bed. they look at each other before bursting out laughing. 

"changkyun," kihyun calls, bringing the younger out of his proud moment. changkyun's laughter slowly dies down as his focus lands on the male that is _still_ laying on him. none of them mentioned anything about the position they're in but none of them seem to mind the close proximity either. 

"you're not stupid." 

changkyun just smiles sadly and shakes his head.

"hyung, it's fine. you don't have to say that just to make me feel better. i know what i am. people around me think so too, so i don't really expect anything different," changkyun states with so much sincerity. in the beginning, changkyun would try to block out these harsh words, reminding himself that those aren't true. however, with time and without anyone's support, he slowly drowned in all these words, believing every single insult thrown at him. 

but just because he's accepted it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

kihyun on the other end refuses to accept this and for the fact that changkyun sounds so genuine about this really breaks his heart. kihyun feels horrible for even saying such a thing to the boy. this precious boy's smile is bright but it's so broken—he can see it.

"no changkyun," kihyun tells him sternly this time as his grips on the younger's shoulders. "you are not stupid, not even the slightest. i'm sorry that i even called you that. that was very insensitive of me. don't listen to those people or even me, because we're wrong." 

kihyun notices that the younger's eyes are slowly becoming glassy as he stares at him with this pleading gaze that it tugs at his heart. 

"do— do you really m—mean that?" changkyun stutters, sniffling to keep his tears in. the young boy tries to find any sort of insincerity in the older's eyes but all he sees are the softened gaze that wants him to believe every word he had said. 

"of course i do, changkyun," kihyun reassures gently with a small smile. changkyun sniffs one more time before wrapping his own arms around the older's waist, pulling him closer for a hug.

"you don't know how much that really means to me, hyung," changkyun says so softly but kihyun hears it as changkyun is so close to his ear. a smile graces upon kihyun's face as he complies with the hug, hugging the boy back too.

"thank you, hyung..."


	26. Chapter 26

yoo kihyun changed. anyone who's known the man for a decent amount of years can confidently say that he has evidently changed. 

kihyun wasn't always this quiet and reserved, actually, he was quite the opposite. he would be the typical university student that everybody wanted to hang out with. he would get invited to every party there is and when he feels like it, he would throw a party of his own. kihyun would even get into frequent fights and that's only because he has a low patience tolerance. if something ticked him off he'll be sure to let everyone know in the loudest, most obvious way possible. 

there were people who feared kihyun and there were people who wanted to be kihyun.

however, it seems like the said male has taken a whole three-sixty turn with his life now. kihyun isn't as sociable as he once was. he hasn't completely isolated himself from people after the accident but he did limit his interactions with everyone in general—besides his friends who adamantly still wants to pester him (not that kihyun isn't grateful).

one thing he's learned after coming back from the accident is that news spreads fast and rumors happen to spread even faster; within hours of that one fateful incident, almost everyone labeled and accused kihyun of being a _murderer_.

kihyun didn't care if people made fun of the fact that he couldn't walk anymore. sure, the insults did hurt somewhere in the depths of his cold heart but really he doesn't give two fucks about them. 

yet, when people call him a _murderer_ , that one word hits differently. it's almost like kihyun doesn't know how to go on after hearing that accusation leaving him feeling open, almost exposed even for being irresponsible to let such a horrible thing to happen... he feels so vulnerable.

he wouldn't fight back like he would before because realistically he _can't_. he knows he can't win, not physically of course, but that doesn't stop him verbally. he knows very well how verbal arguments can quickly turn into physical arguments yet that doesn't faze him one bit. if anything it makes kihyun's verbal arguments much stronger and vocal than before since physical arguments are out of the question for him.

"hey! i was talking to you, spaz," the male yells just as kihyun is peacefully wheeling himself to the parking lot to find hoseok. kihyun did intentionally ignore him, he wouldn't deny that and his patience is slowly wearing thin that he's been called out right now when he is just about to leave. 

"are you suddenly a retard?" the same male retorts when kihyun doesn't answer. kihyun rolls his eyes and turns around to be met with a very familiar face. they were on the same clique, such good friends once upon a time until the accident. things just aren't the same after everything. 

"only a retard can identify another," kihyun ripostes evident with annoyance. 

"what did you say you?" he seethes with deep anger as he fists kihyun's collar, lifting him off his wheelchair without caring about the shorter male's condition. kihyun isn't scared, but the position he is forced to be in now does hurt his back from the lack of standing. 

"i'm pretty sure i'm the one with the disability here... or am i wrong?" kihyun knows it was a bad move still the smaller male will not just sit there and listen to all these insults while he still has a functional mouth to throw some back.

just before the male could harm kihyun in any way a hand smacks him across his head. his grip falters and kihyun drops rather hard onto his wheelchair causing the smaller male to groan from the sudden impact and pain that shoots right up his whole back.

"kihyunnie," he hears his friend, jooheon, bent down just beside him looking at him worriedly especially when he's witnessed the way kihyun was dropped. "are you in pain?" he asks with thick concern.

"just—just my back," kihyun admits. jooheon immediately brings one of his hands to the smaller's back and starts massaging him slowly, hoping it'll ease his pain a little. 

"fucker!" the male before kihyun elicits venomously but it isn't directed at him. this time it is directed at wonho who stands right in front of the bully with a deep frown and tightly clenched fists. 

"i didn't think you would stoop _this_ low to harm someone who can't fight for themself," wonho tells him. hyungwon, who stood behind his boyfriend, moves to kihyun's other side inspecting him with deep concerns as well.

" _murderers_ don't deserve pity," the male spat, and this hits right at kihyun's heart making his stomach sink sickly. kihyun hates that word and he especially hates how it is associated with him. jooheon and hyungwon both whisper reassurance to him but kihyun can't hear them with his mind buzzing with his own thoughts. 

"and bullies don't deserve mercy," wonho snaps before throwing a punch right at the male's face. he stumbles back a couple of times before falling to the ground with a loud thud and a piercing screech from his sketchers. wonho towers the groaning male who holds his now bleeding nose while glaring up at the bigger male.

"if kihyun is hurt in any way after this i _will_ fucking end you," wonho threatens menacingly and people know wonho's threats aren't empty promises; he lives by his words. this is enough for the bleeding male to scramble up on his feet and take off down the hallway disappearing behind the doors.

"kihyun..." wonho calls softly, shifting his whole attention to his friend who looks lost in his wheelchair. 

"his back hurts, hoseok," jooheon tells him sadly and the aforementioned male frowns. 

"do you want to go to the infirmary?"

"i'll be okay," kihyun reassures flatly which is little to no reassurance to his friends. 

"you sure, kihyun?" hyungwon asks this time. "we really don't mind bringing you."

"if the pain gets any worst i'll let you know, okay? i just want to go home."

the three of them didn't pressure the shorter male anymore since they know his persistence and stubborn nature. jooheon pushes kihyun following both hoseok and hyungwon that's walking in front of them to hoseok's car. the entire car ride kihyun only stared out the window while the other three settle in random conversations. they did try to include kihyun in some of their conversations but when they see how distant their friend is, they just leave it altogether.

"you sure you'll be alright, kihyun?" wonho asks one more time when he drops the said male off outside his house.

"i'll be fine," kihyun answers tightly. the pain in his back is residing but the emotional pain doesn't feel any better. he knows that at any moment he can just burst out into tears and really, kihyun would rather deal with his emotional turmoil _alone_.

"we're just one call away, okay?" hyungwon says with a small smile. the shorter males mumbles a small _'yea'_ and wait by the sidewalk for the car to drive away. 

kihyun subconsciously looks across to his neighbor's quiet house. he is torn between wanting the younger boy's company and just wanting to be left alone; that is until he sees a small figure in the distance. it doesn't take long for kihyun to realize that it is changkyun and it did concern him that he identified him from the way the boy is limping. the boy is limping his way home. 

somehow kihyun can see how the younger boy's face instantly lights up when he notices kihyun being right there. changkyun starts "walking" as fast as his battered body will let him. kihyun, on the other hand, doesn't have the heart to give him the cold shoulders and go into his house seeing how happy changkyun looks just from the sight of him.

 _do i make him_ that _happy?_

"hyung!" changkyun now calls, the evident happiness in the younger's tone sends an odd warmth to spread across kihyun's chest but this seems to trigger his negative emotions. kihyun can't smile today watching the younger boy smile. instead, the urge to just cry suddenly becomes stronger. almost everyone accuses him of being a murderer yet here is this innocent young boy running towards him with the biggest smile despite all the shit he's done to him. 

kihyun hates how changkyun can still smile because of him even after being so mean to him. kihyun didn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve changkyun the least bit.

when changkyun is close enough he deliberately stops when he notices the older's bloodshot eyes brimming with thick tears that he knows will fall any second now. this startles changkyun.

"hyung...?" the boy limps closer to the older male just as his tears fall.

changkyun has only seen kihyun cried once and that was only because he had stubbornly followed the older male when he had left his house crying badly. changkyun had wanted to comfort the male despite not knowing how to. he wouldn't say that he was sure of this, but he assumes that kihyun would refrain himself from showing such emotions—especially in front of him because he naturally thinks that kihyun regrets ever crying in front of changkyun that day. 

however today, once again, kihyun is in front of changkyun... crying.

instinctively, changkyun carefully climbs onto kihyun's lap—this time voluntarily—and faces the older who is already looking up at him with more tears streaming down his cheeks. the young boy wipes kihyun's wet cheeks gently with a small pout.

"what's wrong, hyung?" the boy asks softly. kihyun's eyes just seem to puddle more with his lips pursed in a thin line. he didn't want to talk about it and changkyun senses that so instead he hugs the older male. changkyun wraps his frail arms around the older, making sure not to put too much pressure on the fresh wounds and bruises littered under the jacket he is wearing.

"it's okay, hyung, you don't have to tell me," changkyun tells him. carefully, he brings the older's head into his chest and cradles him that way for a moment. kihyun sighs heavily, leaning closer into the younger's warm chest; he gives in to the younger's comfort as he lets his guard down for a little while.

"do you want to know about microbursts, hyung?" changkyun questions meekly as he leans back to look at kihyun. he sees that the tears had stopped leaving only occasionally sniffles. "i read about them recently..."

"what's—that?" kihyun asks softly, genuinely curious about the topic he had brought up. the younger boy in his lap smiles widely, happy that the older male would want to hear about this new fact he's read up on. changkyun knows if he can't comfort kihyun with the right words, he might as well help him get his mind off the things that upset him. it's not the best way nevertheless it is better than nothing.

"hyung, did you know that a single microburst can bring down a whole boeing 737?"

"what?" 

changkyun goes on to explain what a microburst is and how this significant phenomenon is formed as well as other relevant details paired along with it all while kihyun observes the glimmer in his eyes and the smile that never for a second fade. 

he understands now why the younger has decided to bring up such a random topic. it did take his mind off the earlier incident at school and just listening to the younger boy on his lap ramble about this phenomenon that interests him so much, kihyun feels almost normal, like he's at peace. in that moment, kihyun has never been any more thankful for getting to know this younger boy.


	27. ⚠

"i can't, jooheon. not today."

"why not!" jooheon whines over the line. kihyun can already envision a displeased pout on his dimpled friend's lips, begging him to comply.

"i'm _busy_."

"how can you be 'busy' when we both literally take the same course? we have nothing to submit in the coming weeks anyway."

"i have someone over, okay?" kihyun finally retorts with an eye roll, knowing this friend of his won't leave him alone without some solid reason. 

"you have someone over?!" it's hyungwon this time that's shouting over the line that kihyun has to pull away from his ear for a while.

"you put me on speaker?"

"hyungwon wanted to hear in our conversation."

"who do you have over that we don't know about?" hyungwon buds in once again.

"changkyun..."

"changkyun? who's—"

"ah! kihyun's cute neighbour!" jooheon interjects with a much-lightened mood. the dimpled guy has taken a small interest in the cute boy and this seems to excite him even more knowing changkyun is over at kihyun's place.

"can we come over and—"

"no," kihyun immediately answers a little too loudly than intended. he turns to his bed where the younger boy has fallen asleep while attempting his homework. changkyun hadn't stayed long in kihyun's room but for some reason, the boy seemed pretty worn-out today than usual. he did notice the developing dark circles under his eyes as well as his slightly pale face. kihyun didn't ask but he could tell that the younger was really tired.

he did tell changkyun to go home and take a nap but changkyun insisted on staying with the excuse of being much more productive here than going back to his (lonely) home. changkyun just wanted company—something he will not admit out loud—and now that he has kihyun, the young boy will spend as much time as he can with him until he isn't wanted anymore.

"he's busy with his homework now. you guys can come over some other day," kihyun tells them and bids goodbye to a sulking jooheon and a slightly annoyed hyungwon—not that kihyun cares. this isn't his first time rejecting his friends' offer to hang out, but this might very well be the first time that he did so because of _changkyun._ he didn't want to wake the younger boy up considering he looks so peaceful sleeping now; that's the excuse he gives himself.

kihyun wheels over to the younger boy to remove the book that's fallen on his chest and to take the glasses he's been wearing off to place them on his table. he couldn't help but admire how adorable the younger looks even while sleeping. as kihyun's wandering eyes leave the boy's facial features, he unintentionally looks over at the boy's sleeve that had been rolled up a little and he sees something that makes him do a double take. curious, kihyun carefully rolls the sleeve up a little higher and he audibly gasps at what he didn't expect to see—mark; cut marks.

it shocked kihyun to see so many of these red lines all over his arms. they mostly reside on the upper parts of his arm and it angered him more to see the blue-black bruises starting to form on his arm as well. he knew the bruises were not self-inflicted but the cut marks? 

_could this boy be going through so much that he resorts to...cutting?_

that's when some things started making sense about the younger. he always wondered why he mostly wore long-sleeved shirts or walk around in hoodies even when it was uncalled for. there were times where the younger would get a little too defensive concerning his arms. he makes sure the sleeves were always pulled to the end which made sweater paws; kihyun always found them cute—but now it's questionable. he feels sick to his stomach knowing that changkyun might actually be self-harming.

he really didn't want to think the worst of the younger. his eyes look back up at changkyun's sleeping with a heavy heart. he seems so kind, too sweet for anything cruel to be cast upon his life. so how can someone as innocent as changkyun be littered with these many scars and bruises?

kihyun carefully pulls the blanket over the smaller boy. changkyun subconsciously snuggles deeper into the warm blanket eliciting a content whine to which kihyun chuckles softly. for some reason seeing how relaxed the younger looks lightens his chest; it is almost like an instinct to protect him.

he sighs heavily in dejection. he knew he couldn't simply bring this matter up to the younger since he was already reserved from the start about his private and school life, heck he still didn't know why he was hiding from his parents the other day!

from all the times he had spent with this young boy now sleeping in his bed he had come to realize how docile he was. he would never go out of his way to do anything he wanted unless when asked; other times he would just follow along to whatever kihyun said. he would be exhilarated whenever the younger sees him and he didn't mind spending time with kihyun even if it meant not doing anything. 

a gentle knock on his door makes kihyun turn to see his mother standing by his door with a small smile. her eyes fleet over to the sleeping boy and her smile widens, internally cooing at the adorable sight.

"oh, poor boy. he must be tired," mrs yoo says as she enters the room. kihyun knew his mother had a soft spot for changkyun by how concerned she gets of him from time to time. "has he eaten anything yet?"

"i don't think so."

"why don't you help me set the table while i wake him up? i made some cookies for tea."

kihyun hesitates with the idea of waking changkyun up but he complies with a soft "okay" then wheels himself out.

mrs yoo smiles down at the small boy. he has been over so often that she has taken a liking to the boy. she didn't know much about the boy's background but she can tell that he is soft-spoken and timid. even from the first time she met him, she knew that the boy was going through his own battles hence why she's always careful around him.

she gently caressed the boy's fallen hair away from his face before shaking him awake gently. "sweetheart," she calls softly with such endearment. changkyun does stir a little before he snuggles deeper into the comforter, huffing against the pillow for being disturbed. mrs yoo chuckles and continues to caress the boy's hair.

"changkyun sweetheart, please wake up," she calls another time. this time his eyes flutters as he tries to make out the person by his side. 

he knew he heard a woman's voice which didn't make sense because he doesn't remember his mother ever calling him with such affection before. that is when he realized where he was—and where he is sleeping. almost immediately the young boy gasps and sits upright. when he sees mrs yoo sitting beside him his first instinct is to move away which he did it out of trauma, not intentional.

"it's just me, sweetheart. don't worry," she reassures with a hint of sadness. she sees the immense fear in his eyes and she feels bad for scaring the boy like that.

"s—sor—sorry!" changkyun stutters, clutching onto the blanket as he tries to cover himself.

"don't apologize. i just wanted to tell you that i've made some cookies for you and kihyun to eat." the boy lowers the blanket slightly to look mrs yoo, trying to catch any sort of ulterior motives she might have to be _this_ nice to him. no one—not most adults—are ever this caring towards the young boy which truly baffles him now that mrs yoo seems so... genuine. 

changkyun's eyes start scanning around the room as he wonders where kihyun has gone. he is beginning to get a little on edge realizing that kihyun is nowhere in his room. 

"are you looking for something, sweetheart?"

the younger's eyes widen and he shies away even more to the other side of kihyun's bed. "ki—kihyun h—hyung?"

"changkyun?" the aforementioned male calls. he comes into the room and goes around the side that changkyun is on. just when the younger sees kihyun he sighs in relief and scoots a little closer to him. kihyun notices the discomfort in the younger's face and so he wheels himself closer to his bed to take changkyun's hand. 

"what's wrong?" kihyun asks worriedly.

"i—i—"

"i guess i scared him," his mom answers instead when she notices how bad changkyun's stutter is getting. kihyun looks back at the younger who has his head lowered, staring intently on the his bedsheet. 

changkyun feels the embarrassment swimming within him causing this heaviness to sink in his chest. he really wants to disappear right there and then for embarrassing himself in front of kihyun's mother—again. he scolds himself internally as well for being such an idiot. he knows that mrs yoo is a really nice person and she hasn't given him any reasons thus far for changkyun to doubt her yet still, the fear of other's (especially adults) getting close to him is deeply instilled in him that it will take something more than words to reassure the younger that he won't be hurt.

"are you okay?" kihyun asks this time, squeezing the younger's hand. changkyun nods silently. mrs yoo makes her way to the younger's side as well keeping a good distance and changkyun unintentionally tightens his hold in kihyun's hand as he stares up at her. she offers a kind smile, a smile so warm that changkyun wishes he had witnessed that all these years. 

he has only seen that smile being directed to minhyuk while he hides in the shadows waiting for the moment when his own mother will look at him like that. he tried and did all that minhyuk did to make his mother (and father) smile but changkyun never understood why they seem to have the opposite effect on him. it seems like they only hate him more for _trying_.

"i know it'll take a while but i hope one day you'll be able to trust me," mrs yoo tells him sincerely. kihyun frowns at his mother confusedly while changkyun seems almost dazed. he didn't know how to respond to that. mrs yoo then leaves the room, telling the two boys to come whenever they're ready.

"you sure nothing happened?" kihyun questions once again.

"n—not that i—i know of," the younger stutters which cause kihyun's frown to deepen more. it's been a while since changkyun had stuttered around him and he came to realize a while back that changkyun only ever stutters when he's nervous or extremely scared.  
  



	28. Chapter 28

it is almost like a habit for kihyun to beckon the younger boy to sit on his lap and changkyun had stopped apologizing whenever he gets on or off kihyun's lap which is a much relief to the older because really he doesn't mind it at all considering most of his days spent with the younger he notices some kind of a weird limp in each of his legs or sometimes even both. even so on days where the boy could walk fine, kihyun still reaches out for him to sit especially when they're leaving his house.

once changkyun is comfortable on kihyun's lap, arms wrapped securely around his neck he gives a wide smile towards the older before sneezing softly from the cold night breeze.

"bless you," kihyun says with a light snicker. "are you sure your brother doesn't mind you going out _this_ late with me?"

"he's out with his fiance now but i did text him to let him know i'll be with you. hyung doesn't mind unless i were to go alone."

"owh? i didn't know they were engaged." 

"y—yea. shownu hyung proposed a few months back."

kihyun notices the tremble of the boy's arms and his slightly shivering body against his and he grows concerned realizing he only has on a thin beige sweater. "don't you want to put on something much warmer? you're shivering changkyun," kihyun tells him worriedly. 

"i'll be fine, hyung! besides, the 7 Eleven will be warm enough for me," changkyun reassures with a smile.

kihyun can only sigh. he moves the boy's body closer to him trying to provide as much warmth as his own body could give. "get closer to me so you'll feel a little warmer." changkyun's head drops when he feels his cheeks getting warm at the older's request. the young boy only nods timidly, moving a little more closer to kihyun. satisfied, the older male wheels the both of them down the road to the nearest 7 Eleven which would take about ten minutes or so.

"so _my_ little astronomer, the journey to 7 Eleven will take a while... mind telling me something that resides far beyond the sky we see tonight?" kihyun inquires.

"what do you want to know hyung?" 

"i don't know. surprise me i guess?"

"hmm..." changkyun thinks for a moment. he looks up to the vast horizon admiring the starless night as it too holds it's own beauty and serenity. changkyun believes that not everything needs to be dusted in sparkly stars to be admired but rather he likes to find its beauty in the plain (boring) sky. even the sky tonight; although starless and the moon barely visible, he can still make out the thick clouds that still floats indistinctively; boring to the plain eyes but mysterious to those who are willing to take the time to admire.

"how about Uranus?"

"your—anus?" kihyun questions jokingly, pretending to be clueless. 

"wha—hyung no!" changkyun immediately retorts as he smacks the older's arms with much redder cheeks than before. he knows he doesn't need any more warmth from the older if he'll be getting warmer from his own embarrassment. 

kihyun couldn't help but burst out laughing at how flustered the younger is. changkyun finds himself staring right at the older male in front of him, laughing his head off. he hasn't noticed it before but when kihyun laughs his eyes disappear into a thin line with crinkles around them and his pearly white teeth out on full display. changkyun hardly ever sees kihyun smile even when they spend time together. if changkyun is lucky he could see a smirk or a small grin some days but other than that the older pretty much has a cold demeanor stiched on his face. that being said, this might be the first time he's seen kihyun laugh like this—or laugh with him at all. 

he likes this—this happy, smiling kihyun, changkyun likes it and it warms his heart for some reason that the older is smiling like this.

"i know. i know. the planet Uranus, the seventh planet from the sun, right?"kihyun finally says and the younger boy nods almost instantly. kihyun continues snickering at his shy nature.

"hyung, stop laughing," the boy whines as he hides his face right in kihyun's chest.

"we all have anus' changkyun. it's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"hy—hyung! oh my god stop saying that word!"

"you mean—" changkyun quickly covers the older's mouth with widened eyes. kihyun can now visibly see the really red cheeks of the younger as they pass under a streetlight and he chuckles into the younger's hand before he removes it. 

"okay okay."

"oh my god," changkyun breathes out, patting his hot cheeks to cool himself down. lost in his own timid world changkyun almost loses his balance on kihyun to which the older male is quick to react. he uses one of his hand to wrap around changkyun's waist making him yelp out of genuine fear knowing he was moments before faceplanting on the tar road.

"hold tight, changkyun. i don't want you to get hurt," kihyun tells him. and he does. he clasps one of his hand on his other arm around the older's neck once again, moving away from the edge of kihyun's knees. "so, tell me about the planet Uranus."

changkyun takes a breather to collect his thoughts properly before beginning, "Uranus is the third-largest planetary and has the fourth largest mass in the solar system so it is known as an _ice giant_.

"ice giants are planets mainly composed of elements that are much heavier than hydrogen and helium like oxygen, nitrogen, and carbon. another example of an ice giant is Neptune which is known to be similar in composition with Uranus. they also—oh hyung, cherry blossoms!" changkyun exclaims excitedly as he pauses halfway from the distraction in front. 

kihyun looks up to the trees before them and sees the lightly falling baby pink showers of cherry blossoms are. he stops for a moment when changkyun reaches one of his hands forward to catch the flowers. it didn't take long for the younger to get a few and he arranges them nicely on kihyun's hair. the older male shakes his head once he is done with a small smile before continuing to wheel them. 

"sorry, where was i... oh yes! Uranus has twenty-seven _natural satellites_ which are—"

"i'm sorry, _natural satellites_?" kihyun questions unsurely. the imagery he has in his head right now is a giant blue ball (Uranus) suspended in space surrounded by floating objects (man-made satellites)—twenty-seven of them which didn't make so much sense in his head.

"moons. moons are also known as natural satellites," changkyun clarifies. kihyun nods in understanding and beckons for the younger to carry on. "and these natural sate—i mean moons are named after characters based on shakespeare's and alexander pope's works such as juliet, miranda and ariel.

"it also has planetary rings which are made of really dark particles and they vary in many sizes from as small as a micrometer to as large as a fraction of a meter. for now, there are thirteen distinctively known planetary rings on Uranus."

"that's way more than i've ever known about Uranus," kihyun tells the younger boy honestly, completely in awe that he knows so much about the solar system in specific details. "the most i've known are that it's the seventh planet from the sun and it is the only weird one tilting on the side of its axis."

changkyun gets off kihyun's lap when they were about to reach the 7 Eleven and once they enter they make their way to the ramen section first. they've picked out a variety of different ramens, a few samgak kimbaps, as well as two bottles of pepsi, then settle at a table at the furthest corner where there would be little to no disturbance.

true to his words, changkyun isn't shivering all that much in the 7 Eleven but kihyun still notices the little shudders here and there. instinctively, he takes out the first layer of his jacket and wraps it around the younger boy who jumps out of the sudden contact. he looks down at the black jacket now on his shoulder and frowns at the older.

"hyung?"

"i don't want to be responsible if you get sick tomorrow," kihyun simply says with a shrug, going back to devour his hot cup of ramen. changkyun wants to oppose but kihyun beats him to it. "you did say that Uranus is the third-largest planet, right?" changkyun hums as he quietly accepts the older's jacket. "how big is it exactly?" the younger places his chopsticks down to really think, recalling back to the articles he read about the said planet.

"it's about sixty-three times greater than Earth which also means sixty-three planet Earths can fit inside one whole Uranus!" the younger exclaims.

"wow, that is one huge anus," kihyun mutters with a playful tone and changkyun groans almost immediately.

"i—oh god, hyung! i'm done— i'm not going to talk about Uranus with you anymore," the young boy huffs, turning away slightly in his seat as he feels his cheeks tinting crimson once again all while kihyun laughs out loud with his head thrown back not caring that they are in a public convenience store.


	29. ⚠

changkyun would say that it has been a while-not a long time considering he gets beaten almost every day, but it's been a while where the aggression was anything remotely _deadly_. if changkyun could ever recall the moments where his life literally flashed before his eyes he could easily say around one to two times in his whole high school years. he wasn't desperate to live but at the same time being on the brinks of death is terrifying for a teenager.

the young boy knew he was definitely in it for today when he had slipped and unintentionally bumped into one of the well-known jocks of the school ruining his jersey. not that it is a big deal besides the fact that there might be a stain now on his "precious" jersey where he had spilled ink all over it.

in the young boy's defense, he wasn't exactly walking the best when he walked into school that morning and some people who took notice thought it would be funny to trip the already limping boy just for the fun of it. but what they hadn't expected was the jock to be standing a few feet in front handling ink. it is all a laughing stock when changkyun enters the classroom and gets tripped... that is until he bumps right into the jock.

the classmate that tripped changkyun immediately runs to his seat as the jock himself stomps his way with a death-piercing scowl towards the young boy on the floor. he didn't have much time to register all that is going on; one moment he was on the ground the next he is being lifted up by a pair of hands by his collar. changkyun first sees the black stain on the jersey before his eyes lift to the black orbs filled with seething anger directed right at him.

changkyun undoubtedly trembles in the male's hands knowing this isn't going to end very well. even though this jock isn't one of his regular bullies but changkyun fears everyone because everyone is technically a bully at this point. changkyun is a toy-a mere punching bag for his schoolmates to release their anger at and they didn't care if he was the reason or not. it's is all a convenience for the students that changkyun is always there and they didn't need his consent for it.

"you fucking cunt," the jock spits. a bone-chilling shiver runs down the young boy's spine and his brown orbs can only widen in immense fear as those very words run through his body.

"i-i-di-didn't-"

"you literally are a walking mistake, aren't you?" this crushes the younger's heart. he knew he isn't wanted yet hearing it from someone else's mouth hurts so much more. changkyun can hear the light snickers around them when the statement was made and his tears stream down hot against his cheeks. he can't bring himself to answer anything. even if his mouth opens nothing comes out. he can only silently cry and pray to whoever that is out there to let him off easy-though that usually never happens.

"i-didn't-mean-i'm-"

changkyun is almost getting his words out-he is trying-but he instantly stops when he feels the air through his windpipe being restricted. the jock is _choking_ him. having his strong grasps enclosed around the young boy's small throat, changkyun starts gasping for air, weakly hitting onto the arms around his neck as his tears fall even more feeling so hopeless.

"i get that your life is shit but that doesn't mean you have to fucking ruin it all for all of us!" the jock now yells at his pale face. all changkyun can do is gasp even harder and hit his arms which to no avail did he loosen his grip; if anything changkyun feels him tightening around his windpipe.

changkyun's mouth moves, trying to get desperate pleas out but he can't tell if its from the restriction of oxygen or the fear that's preventing any sound from leaving his mouth. he's beginning to see black spots as his vision starts to get blurry from the lack of oxygen.

 _maybe i might go today,_ changkyun thinks and for some reason, he doesn't think that it's so bad. maybe this guy right here is doing him-and everyone else-a huge favor. one less waste of space in this school. one less embarrassment to his family. and one less burden to minhyuk.

"so fucking useless," he snarls and drops the boy down onto the floor like he's just some scanty trash. changkyun falls with a loud thud causing him to groan out loud from his still unhealed wounds littering his body. the young boy starts coughing violently as one of his hands try to ease the tingling feeling around his neck. he takes huge relieving gasps of fresh air with the sea of laughter around him only seem to get louder as he gradually starts being more aware of his surrounding once again.

it's sick, so fucking twisted how watching this young boy heaving desperately for life is entertainment for everyone else. no one thought to stop the jock, no one even thought to run to him to check if he is okay.

it hurts. not so much the physical pain (at first) but his emotional pain overshadows everything else at the moment. changkyun thought that there should at least be an ounce of humanity in his classmates-he thought wrong. they are treating him like he is anything but human right now.

his chest painfully aches. it's almost like he can feel someone holding his heart and squeezing it in a torturous slow. with blurred visions and an aching heart, changkyun scrambles to his feet and forces himself to run out the classroom to the toilet at the furthest end. he instantly shoves himself into the last cubicle, fumbling with the lock before he lets his whole body fall onto the cold hard ground in sheer exhaustion and agony.

when his emotional pain progressively gets replaced by his physical pain that's when the boy convulses, crying and coughing heavily. he feels the heavy prints where the pair of hands once were around his neck now burning his skin, bruising it blue-black. changkyun is crying so hard that he chokes on his own pitiful sobs, each cry coming out much painful than the next from his wounded throat.

he feels the pit of his stomach gurgling painfully with every passing minute, the tip of his tongue tasting bitter making him retch. it only takes seconds after for him to cling weakly against the toilet bowl and throw out all the content of in his stomach. the acid from his stomach burns much more now as it travels up his wounded throat with the next few consisted of splotches of _blood_. this doesn't faze changkyun the least bit.

when his entire body tires out, he falls limply against the cubicle wall; throat burning, mouth stenched of metallic disgust, and limbs barely able to move. changkyun doesn't know how long he's been there in that small quiet cubicle but he knows he fell asleep and when he wakes up he had missed most of his classes for the day.

changkyun couldn't cry looking at his pathetic state in the mirror. he couldn't even feel pity for himself. it was his fault for even living this moment. he could end it, but he doesn't want to-at least not now. he forcefully drags his body out after cleaning what he could to endure a few more classes before he can drown in his own sadness at home.

the first thing he does when he reaches home is to quickly find a turtle neck he could wear for the next few days because he didn't want minhyuk to see the horrible bruising around his neck. minhyuk already had enough to deal with changkyun, he didn't feel like adding another unnecessary thing to the plate. fortunately for him, he manages to find a few worn-out turtlenecks in his wardrobe and he thinks it will do for a few days until the bruising is light enough to be covered with some concealer.

 **Kihyun:** are u home?

the young boy sighs at the message sent by his neighbor. he knew that kihyun is asking him this because he might want to go out with him however changkyun didn't have the strength to put on a fake smile today and pretend like he is all okay. it's one of those days where everything piled on him is a little too much that faking for the sake of it is just overbearing and too draining.

 **Kihyun:** are you okay changkyun?

changkyun is someone who was quick to respond to text messages considering he, minhyuk, and shownu are the only people that ever text him. so it did come across as unusual when he hadn't replied kihyun within a few minutes.

 **Changkyun:** i'm sorry hyung i'm not feeling well today

 **Kihyun:** do you want me to come over?

_yes._

**Changkyun:** no

 **Kihyun:** i hope you feel better soon...

sitting in his room echoing with thick defining silence, he holds onto his one true companion-his friend he has since the beginning of his misery. it was there when changkyun felt helpless and it's now here to take his pain away. he doesn't need its company every day but it never once disappointed changkyun when he needs it the most. that's a true companion-the only _cold_ companion changkyun has known to ever stay.

as the waves of his dark thoughts come crashing more violently in his head, changkyun debates with the cold metal in his hand.


	30. Chapter 30

"wonho hyung, help!" changkyun shrieks. 

wonho snaps his head towards changkyun's direction in confusion and sees the younger boy running his way. instinctively, he opens his arms for him who in seconds collides with his chest. changkyun hugs him tight while giggling breathily from the heavy running. wonho encloses his long arms around the boy's smaller frame and looks down at him with a small smile.

"changkyun that's not fair!" hyungwon huffs just behind them, panting with both his hands resting on his knees. 

"it is fair, hyung!"

"damn, you run real fast changkyun," jooheon breathes out seconds later beside hyungwon just as breathless.

"no, it isn't!" hyungwon fights back. "i am _it_ and you can't just take refuge from wonho—that's not how the game works!"

"you alright there, changkyunnie?" wonho asks this time. changkyun nods against the older male's chest, taking another huge gulp of air.

"just—tired. wanted—wanted to stop a little," the boy says between breathes then giggles again as he hugs the taller man tighter. changkyun has found a different kind of comfort from kihyun's friends since they have hung out a few times now and changkyun is becoming more comfortable with them.

"baby, let him go," hyungwon tells his boyfriend.

wonho wanted to move to face them but he stops when he sees something rather unusual. his eyes moves to the back of changkyun's neck that is slightly exposed from his turtleneck and the older's heart immediately sinks at the horrid sight. he sees the ugly red bruising around his neck—it isn't as bad as a few days before but it is still red (and a little purple), awful enough to be worrying.

"let him rest," wonho tells them tightly; his mood instantly changes. he feels sick to his stomach seeing how such a horrible thing could happen to this sweet boy. he doesn't know if it's home violence or school bullying but neither settles well with him. 

for as long as wonho has known changkyun he is a shy boy and rarely talks (at first). now that they've grown a little more comfortable with each other he can see the much brighter side of this young boy; he is bright, full of life, and always _smiling_.

that perhaps is what making wonho feel so unsettled with the fact that changkyun is actually smiling right now while he has this bruise around his neck. it must've hurt—it looks painful just from plain sight—and it baffles him really how the young boy is able to run around like nothing has happened.

wonho has always trusted his guts and he likes how he is right most of the time but now that his guts are slowly becoming true about changkyun, he hates it—he wishes more than anything for it to be wrong.

"i think we should all rest a little," jooheon says this time. he runs off with hyungwon to the small picnic table by the slide where they had kept their water bottles. changkyun sees his hyungs quenching their thirst making parched as well.

"hyung we should get our bottle too," changkyun tells wonho. however, wonho didn't loosen his grip around the younger boy. he tightens his arms around him and hugs him. he knows it may seem sudden and really uncalled for but wonho feels like the young boy needs this even if he isn't openly asking for it. 

changkyun stiffens momentarily when he feels the sudden warm arms enclosing him closer before he lets his guards down and snuggles deeper, enjoying this rare comfort he is getting. changkyun smiles against the older's chest. he doesn't remember the last time someone has hugged him like this and he doesn't know how long this will last so he takes advantage of this short-lived affection wholeheartedly.

changkyun runs off once again with hyungwon and jooheon once he quenched his own thirst. a small smile graces on wonho's lips at how happy the younger seems yet the uneasy tug at the back of his heart still bothers him. he should be smiling—an angel like changkyun should be smiling, not smile while being sad and wounded; that is just all wrong. 

his gaze fleets to his friend that just reappeared in a distance; kihyun had disappeared for a moment saying that his parents had called him. his wheel-chaired friend stops for a moment when jooheon, hyungwon, and changkyun squeal out loud and he observes how his friend shake his head with a small smile—and he knows that that smile is for changkyun. he knows kihyun is much closer to the younger boy than anyone else and he thinks its best he approaches kihyun. wonho and changkyun are no longer in that awkward stage yet he knows that they're not in the stage where he could be emotionally intimate with him.

"how long have they been running around like that?" kihyun asks wonho when he gets closer to him.

"since the moment they got here." kihyun snickers as he continues to watch them, mostly the younger boy whose smile only seems to grow by the minute. 

"fucking toddlers," kihyun retorts but none of the sarcasm is present, more so it's filled with endearment and wonho senses that.

"kihyun, has changkyun ever mentioned any worrying matter to you?"

kihyun frowns as he look up to his friend who is aready looking at him. "about what exactly?"

"things like...bullying or being domestically abused?" kihyun stays quiet instead of answering. he had never asked the younger any of these before and changkyun had certainly never approached him once about it (or about any problems really). however, kihyun does have his suspicions that grows stronger every day when he sees the younger with new bruises in new places or the unusual limp in his walks. 

and wonho doesn't know what is more frustrating; the fact that kihyun had little to no reaction with what he just said or that he is just being silent.

"no... why?"

"don't you see it, kihyun? i know you are anything but stupid so i know you've seen at least something about that boy."

"i've never—"

"so you're going to tell me that changkyun limping is normal? or that it is _normal_ for him or anyone to wear a fucking turtleneck when it is this hot?" 

all kihyun can do is press his lip in a thin line as he takes in all that his friend has said. he knows exactly what wonho is talking about, kihyun isn't an idiot but he does feel ashamed that he needs the push of his friend to actually acknowledge that there is truly something wrong with changkyun. kihyun never once confronted him about it and he doesn't know why.

"look, i would ask him myself if i could but i can't. we're getting close but not close enough to share something _that_ deep, you know? and i really don't want to wait until he is truly comfortable with me to share his problems because things might escalate by then. so, i'm asking you to ask him. you don't have to tell me what he said but just—just ask the boy because i know something really serious is happening and it looks like no one is helping him and if they are they are doing a fucking poor job at it."

"you—you sound pretty _pressed_ about this..."

" _pressed_? seriously kihyun i didn't peg you to be this ignorant," wonho snaps. "the boy might—"

"baby!" hyungwon calls just as wonho is about to say something more. the aforementioned male looks at his boyfriend and sees him as well as the other two males running back to them. "it's getting late, we should probably go. jooheon needs a ride home too." wonho looks at his watch and sighs, it is late. 

he tells both hyungwon and jooheon to head to the car first. hyungwon takes the key and races jooheon to his car. wonho then leans into kihyun and whispers, "look at his neck." kihyun's guts drop at what wonho tells him as he already has a few things running in his mind at what he could possibly see and none of them are any reassuring. 

"ask him; not for us but for him." kihyun nods.

changkyun waves them all goodbye. when they are out of sight the younger boy turns to kihyun with a huge smile plastered feeling heavily content at how the day has been despite the shitty starting from school.

"they're really amazing, hyung!" changkyun tells kihyun with such awe. kihyun gives him a small smile and nods, acknowledging what changkyun said. 

he then pats his lap, beckoning for the younger to sit which changkyun does so without hesitation. he carefully climbs on and kihyun wheels them around to watch the orange hue of the sunset dawning before them for a moment before they head back. while the younger's full attention is occupied by the mysterious sky, kihyun's mind is rambling with unspoken thoughts. 

he knows he can't simply just dive in and ask changkyun something as sensitive as topics of bullying or even (domestic) violence. so he waits. he might have a plan or two on how he would approach changkyun but he waits for now. even if it itches his skin, kihyun will wait for the right moment to ask the younger because right now he seems content with whatever he has right now and he doesn't want to ruin the younger's peace.

"hyung," changkyun calls mindlessly as he settles more comfortably on kihyun's lap. the older hums as he instinctively wraps his arms around the younger's small waist, pulling him closer to his chest. "what's your star sign? i've never asked you that before."

"scorpio."

 _'look at his neck'._ his eyes fall to the edge of his turtleneck but it covers his neck fully.

"scorpio..." changkyun repeats thoughtfully. his attention gets momentarily distracted by a butterfly that flutters right above them before it lands on the grass just below kihyun's wheelchair. subconsciously, changkyun leans down to take a good look at the black and blue flying beauty all while the back of his neck is pulled away from the material of his turtleneck, exposing the tainted skin.

kihyun silently gasps in horror at the sight right in front of him. he sees it. he sees the horrible bruising all around his neck and what makes it even worse it the fact that he could make out a few finger marks along his neck. he wants to touch it, to tend to it, to mend it—fuck, he wished he never happened in the first place but all kihyun can do is stare with wide eyes. he dumbfoundedly stares at it as he wrecks the depths of his brain trying to understand who or why anyone would do this to changkyun.

what breaks his heart even more is when changkyun turns around to smile at kihyun as though nothing happened at all.


	31. Chapter 31

kihyun had been to changkyun's room a few times (upon the younger's invitation of course) but for some reason today he seems more observant than he was before. he has been ignorant about the many possibilities that the younger is being abused and he chose to turn a blind eye on the small red flags popping up occasionally which he curses himself for now. he especially hates how it took one of his own friends to knock some sense into his thick skull.

the older doesn't know why he didn't just knock once he had reached outside the younger's room but it could perhaps be from the way the younger is writing so intently into this gray tattered book that piqued his interest. he observes the younger's expression closely and it's different. his expressions aren't hopeless like when he does his maths work nor is it irritated like when he does any other school homework however it certainly doesn't gleam like when he does his literature work. 

instead, changkyun looks sad—so immensely heartbroken that kihyun can almost feel the depressing aura being emitted by the younger. his frown only deepens when he sees the faint drop of a tear falling down onto the book he's writing into and that's when he notices the quiet sniffles coming from the younger boy himself before he quickily bites his bottom lip to quiet himself down.

changkyun quickly wipes the remain tears on his cheeks and resumes writing obliviously. kihyun frowns deeply, wondering how deep into his thought the younger must be to not have noticed kihyun's presence for the past five minutes.

kihyun carefully retracts his wheelchair away from the younger's door and stops by the entrance of the empty living room. he feels queasy, an uncomfortable sink in his guts as a lump form in his throat. he has seen changkyun sad before but not _this_ sad. he's seen changkyun get upset over his failing maths tests and when he didn't get to do certain things that he wants but those times his sadness seemed different—almost light, not as angsty as they seemed now.

 **Changkyun:** what time will you be coming hyung?

kihyun has multiple scenarios planned in his head for how he will approach the younger. wonho had even asked the male if he had spoken to changkyun to which he shamefully admitted _'no'._ he knows that the matter is serious (if changkyun really is getting abused) but it's much harder to approach someone about it let alone bring up such topic than it's thought out. 

no matter how close kihyun may be with the younger boy now it doesn't mean it is any easier to suddenly swerve their random conversations into a sudden _'hey, i was wondering if you're getting beaten up because i've been noticing bruises and your limp for a while now'_ because that isn't exactly a great conversation changer. and it isn't an effective approach as well.

 **Kihyun:** i'm omw

kihyun could choose to be ignorant (like before) and let it be another person's problem to deal with changkyun, but he doesn't want to, or he chooses not to. 

kihyun is a person who would rather mind his own business than to get his nose stuck in someone else's which would only add to the endless problems he already has. yet he didn't understand why he felt compelled to help changkyun.

was it because of pity? perhaps. was it because he wanted his friend to be alright? maybe. or could it be that he genuinely wanted to because he was _im changkyun_? he doesn't know.

all kihyun knows is that the smile the younger gives him whenever changkyun sees him-- the same bright smile that's directed to him right now—is the smile he wants the younger to have every day, and it's not only because he is there. 

"i thought you weren't coming, hyung," changkyun says as kihyun wheels in.

"why wouldn't i?" changkyun just shrugs. 

the younger really don't know how to answer that but if kihyun were to cancel on him he wouldn't be too surprised as well. he is still genuinely in disbelief at how he has a friend (or friends?) and he does wonder how long all these small good things will last in his life. he doesn't want to count to the day it ends, but he hopes he has long enough days to be content with these small specks of happiness.

"how was school today?" kihyun asks trying to sound nonchalant. his gazes stay on the younger who's expression does falter for a moment before the smile on his lips return—this time the smile isn't sincere; his eyes don't hold the similar glint as they did before.

"it—it was alright. just stupid homeworks," changkyun answers. kihyun stares at him for a few more moments before he nods. he lied again.

_should i ask him now?_

"are you okay, hyung?" changkyun asks when he notices the older zoning out. "something seems to be bothering you..."

"oh—um—it's just—classes...?" kihyun trails off at the end making it sound almost like a question itself. he mentally slaps himself.

"don't worry, hyung. things will turn around eventually," changkyun encourages. "so, would you like to take the bed or use the study table?"

"study table."

changkyun gets off his bed to clean up some space for the older male to use. kihyun mumbles a soft _'thank you'_ and places the bag he had brought with him on the table. the younger plops back down on his bed, putting away the gray tattered book under his pillow to which kihyun sees but says nothing off. changkyun looks up to the older male who's staring at his direction, more specifically the place where he had hid his book and he shifts uncomfortably on his bed.

"do you need anything, hyung?" the younger asks this time. kihyun snaps out of his daze and shakes his head. 

kihyun really has been so out of it for the past few days. on one hand, he wants (and needs) to confront the younger about this serious matter and _now,_ on the other hand, he is now occupied with questions of what lies within that gray tattered book. he suspects it might be changkyun's deep thoughts and it only heightens kihyun's curiosity even more, wondering how deep the younger's thoughts can go. 

would he understand the younger better if he had a glimpse of a few pages? 

he knows he shouldn't even have these thoughts as options. he isn't one to invade someone's privacy yet he tries to justify his contemplation of sneaking a few peaks behind those pages by saying that he'll understand the younger better and therefore he'll be able to help him efficiently. 


	32. Chapter 32

impeccable timing is something changkyun rarely accounters in his life. there were times where he prayed for things to go north but it ends up going far south that he sometimes wonders he if prayed for the right thing or if he even prayed to the right god. and there are times where he does wonder if anyone ever hears his desperate prayers at least once. but for as long as changkyun can remember none of his prayers had ever been answered once as each prayer seem to become as useless as every plead of help he's ever cried out to. 

like today.

out of all the days, one of his bullies thought it would be a great idea to give him a black eye today, not that he planned to hide it from minhyuk because he knows he can't. but he did plan on staying home for the next two days (and quite possibly avoid kihyun) until the bruising heals enough for him to conceal it. 

yet it seems like it had to be today that kihyun so happen to be outside changkyun's house, waiting for him. changkyun quickly puts on his large hoodie that manages to cover most of his bruised face with his pace towards his house only getting slower. he had of course wanted to run away as soon as he's seen the older male but unfortunately, kihyun has already noticed him coming from a good distance. running away abruptly will only cause more suspicions which would then lead to unnecessary questions—questions which changkyun knows he doesn't want to answer.

kihyun can already see something is amiss; the way the younger walks is unusually slower now than he did days before. he's used to the younger running towards him whenever he sees him; not this. he also sees how the huge hood over the younger's head hides most of his face which he frowns. 

the usual changkyun he knows would be sprinting towards him with a huge smile etched on his cute face.

"a—are we m—meeting today, hyung?" changkyun asks softly once he had reached kihyun. 

"changkyun, it's literally thirty-three degrees outside. why are you wearing a hoodie?" kihyun questions instead, totally disregarding the younger's timid question.

"i—i'm cold..."

"are you sick?" he moves closer to the younger to touch his forehead but changkyun flinches away, taking a few steps back. his head is still lowered to the ground and eyes barely meeting those of the older's.

"i'm not feeling well, hyung. maybe we—" 

"you're being bullied," kihyun deadpans. it isn't a question. it is a clear statement from kihyun and this is further proven right when changkyun makes the mistake of looking up at the older, fully exposing his bruised face. his eyes widen as kihyun gasps out loud at the sight before him.

"fuck changkyun!" the younger jumps at the sudden outburst and lowers his head once again, mentally cursing himself for being so careless and stupid.

"i'm fine, hyung." 

"no. no, you're not. what part of _that_ is fine to you?" kihyun questions tightly as he gets irritated from the younger's constant denial. 

"it's normal, hyung. who doesn't get bullied at least once in their high school?"

"changkyun—"

"i'm alright, hyung, see?" changkyun looks up once more and _smiles_ for him this time but kihyun's eyebrow's only furrow deeper as his eyes scan over the one black eye that is now throbbing and the cuts on his temple and his bloody split lip. 

_how the fuck can this boy still smile with all these bruises?_

"we need to clean that," kihyun tells him, grabbing the younger's wrist and pulls him towards the younger's house.

"no, hyung, i'm fine!" changkyun fights back stubbornly.

"changkyun for christ's sake stop being so fucking stubborn and just let me clean them! stop being so goddamn difficult!" kihyun snaps, patience already wearing thin. the younger only whimpers softly as he stops fighting back. 

changkyun doesn't nod or says anything to agree yet kihyun still brings him into his house and straight to the bathroom where he asks for the first aid kit. changkyun reluctantly gives it to him before kihyun beckons for the younger boy to seat on the lid of the toilet bowl where it is high enough for kihyun to clean his wounds. 

changkyun doesn't say anything when kihyun carefully brings the younger's face closer to his nor did he say anything when kihyun starts dabbing on the cuts. the most the younger does is hiss quietly or wince from time to time when the antiseptic stings his open wounds while his hands are curled into a tight fist, knuckles painfully white.

his gaze settles on particularly nothing as his mind whirls in endless strings of thoughts. he doesn't know how to fully comprehend the situation he is in right now. when minhyuk finds scars and bruises on him it is certainly different then when someone else, like kihyun, finds them. maybe it is because he is the first outsider (someone other than his brother and parents) who had actually confronted him about it. and it's also perhaps how embarrassed changkyun actually feel as of now. 

he can't bring himself to look at the older in his eyes, not when he feels bare of his own silent suffering right in front of him. he feels open, almost exposed naked as of now since kihyun already knows that all these while changkyun had been lying straight to his face whenever he asked about his limping strides or blue-black contusions that he had failed to conceal. 

"you know, i've seen your bruises before—not the whole thing, just when they get accidentally exposed." kihyun finally speaks, trying to take the thick silence away between the both of them. changkyun sighs out loud to that, gaze slowing dropping to the white-tiled floor now.

"you're supposed to pretend like you didn't notice them even if you did."

"changkyun, this is something i can't just pretend not to know."

"i want you to pretend like none of this ever happened, hyung."

"no, you need to talk about it—about this. whatever that's happening to you, it's wrong!"

"but what if i don't want to, hyung?" changkyun counters. and suddenly it's like an abrupt realization that had struck the younger since he moves away, standing further away from the older's hold.

"is—is that why you chose to befriend me because you saw my bruises? because you pitied me? is that it?"

"of course not!"

"then why are you here, hyung? why did you agree to be my friend? why—why are you nice to me?" the doubt in changkhyun's mind only seems to grow, telling him that it really was too good to be true that someone like _yoo kihyun_ would want to be anywhere near a pathetic soul like _im changkyun._ changkyun knew he should've questioned more when kihyun had instantly accepted his friendship instead of going home that day with his huge smile on his face, too caught up in that euphoric moment. 

"do you ask your other friends stupid questions like this? besides, where the fuck were there when these bruises happened, huh?" 

" _friends_..." 

the term rolls off with such a sour aftertaste on the tip of the younger's tongue. it's a common word yet seldom ever used by the younger. he can't even say that his life consisted of such a word.

"i don't know what's wrong with me..." changkyun whispers sadly. kihyun caught on to every single word that dripped off his tongue and his heart sinks at that.

"changkyun there's—why would you think something is wrong with you?"

"because nobody likes me," he straight out answers since there isn't anything more to sugar coat about that fact. kihyun already knows about the bullying, what's the point of hiding another pathetic side of his life?

"changkyun that's not—"

"i don't have friends, hyung. don't you get it? everybody hates me and i don't know why!" changkyun snaps at him. 

"i don't hate you, changk—" changkyun chuckles bitterly at the words being uttered by the older male. its almost as though the kihyun he had met the first few times had been a complete stranger that the older male himself didn't seem to recognize, or even remember. 

"you hate me too, hyung," changkyun tells him with a sad smile. kihyun can only look at him, unable to answer because he doesn't know what to say. 

"c—can you tell me why? did i—did i do something wrong the first time?" he whispers out. kihyun just stays silent with his eyes dropping to the floor, too shameful to even look at those innocent brown orbs that are begging for an answer. 

"please hyung, nobody will tell me why not even minhyuk and shownu hyung. can you at least tell me what's wrong with me? i want to change for the better." 

kihyun wheels himself closer to hold both of the younger's hands in his. "changkyun..." he sighs. "changkyun, you don't have to change. there is nothing wrong with you."

"liar!" the younger yells. 

"changkyun, i'm not lying," kihyun presses.

"you said you're my friend!"

"i am!"

"then why can't you be honest with me, hyung? why can't you tell me? i won't be mad, i promise."

"i have been nothing but honest with you."

"then—then why can't you tell me why you hate me? is it—is it my face? it is the way i talk? i'm sorry if i stutter too much, it's just—it's that i can't help when i'm nervous. i know how annoying my stutters are maybe that's why people at school hate me too... but other than—"

kihyun immediately pulls the younger down onto his lap to stop his rambling. at this point, changkyun already has thick tears brimming in his eyes with some loosely hanging on his lashes. the mere sight of his broken features breaks kihyun's heart and he knows it's his fault as well. he hates himself for how his stupid insensitive actions before had affected the younger so much and he didn't know... not until now.

he wraps his arms around the slightly trembling boy in his lap and hugs him close to his chest. changkyun stiffens in his arms, sniffling occasionally but never did he wrap his own arms around kihyun like he usually would. 

"i hated you because i'm a dickhead," kihyun tells him softly against the younger's neck. 

kihyun notices how changkyun's breathing is slowly becoming heavier and so he leans back to see that his tears had fallen and they only seem to stream down endlessly as they stare unsurely at kihyun. kihyun sighs sadly as he brings the pad of his thumb over the younger's cheeks, gently wiping off the fallen tears only to be replaced with new ones seconds later. 

"i don't hate you changkyun. i—god, i don't even understand what's there to hate about you!"

"i—i just want t—to know what's wrong with me. why won't anyone tell me?" changkyun stutters in sheer hopelessness, voice barely holding any sense of optimism anymore. he almost doesn't recognize this broken boy in his arms. how could kihyun be so easily fooled by his sweet smile and care-free antics? it truly baffles him how one bright smile manages to hide such a broken soul.

"changkyunnie, look at me, please." kihyun says. changkyun sniffles a few times before lifting his bloodshot gaze to those of the older's. "do you believe me?" changkyun hesitates before he shrugs.

"i'm so sorry for the way i acted before. i'm a fucking dickhead who is insensitive about other's feelings but my own. i don't hate you—those dicks at your school may hate you, but i don't, i promise you. not even my friends hate you, changkyunnie."

"they—they d—don't?" kihyun gives him a small smile and shakes his head. 

"they adore you."

"a—adore m—no... why?" changkyun questions skeptically with a frown. this can't be right. his schoolmates always yelled out all the things that are wrong about him from the top of his head down to his toes, his teachers barely listen to him because of his nervous-wreck of a stutter and his parents can barely stand the sight of him. so kihyun's friends adoring him is something not possible at all; at least to changkyun it seemed impossible.

"i wouldn't lie about something like this." changkyun mouth gapes open then closes and he frowns deeper, unable to respond properly. 

was he supposed to say ' _thank you'_? was he suppose to be happy? was it a little too good to be true? all these confused the younger even more. 

kihyun carefully brings changkyun's head to rest right on his chest where he doesn't object at all. this time changkyun responds by further curling himself in the older's arms where it is warm and _safe_. 

"nothing is wrong with you, changkyun." the younger doesn't answer but snuggles closer for comfort. "what are you thinking?"

"i—i don't know what to say..." changkyun mutters which isn't a lie. he is so beyond confused. naturally, he should be happy. he thought he would be ecstatic with when someone someday would tell him that nothing was really wrong with him; but he isn't. he isn't anywhere near happy, if anything the boy is even more lost than he first was. 

instead of being happy he is questioning why they liked him. 

how is one suppose to accept the fact that they are liked (or adored even) when they have been told that they were born unlikeable to begin with? it's like changkyun doesn't know how to register the fact that someone genuinely likes him. to him it seems like a cruel joke where he waits for kihyun to tell him that he was joking.

kihyun can sense the light distress from the younger boy and so he stops questioning him. he doesn't understand what's going in his mind, but he knows that changkyun is feeling overwhelmed from the way his fists are tightening on his shirt and his eyes are focusing on nothing in front of them. 

the older tightens his grip around changkyun to comfrot him but the younger seconds later whimpers in pain when kihyun presses against his beaten body a little too hard. he had completely forgotten to ask the younger if he had any other wounds or bruises besides the ones he could see on his face. kihyun immediately loosens his hold and looks down at the younger with concern.

"hurts..." changkyun croaks with his eyes closing slightly yet he still leans in as much as his weakened state allows him. he seeks for warmth and comfort and he finds them in kihyun's embrace; the security he had been longing for this whole time. kihyun can feel the younger's body relaxing in his lap as he slowly loses consciousness. changkyun was beaten blue-black that his body is shutting down from having tolerated all strains.

kihyun holds the younger closer to his body, making sure he doesn't fall when he feels changkyun's body go fully limp in his arms. the older can only sigh sadly as his concern gaze traces the detailed features of his bruises and treated cuts.

"what have they been doing to you..." he whispers to the unconscious boy in his arms.


	33. Chapter 33

kihyun opens his eyes expecting to see a familiar room-he did, but it isn't his. it is changkyun's. the older had to take a moment to fully register that the surrounding he is in isn't somewhere he usually is before he snaps his head up from the pillow and looks around properly. he is indeed in changkyun's room and in changkyun's bed.

he looks down to see changkyun sleeping right next to him, using one of kihyun's arms as a pillow. when the younger feel the warmth beside him disappear he whines and shuffles closer until his head finds kihyun's chest once again then he sighs in content. kihyun watches the younger's small actions with an unconscious smile on his lips. kihyun almost forgets about the incident hours ago when his full focus is centered around how peaceful changkyun looks right now.

he didn't think about staying over at the younger's place longer than intended. after the younger had passed out, kihyun carefully placed him on his bed but as soon as he leaves the younger to rest, he seemed to be in distress from the loss of contact. only when kihyun gets in and hugs the younger to lull him, changkyun calms down and somehow kihyun too fell asleep after that.

he gently turns the younger's head to see his throbbing eyes and his heart sinks once again. he wished it was all a bad dream of some sort but it isn't. changkyun is being bullied and his hunch tells him that there is more to the younger than just his bubbly persona and messed school life. it was the words that the younger had said hours before that really stuck to him, replaying in his mind from time to time whenever he looks at changkyun now.

_'everybody hates me and i don't know why.'_

it seems almost like a joke, some kind of sick lie that someone-or anyone really-would hate on this boy but that's the harsh reality. for some reason people do and kihyun fails to understand why. sure he had hated the boy before, and he might've loathed him at some point as well but all of those were because he was being a mere dick-and he still is one (a trait kihyun has always been known for even before his accident). but he knows his mistakes now and he acknowledges his wrongful attitude. the difference is that people at changkyun's school don't.

he had perhaps missed a huge portion of what happened to changkyun prior to his bullying. if so, it would make so much sense as to why he is being treated the way he is. but for that, he would need to ask changkyun and the older knows it'll be hard considering how hesitant the younger is about such topic.

"changkyun," kihyun calls softly, trying to wake him up. the younger boy hums but kihyun knows he isn't awake at all. "changkyun, wake up," he tries again, carding his fingers through his hair as a gentle means to wake him up. the younger frowns a little and hums another time yet he still doesn't wake up. the older male chuckles lightly at him.

kihyun thinks it's probably dinner time now since it is getting dark outside. he knows his parents might've blown up his phone with messages and phone calls asking about his whereabouts right about now but that isn't his main concern. it takes kihyun a few long minutes to realize that changkyun doesn't live alone and the position they are currently in isn't something he knows minhyuk would be too fond of.

before he can leave the younger's room (or bed), the door opens and both pairs of eyes instinctively meet each other-one holds uncertainty and the other burns with a deep glare.

_fuck._

"oh," minhyuk deadpans when he sees how changkyun is laying in kihyun's arm. kihyun sees his expression and he definitely looks anything but pleased with the situation he sees.

"it's not what you think!" kihyun quickly says but minhyuk just rolls his eyes.

"just wake changkyun up and tell him to freshen up. i prepared dinner for him," minhyuk tells him and leaves without giving kihyun the opportunity to further explain himself. he sighs heavily then looks down at the sleeping boy.

"changkyun," he calls again, but this time he shakes the younger by his shoulder. "changkyun wake up before you put me in much deeper shit," kihyun says, mumbling the last few parts to himself.

kihyun isn't someone who gets easily intimidated by anything however the stance minhyuk has against him seems to send an odd chill down his spine. it isn't that minhyuk and he aren't in good terms, they've only met a few times and that too because of his family; other than that they just knew of each other's existence, labeling each other as _'neighbors'._

"changkyun, minhyuk wants you to wake up."

"five more minutes, minhyuk hyung, please... m' very tired..." the younger mumbles, snuggling closer to kihyun.

"it's _kihyun_ , changkyun. i'm not minhyuk," the older retorts.

the younger's eyes open and when he sees that it really is kihyun he gasps and instantly sits upright and seconds later he clutches his abdomen from the sudden rush of pain. he had completely forgotten about his bruised abdomen. the boy whines in pain, cursing himself mentally for not being careful.

"fuck changkyun, be careful!" kihyun scolds. the older lifts his upper body up to lean in and check on the younger. "you're still wounded. don't be so careless like that."

"h-hyung-you're-here?" changkyun asks in utter shock.

"where does it hurt, changkyun?" the younger doesn't answer as he only stares at the older in front of him. it isn't so much so that he slept next to him, that didn't even register to him yet, but it's the fact that kihyun is _still_ here-he is _still_ his friend and he cares for him despite knowing about his pathetic life (at least a part of it).

"what's wrong, changkyunnie?" kihyun asks gently this time seeing as the younger is in some sort of shock. changkyun never answers him so he sighs another time. "come on, minhyuk wants you to freshen up. he made dinner for you." it takes the younger another minute to fully register what the older had said before he scrambles out of his bed and runs to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

it confused kihyun, to say the least as to why the younger reacted the way he did. he disregards the younger's actions as he slowly moves himself to his wheelchair just beside the bed. after a few struggling minutes, he manages to sit in his wheelchair and wheels himself out of changkyun's room. as suspected his phone is bombarded with missed calls and messages mostly from his parents. he sent a short text to his mother to notify of his existence and ignores the rest.

on his way out he notices minhyuk sitting at the kitchen counter doing his own work in his laptop, completely ignorant of the other's presence.

"changkyun's freshening up now," kihyun tells him as a form of courtesy. minhyuk just nods his head without looking up from his screen. kihyun wheels himself in the kitchen to perhaps gain the other's attention better. "look, we just-"

"what do you want from him?" minhyuk interjects, finally looking at him, brows knitted tightly with hooded eyes scowling right at him.

"i don't-"

"what do you think you'll gain from changkyun by being his friend? do you think changkyun can give you everything that you want?"

this comes as a total shock to kihyun by the questions minhyuk is throwing to him. "excuse me? why would you ask me something like that? you are his brother!"

"and that's why i'm asking," minhyuk answers. "i don't know who you are as a person but from what i saw the first few times by the way you treated changkyun, you are an asshole but now you're nice to him? i don't trust you."

"i'm not asking you to. i'm his friend because i want to be not because i want to gain something from him," kihyun says defensively.

"you're not doing it out of pity then?" minhyuk suddenly asks which kihyun now frowns as well.

"i-no! why would you think that?"

"i know you're not stupid, kihyun so i know you've seen his bruises and his cuts before," minhyuk tells him with a saddened tone. the shorter male notices how minhyuk's expression had faltered when talking about his younger brother's condition.

"i'm going to be honest with you. i don't like you, not even the slightest, but you make changkyun happy and it would be cruel of me to ask you to cut ties with him because i don't want to strip this one good thing from his life. i don't know if he's told you this but you're his first _real_ friend."

"but i thought he has you and that boyfriend of yours?"

"he does but we don't count," minhyuk tells him with a sigh. "we're much older than he is. sometimes it's hard for us to properly interact with him because we're so busy and he-i know he doesn't feel comfortable coming to us if he had a problem so he hides many things from us-from me... he doesn't have anyone who is around the same age group as him. he's been alone for as long as i know until well _you_ happened."

kihyun's heart clenches knowing that changkyun is dealing with all of this alone, even if he has the support of minhyuk and his boyfriend the younger boy still chooses to deal with it all on his own.

"i won't hurt him if that's what you're worried about." _not again._

"just because you tell me that it doesn't mean i'm suddenly reassured. if anything i'm more worried because he has _you_ -he thinks he now has someone who will never leave him or who will never hurt him like the others do."

"that's because i won't," kihyun reassures wholeheartedly. the last thing he could ever want to do right now is to hurt this precious soul who has given him nothing but warmth whenever they are together. it's like changkyun provides this burst of joy that never fails to warm up the cold being kihyun usually is.

"and yet i will always be fucking worried about my baby brother regardless of how well you treat him or what you tell me," he replies pointedly. "i just want you to know that changkyun may put on the brightest smile but deep down inside he's so wounded. he's been through so much-not just in his school and i don't need a dick like you to fuck his life up even more."

everything minhyuk tells him hits kihyun hard. he's seen the bright smile he's talking about and now he feels even horrible for the way he's treated the younger. he hates how he naturally assumed that nothing was wrong in his life just because he had the strength to pull up a smile every time he sees him. he failed to understand that behind those smiles held layers, the more he peels away the deeper the wound would be revealed. he didn't even get a hint of those layers all because he judged changkyun from face value since day one.

"i-i didn't mean to treat him like that before. but i promise-i promise to be a good friend to him," kihyun promises minhyuk. minhyuk still has a skeptical look on his face yet he nods nonetheless. there really isn't much minhyuk can do as of now. he could choose to end their friendship but that would only hurt changkyun and he didn't want that. so, he forcefully accepts this friendship.

minhyuk then grabs a scrap paper and scribbles on it before passing it to him. kihyun looks up at him, confused after reading what he had written.

**_Lee Minhyuk_ **   
**_+82 XX XXXX YYYY_ **

"i know changkyun would never approach me about a serious matter until i find out by myself so if you know anything please tell me. i don't fully trust you but i trust you want what's best for changkyun."

"i do," kihyun immediately answers.

as he scans over the name and the number one more time his eyes makes a double-take on the written name; _lee_ minhyuk. he knows that changkyun's full name is im changkyun, so naturally, he assumed that their family name was _'im'._ now the other pondering question that's buzzing in kihyun's head is why both changkyun and minhyuk have different family names when they're brothers?


	34. Chapter 34

the silence between them is definitely defining, to say the least. kihyun had invited the younger over to help him out with his maths which of course is their usual thing, but the tension seems unusually awkward with little to no words exchanged between them. 

changkyun has his nose buried deep into the paper of daunting math questions while kihyun can't help but stare at the younger boy beside him, more so his eyes occasionally scan over his mostly covered body, trying to get a glimpse of any new scars or bruises.

"hyung..." the younger calls softly, pushing the paper he was doing in front of him. kihyun snaps out of his daze and focuses on the boy who looks confusedly at him. "i don't get question five."

"changkyun," kihyun sighs. he hates this thick tension between them. it is just not _them_ ; not the 'them' that they are used to—at least not what kihyun looks forward to almost every day.

"i tried the formula but i—"

"you know i didn't call you here to be _this_ silent" kihyun cuts him off.

"i—i'm asking a—a question, hyung. i don't know w—what you're talking about."

"you know what i mean, changkyun. don't act dumb." 

unfortunately, the younger boy does know what kihyun was talking about yet he wanted to not talk about it. he does notice the tension, it hard not to, but he hopes that things would go back to normal between them despite kihyun knowing about the bullying. when he had hoped for a friend he had never wanted anyone to know. he just wanted a friend, someone who would look past this issue and not confront him about it. 

changkyun wanted a companion, not a savior. 

"oh," changkyun replies—it's the only thing he can reply.

"seriously, changkyun? is that all you have to say?" the younger boy shrugs with a loud sigh.

"there isn't anything much to say. you know i'm getting bullied, so what?"

"stop saying that!" kihyun suddenly snaps, causing changkyun to jump in his seat, looking at kihyun with timid eyes. he didn't intend to upset the older male.

"h—hyung—?"

"stop making it sound like your issues aren't that important, changkyun."

"then why do you always act like yours isn't too, hyung?" changkyun counters this time, raising his voice a little as he tries to make his own point. kihyun's beady eyes scowl right at the boy.

"excuse me?"

"you're going through your struggles too, i've seen it so many times yet every time i bring it up you ask me to _'shut up'_ and tell me it's none of my business. i don't understand, hyung. if you don't want to talk about your problems why are you getting pissed because i don't want to talk about mine as well?"

"my problems aren't as serious as yours, changkyun. why don't you understand that?" kihyun asks, raising his voice as well. he knows he has no right to force the younger to talk about it but it's irking him how changkyun is so relaxed about it when kihyun has been worked up the past few days wondering how he could help.

"why would you trivialize your problems like that, hyung? they matter too even if they are small."

"i can assure you that bullying is a fucking huge problem—much bigger than mine is. get that into your thick head, changkyun. stop acting like a stubborn child," kihyun says as he bangs his fist hard on the table.

"stubborn~" changkyun repeats the words then snickers bitterly. "if i'm stubborn then you're a hypocrite, hyung."

"real fucking mature of you," kihyun retorts with an eye roll. 

changkyun feels hurt. he didn't understand why kihyun didn't want to let it go. why would he be so desperate about handling this matter when changkyun himself doesn't mind dealing with the bullying. as he said, _he didn't mind going through it as long as it doesn't kill him._

the younger sucks it all up to himself as he starts packing the papers and his stationaries into his backpack.

"where are you going?" kihyun asks tightly, watching the boy keeping his things hastily.

"i'm leaving. i don't see the point of staying," the younger answers.

"see, real mature of you to walk away from every single problem in your life."

kihyun moves his wheelchair back to let the younger walk out the door. changkyun picks his bag up and walks out of kihyun's room without looking back and without saying a single word after that. 

changkyun is tired, not just physically but mentally as well. he is so drained that he really didn't feel like putting up a fake front now and pretends like kihyun's words didn't affect him at all because it really did. 

is it wrong to want to walk away simply because you just have no strength to face it anymore? 

once the younger left, kihyun slams his fist one more time on the table and groans with utter frustration. ever since he found out he wanted to help, he wanted to do everything he possibly could to help and comfort the younger yet here changkyun was barely opening his mouth about this. how was he supposed to do that when the younger boy refuses to cooperate?

minutes later, kihyun wheels himself out of his room to see if changkyun had really left only to be greeted by his mother standing at the hallways to kihyun's room. kihyun did notice the disappointed look inscribed in his mother's face; it is an expression he knew all too well because he's seen it one too many times with him. kihyun frowns at his mother and raise a brow with his arms crossed against his chest.

"what?" he snarks.

"changkyun seemed upset when he left," his mother tells him, nudging towards the door where the younger had just left.

"were you eavesdropping on us?"

"to be fair you both weren't exactly quiet in there," his mother replies. "i don't want to interfere in this—"

"—but you're going to either way," kihyun interjects with an obvious eye roll, knowing his mother and her nosy-antic.

"i wouldn't if i didn't think it was necessary," his mother says defensively. "you were a little harsh on him—okay, maybe a little more than harsh."

"i fucked up, i know." his mother immediately gives him a pointed look at the foul word used in front of her. "sorry, sorry. ' _watch my language',_ "kihyun air quotes sarcastically thinking it is pointless to hide the fact that he curses when it has been pretty obvious that he does so on a daily basis.

"he isn't wrong about you being a hypocrite," his mother adds.

"mom!"

"kihyun, if you can ask him to _shut up_ whenever he asks about your problems, you have no right to force him to talk about his."

"but mom he's being bullied—"

"and i understand that it is a serious matter. i'm not telling you to fully neglect this problem, but i want you to understand where he's coming from," his mother tries to explain to him. "he seems to be experiencing some kind of trauma, kihyun-ah. i presume there's more going on in his life besides the bullying."

"what—what do you mean?" kihyun asks hesitantly.

"he's very wary of people's touch— especially adults. i've seen it many times when he's around me and your father. he's jumpy and extremely nervous around us. he's sometimes that way with your friends too if you pay close attention."

"he seems okay with his brother and his boyfriend..."

"that could be because they must've been there for him at his worst and therefore he trusts them enough to know that they won't hurt him. now, if you're talking about _us_ and your friends, he barely knows any of us so it's natural for him to be defensive around us."

"but—but he seems alright with me now..." his mother gives him a soft smile while she gently pats his hair in reassurance.

"that means he trusts you, kihyun-ah," his mother tells him. "but that doesn't mean you have his full trust. one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to share his problems could be because he had been dealing with it all alone for so long that the thought of sharing it with someone seems so unnatural for him."

"i messed it up, mom. i don't think he'll trust me after this," kihyun tells her dejectedly as he thinks back to just a while ago where the younger walked out on him. it did surprise him now when he really thinks about it because it's the first time changkyun actually acted on his true emotions without masking it with a smile.

"i don't think so," his mom enlightens. "trust me, he must be overwhelmed from the day you found out about the bullying. it isn't something people want to parade about so i imagine he's still trying to process the situation properly."

"what do i do then, mom? i don't want to leave it just like that. i—i want to help him."

"talk to him."

"that didn't go well the last time."

"that wasn't exactly talking, kihyun-ah. you were mostly pressuring him to tell you. this time you should listen, _talk_ to him, and if he still isn't ready to tell you then it's okay. someday when he learns to fully trust you he will let you in. he just needs time from everything."

 _time_. kihyun is a rather impatient guy, but maybe now for changkyun's sake, he will try to be patient. he will take his time to continue and gain changkyun's trust if that is what it takes to help him.


	35. Chapter 35

kihyun had tried contacting changkyun multiple times over the past few days but all he gets is a double blue tick indicating a read message. he had even tried calling only for the younger to decline every single one of them. he knew he had the option to go over on his own and confront the younger but he can't seem to bring himself to do so. it could be his nerves or it could simply be his own shame. he lets his mother's words sink in properly and he cannot be any more ashamed for being yet again ignorant about the younger boy.

of course, he had noticed the way changkyun was so withdrawn with someone touching him (strangers especially). he did see how he stood a good distance away from him and his friends the very first few times they met and he had also noticed how he would unconsciously flinch at someone's extreme actions even if they weren't directed at him. and of course he had realized how bad changkyun stutters whenever he gets really nervous and that too only around his parents and other adults (not so much around him and his friends anymore).

it's been three days and kihyun tells himself to suck it up and apologize to the younger since every other form of communication with him is either ignored or declined. it is saturday morning right after breakfast that kihyun decides to go over. kihyun isn't usually one to be nervous, heck he normally wouldn't even apologize for most of the things he did since he usually gets away with the status of being the "arrogant dick". but even if he tried to ignore this, there's this lingering discomfort that had settled in his chest and he knows it wouldn't simply just go away as he likes it to.

he wonders all these while what changkyun has been doing to him.

he knocks on the door and within seconds it swings open and he sees minhyuk about to head out as well. 

"hi..." kihyun greets rather awkwardly. 

"oh, i didn't know you were coming," minhyuk tells him truthfully.

"erm yea. this is kind of last-minute... is changkyun home?"

"he's in his room," minhyuk says as he hastily looks at his watch. "listen i'm running late. i prepared breakfast for changkyun and i told him to eat it but please just remind him if he forgets." kihyun just nods his head and with that minhyuk dashes out the door straight into his car.

the shorter male closes the door behind him and he wheels himself to changkyun's room with his heart beating hard against his chest. he's _just_ going to apologize but he doesn't know why he is _this_ nervous. he feels his sweaty palms against the cold metal with his pulse now lightly thumping against the wheels as he gets closer. he had expected to recompose himself right outside of changkyun's closed-door, trying to piece together the right words (as he presumes) to apologize. 

however, when he reaches in front of the younger's room, the said door is wide open. and there's no changkyun. that's when he hears the shower running from the bathroom across from the younger's room. kihyun turns back to look into the younger's room and knows he should wait outside—it's the right thing to do anyway considering he's in a space that isn't his. rightfully he was going to do that—he was going to turn around and wait—until he sees something that immediately piqued his growing curiosity. 

the thing is kihyun knows he's already messed up the first time and he'd think the guilt is enough for him to at least not fuck anything up even more (now). that's where kihyun was wrong. he hadn't taken into consideration his curiosity that had been silent all these while when all it takes is one trigger object to spike it up once again. that very trigger object lays untouched, open for everyone who enters to see.

the grey-tattered book—the same book changkyun was seen writing into before—lays on changkyun's bed.

all thoughts about waiting for the younger has since been forgotten when kihyun's sole focus is now on that book.

logically he knows its wrong. yet subconsciously, curiosity is pulling him closer and closer to what lies within those pages. without realizing, he lets his subconscious take over using curiosity as his guidance to wheel himself into the younger's room towards the bed where the book lays. all his nerves from earlier on about confronting the younger are kept somewhere in the depths of his brain, temporarily forgotten for the moment. every fiber within him screams to take and flip through the pages while there's still this buzz at the back of his head that tells him this is wrong. 

kihyun chooses to ignore that buzz instead.

if he's quick, changkyun wouldn't even know that kihyun was even in here in the first place.

he picks the book up with his itching fingers and starts reading whatever page it was open on. and what he reads isn't what he thought would be written in this mere grey-tattered book. it's obvious that this book was used a whole lot and the fact that kihyun could make out dried tears stain in multiple pages with a few smudging the ink, it truly did break kihyun's heart. 

every word, every sentence constructed almost feels like a needle to his own heart. the way the younger describes his true feelings and all that he's been going through alone makes kihyun sick. he's angry at himself for hating on that poor boy in the first place. he hates how he had let one simple smile make the judgment of the entirety of who changkyun really is as a person. no doubt the boy is a pill of happiness to some people, but kihyun would've never once guessed that this very pill of happiness would taste anything but sweet. 

it's almost like the pill itself is appealing to the eyes (just the mere sight can make anyone happy) yet it has a bitter taste. that is changkyun. 

it only takes kihyun a few pages to notice something isn't exactly right with the journal entries he was writing. most of the younger's entries were directed to changkyun himself, pouring the very depths of the younger's murky soul into the white blank pages. but he had also come across a few pages where the entries were directed specifically to minhyuk, shownu, and even his own parents. 

then after flipping a few more pages to the back, kihyun finds one entry written a few days ago directed to _him_. his eyes can't help but to immediately scan through the very entry. he reads this one entry that has his name on it thoroughly with every sentence after the next causing his heart to race once again—and it isn't nerves anymore. he hadn't realized that his hands are shaking by the end of it and his tears had actually fallen down his cheeks. 

when kihyun fully absorbs every pained-written words, that's when he realizes that these aren't normal journal entries but they are letters—changkyun's suicide letters.


	36. Chapter 36

changkyun didn't expect anyone to be in his room because realistically no one visits him; if shownu were to come by then it would be for minhyuk. for as long as he could remember no one has really specifically come to his house just for _him_ —except for kihyun (and maybe the older's friends) but he too didn't expect to see the older in these next few days after their heated conversation a few days ago. so to say that the younger is shocked is an understatement. 

"what are you doing here, hyung?" changkyun asks with widened eyes. the older male snaps his head around, dropping the tattered-grey book onto his lap. changkyun's eyes instinctively go to the object on the older's lap and he gasps out loud. the younger immediately runs and snatches the book away from kihyun, hugging it close to his chest as he feels his chest becoming heavy with anxiety.

kihyun had read his thoughts—his darkest private thoughts—and he had also seen all the letters which weren't intended to be read by anyone _yet_. he feels exposed, stripped bare of his own privacy now that kihyun had read through every page in this book; the one book where changkyun thought he could find some sort of release.

he was wrong.

"why would you go through my private things, hyung!" changkyun yells, face red and eyes glossy on the verge of crying.

"what the fuck was that?" kihyun scowls. 

the older male hadn't intended to make it sound harsh or angry in any way. he is simply scared. he is so scared after reading the letter written _for_ him. and kihyun didn't know how else to approach the younger. naturally, he should first and foremost apologize for even invading the younger's privacy but he's too consumed with his own emotions to care about his ethics now.

"that's none of your business."

"why did you write that, huh? what the fuck is wrong with you!" the younger's gaze drops and he stays silent with the book pressed tightly against his chest. and the silence given by the younger only infuriates kihyun even more. "fuck changkyun say something! why—why would you write those things?" kihyun now asks, voice getting shaky. 

changkyun sighs heavily. "you know everything now, hyung. i don't think i need to explain myself anymore," he answers simply. what scares kihyun is the fact that changkyun sounded so fucking calm while saying those words—almost like he had positively made up his mind about everything and there isn't any room for negotiation.

"you think minhyuk will let this go if he finds out? you know he fucking cares for you a shit lot, changkyun."

"minhyuk hyung won't always be with me, hyung," changkyun tells him the sad truth. "sure, i have him now and i'm still here because of him, but there's nothing more to really live for once minhyuk hyung gets married to shownu hyung."

"what makes you think minhyuk would just forget about you after his marriage?"

"he can't baby me forever now, can he? once he starts his family i will only be a distraction—an additional burden to him like i am to everyone else. i don't want him to have to put off the idea of growing a family just because his unstable little brother needs care and affection twenty-four-seven!"

"changkyun there's—this is not the way to solve your problems."

"maybe..." the younger sighs once again. "but it'll solve everyone else's problems. everybody hates me. what's the use of me being here anyways? it's not like i'll be missed or something. i'm not worth anything to be staying around."

the answer seems to anger kihyun even more as his grip on both his wheels tighten causing an increasing pain in his palms but he didn't care. 

"what about me then? am i a fucking ghost?" kihyun retorts angrily.

"please understand, hyung, i—i don't trust you," changkyun admits softly and this completely shocks kihyun.

"maybe—maybe we are friends but—but how can i really trust you? i know you said you don't hate me but—i—i can't trust people, not after everything. so, i can't trust you especially not after what you did, hyung. you invaded my privacy—thoughts that were only meant for me you, read them all. if i—if i wanted someone to know them i wouldn't have written them and kept it for myself," changkyun explains with tears now running down his face. 

he is hurt—fuck, he is beyond that. he really thought kihyun had at least respected him enough as a mere human being to give him the privacy he deserved. since people at school already treated him anything less than a human being he thought he could trust kihyun to do the opposite since it had seemed like the older genuinely wanted to be his friend. perhaps that was changkyun's fault for assuming the good in people—and to think that someone would actually treat him the way he wants to be treated.

"changkyun, please," kihyun begs now, desperate for the younger to hear his sincere words. he knows he had fucked up way much more than before and he knows it'll take more than _'i'm sorry'_ (s) to forgive him but he'll do anything to get that trust back even if it is an ounce.

"please—let's talk about this."

"i don't want to," the younger snaps. "just please leave, hyung."

"no!"

the younger's broken demeanor finally lifts up to meet those of the older's remorseful one, bloodshot eyes painfully pleading him to leave him alone. kihyun instantly regrets ever opening the book he knew he should've just left alone. changkyun lets out a few hiccups as he tries to suppress his sobs.

"leave! i don't want you here."

"changkyun, i'm—"

"get. out."

"please changkyun, rea—"

"i said get out!" the boy finally screams with his face full-on red and a few arrays of coughs come along. kihyun jumps in his wheelchair, completely taken aback by his outburst. "get out! get out, _kihyun_! just get out!"

changkyun falls onto the floor, sobbing out loud as he clutches the books tightly in his hands, ripping some pages as well. every single word that he had written in this tattered-grey book now seems meaningless knowing that it isn't completely his now. 

changkyun cries so painfully that kihyun himself starts tearing up. he did this to the younger boy and god does he hate himself even more now. he wants to go over, crouch down and engulf the boy into a hug despite knowing that he'll get pushed away still, he _wanted_ to try—he _wanted_ to do that. but he can't. he couldn't get off this godforsaken wheelchair and comfort the crying boy. all kihyun do as of now is say, _"i'm so sorry, changkyun"_ before he leaves the boy completely alone who's still sobbing his heart out on the floor.

as he leaves the younger's house only one thing keeps running through his mind and it is a thought he had never had since the accident. for the first time in years, kihyun had contemplated on the idea of whether he should give physiotherapy a try. all he wanted was to stand up and hug changkyun so tight that the younger never feels alone again and kihyun thought how different today would've been if he could just _walk_.


	37. ⚠

**Kihyun:** changkyun i'm so sorry

 **Kihyun:** can i come over please?

 **Changkyun:** not now hyung

 **Kihyun:** changkyun i want to apologise

 **Kihyun:** please i really am sorry

 **Changkyun:** i don't want to see you hyung

kihyun sighs out another time. he has tried many days to get the younger boy to meet him or to just see him for a moment to really apologize. but every effort he's ever tried goes down the drain in vain with rejections upon rejections. 

kihyun can't blame changkyun for not wanting to meet him. hell, if he was in changkyun's place the older male would've been even harsher than how changkyun is treating him now. he knows that the boy is soft and that he has a fragile heart and without knowing how easily he could fall apart from just a small crack. and all it took was kihyun to create a small crack, a fair hairline fracture for the younger to break. 

kihyun's hurt him and its one of the few things he life that he actually regrets doing. 

he is stuck. he doesn't know where to go from here. he's tried calling, texting, and heck he even knocked on the younger's door several times only for all to be ignored. he deserved it, he knows it, and yet he can't help but feel frustrated by it all. 

"are you up for the game tomorrow?" wonho asks once he had reached kihyun's house. the smaller male jumps a little as he's brought back out of his thoughts and looks out the window on his side to realize that he has reached home. 

"i'm sorry—what?"

"the football game," hyungwon repeats. "you're coming with us, right? jooheon's playing tomorrow." kihyun pauses for a moment to wreck his brain, trying to push aside the thoughts of changkyun for a moment and trying to retrieve the exact shit wonho and hyungwon are talking about.

"football game—owh! yes, yes, i'll be coming," kihyun finally confirms with a dry chuckle. "you'll pick me up, right?"

"either one of us will," wonho tells him, indicating either him or hyungwon will do it. kihyun nods then bids his goodbye to his two friends. 

once on the curb near his house his natural instinct is to stop for a moment and to look over at the younger's house. he knows that changkyun should be home by now and so he takes his chance one more time to see him. kihyun wheels himself to the younger's front door and for some reason, his own heart rate escalates as the distance closes by faster and faster until his fist meets the wooden door.

he knocks the first time and waits. nothing

he tries again; another round of knocks. nothing.

he knows not to get his hopes up and yet he is left with disappointment from the lack of response. 

kihyun then decides to go over to the park. it was usually a normal thing for the male to go by himself alone to the small park and normally he didn't mind the solitary—or the silence, but today, he hates how it is _too_ silent. there's no extra person talking, nobody to entertain him with random facts and nobody to make his heart feel warm. 

it's cold—to say the least—and he can't understand how he used to like this feeling.

he aimlessly wheels himself around the park, watching the few kids running around the near the playground area. he thought to maybe watch them for a while before moving along to the deeper part of the park where it is quieter. 

and that's what he did. 

but he had not expected to find the familiar younger boy there as well, sitting on a log with his camera pointing up to the sky. kihyun freezes for a moment, unable to move or to even utter a single word as he just watches the boy right in front of him. the same young boy he tried calling, texting, and even seeing all these while. 

when kihyun really observes the young boy he notices how he had covered himself up with a hoodie—again—and he can't help but think the worst had happened again because logically why would anyone be wearing such thick clothing in this hot weather?

the older scrambles though his mind, thinking hard on how he should even make his presence known. should he apologize? should he say _'hi'_? or should he—

"hyung?"

_fuck._

"hi..." kihyun trails off rather awkwardly. 

the younger abruptly stands up and kihyun sees how changkyun instinctively winces as one of his arms goes over his abdomen, bending forward a little from the throbbing pain.

"are you hurt?" kihyun asks, worriedly, eyes never leaving the boy's suspected wound. 

"it's fine, hyung," changkyun says tightly. he really didn't want to have anything to do with kihyun—at least not now. he knows he might be a little rude for ignoring him all these while when he clearly knows all the older wanted to do is to apologize but truthfully changkyun didn't know how else to deal with the hurt than to run away.

getting betrayed by someone changkyun barely knows certainly hurts a lot different than getting hurt by someone who he thought truly cares. it hurts so much more and its the kind of hurt where he feels like he's in a crossroad all alone for a solution because he is just so confused. should he take the path that easily forgives or should he take the path that forgets but never forgives? changkyun feels like he instead just ran towards the easiest, less scary road on this crossroad—the road of running away and avoiding the problem itself.

"it's not fi—" kihyun didn't even get to finish his sentence when the younger just walks away mid-sentence—more so limps away. "changkyun!" kihyun calls for him to come back and this only prompt the younger boy to limp faster but to kihyun's advantage he manages to catch up. the older grabs onto the younger wrist tightly and pulls for him to stop.

"let me go!" changkyun shrieks—almost like he's in pain. 

"please changkyun we need to—"

"hyung—hyung let go! it—it hurts!" changkyun cries now, the tears running down his flushed cheeks from the burn in his wrist. changkyun knew he shouldn't have been so hasty when wrapping the remaining bandage on the fresh cuts but he had planned to go to the pharmacy after his short visit to the park. he however had not planned to run into kihyun.

kihyun on the other hand immediately lets the younger's wrist go in sheer fear and his eyes go wide as he watches how the younger boy silently cries while cradling his wrist close to his chest. when kihyun looks down to his hand (the one that held changkyun's wrist) he feels the bile coming up his throat. 

his hand is stained with crimson with blood; changkyun's blood.

there would be no logical explanation for blood to be coming out from his wrist unless there was some kind of wound or cut there. that's when it gets kihyun really thinking, remembering how he had once seen the cuts on changkyun's arm before and now his wrist is bleeding— "oh god!" kihyun breathes out in even more fear as he puts two and two together, understanding what changkyun had done to himself. the younger boy can only whimper as he takes steps back. 

"ch—changkyun—oh god—wh—why?" kihyun chokes out.

"please hyung—just—just leave me a—alone. i want to be—alone," changkyun begs siftly, gaze not daring to meet those of the older's in front of him because he already knows what that gaze will hold and changkyun can't bear to stand the guilt that is already building inside of him.

chnagkyun knows, he doesn't need reminders from other people. he knows how wrong his actions are. he knows that there (might) be better ways to handle things. but none of those alternatives ever made changkyun feel like he's less than anything—anything other than worthless, than a human, a waste of space, a huge fucking mistake. nothing ever made the pain in his chest subside and the lump in his throat go away like when the cold metal meets his skin. 

"i'm so sorry, changkyun," kihyun apologizes with his heartbreaking watching the boy cower away. "i really truly am sorry."

"o—okay. you said what you need to—now—now go, hyung."

"changkyun—"

"you don't have to say anything more, hyung."

"no. i want you to really know how truly sorry i am," kihyun presses. "i'm sorry, it was so wrong of me to do that. i shouldn't have gone through your book like that, but changkyun, i was so worried—"

"just because you're worried doesn't mean you get to go through my private thoughts!" changkyun snaps, finally daring to look up at kihyun although his visions are mostly blurred from tears. "those—those are m—my thoughts, my one thing that no one can invade but i guess i was wrong. nobody will ever respect me enough to let me live a decent life," changkyun mutters the last sentence out more so to himself. kihyun's heart shatters altogether hearing that. 

"do you have anything more to say, hyung?" changkyun asks with his head lowered once again, his eyes trailing along the patterns that his blood had created on his pale skin; he finds a small distraction it in, anything to keep his eyes from looking at kihyun. 

kihyun opens his mouth but closes it seconds later. he can't phantom words properly at the moment. what can he really say to fix the damage he had done? in the end, he can only shake his head inaudibly. changkyun doesn't say anything after that as well. the younger boy just walks away without a single glance or last words. 

kihyun sees it now, the layers are gradually peeling off changkyun, revealing the true collateral damages that have kept hidden behind those walls of smiles. he is witnessing first-hand of how the younger boy is slowly crumbling from inside out and he is scared, scared of what might become of changkyun in the end if nothing is changed or stopped.


	38. Chapter 38

a scrunched up tissue hits kihyun right on his left cheek which causes the male to jump in his wheelchair before his beady eyes scowl right at his dimpled-friend in front of him.

"you've been so out of it these past few days," jooheon tells him whilst shaking his head. he then moves forward at the isle they are at, continuing to scan the shelves thoroughly.

"you know you've been staring at literally nothing the whole time we've been here," hyungwon says now, eyeing his friend curiously next to him. "i even asked you a question—trice!" hyungwon complains, holding three bony fingers right up close kihyun's face.

"something's bothering you, kihyun?" wonho asks. the said male just sighs before shaking his head, telling them _'no'_. kihyun clearly knows what's been occupying his thoughts, especially these past few days after that not-so-friendly confrontation with changkyun but of course, he isn't going to tell them that. 

"i've just been thinking," he mutters.

"when have you ever _not_ been thinking," hyungwon says with an eye roll before walking to jooheon at the end of the aisle where he had already picked out a thick book. his dimpled-friend notices the taller's presence then shoves the book in front of him, starting a mild conversation about it.

"what crawled up his ass?" kihyun retorts.

"he's just stressed about the assignment," wonho dismisses. " come on, let's go over this side. hyungwon needs a few more economics book for his assignment," wonho beckons to him, pointing to the other side of the aisle. 

kihyun nods and they head over to the intended aisle, just a few rows away from jooheon and hyungwon. kihyun starts scouring the lowers parts of the shelves while wonho covers the upper parts.

the silence between them isn't technically an odd thing considering they are in the university's library but the fact that the shorter male had yet opened his mouth to converse about something random did strike wonho a little differently. he knew his friend a little too well to understand that something really is bothering him which isn't natural to say the least. 

"are you planning to tell me what's been bothering you these whole time?" wonho finally questions. the shorter male stops looking and gazes up to his friend. he knows he can't hide things from wonho, that man is observant (sometimes a little too observant for kihyun's liking). 

"it's changkyun..." kihyun sighs out, knowing there's no point lying about this since wonho knows the partial truth already.

"so you _did_ confront him?" wonho asks with a raised brow as his own thoughts are already clicking in odds way from what the shorter male had told him. it didn't add up—not to wonho. 

"yea." and wonho frowns almost immediately.

"oh," wonho deadpans then goes back to look for more books. kihyun frowns now upon that response. he surely had not expected such blunt reaction from wonho especially not after telling kihyun to approach changkyun about his problems first. he figured that the built male would at least want to know some details of how badly he had fucked up. but right now he looks anything but interested.

"that's all you're going to say? just _'oh'_?" kihyun questions tightly.

"what else do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, I expected a much better reaction just an 'oh'."

"well, that's how i genuinely feel about the situation," wonho says defensively. "you confronted him, okay, fine—but honestly i didn't think it would lead you into such deep thoughts like this."

"I don't understand, you told me to confront him," kihyun presses. wonho sighs and gives up looking for more books altogether as of this moment knowing where the conversation is headed. he turns to face his friend with his arms crossed over his chest.

"i told you to approach him about his problems for _him_ —not for _you_."

"what are you shitting about now?" kihyun snaps unintentionally loud earning a harsh shush from the librarian somewhere up front. kihyun just rolls his eyes completely disregarding the warning and keeps his glare strong on the male in front of him.

"you're a dick," wonho simply puts it. this makes kihyun snicker bitterly. it's not like he didn't already know that. that is his proud reputation in school anyways. 

"tell me something i don't know."

"you care for that boy a little too much," wonho counters truthfully. 

"and that's a problem because?"

"you're not a nice person, kihyun. you know this—everyone knows this," wonho tells him without wavering the slightest. his stance is strong and his voice doesn't carry a single tone of hesitation because he knows the extent of this truth that lies behind this one statement. 

"that doesn't mean i can't care for people."

"you only ever genuinely care about us—your friends and your parents—but when it comes to other people you are only 'nice' to them because you want to gain something out of them. i'm sure you know this about yourself. i've known you long enough to know that when you think this hard about something it's usually you wanting to know what you can gain from a situation." 

kihyun stays silent, lips lined tightly as he waits for what more his friend has to say about his rotting personality. and kihyun will be honest, he wouldn't deny anything wonho is saying at this moment because he can't—wonho's stating facts.

"i asked you to approach changkyun because he is most comfortable with you and naturally knowing you, i assumed whatever it is that might be going on with changkyun wouldn't faze you. you know, maybe you would tell his brother about it or advice the boy to get help because that's who you are and that's the most you would do even for someone you're pretending to care for."

"that—that's not true," kihyun says softly, refusing to believe that his selfish self would have such silent deceitful intentions towards the younger. he mostly wants to believe that he really does care for changkyun. 

"you haven't changed, kihyun. i'm sorry but if anything you've just gotten worst after your accident. you don't give a shit about people's actual problems unless they are about you or one of us and that's a fact. so I'm asking you now, are you doing this for _him_ or for _yourself_?"

kihyun can't answer him because he truly doesn't know—not anymore. 

he is a horrible person and personally he does not believe that his horrible personality would just go away one day because of some boy. kihyun is still selfish. kihyun is still stubborn. and kihyun is still very much a dickhead.

he will admit, moments spent with the younger boy did brighten up his days. it's almost like he craves for that small sense of warmth emitting from him just from his mere presence. and kihyun could sense the coldness as soon as things slowly start to fall apart from the moment he asked about the bruises. he felt the coldness thickening around him the more he's caught in moments with changkyun because the boy isn't shining anymore. he's dimmed out. and kihyun missed him—or rather he missed the warmth...

so when he really looks at it that way, he wonders now to himself; did his selfish greed push him all these while to chase for that warmth once again? did he only want changkyun to be better so that he can feel that same comforting warmth emitting from the younger himself?

or did he genuinely care about the boy? because if kihyun really does care for changkyun as he thinks he does, feeling the warmth shouldn't matter—it's the overall wellbeing of the younger that should matter despite how cold it feels sometimes to be with him.


	39. Chapter 39

his heart is beating painfully hard against his chest when the counselor had called changkyun out of his classroom to go into the principal's office. the one time changkyun had ever been there was when he had made the complaint of being bullied a few years ago—and that didn't turn out all that well. 

changkyun had heard about the counselors and even the teacher's advising students to go to any of the teachers if they were ever bullied; they also emphasized on the point of not keeping such serious matter silent. and changkyun being the naive, good boy, he keeps it all to heart, remembering to use this to his advantage when he ever needs to. but the younger boy had not expected to use this advice so soon when he started school.

they tell you that you can tell someone about the bullying and then they will help you—that's what changkyun wanted, help out of the bullying. but what they had failed to mention was that _parents_ would be involved and unfortunately the last thing changkyun ever wants is to involve his parents into anything of the younger's life. they already didn't like him—it's is blatantly obvious—and so changkyun avoided many times to do anything that involves his parents.

to put it bluntly, changkyun's parents weren't the least bit happy about being called to school that day and it wasn't even the fact that their son was getting bullied but it was because they were called out of work for some 'teasing' that their son is going through. his mother scolded him for making a mountain out of a molehill and his father whipped him with his belt to 'man him up'—whatever the fuck that means anyway. ever since that day, changkyun knows better than to open his mouth and ask for help especially if it means getting his parents involved. 

changkyun tries to think back to the past days—weeks even—if he had done anything remotely bad to upset anyone of his teachers. honestly, nothing comes into the younger's mind. the boy is mostly quiet in school unless when asked to talk, he avoided talking to people (more so people avoided talking to him) and he always keeps to himself because he didn't have anyone to begin with. 

so why would he be called to the principal's office anyway?

the younger's clammy hands knock on the wooden door that has the principal's name written boldly on a wooden plaque. seconds later he hears a muffled _'come in'_ and the younger inhales sharply before entering.

he almost immediately freezes at the foot of the door when he sees his parents sitting right across from the principal, two pairs of hooded eyes glaring sharply at the boy and changkyun's head instinctively falls from their hateful gaze. this is one of those moments where actions speak louder than words. if one were to look into his parents' eyes they would see nothing but red rage burning holes at their youngest son's head.

"good afternoon, changkyun. have a seat, please," the principal obviously greets. she simply chooses to dismiss the hard scowl etched to changkyun's parents' faces from the moment they walked in and she clearly disregards how thick the atmosphere of the room has gotten since the younger boy's presence. the tension is uneasily obvious that it makes changkyun nervously fiddle with the sleeves of his jacket out of sheer restlessness and anxiety.

"this so so embarrassing, changkyun," his mother tells him—the first thing his mother says to him after months of not seeing him. the younger boy's heart undoubtedly breaks but what more can he do than to just dumbly stand there.

"now, mrs im, let's let changkyun sit down first," the principal intervenes. "come on, changkyun," she beckons to the seat right next to his father. changkyun hesitates for a good few seconds before he forces himself to drag his feet to the beckoned chair and settles on it stiffly. his gaze remains on the floor, sometimes occasionally roaming on his torn shoes but other times he tries to distract his anxiety-stricken heart with the random patterns on the white marbled-floor. 

that only lasts so long before he gets called out of his own daze.

"i called you here today because i have some concerns about your grades, changkyun," the principal enlightens. changkyun lifts his eyes to look at the middle-aged lady but doesn't say anything—in fact, he doesn't give any reactions at all. 

"so unbelievable," mr im snaps this time causing the younger to flinch a little. he throws another glare at his pathetic excuse of a son next to him. changkyun instinctively moves his body closer to the other side of the seat with his knuckles slowly turning white from how hard he's gripping his sleeves.

"don't worry, mr im, there is still a chance for changkyun to graduate at the end of the year if he does enough extra credits." this cause mr im to scoff out loud then laugh bitterly at the suggestion given.

" _extra credits,_ " he splutters those words out sourly. "so useless," his father mumbles and changkyun hears it, breaking his heart even more with the tears now slowly burning the back of his eyes. but he can't cry—not now, not in front of his parents. 

"i really don't care at this point. it's obvious that this boy has given up on his studies—spending his time on useless photography. we've told him many times to study like minhyuk and not waste his time on looking at stupid stars but he's just stubborn," his father says with a thick disapproving tone. it's obvious that changkyun's father had given up on him and words didn't need to be said about his mother because she feels the same as well. 

changkyun bites his lip hard, trying his best to keep the tears in as he silently listens to his father insults the very few things that actually make him happy in life. 

changkyun wouldn't lie; yes, his father did tell him multiple times to study hard like minhyuk—and he does listen for the most parts. but what his parents had failed to understand that it isn't always physically (and mentally) possible for changkyun to keep a steady pace in studying like his older brother could. they never take into account the younger' mental health and how much it affects his actual progress in studying. 

some people will say that it's just in _your_ head, or that _your_ just weak because you can't control _your_ emotions. but that's not true, its not the case at all. they don't understand because they don't go through the same battles others are going through—or they simply don't understand because they don't believe that mental illness is a normal thing and that it does _not_ only happen in sick people. these people are ignorant. and instead of helping they taunt those around them who are suffering, belittling them, making them feel like something is truly wrong with them for being the way they are.

changkyun's parents made him believe that something is truly wrong with himself because he couldn't—no matter how hard he tried—excel the way minhyuk did.

changkyun can't remember how many times he had cried to himself while studying all because his head was screaming at him for forcing himself to study when he knows he couldn't. he also finds himself crying for feeling like such a failure— _why can everyone else understand this concept but he just can't even after reading it over and over again?_ it gets so bad that at one point he would get a mental breakdown when he couldn't answer a simple question. he knows this cycle isn't healthy yet this is all he's known for as long as he's been living with his parents. 

this shows that changkyun tries too (he tries his best to work hard) yet it all goes unbothered because the results don't reflect the hard work changkyun puts into. thus, making it easy for his parents to simply deem him that he is _slacking_.

"do you invite trouble anywhere you go?" his mother straight out sneers when they leave the principal's office. the talk isn't anything eventful. the principal tried to give positive reassurance that changkyun will get his certificate but in the end, it ends with his parents saying _'let him do whatever he wants'_ and they walk out with changkyun obediently following along behind like a lost puppy. 

to be honest, changkyun doesn't even know if he will graduate this year, and truthfully it isn't his concern anymore. if he fails this year than changkyun wouldn't mind just finding a job anywhere to get his life by for a few more years—just a few more years until minhyuk's married. that's how changkyun convinces himself that things will eventually be okay.

"can't you walk any fucking slower?" his father retorts being a good step in front of him and this prompts changkyun to take bigger steps so that he is close enough to his parents' satisfaction. 

"calling us out of our work for something this pointless," his mother rambles, shaking her head while she scrambles into her handbag for the car key. "now i have to reschedule my meeting because of this!"

"i—i'm sorry," the boy mumbles softly with guilt. he knows that it is his fault that his parents had to come here in the first place. his mother just rolls her eyes as she continues to search for the key. "i—i pr—promise—"

"keep your empty promises to yourself, changkyun," his father scorns, clearly annoyed with the younger's stutter. he had scolded changkyun so many times about it that at this point he is just fed up with it. 

"fucking useless boy," his father mutters and changkyun hears it—like he always does.

the harder changkyun tries to contain his tears, the more his nose twitches, and the back of his throat hurts. but the boy lets loose a little, allowing two tears to stray from his eyes as they travel down his chubby cheeks silently. the need to sob out loud as hard as his heart is bleeding now is tempting but he knows he can't and so his heart cries silently within as his heart only hurts the more it beats. 

changkyun really did his best.

sure his grades weren't the best, but his maths has exceptionally improved (all thanks to kihyun)—even if it isn't a _credit,_ changkyun still did so much better than he did before. and he was proud of that; until today. he had even scored a high distinction for his literature yet his parents choose to look past his high achievement and improvement to focus on the remaining poorly done subjects. 

changkyun is trying. what he wishes for sometimes is a simple _'I'm proud of you'_ or _'you're doing your best, that's what matters'_ because he knows that these small pushes are more than enough to keep him going; to keep him from giving up.

changkyun is trying, he really is and he wishes that his parents could see that.


	40. Chapter 40

things are off.

it's not the fact that he's having dinner with his family. but it perhaps is the fact that he's having dinner with his family and with minhyuk and _his_ parents. and that's that—minhyuk, mr and mrs im but no changkyun. 

"where's changkyun?" kihyun asks—he just has to with his poking curiosity and burning longing to see the younger boy. when his mother had called him for dinner earlier saying that minhyuk was here with his parents kihyun had to naturally assume that changkyun was here as well because he is their son, he is part of that family, so logically kihyun did not assume wrong.

yet he didn't see changkyun.

so he thought maybe the younger was at the restroom but that suspicion is ruled out when everyone at the table started eating _without_ changkyun. so he has to ask, he just cannot ignore the fact that the younger isn't here even when the back of his mind buzzes that the younger probably didn't show up because the last thing he would want is to see kihyun. he knows how the last meeting ended up yet kihyun wanted to hope that _that_ wasn't the case. 

" _that boy_ ," mr im starts with a bitter aftertaste that _someone_ actually brings up his youngest son's name. kihyun catches how distasteful the man had referred to changkyun and from the gecko, he already doesn't like him. "you know how teenagers are nowadays, he's late out with his friends."

"dad—" minhyuk says but is immediately cut off by his mother who puts her hand on his thigh, telling him to _'shut up'_ by digging her nails into it.

 _"i don't have friends, hyung. don't you get it? everybody hates me and i don't know why!"_ these words start ringing in kihyun's ears.

lies. his father is lying and it is obvious.

things are definitely off.

"i don't think he told me about going out with his friends tonight," kihyun counter with a white lie just to rile the younger's parents up and to see how far they are willing to take this lie.

" _that boy_ thinks the world revolves around him. he does what he likes and we as parents did all we can to shape him up but, tsk, _that boy_ is stubborn," mr im answers. kihyun doesn't know which to get angry at; the fact that changkyun's father is bluntly lying about changkyun being a bad son or that not once did he refer to changkyun by his name and instead address him as 'that boy'.

"children can be such a handful especially teenagers," mrs im pitched in and kihyun rolls his eyes openly.

"tell me about it, we have one of our own," kihyun's dad inputs and both changkyun's parents snickers at.

"well, our minhyukkie was never a handful. always so obedient and—" 

"excuse me," kihyun interrupts purposely to which minhyuk silently thanks because he really hates how his parents would go overboard about him and he has little say on it. everyone at the table looks at kihyun as he bows slightly before moving away from the table. with no one stopping him, he makes his way out the front door. 

he didn't hesitate when he approaches the younger's house and he doesn't knock this time as well, trying his luck by turning the doorknob and he thanks the heavens that it opens. kihyun slowly wheels himself, carefully listening for where the younger boy could be—or if he even is at home now. he soon gets his answer when he hears a scrap against the floor coming from the end of the hallway where he knows changkyun's room is. 

he knocks at the younger's door this time, not wanting to cause another fight between them. seconds later he hears a small _"come in, hyung"_ to which kihyun assumes that the younger think it's minhyuk. 

"did mom and da—kihyun hyung?" changkyun immediately exclaims in sheer shock, sitting up on his bed properly. _out with friends he said_ , kihyun mentally scoffs at mr im's words earlier. "wha—what are you doing here? you should be at dinner."

"i should tell you the same thing. i came to see you because _you_ weren't at dinner." the younger hears this and slowly his head drops.

"oh," is all the younger says before he moves further back until his back hits the bed frame. "i—i wasn't hungry so—so i told them to go without me."

"lies."

"excuse me?"

"first your dad lies about you going out with friends and now you lie about not attending dinner. listen changkyun, i may be a dick but i am not stupid. why weren't you at dinner? did something happen? are you okay?" kihyun questions worriedly as he slowly approaches the side of the bed where the younger sits. but all changkyun gives as a response is silence with his head turned the other way, avoiding the older's gaze which only frustrates kihyun even more.

"don't be fucking silent. changkyun, say something!"

"what do you want me to say, hyung?" changkyun exclaims, unintentionally looking up and kihyun gasps when he sees a faint handprint just above the younger's left temple. changkyun immediately turns around to hide his face—again.

kihyun can feel his heart stop at the horrid sight he just saw. someone clearly had hit him and it was so hard that it left an imprint on his delicate skin. this angers kihyun. it angers him because changkyun does not deserve a single bruise on his body and yet he always gets new once replaced almost every day. 

"who did that?" kihyun asks.

"i deserved it," the younger answers instead. 

"i asked you _who_ did that not _why_ they did it. who is it, changkyun?"

"it—it doesn't matter—"

"changkyun!" the younger jumps, whimpering a little as he cowers in fear. "i—fuck! i didn't mean to yell—just—" kihyun sighs out heavily when all his words seem to get stuck in his throat. "please talk to me. please don't shut yourself up from me like this," kihyun pleads now as he stops right next to the younger. but changkyun still remains silent. 

"what do you want me to do? tell me. do you want me to fucking admit that i miss your company? is that what you want me to do?" changkyun head snaps up instantly with his eyes open wide as he looks at the older male, not caring about the visibility of the bruise anymore. 

"you don't have to forgive me, changkyun but please just talk to m—"

"y—you do?" the younger asks softly, still completely shock from what the older had said earlier.

" _'do i'_ what?"

"whatever you just said—or maybe i just heard it wrong. yea—maybe i just—"

"changkyun—changkyun, hey," kihyun calls gently, taking both the younger's hands into his and thankfully he did not pull away but rather changkyun seems to push his cold hands even more into kihyun's warm ones. "i missed you, changkyun."

instead of the boy brimming with happiness, he just stares incredulously as his eyes start to gloss with uncertainty. kihyun notices this and squeezes the hands in his hold a little tighter, bringing it a little closer to him.

"hey, what's wrong?" kihyun asks now, worried. he learned that simply lashing out on the younger from his unusual responses isn't going to help. if he wants to understand why changkyun responds a certain way he needs to be patient; he tells himself to be patient _for_ changkyun because he understands now that everything changkyun does is with intention and from past experiences. 

"please don't lie to me, hyung. please," changkyun begs pathetically while his heart and mind goes two ways. he knows from one too many experiences that he shouldn't trust people so easily and that's what his mind screams at him at this moment. yet his heart—his fragile, soft heart yearns for someone to hold him and to simply let his guard down. 

"did someone make you say that? who did?" changkyun questions now with tears already falling down his cheeks. the boy just wants the truth. it's better he knows the bitter truth now than to peel off the sugarcoating to reveal the bitter truth later.

"wh—no! no one made me say anything. why would you think that?"

"then why..." the boy whispers, still in so much confusion. nothing that the older had told him makes sense; not the slightest bit. he tries to wrap his head around the words but somehow he can't fit the pieces together and it's only hurting his head. 

"why what, changkyun?"

"why would you miss me?"

"i dont under—"

"you know, hyung. you know better than anyone since you've read my letters. why would you miss someone like _me_?" the innocence and the pure sincerity that drips from the younger's tongue breaks kihyun's heart. 

_how much did people around him put him through to make him truly believe that not one person would actually care for this precious boy?_


	41. Chapter 41

"let's go for a walk," kihyun suggests once the younger had calmed down a little. changkyun looks up with a slight frown and a pout on his lips.

"but you have dinner, hyung."

"and that dinner is basically pointless if you aren't there," kihyun tells him bluntly. changkyun opens his mouth to object but really what can he say? this whole thing is still a shock for the younger. he has given up trying to understand why kihyun is still here—or why kihyun still wants to be his friend. 

"so, a walk?" 

the younger agrees silently with a small nod. he gets off his bed and kihyun leads the way out of the younger's house. kihyun had expected some level of awkwardness because he knows that things between him and changkyun can't magically go back to how they were yet he wished that the awkwardness isn't _this_ thick. it's basically so heavy that he can feel it weighing down on his chest. and when kihyun turns his head to see how the younger in doing he can't help but notice the gap between them.

there was a point where the younger would walk really close to kihyun, sometimes pushing his wheelchair and other times sitting on his lap to go wherever it is they both agreed on. but now this distance just seems so off and he hates it. but he doesn't say anything against it because really he didn't have the right to. 

he would occasionally steal glances to watch changkyun who one moment pulls the sleeves of his jacket over his hands and other times he catches how the younger boy would silently observe the night sky above them. 

they find their way to the park where changkyun runs to the swing and immediately sits on it. the young boy giggles a little to himself as he gently starts swinging. he loves how the cold wind that brushes past him seems to slowly blow all his sorrows away with it. changkyun feels light and care-free at that moment and wishes to stay this way for a long time. kihyun can't help but smile at the sight of the younger boy enjoying himself so freely like this. 

he missed that—he missed changkyun's smile.

kihyun stops right next to him, admiring the young boy. he hadn't realized how long he has been staring until changkyun calls him, breaking him out of his daze to see that the young boy has already stopped swinging and is looking right at him. 

"please don't look at me like that, hyung," changkyun tells him softly.

"how am i looking at you?"

"like—like i'm some pity-case. i don't want pity."

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to." changkyun just nods. 

"changkyun," kihyun calls as he approaches closer and stops right in front of the boy.

"hyung?"

"am i the only one who knows about _this_ besides your brother?" the younger nods hesitantly. "can you be honest with me about something?"

"please don't ask about school or home," changkyun immediately tells him with a wavering tone. he didn't want to talk about it—at least not now. kihyun reaches forward for the younger's hands and gives him a comforting squeeze.

"you don't have to tell me what's going on. you only need to tell me those things when you're comfortable and only if you want to, okay? i won't force you," kihyun tells him gently. 

"o—okay..."

"but can you tell me why you won't try and ask for help at least?" changkyun tilts his head slightly, trying to understand the older's question. "why don't you tell teachers? or i don't know, maybe your parents? i know your parents aren't the best but maybe they can do something if they knew."

changkyun stares at the older a little longer than kihyun had expected him to before he notices how the younger's eyes are once again glossing.

"no one—no one cares, hyung," changkyun whispers out as his head falls. and those few simple words are enough to let kihyun's heart sink. "no one cares—not the teachers. not—not my parents. i only have minhyuk hyung but—but he already does so much for me. i can't pile this other burden on him too." 

this altogether sounds so wrong. it didn't have to come to this point in changkyun's life where he couldn't turn to anyone for anything yet here he is, silently hiding his physical scars and emotional pains because no one is willing to give the little care he needs. this angers kihyun, thinking how far people would really take to be ignorant about someone. 

yet a small voice inside of his head keeps telling him that he was once—and maybe he still is—one of those people in this ignorant population who only care about their own wellbeing. kihyun is guilty of it too and maybe that's why it angers him even more because he is angry at himself. 

"hey," kihyun calls out softly, pushing aside his internal demons for now. the boy lifts his head a little and sees one of kihyun's hand patting his lap. "come here," the older beckons with a tinge of hope that changkyun will comply.

and changkyun doesn't hesitate in that moment. 

even if he is still hurt from what kihyun had done, changkyun will not deny that he had missed spending time with kihyun. changkyun can try and stay mad as anyone in their right minds would be but he isn't willing to put himself through this emotional torture by depriving himself of a companion. call him weak, maybe even gullible, but changkyun really just craves affection—even if it's a small ounce he will grab it and try to hold onto it as long as he can. 

he had still missed the companion kihyun gives him even when most of the time the older seemed closed off and reserved but moments were never too bad with him. changkyun gets to be a little more of himself around kihyun, he gets to ramble about the things he had always wanted to share with a friend yet couldn't since he didn't have any. kihyun also cares for him; as subtle as he shows it, the older does care and it always warms the younger's heart.

these little moments he had were enough for him to want more. as days go by with each of them filled with him and kihyun, changkyun only wants more—more interactions, more hours, more happiness; and that's when he realized that he is slowly getting greedy every single time. 

can you blame him for being greedy when he had been mostly all alone his whole life?

changkyun gets off the swing and carefully climbs onto kihyun's lap, like how he had always done and kihyun can't help but smile. kihyun makes sure to lock one of his arms around the younger's waist and pulls him closer to his body, missing this small warmth he had gotten before. changkyun's hands remain on his lap as they fiddle with each other in uncertainty. 

"changkyun," the older calls, gently tipping the younger's chin up to make him look at kihyun. "i care for you," kihyun tells him and he truly means it yet changkyun only sighs, taking the older's words with a grain of salt. it obvious in the way he doesn't take long to over-analyze his words and just briefly accepts it as it is.

"no, don't give me that look. listen to me, okay?" kihyun says persistently, grabbing the younger's full attention as his innocent eyes stare up at kihyun. "i care for you, i really do. i know it'll be hard to believe my words now but i really do, changkyun. i'm so sorry for what i did and you don't have to forgive me now but i just want you to know that you can come to me whenever you need someone. i won't treat you any different now that i know."

"y—you won't?" the boy asks meekly and kihyun cooes internally at him. _god, how can anyone ever hate this boy?_

"i won't, i promise," kihyun reassures with a small smile. changkyun looks at his hands for a brief moment before his gaze lifts up once again. 

"i forgive you, hyung." kihyun's eyes instantly widen at this. the younger really didn't need to forgive him that easily and yet he did. kihyun felt a huge weight being dropped off his chest knowing that changkyun isn't mad at him anymore. "and—and i—i trust you—i mean, i want to trust you."

"i'm so glad, changkyun," kihyun tells him with a wide smile that changkyun had only ever seen a few times. this particular smile where kihyun's eyes go into a line with crinkles at the corner of his eyes. changkyun had always loved this smile and for some reason, he feels his ears getting hot at this. 

but the younger smiles nonetheless as he couldn't help himself as well. he feels so much happier now than he had felt the past week and suddenly just the thought of being excluded from dinner or even getting punished for his bad grades didn't hurt as much anymore because things are going to be okay. now that he has kihyun he knows it'll be okay. 

"also, no offensive, changkyun, but i don't like your parents at all. i was _this_ close—" kihyun brings up his index finger to his thumb, showing the small distance between them. "— _this_ close to telling your parents off and trust me the words were going to be very colorful." changkyun chuckles softly at this. kihyun smiles even more at the younger boy, delighted that he is able to make him smile at least a little.

"i missed my little astronomer," kihyun tells him. the younger boy smiles a little wider now, blushing red from the nickname kihyun had given him. "is that a smile i see?" kihyun teases playfully, leaning in closer to peak at the younger boy's face. changkyun instantly covers his face with his hands and hides into the older's chest, whining from embarrassment because he knows his cheeks are tomato red at this point.

"hyung~ you're teasing me now." kihyun laughs as he hugs the boy close to him, burying his own head into the croak of the younger' neck. 

fuck, he missed this so much. he never knew how happy this boy right here could make him feel. he's so blissful, his heart is bursting and his cheeks are hurting and kihyun knows that this is the first time he feels this way without the need for alcohol or any supplements to make him high. 

"you'll be okay, changkyun," he whispers to him. the younger wraps his arms around kihyun, snuggling in closer to the older male for his own comfort because heck, he missed kihyun too. 

"i will be hyung, now that i have you."

if this is the most happiness changkyun will be getting in his life, he didn't mind it at all.


	42. Chapter 42

"red doesn't always mean hot and blue doesn't always mean cold," kihyun tells the younger boy. "fire is fire, changkyun. have you ever heard of a _cold_ fire before? no, right?"

"but hyung, hear me out," the younger counters, sitting up straight on the older's bed. "blue flames look so pretty! don't you think so?"

"changkyun, its still fire. it still doesn't excuse the fact that you almost burned yourself!"

"but hyung~"

"you could've seriously hurt yourself, changkyun," the older tells him with a disapproving tone. 

"it really was a pure accident, hyung. plus only the sleeves got burned—i'm not hurt. i wasn't actually going to touch it anyways," the younger mumbles as he gets off the bed. "i know better than to touch fire, hyung. i'm not a _baby_."

"well, keep pouting like that then i might just call you one," kihyun tells him. changkyun takes out his needed books and walks over to where kihyun is already at his study table.

"i'm not a _baby_!," the younger repeats as he places his books on the table in front of him. kihyun just mutter a sarcastic _'yea yea'_ before impulsively pulling the younger to his lap and changkyun habitually sits on the older's lap comfortably.

"hyung, did you know this also applies to stars!" the younger suddenly pitches in, turning around to face kihyun with a bright smile. "the red star you see in the sky is the coolest star in contrast to the blue stars you see."

"wait. stars have—colors? aren't they all white?" kihyun asks unsurely with a frown. the younger's eyes widen upon hearing this and kihyun just has to coo internally at how utterly adorable he looks right now.

"you really don't observe the stars much, do you hyung?" and the older just shrugs.

"there's nothing interesting to look at. it's just stars," kihyun simply dismisses it, and changkyun gasps dramatically out loud. 

"hyung! they're so much more than _just stars_. how can you simply put pretty specks in the universe into shame like that?" kihyun lifts his hands up in defeat, snickering lightly at the younger's enthusiasm.

"care to enlighten me, my little astronomer?"

"first of all, you know that the sun is a star, right?" kihyun thinks for a moment before nodding with slight certainty. "but did you know it was a dwarf star?"

"dwarf? as in small-size, teeny-tiny—dwarf?" the younger hums with a nod. "wh—how? the sun is fucking huge," kihyun questions, completely baffled. 

"and yet it's a dwarf," the younger beams at how he manages to leave the older male speechless with new facts he's never known before. "you know, hyung, compared to the billions of galaxies in our universe we are just one tiny dot in it all—almost like we barely exist if you really look at it." 

"did you say _billions of galaxies_?" 

"if i'm not mistaken they've found about 100 billion galaxies thus far but astronomers said—"

"changkyun," the older stops him for a moment and the younger turns around once again to see kihyun rubbing his temple as he exhales deeply. "i think we should just stick to stars, for now, yea? my poor brain can't comprehend all these new things you're telling me." changkyun shyly nods.

"sorry hyung," he apologizes as he hadn't realized how far off he had wandered from one small topic to the broader scope of it all. 

"nothing to be sorry for," kihyun reassures, wrapping his arms around the younger to pull him closer. for some reason these past few days he's been doing it a lot, wanting the younger's presence closer and closer to him that he almost always does it subconsciously. "now, let's continue with that dwarf star, the sun."

"the dwarf star—right..." the younger recollects his thoughts for a moment before continuing. "sometimes the sun is known as the yellow dwarf because they appear yellow but the thing is not all yellow dwarfs are yellow."

"let me guess, they are _white_ ," kihyun interjects with mild sarcasm without thinking much of it to be right. 

"correct! some yellow dwarfs are actually white dwarfs—just like our sun—but we perceive the sun to be yellow because of the earth's atmosphere that has the tendency to distorts colors," the younger explains. 

kihyun—who is easily entranced by whatever new information that the younger has for him—is zoning off eventually, not because whatever the younger is telling him is boring him to the core. on the contrary, he is pretty fascinated by it all considering more than half the things changkyun is telling him he never knew were actual facts. 

yet he is distracted.

he can't go over the fact that this precious boy in his lap is going through so much more than that smile on his face will let on. he can't get over the fact that this boy who acts like the world has it easy on him is hurting so much inside. he still can't phantom how this boy, the one who talks about like the world is worth living is thinking about leaving this world someday soon. 

"hyung?" changkyun calls, waving his hand in front of the older. "oh hyung, i hope i didn't break you. was that too much info? did i ramble—"

"what do you want to be when you grow up?" kihyun asks seeming so sudden, but really it has been in the older's mind for a while especially whenever he sees the way the younger talks about the things he's passionate about—like the solar system. 

"huh?" the younger questions whilst tilting his head in confusion. 

"when you grow up, what do you want to be? do you have a plan?" kihyun notices how the younger suddenly quiets down with his head dropping slightly, his gaze fixated at his fingers that are playing with the hems of his sweater. 

"i don't really have a plan, hyung."

"why not?"

"i don't see a future for me..." for some reason kihyun's mind unconsciously fleets back to the letters changkyun had written and he can't help but think that it all correlates which only cause his heart to sink. "i mean, i guess i'll get a job after graduation—that is _if_ i graduate—"

"why don't you think you'll graduate? you're doing well in school, aren't you?"

"i—hyung—" kihyun gets his answer at how the younger's tone wavers from the mere mention of his grades. 

the memories of changkyun's parents that very day come back. and suddenly the younger is able to feel the stinging pain on his cheek and temple where his father had hit him while waiting for minhyuk to come home that same day. he had told the boy that he isn't going to go anywhere in his future with such a disappointing life to begin with. changkyun already knows that he doesn't exactly have the brightest future yet hearing those solid words out of his own parents' mouth stings; almost like the words themselves had seared onto his skin, burning a painful reminder for him to never forget. 

kihyun tightens his grip around the younger boy and pulls him to his chest, carefully fitting his face right in the crook of the younger's neck as he tries to comforts him. "it's okay," kihyun whispers into the younger's ear. "it's not too late. there's still time for you and you can still graduate."

"i just want to make someone proud," changkyun whispers evident with sorrow.

"hey, i am proud. i'm so proud," changkyun turns his head a little to stare at the older male who gives him a small smile. "tell me, do you still have a distinction for your literature?" changkyun nods to which kihyun's smile widens a little. "and how about your maths result? is it the same as before."

"it's not a cred—"

"uh-uh, i'm not asking if it's past credit or not. i'm asking if it has improved." the younger gives another small nod. "then i don't understand what's there not to be proud of? first of all, you got a fucking distinction in your literature, changkyun. do you know how hard that shit is? you should be so fucking proud of yourself," kihyun exclaims. 

"and second, just because your grades aren't as pretty as the others don't mean it doesn't matter. i'm sure you tried your best but others may say otherwise because for them _'trying your best'_ means getting somewhat higher scores in the end but that's not the case. even with a low grade you still did your best but that doesn't mean that's all you're ever going to achieve; it just means that you need to go at it with a different approach. you know, like change the way you study a certain subject. you see, what may work for others may not work for you. 

"high school's not the end of everything. i like to think that high school is not meant for everyone because we are forced to study both subjects we like and don't like regardless if we're good at them. in university, however, we get to choose what we want to study and so the subject we are bound to take would cater mostly to our interest."

"what are you and your friends taking in uni, hyung?" changkyun asks him. 

"well, hyungwon is the only one that is different from all three of us—he's taking economics. wonho, jooheon and i are all enrolled in psychology but in different branches. wonho's focusing on sport's psychology while jooheon is taking bachelor in science psychology. i'm doing business psychology." the younger boy mutters a quiet _'wow'_ , completely amazed by all four of their career choices.

"you guys are so amazing!" kihyun chuckles at the younger's enthusiasm just from hearing what he and his friends are currently doing which really did warm his heart. one would simply just nod it off with a simple "oh" but changkyun, this boy manages to find amusement in the littlest things which is truly endearing to kihyun. 

"now, i want you to think of something you want to be doing when you grow up."

"but hyung i can't just—"

"no excuses. come on. think of something." the younger huffs in defeat and stays silent for a moment.

"i—i wanted to be an astronomer. i mean i still do—kinda—but—"

"no buts," kihyun cuts him off. "would studying about the stars and planets make you happy?" 

"yea..."

"now you have something to look forward to," kihyun says. "study astronomy and become the greatest astronomer ever!"

"you have too much confidence in me, hyung. what if i fail like i'm doing now?"

"but what if you succeed, changkyun?" kihyun counters. changkyun pouts at the older's sudden burst of optimism. "don't let these few high school years or even the stupid words of others define how you view the rest of your life. it may be hard now but it's not always going to be this way."

"hyung, you sound a little _too_ optimistic," changkyun tells him. "it's scary."

"and what's so wrong with that? i think optimism makes me look more handsome. don't you think so?" kihyun says while posing with a peace-sign. the younger stares at him, blinking blankly.

"did you just—i—i have no words, hyung," the younger mutter as he turns around with his cheeks tinted red from kihyun complementing his own self. kihyun can only snicker at this before he rests his head on the younger's shoulder, heart warm and content with how they are now.


	43. Chapter 43

"hyung, you are so amazing!" changkyun exclaims as he turns around to hug the older male he's sitting on. kihyun chuckles a little while shaking his head from the countless of praises he's been getting from the younger every time he manages to solve a problem.

"changkyun, it's literally just logarithm. and all you have to know is _log-ten_ which is the easiest _log_ out of everything."

"hyung, you know i'm dumb in maths."

"you're not dumb. you just haven't found a way to properly grasp the concept yet," kihyun rephrases the sentence nicely. changkyun huffs then leans forward to look at the question kihyun had just done, analyzing the method in which kihyun had used to solve the godforsaken problem. when he compares his working with those that kihyun had done the younger gasps.

"oh god! _log3x is log3 plus logx_ ," changkyun says as he smacks his own forehead. "why didn't i think to separate the equations in the first place..." the younger boy asks, more to himself, as he continues to scan through kihyun's working. 

"you know, there's a reason why formula sheets were created," kihyun tells him, slipping changkyun's very much forgotten formula sheet just under the younger's arm. 

"i tend to forget it's existence. oops!"

"whatever am i to do with you." changkyun beams innocently at him before going back to attempt another question on his own. "remember formula sheets exist." the younger rolls his eyes and this time brings the said sheet closer to him to be used as a reference. 

although it did take the younger much longer than kihyun would ever need to complete the next question the younger was doing but he can't help the proud smile on his lips when changkyun had done a whole logarithmic question on his own and that too with the right answer. the younger's eyes did widen when kihyun told him that his answer is right.

"really?" he asks in disbelief. kihyun nods as he puts down the paper. "i did it! hyung, i think i can do logarithms now," changkyun tells him with full optimism. kihyun laughs at this knowing that minutes before changkyun had a very much pessimistic view on logarithms (and any other topics in maths really). 

"well, be sure to keep that same optimism for the other nine chapters." the younger whines once again when the daunting reminder that he will not only be answering logarithmic questions hits him. 

"hey, my mom made more cookies the other day and they're your favorite," kihyun tells him. changkyun's eyes gleam like a little kid as the smile on his face reappears once again, teeth on full display that kihyun's heart actually flutters.

"butter cookies?" kihyun nods.

"why don't you bring some here then we can continue on the rest of the logarithm questions?" the younger chimes a happy _'okay'_ with really the only thing in mind are eating the cookies and not the fact that he has more questions he needs to do. he hops off kihyun's lap and makes his way into the kitchen. 

the younger had always loved butter cookies and if he were given a whole box, rest assured he can finish them all in one day (and that too with self-control). he remembers how he used to bug minhyuk to brings back butter cookies from the bakery just across from his university because changkyun likes them there the best. but ever since the younger had tried mrs yoo's own butter cookies, it's safe to say that he loves them too (maybe a bit more than the bakery's). 

changkyun mindlessly enters the kitchen and spots the jar filled with the delicious sweet decadence. his smile widens as he approaches the cookie jar. 

"hi changkyun," the familiar voice of mrs yoo greets from behind him. changkyun jumps a little and turns around to see kihyun's mother entering the kitchen while giving the younger boy a sweet smile.

"h—hi," the boy greets with a small smile. he bows slightly to show his respect.

"i see you wanted to eat some cookies."

"kihyun hyung told me you made some. i ho-hope you don't mind because kihyun hyung said i could take them but i didn't think to ask you and i'm so—"

"sweetheart," mrs yoo stops him and chuckles lightly at the younger's adorable ramble. "i baked these cookies for everyone to eat and if i do admit myself i made them especially for you since kihyun told me they're your favorite." changkyun's eyes widens upon hearing this. "they are your favorite, right?"

"y—yea," he admits. the middle-aged woman's smile brightens and she comes forth to gently caress the boy's hair. for the first time, changkyun didn't shy away from her touch, rather he enjoys this little affectionate gesture from kihyun's mother. 

but he is confused. 

sometimes he wonders how can someone else's mother care for him so much more than his own flesh and blood mother does— _if mrs yoo really does care at all_ , changkyun thinks to himself. realistically it did not make sense to changkyun. mrs yoo treats him like she does with kihyun if not sometimes even nicer and changkyun can't help but wonder how much of her character is really her and not some made-up persona. 

he could be wrong—clearly—but no one can blame him for his lack of trust in people especially adults because no one has ever given changkyun a reason to trust them. but if he is being honest, both kihyun's parents are probably the nicest adults he's come across for the longest time and changkyun doesn't know how to feel about that.

"i'll plate these cookies for you and kihyun. wait for a moment, okay?" the younger nods and stands on the other side of the counter while mrs yoo walks around and grabs a plate before going back to the jar of cookies.

"i see that you and kihyun are pretty close now," mrs yoo says, eyeing the younger in front of her momentarily then going back to place the cookies.

"i—i guess?"

"can i ask you a favor, sweetheart?" mrs yoo asks as she hands changkyun the plate with cookies. changkyun heart races a little from this as he takes the plate. it's not that it's anything bad but changkyun just has high anxiety and his head tends to overanalyze every little thing there is. a simple question can send the younger into another world of countless (terrible) scenarios that aren't even likely to happen.

"a favor? like—like what?" he asks timidly, hands slightly shaking and so he grip on the plates tgihtens a little to stay somewhat still. he can't do anything about his fast-beating heart but he hopes that it isn't so loud that mrs yoo can hear it. 

"you see, kihyun he is stubborn and a little too persistent. he doesn't listen to us for most things anymore. i assume you know this side of him." changkyun nods. "and i assume you know about his accident?"

"i d—do but not all of it..."

"well kihyun can walk—" the younger gasps almost immediately. "yes, sweetheart, he can. with therapy, he can walk but he's stubborn and he refuses to go. we tried convincing—me, his father and even his friends—but he doesn't listen. so i was wondering if—"

"what the fuck mom!" kihyun yells making changkyun jump almost dropping the cookies on the plate. "i told you not to bring up about therapy again!" he wheels himself into the kitchen with his face being obvious red from irritation and anger. he stops just in front of changkyun completely disregarding his presence altogether. 

if changkyun's heart wasn't already beating fast enough it sure is now. his voice is caught in his throat as he stares in utter dumbfoundedness at the scene before him.

"just because i'm close with changkyun doesn't mean he or anyone else can convince me."

changkyun turns his head to look at kihyun who has a deep frown on and his gaze is piercing right through his mother who doesn't look the least bit bothered by this. yet the younger knows he will be trembling in fear if he were to be in his mother's place. changkyun wants to do something to prevent this argument from escalating but he doesn't know what. he knows he's only good at keeping quiet yet that solution doesn't sound right for now.

"kihyun, it's been three years," his mother tells him, she herself sounding tired from this conversation altogether. 

"h—hyu—hyu—hyung—" changkyun tries calling with his eyes starting to gloss over with tears. 

"and why the fuck does that matter!" kihyun sneers. 

"stop being so thick-headed kihyun!" mrs yoo raises her voice, too, now. the younger can hear the irritation in her own voice and for some reason, this scares him; seeing this side of the woman who only ever smiled and showed kindness towards him scares him now. "there is no reason for you to not take therapy and walk again when you actually have the opportunity to."

"ki—"

"i don't want to. don't you get it? why is it your concern anyways whether i can walk or not? it's _my_ fucking legs."

"watch your language when you talk, young man."

changkyun stands there, lost. he doesn't know how to respond or how to react. but he does feel this weight increasing in his chest causing this sickening sinking feeling within the pit of his stomach. his breathing labors as the argument before them escalates. 

he hated when people shouted especially in argument because that's all changkyun has known for most of his life. one would think that he would be so accustomed to it that this wouldn't bother him at all but the thing is it's the opposite. if anything this only increased the fear he had within him. 

it was small to begin with; he only feared the angry tone when someone said something that was directed at him and only him. as the years go by changkyun soon realizes that this anger-filled tone starts with a loud voice—a voice that holds so much irritation and angry. he soon connects them to things being thrown around (a tactic used by his parents to scare him) before someone actually hurts him physically. 

people around him had conditioned this fear into the young boy to think that every time someone who is irritated raises their voice even a little it would eventually lead him to getting hurt. of course, there were instances where he encounters such a situation but he doesn't get hurt because it was never directed to him yet this trembling fear within him never left, not until the moment changkyun is left alone to cry and console himself that _he's alright_ , that _he's okay_ —even when he clearly isn't. 

the confused and frightened younger can only look back and forth at mrs yoo and kihyun with tear-filled eyes as his trembling hands only gets worst. 

"why should i watch my language when you and dad can't even respect the fact that i don't want this therapy?" kihyun spits.

"yoo kihyun!" mrs yells as she slams a nearby cup on the counter and changkyun jumps another time but this time his hands slip out of the plate and it falls down just beneath the younger's foot, breaking when it hits the floor. the sound crash brings both their attention to him. changkyun's lips tremble with sheer fear. he's sure now that mrs yoo (and quite possibly kihyun) will hurt him for making this mess in the kitchen. 

"sweetheart—" mrs yoo tries to reach our for changkyun seeing how shaken up the younger looks but he flinches away from mrs yoo's touch almost instantly and his fear only seems to grow more with his heart beating painfully against his chest. his brain scrambles trying to think of ways he can appease her without getting hurt in any way.

_'she hates me. she hates me. stupid, changkyun. you can't even do a single thing right!'_

"s—sorry—s—sorry!" 

and changkyun's tears finally fall from all the build-up emotions and he knows he's probably made an even more fool of himself in that very situation by dodging mrs yoo's touch. but really that's the least of his concerns right now when his fear only seems to build up more and more with all the possible ways she will discipline him for breaking the plate and wasting the cookies. 

kihyun quickly turns around and goes to changkyun slowly bringing the trembling boy to sit on his lap. he envelopes the boy in his arms as he quietly tries to shush him, coaxing him that it is okay. the older can feel how bad the younger is shaking and it causing his heart to sink. 

"hey changkyunnie, it's okay," kihyun whispers, gently rubbing one of his hand on the younger's back

"i'm—sorry—i didn't—i didn't mean to drop it—it just slipped—i—sorry—" the younger rambles out as more hot tears trail down his chubby cheeks with his fingertips painfully digging into his own skin and his eyes can barely meet those of the older's who wants nothing more than to make the boy in his arms feel safe. 

"shh~ changkyunnie. it's okay. no one is mad at you. it's okay..."

"sweetheart, i'm not mad," mrs yoo tells him sadly as she approaches him once again but changkyun only cowers closer into kihyun, hiding his teary face in kihyun's chest. kihyun looks to his mother and shakes his head, telling her _'not now'_. 

kihyun remembers what his mother had told him about the younger's possible trauma with adults and this only proves it further and it saddens him. he knows that having the younger and his mother in one room isn't probably the best to calm the younger down and so kihyun wheels them out the kitchen. changkyun grips onto the older's shirt whimpering out not to take him anywhere.

"we're going to my room, okay? you trust me, right changkyun?" kihyun asks him softly, looking down at the boy who has his eyes shut tight and fist curl so hard that his knuckles are white. kihyun didn't mind that the younger didn't answer him.

seconds later he feels a small nod against his chest as he brings them to his room accompanied by a soft almost whisper-like voice saying, "i—i trust you, h—hyung."


	44. Chapter 44

kihyun cards his fingers repeatedly through the younger's hair as a means to calm him down while he watches the video of his friends making a fool of their drunk self in his phone that changkyun is holding. he had shown the younger a few videos prior to this one of his friends' dumb antics but none of them made the younger smile (or even laugh) so he showed him another video and moments later he hears a small giggle elicited by the younger in his lap and kihyun smiles—not because of the video but the fact that he is able to make changkyun feel a little better. kihyun himself laughs seconds later when he pans his focus onto the video where it shows jooheon hugging wonho tightly while hyungwon smacks him to let him go. 

the younger boy laughs a little more when the video shows wonho kicking jooheon to the side. "why did they drink so much?" changkyun asks in between giggles, passing the phone back to kihyun when the video ends. 

"because they are idiots."

"did you take this video, hyung?" kihyun shakes his head. "oh? where were you in that moment?" the older knows he can't lie and say that he wasn't at this party because he had unintentionally admitted that he in fact was present and that's how the idea of watching this video came about.

"i—i was at the washroom," kihyun lies with a forced smile. the younger nods without the slightest clue. kihyun definitely not ready to admit that he was actually in a random room making out with some girl, all high in alcohol after smoking a few minutes before. he did remember where he was and what he was doing clearly with a few hazy moments splotched here and there but of course, he will never say it. 

"it must be cool going to college parties," the younger says nonchalantly. 

"it's pretty rotten if you ask me," kihyun inputs. 

"why?"

"it's not for everyone. and it's not that great, trust me," he simply dismisses. the younger—who has no experience in such thing—takes word for word at what kihyun said. the older continues to run his fingers once again through the younger's hair and changkyun hums slightly in content.

"how are you feeling now?" kihyun asks carefully. changkyun shrugs then nods a little after, not exactly giving kihyun a proper answer. "do you want to talk about it?"

"i just—i don't like it when pe—people yell especially in arguments. i know it's stupid—"

"shh~" kihyun stops the younger's rambling. "it's not stupid. i'm sorry we scared you like that." changkyun mutters a soft _'it is okay'_. 

"is there anything more you want to say?" the younger hesitates before shaking his head. "no questions you want to ask?" he shakes his head once again. "i know you want to ask me something," kihyun says. 

"y—you'll be mad," changkyun says softly."and kihyun sighs. he knows that the younger is only ever this hesitant with asking him certain questions because of the way he had reacted so harshly to them before. it's fully kihyun's fault and he knows that. but the older wants to be more open with changkyun, and he wants him to feel comfortable and safe with him.

"i won't be, i promise," kihyun reassures. the younger looks up to see kihyun giving him a smile before nodding for him to ask his pressing question.

"is it true?" the younger asks so timidly. "can you—can you really walk?" 

kihyun nods without the slightest hesitation. he knew his mother was going to bring this up to changkyun at some point because he remembers her doing the same with his friends. 

"then—why?"

"why i don't want to go to therapy?" 

kihyun takes a moment to get his thoughts right before carefully telling the younger what he needs to hear. "in the accident i was in i wasn't the only one involved. a friend of mine, too, was in it but he—he didn't make it." the younger's round innocent eyes widen as they stare up to the older who sees him and gives him a sad smile.

"but why—but why do you think you don't deserve to walk, hyung?"

"even before i met you—the times when i could walk i wasn't exactly a nice person. i'm a horrible person, changkyun and my ego—my ego gets the best of me so many times and this one time it cost me a friend. me being in a wheelchair; this is my punishment. 

"he should've lived, changkyun, not me. he was a better person than i ever was or i'll ever be. after all that, how can anyone still think i deserve to walk? someone who was supposed to live, didn't and someone who was supposed to go, lived. that isn't fair now, is it?" 

"but—" changkyun immediately stops, knowing well enough then to speak his own mind especially now. kihyun gently caresses the boy's cheek with his thumb out of instinct and gives him another smile.

"tell me," he encourages. 

"what if i'm happy you're here, hyung?" changkyun says this time and kihyun is completely taken aback by this. he gaps at the boy who holds so much sincerity in his words. 

"changkyun..." 

the young boy hugs kihyun this time. the older is truly baffled honestly. even having to know that kihyun might be the potential reason why he was in a wheelchair in the first place, the younger boy overlooks it all and is somewhat thankful that he made it through that accident. 

god knows how many people had wished the other guy made it instead of kihyun and people haven't exactly been quiet about it. it came to a certain extent where they just say it to his face now because kihyun agrees to it as well. he doesn't deserve to live but since he's here he'd willingly take this punishment of staying in a wheelchair.

"you're not a nice person..." changkyun starts. "but--but you're not all that bad, hyung."

"how can you say that? you know first hand how awful i am and i can be so much worst."  
  
"maybe because—maybe because you gave me a chance," changkyun whispers out, feeling his own vulnerability rise. it is no secret that kihyun isn't a nice person and changkyun wasn't going to sugarcoat that yet the younger can't turn a blind eye on the fact that kihyun isn't as bad as people think him to be. 

"you gave me a chance when no one else would. you—you still wanted to be my friend despite knowing everything. you treat me like i'm something more than just a punching bag," changkyun explains with confidence. "you're not all that bad, hyung. there's some good in you too. maybe you don't think so because people around always say otherwise but i see it—from the way you help me with maths, to the times you let me go on and on about the solar system to small kind moments like making sure i eat my meals or keeping me warm."

if kihyun is being honest it is a new light that he is seeing himself in, it's almost like changkyun is talking about a whole different person that kihyun barely recognizes. all people had ever told him were things he needed to work on which inevitably are his manners and attitude to which he had taken with a grain of salt. even if there were moments where he was kind he wasn't exactly genuine per se. 

but with changkyun—kihyun knows for a fact that whenever he is spending time with the younger he is always his true self (even if it were his worst sides). yet he hadn't realized how changkyun had managed to bring out another side of him; a side where people wished kihyun had—a side kihyun never knew existed.

"you're a great person, hyung, i hope you realize that someday," the younger tells him genuinely with a smile.

and kihyun responds by hugging him back but this time hugging him tightly. the younger is taken aback for a moment by this action but moments later he snuggles into the older's warm embrace, appreciating this short-lived euphoric feeling his has bubbling within him.

"someday hyung, you will find someone who will see you as someone more than just a bad guy. they will come to realize how big your heart really is." and kihyun believes him—the older really wants to, for him.

"someday someone will show you how much you are worth and you will realize that you have so much more to offer than you think," kihyun tells the boy. changkyun hears this and takes it in wholeheartedly because somewhere in the depths of the younger's heart he really wants this to be true even when the reality itself seemed so far-fetched. he knew he wouldn't find anyone like kihyun described yet with this small light of hope, changkyun holds onto it until maybe one day the light diminishes. 


	45. ⚠

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not condone underage drinking.

"changkyun, do you wanna try some?" hyungwon offers a shot of soju to said boy seated right in front of him. the younger boy's eyes widen in anticipation as he eyes the clear glass of shot. he had never tried alcohol before but the idea itself did sound so tempting considering all this while he had only watched people around him down alcohol while he was always stuck with sparkling water (if not juice).

kihyun and his friends had decided to head over to a _pojangmacha_ this night and jooheon suggested on inviting changkhyun since it's been a hot while that they've seen the younger. and he would admit that he does miss the younger boy a little so it was the perfect excuse to see him.

"no," kihyun opposes, pushing the glass back to hyungwon.

"why the hell not?"

"he's underage." this causes a loud scoff to elicit from both jooheon. hyungwon laughs before he downs the shot in his hand.

"you started drinking when you were sixteen. so what are you really shitting about? he's just a year older from when you started," jooheon snickers as he downs his own shot.

"that's different."

"how so?"

"changkyun's innocent."

"but hyung~" changkyun whines, catching the older's attention. changkyun gives him a pout and flashes his puppy eyes as a means for the older to give in. "i've never tried soju before."

"and we will keep it that way."

"hyung~ please~"

wonho walks back to their table, lightly grazing his hand on hyungwon's back as he takes a seat next to him. "i ordered tteokbokki, sundae and a few flavoured soju," wonho tells them then he grabs an empty shot glass and pours some for himself. changkyun eyes how well the older (and everyone else around the table) take the alcohol and this only fuels his curiosity to try, at least once.

changkyun turns his head to his right where kihyun is next to him and instinctively the older stops eating his fish cake to look at the younger. changkyun pouts at him once more and kihyun raises a brow. he brings the uneaten fish cake a little closer to changkyun, offering him a bite.

"you wanna try?" the older questions unsurely. "it's a little spicy though."

"one shot, please hyung... i promise i won't ask for more. honest! i won't even tell minhyuk hyung."

"changkyun!" kihyun scolds hearing that.

"okay okay, i'll tell him _if_ he asks but if he doesn't i won't say a thing," changkyun rephrases. "please. pretty please. just _once_ , hyung~"

"what do you want, changkyun?" wonho asks curiously.

"mister buzzkill over here won't let changkyun try a shot of soju," jooheon explain, nudging towards kihyun who is on his far left.

"why not?"

"come on, you're much more sensible than these two idiots," kihyun retorts, downing his own shot after that.

"i mean, there is no harm in trying."

"exactly, wonho hyung!" changkyun exclaims happily. kihyun snaps his head back to changkyun to give him a mild glare because really he is too soft for this boy to ever truly get mad even if he goes against his words.

changkyun gives the older an innocent smile before looking at him one more time with hope that kihyun would change his mind. kihyun in all honesty could keep his stance and not back down especially when he has said something twice. but he internally groans when it is so hard to do the same in the younger's presence. it's almost like changkyun have his own way to manouver into kihyun's heart and the older wouldn't even mind as long as the younger is happy. 

"fine," kihyun grumbles with an eye roll. "but only one shot and that's it. that's all you're getting." changkyun breaks out into the widest smile and leans in to give the older a hug.

"i will. i promise!" wonho smiles pleasantly at the sight of the cheery boy and hands him his own shot glass filled with soju. changkyun takes it with a short nod out of courtesy and brings the cold glass close to him, anticipation coursing through his veins. he takes a waft of the clear liquid and immediately scrunches his nose from how strong the scent hits his nose, feeling like it could burn his nostrils.

jooheon chuckles at the younger's reaction as he rests his own hand on the small of the younger's back to ease him. changkyun doesn't think much about this small gesture because his full attention is on the glass he is holding. kihyun on the other hand seems to be eyeing the hand a little longer than he should.

"don't think too much when you drink it," jooheon tells him and changkyun turns a little to face him, waiting for more he has to say. "just go right for it and don't stop until you swallow it. it's better that way, trust me."

"thanks hyung." changkyun gives him a grateful smile before turning back to the front.

hyungwon lifts his own glass and so does jooheon as he retracts his hand from the younger's back. "bottom's up!" the taller toasts and the two oldest almost immediately down theirs within seconds.

changkyun—who has seen this action multiple times tonight—tries to mimic them. he takes in jooheon's advice and brings the cold glass to his lips and straightaway downs it. it could've gone well (besides having the bitter taste of alcohol linger on his tongue for a moment) but changkyun accidentally swallows it a little too hastily when the unfamiliar cold liquid starts lightly pricking his tongue. he manages to swallow all of it but now he's a coughing mess.

"changkyunnie?" kihyun calls, brimming with concern as he instantly rubs the younger's back to ease the coughing. "water—" the older looks around the table but sees none. his next instinct was to _get up_ and run to go get some for him, but when he tries to move his feet didn't move an inch; that's when the brick hits him right back to reality.

he can't walk.

"fuck," he curse at himself softly with so much anger and this is the first time that he has cursed at himself for not being to walk.

"i'll go get water," jooheon volunteers and quickly leaves the table. and something in kihyun sparks bitterly watching his friend run to the counter. is it the fact that he couldn't get up like him to help changkyun? was that it?

the younger boy lightly hits his chest to try and stop the coughing as his own eyes start to water a little. kihyun continues to rub soothingly on his back until jooheon comes returns and hands the youngest the opened water bottle. changkyun takes it and chucks a good amount down.

"slowly, changkyun," hyungwon tells him.

when the cough eases, changkyun rubs his chest as he thanks jooheon for the water.

just as he is about to focus back at the gorup who is slowly starting another conversation, two unexpected figures catch changkyun's eyes just across from the pojangmacha he is in. when changkyun leans forward a little more to clarify his suspicion the younger internally gasp while the colours in his face instantly drain. the younger lowers his head, avoiding the gaze of his bullies who he is sure had seen him and that's the exact reason why they are standing right where they are.

the younger clams his hands together and lets out quiet prayers to whoever above that wants to hear him that he will at least have a decent night tonight. he knows they can't really do much while he's with kihyun and his friends but really how sure can changkyun be? these are the same people that managed to convince the teachers that changkyun only ever complained about the harassing in school because he wanted _attention_.

changkyun was so caught up in his own head whirling with fear that he hadn't noticed kihyun's concern once again on him.

"changkyun, you okay?" kihyun asks the younger and the worry in his voice is clearly evident.

"y—yea." kihyun lifts the younger's head gently with his index finger to face him and changkyun wants to believe that he will be alright. this gaze kihyun gives him warms him almsot to the point where he thinks he might just cry from how _safe_ he feels. he wants to believe that at least someone will be there for him when this sea of fear starts drowning him.

"why are looking down. does your throat hurt?"

"i—i just—thought i was going sneeze," the younger point-blank lies.

"is it cold?"

"h—huh?" the younger tries to push aside the scrambling thoughts that blocks him from fully understanding kihyun's every words. in default, he nods his head a little. without thinking twice kihyun takes off his jacket and drapes it over changkyun and the younger processes this a little later before he even has the chance to decline it.

"no hyung—you'll be cold."

"i'm fine, changkyun. do you feel better now?" the younger nods shyly and mumbles a soft _'thank you'_. kihyun smiles satisfactorily before he refills changkyun's bowl with soup and a few of his favourite fish cakes then hands it to him.

"eat something warm. you'll feel better." changkyun nods his head obediently and thanks the older one more time.

"changkyunnie, you know alcohol keeps you warm too," jooheon inputs with a smile. for some reason, changkyun always gets shy whenever the dimpled-male gives him a bright smile that it is so tempting to touch his dimples. kihyun stretches his hand all the way from behind changkyun and smack jooheon's head.

"that's enough alcohol for him, idiot."

changkyun disregards the little bickering between friends as he lifts his trembling gaze at the spot where his bullies once were. and the younger literally sighs out in sheer relief to see that they are gone now.

changkyun's attention is brought back when the food ordered by wonho finally comes. steaming hot food fills the table with additional bottles of soju but this time the younger can see that they are cololured different from the original—they are flavoured and his eyes focus particularly on the one showing a strawberry.

"that's enough shots for you for one night," kihyun tells the younger who sees how he eyes that one bottle. changkyun immediately shows the older his pouts. "nu-uh. i don't want to be explaining to minhyuk why his underage brother ended up coming home drunk tonight."

"but hyung, we don't even know if i'm a lightweight," changkyun answers.

"well then we shall find that out someday once you are at the _legal age_ to drink," kihyun tells him while patting his cheek playfully.

"that's still a long way hyung~" the younger whines again.

"and i shall be counting until that day comes." kihyun brings over a can of pepsi, opens it and hands it to changkyun. "okay?" the younger mumbles something displeasedly. kihyun leans in to get a clear sense of what's he's trying to say. "i'm sorry, i didn't catch that."

"okay..." the younger repeats a little louder. kihyun gives him a satisfied smile and caresses his cheek endearingly. he takes a new plate and puts a good amount of tteokbokki onto the plate and gives the sulking boy who's eyes widen at the mouth-watering sight.

"now, eat up. i know it's your favourite." changkyun chest does feel warm seeing that kihyun remembers one of his favourite dishes. but kihyun doesn't just stop there. the older would occasionally go back to putting food for the younger although changkyun could do it for himself. kihyun also refilled changkyun's bowl a few times with hot soup, making sure to always get the younger's favourite fish cakes as well.

when the meal is almost over changkyun hesitantly leans in closer to kihyun and tugs at the sleeves of his arms, pulling him out of the conversation he is in with hyungwon. the older hums for him to say what wants.

"i need to use the washroom, hyung," the younger admits and the older internally cooes at how shy he got from asking this. "do you know where is it?"

"there should be one not far from this tent. probably one or two tents from here." the younger peers out a little and see that it didn't seem too far from the last tent. "will you be fine going on your own?" the younger does hesitate because it is dimmer out there than being in the tent but he nods anyway since he didn't want to be an inconvenience.

"be careful, okay?" the younger nods another time before excusing himself.

he steps were confident when he walked out of the tent but when he is engulfed with the slight darkness with barely any street lights sheltering him, his steps soon became slow and heavy, each imprint leaves behind carbon of hesitation. changkyun hands are pressed together tightly as he navigates his way to the last tent where there are two bathroom stalls. his heart calms a little as he reasons with his mind that he just has to go and run back to the tent and everything will be okay.

wrong.

changkyun really thought luck for him really did turn around today. but changkyun should've known that he was never born with such thing. he was only meant for chaos and misfortune, he always thought so and now almost every day's events seem to prove him right. sometimes he even laughs bitterly, thinking why he should bother hoping a day where something, at least one minuscular thing, could ever go right.

"little changkyunie having fun drinking, i see," the first bully says with an evil glint in his eyes. the mere stare already has the poor boy trembling.

changkyun knows better than to scream. he knows he can't really escape them unless he chooses to run but he did that once and the consequence wasn't as pretty as he had predicted. and changkyun would very much not want to spend another week or two in constant pain reminded by the cruel repercussion just from running away. he'd rather deal with them then and there and just get over with it because the most he'll feel the pain is a few days. he just hopes that whatever it is they're planning to do will be quick.

"and it seems like little changkyunnie made some friends too," the other bully says, face so close that changkyun can small the horrible waft of cigarette from him. "do they know how much of a pathetic being you are?" changkyun stays quiet, eyes never able to leave the ones staring down at him with clear cruel intentions swimming in them.

"answer me when i ask you a fucking question, you cunt!" the guy screams, shoving the boy's head to the side. changkyun loses his footing and end up falling down with his knees scraping the concrete road.

"fucking pathetic," the one at the back spits.

"so you're an arrogant prick now that you have friends, huh? you f—"

"is there a problem here?" changkyun hears the ever-familair voice behind him and starts crying from the relief that washes over him. the younger boy quietly sobs with his head down, unable to get up because he didn't trust his knees to give out from how scared he really is right now.

"do you boys have a problem here?" kihyun repeats lowly this time, managing to intimidate the bullies who knew they have the most advantage in this given situation. but this doesn't faze kihyun. if anything he wished he could stand now to beat the shit out of the two males standing before him for making changkyun cry.

one of them takes a few steps back while the other still stays where he stands, his glare never leaving those of the other who had _rudely_ interrupted them yet he didn't have the guts to challenge kihyun. the most he does is stare daggers at the male in the wheelchair.

"i think i asked you fuckers a question," kihyun spits, getting impatient himself as he gets closer to them.

"no problems here," the bully sneers then walk away but one of them didn't miss the chance to "accidentally" kick changkyun with his foot as he walks past the younger before they both disappear down the road.

kihyun never knew his anger could reach a level where he feel psychical to hot and his fists just itch to disfigure the both of them for harassing changkyun like that. the older is brought to his sense when he hears the younger's quiet sobs slowly becoming slightly straggled accompanied by hiccups. kihyun wheels himself closer to changkyun with his own heart breaking watching the younger boy like this. he hates this. just moments before he was smiling and happy—as he should always be—but those fucker just had to ruin it for the poor boy.

when kihyun reaches over for the younger boy, changkyun involuntarily flinches away from the touch, whimpering out a weak plead.

"changkyun, it's just me..." kihyun tells him sadly. the said boy sniffles a few times before bringing his blurry vision up. somehow he cries even more—and its not from the pain. it's from all the fear that has been bottled up within him. he truly believed that he would be beaten up tonight and that he would have to find som many excuses to tell kihyun and friends. but now, all he has is a scrapped knee and a fast-beating heart that is trying to calm down from the heavily induced anxiety.

kihyun bends over a little to take the younger's hands and guides him up carefully to sit on his lap. the younger whimpers from the open wound in his knee but complies quietly none the less. kihyun looks at it and his anger only fuels again. he tries to keep his composure for changkyun's sake who is shaking badly in his hold with his tears treaming down none stop. kihyun pads his thumb over the younger's cheeks to wipe his tears.

"did they hurt you anywhere else besides your knee?" all the younger can do is shake his head as he knows that his voice will betray him. kihyun uses another hand to gently massage through the younger's scalp to calm him the best he can as he brings his head to lean on his shoulder.

"you're okay, changkyunnie. you're okay," kihyun whispers, holding the boy in his arms tight, promising to never let him go.


	46. Chapter 46

when changkyun hears the click behind him he instantly snaps his head back and whines, glaring at kihyun who brings the camera down from his face showing the smile on his face. "hyung~ i told you to just hold it. why did you take my picture _again_!"

"i was just testing the lens," kihyun says simply.

"you were testing the lens four times?"

"we have to be sure it works, right?" changkyun stares at him incredulously, completely speechless at the older male. "why are you staring at me like that?"

"you—i have no words, hyung," changkyun admits, and kihyun chuckles as he places the younger's camera back on his lap.

"you know changkyunnie, the pictures aren't even that bad," kihyun tells him watching the younger crouch down beside a bush full of mini pink ixoras. "you look good anyways in the pictures."

"hyung, you can literally take picture of any other thing at this park," the boy huffs.

"and i choose to take pictures of you," kihyun dismisses. changkyun wants to protest more but he gets called by hyungwon who runs to him with what he found.

"i managed to find mini red ixoras the other side," hyungwon tells the younger, showing him the small bunch he has found in his palm.

"there's more here too, hyung. they're pink ones here," changkyun exclaims happily as he points to the bush he was looking at before. seconds later he hears another click and changkyun groans out loud before he turns around and gives kihyun another glare to which the older found to be utterly adorable that he had to take another picture of him (with his attempted threatening glare).

"kihyun hyung, stop~" changkyun complains as he covers his face and turns away from kihyun.

"oops. my hand slipped."

"stop taunting the poor boy," jooheon says as he walks up beside kihyun followed by wonho who goes to bend down beside hyungwon. jooheon looks over at the younger and cooes out loud at his cute pout before bending beside him.

"what do you have there, cutie?" jooheon asks at the bundle in the younger's hand. changkyun momentarily gapes at the pet name before he visibly blushes. it isn't the first time that jooheon had mindlessly call the younger that name but every new time the younger only seems to blush harder, still not used to the sweet endearment from anyone really

kihyun however changes his expression almost instantly to somewhat bitter, his eyes narrowed and lips in a thin line. the shorter male knew that jooheon had taken a special liking towards the young boy and calling him pet names as such is a normal thing but he doesn't know when his own irritation started whenever his friends (especially jooheon) calls changkyun anything but his name—names that hold so much affection.

it's almost like an odd warmth sparks within him and it's not the familiar light feeling that comes with it, it's more of the bitterness at the tip of his tongue that comes right after this warmth. it's new and it's odd; very unfamiliar and kihyun wouldn't even notice this feelings of his until he's been doing it for a little too long—or more so he'll be glaring at his friend (a little too long).

"you know cutie, if you want to touch my dimples, you can," jooheon says that suddenly brings kihyun out of his daze completely missing out on the conversation they had prior to what he just heard. he looks at the both of them and sees changkyun turn a shade darker. the younger lifts his free hand up and extends his index finger placing it right at jooheon's left dimple causing him to chuckle at the younger's shy nature. changkyun almost immediately retracts his finger and mumbles a soft _'thank you'_.

"adorable," jooheon comments with a bright smile.

"changkyun, i think there are some snowdrops right over there," hyungwon tells the younger as he approaches both of them with wonho. changkyun's immediate attention turns to hyungwon and he stands with an anticipated smile.

"really? let's go see, hyung!" changkyun grabs hyungwon's hand and starts dragging him towards the direction hyungwon had pointed to earlier which is a little further away from where the other three males are but not too far that they can't see both of them. wonho chuckles lightly at the both of them and goes to stand with jooheon and kihyun.

"i'm glad hyungwon found someone else to talk about all these plants with," wonho says, admiring the wide smile on his boyfriend as both him and changkyun crouch down to something that caught their attention.

"i never knew hyungwon knows so much about plants," kihyun interjects, watching the both of them as well—mostly the younger boy if he's being honest.

"i didn't either until i started dating him," wonho replies. "he really won't shut up about plants once he gets into them but i don't mind. it's somehow endearing to hear my baby ramble about things that interest him." kihyun nods to that and somehow he understands exactly what his friend is saying because he feels the same when it comes to changkyun. kihyun is never not amazed whenever changkyun goes on and on to ramble about the solar systems or sometimes even about nature. no doubt that kihyun learns new things from the younger but it also opens his mind and broadens his perspective on how he views the world now.

wonho is right, it truly is endearing.

kihyun notices changkyun turning back to look at him and seconds later starts jogging back. kihyun really can't suppress the smile on his lip that mirrors the same on the younger's. the older's full attention is now on changkyun and solely on changkyun, tuning out everything else around him.

"hyung, can i have my camera, please?" changkyun asks. kihyun hands the camera over to him.

"be careful, okay?" kihyun advises while ruffling through the boy's hair.

"i will, hyung. thanks!"

"wait changkyun, let's go together," wonho tells him and the said boy nods his head happily. "excuse me," he bids to both of his friends then walks off to where hyungwon is with changkyun by his side.

kihyun admires the boy. it truly is amazing how changkyun is able to smile so brightly every day despite all that he's going through. maybe at first it did concern kihyun because it all just seems so painful to do, hvaing to put up a smile always, but kihyun eventually realizes that this is how changkyun copes day. the boy tries to find the littlest positive thing about his day and he grasps onto it so tight because he doesn't know how long he'll be able to have it—and within those grasps, he will be as happy as he is allowed to.

kihyun doesn't know everything that the younger is going through, but he knows enough to always want to make the boy happy and if possible to stop all the hurt and pain he is going through.

"you like him," jooheon says, bringing kihyun out of his thoughts. he had completely forgotten that his other friend is still here too and so he turns to look at him with a raised brow.

"excuse me?"

"changkyun—you like that boy," he clarifies, eyes momentarily on the young boy before he, too, looks at kihyun. kihyun scoffs to that statement, making it seem like jooheon had just said one of the most preposterous things ever.

"no, i don't," kihyun deadpans.

"that look on your face just now says something else." kihyun frowns to this, his lips pressed into a thin line once again. "this is not the first time though. and don't think i didn't notice the way you look at me too. i've noticed it a few times i just didn't bring it up."

"you're just talking shit now."

"you're in denial, kihyun."

"the fuck, i am not!" kihyun snaps. "stop putting ideas into my head. he is _just_ my neighbour. there's nothing more to it."

"so, you wouldn't mind then if i were to ask him out?" this only seems to rile kihyun even more as his hands clench tighter around the wheels until his knuckles turn visibly white. kihyun frowns deeper as his glare pierces right through jooheon.

"do i look like his brother? do whatever the fuck you want," he sneers with so much hatred dripping in his words that jooheon frowns this time.

"for someone who doesn't like changkyun, you seem pretty uptight about it," jooheon mutters.

"oh, fuck off!"

"hyung!" changkyun calls out, stopping both the males' escalating argument. this brings their full attention to the boy who is running back to the both of them with hyungwon and wonho following behind at their own pace. this time kihyun doesn't smile when he sees the younger boy approaching them.

"kihyun hyung, look! we found snowdrops!," changkyun exclaims excitedly as he extends his hands and opens his palms to reveal the said flower to kihyun who looks at it and shows little to no reaction at all. kihyun just gives a brief hum before he looks up at wonho who had just reach them.

"can we leave now?" he asks bluntly. changkyun stares at kihyun for a moment at his cold response before he shamefully retracts his hands back, carefully carrying the flowers in his palms close to him. kihyun turns his whole wheelchair to face away from changkyun seeming like he is purposely ignoring his presence. changkyun didn't want to assume that he had made kihyun mad but his brsin does start scrambling to think what he could've possibly done (or say).

"so soon?" wonho questions, feeling puzzeled.

"yes. so can we?"

everyone didn't say much after that. all the while kihyun hadn't spoken at all as he keeps to himself in the car while it is filled with noisy conversations going back and forth between hyungwon, wonho and jooheon. changkyun was momentarily involved before his own voice got drowned by the rest and really he didn't mind listening to their rambles instead. but the younger's mind always fleets back to kihyun.

changkyun had decided to sit at the seat right beside where kihyun's wheelchair fits and he had watched from the moment they left the park to get into the car that the older male isn't acting the same as before. if anything he seems so much colder.

changkyun timidly tugs at kihyun's sleeve trying to get his attention over the loud voices because he very well knows that his soft, meek voice won't be heard unless he gets the older male's full attention. kihyun turns his head to look at the younger male who eyes him worriedly.

"what?" he asks a little harshly but changkyun disregards that, understanding that maybe kihyun is going through some problems of his own.

"are—are you okay, hyung?" kihyun shrugs and pulls his arm away from the younger's grip.

"i'm fine." and he turns to look the other way again. changkyun does feel the slight pang in his chest from the older's sudden withdrawal but he tries not to take it too much to heart. this reminds him of the kihyun he met the very first time and changkyun will admit that he doesn't like that kihyun very much. but the younger has seen sides of kihyun he never knew existed. he knows that there is a good man within that cold demeanor so he doesn't want to let go that easily.

changkyun decides not to say anything as he discretely slides one of his hand over to kihyun and slowly intertwines his fingers with his. he doesn't know how the older would react but changkyun really wants to comfort the older even if it means this is all he can do. kihyun does stiffen for a few seconds before changkyun sees that he does relax a little. and what made changkyun a little more relief is when he feels kihyun closing his own hand on changkyun's, though it is not as tight as the younger would like it to be, it is still something.

 _it'll be okay_ , changkyun consoles himself.


	47. Chapter 47

**Jooheon:** hi cutie

 **Changkyun:** hi hyung!

 **Jooheon:** i was wondering if you were free this saturday?

 **Changkyun:** i should be free

 **Changkyun:** are we going somewhere with everyone else?

 **Jooheon:** i was thinking more of just you and me

 **Jooheon:** what do you say?

 **Changkyun:** like only you and me? alone?

 **Changkyun:** no kihyun, wonho or hyungwon hyung?

 **Jooheon:** yea

 **Jooheon:** i understand if you are uncomfortable

 **Changkyun:** no no hyung that's not it

 **Changkyun:** it's just... sudden?

 **Jooheon:** i guess it is pretty sudden but i really want to take you out if you don't mind

 **Jooheon:** i thought why not spend a day just with you

 **Changkyun:** owh...

 **Jooheon:** you can tell me in a few days ;) no pressure cutie

"what's got you blushing so much?" kihyun asks nonchalantly as he wheels himself into his room where changkyun has been waiting, sitting on his bed. changkyun turns off his phone before looking up to kihyun. the younger boy mumbles a small _"nothing"_ as he tries to pat his hot, red cheeks to calm them down.

 _'did jooheon hyung ask me out?'_ changkyun asks himself. _'that can't be it...'_

he tries to properly comprehend what it is jooheon just texted him. changkyun did try to make it clear if the others would be joining but the part that didn't make sense was that jooheon genuinely wanted to spend time with changkyun— _only_ changkyun.

"hyung," changkyun calls to which kihyun hums for him to continue. "how is jooheon hyung as a person?" kihyun turns around and frowns at that question, wondering why changkyun would be asking about _him_. "i mean i know i've met him a good amount of time but i don't know him as well as you do."

"why do _you_ want to know about him?" kihyun asks a little harshly with his arms crossed against his chest.

"it's just—he—erm—i think he just asked me out?" changkyun says, almost like a question.

"you think?"

"i mean he texted me asking if i was free this saturday and he said he wanted to take me out," changkyun obliviously tells the older male whose demeanor changes sour. "so i just—i don't really know how to respond to that because no one's ever asked me out before."

"oh," kihyun simply answers without a single hint of amusement. it was just flat, and clearly filled with irritation. "so you're telling me this because...?" hearing this changkyun is now thinking twice if he really should be asking kihyun this because even the younger can see how annoyed kihyun seems from this mere topic.

"n—nevermind hyung," changkyun dismisses with a smile. he didn't want to annoy kihyun with his inexperience and so the younger just lets it slide. "i'm probably just overthinking this."

"like always," kihyun says. changkyun's heart sinks a little at that. it's not so much so that the older agreed with him but it's the way he said it; almost like it's filled with so much pessimism.

"are you going to sit there all day?" kihyun questions, bringing the younger to look at kihyun again who now's at his study table glaring at him and this glare is clearly that of one who is fed up (or almost fed up). changkyun scrambles out of the bed and grabs his needed books before he walks over to the study table as well.

today, changkyun decides to pull the one chair near the study table and sit on it instead of kihyun's lap like he always does because he just didn't feel that _welcome_ ; not since they all came back from the park. for some reason the air around them feels so heavy that it weighs uncomfortably on his chest; it's thick with awkwardness and this unspoken rage. something is definitely off and he knew better than to confront kihyun about it. the last thing he needs is for the older male to be annoyed by changkyun's unnecessary question.

anyways by the looks of it, kihyun didn't seem to care whether changkyun sat on his lap or not.

kihyun had looked through the next topic changkyun has to do and he gives the basic explanation of what needs to be done like he always does. changkyun listens attentively, wanting to be able to do the questions on his own to make kihyun proud. yes, this boy wants more than anything to make the older male proud because if he is able to succeed in doing so then changkyun thinks there might be a slim chance that he could do the same with his parents.

so, he listens. takes notes wherever is needed and then kihyun gives him to do a problem. changkyun takes the paper and was about to write down what he thinks is the appropriate working when a thought he has been thinking for a while crosses his mind.

"hyung, you know the snowdrops we collected the other day? did you know the substance within it can cure symptoms of—"

"seriously changkyun, this is not the time be talking about your useless rambles," kihyun snaps as he looks sternly at changkyun, cutting him midway of his talk. the younger's eyes visibly widen hearing this. "tell me, will whatever you're about to tell me come out in your exams. no, right?" changkyun closes his mouth and all he can really do is just stare at the older male.

changkyun is hurt, no doubt. but he guesses that kihyun is right. the younger boy nods his head a little and takes the advice to heart because he knows kihyun only wants what's best for him. at least that's what he wants to think.

"s—sorry h—hyung." kihyun turns to look at the question he has given, waiting for changkyun to attempt it.

"it's no wonder you're failing," kihyun mumbles without having the intention for the younger to hear.

but the thing is changkyun heard every single word of it and his heart breaks a little more. the younger's head instantly falls as he didn't dare look up at the older male anymore. his burning eyes concentrate on the paper before him with his hand holding the pencil shakes a little from the urge to cry. somehow the older's words made changkyun feel so shameful of his own self, almost making it seem like there really is something wrong with the younger boy and that's why he is failing.

it was one thing to shut the younger up for talking "nonsense" but it was another thing to belittle his grades. kihyun knew first hand how changkyun felt about his grades and the fact that the older would use that against him really hurts. yet changkyun tells himself to suck it. he knew kihyun could be blunt and sometimes a little straightforward so this might just be one of those moments. kihyun would never insult someone, especially if that someone was changkyun, right?

changkyun quietly does the question and he attempts another one that was given by his teacher and when the younger checks to see the answers. changkyun couldn't help the proud smile on his face when he sees that both the questions he had done had the correct answers. changkyun wanted to show kihyun that he was able to do it without any mistakes and he was sure the older would compliment him.

"hyung, lo—"

"if you don't shut up when you need to and concentrate on the work you need to do you will only be making stupid careless mistakes like you've been doing all these while. you never learn, do you, changkyun?" kihyun scolds. changkyun's hand instantly retracts back with the paper in his hands and he stares down at the sheet of paper with his own working written which he no longers feels proud of anymore.

the answers were correct but what was the point?

all changkyun wanted to show was that he had gotten the questions right but now it just seems pointless altogether. changkyun had lost the little motivation he had. he had even lost the last bit of hope of ever doing well in this subject considering the one person he thought had faith in him didn't actually believe in changkyun all this while. if no one actually believed that changkyun could do it, then why would changkyun think he was capable of doing it even if he tried? clearly, no one thought trying could even save this poor boy's horrendous grades.

could no one ever see changkyun succeeding? did all they ever thought of him as someone who babbles too much instead of concentrating on his work?

why did changkyun bother? his parents had given up on him. teachers had given up on him. he thought kihyun believed in him but it only seems that all that was in his mind all these while were the mistakes changkyun was going to commit before getting a single answer right. no one really believed that even _if_ changkyun worked hard enough that he could succeed in anything.

and this clenches his heart even more, squeezing it painfully slow. the pencil in his grip tightens a little harder with the urge to break down becoming stronger. changkyun wants to keep it together. he knows its pathetic crying over something so...little but in all honesty, changkyun is only left with these little snippets of hope in his life. they are all thin strings, ones that can easily break when tugged a little too hard or held onto a little too tight. yet changkyun holds onto them for dear life. the strings weren't many; they were countable and they were all numbered—one of them had minhyuk's name on it, it was slowly breaking as the wedding day nears, and another had kihyun's name, one that he feels like he couldn't seem to get a proper grasp on anymore.

the young boy didn't bother anymore after that. he quietly accepts the questions kihyun gives him and even if he didn't understand a sub-concept he keeps quiet, silently nodding in default to whatever kihyun says about a certain explanation because he had lost all motivation from here and now. this went on for a while before changkyun feels like he can no longer ignore the pain in his chest and the burn at the back of his throat.

"hyung, if you dont mind, can we end it early today. i—i'm not feeling too well," the boy tells kihyun. kihyun eyes him momentarily and just shrugs, no emotions of any sort.

"sure. whatever," he replies.

changkyun quickly packs his things and before he leaves he bids, "bye hyung." and he waited. kihyun would normally smile at him or wave him goodbye but today he got nothing. kihyun never responds and so changkyun just leaves with a heavy heart.

' _he must not have heard me_ ,' changkyun reasons with himself. but deep within changkyun's wounded heart, he knows that's not the case.


	48. ⚠

changkyun is as confused as ever. he doesn't know what has happened between kihyun and him. he thoughts things were going fine, they seemed to be going great even. changkyun had thought he had finally (maybe) found a friend that would somewhat last. you can't exactly blame changkyun for thinking so far. the few months he had spent with kihyun were so much better than the other seventeen years of changkyun's life.

now it all seems to be a perfect illusion created by changkyun all these while.

kihyun seemed so disinterested in the younger and since that day at kihyun's house kihyun had rarely contacted the younger which eventually lead to kihyun stop texting altogether to call the younger over or to even hang out like they used to. it just seems like kihyun is giving up on this friendship and it's only changkyun that's painfully holding onto it, hoping they can still rekindle what they had before.

he didn't want to lose it—he didn't want to lose whatever kihyun and he had because, despite all that is going on, this one small thing keeps him going. he had hope that he maybe deserved an ounce of happiness even if it was short.

but changkyun didn't think this happiness would be taken away from him so soon.

"im changkyun!" the teacher yells to which the younger jumps in his seat. "if you want to daydream get out of my class," the teacher scolds before he gets back to his teaching. changkyun can only sigh. he scoots closer to the wall beside him and rests his head on it and stares blankly at the whiteboard where the teacher had written so much that changkyun doesn't understand almost half of it.

he isn't paying attention anymore—he hasn't been doing so for the past weeks now—because he already knows he won't be graduating.

changkyun may be irresponsible for neglecting his studies like this but if no one cared why should he? it isn't like he would be making anyone proud by getting good grades or even graduating. he already knows that nobody will give a fuck if he graduates. what more if he actually went to university?

he just wanted one person who believed in him but what he thought isn't what it seemed and so changkyun gave up on this part of his life too and he isn't going to look back at it. the scary part is he isn't regretting it at all.

he knows he'll be able to live off for a while when he finds work somewhere and it should sustain him long enough until minhyuk is married.

changkyun has it all planned. it's january now and school ends in february—he only has a month or so of school left and he needs to live through another three months because minhyuk's wedding has already been set somewhere in may.

 _it'll work_ , he thinks. _four months isn't so long anyways._

these weeks changkyun dreads going home again. he didn't have anyone or anything to look forward to anymore. there are very few things that interest him and the things that used to fascinate him suddenly didn't appeal to him anymore. he didn't find curiosity out of nature anymore and learning more about the solar system now seems like a stupid thing to do—as people around him had always told him. he lost the interest to pick up his camera and take pictures of what he thought should be admired.

changkyun knows that its dangerous to go on like this especially when his emotional state isn't as stable as it used to be but changkyun coaxes himself by saying that maybe it is okay; maybe this will make it easier to go by the end of the four months. he didn't smile as much as he used to and if anything minhyuk had noticed he is even more miserable now than before moving to this house which did worry him but it didn't help that every time he asked the younger boy the only answer he got were _'i am fine'_ or _'it's okay'._ there were occasions where changkyun just breaks down and all minhyuk can do is comfort the boy but he will not get a definite answer in return.

tonight changkyun climbed out of bed because he simply couldn't fall asleep—another "routine" (as he would call it) he had recently developed. his head buzzes too much with his unending thoughts and every so often these dark demons would insert themselves into his thoughts. every other night he would try his hardest to fall asleep until he found a new habit; he would dig his fingernails deep into his skin. he would press onto the skin so hard until the keratin punctures through and he draws blood. the pain fucking hurts but it did keep the demons away—at least for a few nights. he had been doing that now every time he couldn't sleep; bruising, puncturing his already tainted skin, and finding new areas of skin that are yet to be painted.

changkyun sees his body as a blank canvas; every new day it will be painted with blotches of red, black, and purple. sometimes the color develops into different shades of green or blue but no day is ever the same painting on the canvas.

yet tonight, no matter how many times he had dug his fingernails into his skin, forcing blood and pain out of it it didn't keep those godforsaken demons quiet. they keep yelling in his head, shouting profanities and insults, hurting the boy's head.

he made his way to his closet and opens the one drawer that is always lock—presumably had lost the key to it—and unlocks it with the key he has hidden. he takes out his one _true_ companion that never once left him, ironically, and holds it against his blood-stained palm. he stares at it, he debates with himself if he really should. and the boy hesitates.

changkyun locks the drawer with a blade at hand and he walks over to his window. he didn't really expect much when he looks out the window. he didn't want to look out at the stars or searched for what phase the moon was in, instead his eyes land on the window right opposite of his where the room lights were still turned on. that's when changkyun notices the familiar figure by that very window, looking out as well.

suddenly the blade in his hand feels so wrong. he remembers the look on kihyun's face; the horror and sheer disappointment finding out that the younger cuts himself and almost in an instinct he wanted to yank the blade across the room and cover up his wounded arms, he wanted to promise to never do that again. then his breath gets caught in his throat when kihyun's gaze found changkyun's.

he misses kihyun.

changkyun had so many things to tell him; like how he had finally understood the gist of what a black hole is or how he might not like photography as much as he thought he did, or maybe how lonely he actually feels without him—how much he missed kihyun, really. changkyun wanted to tell him that minhyuk and shownu have set a date for their wedding and he wanted to tell him that minhyuk wanted him to be his best man.

above it all, changkyun wanted to tell him that maybe, just maybe he found another reason to stay a little longer. he had been wanting to tell kihyun this for a long time but he never found the guts to and now here they are, windows apart and neither are speaking to each other anymore.

changkyun wanted to smile. he hadn't smile in a while but he wanted to for kihyun.

and so he did. with everything that he has he musters a smile _for_ kihyun.

but all kihyun does is looks at the boy momentarily before he draws the curtain without saying a single word—without giving even a small smile.

changkyun's heart breaks even more.

the blade in his palm presses against his skin and he didn't care anymore. he didn't care if he bled so much that loses consciousness. he didn't care if he needed stitches from how deep the wound would be. he didn't fucking care. and the thing is when the tears starting pouring from his eyes he knows that it isn't from the wounds on his body but it is from the very wound in his heart.

changkyun couldn't blame anyone else but himself. he was the problem to begin with and he is still the problem now but he can't do anything about it which is why ending it all is the only option left.

maybe tonight could've been different... when he saw kihyun tonight after so many weeks, it could've been different. it perhaps would've even changed changkyun's mind about so many things.

now if changkyun could tell kihyun _one_ thing, it would be that he is letting go of this string between them because he didn't see the point of holding onto it anymore. changkyun was right, he really didn't have anything more to live for once minhyuk is married and he should stop thinking otherwise and stop giving himself more false hope because it will only hurt him even more than what he's already enduring.


	49. ⚠

"wow, you look like shit," jooheon says as he places the can of soda in front of kihyun who looks anything like he usually does; his hair is disheveled like he didn't bother combing once he got out of bed and the stubble growing is another clear indication that kihyun isn't taking proper care of his own self like he usually would. kihyun's first instinct is to glare at his friend before taking the can and opening it.

"thanks," he says with a tint of sincerity before chucking the drink down.

"you seem pretty parched there, buddy," hyungwon says as he sits down by the seat next to kihyun with his tray of food followed by wonho who takes a seat just beside jooheon. "and you look like shit," hyungwon added.

"that's what i said."

"aren't you going to eat?" hyungwon asks now when he sees that kihyun only has the can of soda with him and nothing more.

"not hungry," the said male mumbles tersely.

"again?" hyungwon directly looks at jooheon who was supposed to get kihyun's lunch tray today and the dimpled-male shrugs.

"he texted saying he wasn't hungry _again_ today," jooheon answers.

"are you sick, kihyun?" wonho asks, getting concerned now since it's been a week since kihyun had eaten lunch with them and every day he gives the same excuse of not being hungry which did worry his friends to a certain extent since they know he rarely takes breakfast.

"i'm fine."

"you can have half my sandwich," wonho offers.

"thanks but i really am not hungry. this soda is more than enough."

"that's not healthy if that's all you'll be having since morning."

kihyun takes another huge gulp of the soda and exhales dramatically.

"wow, i feel full already," kihyun says ever so sarcastically which causes wonho to roll his eyes and continue eating his meal. kihyun smirks a little to himself knowing he had annoyed him with his immature act but really he couldn't care less especially now when he isn't in the mood to carry a long conversation—and the conversation about eating seems pretty pointless to the wheelchaired male right now.

"hey, it's changkyun's birthday in a few days, right? do you think he'll like to go to the botanical garden? my aunt's bringing me to the one at Gangseo-gu and i'm sure he'll love it there!" hyungwon exclaims after a while, looking at kihyun with anticipation.

"i don't know. i'm not changkyun," kihyun deadpans with a straight face. hyungwon does frown at kihyun's response.

it isn't the fact that kihyun answered it so coldly because that's his true nature, but it's the fact that he quickly dismisses something related to changkyun so bluntly like it barely mattered. the thing is hyungwon and everyone else around the table knows how much the boy means to kihyun even if kihyun hadn't come to the point of pouring his heart out about the boy—it is clear from the way he used to talk about him and his oh-so bright smile whenever he spends time with the boy. it's clear changkyun means a whole lot to kihyun and yet this sudden change in behavior confuses hyungwon and everyone else around the table.

"but it is changkyun's birthday in a few days, right?"

"so what if it is?" kihyun snaps, getting slightly irritated.

"seriously, what's crawled up your ass," jooheon grumbles, narrowing his eyes at his friend at the sudden bitterness he's showing towards the young boy.

"i just don't get why you are all questioning me about changkyun like as if i know so much about _that_ boy." everyone at the table stares at kihyun incredulously. kihyun now frowns watching all of his friends' reactions towards him. "what?"

"you're talking as if changkyun is some stranger," wonho tells him.

"well isn't he? he's just my _neighbor_."

" _'just your neighbor'_?" jooheon repeats that line in sheer disbelief.

"kihyun, weeks ago you wouldn't even shut up about him and now he is just some neighbor of yours?" hyungwon retorts with his own anger rising within him from how curtly he talks about changkyun.

"just because i talk about some boy doesn't mean anything. i talk about a lot of people, does that mean i like them too?" kihyun rhetorically asks.

"unbelievable," jooheon says as he shakes his head.

"lunchtime is basically pointless now. if you'll excuse me." kihyun excuses himself and wheels away from their table and leaves the cafeteria. everyone at the table can only watch as their friend simply dismisses the topic and leaves silently and once kihyun is nowhere in sight they turn to each other with the same question: _'what happened between kihyun and changkyun?'_

kihyun on the other hand leaves the cafeteria to go out to the university's garden where there are usually fewer people during this hour. he didn't want to to go the library because it was too quiet and this would only provoke his thoughts within to scream louder and so he settles for the open garden. kihyun finds a spot near the newly planted carnations. as he observes the white and blue flower dance along to the mellow wind only one person crosses his mind with his emotions being overall confusion.

kihyun hates this but most of all he hates himself.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

when changkyun gets shoved against the locker by one of his bullies with the oh-so familiar face the first question that comes to mind is why didn't changkyun see him around school the past weeks after he approached changkyun at the pojangmacha the other day? it isn't the thought that he will go home with a few bruises today and/or with a limping leg(s) that immediately strikes him which did make changkyun question himself a little. or maybe he's just so used to the same old drill now.

"long time no see, changkyunnie," the bully says with a grin and gleaming eyes that are so bright that changkyun can see the evil intentions behind them, its transparent and it sends a noticeable shiver down his spine. the bully places his hand just beside changkyun's head and leans in dangerously close—so close that changkyun gets another hit of the nauseating smell of cigarettes burning his nostrils.

"you know i never noticed this before but you have a really pretty smile. you should smile more, changkyunnie." changkyun immediately turns his head the other way from how close the guy is getting; it's too close that their noses are touching at this point and it's making changkyun sick to his stomach from how uncomfortable he feels.

displeased, the male hooks his finger under the younger's chin and forcefully turns his head back to look at him, making sure his gaze is not anywhere else but on him.

"is little changkyunnie having an attitude problem now?"

changkyun can only stay silent as his trembling eyes are forced to look into ones that give nothing but horrid chills all throughout his body. he hopes that all he'll be getting today are some punches and kicks and nothing more—he doesn't even know if he'll be able to take anything more than the usual.

"where are your so-called friends, huh?" the bully seethes now. "where's the _cripple_?"

this causes the younger's eyes to widen. he knows better than to speak (especially to raise his voice). he knows he should only talk when they ask him to and that too he should give the answers they want to hear. yet changkyun couldn't just keep his mouth shut after what he called kihyun. yes, kihyun is in a wheelchair but calling him a cripple doesn't settle well with him.

 _'don't speak!'_ his mind yells, more so begs him.

"don't call him that!" changkyun defends out loud. he doesn't know where this new-found bravery comes from but he is certain that he has dug his own grave right then and there.

this certainly took the bully aback momentarily before he recomposes himself and slams changkyun's body against the metal lockers once more causing a low pained groan from him.

"what did you say?"

"he not—he's—don't call him a cripple!" changkyun yells back. the bully shakes his head disapprovingly at the younger's sudden bravery.

"tsk-tsk. changkyunnie seems to have forgotten his manners once he has friends," the bully tells him. he then grabs onto one of changkyun's wrist—the one bandaged with fresh cuts. he digs his nails hard ripping holes into the bandage and puncturing the unhealed skin underneath once again. blood starts to seep through the bandage and it dyes his hand crimson almost instantly. when the bully sees this it only riles him even more to clench the wrist tighter, digging his fingernails deeper and making the small boy in his hand scream out loud in agonizing pain. this earns him a hard slap across his face.

"don't fucking scream," he warns. and changkyun bites his lip painfully hard almost instantly that he draws blood there too. changkyun knows that his eyes are pleading pathetically as of now as they are now bloodshot and are filled to the brim with fresh tears every second yet the bully sees none of this.

"the other day when we met it didn't look too good did it when we were told off by a _cripple_?"

changkyun couldn't answer when his mind is only fogging with the consuming thought of how painful the wound on his wrist feels. his hot tears trail down continuously one by one all while he feels the fingernails digging into the now open wound. to make it worst, the bully seems to shift his finger a little like his taunting him with this new-found method of pain infliction. changkyun's whimpers are breathy and he's breathing hard to stop himself from crying out loud again even when his throat is burning for him to do so.

when the bully didn't get an answer from the young boy, he yanks changkyun's wrist back making the boy slam his body against the locker again but this time he hits his head too, denting the door just behind him a little.

"he seemed pretty tough for a _cripple_."

"he can beat you up!" changkyun screams back. the boy doesn't know anymore if it was done out of impulse or if he did it because he was simply just so tired of everything. the mere pain from his wrist is painful enough to have his knees shaking badly and he might only be standing now all because this guy has a grip on him and his mind is clouded with so many emotions that he doesn't know which one he should focus at; pain, fear or anger?

"the others will too," changkyun adds.

"oh?" the bully looks at him with such sickening amusement. his grip (finally) loosens from the boy's badly wounded wrist and changkyun's weak knees bring him to the floor as he pathetically cradles his poor bloodied arm against his chest. when the pain subsides a little changkyun's heart starts to pick up its pace as fast as the fear induces into his system. his heart beats painfully hard against his ribs when he recalls what he had said to his bully.

"so they will come to defend your sorry ass?" he asks, crouching down the to boy's level.

changkyun hesitates. "ye—yes..." he answers but his confidence is wavering drastically from he was at the beginning.

"and they will fight for you, i see?" changkyun wants to speak up but realistically he doesn't have anything to say that will make the situation any better. "if that's the case why don't you call your so-called friends here on wednesday? i'm sure they would love to defend you. and maybe, _we_ might even stop all _these_ if they really do come—who knows?"

changkyun doesn't agree to this at all yet the bully just took changkyun's silence as an answer of _'yes'_.

"i'll see you on wednesday, changkyunnie."

the bully pats changkyun's cheek with his hand that's stained with the younger's blood before walking off, acting like nothing has happened. all changkyun can do at that is stare at the place where the bully once stood. the pain in his wrist is long forgotten. he wrecks his brain trying to comprehend how he messed things up so badly for him in a situation like this.

this is bad—so fucking bad. changkyun didn't want outsiders to know that he's being bullied at school and yet now he has to bring outsiders to face his bullies all because changkyun opened his stupid mouth.

this is so fucking bad.

on top of that changkyun has to ask kihyun and friends to confront them which already sounds like a plan that is going to go south very fast considering he and kihyun aren't exactly on speaking terms anymore. although changkyun could call jooheon and talk to him about it the younger didn't feel like he had the right to do so since they weren't his friends; they are kihyun's friends. and calling them for changkyun's own wellbeing just seems selfish.

his last option is to approach kihyun himself which knows might not go so well but he can only hope for the best and nothing else more. changkyun can just leave it and maybe deal with it on his own (or better not show up at all on wednesday) but this slim chance that he will not be pushed around in school anymore is what's pushing him to try. if there even is an ounce of chance somewhere that it would stop all these tortures he goes through in school he will go out of his way and try to stop it because honestly at this point changkyun doesn't know when their last hit will be _his_ last hit.


	50. Chapter 50

"i'm positive he said it's on the twenty-eighth."

"but the way i remember is it's eleven days after your birthday," jooheon says, looking at hyungwon with confusion.

"then whose birthday did i mark on the twenty-eighth?" hyungwon questions, more to himself really, as he looks at the small red dot on the number _28_ in the calendar on his phone.

"that is your fault for not labeling the name, you idiot," jooheon scolds as he slaps the back of hyungwon's head. the taller male grumbles as he rubs the back of his head, glaring lightly at his friend from the rear-view mirror before looking back at his calendar.

"it could be on the twenty-sixth too because i marked that down as well."

"next time you should really write down the names instead of just labeling 'birthday', baby," wonho tells him with a small shake of his head as he looks at his boyfriend momentarily before focusing back on the road.

"so, which is it? the twenty-sixth or twenty-eighth?" jooheon asks looking at both hyungwon and wonho who in return can only shrug. hyungwon too has given up and turned his phone off. jooheon turns to look at his wheelchaired friend who hasn't been part of the conversation the whole while and is mindlessly scrolling through his phone.

"kihyun," jooheon calls. the said male just hums but never lifts his gaze to look at him. "do you know?"

" _'do i know'_ what?"

"when is changkyun's actual birthday," jooheon answers, frowning a little from his friend's lack of attention. kihyun sighs heavily and finally stops scrolling through his phone to give jooheon an annoyed look.

"if you are all so curious just fucking ask the boy then."

"i don't know how far off you were but we are planning a surprise party for changkyun and asking him really defeats the whole purpose," hyungwon tells kihyun, getting slightly irritated by his attitude these past weeks. "so it would really help if you can scavenge that rusty memory of yours and help a little."

"i told you before that i don't know much about him so will you quit bothering me about him?"

"bullshit," jooheon says and rolls his eyes.

"excuse me?"

"i said bull-fucking-shit that you don't know much about changkyun," jooheon repeats his words angrily, glaring his beady eyes at the smaller male who now glares at him too.

"oh? mr lee jooheon over here thinks he knows so much about me, huh?" kihyun sarcastically spits.

"guys..." wonho calls worriedly from the driver seat, his concerned gaze occasionally looks up to the rear-view mirror to see both of his friends glaring down each other's throats and he knows if a third person does not intervene a massive verbal fight will happen.

"i'm sick and tired of the way you've been treating changkyun!" jooheon finally snaps. this doesn't faze kihyun one bit, if anything it riles his anger even more. "you know, you don't have to treat changkyun like shit just to prove your point that you don't like him. have you even spoken to the boy these past weeks?" kihyun can only purse his lips in a thin line and cross his arms over his chest because he very well knows that last of his communications with the younger boy was so long ago that he could hardly remember when. "seriously kihyun, how can you even do that?"

"do what exactly? be a dick?" kihyun retorts, rolling his eyes.

"you know you don't have to be so fucking rude all the time," hyungwon says to kihyun with his body turned a little in his seat to properly look at the both of them. wonho instinctively put his free hand on hyungwon's thigh and squeezes it slightly to calm him down.

"i'm sorry but am i suppose to change who i am just because i met changkyun?"

"we never said anything about you changing."

"you all make it seem like i'm supposed to be someone different after knowing changkyun."

wonho stops the car when he reaches kihyun's house but neither of them took notice of this as everyone else is too engrossed in the argument at hand. the built-male didn't tell kihyun as well that they have reached but instead he unbuckles his seatbelt and turns in his seat to look at his wheelchaired friend who has a deep frown embedded onto his face.

" _we_ don't make it seem like that because _you_ did it all on your own," wonho clarifies. "we never once told you to change—not for anyone, ever. yet without realizing you changed, kihyun, for a short moment even when your much-of-a-dick-personality was still there, there were still parts of you that changed and we know it's because of changkyun whether you like to admit it or not."

"wonho—"

"no kihyun, stop shitting around and tell us the truth. i can't think of one thing changkyun would do that would make you hate him _this_ much. so seriously, what is your problem?"

"i just don't like him, okay? so, back the fuck off!" kihyun raises his voice. his defenses getting weaker as he panics within while wrecks his brain for more things to say to guard his stance.

"you keep telling us that you don't like him the way we think you do, but the thing is we only ever brought it up once and all the other times you just assumed that's what we're asking you when all we are trying to say is that you and changkyun _were_ close friends," wonho speaks. kihyun stays silent at this. "who are you really trying to convince that you don't like changkyun? us or yourself?"

"you're talking shit now," kihyun says as he feels cornered by this question.

"and yet you're the one that's acting like a total shit, funny isn't it?" jooheon sarcastically inputs. 

"is it the fact that you're a guy and you like another guy, is that it?" wonho straight out asks.

"fuck off!" kihyun almost instantly yells and that too a little too defensively.

"if you can't even deny that then you're a fucking hypocrite!" hyungwon says now, raising his own voice. "if you can't accept the fact that _you_ like guys that means you never really accepted wonho and i being together."

"that's not true! of course i accept you guys."

"then why is it so hard for you to admit that you like guys? is it because it's _changkyun_? is that it?"

"you are all fucking mental," kihyun says, clearly dodging the question. "why are you all caring so much for a boy like him? if i do like him why is it your fucking business anyways."

"it isn't," wonho defense this time. "but it's a problem if you're treating changkyun the way he shouldn't be treated."

"oh, is it now? people around him can treat him like shit but i can't?"

"are you even hearing yourself right now?" hyungwon asks in utter disbelief. kihyun rolls his eyes another time, completely disregarding everything he had just said and what everyone else is telling him as his entire mind is blinded by his own stupid denial. all while kihyun tries his hardest to convince himself a certain truth, he doesn't realize the damages he is doing (the people he's hurting) along the way.

"you're so ungrateful, you know that?" jooheon tells him with sheer anger. the wheelchaired male just scoffs and takes this very lightly to heart. "you think changkyun will put up with your shit for long? i know he's naive and timid but i'm sure he has his limits too. someday he will leave you that's when you'll realize what you've really lost and that's when crying over him will be pointless."

"can't wait for that fucking day."

when kihyun looks out the window at his side he sees his house and thanks the above that he doesn't need to put up with this conversation. he opens the door and gets out without saying a single word and he doesn't turn to look when the car leaves as well.

somewhere in the depth of kihyun's mind he knows, he knows very well that the argument in the car wasn't necessary, it could've been easily talked out if a) kihyun just rationalize his own thoughts and reflect on his behavior from the past weeks or b) if he just accepts the truth that has been yelling at him for a while. and this is when kihyun's stubborn nature takes over and its a clear example of its consequences. he did not only hurt a boy he might've even just ended his friendships with his friends.

did kihyun care? no. at least not at the moment.

while kihyun battles with his own conflicting emotions, changkyun battles with the demons in his head that are telling him that he should not disturb kihyun and just leave him (and his friends) alone. his demons might be right—sometimes they are, as changkyun thinks and those are the times he gives in to do things he knows he shouldn't. but changkyun wants to go against them. the younger boy wants a small minuscular taste of freedom at school. he didn't care if the angry stares and glares or even profanities thrown at him still continued but he really wanted the physical abuse to stop. and that's really the only reason that changkyun drags his own self out the door and hesitantly to kihyun's doorstep.

it took him two days to man up and to stand right in front of kihyun's front door. changkyun had wanted to ask the older male yesterday but he chickened out one too many times as the horrid scenes of all that could go wrong starts playing in his head, overshadowing his bravery. so now the boy stands here the next day with crossed fingers that things would go somewhat okay.

with reluctance clouding over him, changkyun lifts his heavy hand and rings the doorbell. changkyun didn't think waiting for a door to open could be anymore anxiety-provoking that it is now. when he hears the familiar scrape of the wheels against the wooded floor nearing the front door, the younger boy's palms start to sweat and his heart rate slowly increases from unexpected anticipation.

changkyun doesn't really know what to really expect when kihyun opens the front door but he definitely had not expected this reaction at all.

"what the fuck do you want?" kihyun instantly snaps when he sees the younger boy at the door. changkyun visibly flinches from how harsh and _cold_ kihyun sounds.

_'maybe this was a mistake.'_

"are you suddenly mute now?" kihyun says impatiently when the younger doesn't answer him. changkyun shakes his head profusely as he tries to recompose himself, finding the right words to tell the older male his intentions for coming here. but his mind is fogged with fear now and it doesn't help that all he can think about is his heart that is beating so fucking fast and that's the only thing he can focus on now.

"i—hyu—hyung—i—"

"seriously, do your stutters ever go away? it's so fucking annoying. what do you want, changkyun?"

"i—i wanted—wanted to ask—"

"do you want to mess my life up even more than it already is?" the older male interjects.

"i—n—no! i didn't mean to—"

"of course you didn't mean to. that's all you ever know how to say," he scoffs. the look on kihyun's face scares the younger because it's like the kihyun he knew never existed—this is a completely whole different person and he hates it.

"i'm—i'm sorry if—if—"

"you know, you apologizing for every fucking thing is really starting to get tiring and it really makes nothing better. your godforsaken apologies, idiotic stuttering, stupid ramblings about useless things, and this innocent act you put on—who are you trying to fool, huh? what kind of pity are you trying to gain?"

"i—"

"this is why people hate you."

changkyun's eyes widen and his heart stops for a moment at what kihyun just said to him. this one sentence itself is enough to shatter the younger's heart.

"w—what?" the boy whimpers that is barely audible with his eyes now slowly starting to gloss with tears.

"do me a favor, stay the fuck away from me. i don't need another burden in my life," kihyun spits and slams the door right at changkyun's face.

the younger boy stares at the wooden door before him as he slowly feels the world before him fade; he is being engulfed by his demons so much faster now as the profanities in his head get louder and louder. he feels dizzy, his body shakes so badly, and his legs tremble that he has to hold onto the doorframe to steady himself the best he can. he tries to process all the things kihyun had said and that only breaks his heart even more. it almost like the words uttered by the older reopened healing wounds and searing some new ones as well, bruising the barely beating heart. it hurts—it physically hurts now but changkyun doesn't know what to do.

"b—bur—b—burden..." the boy whispers the word as continuous silent tears fall from his eyes. "bu—burden..." the boy repeats as he forcefully drags himself back to his house where his numb body falls onto his bed.

after staring at the ceiling for a while changkyun lets out a laugh—a laugh so heartbroken that it pains hearing it. he laughs at his pathetic self. he laughs at his whole existence at this point. he didn't deserve to live because he doesn't have a single reason to from the beginning. he laughs at his stupid naive self before moving here thinking this will be anywhere remotely different. he laughs at his own messed up self—how battered his body is, how beyond shattered his heart is.

finally, he laughs at the fact that he is _still_ living. he laughs and laughs until all he can do is cry. changkyun usually silences his sobs between pillows or by his hands even when he was alone at home; crying out loud wasn't something he liked to do. but now it's the only thing he can do. he hopes that maybe if he cries loud enough then it will distract him from his bleeding heart.

he cries, screams, until his throat his hoarse. he cries and screams until his eyes are so red and swollen that it hurts opening them. he cries and screams until there are physically no more tears left.

changkyun never knew why people hated him so much, but maybe now he knows why.


	51. ⚠

the last thing changkyun wants to do any day now is to wake up. it was already a hassle before to convince himself to even get up and get ready for the day but now he just didn't have the same energy (or will) anymore to motivate him to get out of bed. what more when he had nothing more to look forward to for his day.

so when minhyuk shakes the younger awake today morning he whines, burying himself deeper into his comforter and shut his eyes tight, hoping minhyuk would let him skip school another day. minhyuk calls his name gently a few times and changkyun can only shake his head, begging minhyuk to let him sleep more (and eventually skip school again).

"happy birthday, my little baby," minhyuk finally wishes him, feeling his older brother kissing his temple before caressing his cheek.

 _'it's my birthday?'_ the boy wonders cluelessly.

changkyun peaks out of his comforter to look at minhyuk who gives him a small smile. the younger boy instantly gets out of the comforter and jumps into his brother's arms. minhyuk hugs him, planting kisses on top of the younger's head. changkyun starts tearing up in his brother's arms, body slowly shaking from all the sudden risen emotions within him. minhyuk feels the trembling boy and hugs him tighter.

"i love you, changkyun. i promise things will be so much better in the coming months," minhyuk promises as he gently rubs his hand on the younger's back and he knows what minhyuk means; he's referring to their lives being a little better once he gets married to shownu. minhyuk had promised changkyun a much better life than the one they are living now when they bring shownu into their family. they even give changkyun the decision to move anywhere he wants, let it be another town or another country. changkyun can only accept all this silently because how can the younger boy ruin his brother's happiness with his own thought out decision?

changkyun doesn't reply—he doesn't trust himself to say anything after that because he knows any words at this moment might just bring him into another episode of a breakdown and he didn't want to put minhyuk through that.

minhyuk pulls away in arm's length to smile at his younger brother once again. "shownu and i will leave work early today, okay? we will bring you out for dinner then we can do whatever you want. how does that sound?" minhyuk asks as he cards his fingers through changkyun's hair.

changkyun musters a small smile and nods. "i—i can't wait."

unfortunately, minhyuk didn't let the younger stay home from school today since he had already skipped the day before and the last thing he wants is the school calling changkyun's parents for his poor attendance record. and so changkyun forcefully gets ready, purposely delaying his every mundane routine just to get to school late. he didn't care if the teacher would send him to detention for coming late because that would honestly be better than coming home to an empty house that only reminds him of his own pathetic life.

changkyun's initial goal for today is to arrive late to school, get detention and quickly speed himself back home because all in all he's doing all for not coming to school yesterday and face his bullies with friends who never really were his friends. changkyun knows he's already in some really deep shit but he will try his best to avoid them for as long as he can even if it means running around late every day and getting detention every day just for it.

the boy had not expected anyone to wish him on his birthday which is pretty much an accurate prediction because today was basically like every other day. changkyun's birthday was never anything special—not until minhyuk decided to celebrate it with him seven years ago; ever since then, changkyun has celebrated his birthdays with cakes that minhyuk could afford. the first few years were just minhyuk and him and then when minhyuk started dating shownu, his older brother would bring him over to celebrate with them. changkyun did feel sorry for shownu thinking he had to be forcefully dragged (and probably begged) by minhyuk to come and celebrate this one day that barely means anything for the boy.

but shownu never minded. he had always cared for the young boy and always looked after him like he was his own family and no matter how many times shownu had reassured changkyun that he really didn't mind celebrating his birthday with him, changkyun still can't bring himself to fully believe that.

because why would anyone willingly celebrate changkyun's birthday with him?

so far the day has gone exactly as planned—arriving school late; checked, getting detention; checked, speeding home; pending.

all changkyun can think about as the final minutes of his detention ends is how fast he can run out the door and make it to the school's gate without bumping into any familiar faces. his chances so far seemed pretty promising; he is seating right next to the exit and none of his bullies are in detention with him.

 _'only a few more minutes, changkyun'.'_ the boy reassures himself. it isn't that much reassuring but it's all he has with him now and he keeps repeating those words to somewhat comfort his fast beating heart.

when the final bells ring and the teacher gives the instruction to leave, changkyun immediately stands and dashes out the door with his backpack clutched tightly against his chest. he didn't look back and he didn't care if people gave him weird looks because all changkyun can care about now is getting home unharmed—that is until he trips and falls on the floor.

more like _someone_ trips him and he falls to the floor.

changkyun quickly scrambles for his fallen bag but before his hands could even reach for it he feels a harsh kick come behind him right on his tailbone causing the boy to fall face-first with his nose hitting hard against the tiled-floor. he groans in pain as he holds his throbbing nose that is bleeding now. when changkyun lifts his teary gaze a little and sees a pair of shoes just in front of him before a fist full of his hair is grabbed and yanks his head right up to meet his bully from a few days ago. changkyun's heart instantly sinks and immediately tears that burn from the pain in his nose is coming on fast from immense fear.

"my, my, chankgyunnie~ all alone on your birthday?" the bully asks rhetorically. "you know, it was not very nice of you to not show up when there were people waiting yesterday? but don't worry they were kind enough to come today just for _you_. they even have a nice present for you."

"pl—please n—no—" the bully grabs changkyun's collar and yanks changkyun up to his feet.

"that's fucking rude. they came just for you. at least have some manners and say _'hi'_."

changkyun couldn't get a word out after that when the bully immediately starts dragging the boy by his collar like he's anything but human along the now empty hallway and all the way up to the rooftop where there is barely ever any people up there. when the bully opens the door changkyun gets shoved forward and he stumbles, falling on his knees in front of faces he's never seen before—there are three of them and they look much older than normal high schoolers which only heightens changkyun's fear because they even look twice the size of the small boy.

one of them uses his foot to lift changkyun's chin up to have changkyun's trembling gaze settle on his intimidating ones.

"him?" the same man asks.

"this is the pathetic twink," the bully confirms as he stands right behind changkyun.

the man on his right forcefully pulls the younger up by his shirt, ripping the first few buttons off before pulling him closer to all of them.

"so your friend dare disrespect my _brother_ but don't have the balls to show up now?" the man that has a grip on changkyun spits at him. if looks could kill changkyun knew this one glare is enough to kill because the amount of anger that holds in this man's eyes is felt in how hard his fists clench on changkyun's shirt. the boy feels a chill run down his spine when the male in front of him didn't for a second look away but only glares deeper.

"please—"changkyun starts begging. "please i'll do anything—" changkyun couldn't even get his full words out when the bully behind him comes forward and slaps changkyun right across his face causing him to fall onto the concrete floor when the man just lets go of him like some trash.

"you're just filled with empty promises, aren't you changkyunnie?" the bully says. the boy holds onto his red cheek with tears already streaming down his face.

changkyun didn't dare look up to either of them, but he didn't have to because before he can fully register the whole situation in front of him, he feels a hard blow to his side that sends his frail body flying to the corner where he lets out a horrid cry of pain. 


	52. ⚠

changkyun has the phone against his ear as he prays for minhyuk to pick up.

the boy had managed to pick himself up and quickly make a run for the exit of the roof all while he fumbles clumsily to find his phone that's in his pocket. he knows that during this time of the day that minhyuk rarely answers his calls from the meetings he has but he hopes that his brother would so happen to glance at his screen and realize that it is unusual for the boy to be calling at this hour. or he wishes that minhyuk would've kept an eye on his phone thinking the boy would call anytime regarding his birthday plans.

he is now running as fast as his battered body allows him to. he tries to push away the pain he feels in his legs and his abdomen and runs down the stairs for his literal life. but when he feels the sudden shoot of pain on his chest this causes him to miss his footing and he falls down the remaining steps.

within seconds the phone in his hand gets ripped away from his grasp and changkyun panics even more.

"no," he whimpers in fear.

he sees the three men already in front of him and they look anything but pleased. before the younger has the chance to even beg for any sort pity to be given to him one of the men kicks him right where he had felt the stab of pain seconds before causing the younger to clutch his ribs as he doubles over and vomits out blood. the younger violently coughs, painful tears mixed with his blood trails all the way down to his mouth and he can't tell if the metal he's tasting is from the blood he just vomited or from the wounds on his busted face.

"st—stop—" the boy wheezes, barely able to breathe now. every breath he takes is sharp and the mere pain itself makes changkyun want to stop breathing altogether from how painful it is to take a single breath.

"can't hear you," one of them says mockingly.

"speak louder, you twink," another one adds.

"st—op—sto—" changkyun tries once again but then he feels another blow; this time it's to his left side, someone kicked him at his left ear and the boy's head flies back, hitting the wall behind him. almost instantly changkyun hears the odd buzzing around him and his entire surrounding starts to spin. the boy hazily covers his left ear to try and stop the buzzing but he winces and brings his hand back after only merely touching it to see that his ear is also bleeding now.

 _'i'm going to die'_ , changkyun is certain.

every one of changkyun's attempt of plea is as useless as the next when every single one of his attempts is always cut short by them either kicking or punching the boy into oblivion midway.

he doesn't know when it all stopped—was it when they threw that punch to his face? was it when one of them purposefully stepped onto changkyun's foot, twisting his ankle along with it? was it when his crying suddenly became silent because he physically didn't have the energy to cry while his tears continued leaking on its own? or was it when the boy finally looked like he could no longer live anymore?

it could be the last one—changkyun thinks so too.

he doesn't know exactly how long he was out but when he does regain consciousness once more he wishes he didn't because his entire body just feels like it's in flames, every single inch of his body is littered with bruises and he is certain that they hadn't missed a single spot in blotching his body with blues and reds. its almost like leaving a sickening reminder for him.

maybe everybody's life is a painting of some sort where you paint an empty canvas—for changkyun, instead of having a canvas to paint on, his body takes the responsibility to hold these colors and he sees the _art_ every day when he lifts the layers of cotton.

changkyun forces himself to get up from the cold floor beneath the stairs where he had been left like he's worth nothing anymore. the boy cries silently with every painful movement of his body gets unbearably hard. he had managed to stand—more so leans his entire throbbing body against the wall as he begins breathing hard once more, every breath feels like his ribs are poking against his chest.

something feels wrong.

when changkyun looks down he chokes on his sob when he sees the amount of blood on the floor itself; he doesn't even want to know how he looks like, he knows he looks anything but recognizable as of now and he doesn't know if he is able to look himself in the mirror and not breakdown right then and there to see all the damage they had done.

with occasional coughing and the weird feeling in his chest, the boy drags his body out the school gates and starts making his way home. his backpack is nowhere to be found and his phone was found trashed in a dustbin nearby the hallway. when changkyun lets out another cough he cringes at the taste of blood on his tongue before the buzzing in his ear returns. the boy can only cup that one poor bruised ear as it's throbbing on its own, bright red and covered in dried blood. at the pace he is going at changkyun starts tearing up once more with the will to give up and just fall onto the road seeming so much more appealing now since his migraine is only getting worse. changkyun just wants to drop and hopes for a passerby to find him.

but all those thoughts quickly go away when he sees a familiar male in his wheelchair.

"hy—hyung—" the boy whimpers weakly his voice barely audible from the amount of times he screamed. "hyu—hy—hyung!" changkyun tries raising his voice even if it burns his throat. but kihyun doesn't hear him, he is too far and changkyun's voice is still too soft.

he knew he shouldn't run; with how bad his injuries are and the added difficulty of breathing he knows better than to run. but he does anyway. he knows he shouldn't scream not when his chest is stabbing with pain and his throat is painfully dry. but he does.

he doesn't know what made him do it. maybe it's the sudden fear that started consuming him.

changkyun is scared—changkyun is so fucking scared because he doesn't know why the pain in his chest isn't subsiding. was the constant stabbing feeling against his ribs normal? he doesn't know why he finds it hard to breathe. was it normal to be wheezing for air this much even when you barely ran? he doesn't know if the buzzing he hears is coming from the ear that got kicked or it's from his overall injuries.

changkyun doesn't know and so he is so scared that he pushes aside all that kihyun has said to him. he is so scared that he's willing to risk a few moments to be with the older knowing he had familiar (safe) arms engulfing him through this than to be anywhere else, alone. he knows nothing will make the physical and emotional pain better but he wants to at least get a small sense of security from someone—from kihyun.

and so he runs. and he shouts.

this time kihyun does hear him but the older male remains stubborn, refusing to heed the younger's call.

and changkyun _doesn't_ stop; not when his legs are slowly giving out, not when he literally has no more breathes left, not even when he starts seeing black spots in his visions.

the older finally does look, only when changkyun screams out loud in agonizing pain when he feels a sudden sharp pain in his abdomen.

the boy knew something was wrong because as his knees buckle and he falls right onto the tarred road that's when he violently coughs and vomits out blood once more. the buzzing in his ear gets louder as the world around him gets overshadowed by black blotches. he slowly couldn't feel the pain in his body anymore.

he couldn't hear kihyun screaming his name, coming right for him, crying for him to wake up.


	53. Chapter 53

kihyun had never once thought that when minhyuk had given him his number to contact him anything related to chankgyun that it would be anything remotely serious—or that it would be moments like this where he now waits anxiously at the hospital.

he had contacted minhyuk as soon as he called the ambulance and when he got off the ambulance with changkyun minhyuk and shownu were already there.

now, both minhyuk and shownu are inside with the doctor while kihyun waits outside without the slightest clue of what's going on. he knows he's getting odd stares from some people seeing as to how he has been pacing back and forth in his wheelchair outside of the ward changkyun has been placed in but he didn't care. he is tempted to just bust in and see the younger boy just to know how he's doing because he hasn't gotten a straightforward answer from the moment they brought changkyun away from him. he had tried asking nurses that went in and out of the ward but all they could tell him was to wait for the doctor.

by this point kihyun is tired of hearing the same sentence over and over again.

after what seemed like forever the ward door opens and the wheelchaired male's head instantly snaps up with anticipation to see that it's the doctor tending to changkyun. the doctor acknowledges kihyun's presence and gives him a slight nod before walking off down the hospital hallway.

"what are you doing here," minhyuk asks, his tone evident in anger. kihyun looks back to see that minhyuk had, too, stepped out of the ward and he's glaring at him. the male looks like a horrible mess; his hair is all over the place, his cheeks are obviously stained with dried tears and his eyes are so swollen from crying so much.   
  
"i—i'm waiting for changkyun," kihyun answers with his voice lowered slightly because somehow he feels shameful being under the watchful eyes of minhyuk.

"you can go home, kihyun. it isn't your place to be waiting here."

"i know—i just—i want to see him."

"no, you can't," minhyuk straight out rejects.

"please, minhyuk," kihyun begs now. "please, just once—i want to know if—"

"you want to know if he's okay?" minhyuk finishes his sentences with thick sarcasm. "changkyun is _not_ fucking okay!" he screams right at kihyun's face with his own anger starting to boil. with fresh tears brimming in minhyuk's pained eyes, he stares right at kihyun who's gaze are wavering from the mixed emotions he is feeling—both sad and confused. "what makes you think that you have the right to see him, huh?"

minhyuk is right. kihyun didn't have a single right to go see the younger especially not after the way he had treated him. he shouldn't even have the audacity to ask how changkyun is doing considering days ago it seemed like he wanted to nothing to do with him whatsoever.

and yet now...?

"babe—" shownu stops halfway when he sees his fiance a crying mess right outside the ward and he instantly closes the door, wrapping his wide arms around him. minhyuk takes in this comfort and almost immediately breaks down once again in his lover's arms who starts rubbing his back, gently whispering words of comfort into his ear.

"he's—my baby—what—what have they done to him," minhyuk cries painfully against shownu's chest as he recalls all that the doctor has told him about changkyun's injuries. kihyun can only watch with burning eyes at how heartbreaking minhyuk's cries are for the younger. the thoughts that are running in his head aren't good and they start to scare him as he wonders how changkyun is really doing.

_is he—s he even alive?_

"shh~ baby," shownu coaxes softly. kihyun soon realizes that the male comforting minhyuk is holding back his own tears as he tries his very best to reassure the lover in his arms. somehow watching this tough guy trying to hold in his own tears tugs at kihyun's heart.

after a while shownu pulls away in arms' length and he uses his thumb to wipe away the remaining tears on minhyuk's face. "let's get you something to drink, okay?" shownu says softly. minhyuk shakes his head with his appetite being anywhere near hungry (or thirsty), but shownu lifts his chin for their eyes to meet and it's almost hard for minhyuk to resist those endearing eyes that hold so much concern for him.

"you have to take care of yourself for changkyun," shownu tells him.

"come—come with me?" minhyuk asks softly. shownu gives him a small smile and shyly pecks minhyuk's lip. minhyuk knows how shownu isn't as keen to physical public affection such as kissing in public but he manages to steal a few pecks here from the older but seeing this makes minhyuk smile a little too.

"of course i'll come," shownu reassures. before he leaves he turns to kihyun who has been staring at the door, thinking of a way to convince minhyuk to see changkyun, even if it is a mere short peak he would be more than content.

"you—" shownu points to the wheelchaired male. kihyun looks at shownu confusedly. "you get five minutes to see changkyun." kihyun's eyes widen before he breaks into a smile of sheer gratefulness.

five minutes— _five minutes is more than enough_ , kihyun thinks.

"shownu!" minhyuk wants to objects but the older male shakes his head, taking minhyuk's hands and squeezing them.

"trust me, just let him." minhyuk gives kihyun one last glare before he skeptically looks at shownu. "baby, wait for me at the canteen, okay? i'll be there real soon." minhyuk can only sigh heavily and mutters a small _'okay'_ then walks off down the hallway.

when shownu looks back at kihyun the wheelchaired male profusely says, "thank you! thank you so much!"

"kihyun," shownu stops him softly. "i'm only letting you see him because it's the least i can do for helping him. thank you." kihyun nods, still feeling very much grateful for this small window of opportunity to see the younger boy. "one more thing; changkyun, he—he is still not awake yet."

kihyun's heart instantly sinks hearing that.

"he wha—but—but he will, right?" shownu sighs looking as dejected as ever this only scares kihyun more. he prays that the younger boy will be okay.

"he had so much trauma to his body that he passed out from the pain and loss of blood. he _might_ wake up just maybe not these next few days. for now, it's best you know that he isn't in good shape at all."

"m—may I?" shownu nods.

with his heart beating rapidly against his chest, kihyun wheels himself into changkyu's ward. the silence he is greeted with sends the goosebumps on his arms to stand and an odd chill runs down his spine. it so quiet—a little too quiet that the only sound he hears is the heart monitor; until seconds later realization hits him that that's changkyun's heart monitor. kihyun knows changkyun is badly injured and he may have a few scenarios mapped out in his head to somewhat prepare himself before he sees the younger. but the sight he was about to see is not what he had expected at all.

kihyun's breath immediately gets caught in his chest when he finally sees changkyun and he could just cry right then there.

"cha—changkyun...?' kihyun calls out almost like it's an instinctive thing to do and what hurts is the fact he isn't able to hear the younger's bubbly voice calling him back. kihyun wills himself to get closer to the younger boy who's laying on the hospital bed with tubes out of his arms, casts and bandages all over his body, and a breathing mask on him to help him breathe. kihyun's eyes look over at the heart monitor and he sees the little occasional bumps amongst the straight line but it still worries him how low how his heart is really beating.

hesitantly, he takes the boy's hand that is closest to him and holds onto it securely, eyes never leaving changkyun.

it feels like when he held onto chankgyun's hand in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. the thing is he didn't cry then when he held onto changkyun's hands because he was too in shock to fully process all that is going on. now, as the situation before him slowly begins to sink in, he didn't stop the first tear leaving his eyes.

"chang—changkyunnie," kihyun croaks softly and he really hope for any kind of response; a slightly higher leap in his heart monitor, a small twitch in his eyes or even a distinct squeeze of his hand, but he gets nothing and this only makes kihyun cry more silently.

without thinking as much as he did, kihyun brings the younger's hand that he is holding up to his lips and plants a soft kiss on it. kihyun won't ignore what his heart is saying anymore especially not in this situation where it screams to hug the younger tight and to never ever let him go like he did before.

both his heart and his mind are saying two contradicting things and kihyun stubbornly followed his mind where he thought was always right. he thought following what he has always known will put him on the right track where he will never get hurt. but instead, he learned the harder way that he can also get hurt (and sometimes much worse) when someone he truly cares about gets hurt as well. that's when he knows he should've followed his heart even when he knew he was set out for more vulnerability but the experience altogether would've been beautiful nonetheless—he would've been happy, so happy and he wishes he knew then than having to have this realization in the hospital ward where the boy who owns his heart is laying unconscious.

he kisses the top of the younger's hand once again as new tears replace his old ones.

"you—you'll be okay. you have—you have to be okay," kihyun says as he's feeling dejected at the whole situation. he convinces himself with these words out loud because truthfully he doesn't know what he will do if changkyun never wakes up. and just the mere thought of the younger not waking up sends kihyun into an episode of panic—a feeling he had never felt before that he holds onto changkyun's hand a little tighter, making sure he doesn't slip through his grip.

"you're so strong, _my little astronomer_. you'll be okay." kihyun whispers as he uses his other free hand to gently push away the younger's fallen hair on his forehead. his eyes can't bear to look at all the stitches and bandages on changkyun so he drops his gaze to their hands where he begins to lightly caress the younger's hand with his thumb.

he can't help but think that if they were anywhere else but at a hospital, the younger boy would be sitting on his lap now, mindlessly rambling about something new he has read on about. or if the younger is a little tired he would feel his head against his chest while he would hum lyricless songs all while kihyun can't help but admire him silently with a smile he never knew formed on his face until he feels the ache of his cheeks.   
  
kihyun sighs heavily at himself knowing how badly he fucked up once more and he would understand if changkyun didn't want to have anything to do with him after this and so he takes this short moment of opportunity wholeheartedly.

"you can leave now," minhyuk says just by the door as he enters the ward. kihyun instinctively lets go of changkyun's hand then looks as both shownu and minhyuk walk towards changkyun.

"can i—"

"i want you to leave," minhyuk tells him bluntly with his arms crossed against his chest, and his piercing glare never faltering when meeting kihyun's sad ones.

"what?"

"i don't want you here when he wakes up."

"minhyuk please—"

"look, i'm grateful that you were there to help him and to call for help but that doesn't excuse what you've done. i don't care if changkyun does forgive you but i cant—not now," minhyuk tells him truthfully. and kihyun can't argue with that because it is his fault to begin with.

"you can come and see him once he's discharged," shownu tells him. "until then, please don't show up here again."

it hurts, but he deserved it.


	54. Chapter 54

the wait itself was agonizingly restless for kihyun since he had little to no insight on changkyun's progress—is he healing okay? did he still need the breathing mask? is he awake?

so kihyun had constantly checked his phone thinking minhyuk (or maybe even changkyun) would've missed called him or left him a message he had happened to miss but he knows that all those chances are pretty slim yet it was enough to get his mind of the pessimistic thoughts that came about changkyun's wellbeing.

he just needs to know if the younger boy had woken up—that's all he needs.

and after the long wait of three days, kihyun finally gets a text from minhyuk at the early hours of the morning letting him know that changkyun had finally woken up. he is indeed grateful that even though minhyuk did hate his guts the male still took the initiative to text him letting him know about changkyun. kihyun wanted to ask umpteen questions about the younger but he knew it wasn't the right time and so he holds himself back. and then after another whole week, minhyuk lets him know that changkyun is finally being discharged.

hence why kihyun is waiting nervously outside of changkyun's house, debating when would be the appropriate time to knock on the door. he had of course informed minhyuk a day prior about wanting to visit the younger and although text messages aren't able to portray accurate emotions the wheelchaired male knows that there was much hesitation before the message was sent for his approval of coming over.

kihyun exhales deeply for the nth time and finally rings the doorbell. he did wait for a moment before he hears muffled footsteps getting louder and the door swings open to show minhyuk.

"hi..." kihyun awkwardly greets. minhyuk just nods his head and steps aside to let him in. kihyun's anticipated eyes instantly start scanning around the house, wondering where changkyun would be.

"kihyun," minhyuk starts, voice lower than it needed to be and this catches kihyun's attention. "changkyun's in my room—he refuses to go into his room for now." kihyun nods his head. "also i want to let you know that changkyun isn't the same as you might think he is," minhyuk tells him and he can sense the sorrow in the tone. kihyun's heartrate does escalate from the unknown anxiety of what has become of the younger boy.

"what do you mean?" minhyuk sighs heavily, his tired eyes pools with sadness.

"he—we don't know if it's a temporary thing but changkyun—he—he's not as responsive as he used to be."

"i'm sorry, i don't quite catch you," kihyun says, his hope slightly diminishing about the younger's wellbeing.

"changkyun's just not the same anymore. every since he woke up—god, he is so afraid of everyone; anybody who isn't me or shownu sends him into episodes of panic attacks and he—he barely talks. i know that the incident must be traumatizing enough for him and so if he doesn't answer you or he just looks at you when you talk to him or ask him a question, please don't press him to answer."

this breaks kihyun's heart hearing this especially knowing that the poor young boy is even more afraid of people now than he did before when it was only adults.

"what if—what if he's too scared to see me?" kihyun asks softly. he knows that there might be a high chance of the younger being afraid of kihyun considering how he had treated so horribly just before the incident. he wouldn't be surprised if changkyun didn't want to see his face at all. kihyun tries to prepare himself for the harsh rejection that might come later on yet he knows no matter how times he tells his heart that _'it's okay'_ as soon as he sees changkyun convulsing at his mere presence, kihyun knows he wouldn't be able to forgive himself for giving the younger reasons to fear him in the first place when he's ever wanted was to protect him from this cruel world.

he failed—he failed miserably in trying to protect changkyun because in the end he became cruel himself towards him.

"i told him you were coming but he didn't give any reactions so i think you're good. just—follow me. i'll talk to him first then you come in, okay?"

"okay." kihyun obediently follows minhyuk who leads to a room just beside changkyun's. minhyuk knocks on the door before entering, he leaves the door open for kihyun to wait. from where kihyun waits he can see a little of the younger boy engulfed in comforters.

minhyuk climbs on the bed and changkyun almost instantly makes grabby hands for the older male to hug him since changkyun is now limited to movement. minhyuk envelopes the boy in his warm arms where changkyun takes a good waft of what security feels like. he hates being alone especially now when he feels so open and vulnerable.

"changkyunnie, remember i told you that kihyun will be visiting?" minhyuk asks as he gently cards his fingers through the younger boy's hair being careful not to disturb any one of his bandages or bruises.

changkyun lifts his head too look up at minhyuk and tilts his head a little; he is still oblivious to the wheelchaired male's presence by the door, watching their precious interaction. after a good moment, changkyun shakes his head indicating _'no'_.

"i told you this morning, changkyunnie," minhyuk reminds softly. changkyun once again shakes his head.

"n—no..." he speaks so softly that kihyun almost didn't get it. "ki—kihy—kihyun hy—hyung ha—hates—me..." the boy stutters out. kihyun's heart sinks at this but he can't blame anyone but himself because it's his fault to begin with.

"baby, i'm sure he doesn't," minhyuk reassures him and it sends a mild shiver down his spine from how similar this conversation they're having to that months ago before kihyun and changkyun were friends.

"he—he ha—hates me..." changkyun repeats, adamant at that fact as the words kihyun had said to him before stuck to him, and they play like a sad broken record in his head. kihyun grips onto his wheels tighter as his own anxiety starts to rise knowing for a fact that changkyun doesn't want to see him at all.

"what if he is already here?" minhyuk asks the younger. the younger boy quiets down and he stares at minhyuk and he can't tell what exactly changkyun is feeling. the only thing he can see is pure black sadness that's mixed with a thick void which does scare minhyuk most times because he's afraid this is how changkyun will be from now on. minhyuk sighs and looks over at kihyun and nods, letting him know to come in.

kihyun lets out a breath he didn't know he has been holding and slowly wheels himself inside. as he gets closer he is able to see that the actual condition of the younger; he has an arm casted, a leg hoisted up on multiple pillows, a huge bandage wrapped around his head and for some reason that extends all the way to his left ear covering it completely. kihyun knows there might be more that is hidden beneath his clothing but this sight itself is enough to break kihyun's heart knowing how much pain the younger has to endure.

"hi," kihyun says softly. changkyun visibly flinches and scoots closer to minhyuk. kihyun's face instantly falls from the younger's reaction but he recomposes himself tries to give him another small smile, hoping in any way that the younger accept him even just a little.

"kihyun won't do anything," minhyuk tells him. changkyun listens to minhyuk but he doesn't respond; his eyes only stay on kihyun who eyes the male from top to bottom before he stops on his face—his _smile_. changkyun had always loved his smile.

"i know kihyun has a lot of things to tell you. i'll leave you two alone for a while, okay?" again changkyun doesn't respond. he watches minhyuk kisses his temple softly before he leaves out the door. the younger's eyes then train back to kihyun who looks at him sadly.

"hey..." kihyun says again. this time changkyun doesn't flinch away in fear but he doesn't respond either. although it does dishearten the older male he still tries his luck. he takes small steps like moving his wheelchair a little closer towards the younger who only watches him silently.

"i—i know i don't deserve to be here," kihyun starts with his mind going completely blank. he hadn't exactly thought out what he wanted to say to the younger but he did have a gist of how he would want to apologize to him even though his apology might mean close to nothing.

"i just—i—i was so scared—for you..." kihyun admits, tears slowly burning his eyes when the emotions resurface. he will never forget the heartbreaking scream of the younger that day and he will never forget how he watched him fall onto the road barely alive. kihyun, of course, can never forgive himself for not heeding to the younger's calls when he had initially heard them moments before.

"when i--saw you at the hospital—" kihyun has to pause for a moment and that's when he lets a single tear stray from his eyes. he didn't care if he looked pathetic in front of the boy, he wanted to show him his raw emotions of how he truly felt. and its also because he knows nothing good ever came out from him trying to hide his emotions behind cold facades.

"when i saw you at the hospital—i wanted you to be okay—i wanted you to look at me and just—just smile at me and—and call me how you used to because i missed that—i missed you so much and i'm the only one to blame for because i pushed you away all these times. i know my apologies will mean nothing now but i'm so sorry, changkyun. i—i hurt you so bad—i—i'm sorry—"

kihyun hears the tiny hiccups coming from the younger and realizes that he is crying as well which breaks his heart even more. kihyun didn't bother wiping his tears because new ones are quickly replacing the old ones.

"i know—you can't forgive me now but—but someday i hope—i hope you can even when i know i don't deserve it."

the younger boy cries harder with his head lowered and eyes shut tight because he can't bear to look at the older who is also crying as hard as he is. he never liked seeing kihyun cry and to now witness his breakdown in front of the younger is a sight he can't take.

"do you—do you want me to call minhyuk?" kihyun asks, sniffling a little. the boy nods profusely, refusing to look back up at kihyun. kihyun wipes his tears with the back of his hand before he leaves the younger boy alone. he didn't have the heart to say goodbye—he didn't have the heart to say anything anymore without the gurantee of not breaking down another time.

kihyun holds back his tears when he calls for minhyuk, thanking him for giving him the chance to visit the younger then goes straight home and into his room where he didn't hold back his tears anymore. 


	55. Chapter 55

although changkyun's initial reaction towards the older's visit was disheartening, kihyun did see the positive side of the situation considering changkyun didn't seem too withdrawn with his presence. kihyun did want the younger boy to be comfortable around him once again and he did plan on visiting him perhaps a few days after the first visit. but his plan was cut short when he had gotten a call from minhyuk asking for a favor—he asked if he could watch over changkyun for a few hours since both he and shownu didn't have the free hour that one day and he didn't want to leave changkyun alone especially not now. kihyun of course happily accepted the favor.

it's a daily thing now for the older male to immediately rush over to changkyun's house as soon as he gets home from classes which is about the same time minhyuk goes to work (the said male had changed his schedule to tend to the younger's care—not that he minded).

one thing changkyun has never notice about the older male before is how well he can cook. for the past week that kihyun has been coming over, he had been cooking mini-meals for the younger boy or basically doing any drink kihyun suggests he might want since changkyun barely says a complete full-sentence still. he quietly accepts the older's concoction and every single time he is never disappointed with the meals presented to him.

"how does hot chocolate sound?" kihyun asks the younger boy with a smile while gently caressing the top of his hand with his thumb, a new habit he had developed. the younger boy shakes his head. "no?" kihyun thinks again. "do you want a fruit smoothie then? i think i saw some bananas just now."

"strawberry..." changkyun mutters.

"strawberry smoothie? you have strawberries in the fridge?" changkyun nods. kihyun gives him another smile. "i'll be right back." then the older male wheels himself out the younger's room and goes straight into the kitchen.

he takes out the necessary ingredients all with a set mind of making it delicious enough for the younger boy to enjoy. ever since kihyun has been coming over he has been doing small things that he thinks might make the changkyun feel a little better. kihyun doesn't really know if the younger does feel any better considering he barely gives any reactions nowadays but that doesn't stop him from trying.

as kihyun is about to pour the finished smoothie into a cup he hears the familiar sound of the scrapping metal against the floor and it gets louder, approaching the kitchen. kihyun turns around to see changkyun coming into the kitchen.

changkyun now uses a foldable walker to help him move a little better considering his legs didn't heal as fast as his arm did. and although both minhyuk and shownu (and kihyun) did warn the younger about moving around too much, the younger boy all but listens; sometimes they don't even know if changkyun really do hear them and simply chooses to ignore their warnings or he simply is just so out of it that his focus is always somewhere else.

the bandage is still wrapped around the younger's head and it still extends all the way to his left ear but kihyun never had the guts to ask why. he knew that the young boy had a twisted wrist, a broken leg and broken ribs—he only knew that much and he assumes that that is all because really kihyun doesn't know how much guilt he is able to bear knowing changkyun has more than what he knows.

he knows he's only setting himself up for disappointment by assuming but kihyun hasn't seen any other signs that the younger might be experiencing any other injuries besides the ones he is aware of and so he is trying to keep a positive mindset about it.

when minhyuk had told kihyun that changkyun isn't the same, kihyun can only further agree to that as weeks have passed and changkyun may be healing physically but he isn't showing any improvements emotionally. and this scares kihyun because as the days go by he seems to no longer recognize the bubbly boy he once knew.

"hey, what are you doing? you're not supposed to be out of bed," kihyun says, immediately moving away from the kitchen counter to aid the younger. changkyun just shrugs as a response and continues pushing his walker to the counter. changkyun spots the ready-made smoothie in the blender and turns to look at kihyun.

"is something wrong, changkyun?" kihyun asks gently, coming closer to the young boy. changkyun blinks a few times before he hesitantly nods. "what is it?"

"h—hurts," changkyun says softly and kihyun catches it with his eyes widening. this immediately concerns the older male as he starts checking for places that the bandage isn't done right.

"where does it hurt, changkyunnie?" kihyun ask, heavy with concern. the boy stays silent as though he's contemplating if he should even say more at this point. kihyun notices the younger's hesitation and so he carefully brings a hand over the younger's and gently rubs it in reassurance. "please tell me."

"my he—head..." he stutters, leaving out the fact that his abdomen is throbbing and the ringing in his left ear keeps coming and going.

"you should've called me, changkyun, not just get out of bed like this. what if you hurt yourself?"

"s—so—sorry."

"hey~ it's okay. i'm not mad," kihyun instantly reassures with a small smile when the younger male's stutters got worse. changkyun's skeptical eyes that pools with fear look into kihyun's with a small frown, wondering how much of what he said is true. and kihyun sees this, taking immediate notice. "i promise, i'm not mad." changkyun doesn't respond at all but kihyun can see the younger' body relax a little which is a good sign.

"why don't you go back to your room and i'll bring your smoothie and the pain killers, yea?" changkyun nods then turns around and goes out of the kitchen.

as soon changkyun is out of sight, kihyun quickly pours the smoothie into a glass with a metal straw in it and goes to the bathroom where minhyuk had hidden the pain killer pills in a cabinet so changkyun wouldn't be able to find them.

he wheels himself into the room to see changkyun standing by his window, looking out of it.

there was a time where changkyun would see something more than plain colored skies, he used to want to appreciate the nature before him because he thinks it isn't appreciated enough; there was also a time where he didn't mind getting lost in careless thoughts about the surrounding world around him—he found that intriguing, interesting. but changkyun doesn't feel like himself—not anymore—and so he lost the spark of joy he used to get from these minuscular things.

it's almost like he doesn't even know the changkyun a few weeks ago.

before, the boy could muster a smile—however small it was, he could always smile—and now he's wondering how he had done that. how did he have the sheer energy to even give a mere second of illusion that he was somewhat content with his life? now, even when he wanted to fake that he is okay, he can't because not only is it physically obvious that he is anything but okay, changkyun is so emotionally wounded that he can't bring himself to fake a small, forced smile anymore.

"changkyun," kihyun calls. the said boy turns around to see kihyun holding the smoothie with the pain killers in his lap. "don't you want to sit down?" he asks as he wheels himself closer to the boy. changkyun shakes his head indicating _'no'_.

"do you—do you want to sit on—on my lap?" kihyun asks with hesitation. "it's better than standing up and—and it'll be easier for you to drink this."

the boy looks at him shortly before nodding his head. even if changkyun did still have his doubts about the older male he couldn't deny that he missed doing certain things with him. he missed how they were—he missed being happy, even if it was for a little while.

kihyun couldn't hide the wide smile on his face and it did warm the younger's heart a little as he witnesses the crinkle at the side of the elder's eyes as they disappear into a thin line.

kihyun holds the smoothie away and takes the pain killer packet off his lap. the younger boy moves to kihyun and thinks for a moment at how he would properly sit on the older's lap without causing any sort of pain. kihyun does see the boy's slight dilemma and so he goes to help. he places both the smoothie and pain killers on the table nearby and goes to the side of the boy, closer to his legs. he reaches his hand forward and changkyun almost instantly takes that hand and he wraps it around his neck carefully, beckoning for the boy to sit on his lap. changkyun slowly tightens his arm around kihyun's neck as he drags his body over to him, sitting on his lap finally.

kihyun smiles proudly at him and unconsciously takes the hand he was holding and plants a kiss on it. when kihyun realized what he had done he feels the heat rushing up to his cheek and he is positive that he is red enough to be known as aa tomato. what he didn't realize is that changkyun is blushing beet red as well. he tries to push aside the awkwardness by grabbing the smoothie at the table, handing it to changkyun before he takes out one pain killer and hands it to the younger. once the younger had downed the pill together with a large sip of the smoothie, kihyun keeps the rest into his pocket, remembering to place it back at the place minhyuk had hidden it.

once settled, he then wheels the both of them to the younger's window, thinking he would like to continue watching the view he was observing moments before. he sees that changkyun's full attention is on drinking the smoothie in his hand instead of the view outside and kihyun admits that he misses the younger's rambles about random facts about nature.

and he knows he is the one to blame.

it weights down on his chest heavily as the horrid words he had told the younger boy before would occasionally replay in his head. he knew he was a horrible dickhead and yet he had made a promise to himself that he would protect this boy from all the cruel there is in the world and yet he let his mind rule his heart, hurting the boy along the way. and kihyun will never be able to forgive himself; even if changkyun could find it somewhere in the depths of his kind heart to forgive kihyun, kihyun still wouldn't be able to forgive himself for the way he has treated changkyun.

kihyun subconsciously wraps his arms around the younger boy's waist, making sure not too put too much pressure since he knows about the bruising. changkyun all but notices this action as his sole focus is on the strawberry smoothie that he can't get enough of.

"do you like the smoothie?" kihyun asks softly as he fondly looks down at him. the boy nods without a single hesitation. kihyun smiles at him.

"you know, the other day i came across an article about the _nature satellite,_ " kihyun says, breaking the thick silence between them. the younger boy turns his head a little to look up at the older male. "apparently only the earth's _nature satellite_ is a permanent one and—"

" _natural satellite_ ," changkyun mumbles. kihyun stops and looks at the boy with a small frown of clear confusion.

"huh?"

"it's called a _natural satellite_ , hyung."

"oh.." kihyun smiles shyly. "sorry. the earth has a permanent _natural sate—_ wait do you know about this already?"

changkyun shakes his head. "no," he lies because he wants to hear kihyun talk about it.

even if changkyun knew about this fact he didn't have the heart to tell the older this; just like how he didn't have the heart to admit that talking about the solar system didn't interest him anymore—the thrill of finding out new things about the universe we all live in now seems like a stupid thing but he couldn't bring himself to say that.

and so the younger sighs quietly as he slowly leans his head (the one that is bandaged until his ear) against kihyun's chest where kihyun instinctively tightens his arms a little more protectively around the boy all while he hears kihyun speak about facts he was once interested in.


	56. Chapter 56

"i kept the ointment the same place i kept the pain killers," minhyuk tells kihyun once the wheelchaired-male had arrived to changkyun's house. minhyuk had taken changkyun to the hospital earlier today to get the bandage around his head (and ear) removed and he was telling kihyun about applying the antibiotic ointment on the stitches the doctor had made to prevent further infection.

"wait—wait—stitches?" kihyun asks, confused. minhyuk sighs heavily and nods to that.

"he had an open wound just near his left ear and he had to get stitches for that," minhyuk explains. kihyun feels his stomach sinking; his heart aches for all the suffering the boy has to endure and his fists itch to disfigure the people that ruined changkyun this badly. "and kihyun, he—" minhyuk stops almost instantly which immediately the other male's attention.

"what? tell me," he presses when he senses the hesitation from changkyun's brother.

"he—changkyun might be a little upset now so i just—yea, just wanted to let you know."

"you're lying."

"no, i'm not," minhyuk deadpans.

"i know changkyun's upset, minhyuk, he has been for the past weeks and it's only normal that he is. why can't you just tell me?"

"i'm not intentionally hiding things from you, kihyun. it's just hard to talk about some things and looking and changkyun's condition now—he—he didn't deserve all these at all. all he wanted was a normal life and some friends—" minhyuk says, wavering from the resurfacing emotions just thinking about his younger brother now.

"minhyuk—"

"no kihyun, you think changkyun was happy before this? you think he was ever okay?" minhyuk questions now with anger. even if kihyun has helped both him and shownu at times when they couldn't aid the younger boy he will never forget the things he had done to hurt changkyun. he couldn't forget his brother's cries, he couldn't forget his questions as to why people hated him. and he simply couldn't forget how utterly lifeless changkyun had become when kihyun had snapped at him.

even if minhyuk was grateful he still couldn't forgive kihyun.

"changkyun—changkyun faked smiles for us, you know that?" kihyun silences himself as he watches how minhyuk slowly falls apart once more after keeping it together for weeks; almost a whole month.

"i think you've forgotten this kihyun, but i told you before that changkyun may put on the brightest smile for all of us but deep down inside he is so wounded and _this—_ this whole incident just ruined whatever that is left of him. you don't think changkyun would tell me what you said to him that day? he cried for days because of you and he wonders up until now what he had done so wrong for his _friend_ to hate him so much," minhyuk sneers. "you think changkyun fucked up your life by being in it? no, you fucked up _changkyun's_ life by coming in it."

kihyun's grip on his wheelchair tightens with his eyes starting to gloss slowly. the guilt within his chest begins stirring creating a sticky lump that sticks in his chest all the way up to his throat because he suddenly couldn't find the voice to even defend himself. what can he say anyway? minhyuk was right.

"i know it's not entirely your fault that changkyun is the way he is now. those people wounded his body but _you_ wounded his heart and that is something i will never forgive you for."

even when kihyun knows all this first hand the sting of immense guilt that gets carved on his heart with every spitting word minhyuk speaks hurts so much more than the actual guilt he is feeling.

minhyuk can't forgive him and he can't forgive himself too.

kihyun can't even say he is sorry because how much of those four-lettered words can rectify their broken hearts? if anything it might only open the wounds in their hearts even more thinking where was this guilt before he committed his mistakes. and so he can only silently stay where he is with his head down, willing himself to keep his own tears in because he didn't deserve to cry.

minhyuk tries his best to recompose himself; he wipes the tears away and sniffles before his bloodshot gaze settles on the guilt-ridden male. heavily, he looks at his watch and sighs another time feeling reluctant to even go to work and leaving changkyun at kihyun's care but he has to because he didn't a choice if he were to support both him and his brother.

"changkyun's really upset now," minhyuk says, bringing kihyun's ashamed gaze up a little. "but please, please make sure he eats, at least a little. he hasn't eaten anything since i brought him back from the hospital. and please help him apply the ointment too." kihyun nods then silently watches minhyuk's reluctant steps walking out the house.

kihyun didn't dare go into changkyun's room, at least not for a while because of how ashamed he is. he takes him heavy breaths and exhaling them out while keeping his tears at bay. he couldn't go into the younger's room looking like an emotional mess all from his own guilt. the least he can do for the younger boy is to cheer him up even if it is a little. he knows that there might be a chance that the old changkyun would not be back but he didn't want to believe that it would stay that way forever—he doesn't know how he will live with himself knowing the bubbly boy who had always called his name with so much endearment will no longer hold the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about the things that interest him or he will no longer witness the small-dimpled smile of the younger boy that always warms his cold heart. he knew changkyun faked smiles, but he also knows that the smiles he and changkyun had shared together were genuine, it was real and bright.

after drinking a few glasses of water and much mental debate, kihyun decides to go check on the younger boy and to ask what he would like kihyun to cook for him for dinner. he keeps minhyuk's words in mind as he slowly wheels himself towards the younger's door.

habitually, he knocks on changkyun's door and waits for the younger's permission to enter. but after waiting for a good minute, kihyun frowns at the lack of response from the other end.

and so he knocks again.

still, nothing.

growing concerned kihyun prays as he turns the doorknob to changkyun's room and thanks to the heaven's above that it is opens. with his heart thumping hard against his chest, kihyun opens the door and almost immediately sighs out in relief when he sees changkyun leaned up against his bed frame with his earphones in watching something on his laptop.

kihyun could smile at the sight and especially in relief knowing that changkyun isn't harmed in any way but something felt off. he wonders why the boy never once answered to his knocks or why he hadn't taken notice of his presence yet. but he tries to quiet down his unnecessary worries thinking that changkyun is too engrossed with whatever it is he is watching.

"changkyun," kihyun calls, expecting the younger boy to look up as an instinctive response like he usually would, but changkyun just stays the way he is, eyes still glued to the screen before him. kihyun frowns at this unusual response. even if changkyun doesn't talk much now the young boy would still look his way when he is being called. yet now changkyun acts as though he didn't even hear a single thing.

kihyun can hear the muffled sounds of the show he is watching coming from the earphone which indicates how loud the boy must've put the volume on and so kihyun calls him another time with a raised voice. and still, changkyun doesn't look up.

"hey changkyun—" kihyun stops midway when he approaches changkyun to notice that the boy only had _one_ of his earphones in while the other dangles. when he gets closer he is able to see the stitches minhyuk was talking about and coincidentally it happened to be the same side changkyun had not put his other earphones in. kihyun didn't want to think the worst of the situation but he can't help himself when the pieces of his suspicions are slowly falling in place together.

"ch—changkyun..." he calls, loud enough for anyone who's only wearing one side of the earphone to hear. and his suspicions paint the full picture when changkyun didn't even move a single inch of his muscle to kihyun's call.

with a shaky hand, kihyun reaches forward to lightly tap changkyun to which he jumps a little in his bed and quickly takes out his earphone and places his laptop to the side, his face displayed on full surprise wondering when the wheel-chaired male had even entered his room.

"hyung?" the boy questions and the older male could hear the evident confusion in his tone.

"changkyun—didn't—didn't you hear me call you?" kihyun asks softly.

"s—sorry, hyung, i didn't hear you because i—i had my earphones on."

"changkyun, you—you only had one side of your earphones on..." the older male sees how pale the younger boy instantly goes when he realized what he had done. changkyun's eyes immediately start brimming with heavy, thick tears with his hands trembling and lips quivering. he never wanted the older male to know at least not this early; he still hadn't fully accepted the news himself, how was he supposed to tell kihyun?

"hy—hyun—hyung—" the boy stutters as a tear that clung onto his lashes falls down his cheek. kihyun wheels himself closer to changkyun and takes both his trembling hands, holding it tight with his own bloodshot eyes burning from the tears that are fighting to fall. the younger boy bites his lip to suppress the oncoming sobs but his tears only fall faster at that.

"chang—changkyun—i—it's not permanent, right? it'll heal—it'll heal then—then you can take these stitches off and—and—"

"hyu—hyung—" changkyun says, stopping kihyun by squeezing his hands tighter. the older male's desperate eyes look at changkyun who shakes his head, breaking his heart even more with this painful confirmation.

"no..."

"i can't—i can't hear with my left ear any—anymore, hy—hyung," changkyun tells him with his own heart bleeding painfully from the news he had just been told today.

"n—no..." kihyun says, barely even a whisper with his own tears falling now. "you—you—no—" changkyun only seems to cry harder as he watches the older male's speech become incoherent and he starts breaking down.

"hy—hyung~" changkyun calls as he brings his shaking palm up to kihyun's face to wipe the tears away but it was useless because seconds later new ones would fall. kihyun takes the hand on his cheek and holds it against his lip, placing desperate kisses on it a few times as he tries to let this sink it properly.

"can you—can you tell me one thing, ch—changkyun?" kihyun asks shakily as his blurred vision looks at the crying boy. changkyun nods his head profusely, hoping this one thing would make kihyun stop crying because it's only breaking changkyun's heart even more knowing the older male is crying for him. kihyun swallows down the lump in his throat as he musters the courage to ask this one question he promised himself he would never ask.

"if—would—would it make a difference if—if i didn't lash out on you that day?" kihyun can see the hesitation clouding in the younger's eyes and so kihyun squeezes both his hands, bringing the younger's gaze back to him. "please be honest," the older begs.

"hyung—i—i really didn't mean to be a burden—" kihyun instantly shakes his head as he chokes on a sob when changkyun utters the same words kihyun had spit to him. "i—i swear, i didn't mean to—i just—that day, all i wanted to ask was if—if i could—ask you—and, and your friends to—to accompany me to school be—because i made the bully at school mad and—and they said they would spare m—me if i called y—you guys... i just—i wanted it all to stop, hy—hyung, i really didn't mean to bother y—you, hyung—i—"

kihyun knows he didn't deserve to cry but right then and there where his heart is completely ripped out by guilt, he couldn't control the sobs that are heavily induced with remorse knowing he could've prevented all of this from happening if he had just listened to the boy at his doorstep that day.


	57. Chapter 57

"hyung," changkyun calls softly, and the older male hums as he turns to look at him, waiting for the boy to continue. "is minhyuk hyung cooking kimchi stew today?"

"i guess he is. can you smell it from here?" the boy nods his head to which kihyun chuckles. kihyun's heart lightens seeing as changkyun is slowly talking a little more than he used to and although the old changkyun isn't back a hundred percent, this small progress is all kihyun can ever hope for.

changkyun grabs his walker that's by his bedside and attempts to stand properly. he then pushes himself over to kihyun who's by changkyun's study table, studying for an upcoming test. kihyun had the option to go home once minhyuk had arrived home but he didn't want to leave the younger's side (at least not until he decides to sleep). with every possible waking moment has that isn't taken up by his classes he wants to spend it with changkyun—even if it means in the end not healing the damage he had done, he just wants to be there for him at least.

when kihyun hears the familiar scrape of metal on the wooded-floor he looks over his shoulder and frowns a little, watching the younger boy push himself towards him.

"changkyun, i told you not to walk around."

"i'm—i'm fine hyung," the boy says as he stops just beside kihyun to see what he's doing. his analytical eyes scan over the older's notes with piqued curiosity, reading it partially while having his own questions squirming in his head. "what's _social psychology_ , hyung?" changkyun questions as he still looks through the notes.

"it basically studies how human being's actions are influenced by the actual, imagined, and implied presence of others," kihyun explains. changkyun's forehead creases, almost like he had tasted something bitter just from hearing that.

"that sounds boring..."

kihyun chuckles another time before he pats his lap, beckoning the younger boy to sit on. changkyun doesn't hesitate as he slowly limps over to kihyun and carefully sits on his lap, the older male instantly locking his waist with his non-dominant arm.

"i suppose it does sound boring, but it's interesting to learn why people act a certain way based on their surroundings. most people's responses are based on conforming to their surroundings even when they are uncomfortable in that given situation and yet the same people would have a totally different response when they're alone." kihyun looks down to see the younger boy's eyes widen with immense interest as he intently listens to every single word he said.

"did i lose you along the way, changkyunnie?" kihyun asks when the boy doesn't respond. the said boy shakes his head.

"it's just—it's amazing that you're studying that."

kihyun's heart stutters with sheer endearment for the boy in his lap. he knew moments with changkyun is precious but he comes to realize that every new time—every new day—these moments just get more and more heartwarming that kihyun melts internally, holding himself back from literally kissing changkyun out of pure affection and love.

"i—i hope—i'm not bothering, hyung... i'm s—sorry if—"

"you're not bothering, i promise," kihyun tells him with a soft smile. the boy nods and slowly relaxes in kihyun's hold as he plans to watch the older male study because really he has nothing more interesting going on in his life.

with the boy's head fully turned to the front, kihyun's eyes can't help but look over at the healing scar where the stitches are and his chest tightens. he feels queasy all over and the will to cry once again is strong thinking about how this precious boy isn't going to be able to hear from his left ear ever again.

he remembers how hard the both of them cried where changkyun held kihyun and kihyun held onto changkyun like his life depended on it. he fears that if he loosens his grip even an ounce then something much worst would happen to him. this only makes kihyun hate himself even more.

his ripped heart beats for this boy but at the same time, it bleeds for him as well.

he remembers how changkyun tried coaxing the older male, whispering sweet words into his ears even when he didn't deserve the reassurance. changkyun needed the reassurance, not the guilt-ridden asshole. and when kihyun had calmed down a little it was his turn to coax the younger boy who finally lets it all sink in; the boy's body trembled, his sobs were loud and painful that it only tears kihyun's heart even more.

jooheon's words would occasionally taunt him but what really haunts him was the response he gave. he remembers it as clear as day; he didn't mean it at all, he just said it on the spur of the moment and yet here they were—here he is, crying for the boy he almost lost.

kihyun couldn't hold himself back; he leans forward to place a gentle kiss on the skin right above the stitches, close to the defected ear. changkyun feels the warm pair of lips touch his cold skin which sends the sudden erupt of butterflies in his stomach with a chill running down his spine. he didn't mind it—he liked it. but it also sends a wave of emotions through changkyun, ones that burn his eyes. the boy exhales sharply before he leans in closer to kihyun, having his back resting against the left side of the older's chest, wanting to bask in his safe arms to which the older male complies by making sure the lock around his waist is fastened by his non-dominant arm securely.

the older male gets on his work all while he holds changkyun tight and close to him. the younger boy intently watches kihyun writing one moment before the next he plays with their intertwined hands, mindlessly minding his own business.

everything was going well, calmly normal—that is until they hear a loud crash coming from the living room that caused the boy in kiyun's lap to jump a little before both their heads snap towards the direction of the door. seconds later they can hear minhyuk shouting; his words are muffled but it's loud enough to know that the matter he's arguing about is serious. changkyun fearfully turns to look at kihyun.

"hy—hyung..." kihyun holds onto one of changkyun's hand and gently caresses it, calming the younger boy down.

"i'll go and see, okay?" changkyun tightens his hold onto the older's hand and profusely shake his head. "hey~ it'll be okay."

"the first people to die in horror movies are the ones that are trying to be heroic," changkyun babbles and kihyun stares at the boy with widened eyes and gaping mouth.

"you watch too much horror films," kihyun concluded whilst shaking his head. the boy whines and leans his head back against the older, preventing him from moving at all. "changkyun~"

"hyung, let's just wait—"

they hear minhyuk shout another time which silences the both of them for a good second.

"maybe we should just wait," the boy suggests after a while.

"i should go and check to see if minhyuk is really okay. it won't take long."

"then i want to follow too!"

"changkyun~"

"please hyung. i'll stay back," changkyun promises with his innocent eyes getting bigger as he begs. kihyun groans in defeat because really how can he have the pure heart to say _'no'_ to this precious boy. kihyun mumbles a _'fine'_ and changkyun satisfyingly gets off kihyun's lap with the support of the foldable walker nearby, slowly pulling his whole body up, standing straight.

kihyun wheels himself out of changkyun's room with the younger boy follows suit just behind him a few paces back and immediately he is able to feel the thick tension in the air.

"—not discussing about the wedding," kihyun hears minhyuk bellowing back in rage. he stops himself by the entrance of the hallway to find minhyuk and his parents nearby the entrance of the kitchen; and it's pretty clear that it's a heated argument.

"minhyuk, there's only a few months left before your wedding," mrs im tries to reason with her son who looks anything but please at the moment. "what will shownu say about this, huh? he must've at least brought up about that—that _boy_." the fact that so much venom drips out of that woman's mouth when she talks about changkyun, her own flesh and blood son, boils within kihyun. he never liked them, this only fuels his hatred more.

"we're taking custody over changkyun," minhyuk straight up tells them.

"excuse me?" mr im interjects now with a deep frown.

"shownu and i have talked; we will be taking custody over chankgyun once we're married." mr im scoffs out loud at that, almost like he had heard the most ridiculous joke.

"you both can't be serious."

"and why wouldn't we be?"

"because that _boy_ will ruin your life just like he's done with ours. you've seen how we were before he came, we were happy. everything was fucking miserable the moment he showed up!"

"dad!" minhyuk screams in disbelief, hearing these vile words about his brother who had come close to doing nothing at all for them to hate him this much. "talking so illy about changkyun is one thing, but how can the both of you come here and talk about my wedding when changkyun has been injured badly."

"if you keep thinking about that _boy_ he might just postpone your whole wedding," his mother says.

"well then, maybe i will postpone my wedding! i will not have my wedding unless changkyun is able to attend it perfectly healed."

this seems to enrage both his parents with his father stepping up closer to minhyuk. but minhyuk doesn't back down, not this time, with his own shoulders held high ready to defend his brother.

"don't you see how this _boy_ is ruining your future?"

"he has a name," minhyuk seethes. "stop referring to him like he's some stranger. he is _your_ flesh and blood son."

"don't remind us of _that_ mistake. if it weren't for his grandparents, he wouldn't even be here. now look, he's making people miserable," his mother spits, her disgusted gaze catches changkyun's timid ones and she scoffs at his pathetic state, immediately looking away from the utter embarrassment she feels.

"how is any of this his fault?"

"you're right, it isn't," the mother corrects her sentence. "it's ours. we should've gotten rid of him when we had the chance before all of these happened."

kihyun had enough hearing all these cruel words being thrown around simply like as though changkyun didn't have his own heart already shattered to begin with. kihyun, blooming with anger, wheels forward towards the two adults who immediately takes notice of him.

"how can you say something like that!" the wheel-chaired male yells. minhyuk jumps and turns around to see both kihyun and changkyun standing a little far back this whole time and his expression falters as he watches changkyun silently breaks down alone.

"kihyun—" minhyuk tries to appease because he can understand the male's anger but kihyun is too far gone into his own rage.

"no minhyuk, how dare they! they're his parents too! how can you both talk about your own son like that!"

"who are you to get involve in our family matters?" the father seethes.

minhyuk blocks out his father's words and focuses on kihyun who is obviously blinded with heavy anger. he bends down a little and pleads with his eyes. "please take changkyun inside," minhyuk tells him.

"minhyuk, but they—"

"please. i don't want him to hear more."

when kihyun turns behind him that's when he remembered that the younger boy had followed him and he had completely forgotten about him when he was too engrossed in the argument in front of him.

changkyun seems to be in his own world, the boy isn't crying out loud but his tears are falling and kihyun can see his lightly trembling hands gripping onto the walker tight to keep him steady. changkyun's gaze trains on the floor beneath him as the words of his parents replays in his head. this breaks kihyun's heart.

"please," minhyuk begs and he didn't need to be told twice.

kihyun goes to changkyun almost immediately. the boy only ever got out of his daze when he feels kihyun's hand squeezing his own and that's when the teared-gaze focuses on kihyun. he sees all the mixed emotions but the one that stands out the most is how utterly broken the boy is. the boy's lips quiver as they part, him wanting to say something but he doesn't know what exactly without having to break down right then and there.

"come on," kihyun tells the boy softly and changkyun complies silently. they didn't hear anything—not until they shut the door, and that's when the screaming starts all over again.

changkyun quietly moves his own way to his bed where he sits down and pushes the foldable walker to the side.

"i'm so sorry you had to hear that," kihyun apologizes. changkyun sighs then seconds later shakes his head.

"they're not wrong, hyung," the boy mumbles and kihyun thinks he misheard it and so he wheels himself in front of changkyun whose gaze never once looked up at him since they got into his room.

"what?"

"they're not wrong..." the boy repeats.

"no changkyun don't listen to them. they're horrible people."

changkyun looks up to kihyun but it breaks the older's heart even more to see him _smiling_. it is obvious that the smile is composed of sadness and pain and that there is not a single trace of happiness.

"changkyun—" kihyun wants to approach him closer, he wants to tell him that he shouldn't—that he didn't have to fake smiles for anyone anymore because it'll only hurt him more when he strains his emotional appearance to look the complete opposite of how he is inside; shattered.

"if they were horrible people they would treat minhyuk the same too," the young boy tells him, still with that broken smile on and kihyun can slowly see the build-up of tears brimming in his eyes. "they're good people. it's just—it's just me—i'm the problem."

kihyun immediately grabs both of changkyun's hand and holds it tight, making sure the boy never loses his gaze with him.

"hey, hey, no. don't say that."

"its okay, hyung. only a few more months," changkyun reassures. "everyone—everyone will be happy in a few more months."

kihyun frowns at that, trying to understand what the boy is saying. then it hits him— _minhyuk's wedding._

it's easy to overlook the double meaning behind what changkyun had said. it is minhyuk's wedding but kihyun also remembers the letters changkyun wrote, the things he had told him, what he plans to do after minhyuk's wedding and this scares him.

changkyun isn't wrong; yes, everyone will be happy when minhyuk and shownu get married. but kihyun knows what the younger means and it is certainly not the wedding.

"changkyun, please, think about it," kihyun begs as his own eyes slowly start to fill up. the older male feels as useless as ever. he wrecks his brain desperately, trying to think of ways—reasons even to give the younger boy but he's blank. he's so consumed with his emotions that all kihyun can think about is what he'll do if changkyun really goes.

"this is—this is not the way."

"you'll be happy too, hyung,"changkyun says instead which shatters kihyun's heart; it's almost like the boy barely heard what he said.

"changkyun, no. there's—there are other ways. i—"

the boy leans forward and gently wipes away a tear that had fallen on kihyun's cheek that he hadn't even realized. and changkyun smiles—this time it is a genuine smile that scares kihyun even more because it only shows that nothing will truly change the boy's mind. changkyun is certain that everyone _will_ be happy when he's gone. but he's wrong.

"you don't have to cry like this anymore when i'm gone, hyung," the boy tells him. the hand that's holding onto the boy trembles as more tears stream down his face. "it'll be okay, you won't be tied down to me. just a few months and that will pass by fast."

kihyun can only shake his head profusely. "stop talking like that—please."

 _'...you'll realize what you've really lost and that's when crying over him will be pointless';_ these words will forever haunt him as in this situation, kihyun has never felt anymore helpless in his life. 


	58. Chapter 58

kihyun feels a light tug by his sleeve which he chooses to ignore and turns his head the other way, finding a much comfortable position with his arms substituting as pillows. he feels another tug on the same sleeve and this time he groans, turning his head back to the original position and opening his eyes a little to see the younger boy on his walker, looking at him. kihyun instantly sits upright and yawns. he momentarily looks around and remembers that he's still at changkyun's room.

"changkyunnie?" kihyun question as he stretches his arms and his stiff back before relaxing on his wheelchair.

"you'll—you'll hurt your back, hyung, if you sleep like that," the boy tells him softly.

"i'm fine, changkyun, don't worry," the older male reassures. "is there something you need? do you need pain killers?" changkyun shakes his head. "can't sleep?" the boy hesitates, but he nods nonetheless moments later.

"sorry..." the boy apologizes with his head lowered. kihyun gently hooks his finger under the other's chin lifts it up to meet his soft gaze.

"hey now, why are you apologizing?"

"i disturbed you. you—you can sleep on my bed, hyung. i don't think i'll be able to sleep for a while."

"how about we go for a walk?" kihyun suggests instead. changkyun's eyes widen a little as he tilts his head. it has been so long since the both of them went for their usual walk together—not since they grew distant. the boy looks over at his clock and frowns a little: **02:47 a.m.**

"this late?"

"we won't go far—just a few houses down and back. you can sit on my lap the whole way, i don't mind."

it didn't take long for kihyun to convince changkyun. he did tell the younger boy to put on a warmer jacket since he knows how easily cold changkyun can get. once all set, changkyun carefully sits on kihyun's lap and he wheels them both quietly out of the house making dure not to wake minhyuk up.

when they moving along the street that's only accompanied by the light of streetlights and music of cicadas from afar, changkyun smiles. he remembers the time when they did the exact same thing where it was only them accompanied by their own small talks and careless laughter. his stomach does sink thinking of those memories, wondering how things have took such a dramatic turn for them to end up the way they are now.

changkyun exhales heavily before he leans against kihyun's chest where he feels the older male plants a short peck on top of his head before resting his chin.

"i missed this, hyung," changkyun admits. kihyun sighs sadly.

"i missed this too," the older says. "and i—i missed you too." changkyun doesn't reply to that because he doesn't know how to. instead, he leans into the older male's chest more, having a weak hold against his shirt.

changkyun did miss his old self too and yet he didn't feel like going back to the way he was. he figured there was too much that was wrong with him before; people hated the mere guts of this boy for being the way he was and maybe that's why he didn't want to go back. he will be better—he tells himself at least. he will fix himself so that he will not annoy as many people as he did before.

and changkyun keeps this to himself, buried deep within his wounded heart and buzzing mind where nobody can scavenge to find.

"i heard you'll be able to walk without the walker in a few days once the doctor takes these cast and bandages out," kihyun says, breaking the silence between them.

"yea..." the boy mumbles.

"i—i guess this would be the right time to tell you then."

this immediately catches the younger boy's attention as his head snaps up to see kihyun. by this point kihyun had stopped moving the both of them; they are only a few houses away from their own and it's bright enough for them to see each other. and the expression kihyun gives the younger, changkyun didn't like it at all because he gives him a smile— a sad smile.

kihyun lets go of his wheels and takes the younger's freezing hand into his, warming it along the way as his own gaze never once left the younger's who's silently pleading him to stop the suspense that's making his heart beat painfully hard against his chest.

"i know by this point my sorrys are pretty much meaningless. i've apologized so many times and i've promised you so many things that i've ended up breaking. and i truly understand changkyun if there's even an inch of you that really hates me because truthfully i hate myself for all the pain that i've caused you." kihyun brings one of his hands to the younger's cheek and gently caresses it keeping in mind that this might be the only night he's able to do this again.

"you're so precious, you know that? i'm sorry you had to meet someone like me who only made your life so much harder than it already is. you really do deserve so many good things and i hope someday you will find and meet good people who will cherish you better than me, or your parents or people in this sick town can ever do. please don't give up so soon. wait a little while more and see that someone will love you for who you are."

"why—why does it sound like a goodbye?" the boy asks sadly. kihyun gives him another sad smile and changkyun hates this, he hates how the older male isn't telling him that he's wrong, that's he's misinterpreting whatever he is saying.

"hyung..." changkyun instantly holds onto the one hand that is still on his, clutching it tightly.

"can i kiss you?" kihyun asks softly.

"w—what?"

this takes the younger boy completely aback as he stares dumbfounded at the older male who looks anything but jokingly at him. his smile is so tender now, so endearing and his eyes just gleam with fondness that changkyun can only moments later realize that kihyun indeed did ask if he could kiss him—and it is far from a sick joke.

"i owe some honesty, changkyun-ah," kihyun starts, sighing a little. "it took me a while to come to terms with what i'm about to say because i've been in such a deep hole of denial this whole time."

changkyun bites his lower lip and his grip on the older's hand tightens as he anticipates what kihyun has to say to him.

"you know, i hated jooheon—not for who he is but for how he was treating _you_." changkyun lets out a soft gasp as he tries to wrap his head around that. "i hated how he was able to treat you so good, so much better than i could ever do. i hated how he could protect you when the time is needed and i just—i hated that he was the reason you were smiling. i didn't realize it before but when i did i got angry—i got angry at _myself_ for even thinking such things. i was angry at myself for even caring that much for how one person treated you—a _guy_.

"i'm not homophobic, i swear. i was always okay with hyungwon and wonho or other same-sex couples. but i dont know—when it came to me i didn't know how to feel. i started feeling different around you; somehow you always manage to make me smile so much, my heart would always beat so much faster when i'm with you and the things i started to feel—i have never felt that with anyone especially not with a guy. i was afraid."

"so it's, my fault?" changkyun's gaze lowers shamefully but kihyun catches him, lifting it back up where he shakes his head before leaning in to kiss his temple.

"it was never your fault; it was mine because i—because i refused to acknowledge my feelings. i refused to accept the fact that i like guys. all these while i was so confident that i was ever only straight but i—maybe that's why i cowardly ran away when i realized _i like you_ , chankgyun. i should've confronted you but instead, i distanced myself and i hurt you thinking all these would go away eventually."

the younger boy is as speechless as ever with his heart rate only escalating more and more and he wonders in this silent street is kihyun able to hear it thumping against his chest?

"changkyun-ah, i like you and the thing is i like you a little more than a friend should and i owe you this much honesty. so, when i asked if i could kiss you, i mean can i kiss you—on the lips? just this one time."

changkyun just stares, mouth gaping open as he wrecks his brain for the right response—yes? no? i don't know? or should he just be frank and tell kihyun that he doesn't even know the first basis of kissing.

"hey~" kihyun calls gently as he rubs his thumb on the younger's cheek, bringing him out of his daze. "if you don't want to—"

"y—yes," changkyun interjects.

"yes?" kihyun confirms. and changkyun nods, not trusting that he'll say something stupid if he did open his mouth this time.

changkyun sees how the older male brings both his hands up to gently cup his cheeks and that's when he takes a deep breath. kihyun's eyes focus on the younger boy as he slowly leans in before he closes them when their lips touch. the boy visibly freezes on kihyun's lap, feeling lost and inexperienced with the whole situation but kihyun reassures him with his light touches, silently coaxing the boy by caressing his cheeks as he starts moving his lips on changkyun's. the younger boy relaxes a little as he tries to mimic the way kihyun's mouth moves against his. and changkyun follows slowly. with this little found confidence, the boy reaches forward to place both his hands on kihyun's chest, pulling him closer into him which makes kihyun kiss the boy deeper.

eventually, they had to pull away which leaves both of them panting against each other's foreheads. kihyun sees how swollen the younger's lips have gotten from this one kiss and he smiles, leaning in to peck the red lips one last time before his gaze settles on changkyun who's eyes are slowly tearing now.

"shh~ why are you crying?" kihyun asks softly just as a tear slides down changkyun's cheek. kihyun catches that teardrop with his thumb before it reached his chin and he wipes the boy's eyes dry from the other tears that are threatening to fall.

"hy—hyung—" the boy stutters, gripping kihyun's shirt tight in his hold as fresh tears make their way down changkyun's cheek which only breaks kihyun's heart.

"changkyunnie, baby, please. i hate seeing you cry," kihyun says while he tries to wipe away his cheek dry once again.

"hyung, what—what if i told you—that—that i like you too?" and kihyun swears his heart stuttered hearing these words. "you—you won't l—leave me, right? i like you, hyung. i like you, too!" changkyun desperately confesses, pleading with his tear-filled eyes at the older male.

"changkyun-ah, you will find someone so much better than me, trust me."

"but i—i don't want other peo—people," the boy tells him. "i forgive you, hyung."

"changkyun—"

"please, hyung. don't leave me."

"you deserve better."

"you were afraid," changkyun says. "i—i understand why you did what you did, hyung, even if it did hurt, i understand." changkyun brings one of his hand up to cup kihyun's cheek. "i like you, hyung, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"i—changkyun, of course it does!" kihyun immediately replies. "it—it means so much." changkyun leans his forehead against the older once more and lightly nudges his nose with kihyun's, never loosening his grip on the older's shirt. "i really am sorry, changkyun. i never meant to hurt you and i will never hurt you like that again."

"i know, hyung. i know," changkyun whispers faintly. kihyun sighs before he pulls away to look at the younger boy.

"be mine?" kihyun proposes.

changkyun blinks and blinks and he sees the small smile etched on kihyun's lips as his endearing eyes stare at him, waiting for his response. changkyun's eyes fill once more and for the first time in a long while the tears aren't induced with sadness or any sort of pain. it's this warm feeling that slowly spreading all throughout changkyun's chest, a feeling he hasn't felt in so long.

"re—really?" kihyun leans forward to give the boy's lips another peck.

"will you be mine, changkyunnie?"

and changkyun cries but this time it doesn't worry kihyun because he knows why; it's due to the overwhelming emotions the younger's feeling at the moment, all his insecurities resurfacing. all his life he's been put down and the idea of someone loving him was always ridiculed by other people so much so that changkyun truly believed no one would ever come close to loving him and that the most love he was ever going to get were from minhyuk and shownu. yet now, in the arms of the man his heart had secretly beat for, changkyun learns that he feels the same way as he does which almost feels too surreal.

so, kihyun understands.

kihyun leans down once more and captures the boy's lips to which changkyun almost immediately kisses back with tears still streaming down. kihyun makes sure to pour all his affection into this one kiss, letting the boy know that he's got him and he will cherish him with all he has. 


	59. Chapter 59

changkyun wakes up the next morning with an unfamiliar feeling stuck on his chest from such a familiar presence. his eyes flutter a few times before they adjust to the sleeping male right next to him, having one of his arms over the younger's waist and his grip is tight as ever even when he's in deep slumber. changkyun instantly blushes at how close both he and kihyun are; their nose touching and their lips only inches apart. his gaze subconsciously drops to the older's lips and changkyun turns bright red remembering how the both of them had shared kisses only a few hours ago.

the boy had been this close to kihyun a few times but all those moments were just friendly, now it's almost hard for him to keep his beating heart at bay. changkyun leans back a little to admire kihyun's face up close. he traces the older's distinctive features from the slight frown in his eyebrows to his eyes to the slope at the bridge of his nose and then to the small pout on his lips when he sleeps.

 _this dream is so sweet_ , changkyun thinks. and he wishes for it to last.

it's too surreal having someone hold him this close, having someone call him theirs, having someone who actually wants to be with him. changkyun does brace for the moment where kihyun would walk out only to tell him that the words of the night before were just to console his bleeding heart. he waits, and yet the moments only get sweeter.

_is that possible? how real is this?_

he wonders if the feeling of kihyun holding him is just a figment of his hungry imagination where he had been craving for some kind of love or affection from someone—anyone, really—that he manages to create the exact feeling of being held in real life.

what if kihyun holding him isn't all that real?

the boy lifts his hand up to gently cup the older's cheek where he does brace himself for disappointment. but he holds kihyun's cheek in his hand and his heart stutters. it's real—he's real and the boy can't help but tear up lightly from this sudden burst of euphoria within him. changkyun didn't want to let him go and so he gently moves his thumbs over the older's cheekbone, stroking affectionately as he watches him sleep. kihyun groans a little in his sleep before he snuggles against the younger's affection action, sighing in content.

not too long after the older male stirs a little in his sleep before he opens his eyes and instantly smiles at the sight of the younger boy still next to him. changkyun can't help but smile as well, watching how kihyun's eyes flutter shut once more but the grip around his waist tightens as he pulls him closer to the older's body.

"good morning, changkyunnie," kihyun greets, voice hoarse from sleep.

"morning, hyung," the boy greets back softly. kihyun brings his own hand to caress over the younger's cheek now, being sure to be careful at the place where the stitches were just removed. 

"i hope you slept well." the boy nods against his hand and kihyun smiles even more. he then leans in kisses the boy's forehead to which the heat shoots straight up to changkyun's ear, making the tip of it red. "i see my baby's shy," kihyun teases and changkyun can only whine from utter embarrassment because he doesn't which one is making him redder; the fact that kihyun notices his blushing red cheeks or the fact that kihyun had just called him _'baby'_.

"adorable," kihyun mutters.

the boy stares up at kihyun, watching the older male smile so much at his mere presence and he feels all these small affectionate gestures towards him; the light kisses, the small touches, and sweet words. he'd never thought this part of happiness would ever be open to him.

"is there something on my face, baby?" kihyun questions as he pushes the younger's hair out of his eyes.

"you're my boyfriend..." the boy breathes out in sheer disbelief. kihyun chuckles at that, nuzzling his nose with changkyun.

"i suppose i am."

"do you—do you want me to be your boyfriend?" chankgyun asks meekly but the older catches the doubt laced with sadness behind the younger's voice.

"i wouldn't have asked you to be mine if i didn't want you to be my boyfriend," kihyun tells him, giving him a sincere smile and yet the boy frowns a little.

"are you sure, hyung? you c—can back out now so—"

kihyun stops him by tipping his head up and kissing the boy on the lips. changkyun gasps into the kiss but he is quick to get lost in the slow movements and addictive taste of the older's lips. he tries to remember the way he kissed the older hours before and follows it with the way kihyun kisses him as he kisses back. when kihyun pulls away he gives the younger's lip another peck then pecks his nose.

"i'm not backing out," kihyun tells him. "i'm not letting you go, changkyun. i've done that once and god, do i hate myself for ever doing that." the boy pouts, unable to give a response to the older's answer. kihyun cooes at him. "does _my baby_ have any more doubts?"

"st—stop calling m—me _that_ ," changkyun whines into kihyun's chest.

"what—stop calling you _'baby'_? do you not like it?"

"i—hyung, my cheeks are so hot right now..." the boy mumbles, and kihyun lets out a hearty laugh at that.

"fuck, how can you get any more adorable than this?" the boy grumbles and hides his face between his palms, feeling the warmth from his cheek seep through his cold hands. kihyun uses one of his hands to pry the younger's hand away from his face then show him his toothy smile.

"you're hands are freezing, changkyunnie!" kihyun immediately puts it in front of his lips and blows warm air onto them. changkyun watches how the older male tries to warm his two hands intently without missing the chance to place faint kisses here and there.

"hyung, i have one more question."

"sure baby, go ahead," kihyun beckons making sure to kiss his forehead too. another instant rush of heat flushes towards the younger's cheeks before he composes himself properly.

"was—was the kiss okay?" the younger asks and the older looks at him slightly confused. "i've never kissed anyone before so i'm not sure if—oh gosh!" changkyun stops himself when he really thinks about the question. "hyung—just—just nevermind. please ignore what i said."

kihyun hums slightly, frowning a little as though he is thinking hard about the kisses they have shared so far. he knew that the younger was inexperienced but he wouldn't have known that he was changkyun's first kiss from the first time their lips meet. he didn't feel the fireworks everyone would ramble about and how 'magical' one would feel when they kiss the person they truly like. and he will be honest, changkyun isn't his first kiss, but sharing his kiss with changkyun was definitely special; it felt intimate and innocent almost where he gets the sense of vulnerability not only from changkyun but also from his own self.

before this, kihyun felt the need to dominate, he thinks the _rougher_ ones kiss is the better the pleasure would be. he learns now that it just has to be with the right person. when he kissed changkyun he didn't feel the need to be better or to put up a much stronger front to show who's dominant, it's almost like they understood each other—they are equal with equal needs to want to feel affection from each other.

he felt his heart leaped—it mayhaps skipped a beat even—and the butterflies that flutter in his stomach throughout that moment tells him that he didn't need fireworks; instead, having the younger boy in his grasp, kissing him gently and feeling the younger's need, those were enough for him to get dizzy from intoxication filled with the mere love he feels for changkyun.

"hm..." kihyun thinks playfully. "i was distracted during all the times we've kissed. let's see..."

kihyun cups the younger's cheek once more then he leans in to fit his lips with changkyun's. the boy always starts unsurely, barely moving along to kihyun's mouth but once he gets the sense of familiarity changkyun leans in closer and kisses back. kihyun slowly moves his hand away from the younger's cheek to place it on his waist, pulling the boy's body closer to him. when the older male lightly caresses the younger's waist, changkyun starts giggling a little from the tickling sensation and god did kihyun's heart burst right then and there to feel the younger's giggles right between his lips. he didn't stop, he tickles the boy a little more that he's full-on smiling into the kiss now as he tries to push kihyun's hand away.

"hy—hyung~"

"are you sure i was your first kiss?" kihyun teases, lightly brushing the younger's now swollen lips.

"you tickled me on purpose! you know i'm ticklish, hyung," the boy complains, hitting kihyun's arm. the older male lets out another hearty laugh as he brings the comforter over them once more to wrap them warmly together. "did you also purposely say that you _'were distracted'_ so you could kiss me again?"

"maybe," kihyun answers with a sly smile. changkyun turns another darker shade of red, whining into kihyun's chest as the older male holds him tight in his embrace.

but changkyun loves this; he loves the feeling of his cheeks hurting from smiling too much and he loves feeling the warm security enveloping him tight. he loves the feeling of actually being wanted by someone and to feel actual affections, affections he once watched other people receive, the same affections that were once told to him that he will never receive. 


	60. Chapter 60

when kihyun had been waiting for the door to open he had not expected to be confronted by minhyuk so abruptly and that too straightforward.

"changkyun told me about the two of you," minhyuk straight out tells kihyun when he opens the door. minhyuk comes out and closes the door behind him with his arms crossed strictly against his chest.

it's almost like kihyun has lost his ability to speak after this.

the wheel-chaired male had been meaning to tell minhyuk about the both of them but he simply couldn't find the right words to begin with and knowing that minhyuk quite literally hates every single one of his guts, an apology isn't exactly the way to go either.

and it seems pretty obvious that minhyuk isn't too fond of the idea of both changkyun and kihyun being together as portrays cleary in minhyuk's expression as of now.

"minhyuk—" kihyun tries to start but is quickly cut by the said male himself who's frown only deepens and his face turning slightly red.

"why _you_?" minhyuk questions, clearly disappointed. all kihyun can really do is lower his head in shame because he understands what minhyuk is trying to say—a dick like him going out with his younger brother? anyone's older sibling would disagree; heck, even kihyun would hate that!

"fuck kihyun, i didn't think the things happening to changkyun can get any worse," minhyuk says, dripping with heavy despise and this hurts kihyun, hearing the painful truth but he has no right to defend himself. it's his fault that he had painted this tainted picture of himself out to everyone. it's no one else but him to blame that people hate his character because even now the characters kihyun used to take pride in, he's hating each one of them as well, cursing at himself for not changing for the better when he saw his window of opportunity to with the younger boy.

"you put me in the most difficult situation, you know that? you—you put me in a place where i literally can't do anything without hurting changkyun anymore than he already is now. i hate you, kihyun, i really do, and i wanted to distance the both of you once changkyun was fully healed but now—fuck!" minhyuk curses out loud in sheer frustration. he is as lost as ever. "i can't even do that because if i keep you two away it'll only break changkyun's heart and i—i can't do that. i can't watch my baby suffer anymore. i can't do that to him."

kihyun can't say anything because no words can really console minhyuk at this point. he hadn't meant to put him in this situation.

kihyun did have countless nights the first few weeks once changkyun was discharged to think about both of them. he had come to terms with the fact that he likes changkyun a whole lot more than he realizes but he also knows that the likelihood of the younger boy liking him then could be slim to none; so he had made the decision to leave him (on good terms this time) knowing that changkyun deserves a much better companion than he could ever be. he had it planned that he would confess and leave. it was going as planned—until changkyun confessed as well and kihyun is left blank. he had not foreseen this and he tried to push the boy away, trying to show changkyun that his worth is so much more than with a guy like kihyun. and yet the boy begged, even cried for him.

that's when kihyun became selfish.

he wanted to be the reason why the boy smiled. he wanted to keep him close to forever feel the warmth in his chest and the stutter in his heart. he wanted to hear the reasons behind his smiles and tears. he wants to protect, to kiss him, to shower him with love. he became greedy because he didn't want to go back to the life he was living before. this young boy brought so much warmth to his cold life that the thought of letting him go did hurt because he deserved so much better but now that he has a grasp on him, kihyun will do anything to keep him close.

"i—i really don't know what to say to you," minhyuk tells him honestly, sounding so defeated. kihyun lifts his shameful gaze up to those tearful ones of minhyuk's. the older male is clearly tired and he is so lost not knowing how to handle the situation before him without hurting changkyun anymore. "if i tell you not to break his heart again will you even listen this time?"

"i—i know—that saying s—sorry is useless now—"

"you're right," minhyuk snaps almost instantly. "saying 'sorry' doesn't mean shit to me now. will sorry bring my old changkyunnie back? will sorry make him forget all those hurtful words you've said to him? can your stupid sorrys ever come close to fixing changkyun's broken heart?"

 _it couldn't_ , kihyun answers mentally and this only breaks his heart further. the word 'sorry' itself seems to have lost it's meaning when uttered by him.

minhyuk ends up sighing defencelessly. "but changkyun likes _you—_ a fucking idiot—and i can't do anything about that, unfortunately. go, changkyun needs you right now."

kihyun can only bow his head with gratitude for even giving him this chance and he does feel bad because he is only able to do this since minhyuk is defenseless himself. minhyuk opens the door and lets the wheel-chaired male in first and kihyun waste no more time to quickly wheel himself to changkyun's room. kihyun knocks on the door a couple of times before turning the knob, pushing the door to open.

the older male confusedly looks at the younger boy who didn't respond whatsoever to his call. changkyun is crouched down by his closet with a drawer open and a small box at hand.

"changkyun," kihyun calls, and the said boy jumps a little, blank eyes stare back at the older and this scares kihyun because its the same gaze he had the first time he visited the boy once he was discharged. kihyun keeps his ground, telling himself not to break for changkyun's sake as he nears the boy slowly.

"hey," he says softly with a smile.

"hyung..." the boy says softly before putting the box back into the drawer and closes it.

kihyun stops right in front of the boy and pats his lap and changkyun climbs on almost immediately like he had done so so many other times. the older male wraps his arms around the boy to pull him close before he plants a delicate kiss on his forehead. the boy's stiffened body relaxes a bit more in the older's arms as he slowly basks in the familiar warmth.

"what did the doctor say?" kihyun asks him softly.

"he—um—he said i could—uh—i could walk better now but—but i shouldn't run a lot for the—the first few weeks," the boy manages to stutter out. kihyun nods to that, kissing the side of his face to show him how proud he is that the younger had managed to say all those words out.

kihyun then brings one of his hand over the younger's defected ear and he gently caresses it. they had talked about it a few times about changkyun asking the doctor of any possibility of the younger to get his hearing back in the other ear. although the subject itself was heavy and sensitive changkyun didn't mind talking about it because it made him feel like there was hope. if the damage isn't as severe as some cases the chances of the younger hearing with even a hearing aid is good enough for him. and kihyun had hope too. he believed—he wanted to believe that that was another way.

but changkyun's sad eyes that are filling up with tears shatter his heart as they look up. his hand stops caressing the ear and his own eyes start to burn when changkyun shakes his head dejectedly.

"i can't—he said—i—" kihyun immediately brings the boy into his embrace and hugs him tight. changkyun didn't cry because he had done so enough at the hospital and by himself hours before. he just clutches onto the older's shirt and buries his face into his chest. what hurts the most about this is that it's changkyun's left ear—his defected ear that's against kihyun's chest; he can feel the older's heartbeat but unlike before he can't hear the light thud of it.

"sh—shh baby~" kihyun quivers as he feels the trembling boy against him, wetting his shirt with his silent tears.

"the—the nerves damage were—were too severe," changkyun chokes out. "unless—unless i get a _cochlear implant_ i won't—i can't hear from—from—"

"baby, please," kihyun quietly begs for the boy to calm down because he can feel how hard he's breathing.

"we can't—can't afford—we can't—it's—it's too expensive—too expensive—we can't afford the implant!" this only clenches kihyun's heart even more hearing the boy cry out loud. kihyun gently moves the boy away from his chest with his own tears now falling helplessly watching the younger boy break apart before him.

"baby—changkyunnie," kihyun calls, wiping the boy's cheeks with his shaking hands.

"what—what did i do wro—wrong, hy—hyung?" the boy asks desperately, bloodshot eyes pleading him to answer. "i—i—i try to be—a good—good son but—but my parents hate m—me. i t—try to be a good fr—friend but peo—people hate m—me. hyu—hyung—hyung, you said—you said nothing was wrong with me, so why—why me? what—what did i ever do?"

kihyun can't help the heavy flow of tears anymore not when his baby is crying right in his arms, blaming himself for his misfortunes. kihyun hated how this is the outcome of changkyun's life where a single speck of optimism is quickly overshadowed by a mountain of pessimism. it's almost like the younger boy himself isn't meant to be happy at all. and the fact is kihyun is ready to trade his life, his friends, his happiness just so the boy in his arms didn't have to feel another ounce of pain or sorrow again. it pains him to see how defeated the boy is and no matter how many fragments of hope are built and instilled within him it'll crumble to dust by his own demons.

"changkyun, hey, look at me. baby, look at me please," kihyun begs once more as he uses both his hands to cup the younger's cheeks, keeping his broken gaze on his. "chan—"

"tell me—tell me at least one—one thing, hyu—hyung, please. just—just one thing that's—that's wrong with me," the younger requests as he sniffs.

"no," kihyun answers. "i've said it before and i'll say it now: there is nothing wrong with you." the boy instantly shakes his head, refusing to believe the words of the older. "changkyun," kihyun brings the younger's gaze back. "if you need me to remind you every day, i will. you are so amazing, changkyun. you—you have no idea what you've done to me and for me," kihyun tells him sincerely all while changkyun's skeptical eyes stay wide at him.

the older male then brings his lips over to the younger's left ear and starts planting ghostly kisses from the tip all the way to the lobe before he moves to the other ear doing the same. he feels the younger boy shiver slightly in his lap and he hears the quiet hiccups as well as the sniffles. he then gently brings the boy back into his chest where his arms engulf his smaller frame and his lips linger over his right ear.

"you're so strong, baby, so very strong. it'll be okay. my sweet baby, you'll be okay," kihyun whispers while softly rubbing the younger's arms to coax him. "my sweet baby, thank you—thank you for coming into my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you don't think that I'm dragging this story... I just like to show how the characters and certain emotions are developed. Thank you for reading! Take care💕


	61. ⚠

⚠

changkyun had thought to have a somewhat peaceful evening to himself while he waits for kihyun to visit him after his classes as he does so every other day. what he didn't expect was to be standing right in front of his parents looking furious as ever just by the mere presence of the boy. but changkyun knows that that's not their only reason for being this annoyed, it's also the fact that they had been knocking on the front door for the past fifteen minutes and the younger didn't hear any of it since he had on his earphone on high volume in his one good functional ear.

music distracts the younger from the mere feeling of being alone for too long. the demons in his head are still there, it didn't magically disappear just because the younger boy had found someone who he thinks would love him—it's still very much present and the need to block out these voices by inflicting pain onto himself is also tempting but he stops himself; changkyun tells himself that this will only disappoint kihyun and that's the last thing he wants. changkyun only ever wants the older male to smile and that too because of him, he had made kihyun cry one too many times and he didn't like it and so he resorts to blaring the music in his earphones while waiting for the comforting company.

"didn't you hear us knocking on your door, _boy_?" his father scolds almost immediately as soon as the boy opens the door with trembling hands. changkyun jumps from his father's harsh tone and stays silent. he knows that whatever he has to say will be as pointless as it can be considering they think anything the younger says is an utter waste of time filled with unnecessary excuses. "have you become fucking deaf after that stupid accident of yours?" this sears the younger's heart where the wounds were slowly healing. he didn't need a reminder that he had lost a part of his hearing from the bullying because he's leaving through the consequences every day.

but they didn't know that and they didn't know about his defective and yet this is another example of how mere words could cause literal scars.

"are you going to stand there and be like a silent idiot? it's bad enough you didn't graduate high school," his mother mumbles the last sentence but changkyun heard it all and he clamps his hands together tightly, digging his nails into his own flesh to stop himself from crying.

"i—i didn't kn—know you we—were coming..." the boy stutters softly as his fearful eyes look at his parents.

his father scoffs to this. "we didn't come here to see you." it didn't surprise the younger boy but he wonders why his words hurt more than it should. he knew his parents hated him and every word they're saying isn't something he isn't used to and yet every new time they say it, it hurts so much more than it previously did.

"where's minhyuk?"

"w—work." and his father scoffs another time at that answer.

"he works while you do nothing but spend his hard earn money."

"n—no! i don't—"

"i told minhyuk that taking you in to stay with him is a bad idea but he didn't listen. now look at him! he's working so hard just so he can support a sorry ass like you who does nothing but trouble people day in and day out," his father spits.

changkyun's heart only sinks further hearing this. he lets one silent tear stray from his eyes as they burn for more tears to fall.

"i—i'm—"

_'you know, you apologizing for every fucking thing is really starting to get tiring and it really makes nothing better.'_

the younger stops himself when the oh-so familiar words of what kihyun had said to him once lingers in his head. he keeps his mouth shut, lips pursed in a thin line, stopping himself from saying usless apologies that will only anger his parents further.

the thing is even if the younger boy did forgive kihyun his words that he had said to him that very day had already been engraved in the vulnerable boy. these aren't words that were simply uttered by random people. these were words uttered by someone who meant so much to changkyun (and changkyun thought he meant something to them too) and if someone like that could say such things, there must be some truth to it, right?

changkyun doesn't blame kihyun for his harsh words, changkyun blames himself and only himself.

"pathetic," his mother huffs seeing the young boy silently break down in front of them. "we're not going to waste out time here. tell minhyuk to meet us at his wedding venue tomorrow to discuss the details for his wedding. i trust you can do this one simple task?"

changkyun only nods.

then they left just like that.

changkyun looks down to his hands where he had managed to tears his skin with his nails, drawing blood. but he wanted more.

he had promised himself to stop going to the blade for comfort because he knows how disappointed his brother and kihyun will get but now his mind is just fogging with profanities being spit around by the demons in his head. they cloud his emotions leaving him only to feel the deep need to mask the emotional pain that's phycially making his heart ache as of this moment.

he knows the cold metal against his skin will mask the pain long enough that it won't effect him as much later and it is tempting for him to want to make the pain stop. and he doesn't know how he got to his room so fast with his cupboard and drawer open. the next thing changkyun knows is that he is holding the familiar blade against his wrist with no self-consicous telling him to stop.

it feels right—even when it is wrong, and changkyun knows that. but in that moment it feels like the right thing to do because it is the _only_ thing he can physically do to help himself.

_'do you invite trouble anywhere you go?'_

_'fucking useless boy'._

_'it's no wonder you're failing'._

_'he's making people miserable'._

_'this is why people hate you'._

it's wrong but its slolwy becoming bearable when all these words starts replaying in his head, telling him that he deserves this. even if changkyun didn't believe so in the first place he has this words to convince him otherwise. he is very much useless and so much so a burden, he can't do anything right and even if he tried he ends up failing and disappointing people. they didn't want to see what the younger could offer if they just listened and be patient with him and changkyun gave up on himself long ago.

he's holding onto this thin line now just until the wedding—just for minhyuk's sake—and he knows he might just go insane if he doesn't do anything to cope with all these repressed emotions.

he promised himself that he won't cut anymore but if this is what it takes to stay sane for the next few months, changkyun has to break it even if it meant disappointing the very few people that still had the small hope in him because honestly, who isn't already disappointed in him? it is nothing new, not to changkyun anyways.

and so as he presses the blade against his skin, he watches how his blood mixes with his salty tears to create a mixture, a representation of what his own pain looks like.


	62. ⚠

⚠

cognitive psychology—the one class jooheon and wonho shares with kihyun since they are all venturing into the different fields of psychology. the three of them shared this class twice a week three hours each and yet neither of them had approached the wheel-chaired male since the heated argument they had almost a month ago. that's not to say that kihyun even tried to approach them, or even hyungwon for that matter considering he did not only feel shameful in the eyes of minhyuk but he feels so shameful in the eyes of his friends as well—especially now that he feels like anything but himself.

he was no longer the strong, prideful, arrogant man they (or people around them ) knew. if they were to see how kihyun had been since changkyun's discharge they would be shocked, to say the least, because it was a whole other side that people never knew existed. and to be fair, kihyun didn't know it existed as well.

when the class is finally over kihyun had had a long and hard mental debate on whether he should even consider approaching his friends knowing that they didn't want anything to do with him, at least for the time being. but kihyun sucks up what's left of his pride for _changkyun_. he wants the younger to interact with people other than the three of them.

even when the younger seems somewhat better around him, minhyuk and shownu, kihyun can never simply disregard the fact that changkyun has become so afraid of meeting people (like when kihyun's parents had visited a few times then eventually stopped coming when they saw how distressed they make the younger feel). he also can't avoid the fact that even when the younger does smile there are moments where he finds the younger staring off into nothing or where he would get random spikes of anxiety where he clings to them and they wouldn't even know what triggers him. changkyun sometimes cries and goes on not talking for a few days but kihyun is sure not to leave the younger's side like he promised—like he once did. he makes sure to shower him with kisses and hug him until he feels his small trembling body relax against his touch.

kihyun quickly shoves his things into his bag and starts wheeling himself towards the door where both jooheon and wonho gets swallowed by the crowd of students. kihyun mentally curses and starts muttering loud _'excuse me'_ s to get through the crowd fast enough that both his friends aren't too far off when he manages to get outside.

"wonho!" the wheel-chaired male calls and he sees the said male visibly stiffen as he stops walking. jooheon, who is next to him, turns his head and gives a glare over his shoulder. jooheon mumbles something where only wonho could hear before they start walking again.

"no, wait!" kihyun yells desperately. jooheon stops abruptly to turn and look at kihyun with his beady eyes narrowed displeasingly.

"what do you want?"

kihyun loses his speech of thought looking at his _friends_ who are anything but pleased to see him, but of course, he knew what he was getting himself into and they had every right to be furious with him.

"i—you see—"

"did changkyun leave you too? is that why you're trying to pester us now?" jooheon spits. kihyun backs up a little, triggered by the words of his dimpled-male. the fact is changkyun almost _did_ leave him and just the mere thought of that makes him feel sick to his stomach especially after knowing that he is partially to blame.

"i just—"

"look kihyun," wonho says now. "we don't care what you've said to us, but what you said about changkyun—someone who is innocent—we can't forgive you for that. we understand that you have your own personal problems but lashing out on changkyun who clearly hasn't done anything wrong isn't the way you cope with your fucking uncertain feelings. ignoring him was one thing but the words you said about him, that was going too far."

"i know—fuck, i fucking know that!" kihyun cries remorsefully. "i should've listened to you guys. i should've—i shouldn't have been so ignorant and stubborn about everything." both wonho and joohoen's eyes widen at the sudden outburst. they hadn't expected kihyun to admit something like this and that too sounding so genuine and regretful.

"that's—i guess that's good that you've realized that. now if you'll excuse us." wonho shrugs. they were about to turn around when kihyun quickly grabs onto his jooheon's wrist, pulling him to face him back.

"what now," the male bellows with irritation.

"you guys can hate me all you want but please do one thing for me—no, do one thing for changkyun. please come and see him. please," kihyun begs.

his _friends_ look at him in utter confusion as they now frown deeply from the desperation in his voice.

"did something happen?" wonho asks, getting slightly worried from his friend's plea.

"he—" kihyun sighs, unable to form the proper words to even tell them what had happened to changkyun. "remember when you said i would lose changkyun and that crying over him would be pointless?" kihyun says, looking right at jooheon and the male feels uncomfortable with where this is going because he does remember those exact words he told kihyun.

"now—now i feel so helpless and i've spent enough days crying over the fact that changkyun isn't who he is now because of me."

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

the ride to changkyun's house is as awkward as it could ever be. it's been so long since kihyun has taken a lift from his friends and for some reason, it feels odd, very unfamiliar.

it didn't take long for kihyun to convince both of them to follow him after classes to meet changkyun—they even called hyungwon along. they didn't dare ask what had happened but they guessed it must be something serious seeing as to how kihyun had literally begged them to come and visit the younger boy.

that's not to say that they didn't miss changkyun—they all did, so much, but they didn't feel like they had the right to come and see him, not when they knew kihyun had hurt the boy. if only they knew how much the younger really needed company then. it was a mistake on their part they would admit that and they hope that they could rekindle the friendship they all had before all this chaos happened.

kihyun had of course taken permission from minhyuk before bringing them all over and he is grateful enough that the older male allowed him to bring his friends to cheer changkyun up even if it is a little. any ounce of a smile on the younger's face is precious.

"erm—changkyun, he—he may seem distant or—or he might be afraid of you guys at first but just—just try to talk to him. he might not answer at first but he—he will eventually... _i hope_ ," kihyun tells them once they've reached the younger's house.

"why would he be afraid of us?" hyungwon questions with a deep frown alongside million other questions bombarding in his head from the wheel-chaired male's sudden statement.

"he—he's just been through a lot this past month. i'm sorry but it's not my place to tell." they all nod understandingly and get out of the car.

the quiet house isn't something unusual considering changkyun spends most of his lonely times in his room doing his own things; some days he finds the younger reading a book or watching something on his phone while other days he finds the younger asleep on his bed.

they all stop right outside changkyun's room and kihyun turns to look at them.

"you guys wait here for a moment. i'll—i'll check up on him and let him know that you're all here," kihyun tells them. and they agreed silently.

kihyun knocks on changkyun's door then peers in before entering and closing the door behind him.

today he finds changkyun by his window; he stands still, looking out at the sky that is slowly graying as it's being hoarded by thick clouds. it didn't alarm kihyun that changkyun didn't turn around to greet him because the younger does do that some days. but what did alarm him was the droplets of dried blood all over the floor near changkyun. his mouth goes dry and his eyes widen but he didn't want to think the worst, yet he knew deep inside that changkyun had harmed himself.

"ch—changkyun," kihyun stutters, and the said boy turns around, staring blankly at kihyun.

the older male's heart plummets right there and then when he sees the horrid cuts and dried blood all over the younger's left arm. his tearful eyes look back up to changkyun and all he gets is an empty expression where his eyes are filled with a dark void and this scares him even more.

"b—baby..." kihyun calls softly, wheeling himself closer to the younger boy. changkyun doesn't respond but his eyes do follow the older's and when kihyun stops right in front of him, changkyun looks down with the same empty expression. kihyun's tears fall almost instantly when he slowly takes the younger's wounded arm, looking at the self-infliction he had done.

kihyun cries harder knowing he wasn't there for changkyun to comfort him when the younger needed someone the most.

"changkyun—wh—why?"

changkyun doesn't answer. the boy just shrugs his shoulders, disregarding the matter completely as his own eyes start to scan the cuts he made. it wasn't much but they were long and pretty deep and that alone satisfies changkyun. he no longer felt the hammering pain in his chest (for now).

"changkyun, hey," kihyun calls the younger who seems to be lost in a daze of his own. he gently pulls the boy to sit on his lap and he makes sure that their eyes are on each other as he tries to ground the younger pulling him back to reality.

"baby, i'm here—i'm here. please—please say something," kihyun begs him dejectedly as his eyes cloud with fresh tears once more.

but the younger stays completely silent. kihyun has to bite his own lips to suppress the sobs that are coming. he can't breakdown—not now, his main priority is to tend to the younger's wounds first.

kihyun takes in a sharp breath to recollect himself. "we'll—we'll get this cleaned, o—okay?"

changkyun sighs then gives the smallest nod and it is more than enough for kihyun as of now. he leans forward and places a lingering kiss on the boy's forehead. changkyun breath does hitch slightly and soon after he leans in a little into the older's comforting arms. kihyun then wheels them both out of the younger's room to the bathroom down the hall only to remember that his friends are there waiting all these while.

"is ev—fuck!" jooheon curses when he sees kihyun and changkyun's state by the door.

the sudden appearance of 'new' faces seems to trigger an emotional reaction from the younger because he flinches hard and starts pressing his whole body against kihyun, trembling immensely from the fear that's growing within him.

"changkyun?" hyungwon calls worriedly but the boy cowers away, hiding his face into the older's chest. kihyun immediately shields his head into the crook of his neck, whispering to the boy that he is safe in his arms. he can feel the younger's raged breath fanning against his skin with trickles of tears trailing down the back of his neck.

kihyun looks up to his friends and shakes his head, telling them to give him space before he wheels the both of them into the bathroom, locking the door.

"baby—hey." kihyun brings the younger's face away from his neck and his heart clenches at his broken state. "shh~ you're okay," kihyun tells him softly while caressing the younger's wet cheek. "i'm here. i won't let anyone hurt you, okay?" changkyun just sniffles his tears away and looks down to his bloodied arm.

kihyun brings changkyun to sit on the lid of the toilet bowl then he goes to get the first aid kit by the sink cabinet where he remembers changkyun bringing it for him once. this scene itself seems like a messed up deja vu where kihyun cleans changkyun's wound in the bathroom; the only difference is these wounds were done by changkyun himself.

he places a soft kiss onto the younger's knuckles before proceeding to clean the blood off his arms first. the younger does flinch or hiss occasionally from the sting on the wound, other than that he doesn't utter a single word and it's driving kihyun mad. he wishes that changkyun would at least say something or maybe even tell him to be careful when he starts applying the antibacterial ointment—but he gets nothing.

only when kihyun is done with the bandages does changkyun lifts his head up slowly to look at kihyun. and finally, he sees the void being replaced by emotions, mainly fear and sadness.

"you—you're m—mad..." the younger trails off.

"baby—"

"yo—you hate—hate me n—now," he stutters next.

"no, no i don't hate you," kihyun reassures him and the younger frowns to that.

he then pats his lap, beckoning for the younger to sit back on and changkyun complies without hesitation. kihyun instantly wraps his arms around the boy's waist, pulling him closer to his body and planting a few kisses on the top of his head. he feels changkyun's body relaxes and this relief kihyun slightly.

"i'm sorry," the younger mumbles. kihyun nuzzles his nose against the younger's neck, kissing the warm skin below his lips before sighing.

"why? wh—why did you do it?" kihyun asks softly as he looks down at the younger boy who's gaze now holds a whirlpool of emotions that glosses over his eyes.

"it hu—hurts hyung," the boy whispers.

"where does it hurt, baby?"

changkyun lifts his hand to place it weakly over his heart as a single drop of tear trails down his tear-stained cheek, feeling his bleeding heart beat painfully against his chest. each pump of the muscles doesn't hurt as much as the next but nonetheless it still hurts and changkyun just wants it to stop.

kihyun's heart breaks even more from this.

he brings the younger back into his chest, gently cradling him to calm down in his arms. it doesn't take long for the younger to find the comfort he had needed in the familiar arms embracing him. now safe, he lets his tired self to surrender to the vulnerability enclosing him and he allows sleep to overtake him.

kihyun carefully wheels the both of them out, making sure not to move too much that it'll wake the younger up. he is immediately greeted by his concerned friends who have been waiting anxiously outside the bathroom, hoping for some kind of answer. but when they see the passed out younger with his arm fully bandaged and kihyun's bloodshot eyes looking defeatedly at them, they didn't feel the need to get a validation anymore but this only heightens their concern.

kihyun quietly wheels into changkyun's room with his friends follow behind. wonho offers to carry changkyun into bed. when the built male carefully carries the younger out of kihyun's arms he whines a little from the loss of contact then sighs in content against wonho's chest to which wonho chuckles sadly at. he lowers the boy onto his bed and jooheon pulls the blanket over the younger, tucking him in nicely.

neither of them said a single word after that as they watch the boy peacefully sleep.

but what did break their silent concentration after a while was the sound of sniffles coming from their wheel-chaired friend. this alarms them considering kihyun is never known to cry—at least not in front of his friends or anyone else for that matter. the one time he had cried in front of them was after that one fateful accident and that too came as an utter surprise since kihyun was always so composed.

"ki, it'll be okay," wonho tells him as he squeezes his shoulder.

this only makes kihyun cry harder. his chest rises and falls heavily and he hides his face in the palm of his hands as he witnesses what has become of the sweet, kind-hearted boy who didn't deserve any of the pain he was going through right now.

as kihyun cries and cries from all the guilt and anger built up inside of him, he feels the warm arms of his friends all around him, engulfing him in a hug as they quietly comfort him just like they did the day kihyun woke up from his coma three years ago. 


	63. Chapter 63

the younger boy flinches in the wheel-chaired male's arms when the shouts of kihyun's friends jooheon and hyungwon) take him by sudden surprise. kihyun notices this and glares at his friends who are the in midst of playing overwatch at kihyun's place now. 

the younger boy had woken up a few hours ago to be greeted by familiar faces. although changkyun had missed spending time with them like they used to, the rooted fear deep within him isn't easily shaken off. he knows that they wouldn't do anything to harm him and yet his heart that beats so fast whenever they try to approach him sends him into instant fight-or-flight mood where his only safe option is to whimper out kihyun's name or just run to his lap where he cowers into the security of the older's arms.

kihyun had managed to convince the younger to come over to his place with his friends. changkyun agrees as he holds onto the promise that kihyun will not leave his side the whole time. and so changkyun now sits on kihyun's lap in his living where both jooheon and hyungwon are seated on the floor, competing in the game and wonho seated on the sofa just behind hyungwon watching with slight amusement.

"guys, keep it down please," kihyun tells them. they mumble incoherent apologies before restarting the game once again. changkyun sighs and leans back against kihyun's chest, mindfully watching the game on the huge screen in front of them all while kihyun gently cards one of his hands through the younger's hair.

"changkyun, do want a drink?" wonho asks gently as he stands from his seat. the said boy's eyes widen and looks up at the built-male who has a soft expression on. there is no reason for him to be afraid and yet the answer seems lost somewhere on the tip of his tongue. kihyun notices this and leans in to kiss the side of his head before bringing his lip over the younger's right ear.

"it's okay, baby. you can tell me instead," kihyun reassures. changkyun's head slowly turns to look at kihyun hesitantly and the older male gives him a smile of reassurance than a nod.

"erm—pep—pepsi..." changkyun answers so softly that only kihyun is able to hear him.

"he wants pepsi," kihyun relays to wonho who nods with a sad smile as he looks at changkyun who's hesitant glance looks back up at him before they revert away in guilt to his lap. he hates the fact that the younger is so afraid to even talk to him now when months before he didn't have a problem joking with him at all, but most of all he hates the people who made him this way.

when wonho comes back with his and changkyun's drink, he slowly hands it over to changkyun. the boy stares at the cup for a few seconds before he reluctantly takes it from him. he pushes aside his rapidly beating heart against his chest as he forces his heavy head to look up at the male who offers him another kind smile despite his actions earlier.

"th—thank y—you, hy—hyung," the boy stutters, and wonho's smile only gets wider by this.

"you're very much welcome, changkyunnie," wonho replies then goes back to his seat.

 _changkyunnie_. the nickname in itself coming from kihyun's friend(s) somehow warms his heart. and the smile he witnessed just from his small gesture of pushing past his anxiety was all the more worth the slight pain he has to physically endure.

his train of thought was stopped when he feels another kiss being placed on his forehead. changkyun's gaze settles on kihyun's who's smile seems to mirror the exact same as wonho's moments before.

"i'm proud of you," kihyun tells him from the younger's small effort and changkyun displaces the smallest smile but it is enough to make the older's heart leap in pure bliss having to witness this precious smile. the older leans in to peck the younger's lips to which changkyun's face turns a light shade of pink. "awe, my baby's getting shy~" and changkyun whines softly to this, burying his head into kihyun's chest where he feels the light rumble from his chuckle.

they both then settle into a comfortable silence, watching the displayed game in front of them once again. changkyun takes hold of one of kihyun's hands and intertwines his fingers with the older's while he carefully holds the glass of pepsi in another and this brings the older's attention back down on the younger boy. his eyes unintentionally graze over his bandaged arm and his heart sinks inevitably. this makes kihyun tighten his grip over the younger's smaller frame in a protective manner.

kihyun knew that there were certain triggers that would make the younger quiet down and breakdown all of a sudden into a fitful cry but never once has any of his triggers made changkyun want to cut himself _again_. he can't help but wonder did anything—or anyone—caused some kind of trigger that he can only resort to cutting now. he wants to ask, he's itching to know but at the same time, he didn't want to upset the younger more than he already is. changkyun seems a little better now and he didn't have the heart to wipe that all away by just one question.

and so kihyun keeps quiet but he makes a mental note to tell minhyuk about it because it's the least he can do for now to help changkyun.

"do you want to try, kyun?" hyungwon offers the younger boy to play next. kihyun looks at his friend who's extending the controller he is holding towards changkyun. he then looks down at the boy in his lap who is hesitant once again. changkyun shakes his head, declining the offer. hyungwon pouts a little to that. "come on, it'll be fun. and i bet you can even beat jooheon's ass!" the younger boy flushes a little at that but he still adamantly refusing to take the offer silently.

"kihyun?" hyungwon approaches this time and he takes the controller from his friend. the taller male then stands up from the floor to sit right in his boyfriend's arms on the sofa.

"do you want to sit on the sofa or stay here?" he asks changkyun softly.

"here," the boy mumbles. "c—can i?" kihyun smiles at him and nods.

"of course, baby. lean back so you can watch it better." changkyun places the glass he was holding on the table at the front then carefully moves and leans his back against kihyun's chest while the older male has his arms around changkyun and on the controller. "comfortable, baby?" changkyun nods. kihyun places a kiss on top of his head before he presses the play button and plays against jooheon in the next round.

the round went on for a solid 15 minutes with both males throwing insults at one another and shouting terms that changkyun barely understood. when the game finally ends jooheon throws the controller onto the sofa with a few curses elicited in dissatisfaction. changkyun chuckles softly to himself watching the two older males' petty behavior about the winning team.

"you only won because your team was stronger," jooheon says with an eye roll.

"or maybe i'm just that good at overwatch," kihyun counters and sticks his tongue. jooheon responds by flipping him off which causes changkyun to chuckle a little more. jooheon then gets up and walks out of the living room to find some snacks at the kitchen.

kihyun takes notice of the younger's much lighter mood and he smiles down at the boy who's shy eyes look up at him.

"do i get a kiss for winning this round?" kihyun asks the boy, lightly teasing him knowing he has a certain effect on him by the way the tips of his ears, as well as his cheeks, redden. the boy's eyes widen before his gaze moves to the oblivious couple on the couch then to kihyun's gleaming gaze.

"kiss—on the cheek?" he confirms meekly.

kihyun leans in closer to the boy so that their noses are just touching and changkyun's breath hitches at the sudden close proximity. "kiss—on the lips." changkyun didn't think it was possible for his cheeks to feel _this_ hot.

"now?"

"that would be nice," kihyun tells him, smile widening.

the younger's eyes revert to the couple who are busy talking then looks up back at kihyun before they settle on the older's lips. changkyun takes in a deep breath then leans in and presses a light peck on the older's lips; it was shy and innocent and kihyun will never hate these kinds of kisses because it will always remind him of the fragile boy in his arms. kihyun, however, couldn't help himself that he cups the younger's cheeks gently and pulls him in for another delicate kiss. the boy's unsure movements slowly follow the rhythm of the older's lips against his and he pushes a little more against the older to deepen the kiss.

when they pull apart changkyun has on a small shy smile on his lips while kihyun's is a full-blown grin. even when kissing each isn't exactly a new thing anymore but every new time sends an eruption of butterflies fluttering in the younger's stomach—that's not to say that kihyun doesn't feel the same.

their moment was cut short when they hear a squeal coming from the sofa and that's when they remember that they weren't the only ones in the living room.

"that was so cute!" hyungwon exclaims. they turn to see both hyungwon and wonho grinning widely. "baby, did you see that? our changkyunnie—oh gosh!" hyungwon continues cooing to wonho which leads to changkyun hiding his face in the older's chest from utter embarrassment. he feels his cheeks getting warmer by the second.

"wow wow, when did _this_ started?" jooheon questions nudging towards changkyun and kihyun as he walks back into the living room with an opened pringles packet at hand.

"for a few weeks now," kihyun answers.

jooheon looks right at kihyun and mouths, _'you better not fuck this up'._

kihyun nods almost instantly to that, hugging the younger boy closer to his body. he's messed up one too many times and he can't afford to do that again because he doesn't know how much more it'll take for changkyun to finally snap and end it all. and that scares kihyun even more because he knows he won't be able to deal with _this_ loss again. 


	64. Chapter 64

it's been almost a week since kihyun's friends had visited changkyun and since then they have stopped by a few more times, frequent enough for the younger to slowly grow comfortable around them again. kihyun couldn't be anymore happier with this as he witnesses the boy starting smaller conversations with them or occasionally laughing along to their jokes. 

no doubt there are moments where changkyun feels a little too detached from his safe cocoon that he would search for kihyun and crawl right back to his lap, resting his tired self against him as he tries to calm himself down nonetheless it was progress—great progress that kihyun never fails to praise the boy.

"i was thinking maybe we should all go to this pojangmacha right near my house this weekend. i'm sure changkyun would like it! the tteokbokki there is delicious too," jooheon tells both wonho and kihyun once they have finished their shared class. "would that be alright with changkyun? will he be okay?"

"i th—" kihyun's words were cut short when a student purposely walks so close to him just as he tries to get his backpack off the floor, dropping all the contents.

"fuck," kihyun mutters then glares up at the male that wears a satisfied grin.

"oops. sorry about that, _spaz_ ," the male sarcastically apologizes.

"what did you say?" wonho threatens as he advances forward to defend his friend but kihyun quickly grabs hold of his wrist, tugging him back. "kihyun~," he begs his friend to let him at least throw one punch at the guy but kihyun shakes his head adamantly.

"fucking _murderer_ ," the male spits and laughs as he walks away from them. this causes the wheel-chaired male's heart to sink at that one word he despises the most. even if he hates it and has publically voiced out about it early on he's still known as one. at this point, he had given up and just takes the humiliation people throw at him.

wonho's fist clenches harder hearing this and kihyun tightens his grip. "kihyun~," wonho tries again.

"just leave him. it's not worth trying to fight him. i deserve this anyways, wonho."

"kihyun, why would you say that?" jooheon asks him with a deep frown. "you don't deserve the insults being thrown at you."

"maybe not the insults, but i deserve the humiliation," kihyun utters as he lets go of his friend's wrist.

"kihyun, you know the accident wasn't your fault," wonho tells him gently, trying to get through him once more. "it was _seungkwan_ that wanted to race."

"i provoked _him_ , wonho," kihyun counters. "my ego didn't want to leave the matter alone when i should've just walked away that night. i should've listened to you guys and just leave but i didn't."

"okay, fine, you stayed and provoked him," jooheon says this time. "but that still doesn't change the fact that he challenged you to the race and it also doesn't change the fact that he was the one that slammed his car right at yours," he tries to explain to kihyun. 

"kihyun, you played by the rules, he didn't. you may have provoked him but it was his decision to act on it and that too rashly."

the wheel-chaired male sighs heavily at that.

it wasn't entirely his fault and yet the guilt still remains, settling on his chest nonetheless as the very night of the accident is still fresh in his mind even when he was heavily drunk. oddly enough this was one hangover that will forever remain with him in his memories, haunting him.

"you know people only say that you're a 'murderer' because you lived and he didn't, right? they don't care about the full and _actual_ story of that night since accusing you is easier because they like seungkwan more than you."

"maybe i should've died that night," kihyun tells them softly, voice dropping sadly.

"kihyun—"

"seungkwan should've lived, not me. he was a far better person than i ever will be. they are right to hate me. what good am i anyways? all i've been doing before the accident is hurt people, it's not like i've changed after that. i've hurt my parents, i've hurt you guys, fuck, i even hurt changkyun! if—if i had died that night than—"

"shut up," jooheon snaps. "what the fuck are you saying? do you know how much it hurts for us to hear you say that?" kihyun quiets down, gaze dropping to his lap. "okay, forget about us. think about how upset changkyun would feel if he were to hear that."

"changkyun would be so heartbroken, kihyun," wonho says. 

kihyun hates that they're right. it stings his heart knowing how upset the younger would be if he were to ever hear this. 

"put aside the fact that changkyun really likes you and you like him, you help him through one of his hardest moments. that boy literally depends on you, kihyun. he feels safe with you. he always goes back to you when he feels vulnerable or scared. you protect him, take care of him and _love_ him, giving him the affection he never thought he would ever receive. what do you think will become of him if you weren't here? who can changkyun lean on to when his brother isn't around?"

kihyun's eyes widen as he slowly looks back up to his friends who are looking at him sadly with concern. hearing these words really did surprise him because he never really looked at the situation he was in _that_ way. all he ever thought was to be there and make changkyun as happy as he possibly can because the younger boy deserves nothing but a bright smile plastered on his face. he's also never thought that he was helping changkyun in any special way; only that he was aiding him the best he can which isn't much considering he's wheel-chaired bound (that's what kihyun thinks anyways).

but now he can't help but question what wonho had just told him. is he really such a significance in the changkyun's life?

"what happened happened and you or anyone else can't change that, but what you can do is stop hurting yourself by this and acknowledge the fact that you are not entirely at fault. let the people talk, they don't know any better. but listen to us—your friends, we know you better than those idiots and we're telling you that you are not a murderer," wonho asserts firmly.

"kihyun, we told you this before a few days after you woke up from your coma but you refuse to listen to us so i'll tell you again; seungkwan _deliberately_ hit your car that night before he skidded off," jooheon tells him. 

"and if anything this guilt isn't only for you to carry on your own. we should've done more to drag you out of that situation. seungkwan's friends should've stopped him knowing he was far too wasted. that night was a mess of its own and we all carry part of the guilt with us except for those hypocrites that call you a murderer when they themselves have played a part that night."

kihyun listens. maybe for the first time since the accident he actually listens to his friends. even though the guilt in his chest still resides and the fact that a friend of his died that night, kihyun willingly listens to their words and tries to ease his guilt with it.

what jooheon tells him is a supposedly known fact because wonho and hyungwon had told him that before as well and on all those occasions he refuses to believe them since his thoughts were heavily induced in guilt. yet now, he wants to believe them because he knows his friends wouldn't lie to him about something so serious just to ease his guilty conscious. 

they will let kihyun dwell in his guilt from his poor actions but they will not let him dwell in guilt that isn't fully his fault. if anything they—along with seungkwan's friends—were all equally guilty for that night as well as for not forcefully dragging away either seungkwan or kihyun when the fight between them was escalating. it wasn't only kihyun's guilt to carry all alone. 

it is overwhelming for kihyun right now. he didn't know how to properly comprehend this. he doesn't even know what are the right words to say as of now. his feelings and emotions are all jumbled up that the best he can do is stare at his friends. each of them squeezes kihyun's shoulder, reassure him to take his time to absorb all that they've told him.

"come on, let's get you home. i'm sure changkyun is waiting for you," wonho says after a while as he bends down to get kihyun's fallen books. this eases kihyun a little, keeping his mind momentarily away from the fateful incident of that night. just the mere thought of the younger boy waiting for him and having to see his bright smile from kihyun's mere presence tugs on his heartstrings and it mayhaps leaped a little.

jooheon passes kihyun his backpack while wonho recollects the few books scattered. once the built-male had collected all the books and are neatly in his arms, his eyes make a double-take on the white and blue folded paper laying on the ground with a similar logo on the top right corner. he passes the books over to kihyun before bending down once more to take a look at the paper only to realize that the symbol represents the seoul national university hospital. his eyes widen almost instantly when he reads the bolded words and he looks at kihyun dumbfoundedly who is busy keeping his books back into his backpack.

"what's that?" jooheon asks, peering from the side to take a look at the paper. when he examines it closer he comes to realize that it isn't just a paper—it is a bulletin. the bulletin reads **physical therapy**.

"kihyun?"

the said male looks up and gasps when he sees his friends holding onto the bulletin he had taken a few weeks ago from the hospital.

"those were handed to me when i visited the hospital," kihyun immediately says defensively.

"oh come on! you can't tell us that the staff at the hospital just happened to hand you a bulletin about _physical therapy_ just because they see you in a wheelchair," jooheon exclaims, his excitement very much evident in his voice.

"i like to think that's how the scenario went," kihyun replies. "it sounds believable."

"and stupid." 

kihyun scowls at that.

"kihyun, hospitals don't just hand out bulletins especially not bulletins _like_ this," wonho interjects. "you can only get these when you visit the specialists responsible for these treatments."

"oh gosh, kihyun, you're really considering this? are you really going through with it?" jooheon questions now, eyes gleaming with immense hope.

"i—i don't know. i just went into the office at the spur of the moment—"

"bullshit!" wonho calls out. "something prompted you to go. you can't just walk into a specialists' office without an appointment."

"are you really trying to out me like this?" kihyun deadpans with a slight glare.

"ki, if you can't already tell we're fucking happy from this!"

kihyun snatches the bulletin back from wonho's grasp and shoves it into his backpack. "well, don't be too happy about it because i still haven't made a decision yet. i was just curious so i made an appointment and i went. that's all there is to it—nothing more."


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I messed up the chapters I'm so sorry! This was supposed to be the original chapter 65. I hope you'll enjoy it👉👈

even when convincing his friends that he really isn't going through with _physical therapy_ took what seemed like forever to do, he had somehow managed to let them drop the subject altogether. but that didn't mean they didn't go and rat it out to hyungwon who almost immediately became as ecstatic as both jooheon and wonho were. of course, if knew this was their reaction because it was them and his parents who have been pestering him about going to physical therapy to learn how to walk again. that said, the wheel-chaired male is still on the fence about it.

now, he's laying in changkyun's bed with the younger boy in his arms, mindlessly playing with the phone in his hand while one of kihyun's arms is wrapped securely around his waist. kihyun's mind has been fleeting back and forth between the thoughts of the accidents, what his friends had told him about that night's event, and the talks about physical therapy. the whole thought process itself is tiring and it only hurts his brain more as he tries to wrap his head around at least one matter.

kihyun ends up emitting a heavy sigh which brings the younger's focus to him. changkyun puts his phone down only to notice that kihyun has a thick frown embedded on his forehead with creases visible. his eyes are settled on him but they're not looking _at_ him, he's lost in his thoughts somewhere far away.

"hyung?" the older male snaps out of his thoughts and his gaze focuses back on the younger boy in front of him, unconsciously smiling. he hums for the boy to continue. "what's wrong?" he asks meekly.

"i'm alright, baby, don't worry," kihyun reassures which causes changkyun to pout noticeably. the older male gently pushes the fallen hair off the younger's face and looks into his eyes softly. "why the sudden long face?"

"i know i'm not the best at giving advice but i'm a really good listener, hyung," changkyun tells him.   
  
"changkyun, it's not that—"

"something's bothering you, hyung. i've noticed it since you came here," changkyun admits. "i'm in no place to say this but—but you can't stay like this forever, hyung. you can't keep your emotions bottled up forever. you—you need to find a way to release them. i know i've succumbed to the worst way possible to deal with my emotions but i'm trying to control myself—"

"shh~ baby, it's okay. no one is disappointed in you, okay? we understand it must be hard. don't give yourself a hard time over it," kihyun tells him softly when he realizes that changkyun is starting to ramble on about his guilt. changkyun's own eyes find their way back to kihyun's caring ones and somehow he melts all over again, the restriction in his chest resides when he sees that the older's eyes indeed do not hold any sort of disappointment knowing changkyun is _still_ cutting himself.

"s—sorry..."

"there's no need to apologize."

the younger nods slightly then takes in a breather to recollect himself before he starts where he stopped.

"please don't shut us out," changkyun tells him, almost pleading. "you don't have to tell us what you're feeling but you can always express these emotions in other ways so it's not all bottled up. you can cry, you can scream, you can even be alone for a moment if you need to, but hyung, don't push people away especially when there are people ready to help you. it's—it's so much worse feeling like you have no one to turn, trust me. it sucks. even when you do want to be alone there will come a time where you wish someone, at least one person would be there to just _hold_ you." changkyun slightly chokes on his words as the memories of before comes flooding in.

he knows first hand the feeling of being alone all too well and god knows how many nights he had prayed for someone to hold him when he himself couldn't muster enough courage or energy to utter those words.

kihyun gently brings the boy's head foreword and plants a lingering kiss on his forehead as his heart goes out to the younger boy. he does wonder how many times have the younger boy cried to himself, wishing for someone's company. and a noticeable shiver runs down kihyun's spine just thinking of those nights where he could've been there for the younger boy but didn't because of his ignorant feelings. it's thoughts like this that make him hate himself even more. he could never properly phantom the pain changkyun must've gone through because the older doesn't know if he can truly forgive himself knowing the extent of his own torture towards the younger.

the pain inflicted physically does hurt but the pain inflicted by words hurts so much more because it one that's easily embedded in one's heart and in bad days the mind works like a broken record, taking pieces of these painful words and starts replaying them in their head.

this precious boy should only know love and he should be drowning in affection.

"so—so many people take their friends for granted, hyung. they—they don't realize how—how lonely it truly gets," changkyun stutters and lets out a shaky breath. "you know hyung, you're lucky to have jooheon, wonho and hyungwon hyung as friends," changkyun tells him and the older can't miss the sadness evident in his voice.

"changkyun, you know they're your friends too, right? they all adore you just as much as i do," kihyun tells him. "okay, maybe i adore you a little bit more than them," the older adds, lightening the mood slightly. the younger giggles a little at this and shakes his head. "they're not just my friends, they're yours too. i know it seems like i don't appreciate them but i really do and maybe sometimes i do take them for granted..."

"i'm not disappointed or anything, hyung, i'm just—i'm just reminding you that you are fortunate. like i said before, you may not be the nicest person i know but you're not all that bad. you have friends that you care about and i've seen the way you care about your parents too even when you do fight with them a lot. and—and you even care about someone like _me_."

kihyun frowns at that; not at what he said but more so how he phrased his words—more directly how he phrased it to describe his own self.

"well, what's wrong with someone like _you_?" kihyun asks softly, and the younger sighs.

"it's 'me', hyung." kihyun traces the boy's face, starting from his forehead to both his beautiful eyes then to the bridge of his sharp nose before they stay momentarily on his pink tantalizing lips.

"hm~ you're right. it's just _you_ —my pretty baby." changkyun's innocent eyes widen at that before his cheeks start flushing crimson. kihyun mildly chuckles as he leans in to peck the younger's warm cheek.

"in all seriousness, don't put yourself down like that," kihyun says slightly firm with a hint of softness. "this also goes for lowering your self-worth, please don't do it. stop asking people to hit you just to release their anger. that's not the way," he tells changkyun sadly. "i can never forget the day you told me to hit you just so i would feel better. i didn't know you at all that time and i was so cold towards you but fuck changkyun my heart broke for you for thinking something like that is okay. you're not a punching bag, you're human too."

changkyun reminisces back to when he found the kihyun crying for the first time and yes, he does remember asking kihyun to hit him as a means to release his anger/frustration. changkyun knew that was one way how the people at school or even his parents cope with their emotions and sadly, that was the only (logical) thing changkyun knew that would help. he already knew they were their punching bag and so it was only natural to assume that everyone who isn't dealing with their emotions well should just release it on changkyun let it be people he knows to strangers.

"that day you really did surprise me, hyung because you refused to hit me even when i told you you would feel better. later on, i began to realize that even though you were cold, you're the first person besides minhyuk and shownu hyung who actually treated me like i was something more than a punching bag and—and that confused me. you confused me, hyung for a while but i liked it because i—i oddly felt safe with you."

kihyun tightens his hold on the boy hearing this. his own heart both flutters and boils and the two intense mixed emotions. he's glad that he is able to provide somewhat of a safe haven for the younger boy but his blood boils thinking of all the people that had mistreated him in ways he shouldn't have been.

"all those people can go fuck themselves in hell for the ways they've treated you," kihyun sneers angrily with his fist clenched tightly. changkyun lightly brushes his nose against kihyun's and circles the older's shoulder blade to calm his anger down. he feels the fist against his side slowly unclench before they rest lightly on his waist. kihyun exhales out and mutters a small apology but the younger gives him a small smile in return. there's no point dwelling about those people and what they've done because the damage was already done.

they both fall into a comfortable silence where one of kihyun's hands plays through the younger's hair while changkyun has a palm over the older's cheek, gently caressing his cheekbones. their noses are still touching and neither of them wanted to move away. kihyun would sometimes crinkle his nose to which changkyun elicit quiet giggles and kihyun's heart would leap all over again. fuck, is he whipped for this boy in his arms.

although his heart is full as of now, filled with so much affection and joy just from the mere presence of the younger boy he can't help but think that changkyun truly does deserve a guy so much better than him. it could be that changkyun can only settle for him because he is all changkyun has ever known; and changkyun grew attached to him because kihyun is his first true friend. kihyun can't help but wonder when changkyun does stand on his own two feet one day and he didn't feel the need to have kihyun around ever so often, would he be able to find someone? kihyun knows that the answer is yes because if people really just stop and talk to the boy it doesn't take long to be infatuated by him.

and he can't deny the sudden sinking feeling in his chest knowing that there is a possibility that changkyun might leave him one day. kihyun wasn't one to fall vulnerable in a relationship and to be honest, he has never taken one seriously either, but just this mere thought scares him because without realizing he's just falling deeper for the boy. a part of him wants to be selfish, to keep the boy forever yet a part of him knows that if changkyun wants to leave him then he should let him go.

"i want to be good enough for you," kihyun whispers to him in their close proximity, loud enough for changkyun to hear. "i know i've let you down so many times but thank you—thank you for giving me another chance."

"hyung, you are good enough," changkyun whispers back sincerely. "you're everything and more i could've asked for."

"i want to better myself so that i can be a man who can properly protect you and also give you all the affection you deserve."

"but—but i like you the way you are. you already protect me and give me so much affection." kihyun gives him a small smile at that as he brings their faces even closer, lips only inches apart.

"for you, i want to try harder because i know i can and because you deserve the best. all for you."

as changkyun's eyes start brimming with tears from the overflowing warmth in his chest, kihyun closes the gap and captures the younger's lips in a soft, gentle kiss, basking in each other's warmth and touches. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry once again! Thank you for reading💖


	66. Chapter 66

kihyun and changkyun are settled comfortably on kihyun's sofa watching **the office** , kihyun laying on the three-seated sofa with changkyun's smaller frame resting on top of him, head on the older's chest. kihyun has an arm over the younger's body caressing his side softly, not hard enough to tickle him. changkyun, on the other hand, has one of his fists curled against kihyun's shirt while the other is intertwined with the older's free hand.

the older male could occasionally feel the smaller body on his vibrate lightly from the soft giggles being emitted by changkyun and every new time makes kihyun kiss the top of his head in sheer endearment. seeing changkyun relaxed and happy in his arms makes him all the more euphoric.

he never knew a person's happiness could affect him _this_ much, but it did—changkyun's mere presence has so much effect on him that it baffles him sometimes how he would get slightly grumpy if he isn't able to spend as much time as he wants to with the younger boy and how his mood gets infinitely better hearing the boy's giggles or just seeing his smile. everything about changkyun is precious to kihyun and he learns to cherish him more and more every day.

kihyun's loses interest in the show as he turns his focus on the boy with him now. he slowly leans his head in to place a soft kiss on the tip of changkyun's ear and the younger boy visibly shivers from the sensation but he doesn't turn around with his focus still on the show. kihyun then trails kisses all the way down the younger's earlobe before taking the lobe between his teeth, lightly grazing over it. changkyun lets out a soft grunt but he doesn't do much to budge after that.

not satisfied, kihyun starts nuzzling his nose against the younger's ear just as the episode for the show comes to an end which causes changkyun to giggle from the tickling sensation. kihyun then moves his nose to lightly rub it behind the younger's ear where he knows he's much more ticklish there and changkyun lets out a louder giggle.

"it tickles, hyung!" changkyun exclaims, trying to move his face into the older's chest. kihyun breaks out into a small chuckle then kiss the spot behind his ear a few times.

changkyun turns his head so that he is face to face with the older male whose eyes turn into a crescent where it hides behind his wide smile.

"hi, baby," kihyun says.

"hello," changkyun replies softly with his own smile widening as he folds his arms on the older's chest and resting his head on it to properly look at kihyun.

"i want to take you out," kihyun tells him as his fingers lightly caress the younger's cheek and this takes the boy by sudden surprise. changkyun tilts his head a little, trying to fully understand what the older really means.

"take me out? as in—as in a date?" changkyun asks unsurely. kihyun hums and nods to that.

"a date, with _you_ ," kihyun confirms. " i really want to take you out on a date. i wanna treat you," kihyun tells him.

"you want to—what, hyung, no! i can't make you pay alone," the younger objects with a pout.

"hey, don't worry. i've saved enough for this date," kihyun reassures. then kihyun leans in and whispers, "best believe i will spoil you rotten someday."

the younger's innocent eyes widen and he gasps. " hy—hyung, no!" he says, blushing crimson as kihyun chuckles at his adorable reaction.

but kihyun wasn't lying.

he does plan on spoiling the boy with riches once he does get a stable income because _his_ boy deserves everything. he had promised to protect changkyun and he also wants to shower the boy with endless affection—affections he had never received growing up. kihyun knows that it will never be enough and it will never replace some of the potholes in the younger's life like what it feels like to have his own parents' affection, but he hopes that the love he, his friends, his parents alongside minhyuk and shownu give will be enough to show changkyun that he truly is loved. kihyun getting him riches is just the icing on the cake of spoiling changkyun the way anyone should.

"is tonight alright?" kihyun asks.

"tonight...." changkyun thinks for a moment. "actually—actually minhyuk hyung is bringing me out to go suit shopping for me since the wedding is getting close," changkyun tells him, and kihyun grins to that.

"my baby wearing a suit?" kihyun states with an eyebrow lifted suggestively.

"do you think i'll look good, hyung? i've never worn a suit before."

"i think the better question is, will i be able to control myself when i see you in a suit," kihyun says, mildly teasing the boy. changkyun's eyes widen once again and he smacks the older's rumbling chest. kihyun chuckles as he hugs the precious boy close to him.

"hyung~" changkyun whines.

"in other words, baby, i bet you'll look fucking amazing in a suit. i can't wait to see you in one," kihyun rephrases which causes the younger's cheeks to redden even more than it already is. changkyun mumbles a small _'thank you'_ and kihyun kisses the top of the flustered boy's head.

"so how about tomorrow night?" kihyun asks now.

"tomorrow night is perfect!"

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

changkyun looks at himself in the mirror once again. he hates what he sees.

this has been his fourth outfit change for tonight and every single one didn't seem to satisfy him; if anything he thinks he looks so much worse than the previous outfit choices.

to say that changkyun is nervous for his first ever date would be a blunt understatement. there are so many emotions rushing through him that he doesn't even know which one of them is rational and which one of them is plain unreasonable. there were a few instances where he just feels like throwing and he had contemplated calling the older to cancel tonight but he didn't have the heart to, not when he had witnessed the bright smile kihyun had on yesterday talking about their soon-to-be date. what more knowing that kihyun had saved up for this one night with changkyun. the younger boy simply couldn't let anyone else down, especially not kihyun.

and so he tells himself to suck it up and that he is worrying unnecessarily but that still doesn't tame his anxiety. if anything it probably made it a tad bit worse because new waves of emotions start to hit him and he just wants to change back into his pjs and curl in his bed where he can shut the whole world up. he doesn't want to disappoint kihyun by not showing up but at the same time he feels like he might disappoint him by showing up instead and these two contradicting thoughts tires him because honestly, he doesn't have that much of mental strength to fight with his inner demons anymore. its more so changkyun arguing a little before he fully succumbs to the profanities.

changkyun lets out a heavy sigh as he closes his eyes, preventing the oncoming tears to fall. he wills himself not to cry which would then ruin the light makeup he had done. and also he didn't want the older worrying why his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. he debates once again whether he should find something else to wear... that is until he hears the doorbell ring.

_oh no._

"changkyunnie, kihyun's here!" minhyuk says from down the hall.

"c—coming, hyung!"

changkyun heart beats hard against his chest as his eyes scan over the figure he sees in the mirror; the petite boy wears a white turtleneck paired with an oversized beige cardigan and black jeans. he tries to tell himself that he looks okay and that (maybe) kihyun would like it. but at the same time the pessimism in his head is loud and it's hard convincing him. he can't stop staring at his scrawny body that's engulfed in the layers of clothing and he thinks the fit cannot look anymore worse.

no doubt he hates the way he looks, moreover he hates the way he's thinking about himself.

with a pessimistic mind, changkyun walks out of his room and down the hallway, praying the night will be somewhat okay. when he reaches the door, minhyuk gives him a warm smile and tells him to enjoy himself. changkyun exhales one last time then walks out the door. changkyun takes hesitant steps towards the older male with his clammy hands clammed together and head slightly lowered.

kihyun instantly turns his wheelchair around when hears the front door open and he smiles wide as he watches his cute boyfriend make his way to him looking simply adorable and fluffy. kihyun himself wore a plain black shirt with a white jacket over the top and denim jeans.

he would be lying if he said that he isn't nervous at all because really he had held onto the wheels of his wheelchair slightly harder moments before to stop the tremble. this technically isn't his first date but it's his first _true_ date where he really wants it to go right.

he takes the boy's hand in his and squeezes it lightly. "hi baby," kihyun says tenderly.

"h—hi, hy—hyung," the boy stutters, and kihyun understands his nervousness. he gently caresses his thumb over the boy's hand to reassures him.

"my mom will bring us there. i'm sorry i can't drive us," kihyun tells him apologetically.

changkyun immediately shakes his head as he goes in front of the older male and bends down a little just so their eyes meet. he pushes his own nervousness aside as his sole focus is on the older male in front of him. he knows that kihyun is a confident man and he doesn't give a shit of what people have to say about him but he knows that to a certain degree kihyun has his own insecurities for being in a wheelchair and kihyun tends to put himself down because of that.

"hyung, it's really alright," changkyun reassures whilst cupping the older's cheek in his palm. "please d—don't feel bad about it. i'm sure tonight will be amazing," the boy says sincerely despite his anxiety coming back slowly. kihyun gives him a small smile. he leans in to share a short sweet kiss with the younger who almost instantly kisses back.

even with changkyun's reassurance, his heart still clenches slightly in his chest where he wished he could drive the younger instead or he could _walk_ alongside the younger with his arm around his waist.

kihyun didn't care about being in a wheelchair but he can't help the slight embarrassment he gets from people staring and he knows people will stare if it's not because two guys are going out together then its because he is in a wheelchair with the thought that changkyun could do so much better than being with a guy in a wheelchair.

"thank you," kihyun says softly, giving him a small smile. changkyun smiles back before leaning in to peck the older's nose in which widens kihyun's smile. "my precious baby, you look so good," kihyun tells him, voice dripping with endearment.

this comment itself sends the younger boy into a blushing mess. he can't help the small smile that's curving upon his lips and his thumping heart calming down. if only kihyun knows how this one simple comment truly means everything to the boy who has been worrying nonstop from the beginning of the day.


	67. Chapter 67

the stares are pretty noticeable from the moment kihyun and changkyun enter the restaurant. changkyun didn't notice it as much as kihyun since the younger boy's focus was on holding the older's (free) hand and also looking down on his two feet making sure he doesn't clumsily trip on himself. kihyun keeps giving worried glances towards the younger boy to see how he's doing and sighs in slight relief to know that changkyun's attention is anywhere but the eyes of people on them.

the waiter brings them to their table that kihyun had reserved earlier today. kihyun places the white bag he had brought with him down before quickly going over to the younger's side to pull up the chair for him, flashing a warm smile towards him. changkyun's eyes widen before he lowers his head slightly with a small blush creeping up his cheek. "thank you, hyung," changkyun says. kihyun then goes to settle himself right in front of the younger who now looks around the restaurant they're in before his eyes settle on the older male, eyes gleaming like a little child in a candy store.

kihyun reaches over the table to takes the younger's hand and gives it a light squeeze. when the waiter comes over both the males didn't miss the way the waiter glances over at their hands, eyes focusing on it a little longer than they like it to and this immediately makes changkyun feel uncomfortable, he feels like he's doing something wrong and not knowing what that is agitates him. it is bad enough that he is anxious for the entire night and his distress about meeting other people didn't help as well. kihyun had managed to calm him down, yet now changkyun's dark thoughts are resurfacing once again.

the younger boy tries to discretely slip his hand out of the older's grasp but kihyun is quick to react by holding onto the younger's hand tight, keeping it in place on the table. the younger's eyes are wide open in reluctance and confusion. kihyun however looks up at the waiter who still seems to be drawn to their connected hands and its beginning to irritate him.

"excuse me," kihyun snaps, and the waiter immediately looks kihyun's way, offering a plastic smile to which kihyun has to refrain himself from rolling his eyes. "we would appreciate it if you could give us a moment to decide our orders. we'll call when we're ready," kihyun tells the waiter tightly. the waiter hastily nods his head and walks away in embarrassment knowing that he has been caught _staring_. when kihyun looks back at changkyun he sees the boy timidly looking around the restaurant almost like he's analyzing the people around him and this saddens him before moments before changkyun was actually _happy_ to be here.

"hey baby," kihyun calls gently, and changkyun visibly flinches at this making kihyun's heart clench at how on edge the younger is now. he starts rubbing his thumb over the younger's hand to soothe him all while looking into his eyes.

kihyun had purposely chosen a spot in the restaurant that is further away from the crowd of tables since he knows of the younger's recently developed social anxiety. he had also reconfirmed with the younger if they should really have their first date at a restaurant and changkyun reassures him multiple times that it will be okay—he will okay because he has kihyun.

it is true that changkyun feels the safest with kihyun (alongside minhyuk and shownu) and so changkyun rationalizes with his anxiety by saying that it won't trigger him as worst as it usually does since kihyun is with him.

"if you want to leave we can. we can go somewhere else."

"that—that wouldn't b—be fair, hyung. you—you spent so much for tonight..." the boy says culpably knowing that kihyun is only suggesting this because he is doing a horrible job at handling his anxiety.

"my first priority will always be you and that means i want to make sure that you're comfortable with whatever or wherever we go," the older explains. "just say it and we can leave. i can bring you somewhere else, changkyun."

the boy is shocked no doubt and he does take a few moments to recollect himself before he shakes his head. he knows that kihyun wouldn't mind the slightest to just leave this place and go somewhere else to continue their date but his anxiety tells him otherwise. it isn't fair to the older who had planned this whole night only for the younger to ruin it because he simply couldn't keep his emotions at bay.

"i'll—i'll be okay, hyung," the boy says, but the older isn't convinced, not when he can clearly see the reluctance in his eyes.

"changkyun—"

"please hyung," the younger begs. "i—i don't want to ruin this night for the both of us by making you change your whole plan. i—i'll be okay, i pro—promise. i'm just nervous and i don't know why. i mean it's just you and me and we're—we're hanging out but not exactly hanging out because—because we're going out as a couple and this—this is my first date so maybe that's why— and i—i don't want to embarrass you by just leaving this place—"

"changkyun, hey," kihyun immediately stops the boy. "where are you getting all these ideas from?"

"h—huh?"

"you're not embarrassing me, don't ever think that," kihyun tells him sadly with his heart breaking a little knowing that changkyun feels this way about himself. "just look at me, baby. focus on me and not everyone else. tonight is just about _us_ and no matter where we spend it it'll be special because it's with you."

"i want t—to spend it here with—with you," changkyun says.

"are you sure?" changkyun nods, not trusting his voice as of now. kihyun sighs to that. "okay. but if at any point you want to leave tell me, okay?" changkyun nods again. kihyun brings the younger's palm up to his lips and plants a lingering kiss on it with his gaze never leaving the younger's.

"i hope you know that i would do anything for you, changkyun. as cheesy as that sounds i really would. to see you smile, i would do anything." changkyun's mouth gapes open as he stares dumbfounded at the male in front of him.

"i—i—hyu—hyung—" the younger stutters horribly as he scrambles the very depth of his jumbled thoughts to find the right words and just as he thinks he does find the right ones it doesn't roll off his tongue right. how was the younger supposed to properly reply when kihyun tells him something like that? he didn't know how because it is the first time he has heard someone—or anyone—tell him something like that which seems a little too good to be true because the next question that runs in his mind is: _why me?_

he didn't understand why the older would go to any extend just for him. changkyun isn't anyone special and yet kihyun would bend over backwards for him. even if this does overwhelm him greatly, he is so much more confused.

"shh~ you don't have to say anything, changkyun. i just wanted you to know that." the boy gives him a cute pout in defeat when he isn't able to give a reply and kihyun chuckles lightly at that. "my cute baby," he coos which instantly sends changkyun blushing.

their night slowly begins after that with changkyun feeling a little more relaxed than when he first came. kihyun hadn't left the younger's hand, not until their food came and when it did the sheer joy on the younger's face fluttered the older's heart. it is worth everything to see changkyun smile, even a little.

they settled on a few light conversations and its almost easy for the younger (and kihyun) to tune the other people surrounding them when they are so engrossed with each other.

when it was their time to choose their dessert they were both equally full by then but they decided to share one dessert together. they both settled for a _lava cake with crème anglaise_ (with the added scope of chocolate ice-cream since it's changkyun's favourite).

it's _almost_ safe to say that changkyun's first date is a success.

"if i wasn't so full i would eat another lava cake," changkyun says, leaning back against his own chair.

"we can always order another lava cake to-go," kihyun suggests. "would you like that, baby?"

"that would be nice. we—we can share that too, hyung."

"anything you want baby," kihyun tells him with a grin. he calls the waiter to order another _lava cake with crème anglaise_ to-go and they wait.

kihyun then remembers about the bag he had brought earlier on. he starts fumbling near the wheels of his wheelchair where he had placed the bag when he arrived. when manages to grasp the bag he lets out a sigh of relief before bringing it up to his lap. he opens the bag a little to see the condition of the gift inside. with another heavy exhale kihyun lifts the bag up over the table and places it closer to changkyun.

changkyun stares at the white bag being placed in front of him with both brows lifted in utter surprise. "oh hyung, are we supposed to bring gifts on dates? i'm sorry i—i didn't know that," changkyun tells him meekly.

"no, no," kihyun quickly says, pushing the bag further up to the younger. "it's just— i—this was supposed to be your _birthday gift_. i—i actually got it a few months before your birthday and yea..." kihyun shamefully trails off knowing what truly happened that fateful day of changkyun's birthday. although he was a month or so late he couldn't find a much better time than tonight to give the gift he has been anticipating for the younger to see.

"oh," changkyun says softly, speechless to say the least. he takes the bag and places it on his lap then curiously peers into it to see a purple wrapped box inside. changkyun looks back up at kihyun expectantly.

"you can open it now if you want to." and changkyun does. he carefully takes out the box only to realize that it is quite _heavy_ which piqued his interest even more to know it's content. he starts prying the paper off and his eyebrows knit together in confusion. he sees a white and red box underneath and this prompts him to tears the paper off faster only for the younger boy's eyes to widen and for his jaw to drop in a loud gasp.

changkyun's heart can't help but sink in utter guilt.

changkyun didn't know how to process this. his lightly teared gaze looks up to kihyun who has a hopeful smile plastered on his face.

"hyu—hyung—"

"i hope you like, changkyun," kihyun tells him with heavily induced sincerity that it makes changkyun's heart sink even more.

his eyes start to burn as he properly examines the box in his hand while reading the words printed on it over and over again: **CANON EOS R**.

never had he ever thought that someone would buy him _a camera_. changkyun used to have one, a fairly cheap one he bought with his own savings before and that too now lies untouched in his room.

he wanted to tell kihyun—he wanted to tell him that photography isn't his passion anymore, he wanted to tell him that just the thought of going outside with the camera in his hand doesn't excite him anymore like it used to.

he used to take pictures of what he thought were pretty and should be admired, but looking back at it now those were just petty reasons for him to find the simplest things that were worth appreciating in his every day shitty life. he needed something that gets him up every day and photography _used_ to be one of them.

changkyun wants to tell kihyun because he should know this but he didn't have the heart to, not when kihyun is smiling this brightly at him, not when he's looking at him with so much hope and happiness. he didn't have the heart to take away that smile especially when the older had spent enough days crying because of him.

"th—thank you, hyung..." changkyun says.

changkyun couldn't tell kihyun that his heart didn't beat for the same interests and passion anymore—and that his heart is now merely just beating with no sole reason or purpose anymore. just like how his heart _used to_ beat when he rambled on about the night sky filled with billions of stars, his heart doesn't beat the same way when it comes to photography too.


	68. Chapter 68

changkyun frowns when he realizes that kihyun didn't give a single reaction to his tickling attempt. changkyun is looking up at the male who's reading a journal article assigned by his lecturer that day on his laptop and the older male can't hide the faint smile growing on his lips from the younger's actions. yet kihyun doesn't give in; he continues reading the journal article, pretending like he didn't notice what the younger was trying to do.

changkyun on the other hand didn't want to stop—more so didn't want to give up on finding kihyun's tickle spot. he tries once again.

he brings his hand to the side of the older's abdomen and tries to tickle him once more and yet again kihyun doesn't give a reaction at all—but kihyun's smile did widen from this.

"not ticklish?" the younger mumbles (more to himself), frown deepening. "that's not fair!" he huffs with his hand dropping to the side. kihyun puts his laptop aside on the bed and gives changkyun an amused smile seeing the pout on the younger male.

"aw, my pouty baby," kihyun coos as he encloses his arms around the younger's waist, silently beckoning for him to sit over his legs. changkyun moves over and straddles kihyun's legs, pout still very much visible on his lips.

"what's not fair?" the older asks, amusement laced in his voice.

"you're not ticklish!"

kihyun chuckles at that, humming in agreement. changkyun then lifts his hands to tickle under the older's chin, thinking this might actually work. but it doesn't which makes changkyun pout harder and kihyun laughing heartily.

"and why is it that you want to tickle me so bad, hm?" he queries with a raised brow, eyes only ever going soft for the boy in front of him.

"because y—you always tickle me and—and i want you t—to suffer too," changkyun answers clearly displeased at the fact that kihyun isn't the slightest bit ticklish around his abdomen and under his chin like he is.

"being ticklish isn't _so_ bad."

"you say that because you don't feel ticklish, hyung," the boy retorts with arms crossing against his chest and face turned away. with a grin on kihyun's face, he leans in and plants a chaste kiss right at the corner of the younger's lips. changkyun gasps slightly before looking back at the older male. he feels the warmth rushing to his cheeks and he is sure there is a tint of pink on them.

"you know, there is a positive side to being ticklish."

"not possible," changkyun quickly answers, shaking his head adamantly.

"i can show you if you want," kihyun offers. changkyun doesn't object, if anything the boy looks at him with sheer curiosity. kihyun places both his hands under changkyun's legs and carefully pulls him closer so that he straddles his upper thighs. changkyun instinctively wraps his arms around the older's neck, staring at him intently as he waits for what kihyun will do next.

"baby, you see if you weren't ticklish i wouldn't be able to do this—"

and kihyun kisses changkyun, almost immediately devouring the boy's lips. changkyun does gasp into the sudden kiss but he quickly recovers from the shock as he, too, kisses back with the same intensity.

he no longer ponders around feeling unsure with how to go about a kiss because kissing kihyun is a normal thing now. changkyun did have his doubts and insecurities earlier on whenever they would kiss and these pessimistic thoughts only grew after they parted wondering if he had done a good job at _kissing_. but kihyun always reassures the boy. the older would even kiss him again after only seconds of parting because he truly can't get enough of the boy. it drives kihyun much more insane when he does kiss changkyun and he so happens to get a taste of the younger's flavored lip balm which pretty much varies every day (with the flavor _strawberry_ being the most frequent). it's hard to stop himself and it almost seems like he didn't mind not breathing when he can kiss changkyun the whole time.

changkyun wouldn't say that he is full-on confident in kissing but he is bold enough to initiate some kisses and for some instances even deepening the kiss, wanting so much more than what he is getting.

kihyun's hands slowly move towards the younger's bums, pulling the boy even closer to him before settling them on his waist. he then starts to lightly squeeze the younger's waist making changkyun squirm a little in his hold but his full attention still remains on the kiss. not too long after kihyun caresses both the younger's sides, starting to tickle him, and almost immediately changkyun's kiss slows down as an array of giggles interrupt their session.

just the mere feeling of changkyun's smile against the older's lips is enough to have his heart hammering in sheer euphoria. kihyun quickly claims back the younger's lips as he starts tickling the boy once more and again changkyun giggles, smiling so widely into the kiss.

what kihyun doesn't know is that changkyun's own butterflies in his stomach start fluttering restlessly when he feels the older male's smile as well as they kiss and changkyun loves this. this small gesture, something as simple as a smile as they kiss is enough to make changkyun's heart flip and he wants more of this, to feel kihyun's smile against his own (swollen) lips. he just about forgets the fact that kihyun is tickling him because he is so lost in this moment of euphoria.

they finally pull apart with changkyun holding onto both the older's wrist to stop him from tickling him. they are both panting but the smiles on their lips never fade as they stare endearingly into each other's eyes. kihyun slips one of his hands out of the younger's grasp to gently trace his thumb over the younger's now _very_ red lips.  
  
"and _this_ is exactly why it isn't so bad being ticklish," kihyun concludes. "i don't know if i told you this before but it feels so fucking amazing to feel your smile against my lips when we kiss," kihyun tells him and changkyun's ears instantly turn red at the older's blunt statement.

"hyung~ y—you can't s—say things like—like that so easily!" he whines meekly, head slightly lowered from the blush that's becoming darker on his cheeks because changkyun feels the same.

he loves the feeling of kihyun's smile against his lips when they kiss.  
  
"i'm just stating a fact and i thought you should know that. plus, i love kissing you," kihyun adds, yet again bluntly that changkyun smacks the older's chest from utter embarrassment.

"hyung, stop~" kihyun laughs heartily at this as he embraces the boy into his chest, hugging him tight with pure love and admiration.

kihyun's life isn't infinitely better now that he's in a relationship or that he had patched up with his friends. he still has guilt deep within his chest that he often thinks about. he's still the rude dickhead people know him by and of course, there are moments where he argues with his parents due to disagreements. but he can confidently say that his life is brighter, so much brighter than it previously was.

he who once found relationships ridiculous and at times envied what his friends had, now cherishes these bubbly feelings that blossoms every day with changkyun. his life was tolerable and plain but now it's seems colored, painted with beautiful kisses, intimate touches, and precious moments where they laugh and cry together; hold each other and comfort one another.

kihyun knows he's lucky in so many ways—he's lucky to be alive after that accident, he is lucky to have great friends, he is lucky that his parents still love him despite his difficult attitude and he is certainly lucky to have changkyun. he knows he doesn't deserve any of these and yet he is blessed with them and he will always be grateful for them.

kihyun looks down to the boy in his arms then plants a tender on top of his head. "is my baby still shy?"

"shut up, hyung," changkyun grumbles as he snuggles into his chest more.

just then they hear a knock coming from kihyun's door and both their heads turn to see kihyun's mother by the door. kihyun can feel the boy stiffen in his hold and so he uses one of his hands to caress his back, whispering reassurance into his _right_ ear. changkyun listens to the older and exhales heavily but he does press his body closer to kihyun even when it is slightly relaxed.

"hi sweetheart," mrs yoo greets benignly with a smile towards changkyun. she is well aware of changkyun's hesitancy towards her and her husband and so she doesn't push the boy in any way.

"h—hello," changkyun replies softly which makes mrs yoo very happy. the boy offers a small smile as well, partially proud of himself for speaking to her even if it was just a word.

"kihyun," she calls, attention now directed to her son. "we need to leave in five minutes," she tells him. kihyun nods, understanding what his mother is saying with his heart rate accelerating a little thinking about where she's taking him. "i'll be waiting in the car." she bids changkyun goodbye before leaving the both of them.

curiosity immediately piques the younger boy but he halts his questions when the hand that's placed over kihyun's heart feels his increasing heartbeat. the boy frowns and looks up worriedly at kihyun.

"hyung, what's wrong?" changkyun asks, thick with concern. that's when he sees the hesitation and nervousness swimming in the older's eyes and kihyun tries to masks these emotions behind a small smile as he takes changkyun's hand that's over his heart, kissing it a few times.

"can I get another kiss before i go?" kihyun asks.

even when the older had purposely dodged the younger's question changkyun cannot say 'no' to that request. so this time the boy initiates the kiss by leaning in to attach his lips on kihyun's. the kiss this round isn't hungry as before; it is sweet, slow, and innocent; they hold reassurance and comfort, just what kihyun needs to ease himself as of this moment with where he is going.

kihyun pecks the younger's lips once, then his nose before placing a lingering kiss on his forehead, silently thanking changkyun.

"hyung..." changkyun says apprehensively.

"i'll be alright, baby. it's just trying out new things for the first time can be scary. you know that right?" changkyun nods. "i'm just a little nervous." changkyun wants to ask more with questions upon questions piling up in his head but kihyun beats him to it.

"i know you have a lot of questions, baby, but i can't answer them yet. i'm sorry," kihyun apologizes. changkyun's face visibly falls wondering what's so big a secret that he couldn't disclose at least where he is going. this breaks kihyun's heart to watch the younger's disheartening expression but he hadn't done it intentionally because in the long run he knows it'll be will be worth it—he _hopes_ at least.

"please don't think too much about it, okay? i promise it's nothing bad. all i can say is that i'm trying to better myself—for you."


	69. Chapter 69

the chimes by the door announce the couple's entry to this rustic cafe. they are both instantly greeted by the baristas at the counter and they return with a polite smile (more so kihyun returned a smile and changkyun just lowered his head, mostly facing kihyun to avoid any sort of awkward eye contact).

"you go find us a table and i'll order our drinks, is that alright with you, baby?" kihyun asks as he gently rubs his thumb over the younger's hand to calm his nerves down since he can already feel the boy shaking slightly. changkyun hesitantly looks around the cafe scanning the beautiful interior, eyeing each and every table both occupied and unoccupied before sighing internally that there aren't that many people around the cafe this particular day.

changkyun finally nods and the older gives him a proud smile.

"strawberry latte, right?" the boy nods again with a small smile. kihyun gives him a kiss on his hand and lets go to head to the counter. changkyun watches kihyun wheeling himself to line up by the counter then the boy turns around to search for a perfect, private, spot.

changkyun clams his hands together as they start to sweat with the anxiety slowly starting to peek from within him. there's nothing to be scared (or nervous) about, and yet the countless thoughts in his head tell him otherwise. changkyun takes in a few deep breathes and looks around the cafe properly. his eyes land on a spot just by the window; it is a single-seater which is perfect because it has just enough room for kihyun to settle at the other end (and it is by the far corner which gives them enough privacy). 

changkyun approaches the square table and takes a seat at the one chair that's facing outside the window to the view of the busy streets of seoul.

while waiting for kihyun, changkyun admires the interior decoration of this cafe. he loves the intricate designs carved on the woods both of the furniture and walls surrounding the cafe. 

changkyun was so lost in his own admiration for the designs around him that the only reason he ever did turn around and whip his head towards the direction of the counter is when he heard a loud _crash_. the startled boy raises his head to properly see what's going on only to have his heart sink when he sees kihyun.

kihyun is off his wheelchair, his whole body on the floor—his arms supporting his upper body the best it can—with the tray of their drinks he was carrying spilled all around him including getting a few customers as well. changkyun immediately gets up and runs to kihyun who by this time is being helped up by the baristas to get back on his wheelchair.

"hy—hyung!" he calls worriedly, bending down right in front of the older male who looks slightly shaken up. changkyun lightly caresses the older male's cheek to get him to look at him since it seems like he's lost in his own thoughts.

kihyun slowly reverts his gaze towards changkyun and the boy sighs in relief. "hyung, it's—it's okay," changkyun tells him, trying to console kihyun from his shock but kihyun only frowns. his gaze drops to the floor and he sees the mess he created around him. his frown deepens along with his own self-hatred slowly bubbling within himself.

changkyun's own gaze drops to the floor and he sees both their drinks wasted.

"hyu—"

"fucking hell!" someone yells just beside them causing changkyun to flinch visibly. kihyun looks up to one of the male customers who apparently has stains from the fallen drinks on his slacks. 

"stupid _cripple_ , ruining people's day," another customer curses glaring at kihyun.

changkyun gasps at the insensitive word used against kihyun. changkyun knew that kihyun has his fair share of mistreatments from being in a wheelchair but today is one where he experiences first hand the mistreatment after hearing incidents after incidences from kihyun before and it only breaks changkyun's heart. hearing the incidences was one thing but to actually hear horrid insults being thrown to someone who had no control over their body is so much more heart wrenching—what more does kihyun feel?

"hy—hyung..."

"i—i'm o—okay," kihyun mumbles. 

but he isn't and changkyun sees the way kihyun's eyes water and smile wavers and changkyun doesn't know if he's in tears from the pain of falling off his wheelchair or from the utter embarrassment he feels right now with every pair of eyes solely on them.

kihyun feels the slight pain around his abdomen and on the palms of his hands from the impact of falling but fuck have kihyun never felt anymore embarrassed in his life than now. kihyun had never cared about being in a wheelchair and he had certainly never felt any sort of insecurity with people's (obvious) stares on him. but it changed—or more so his insecurities of being in a wheelchair seems situational now. 

kihyun doesn't care but at the same time he does and when he does _care_ he knows he's damned if he does anything embarrassing—like tripping over the wires on the floor which then caused him to lose his balance, falling and dropping the drinks. he knew he is damned if changkyun was there to witness it all, and today changkyun has and all kihyun wants to do right now is run away and just hide. but he can't. all he can do is _sit_ in a wheelchair and let his self-hate wallow him up.

it was one thing to come crying to changkyun where kihyun didn't mind the younger witnessing his vulnerability, but it is a whole other thing to have changkyun witness his unfortunate encounters where kihyun not only feel vulnerable and open to changkyun but he also feels like he's been stripped bare of whatever pride he has left in front of other people.

the baristas had reassured both changkyun and kihyun that they would make the same drinks again and bring it to them and that they didn't have to worry about the mess. although kihyun had apologized numerous times to the baristas, they were understanding enough to let them be. changkyun ends up pushing the kihyun's wheelchair to the table he had chosen and the younger takes his own seat right in front of the older male. when changkyun looks up he expected kihyun to be looking at him instead, he catches the older male staring outside of the window just beside him and he seems so far gone.

changkyun has seen kihyun's vulnerable side before and he thought he has familiarised himself with it but he is wrong. what he's witnessing now is something different; kihyun is trying to keep his facade from crumbling anymore than it already did by hiding his emotions behind cold eyes. the younger had reached forward to take the older's hand, lightly squeezing it even to get his attention but he gets none. 

just then a barista comes over and places both their drinks on the table—a strawberry latte for changkyun and an iced americano for kihyun. the older male didn't turn around to thank the barista (more like he couldn't bear to face them) and so changkyun thanks them with a small smile.

the younger boy frowns at the older's lack of response—again.

the anxiety within changkyun only grows because he doesn't know exactly what the older is thinking about; he doesn't know if kihyun is angry or if he's sad. he doesn't even know what are the right words he should say to the older as of now. he knows he could just let kihyun be in his thoughts and (maybe) if he's lucky kihyun would turn to look at him and talk to him even a little. but he didn't want to waste their whole date _waiting._ and he certainly didn't want to sit there with his strawberry latte and just look at the older knowing that he _could_ do something even if it doesn't work.

_trying is better than doing nothing at all._

so changkyun swallows the lump in his throat as he tries to appease the growing anxiety with thoughts of the older male; he wants to see kihyun smile even a little and he knows that the slightest smile from the older will instantaneously lighten his mood. he just has to try and go with whatever his gut tells him to do. 

one of the few times changkyun had listened to his guts was when he first saw kihyun coming out of his house crying. he took his chances by following him to the park and he was glad he did because even if his words didn't do much to console the older than, it was his company itself that mattered. the younger's sudden presence did take kihyun off guard but he would admit that that day when changkyun had randomly talked about nature questioning things he never thought to question, the younger had unintentionally took kihyun's mind off his problem, making him feel lighter. 

changkyun gets up and brings his chair over to the older male so that he's sitting right beside him. this catches kihyun's attention as for the first time after a while he looks up to the younger boy confusedly who has placed his chair right next to him, close. 

changkyun then instead of sitting on the chair he sits on kihyun's lap _first_ , taking the older male by surprise, and almost instantly the boy circles his arms around kihyun's neck, hugging him. kihyun stiffens at the younger's sudden embrace but eventually, he encloses his own arms around the younger's waist, hugging him back. 

kihyun's choked up from this one hug that he never knew he needed with the sudden gush of emotions flooding through him. the younger always surprises him no doubt and just like before, he feels safe in changkyun's embrace and so he lets himself sink in this warmth. kihyun buries his face into changkyun's neck, tightening the hug even more.

changkyun feels kihyun's hot breath fanning raggedly against his neck. when they pull away the younger sees the older's swollen red eyes as he's trying to stop himself from breaking down any further.

changkyun sits back on his own chair before turning kihyun's wheelchair and pulling him closer to the boy. he then leans in and lightly pads his thumb over kihyun's swollen eyes, wiping away the tears clinging onto kihyun's lashline. kihyun's lips start to tremble as they try to form coherent words for the younger to hear. 

"i'm—sorry changkyun," kihyun says tightly, gaze falling once again.

"hyung, don't apologize," changkyun immediately says. 

"it's just—i'm so fucking useless, aren't i, being in this stupid fucking wheelchair? how did—how did i not see those extension cables? i can't even bring the fucking drinks properly without dropping the whole tray!" kihyun snaps at his own self with so much anger. 

"hyung..." changkyun calls sadly, hearing all these harsh words kihyun is saying about himself.

"i really am just a _cripple_ ," kihyun utters, remembering the words of the customer before and kihyun thinks—no, he knows he wasn't wrong. kihyun is a cripple who deems himself utterly useless. besides that customer isn't the first to call him that anyway. 

hearing this breaks changkyun's heart even more because he knows how simple words really do affect people. they don't lie when they say that words are a powerful weapon and sometimes ignorant people tend to forget how a single word can be easily embedded into someone's mind and they repeat like a broken record at their most helpless state, making them believe words of themselves even when it isn't close to true.

changkyun holds onto one of kihyun's hands on his lap before saying, "hyung, you said you didn't care being in a wheelchair. you said you didn't care what people had to say about you—"

"i don't," kihyun mutters defensively as he looks at changkyun in the eyes, holding onto his ground.

"then why _now_?" changkyun questions. "why—why are you suddenly saying all these things about yourself when you don't care?" and kihyun couldn't answer him. "is it because you're with me? you're embarrassed about yourself when you're with me, aren't you?" 

kihyun doesn't answer again as this time he averts his gaze away from changkyun once more and changkyun instantly gets his silent answer, unfortunately.

"hyung, why would you ever need to be embarrassed when we're together?"

"because people talk, changkyun," kihyun snaps. 

"but why do you sudddenly care?" the younger presses, trying to understand what kihyun is saying. 

"i know i said i dont care about what people have to say about me but i—i can't help it when they're talking about _you_ and i know most will question why you're with me." changkyun's eyes widen at this because never once had he ever had these thoughts cross his mind. and really how could changkyun have ever had these thoughts occur to him when his own mind had always been occupied by his own demons? 

now, the younger feels stupid for always assuming the best out of kihyun who had always managed to pull-off a though exterior when really deep inside he does have his own insecuritites that comes from being in a wheelchair. the younger has failed to acknowledge sometimes.

"i hate it when people look at u—look at _you_ — because i know, i fucking know that i dont deserve you at all and the fact that i still have you around, i'm so fucking lucky. you deserve better than a cripple like me."

"no!" the young boy sternly retorts. "hyung, stop calling yourself that."

"changkyun—"

"no, listen to me," the boy says adamantly. changkyun hooks his finger under the older's chin and turns his head so that kihyun's eyes stay on the younger's. 

"i don't ever want to hear you call yourself that again. hyung, you are so much more than that label and—and that label itself isn't right at all to begin with. just because you or anyone else isn't able to walk, talk, or even do things the 'normal' way everyone does, doesn't mean you deserve to be categorized any differently," changkyun tells him.

"hyung, you told me i shouldn't be treated like a punching bag because i'm human and that goes for you too; you shouldn't be belittled just because you're in a wheelchair that's helping you to move around. you and i—we are still the same human beings; we need food and water to survive, we need oxygen to breathe and—" changkyun presses his palm lightly against kihyun's chest where his heart beats slightly hard. "—and we both have a beating heart."

changkyun then lifts the hand up to cup kihyun's cheek, making sure the older's gaze never falter away from his. 

"i've never noticed it before but now looking back at the subtle ways you would act or apologize to me—hyung, the way you put yourself down for the condition you're in, i wish you wouldn't do that and i wish i could've told you this before. don't you know that i don't care whether you're in a wheelchair or not?" the younger imparts sadly. 

kihyun stays quiet but his eyes hold so much deperation for reassurance. changkyun is seeing kihyun's vulnerability up close and it is heartbreaking but he is proud of himself for being strong for kihyun—strong enough to hold the kihyun until he is able to pick the broken piece of himself back up.

"i don't care that you can't drive us around. i don't care if we can't go or do certain things because it'll be hard for you and i don't care what people think of us when we're together because whatever it is i am the happiest with you."

kihyun didn't know he needed to hear these words. and he certainly didn't think he would end up tearing up from such words as well. the tears seem to come so much faster now as one starts trailing down his cheek with his gaze still on the comfort of the younger. changkyun brings his other hand over to caress away the stray tear. 

"hyung, i hope you know that you are not any less just because you're in a wheelchair."

kihyun lets out a heavy sigh and leans his forehead against changkyun's, eye closed for a moment as he just soaks in the younger's words and his touch. he then feels the gentle caress against his cheeks again only to feel wet traces being wiped away.

"please don't cry, hyung," changkyun whispers then plants a kiss on the older's nose. kihyun takes in a sharp breath before he opens his eyes and leans back a little to look at changkyun. the younger wipes away the remaining tears off the older's cheeks, lips adorning a small smile to encourage the older to smile as well. 

"what can i do to make you feel better, hyung?" changkyun asks.

"you—just _you_ ," kihyun replies softly. changkyun gives a small pout at that vague answer.

"hyung, come on, there must be something else." kihyun shakes his head before leaning into changkyun, hugging the boy. changkyun almost instantly wraps his arms around the older, squeezing him back tightly.

"just you," kihyun repeats with certainty. 

but changkyun isn't satisfied with that answer. he wonders how can _he_ make kihyun feel better? all changkyun did so far were saying a few words and giving slight physical affection—things he thought might help the older—which really isn't much, that's what changkyun thinks. 

"hyung, wait a moment!" the younger suddenly avers pulling away from the hug as an idea pops into his head—he isn't sure how much this will cheer the older up but it doesn't hurt to try. 

changkyun pecks the older's lips hastily before getting up to run to the counter. kihyun's confused gaze trains on his boy who he can see is talking to the barista at the counter. he knows changkyun is anxious and nervous from the way he is moving his feet back and forth and how his hands are tightly clamped together. he might even guess that changkyun is stuttering now but nonetheless the boy is still there, talking before moments later pulls out his wallet and with trembling hands hand over some money.

when changkyun comes back kihyun sees him carrying a tray filled with two plates stacked with waffles; one drizzled with chocolate syrup and topped with chocolate ice-cream while the other is drizzled with caramel and topped with vanilla ice-cream. the younger places the tray right infront of kihyun as he takes his seat right beside him. the older male instantly looks at changkyun, waiting for an explanation as to why he decided to buy waffles. 

changkyun sheepishly says, "i—i didn't kn—know which one you liked best so i got you both since i knew you like both chocolate and caramel." kihyun's heart instanly melts at the younger's gesture. "i hope—" kihyun cuts the younger boy off halfway by kissing him gratefully on his lips, finally showing a small smile.

kihyun isn't smiling at the fact that he had gotten waffles topped with his favored flavors, but he's smiling at the fact that changkyun who he knows suffers from social anxiety had chosen to push that aside to go order waffles with kihyun's favored toppings all by himself just so the older would feel better. 

he's smiling because he feels beyond touched by the younger's action. he would never ask changkyun to go out of his comfort zone just to make kihyun feel better and yet that's what the younger had done without anyone telling him to do so. 

kihyun just needs changkyun. he isn't lying when he said he had only needed changkyun to feel better because honestly the boy's touch, his hugs, his kisses, heck even his words are enough to comfort the older in ways he can't fully comprehend. 

"thank you, changkyun" kihyun whispers out the words, still completely overwhelmed. the boy's smile widens at this and changkyun is proud of himself for this small accomplishment. 

"hyung," changkyun calls meekly. the older hums, full attention on him once again. "call—call me _'baby',_ hyung," the younger says with his cheeks tinting. changkyun does like his name but when kihyun calls it now it sounds too serious and he very much wants to lighten the mood between them. 

kihyun's smiles wider. the older cups both his hands on changkyun's cheeks and pulls the boy in for a gentle, sweet kiss.

"thank you, _baby_ ," kihyun says against changkyun's lips, pecking it again. "my sweet baby, thank you so much." the boy flusters red but his heart is fluttering with pure endearment. 


	70. Chapter 70

"you know, this really isn't necessary," kihyun grumbles from the side as he watches hyungwon go through his closet to find the few suits the male owns. he knows that hyungwon is a pain in the ass—at least to him hyungwon is a pain in _his_ ass—but he didn't think this friend of his can get anymore on his nerve than he already does. he knew he shouldn't have told his friends about being invited to a wedding and that too a wedding changkyun is going to which so happens to be the wedding of changkyun's brother. and how convenient that they all planned to come over to help kihyun with his outfit pick on the same day he needs wonho's help for a ride.

"oh, it really is," hyungwon says, head still buried deep inside kihyun's closet. kihyun sighs tiredly, knowing it will take more convincing for hyungwon to leave his closet alone; unless he is able to drag wonho back into his room to persuade his boyfriend to stop going through kihyun's closet. it's a plausible option but the chances of wonho choosing kihyun over hyungwon's opinion are slim.

"you're wasting your time. you could be spending this precious time with your boyfriend, you know?"

"or it could be that you're salty you can't spend this _precious time_ with _your_ boyfriend," hyungwon counters, throwing a look over his shoulder before continuing what he was doing. "admit it, you're fucking whipped for that boy."

"that shall remain between me and changkyun, thank you very much. and i would also appreciate it if you could kindly move away from my closet. again, for the fifth time." kihyun tries tugging at the taller male but hyungwon ends up smacking his hand away without the slightest bit fazed.

"kihyun, don't tell me you're planning to go to the wedding in your jeans and shirt," the taller male retorts with an incredulous eye roll.

"jeez, way to spoil my plan," kihyun answers sarcastically.

hyungwon throws him another annoyed look. it would help if kihyun would (maybe) input in some of his efforts as well to search for his suits but to be honest finding the perfect suit doesn't really concern the wheel-chaired male. that's not to say that he will show up to the wedding in mere jeans and a shirt, he does plan to wear something formal but a suit was definitely not on his mind—at least not until his friends brought it up.

"i don't get why you have to do it now. the wedding is in like what—in two to three weeks?"

"because _mr-i'm-planning-to-wear-jeans-and-shirt-to-a-wedding-ceremony—"_

"—you know i'm not actually going to wear jeans and shirt, rig—"

"— if the suits you own don't fit you anymore we can go buy new ones or better yet have one tailor-made just for you!"

"you do realize that this is not _my_ wedding i'm attending."

"not yet," hyungwon mumbles.

"excuse me?" kihyun questions with a raised brow.

"i said, _i don't care_ ," hyungwon rephrases. "you wouldn't want to embarrass changkyun by being underdressed, right?"

"besides, you're his date for the night," wonho adds, making his presences known as he enters kihyun's room and settles on kihyun's bed. "i mean we presume you are."

"where's changkyun?" kihyun asks, completely ignoring what his friend said when he sees the built-male coming in alone.

"he's in the kitchen with jooheon."

"they're _still_ there? i thought you guys just wanted to get a drink?" kihyun questions.

"changkyun accidentally spilled hot water on his hand so jooheon's tending to him now."

"he—what!" kihyun screams, fully alarmed by what he hears and he is ready to burst out the door to check on the younger boy.

"kihyun relax," wonho tells him.

"changkyun spilled hot water on himself. how can i relax?" kihyun snaps, glaring at his friend who looks anything but worried. truthfully, it's hard for kihyun not to worry about changkyun because he will surely be damned if something—anything—were to happen to him and he gets hurts. he never wants changkyun to get hurt in any way again.

"it's not that bad. jooheon's running changkyun's hand under the tap water and from what we saw it's not blistering which is good. i gave them the aloe vera cream just in case." kihyun still isn't convinced. he will only be at ease when he sees changkyun for himself. "anyways, back to what hyungwon said, you wouldn't want to embarrass your date right?" kihyun lets out another huff before he focuses his attention back on the male on his bed.

"but this isn't prom?"

"finally i found one!" hyungwon exclaims as he pulls out a black-colored notch lapel suit from the closet. he brings it up to show the both of them. "the invitation says it's a _plus-one_ ," the taller informs him, bringing the suit over to the bed to lay it down carefully.

"doesn't that mean like bring gifts or some shit like that?" hyungwon face palms himself with wonho chuckling amusingly.

" _plus-one_ means you need to bring a date, idiot!" hyungwon snits.

"if not a date then perhaps a friend or a temporary company, but in this case you have changkyun," wonho adds.

"yes! you have changkyun and changkyun has you with the added bonus that you're both attending the same wedding!"

"still, i don't have to be overly fancy. i can just wear a dress shirt and some slacks, you know? i—" kihyun pauses halfway when he sees jooheon walking into the room with changkyun following behind.

his heart sinks a little watching how changkyun cradles his now red arm. he instantly beckons for the younger to come to him and changkyun without hesitation goes onto kihyun's lap with the older male quickly engulfing his smaller frame. he kisses the skin on the side of his neck before looking down at the boy worriedly.

"are you okay?" kihyun asks softly, so tenderly.

there is no doubt that the three of his friends are utterly shocked at how gentle kihyun can really be and they know this can only be so if he is with changkyun. sure there are occasions where kihyun would quiet down and he is gentle with his friends but with changkyun his friends get to see the slightly vulnerable side of the wheel-chaired male. they see first hand how he lets his guards down in front of changkyun and he sees how openly he showers the younger with affection when all they have known for the entirety of their friendship is that kihyun is reserved when it comes to expressing his true emotions.

it is true that kihyun is a whole different person with the younger that sometimes kihyun doesn't even realize that this soft part of him exists until his friends tell him so. changkyun does wonders to kihyun and they couldn't be any more grateful that both kihyun and changkyun have each other.

"it still stings a little but it feels better, hyung," changkyun replies with a small smile as he looks up at the older. kihyun sighs and leans in to kiss the younger's forehead.

"please be careful next time," kihyun tells him, tone evident with sadness. changkyun cups the older's cheek and with a pout. he didn't mean to upset or worry kihyun but at the same time, he can't help his clumsy self.

"i'm sorry, hyung. i promise to be more careful," the younger says and kihyun smiles a little. changkyun takes the initiative this time to kiss kihyun's nose to which kihyun would always smile wider seeing as that the younger boy is slowly coming out of his shell around him especially during intimate moments like this.

"that was fucking wholesome!" jooheon cries, hitting wonho's arm as he squeals. changkyun flinches from the sudden loud interruption and he unintentionally holds onto kihyun a little tighter as a fight-or-flight response for defense. kihyun holds the boy close and glares up at his dimpled- friend for scaring changkyun like that. sometimes they tend to forget that changkyun is still jumpy around certain things like loud noises.

"oh—i'm sorry, changkyunnie!" jooheon quickly apologizes. the said boy turns towards jooheon and shakes his head, telling him ' _it's okay'_ with a smile.

kihyun hugs the boy and gently nuzzles his nose behind the younger's _left_ ear before placing a tender kiss on the skin and another just by the tip of the same ear. changkyun feels the light squeeze in his chest from the affection he is receiving and he does notice how they don't ache like they once do before whenever he is reminded of his defected ear. the squeeze in his heart it isn't bad; it's showing him that he is slowly accepting the fact that it is okay not being able to hear from this one ear.

it's a reminder now—a reminder kihyun wants changkyun to remember that _he'll be okay_.

changkyun had cried the first time kihyun did this. he remembers it was when they were lying down together in the younger's bed where kihyun held him close. kihyun had his face buried in changkyun's neck while changkyun's was snuggled close to kihyun's chest. the younger couldn't hear much considering his _right_ ear was pressed against the older's chest and he could tell kihyun was saying something but the most he got were the blurred muffles and that was all.

no matter how hard changkyun had tried to strain his hearing he couldn't make out the words kihyun was saying and the younger hates himself for this. he snuggled himself closer to kihyun's chest as he tries to suppress his frustrated cries. he had spent enough nights crying about it and he thought he had finally come to terms with the fact that he'll have to live with hearing just from one ear now. but he's wrong. because for some reason it still hurts him to know that he had lost his hearing in the most helpless way—he had prayed to be safe but he got this in return.

when kihyun took notice of the younger's state, kihyun leans back only to see changkyun silently crying. kihyun asks him what's wrong with heavy concern but the boy refused to tell him at first and kihyun didn't mind that the younger didn't want to tell him. instead, he pulls the boy closer to him and plants repeated kisses on his _left_ ear as well as the skin around it. this only causes changkyun to break down harder. and kihyun knows why now.

 _"i'll love this part of you for you until you can love it yourself,"_ kihyun told him.

changkyun had asked him " _why?"_. he questions why kihyun would want to love a part of him that's no longer useful. and kihyun simply replied, _"that's the part that needs loving the most."_

now, it's not to say that changkyun doesn't feel hurt from the fact that he can't hear from one ear, but he's slowly starting to accept the fact that it is okay. if kihyun can love that part of him, changkyun can learn to love it too, eventually.

"changkyun, what are you wearing to the wedding?" hyungwon asks, bringing both their attentions to hyungwon who happens to find another suit (a noir classic fit suit) in kihyun's closet. he brings that out as well and places it beside the first one he found.

"i'm—i'm wearing a suit," changkyun answers him.

"you see, kihyun! changkyun's wearing a suit."

"that's because my baby's the best man of the wedding," kihyun says defensively.

"and you're the best man's _date_ to the wedding," wonho interjects, stating his point. changkyun's cheeks start flaring red hearing what the built-man had just said. he eyes the suits on the bed then turns to look at kihyun. the older's attention immediately goes to the boy.

"are you wearing a suit to the wedding too, hyung?" changkyun asks with his eyes twinkling with anticipation.

"erm..." kihyun hesitates.

"changkyunnie, do you want kihyun to wear a suit at your brother's wedding?" hyungwon queries sneakily. jooheon takes one of kihyun's pillow and throws it at the taller male.

"you need to be smart when you ask your question, dumbass," jooheon retorts. "changkyunnie, do you want to _see_ kihyun in a suit at your brother's wedding?" changkyun's eyes widen at this and the tips of his ears instantly goes red.

"i—erm—i mean..."

"you do, right?"

"stop teasing, my poor baby," kihyun huffs, hugging the flustered boy's head to his chest.

"oh shush kihyun, we want to hear changkyun's answer," hyungwon interjects. "so changkyunnie, do you?"

"i mean—i guess it would be nice to see hyung in—in a suit?" the boy answers unsurely then looks up at kihyun who groans from the younger's answer.

"ah-hah!"

"you see, even changkyunnie wants you to wear a suit," wonho says, much calmer than the other two. kihyun just rolls his eyes at his friends.

changkyun who has been nervously looking at kihyun the whole time tugs at the older's shirt bringing his gaze down to him. "s—sorry hy—hyung," the boy stutters, and kihyun immediately shakes his head. he leans his head down to peck the boy's lips and offers him a reassuring smile.

"i'm not mad, baby," kihyun tells him. "it's just those idiots are a fucking pain in the ass," the older grumbles, and changkyun can't help but giggle at the older's complain about his friends. it may sound harsh but changkyun knows that kihyun loves his friends dearly.

"it's just—i wondered how you'd look in a suit," the boy timidly admits and kihyun grins to that.

"well, i can assure you that you'll look so much better than me."

"you don't know that."

"if my imagination is correct then i say you'll so fucking hot in a suit. god, do you think i can control myself that day, baby, when i see you upfront?"

"i—hy—hyung—don't say things like that out loud!" the boy shrieks in embarrassment. he hears their friends laughing in sheer amusement right behind them and changkyun whines, hiding his face once again in kihyun's chest until the tint in his cheeks subside.

"changkyunnie, how are you so adorable?" hyungwon squeals.

the said boy just shakes his head, refusing to look at anyone, not until he is sure that he won't glow a bright red when he sees their grinning faces.

"as much as i would like to keep this going, kihyun we have to go," wonho announces. kihyun checks the watch on his wrist and nods, seeing that they would have sufficient time if they leave now.

he looks down to the boy in his lap who still has his head buried in his chest and his heart feels heavy to leave him _again_. he knows it's worth in the end—he hopes at least— and that's all he can do to appease his heart now.

"baby," kihyun calls softly, gently caressing the boy's hair.

"hyung, no, i'm still too red," the boy mumbles. the older male chuckles with full endearment and it's almost hard to want to leave him now. he wants nothing more than to just hold the younger boy the whole day until it is so late at night.

"baby, look at me for a while. _please_." changkyun doesn't want to, but he gives in when he hears the older male plead. he notices how kihyun's smile is saddened now and he frowns, wondering why the atmosphere between them is suddenly so thick.

"hyung?"

"baby, you trust hyungwon and jooheon, right?" changkyun looks at both the mentioned male who are busy talking to wonho (who's standing with the car keys in his hand). changkyun nods moments later looking at kihyun confusedly.

"i have to leave with wonho now," kihyun tells him. changkyun tilts his head, not quite comprehending what he's trying to say. "can i get a kiss before i go?" and changkyun recognizes this exact line and his frown deepens, clearly worried.

"hey, remember when i said it isn't anything bad?" changkyun nods. "it's the same now and you know what? the kiss you gave me last time really helped. so, can i have one?"

the boy smiles shyly before he leans up to the older male and presses his lips softly against kihyun's. he cups the younger's cheeks in his palms and pulls him closer to deepen the kiss. it isn't rough or hungry, it's slow and sweet, comforting enough for the both of them. when they pull apart kihyun can't help but gives several butterfly kisses from the younger's forehead all the way to the bridge of his sharp nose.

"i'm so lucky," kihyun whispers only for changkyun to hear. and he can't say these words enough because he truly feels so lucky every single time he gets to hold the younger boy in his arms. "thank you, baby." changkyun gives him one last peck on kihyun's lips before getting off his lap and walks over to sit on kihyun's bed with a heavy heart. but he trusts kihyun, he trusts that it isn't anything bad and that with time kihyun would tell him.

"ready?" wonho asks.

"yea." he nods. wonho gives hyungwon a brief kiss before walking over to where kihyun waits by the door.

"no shit-talking to him, got it?" kihyun warns with a pointed finger, hooded eyes focusing on both his friends who are next to changkyun on the bed now.

"whatever do you mean?" jooheon asks dramatically. kihyun narrows his eyes knowing he can't really trust hyungwon and jooheon not to rat him out—especially not when both hyungwon and jooheon are together in one room cause god knows what godforsaken shit they will tell changkyun about kihyun.

"shit-talking as in not telling changkyun how hard you gushed over him after your first date?" hyungwon innocently asks. changkyun's eyes immediately widen as he looks at the older male in utter surprise.

"fuck. you," kihyun mutters to the both of them which only made hyungwon and jooheon laugh even more. they both had reassured that they wouldn't do any shit-talking about kihyun while they are gone but of course, kihyun has his skepticism when he leaves.

and not even a minute after both males leave the room hyungwon asks, "changkyun you turned eighteen, right?" the said boy nods his head. "great! kihyun's turning twenty-one soon. you're both legal to get married!"

changkyun didn't think his cheeks would get so red so fast. the boy stares speechless with his mouth gaping at the taller male. "wh—huh?"

"chae fucking hyungwon!" kihyun shouts from the hallway. 


	71. b̶o̶n̶u̶s̶ ̶#̶1̶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I couldn't help but to post this chapter >_<

** Hyung1🐸 **

**Hyung1🐸:**

we brought him out  
he is in good hands👌

 **Kihyun:**  
why does my baby look sad :(

 **Hyung1🐸** :  
he misses you, idiot

 **Kihyun:**  
tell him i miss him too

 **Hyung1🐸:**  
tell him yourself ;p

* * *

** Changkyun❤ **

**Kihyun:**  
hi baby

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hiii  
something wrong hyung? 

**Kihyun:**  
i guess you can say that

 **Changkyun❤:**  
what is it :(

**Kihyun:  
** **  
**

i miss you baby  
 _Read✔_ _✔_

_._

_._   
_._

changkyunnie?  
 _Delivered✔_ _✔_

* * *

** Hyung1🐸 **

**Hyung1🐸:**  
congratulations  
changkyun's a blushing mess now :)

 **Kihyun:**  
oh no :(

 **Hyung1🐸:**  
and he keeps complaining about your selfie  
how ugly must you be for your boyfriend to complain about it😛

* * *

  
** Changkyun❤ **

**Kihyun:**  
baby  
what's wrong with my selfie :(

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hyung???  
what no  
nothing's wrogn!  
did hyungwon hyung say someting??

 **Kihyun:**  
then why are you complaining to him about my selfie 💔

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hyung noo   
it's not like that  
i swear

 **Kihyun:**  
💔💔💔

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hyung😢  
it's just  
it was so sudden??

 **Kihyun:**  
but baby you know i always miss you when you're not around

 **Changkyun❤:**  
i know  
it's just  
the selfie

 **Kihyun:**  
what's wrong with the selfie💔

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hyung nothing's wrong with it  
it's just  
it was so sudden  
and i just  
you're so handsome  
and so when you suddenly send me that   
i didn't exactly have the time to process it properly you know

 **Kihyun:**  
oh

 **Changkyun❤:**  
hyung :(

**Kihyun:  
  
  
  
**

**❤❤❤**  
 _**Read✔** _ _**✔** _

* * *

** Hyung1🐸 **

**Hyung1🐸:**  
i think changkyun might be getting a fever

 **Kihyun:**  
why would you think that

 **Hyung1🐸:**  
because he's so fucking red and his cheeks are so fucking hot  
kihyun wtf did you send him  
that poor boy keeps patting his cheeks to calm his blush down

 **Kihyun:**  
my poor baby :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it💙


	72. Chapter 72

"i think i remember seeing those pretty bow ties at _smartmaster_ before," hyungwon says while he taps his finger against his chin, looking at the shops around him. "and i think... _smartmaster_ is on the 3rd floor." he looks around once again with a slight frown embedded on his forehead as he tries to properly recall where the store he once visited to buy his prom suit a few years.

"necktie," kihyun corrects him pointedly for the nth time. "i told you i'm not wearing a bow tie."

"changkyun~" hyungwon whines, looking at the younger boy who was already lost in his own world from the moment they all had gotten into wonho's car. he didn't have a specific thought in mind but his thoughts are nonetheless jumbled, mixed with both the good and the bad. changkyun had been staring into nothing as he drowned out the voices around him. he only snaps out of his daze when he feels the light shake of his shoulder. the boy jumps a little before his gaze focuses on the taller male in front of him.

"hy—hyung?" changkyun questions timorously.

"please tell your thick-headed boyfriend that he looks good in a bow tie," hyungwon tells him. the younger's cheeks tint pink at the mention of 'boyfriend' before his shy gaze looks down to kihyun who is already glaring daggers at hyungwon with his arms crossed tightly against his chest clearly annoyed with the situation he is in now.

"but—but i think hyung would look good in both..." the younger trails off softly, knowing his opinion doesn't really help the dilemma they are in.

"you know, the both of you should've resolved this stupid argument at home before actually coming to the mall," wonho asserts whilst shaking his head.

"we did!" hyungwon exclaims rather defensively.

"pfft! no, we did not," kihyun counters. "you naturally assumed that i agreed to wear a bow tie because i didn't give you an answer when you asked me."

"in my defense, silence in an answer."

"silence does not equivalent to agreeing, dumbass."

"why don't you just wear what you want, kihyun?" jooheon questions now, breaking both their bickering.

"since my mom now knows that i'll be wearing a suit she personally called hyungwon to make sure i buy at least a bow tie or necktie because she knows how serious that idiot is when it comes to formal events and oh is she making the whole family dress up for the wedding ceremony. plus, said idiot is set on me wearing a fucking bow tie."

"your mom just knows i'm _that_ amazing and reliable," hyungwon retorts with a proud smirk, nose high up in overflowing pride.

"i don't understand why she couldn't just let me get it by myself," the male grumbles. jooheon lets out a laugh as he pats kihyun on his back out of sympathy because he knows how serious hyungwon gets about fashion—especially when he's given the chance to take charge of it.

"your mom also knows that you're unreliable," jooheon simply states.

"excuse me? offensive much."

"it's the plain truth, buddy."

"since both of you can't compromise on one thing," wonho starts, eyeing both kihyun and hyungwon. "why don't you buy both; a bow tie and necktie? i'm sure you have extra cash to spare?"

"a normal person would buy just one," kihyun mutters.

"the thing is both of you are stubborn, thick-headed idiots—," wonho quickly turns to hyungwon who already has an eyebrow raised at the said statement. "—no offense baby—" he adds before continuing, "—so you know, you could wear one for the wedding ceremony and the other for the wedding reception."

kihyun can't help the obvious eye roll he gives to his friends at what big of a deal they're making his entire outfit for the wedding to be. if he had known that they would be this invested (with the added bonus of being a pain in his ass) he might as well told them the night before that he'd be attending changkyun's brother's wedding. also, he knows that they're fussing _this_ much because it has been a while since kihyun actually wants to attend a formal function.

"it almost sounds like i'm attending my own wedding...."

"then you better hope changkyun's the groom," jooheon inputs, nudging the said boy that's beside him by his elbow. changkyun, who had been listening to their banters back and forth, widen his eyes accompanied with tomato cheeks.

"wh—what?" the younger boy squeaks. they all turn to see a red-faced changkyun and chuckle at his cute response—everyone but kihyun who is still glaring, annoyed.

"okay, okay," hyungwon brings everyone's attention back. "that's not a bad idea, sweets," hyungwon compliments, lightly patting wonho's cheek before pecking it proudly for the suggestion. "what do you think, kihyun? a bow tie and a necktie for two separate parts of the wedding?"

the wheelchaired male lets out a heavy sigh, knowing there's no definite way he would win this argument unless the _bow tie_ makes it one way or another into the wedding.

"fine," kihyun grumbles out. he complies but makes a mental note not to let hyungwon anywhere near his wedding planning businesses in the future because he knows he might just lose his mind by the time the actual wedding day comes—and he means this in the most loveliest way possible.

hyungwon claps his hands, satisfied with his friend's decision. "okay, so this is how we'll do it. since joohoney has his basketball game in an hour, we'll split up—i assume kihyun, you want to be alone with changkyun?" kihyun immediately holds onto the younger's hand, pulling him close.

"the answers pretty obvious."

hyungwon rolls his eyes.

"okay, then both of you can go look for your necktie and the three of us will look for your bow tie. also keep in mind that the wedding is in three days so don't be so fussy."

"i think that last statement is meant for you, but okay," kihyun responds.

"why you—"

"come on, changkyunnie," kihyun cuts in, turning the both of them around and moving away from his group of friends. kihyun finally takes in a relief breather and looks around the many shops around the mall figuring which is best to find a decent looking necktie.

"changkyun, do you know which shops have the best options for neckties?" kihyun asks.

when he doesn't get an answer, he turns his head to the side to see the younger boy spaced out—once again. he squeezes the younger's hand that he is holding and this breaks changkyun out of his thoughts to look at the older male questioningly. kihyun gently brings changkyun to stand in front of him.

"changkyun~" he says, bringing the boy's attention to him and solely him.

he had noticed how quiet the younger was the whole ride to the mall and of course, he noticed whenever changkyun wasn't mentally present with them in any of their conversations. but what worries him the most is that changkyun has been doing it for the past few days now. he had pushed it aside all these while thinking that changkyun just needed his time with his thoughts but he can't stay quiet anymore knowing that changkyun is in so deep of his thoughts that he barely registers the reality before him.

"hyung?"

"you've been spacing out a lot these past few days. are you okay?" the boy stares at kihyun for a moment who looks really concerned. changkyun ignores the lump in his chest as he forces a small smile to grace upon his lips.

"i—ye—yea. i'm okay, hyung," the boy answers but it lacks the certainty which doesn't bring reassurance to the older. kihyun goes closer to the boy and takes both his hands in his.

"if there's something bothering you, please tell me," kihyun tells him almost pleading in a sense because besides the cloud of worry shrouding over him, kihyun can't shake the fear that's accompanied by this feeling of concern and he hates that he fears for something that might not be as serious as it turns out to be, that he might just be overthinking a little too much. he wants the reassurance to calm the raged waves crashing within him. he needs to know that changkyun is okay and if he isn't kihyun wants to be let in the younger's thoughts to help him.

changkyun on the other hand dances with the temptation on the palm of his hands. changkyun wished he is stronger mentally than he is emotionally because maybe then he would let himself fall into safe arms where someone could help him get out of the dark web he had put himself in.

but he isn't.

the demons live in his head and changkyun hides away in his heart where most of the damage resides. some parts of his heart had bandages, others had scars of the damage done years ago and there are still some parts where changkyun can still see blood seeping through gashes that are just too deep to mend. hiding his emotions within himself was easy the very first time but as the days go by he finds it harder and harder to do so with the temptation to just surrender in someone's arms getting stronger and stronger. but he didn't want to let himself do that. he _couldn't_ let himself do that and drag people along with him.

its so tempting—the need to fall into safe arms, the want to bask in warmth but what makes it harder is that his mind is set, it's been set for a long time now. the thing is there is nothing that changkyun can do on his own when his heart is too weak to fight the loud pounding of his head. and so changkyun succumbs to the demons and goes against everything his heart craves for.

besides, he didn't want to be a burden _again_.

"it's just—i can't wait for minhyuk hyung and shownu hyung to get married!" the boy exclaims but kihyun didn't buy it, not when he saw the hesitation momentarily pooling in the younger's dark orbs.

"changkyun, please don't lie to me. i want to help you..."

the younger boy bends slightly and cups one of the older's cheeks, showing him his smile that's widened a little more.

"i'm okay, hyung. see? i really am so happy for minhyuk hyung and shownu hyung; they deserve to be happy," the younger tells him sincerely. "now, we have to find a pretty tie for you, right? i know a shop! minhyuk hyung brought me here the other day."

changkyun starts tugging on the older's hand to follow him, not allowing room for kihyun to say anything more and he succeeds because kihyun couldn't say anything after that but to wheel himself wherever the younger is dragging him.

the younger finally stops in front of a small suit shop before he turns around to face the older. "minhyuk hyung brought me here first but there weren't many options for suits with someone my size but i did saw many pretty ties in here," the younger informs. "do you wanna check it out, hyung?"

"sure," the older answers with a small nod.

they enter into the shop and quickly make their way to the sections of where the array of ties are. changkyun still holds onto kihyun's hand as they both look through the ties showcased in a glass casing. kihyun was busy looking at the many assortments of neckties displayed before him when he suddenly feels a tender kiss being placed on top of his hand. kihyun looks at changkyun a little stunned, wondering why the sudden affection. it's not that changkyun hadn't been affectionate towards him before but it's the fact that it is _rare_ especially when they are outside; it would usually be kihyun initiating something and then changkyun would follow moments later when he comes out of his shy cocoon.

"hyung, you know i'm so thankful for you, right?" changkyun professes out of nowhere then goes back to scanning the many neckties. kihyun stares dumbfoundedly at the boy who's acting so... normal.

"what's this about?" he asks.

"i just wanted you to know that," the boy answers, not for a second did his gaze lift up to meet kihyun's. "i'm so thankful for you, hyung."

"changkyun..." kihyun calls again, worry evidently laced in his voice, but the younger doesn't heed to the concern. "changkyun, baby," kihyun persists this time, making sure the younger does look up at him. changkyun finally does, but he wears a smile and for the first time kihyun isn't reassured by this smile.

"changkyun, what's with all this?" he wanted to sound irritated, annoyed at the fact that changkyun was suddenly so affectionate and vocal about his appreciations out of nowhere however, the older couldn't bring himself to do so. the fear that's poking him at the back of his head quickly entangles with his voice, making him sound scared almost. it should make him happy that changkyun is finally openly affectionate—that it seems like he's trying to be so—but he isn't because the change is _too_ drastic; this isn't the changkyun he knew.

"there's nothing wrong with a small reminder, right hyung?" changkyun rhetorically asks.

"you c—that's not what i mean," kihyun says as he's tripping over his tongue trying to find the right words.

changkyun seems to dismiss the older's words so quickly because the next thing changkyun asks had kihyun gripping the edge of his wheelchair; "hyung, can you do me a favor?" the older can only wonder with anxiety pumping through his veins.

"wait—i guess it would be better if i said, _'can i do you a favor?',_ " the younger rephrases, giggling slightly. kihyun nods. "can i pick out your necktie for you? please hyung, it would really mean a lot to me."

how can kihyun say no to him? not when changkyun is smiling so brightly at him. not when changkyun's eyes are gleaming for a positive answer. not when changkyun seems so excited about doing something for the first time in a really long time. 


	73. Chapter 73

kihyun holds up the packet of sugar in front of the younger boy just as he opens the door. changkyun's eyes light up seeing the item he had texted kihyun to bring along with him when coming over to changkyun's house. the younger takes the packet of sugar then leans down to place a kiss on kihyun's lips before stepping to the side to allow kihyun to enter.

"thank you, hyung!"

"should i be asking why you do not have sugar around your house?" kihyun questions as he wheels himself in.

"we ran out of sugar last week and minhyuk hyung has been busy these past few days with the wedding preparation so he didn't get the time to buy some. i hope you don't mind, hyung." the younger places the packet on the kitchen island along with the other ingredients he had prepared beforehand hours ago.

"of course not, baby. i was just wondering," kihyun reassures. the older male looks around the kitchen island to see all the displayed ingredients. "you're planning to bake, baby?"

"yes!" the younger exclaims with a bright smile on.

"what's the special occasion?" kihyun queries curiously.

"oh, i just felt like it," the younger simply replies. "since tomorrow's the _wedding rehearsal_ i thought why not bake something to go along with the small catering shownu hyung ordered for everyone tomorrow."

"that's really sweet of you," kihyun compliments. changkyun beams at him cutely. "so, you called me over here to help, is it?"

"yes! since you're good at cooking, hyung, i figured you would be good at baking too."

"baby, you do know baking and cooking are two different things, right?" changkyun pouts.

"yea but—i mean, they're almost the same..." he trails off. "don't fight me on this, hyung," the younger huffs when he can't get out a clear argument. kihyun chuckles in sheer amusement. "i mean, baking can't be that hard, right?" the younger questions, sounding almost rhetorical when really he's trying to convince himself that. he had heard from some people that baking is easy as long as you follow the instructions and he had also heard another percentage of people saying that baking is simply a nightmare and that buying a cake is way better (and simpler) than going through the whole process.

"well, baking does require more precision than cooking so—" the kihyun stops midway when he sees the younger glaring at him. changkyun had expected some kind of reassurance from the older, not a whole ass lecture on comparing and contrasting between baking and cooking.

"i'm sure baking is doable," kihyun rephrases.

"baking is doable, hyung. the problem is whether it is _edible_ in the end."

changkyun opens the recipe book he found on minhyuk's shelf (which he isn't sure why it was there in the first place considering his older brother does not do any baking whatsoever) and flips to the page that reads _**funfetti layer cake**_. changkyun schemes through the first page of ingredients before his lips graces a satisfied smile.

"this doesn't look that hard, hyung," the younger says with much optimism now lacing in his words. kihyun moves next to the younger boy and reads through the same page only to realize that changkyun had only read the first part of the baking—which is essentially what ingredients they need to prepare before they could start the actual baking. kihyun takes the page between his fingers and flips over to reveal another page long of just _instructions_.

"i think you missed a page," the older states. changkyun oogle the long worded page, his eyes quickly scanning through what he needs to do on a surface level with barely much of the instruction embedded into his head after that quick scan.

"my brain hurts," changkyun complains, massaging his temple.

"and yet we barely even started..."

"hyung, the least you can do is give me some sort of morale, you know?" the younger retorts.

"i didn't think morale was needed when baking."

"well, when i'm baking—or at least attempt to—i'm going to need all the morale i can get especially if i'm going to bake an _edible_ cake."

"hm~ what works best: words or kisses as a means of morale?" the older suggests teasingly.

hearing this, changkyun immediately turns his head away, keeping his eyes trained on the book in front of him. kihyun can see the obvious blush slowly creeping up the younger's cheeks. kihyun moves behind changkyun and wraps his arms around the younger's waist, nuzzling his nose against the small of the younger's back. changkyun gasps softly from the sudden action before a shiver runs down his spine feeling the older place a discrete kiss on the small of his back.

"you need to give me an answer, baby," kihyun says, words muffled from the fabric of the younger's clothe.

"shh hyung~ i'm reading the instructions," the younger mumbles but it is pretty obvious that he is just simply avoiding kihyun. kihyun shifts his hands onto the younger's waist to turn him around to face him with a smirk.

"i think i may have an answer actually as i recall correctly, someone had kissed me a little eagerly yesterday," kihyun prompts, reminding the younger of yesterday's event.

of course changkyun remembers. he had (suddenly) straddled the older male and gave him a long, deep kiss which led onto a few more kisses some on the lips and others all over the skin each of them could see. it's safe to safe that they had left marks on each other on places where can be easily hidden by their clothes.

it's not to say that kihyun isn't suspicious anymore of the younger's sudden found confidence in openly showing affection but it's that he wants to see the positive side of it. he knows that changkyun isn't okay, at least not fully—but he doesn't know to what extent, and he didn't feel like he had the right to know the entirety of how the younger feels, not after how he had approached the younger before about his problems. he knows that he had fucked up one too many times and being in a relationship doesn't suddenly make it all better. he knows to be careful now and to not be harsh or careless with his words.

the best he can do is to be there for changkyun and make him as happy as he can.

but kihyun will cross the line only and if only he finds it necessary. other than that he will accept changkyun's changes with open arms, embracing how the boy is willing to change with him and for him.

"need i remind you of the marks i—" changkyun instantly covers the older's mouth with both his hands. changkyun's cheeks are as bright as ever and it's really an adorable sight to see the younger boy so flustered over something they had done so many times.

"can we—do we have to talk about that _now_?" the younger whines meekly.

"i can't think of anything better to talk about that really interests me," the older chaffs, thinking he has the upper hand in this situation... that is until changkyun cups both of the older's cheeks and fits his lips right onto kihyun's, kissing him with the same confidence surging through his body as yesterday. kihyun immediately concedes as he pushes himself closer to the younger, deepening the kiss with a content hum. what surprised kihyun even more is when changkyun ends the kiss by licking the older's bottom lip then peck it.

"i have a cake to bake, hyung," changkyun tells him, acting all innocent.

"you can't just do that!" changkyun looks over his shoulder with a sly smile.

"are you going to help me or not, hyung?" the younger asks instead. kihyun stares at him incredulously before rolling his eyes.

"can i get one more kiss before we start?"

"you can get as many kisses as you want when we finish," changkyun suggests instead. "hyung, grab a mixing bowl from the lower cabinet please." kihyun grunts, displeased but goes to take the bowl anyways with keeping in mind that if they finish this baking shit sooner he will get his kisses faster.

they get right into it.

changkyun and kihyun start off with the frosting since it needs to be cooled for long hours before it can be piped onto the cake. throughout the whole process, kihyun had offered to read out the instructions while changkyun willingly mix in the said ingredients.

kihyun would occasionally help the younger; like whisking together the wet ingredients by hand since minhyuk did not own a hand/electric mixer. when it came to the dry ingredients they had made a mess of themselves when changkyun had forgotten to turn off the ceiling fan causing the flour to fly everywhere almost immediately once the younger had poured it into a bowl.

yet nonetheless, they had managed to mix in both the dry and wet ingredients (and add sprinkles) without much hassle and pour the pale yellow batter peeking with colorful sprinkles into an 8-inch cake tray before sticking it into the oven.

changkyun heaves of a tired sigh as he sits on the kitchen counter. baking wasn't easy, not even the slightest, and he knows now why he had never attempted it in the first place. reading the instructions and understanding it was one thing, attempting to follow the instructions with the need for precision when it comes to measuring the ingredients is another and the outcome of whether the cake is even _edible_ is a whole other thing.

in conclusion: changkyun hates baking and he is glad he won't have to attempt it _again_.

kihyun finishes up washing the bowls and utensils they've used then wheels himself to where changkyun sits on the counter. he shakes his head, seeing how beat the younger looks from just baking itself. he sets himself close to changkyun's leg and he places one of his hands on the younger's thighs caressing the skin gently with his thumb. changkyun smiles tiredly from the subtle touch feeling the occasional tingles travel up his spine as he lazily swings his legs a little.

the younger then gets down from the counter and suddenly crawls onto the older's lap. kihyun doesn't question instead, his arms are always open for the boy. changkyun looks up to the older, eyes gleaming with need for affection.

"can you hold me?" changkyun whispers; it doesn't sound much, just a simple request but it holds immense desperation.

kihyun complies, enclosing his arms around the younger's smaller frame squeezing the boy tighter to his chest. changkyun sighs into the embrace, exhaling out all the fuzzy thoughts in his head as he tries to replace them with happy moments—moments where he wished he could stop time and live in bliss euphoria, moments where his heart beats rapidly against his chest with adrenaline reminding him why he didn't mind being alive. he wants to go back to those moments.

kihyun notices the younger's sudden quiet nature. he looks down to see changkyun taking in a few heavy breathers with his eyes closed. he didn't want to ask because he didn't want to push the younger and so instead he lays his own head on changkyun's, gently rubbing his chin against it.

"you must be tired, huh baby?" kihyun asks softly. changkyun doesn't answer rather he lets out another heavy exhale as he snuggles closer to kihyun. the older kisses the younger's temple.

"you know, i bet the cake will turn out delicious," kihyun says, trying to bring the younger out of his thoughts seeing as to how silent changkyun has been. changkyun lifts his gaze to look at kihyun dubiously. "what? don't give me that look!"

"you're just saying that," the younger mumbles as he closes his eyes once more.

"bold of you to assume that."

"if i baked an orange cake and gave it to you, you would eat it, hyung."

"changkyun, you know i hate orange cake," kihyun retorts with his nose scrunched in disgust almost like he can taste the vile flavor of orange on his tongue.

"i mean, let's assume i baked you an orange cake and gave it to you without knowing you hate orange cake, you would eat it despite hating it because you don't want to hurt my feelings. am i right, hyung?"

"i would eat it out of courtesy," kihyun defensively answers.

"and also because you like me _that_ much," changkyun adds.

kihyun rolls his eyes in defeat because yes, he would eat that horrid, godforsaken cake if changkyun had made him one because he is just _that_ whipped for the boy. if kihyun is willing to listen to ballad songs when he's with changkyun (considering kihyun isn't that much of a fan of sappy, sad songs) he sure wouldn't mind taking a bite or two of the orange cake.

"where do you see yourself in a year from now, hyung?" changkyun raises out of nowhere, bringing kihyun's attention back to the boy on his lap. he sees that changkyun's eyes are closed once again when he asks this.

"hm~" kihyun thinks for a moment. "i hope i'll still be by your side. i hope i'll still be able to hold you and kiss you like i'm doing now."

changkyun smiles a little but he doesn't feel the warmth in his chest like he usually does. the fact that changkyun is laying against the older's chest, the older isn't able to see that the smile changkyun holds is sewed with both elements of happiness and sadness but he doesn't know which dominates more.

"besides that hyung?" changkyun presses. kihyun leans back to look at the younger, not understanding his question fully. "you can't just hope about being with me for the next year, hyung. what more do you see of _yourself_ in one year?" the younger clarifies.

this causes kihyun to frown. he didn't like how changkyun had bluntly pushed aside the idea of a possible future with him when all kihyun wants to do is to spend every moment he can with changkyun. he does hope that in a year he and changkyun would still be together where he can always hug him, kiss him, talk to him and overall just be around him. he had also hoped that changkyun would feel the same but it seems like changkyun didn't think much about their future—or more so changkyun didn't think much of his own future at all.

"what's wrong with for hoping that?" kihyun counters tightly. "it's something i look forward to. don't you wonder how much we'll grow by then? because i do."

"i mean i guess?" this only deepens kihyun's frown. changkyun notices this and heavily sighs. "to be fair hyung, i didn't think i would ever get into a relationship. i always thought that it wasn't for me—or more like who would want _me_?"

kihyun's hold around the younger tightens hearing this.

"this is all still so new to me. there are times where i'm still afraid of doing something that might end our relationship and other times i wonder if i'm even doing enough for the both of us," changkyun admits. "so, i'm sorry if i make it sound like we had no hope for the future, it's just i'm uncertain about my own future. i can't picture a future for us if i can't picture a future myself to begin with."

that is the best changkyun can explain to kihyun.

"hey, it's not the end. it's not to late to think of a future for yourself," kihyun tells him, trying to keep an optimistic mind. but changkyun only response with a sad smile and kihyun hates how he is able to see the sadness in this action that is supposed to personify genuine happiness.

"i'm serious changkyun, it's not too late." changkyun wants to believe so but somehow he couldn't fully absorb these words. rather than answering, the younger leans up and claims the older's lips in his, kissing him slowly, gently, softly and ever so sweetly, savoring these few moments with the older preciously. he didn't say anything more because he doesn't know how else to tell kihyun that the fire of optimism within himself had diminished a long time ago.

he didn't know how to explain that the road he sees in front of his are foggy and when he runs in this foggy road he finds himself at a crossroad where the fog only thickens. and how was he supposed to explain to kihyun that every road he had taken so far has led to dead ends? 


	74. Chapter 74

changkyun keeps his timid eyes trained on minhyuk's back as he clams his sweaty hands together tightly, listening to whatever the wedding planner has to say about the rehearsal they had just done. he didn't dare look anywhere else past minhyuk's shoulder or at shownu (who's standing right in front of minhyuk) because just a few feet away sat both shownu's as well as minhyuk's and his parents and the last thing the boy needs is another panic attack from just a mere piercing glare of the two people who clearly do not like him.

"best men!" the wedding planner says. this brings changkyun's head up and off his own thoughts that he was slowly drowning in. it is so easy for the young boy to wander off in his own thoughts when he isn't given anything to occupy himself with and it's scary (sometimes) the places he would wander to.

"best men; changkyun and—," the wedding planner pauses as she refers to her clipboard. "—and jimin," she calls, looking up to the said boys.

minhyuk steps aside, and so does shownu from his side, to let both boys step forward towards the wedding planner. jimin instantly offers a friendly smile towards changkyun when he stands right in front of the boy. from what changkyun heard, jimin is shownu's nephew and apparently, he is a year older than changkyun. changkyun, seeing as this is such an unexpected reaction from someone he barely knows, responds with a small smile and a slight nod as he didn't want to seem rude.

"now remember, both of you will be holding onto their rings tomorrow up until the exchanging of the rings happens—changkyun will be carrying minhyuk's and jimin you'll carry shownu's. that's clear enough to understand, right?" both the boys nod their heads. "the ring bearers—little baby jungkook and his brother yoongi."

the wedding planner then turns to the two said boys in front of everyone where nine-year-old yoongi cradles little jungkook in his arms who's already fast asleep. "you boys will be following the flower girls just like we rehearsed, okay?"

"okay!" yoongi exclaims with an excited nod. the wedding planner focuses back on the two best men.

"so, minhyuk you will follow behind the flower girls and these two boys with mr im just like before only this time bare in mind to not trip, it's a little hard to see with the veil on." minhyuk snickers at this and mutters _'got it!'_.

"both of you—" she points to the two best men. "— will get the rings from these two boys. and once you have it make sure you _don't_ lose it." this causes everyone around the wedding planner to laugh at the last statement. "yes, yes, it may sound funny but it has happened before and frankly i'm not sure how." with stifled laughs, changkyun and jimin nod their heads.

"emcee—seokjin!" she calls to the male who's talking with the other groomsmen by the benches. the said male walks over to the wedding planner almost immediately whilst holding the itinerary for the wedding. "do you need another run-through for the reception tomorrow?" the wedding planner asks. seokjin—said emcee—schemes through the pages in his hands that are filled with important reminders, set time slots as well as speeches needed to be announced tomorrow.

"there is actually one more setlist that's needed to be confirmed for the _slow dancing segment_ tomorrow. other than that, there's nothing else on my part," seokjin confirms.

"i have the finished setlist for that segment with me. i left it in the car," shownu says.

"it would be great if you could get that setlist now, shownu-shi since we're already done with rehearsals. if you don't mind," the wedding planner tells him.

"of course. i'll be right back."

"i'll follow," seokjin offers and they both walk out without wasting any more time.

with that settled, the wedding planner looks through her clipboard and clicks the pen in her hand before checking off two things on the list. she then turns her attention back to the other groom-to-be.

"how about you minhyuk-shi? any concerns or last-minute touch-ups you want to add?" the wedding planner asks.

minhyuk hums, thinking thoughtfully as he scans around the wedding hall. as he pans around the hall the butterflies in the pit of his stomach are starting to flutter as he watches the benches all arranged, the alter all set up, and the staff finishing up the last touches in the wedding hall. it's all slowly becoming surreal, the day of his wedding—a day he had pictured for as long as he can remember, and now as the hours go by getting closer and closer to the second where he says _'i do'_ to the man he loves dearly, he can't help but feel nervous and giddy at the same time, but it's the good kind.

"i believe i've mentioned about the changes i've made on the seating arrangements for the reception tomorrow," minhyuk finally says. the wedding planner flips the through the papers to the page with the floorplan design for the reception hall and minhyuk leans in to have a closer look.

"do run me through which changes exactly you're talking about," the wedding planner tells him. "i would also need the final confirmation for the number of tables and pax per table so the staff can start setting up once we're done for tonight."

"like we've discussed; twelve tables, eight pax per table," minhyuk confirms. the wedding planner nods, taking note. "the changes would be that instead of having eight people at the _head table_ , i think it's best to just have seven seated there so changkyun will be sitting at..." minhyuk scans the clipboard where the table placements are shown with their respective numbers and place his finger on the table labeled **06**. "changkyun will be sitting here instead of with us."

the wedding planner looks closely at the guest list to see which guests have been placed to sit at table **06**.

"so changkyun will be seating with _the yoo family_ and _the kim couple_?" the wedding planner clarifies. minhyuk nods, affirming. "okay then." she scribbles a quick note on that.

"and for table **06** remember that the pax is six but only five chairs are needed," minhyuk reminds her.

"oh yes, i remember you mentioning that! and don't worry, a wheelchair ramp will be provided for easy access from the wedding hall to the reception hall."

minhyuk smiles at the wedding planner's efficiency about this matter despite only telling her once. "thank you," minhyuk says, truly grateful. changkyun, hearing this, smiles from his brother's consideration towards kihyun even when he knows that minhyuk (still) isn't too fond of him.

"anything else?"

changkyun then tugs lightly on minhyuk's sleeve from behind to get his attention. minhyuk looks over his shoulder and offers a small smile, beckoning for him to say what he needs to. changkyun tiptoes up to mihnyuk's ear. "no speech, please," the younger begs softly and minhyuk gets it.

"one more thing; changkyun's not giving a speech for the reception tomorrow," minhyuk adds.

"oh, really? i just thought it would be nice if each of the best men could give the speeches," the wedding planner states a little disappointed after hearing this as she looks at the younger boy. changkyun drops his gaze from the wedding planner out of shame and hides himself behind minhyuk once again.

"i don't mind giving the speech alone," jimin volunteers with a bright smile. "and i'm sure yoongi doesn't mind too! little jungkookie could say a few words or two!"

as much as minhyuk would really love his little brother to say at least a word or two on his special day but he understands that it is hard for changkyun especially in front of a crowd of people he barely knows. but the fact that the younger even agreed to be his best man despite his social anxiety is already a huge deal for minhyuk and he is so proud of changkyun for breaking out of his shell _this_ much for him.

"okay then. i'll have seokjin know about this when he returns."

changkyun lets out a shaky breath of both relief and guilt. he watches the other best man—jimin—silently from his side and to be frank he envies how the boy is so confident and _happy_. he wished he didn't have to let people down because of his social anxiety and he wished he could make minhyuk and shownu's day a little more meaningful with his own speech knowing he has so much to say and to be thankful for the both of them. he couldn't bring himself to do so because he knows himself well; he can say that he will give a speech—even if it is a simple one at that—but when the time comes changkyun knows he will be a shaking, stuttering mess and the last thing he wants is to embarrass minhyuk, shownu or even _his parents_. he knows he can't possibly embarrass himself anymore than he already has.

on the brighter side (ironically), it's not all that bad, changkyun thinks to himself. he already has a letter written for both shownu and minhyuk. that should make up for it. hopefully.

"that's all for tonight. you can all head back now. thank you for coming to the rehearsal and see you all tomorrow! have a restful night everybody," the wedding planner announces, grabbing the people's attention.

the bustling of the very few people in the wedding hall distracts changkyun for a moment as he quietly observes everyone. he sees that jimin had run off somewhere, probably to be with his other cousins, and the flower girls had already left with their parents. he notices the wedding planner indistinctively tells something to minhyuk before patting him on his back and walking off to talk to one of the staff members. he then sees shownu's parents leaving after talking to his own parents. this also means that he sees his parents now walking towards him—more specifically, walking towards minhyuk who happens to be standing right next to him.

instinctively, changkyun's hand snatches minhyuk's shirt, holding it tight in his grasp as he feels his heart beating painfully fast against his chest. he knows his parents can't do anything to him here especially not in a place where their precious son and son-in-law are bound to be married— and especially not in a place where they could potentially lose their pride for having treating their own son so horribly.

yet, changkyun is scared. all it takes is one look to know that they acknowledge his presence, this one look already sends a bone-chilling shiver down the younger's spine and his skin starts to prick uncomfortably. his breath gets shallow and his eyes are burning from the tears he's trying so hard to hold.

fortunately, minhyuk takes notice of this and quickly stands in front of the younger, blocking his view as much as he can of their approaching parents.

"changkyunnie," minhyuk calls, evident with worry. he gently cards his fingers through the younger's hair, trying to calm him down but he sees how changkyun's eyes are still on their parents.

"hey changkyunnie, don't look at them." minhyuk says gently as he lightly hooks his finger under the younger's chin. changkyun slowly trains his gaze back to his brother's reassuring gaze. and minhyuk gives him a small smile. "that's it. don't focus on them, okay? remember, they can't do anything to you. shownu and i are here for you, remember that."

"minhyuk-ah~" their mother calls and changkyun flinches visibly as he starts shaking the closer they get.

"changkyunnie, why don't you wait by the bench over there?" minhyuk points to the expanse of the wedding hall where the many benches have been arranged for the guests tomorrow. "i'll go see what mom and dad needs. it shouldn't take too long. i'll come get you when we're leaving, okay?"

changkyun looks at minhyuk with heavy reluctance.

changkyun wants to tell him that he hates that idea a whole lot, that he wants to be by minhyuk's side the entire time but he didn't want to be anymore of a burden than he already is. besides, he knows that nothing good will come out if he stays by minhyuk's side with his parents around and so he nods forcefully.

minhyuk gives him a chaste kiss on his forehead and then changkyun drags his feet that's weighed with reluctance over to the bench that is furthest away from everyone.

the younger boy's eyes quickly find where his parents and minhyuk are and he couldn't help the heavy sinking feeling in his chest. it's bad enough he feels like crying from the upcoming panic attack yet for some reason watching how minhyuk had managed to make their parents smile from ear-to-ear once again causes a pain stabbing jealousy in his heart.

changkyun hates himself for feeling this way. but he also wishes that it could be him over there right now talking to his parents normally, laughing with them, hugging them tightly with the breeze of content in his heart knowing that maybe for once he had made his parents smile.

the thing is changkyun has no memory of his parents smiling, not at him and never because of him.

he knows just the mere of changkyun's existence is enough to cause the deep frown of abhorrence visible on his parents' faces. it's bad enough that he exists, it's the worst knowing that he should've died but didn't.

reminiscing now, changkyun used to be known as a 'miracle baby' by his relatives and his grandparents used to call him that with such pride— _their_ miracle baby. oh, how he misses his sweet grandparents, the only other family member that actually loves changkyun. but changkyun never understood what was so special about being a 'miracle baby' because all he's known his whole life are encountering a series of misfortunes.

what good is he being a 'miracle baby' when all his own parents ever wished was/is for him to be dead?

changkyun never understood—just like so many other things in his life. most of all, he doesn't understand why he is still living even after eighteen of hell.

the younger boy's envious gaze swirled with sadness drops to his shoes when they start to cloud his visions. he couldn't bear the happy sight anymore. he wishes to be apart of that small happy circle yet he knows that as soon as he joins a dark tenebrous cloud would hover over them.

as changkyun tries to distract his mind off his parents, he notices a pair of shoes coming his way. the boy lifts his head to see shownu walking towards him.

"hey," shownu greets the younger boy and takes a seat next to him.

"hi hyung," the boy mumbles lowly. shownu notices the younger's sombre mood which isn't his first time and it does concern him like every other time. shownu isn't one to delve into a situation forthwith rather he would like to get comfortable with the situation at hand and if deemed appropriate he will slowly peel the layers off to assist.

"you know, i heard that you baked the funfetti cake for everyone today," shownu prompts, trying to get the conversation started. this pinches the younger's attention, bringing his gaze back up to shownu who smiles warmly at him. "everyone loved it."

"really?" the younger asks unsurely. shownu hums with a nod.

"if you don't believe me, you can ask minhyuk later. everyone finished the cake."

it was momentary and barely obvious but shownu notices the light tug on the younger's lips. this small simple thing actually made changkyun happy knowing that people enjoyed something _he_ did.

"i know it's probably a little too late to be asking you this now, but, what do you think of me joining the family?" shownu asks. changkyun frowns slightly at this question.

"why—why does it matter what i think, hyung?" changkyun states genuinely confused, not really getting why the older was asking him in the first place. "i mean, you've gotten my parents' blessing. isn't that good enough?"

"i'm going to be part of the family after tomorrow, aren't i?"

this should clear the younger's confusion but what breaks shownu's heart is when changkyun gives him an even more puzzled look as he tilts his head to the side. the boy really is as clueless as he can ever be and showu understands to a certain degree as to why. all these years it was only minhyuk (and shownu) who had made changkyun feel at home in that household with his parents. the young boy barely felt like he was part of the family even if he is their actual flesh and blood son. his parents refuse to call him their son unless they are forced to or they are talking to him with much detest.

"changkyun-ah," shownu calls affectionately, gently caressing the back of changkyun's hair. the male always had a soft spot for the younger boy, even more so after he found out about the ways his parents are treating him. "the family i was talking about was me, minhyuk and _you_ , changkyun-ah," shownu explains.

it really shouldn't surprise the younger boy but it's so heartbreaking to witness his sheer shocked expression like it wasn't an obvious statement to begin with.

changkyun is left speechless in all honesty.

"h—huh? but i—huh?" the boy stutters dumbfoundedly.

"i know it hasn't been easy for you. and i know it was hard for the both of you to get by especially after moving out but i promise i'll take good care of both of you," shownu promises sincerely. "it already feels like we're an actual family though, don't you think? but after the wedding tomorrow, we'll _officially_ be—hey, changkyun-ah~" shownu stops when the boy in front of him has tears running down his cheeks. shownu gently cups the younger's cheeks and wipe his tears away.

"what's wrong, changkyun-ah?" shownu asks so caringly that it tugs at the younger's heart. changkyun knows that minhyuk cares for him and he also has no doubt the shownu does too as much as minhyuk. changkyun knows that shownu will be apart of the family but the fact that the older had personally asked him, changkyun can't comprehend it especially not when he had never considered himself to be apart of the family.

changkyun had a family name with no actual family.

"minhyuk hyung is so lucky to have you," changkyun whimpers softly.

"hey now, you've got me too," shownu tells him. "now that we're going to be a family, we've got each other. i wouldn't have it any other way than to have you and minhyuk be apart of my family."

changkyun didn't know how to properly respond to that. he wants to tell shownu more but his brain is fogged up with a bunch of incoherent emotions that no one proper sentence could be uttered as of now. instead, the younger throws himself into shownu's arms where the older hugs him tight without hesitation. shownu sighs, holding the boy close to him and giving him the warm hug he knows changkyun likes.

"ouch!"

they both pull away to see minhyuk clenching his palm over his heart with a wide toothy smile and glossy eyes.

"i know this isn't the first time that you both have hugged but gosh why do i feel so emotional?" minhyuk says, joining next to shownu. shownu welcomes him by circling his arm around minhyuk's waist to pull him close to him. "is it because we're getting married tomorrow?"

"aren't i a lucky one to be married to you?" shownu claims.

"oh, are you now?" minhyuk teases. shownu grins then circles his other arm around changkyun's waist pulling him in together with them. shownu hugs them both.

"i mean, i get to call you both my family. any man would be lucky." changkyun's heart tugs another time hearing these genuine words spoken from the older male. he snuggles into shownu's arms, making most of this tight-knit hug overflowing with affection he's getting from both of them.

minhyuk rests his head against shownu's chest and sighs contently before looking up to where shownu is already gazing down on him, eyes swimming with so much love. minhyuk feels like he could just burst in that instant from how happy and lucky he feels to have an amazing man like shownu who accepts him for who he is and is able to love him unconditionally despite all his flaws.

"i love you," minhyuk professes softly.

this isn't the first time that changkyun's heard minhyuk say these words to shownu but for some reason it feels like it holds a whole other depth of meaning to these words now. it sounds almost precious, so delicate yet powerful that even a mere whisper is enough to convey all the emotions in these _simple_ three words.

"i love you too, baby," shownu professes back then leans forward to kiss.

changkyun doesn't know what love truly feels like but he's heard that it's a beautiful feeling. he's heard about the butterflies erupting in your stomach when you hear those three words and he's also heard how one could change just for love and because of love.

changkyun doesn't know what love actually feels like but the closest he'll ever get to understand it is by watching minhyuk and shownu who love each other so deeply. and as they get lost in each other's eyes with the twinkle of love pooling in their gazes, changkyun is able to see how love opens shownu up from his usual quiet self and how love calms minhyuk down from his usual sprightly nature. 

their love compliment each other beautifully—that's as much changkyun knows about love.


	75. ⚠

**Kihyunnie💕**

**Kihyunnie💕:**  
hi!

 **Changkyun:**  
hyung!!

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
haha hi baby  
i see you just got back  
are you going to sleep soon?

 **Changkyun:**  
not likely  
anything hyung?

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
nothing much  
just a little bumped i couldn't see you the whole day today

 **Changkyun:**  
you missed me hyung?😟

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
baby ofc i missed you  
you know i would do anything to spend time with you

 **Changkyun:**  
😢

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
come on baby  
you know this

 **Changkyun:**  
i know i know  
but it's just  
it's still a little new to me  
i mean  
not that you've never mentioned it before  
but like i don't think i've heard it before  
no wait ofc i've heard you say it before  
but like  
you know what

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
are you done baby?

 **Changkyun:**  
idk where i was going with that  
i lost my phrasing  
pls ignore me hyung  
imma go dig a hole and just stay there for a moment👋

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
changkyun

 **Changkyun:**  
my weak limbs are finding it hard to carry this shovel

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
baby oh gosh no don't😂  
it's fine really  
i get what you're trying to say

 **Changkyun:**  
i should probably find ice water instead

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
why do you need ice water now...

 **Changkyun:**  
so i can stick my face in it  
i've embarrassed myself enough hyung  
my cheeks can only take so much

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
my poor baby  
is the ice water cold enough for you?

 **Changkyun:**  
hyung😩  
you're such a meanie  
why do you like to tease a poor soul like me

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
oh baby i don't mean to

 **Changkyun:**  
liar  
you're a meanie

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
excuse me?

 **Changkyun:**  
meanie!  
i'm calling you a big phat meanie hyung

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
now there is no reason for you to be this aggressive, baby

 **Changkyun:**  
i'm just stating facts hyung :P  
you a big meanie  
love teasing me all the time  
i don't like that

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
even when we're kissing?  
😏

 **Changkyun:**  
brb  
gonna go stick my face into ice water again👋²

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
did you just square your _waving hand_ emoji?

 **Changkyun:**  
you won't let me live peacefully, will you hyung😕

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
i'm so sorry love  
i didn't mean to make it sound like that  
it's just whatever you do is adorable  
i can't help but point it out

 **Changkyun:**  
☹☹☹

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
honest😯✋

 **Changkyun:**  
also  
did you just call me "love"??

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
tbh there's a bunch to choose from:  
baby  
love  
sweets  
sweetheart  
baby boy

 **Changkyun:**  
BabY BOy😳

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you like that?

 **Changkyun:  
** hyung  
i—  
why are you doing this to me😩

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
baby boy are you okay?

 **Changkyun:**  
bye hyung

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
wait  
no baby come back  
i'm sorry did i scare you away :(

 **Changkyun:**  
😡

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
will this make you come back?

**Changkyun:**  
i—  
hyung  
you do know that i have only one good functioning heart right?

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
don't we all😊

 **Changkyun:**  
don't "😊" at me hyung  
you did that on purpose

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
i did it with good intentions i swear✋😯✋

 **Changkyun:**  
-_-

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
do i get one in return?

 **Changkyun:**  
?

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
a goodnight selca

 **Changkyun:**  
we aren't doing some sort of barter system hyung

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
i'd like to call it compromising, you know?

 **Changkyun:**  
compromising...

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
exactly :)  
so  
what do you say?  
a goodnight selfie for me baby boy?

 **Changkyun:**  
KIHYUN

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
oh😏

 **Changkyun:**  
HYUGN  
HYUNG***  
I SENT THST TOO EARLY

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
so you want to move to first-name basis baby😏

 **Changkyun:**  
...

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you know, i don't mind you calling me by my first name, baby boy

 **Changkyun:**  
...

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
too soon, baby boy?

 **Changkyun:**  
>:(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
it is the "baby boy"

 **Changkyun:**  
why are you asking me like you're so clueless >:(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
😇

 **Changkyun:**  
hyung you do not deserve to use that emoji😠

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
my baby's getting angry  
adorable

 **Changkyun:**  
😡

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
now now what did i say about unnecessary aggression?

 **Changkyun:**  
😪

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
back to the pressing matter at hand  
my goodnight selfie :)

 **Changkyun:**  
hyung no  
i look so ugly

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
who dares call my baby ugly😤  
i'll fucking murder them

 **Changkyun:**  
😢😢

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
changkyun you're not ugly  
not even the slightest  
fuck those people who told you that  
you're so beautiful

 **Changkyun:**  
☹☹☹

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you really are beautiful  
can my beautiful baby give me one goodnight selfie?

 **Changkyun:**  
you'll regret asking :(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
on the contrary, you might just bless my eyes tonight

**Changkyun:  
**

i'm really sorry if its ugly hyung

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you look so beautiful  
i wish i could go over and cuddle you right now

 **Changkyun:**  
i want that too :(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you need to wake up early, don't you baby?

 **Changkyun:**  
yea..  
shownu hyung will pick us up at about 6 am to bring us to the hotel to get ready there  
so we have to get things ready by then

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
you should sleep now then baby  
It's a big day tomorrow and it's already so late

 **Changkyun:**  
yea i probably should...  
goodnight hyung💙

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
goodnight baby

see you tomorrow❤

 **Changkyun:**  
😫😫😫

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

changkyun was tired, both physically and mentally. he feels so very tired and he isn't sure why. but the short conversation he had with kihyun really did lighten his mood, only at that moment, because now that they have stopped to go to bed, he feels oddly empty and drained once again—maybe even more than he previously was. he checked the time to see that it's past midnight. he knew he had to sleep sometime soon if he were to wake up in about five hours time and not feel sluggish while preparing for the wedding.

yet, he couldn't.

laying in his bed, he feels restless, tossing and turning a few times before he frustratingly sits up and stares blankly at particularly nothing in his dark room that's illuminated slightly by light from his window outside. his mind is still very much awake and his hands were itching. he bites his lips to control himself when the urge to get out of bed and to go to his cupboard to grab the one thing his mind is screaming at him to do. he couldn't—he could let the demons win but he wanted to wait for one more day. just one more and changkyun willfully surrender.

so changkyun ends up digging his nails into the skin in his arms. his gaze brings him to the side of his bed were the loose papers he was going through before laid messily on the table. he makes a mental note to keep the papers back into the drawer tomorrow morning before minhyuk could see them. he had reread the letters over and over wondering if he had worded everything he needed to properly. the letters described whatever he was feeling well, even if it was written months ago changkyun didn't feel the need to add anything or to update for the things that had happened up until now in his life after he had written these letters because his demons now are still the same as the demons then.

changkyun looks down to where he had managed to tear his skin enough to let trickles of blood seep from the wound he had created. he isn't satisfied but he had to live with it for now. the boy grabs the tissue from the side of his bed and hastily wipes the blood away, not having enough energy to physically get up and wash the blood away in the bathroom. he didn't mind that it'll end up leaving a scar especially when it'll be visible tomorrow because he'll be wearing a suit that covers it all well.

somehow he ends up finding himself holding his phone with kihyun's name displayed on it. he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep and he couldn't use the sleeping pills he had because minhyuk had hidden them from the boy and to ask one would only result in so many unwanted questions that changkyun just didn't have the energy to put up with. he had one other option and so he presses the call button, putting it on speaker. he laid his heavy head on the pillow, placing the phone beside his head as he pressed his _left_ ear onto the pillow and strain his right ear to hear the ringing, waiting for the owner on the other end to pick up.

it takes three rings before kihyun picks up. the first he hears is a yawn. "baby?" kihyun aks groggily. instantly changkyun regrets calling the older and waking him up from his slumber.

"hyung, i'm sorry! i'll go—"

"baby, hey, it's alright," kihyun reassures, sounding a little more awake now. "what's wrong?"

"can you—can you sing me a song, hyung?" changkyun breathes out softly, hesitantly.

"of course baby," kihyun instantly agrees because he understands. this isn't the first time that changkyun had called kihyun at night to sing him to sleep. although it wasn't often it does happen and every time it does kihyun had managed to sing the younger to sleep which always brings a smile to the older's face knowing changkyun found serenity in his voice.

"do you have any requests?"

"not really... anything you sing is beautiful, hyung." kihyun chuckles softly at that. "perhaps... perhaps a ballad, hyung?"

"that's sweet of you baby. let me think." kihyun hums, scrambling through his brain the many songs he knows to sing for the younger, making sure it is a song he hasn't sung for him before.

"hyung," changkyun calls after much hesitation while kihyun thinks of a song to sing to him.

"yes, baby?"

"tomorrow when we meet, can you—will you hug me, please?" he asks, voice slightly cracking but he holds in the oncoming sob in his throat. and changkyun is thankfully he isn't in front of the older right now because he knows that just the mere sight of the older and the way he worries for the boy is strong enough to have him fall on his knees and just cry his heart out because kihyun feels _that_ safe and warm. he finds it hard to hide that fact that he isn't okay most times in front of the older and all those times kihyun had coax him to reassurance, telling the boy it's okay to cry in his arms where kihyun had always kept him safe and warm, showering him with kisses and love.

"i'll give you all the hugs you want, baby," kihyun tells him. this causes a hot heavy tear to trail down changkyun's cheek hearing this because these are words he had never expected to hear from the person he had wanted to hear from the most months ago. 

"will you hug me tight, hy—hyung?"

"i will hug you tight and never let you go," kihyun promises. more tears trail down the younger's cheeks as he bites down on the bottom of his lips hard and his fists clench the sheets beneath him tight until his knuckles go white. he remembers how much his heart bled that night writing that one letter and how much his crying soul wished for nothing more than to get one _last_ hug from kihyun.

"i—i would like that, hyung," changkyun whispers, trying to keep his shaking voice at bay.

"i've got a song for you, baby. are you all snuggled up?" kihyun gently says over the line. changkyun sniffs quietly and mumbles a soft ' _yea'_. 

kihyun starts singing the song and it's a familiar, one kihyun hasn't sung before but one changkyun has heard of many times. the song is slow and the lyrics altogether sound so moving yet heartbreaking and he thinks the song cannot be any more perfect than it is for him at this moment. changkyun drowns out the demons in his head as he focuses on kihyun's soft voice, lulling him to sleep with silent tears staining his pillow. and as kihyun sings, begging to be hugged at least once more, changkyun prays that kihyun would hold him long enough until he feels the pain fade away long enough for changkyun to muster a smile to show kihyun that _it'll be okay_ even when he is gone. 

[Click Me!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aFqykEIINY)


	76. Chapter 76

changkyun had been calm—in the sense that his head isn't buzzing with unwanted thoughts and his heart isn't jumping out of his chest while he stands in front of the alter (with shownu, the marriage officiant) while they wait for minhyuk's arrival down the alter; it could probably be the fact that he took a _calmaid_ before the whole event, or it could be the fact that jimin who was facing in front of changkyun was beaming so brightly at changkyun as they await for minhyuk. or it could also be that changkyun keeps taking stolen glances towards the wedding guests and a particular male in a wheelchair whose gaze only ever stayed on a particular male who happens to be one of the best men of the wedding. whatever it is changkyun is calm and he is grateful he isn't a sweating-shaking mess in front of everyone.   
  
when the younger hears the wedding march starts playing he, too, couldn't help the bright smile forming on his face as he—and everyone else's head—turn to the back where now minhyuk stands beside their father who's never looked so proud (or even happy) in his life. and as they start walking, changkyun's yearnful gaze can't help but momentarily graze upon minhyuk's arm that's hooked around their father's arm; his smile doesn't falter but he did physically feel the ache in his heart knowing he will never be able to make his father, or even his mother for that matter, smile so brightly or to even have them look at the younger with such pride when they're giving their son's hand away in marriage.

when the ring-bearers reach the front of the aisles first, both jimin and changkyun take the rings offered to them and they simultaneously thanked the boys who then happily skips away with his baby brother jungkook in his arms to wait at the side. just then minhyuk had also reached the front where his father gives a longing kiss on minhyuk's forehead and left to take a seat next to his wife without giving a mere glance towards changkyun who had (foolishly) hoped that his father might look his way even for a short moment. changkyun however didn't get the time to dwell in this other heartache when minhyuk almost immediately steps in front of changkyun to greet him by kissing his cheek and flashing a bright smile that seeps his excitement. changkyun smiles back too mirroring the same wide smile the best he can.

shownu takes minhyuk's hands in his now facing each other their smiles only seem to impossible widen before they both turn their bodies slightly to face the wedding officiate.

the process of the wedding seems to fly by so seamlessly as the wedding officiate starts with the words of welcome, then the opening introductions, the reading, and then moves on to address the couple about the responsibilities of getting married the sanctity of the vows they're about to take. at the end of it, both shownu and minhyuk nod their heads fully understanding this huge step they are about to take into each other's lives.   
  
then comes the time of the exchanging of vows where the moment seems to slow down as everyone anticipates what each of them has to say.

"minhyuk, my love," shownu starts, his voice sounding shaky as he tries to hold in his own emotions. minhyuk's eyes only tear more hearing how vulnerable and raw his lover sounds in front of him and everyone else. shownu closes his eyes for a few seconds to recollect himself before he opens them letting out a heavy breath. minhyuk extends one of his hands and takes shownu's slightly shaking ones, squeezing it.

"my love, from the day that i had confessed to you that _i loved you_ i knew that i wanted to marry. nothing makes me happier now knowing that i get to spend my every moment with you. i promise you, lee minhyuk, that i will be your husband from this day forward, and that i will be faithful and honest in every way, to honor the faith and trust you place in me, to love and respect you in your successes and in your failures, to make you laugh and to be there when you cry, to care for you in sickness and in health, to softly kiss you when you are hurting, and to be your companion and your friend, on this journey that we make together.

"i love you," shownu finishes off with a few streaks of tears already down his cheeks. a few people in the crowd are already tearing up and it's also hard for changkyun to hold in his own tears after watching shownu recite such a beautiful and heartfelt vow, what more when the older male is crying, a sight changkyun had never seen before which makes it all the more harder not to let his silent tears fall.

minhyuk gently pads his thumb across both of shownu's cheeks to wipe his tears away before he composes himself to recite his own vow.

"shownu-ah, you have always been my rock, holding me high and keeping me from falling. you've seen all my flaws and despite all that you still love so unconditionally. every day i'm reminded of how lucky i am to be in love with you. so today i take you, son hyunwo, to be my husband, my partner in life, and my one true love. i will cherish our union and love you more each day than i did the day before. i will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. i give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

"i—" minhyuk chokes on his last words as the emotions get the best of him. shownu squeezes minhyuk's hand this time while he uses the other to wipe away the still falling tears. "i—i lo—love you, too."

the wedding officiates then beckons for both jimin and changkyun to steps forward and hand over the rings to the respective grooms. minhyuk turns around and shakily takes his ring from changkyun, not forgetting to thank his brother.

"hyunwo, repeat after me," the officiate tells the older. shownu gets ready with the ring in one hand and the other gently holds onto minhyuk's left hand. "i , _son hyunwo_ , give you, _lee minhyuk_ , this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you."

"i , _son hyunwo_ , give you, _lee minhyuk_ , this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you." shownu repeats word for word then slides the silver band onto minhyuk's fourth finger and brings the hand up to place a chaste kiss over the silver band. minhyuk lets out a teary chuckle at that while the guests all cooed.

the wedding officiate then faces minhyuk. "now, minhyuk, repeat after me: i , _lee minhyuk_ , give you, _son hyunwo_ , this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you."

"i , _lee minhyuk_ , give y—you, _son hyunwo_ , this ring as an eternal symbol of my love and commitment to you."

minhyuk, too, slides his silver band onto shownu's fourth finger with his finger's slightly trembling. as soon as the band is on shownu holds onto both of minhyuk's still trembling hands and plants another kiss on it.

"ladies and gentlemen, i present to you the newlyweds!" the wedding officiates announces gleefully. "you may now kiss."

shownu takes a few steps closer to minhyuk then slowly opens the veil covering his _now_ husband's beautiful face to see him smiling so brightly with his cheeks stained clear with tears. god, is shownu's heart beating out of his chest right now that the love of his life is finally, officially his husband.

and with that shownu and minhyuk share their first kiss as a married couple with the guests cheering out loud in the background. minhyuk lets out another teary chuckle as shownu gives him a tight hug still in disbelief that they are actually married.

amongst the crowd of guests who are cooing and some that are even crying from this happy occasion, the wheelchaired male smiles as well happy for both shownu and minhyuk that they get to take this huge step in their life together. his eyes then subconsciously pan over to his boyfriend that stands behind the newly married couple with a huge smile etched on his face and noticeable happy tears trailing down his cheeks.

for some odd reason, kihyun stomach flips and churns as he watches the younger up in front of the aisle. and how can kihyun ignore the fact that his chest felt so warm with the shivers pricking his skin when both shownu and minhyuk recited their vows and his gaze was solely on changkyun. kihyun didn't even think much about the fact that he had been eyeing changkyun throughout the whole exchange of vows, not until it had finished; it was only then he realized that just as much as shownu and minhyuk meant their vows for each other, kihyun had meant them too for _changkyun_.

he wants to spend eternal days with changkyun; he wants to make him laugh, to be there for him when he cries, to kiss all his pain and scars. he wants to be his companion and his friend, spend good and bad days with the younger and share special moments with him. he wants to make a journey together with changkyun despite how shaky and thorn-filled the path ahead of them seems.

kihyun knows that wanting these much from the younger is somewhat wishful thinking and he knows there will be moments where both he and changkyun will be pricked by these thorns along their way but he also knows that he wants to heal with changkyun—he wants nothing more than that.

the fact that kihyun has never been so sure in his life scares him because the emotions themselves are overwhelming, they are so loud that he just wants to scream them out if possible.

once the wedding ceremony is over the crowd starts moving to the reception hall. changkyun tells minhyuk and shownu to head along first saying that he'll follow kihyun and his family since he'll be sitting with them at the reception hall anyways. minhyuk gives changkyun a kiss on his cheek before he walks away hand-in-hand with his _now-husband_.

kihyun notices how the boy turns his back, facing the wedding backdrop as soon as minhyuk and shownu leaves the front of the aisle. the older male tells his parents that he will come to the reception with changkyun and that they can go on first. it didn't take much for them to be convinced since they followed along the little crowd that is left.

kihyun approaches the younger boy down the aisle, slipping his hand into the younger's intertwining their fingers together. changkyun jumps from the sudden contact, holding his other hand over his heart as he turns to look before he gives a full-blown smile upon seeing kihyun beside him.

kihyun swears his heart stuttered once again.

"hyung!" the younger boy exclaims happily.

"my pretty baby," is the first thing kihyun says, bringing the younger's palm over to his lips placing a delicate kiss there. "just as i've predicted, you look so fucking hot in a suit." changkyun's cheeks burn red as his gaze shy away to the floor.

"hyung~" the younger whines only for kihyun to chuckle from the light teasing—but it's not that he's lying. to say that his imagination was put to shame of how changkyun would look like in a suit in real life is an understatement because really kihyun couldn't help but gawk the first time he saw changkyun standing in front of the aisle with his suit and bowtie, looking both adorable and undeniably handsome at the same time. not to mention that the younger had done his hair as well, slicking it to the side with gel.

"baby, i'm just stating facts."

"i know~ but still hyung, how do you manage to embarrass me with a compliment!" changkyun grumbles with a pout as he pats both his warm cheeks to somewhat cool them down. kihyun cannot be any more fond of the boy than he already is now.

the older takes one of the boy's hands in his once again to get the younger to look up at him. "one more thing, baby. don't think i forgot." changkyun hums, slightly confused at what kihyun's implying.

kihyun pulls the younger boy down to his lap and instantly wraps his arms around the boy. changkyun didn't need a moment to process this because it almost felt instinctive to wrap his own arms too. his chest bubbles up warmly and his eyes burning slightly from kihyun remembering the one thing changkyun had asked him the night before. kihyun feels changkyun burying his face into the crook of his neck as his embrace becomes tighter. kihyun tightens his own grasp as well feeling the younger's need for much more warmth.

kihyun didn't feel the need to ask why the younger had requested this small thing from him or why it seems like this one small gesture means so much to him from the way he's hugging kihyun so tight because whatever it is he knows that changkyun needs the reassurance and security so kihyun will willingly give him that in a heartbeat.

the older starts to gently brush his hand lightly against the younger's back when he suddenly feels changkyun's raged hot breaths fanning against the nape of his skin. kihyun also places a lingering kiss right on the side of changkyun's neck.

"thank you," changkyun mumbles. "it—it really means so much," the younger stutters as he leans back to look at kihyun once more. kihyun instantly frowns when he sees how glossy the younger's eyes are from trying to hold in his tears.

"what happened?" kihyun asks dripping with concern seeing the younger like this. changkyun just shakes his head and forces a small smile which did little to ease kihyun's worry.

"just—thank you, hyung."

"baby, you don't have to thank me for a hug. i will give you that regardless. you don't ever have to ask or thank me for it. you can hug me anytime time you want however long you want to. my arms are always open for you," kihyun tells him sincerely as he grazes his finger lightly over changkyun's tear-stained cheek.

changkyun can't help the slight pang in his chest hearing this. his eyes gloss once more with unshed tears and they burn wanting to fall as they desperately cling to his lashline. this has kihyun worrying even more. he cups the younger's cheeks making sure his gaze doesn't falter anywhere else and just stays on him.

"is it something more than the hug?" kihyun asks softly.

it is. but changkyun couldn't tell him that. he couldn't explain why this one hug means so much to him and that even if he is happy that kihyun gave him what he had asked for, changkyun cannot simply disregard all those repressed emotions he had months ago. he couldn't tell him how he had spent nights pondering, wondering how he should approach kihyun when the male didn't even want to take one glance his way.

"i got a little taste of the sweetness life could give because of you, hyung," changkyun whispers so vulnerably to the older that the words sound almost heartbreaking for kihyun to hear. those words are meant to sound happy yet he couldn't understand why they sounded so sad instead.

being greedy once more for this little sweetness in his life, changkyun circles his arms around kihyun necks and kisses him softly as he tries to bask as much as he could in this euphoria that's clouding over him this very moment. 


	77. Chapter 77

"table 06," kihyun reads the board placed outside the reception hall. the older then turns his head to changkyun who's peering into the hall. "you're sitting with us, right baby?" changkyun hums. kihyun smiles at that and takes the younger's hand and pulls him in for them to enter.

they maneuver their way around the tables as they make their way to the front where their table are. changkyun follows meekly behind kihyun who still has a hold on changkyun's hand while the other helps wheel him. when mrs yoo spots the both of them she waves her hand, beckoning at them. kihyun sits in the space provided between the two chairs one being next to his father and the other is taken by changkyun who sits next to mrs yoo.

"are we late?" kihyun asks.

"nope," his mother replies. "the grooms are about to enter soon." kihyun nods before turning to his other side to talk to his father.

mrs yoo, whos's seated beside changkyun, smiles brightly at him which he then returns a shy smile. she couldn't help but cup one of the younger boy's cheek and kisses his temple. mrs yoo is one of the few touches he trusts, although the initial instinct is to always make a run for it when she gets closer it soon fades when he registers her sweet smile and kind eyes on him. he feels reassured and even cared for in her presence, something he isn't quite used to around much adults.

"you look handsome, sweetheart," she compliments him.

"thank—thank you," changkyun replies with a small smile.

"i'm going to go check if they have extra sachets of nuts at the back," mr yoo suddenly says, standing up from his seat. changkyun notices kihyun's facepalm and mrs yoo's eyes roll at her husband wondering if this is a normal antic of his.

"honey, please don't," mrs yoo tells him, hearing the mild embarrassment evident in her voice. but it almost like it goes deaf in her husband's ears who gets out of his seat and pushes the chair into the table.

"i'll be back real quick!" he says. " hey changkyun, do you want some nuts too?" mr yoo asks, making sure not to forget the boy.

this does take the younger by surprise. it's not that mr yoo hasn't been kind to him at all, if anything he is as kind and accepting as mrs yoo is towards him which really he still couldn't properly wrap his head around. he still questions how can people who aren't even his own parents treat him so much better than his own parents ever could.

changkyun is skeptical even when he wishes he could stop overthinking and just enjoy the fact that he perhaps has people who he could look up to as parents.

"i mean, if you're not allergic to nuts," mr yoo adds seeing that changkyun is hesitant. "or are you?"

"i—i'm not allergic to nuts," changkyun says softly which makes mr yoo smile.

"great! i'll bring you some as well." and with that, he walks away from their table and disappears to somewhere behind them.

a few moments later changkyun is helping to pass a very familiar necktie over to kihyun from his mother. changkyun sees how kihyun's eyes immediately shine with relief as he practically ripes off the bowtie around his neck like it was suffocating him and toss it onto the table in front of him. kihyun didn't miss the pointed look his mother gives him from the ill-treatment of such a pretty bowtie but kihyun gives little regard to it. he then ties the necktie that changkyun had specifically chosen for him and shows his boyfriend with a proud smile on.

"handsome!" changkyun exclaims, beaming at the older male.

"that's because my baby picked the necktie for me." changkyun hums and leans forward into kihyun, holding onto the handle of his wheelchair for balance as he gazes into the older's amused eyes.

"to be fair, hyung, you look handsome in both," changkyun tells him.

kihyun leans in closer to the younger, proximity between their lips getting shorter with their breaths fanning against each other's skin.

"you know _baby boy_ , if you're going to kiss me just do it, don't tease me like this by coming closer," kihyun teases, playing with the younger. changkyun gasps softly from the sudden mention of the nickname and kihyun is sure the younger is red now despite the low lighting in the hall.

"can—can you n—not~" changkyun whines softly, clearly shy now. he knows that no one else around the table has heard him because kihuyn had merely whispered the words only loud enough for both of them to hear but still it's so easy for the older male to catch changkyun off guard by pulling out stunts like this even when it isn't the older's first time.

"since you're not going to do anything, i will do the honors," kihyun says. and before changkyun can fully register what the older just told him he feels a soft pair of lips against his, slowly kissing him.

changkyun knows he's full-on red now considering they had just kissed in front of kihyun's mother who he isn't even sure is looking at them or not.

too deep in his own rambling thoughts, changkyun is only brought back to reality when he feels kihyun's lips on his again, this time it is a fast but rough kiss where the older is sure to take the younger's bottom lip between his teeth and graze it lightly before leaning back to flash a pleased grin.

"wh—what was the second kiss for?" changkyun grunts.

"oh, just wanted to thank my baby for picking out such a pretty necktie," kihyun simply says.

"but you've already done that?"

"not too sure if i recall that memory well," the older says playfully. changkyun lets out another soft grunt before he shifts back to his seat properly just as the emcee—seokjin—announces the arrival of the grooms.

while the newly married couple enjoys their moments upfront, changkyun watches the event unfold from his seat where he is well taken care of. he knew that being seated with the yoo family was a good arrangement considering the mess changkyun might become if he were to be seated at the same table as the grooms and their families—where he is sure to be silent and awkward with thick tension looming over them that table knowing his parents want nothing to do with him.

but what changkyun had not expected was how _right_ the choice actually was. changkyun knows that both mr and mrs yoo care for him and that they would help him in any way possible whenever he comes over to their house but he certainly had not expected _this_ loving-parenthood type of care that they are showing to him now like when there are performances happening at the center of the hall mrs yoo would make sure that changkyun has a good view to see and when the food arrived at their table both mr and mrs yoo would take turns filling the younger's plate with foods placed at the center of the table (which leaves kihyun little to no room at being at gentleman for his boyfriend even if he tried to be because his parents seem to always beat him to it when offering changkyun something; not that he minds, he's glad his parents are treating changkyun the way he's meant to be treated).

changkyun is overwhelmed, to say the least. he doesn't really know how to properly take in their kind acts towards him. The best he can do is to say _'thank you'_ and that too he feels isn't sufficient enough to properly show them his gratitude towards them.

the hall soon erupts with thundering claps just as shownu and minhyuk finish their dance number. the happy newlyweds give each other a brief kiss before they face their guests and bow respectfully.

"now, i would like to invite all the couples present this evening to the dance floor for a few numbers the grooms have put together for this special event," seokjin announces. this has some of the couples already up their feet and they make their way gleefully to the center of the dance floor. seconds later a ballad starts playing and the couples held each other respectively as they danced to the slow rhythm of the song.

kihyun turns to changkyun who has his feet lightly bouncing in his seat feeling a sense of happiness for his brother and (now) brother-in-law that he is barely paying attention to what the emcee had just announced.

the older extends his hand in front of the younger and changkyun's gaze lifts up from the hand in front of him to the older's grinning face and he tilts his head, waiting for the older's explanation.

"will you dance with me?" changkyun, clearly taken aback, had completely forgotten about this segment of the event. his widened eyes briefly scour over the dance floor where the couples are already paired and swaying before they return back to kihyun with slightly tinted cheeks.

"i can't dance, hyung" changkyun tells him meekly, more so he gives an excuse.

"i'm not a professional as well but i want to dance with you," kihyun says, trying to convince the younger boy who's hesitations are swimming clear in his eyes. "please," kihyun urges.

"i—" changkyun pauses, wrecking his brain for other excuses to come up with. just then the first song finishes and almost immediately the second starts. kihyun takes changkyun's hand that's on the table and plants a chaste kiss on his knuckles.

"please."

and changkyun can't say no even if he wants to, even when his insides are screaming at him that he'll only make a fool of himself and embarrass kihyun if they were to go. changkyun sees the twinkle of hope masking the glee behind kihyun's eyes and he thinks that if these few moments could make kihyun happy then he'll do it. just to see kihyun smile, he'll do anything.

"okay," changkyun agrees and kihyun almost immediately busts the biggest grin, pampering a few more kisses onto the younger's knuckles that changkyun shyly smiles from this gesture. it was worth agreeing just to see that crinkled smile changkyun loves so much. he remembers the earlier times when kihyun had barely even smiled at him, face all sour with a permanent frown etched on his forehead. but the first time he had made kihyun smile, changkyun could never forget that day and it almost seems addicting the triumphant warmth he felt from getting kihyun to smile; it almost like he had accomplished something, like he had finally done something right in his life.

and that was when he knew he wanted to make kihyun smile, however small, a smile is still a smile and kihyun's smile is worth everything to the younger.

kihyun moves away from the table and extends his hand once again for the younger to take with a slight bow, almost courteous in a sense.

"will you do me the honor of this dance?" kihyun dramatically recites and changkyun giggles from this, nodding as he takes the older's hand. but kihyun swats the younger's hand away before extending it once more. "no baby, recite the words back~"

changkyun rolls his eyes whilst shaking his head at this but the small smile curving up his lip is noticeable at kihyun's antics.

"the honor is mine," changkyun recites back with a slight curtsy.

kihyun pulls the younger close to him and guides him to the dance floor. changkyun looks around, slightly confused about how he would dance with kihyun; he did have a few options in mind but he didn't know which one kihyun would opt for. kihyun notices the younger's distress and so he pulls him down a little slightly, bending a little so they're looking right at each other.

"you can sit on me and i can move us to the music," kihyun suggests.

it isn't a wrong suggestion but kihyun is also aware that there are a few other ways that they could dance together but really kihyun just wants to hold changkyun close in these few songs that they have left.

changkyun didn't seem to mind anyway as he carefully sits like how he's used to on the older's lap and circles his arms loosely around the older's neck while kihyun places one of his arms around the younger's waist and the other is on his wheel. when he sees that the younger is comfortable kihyun starts to moves the wheel slowly trying to follow the melody of the ballad as best as he can with his eyes solely trained on changkyun who's smiling from this intimate moment.

when the next ballad starts to play kihyun's head perks up since he is familiar with this song and so he sings, not loud for everybody to hear but soft enough for only changkyun's ear. the younger, hearing kihyun's soft melodious voice he comes to love and always seems to find solace in, sighs in content as he drowns his lingering demons with kihyun's sweet voice. changkyun leans his forehead against kihyun's with a small smile gracing on his lips from how peaceful the moment feels now.

when the song ends kihyun leans down to give kihyun a brief kiss on his lips, the older couldn't help himself not after seeing how blissful the younger looked when he sang. changkyun kisses back with the same serenity clouding over him. this moment right here, despite all the other chaos in changkyun's life, feels so beautiful. kihyun's stops moving them as he gets lost into the kiss, gently cupping the younger's cheeks in his palms as he deepens the kiss but it is nowhere near aggressive or lustful; it's sweet and slow.

changkyun feels happy. it is moments like this where he thinks it isn't so bad to live, that life is probably worth living. but it is also moments like this that confuses him about the longevity of his happiness. changkyun never believed he was meant to be happy that's why whenever a speck of sweetness is sprinkled onto his life he savors them wholeheartedly. but sometimes he gets a little ahead of himself thinking these sprinkles would always pour down on him until he remembers, until the demons come out from their hiding and start whispering and it opens his eyes to what his life really looks like behind all those sugarcoating.

changkyun wants to be happy, but he isn't sure if he will get that in this lifetime.

"you sound so beautiful, hyung," changkyun compliments sincerely.

"thank you, baby." kihyun pecks the bridge of the younger's nose which makes changkyun giggle. "you know, you dont have to keep calling me, _hyung_." changkyun frowns slightly at this, wondering what the older' is implying. "i mean you've already called me _'kihyun'_ yesterday—"

"hyung, i told you i sent that too early! don't use my typos against me." the younger juts his bottom lip out in a cute pout.

"i mean i don't mind you calling me _'hyung'_ but since we're together, it'll be nice to hear you call my name instead. it makes us sound more casual, you know?"

"i—i guess..." the younger mumbles.

"why don't you try it," kihyun softly urges with a discrete grin.

"n—now?" changkyun queries meekly.

kihyun hums, anticipated eyes gazing into the younger's much shy ones. changkyun whines, putting his head against kihyun's chest. kihyun chuckles lowly into the younger's ear. changkyun feels the rupture of butterflies in his stomach from feeling kihyun's warm embrace as his laugh circles around him.

"go on. try," the older coaxes then places a kiss on his right ear. changkyun visibly shivers from the sensation.

"erm~ki—kihyun?" the younger tries, gaze peeking up slightly to his boyfriend.

"you sound so unsure of my own name," kihyun chaffs. changkyun leans back to hit kihyun's chest at the amusement he found in changkyun's overall shy nature.

"can you not, hyung?"

"uh-uh, _ki-hyun_ ," the older corrects him. "it's just two syllables."

"kihyun..." the younger mumbles so softly that kihyun has to strain his ears.

"i'm sorry baby, what was that?"

"kihyun," changkyun repeats a bit louder this time. "yoo kihyun, my boyfriend. happy now, _kihyun_?" the bright beam on the older's face is enough of an answer for the younger.

"i didn't think i could like my name anymore than i already did, especially now coming from you!" kihyun says, embracing the boy tight. changkyun rolls his eyes once more. "you're so cute, baby."

"you know what will be cute?" kihyun cock his eyebrows slightly, anticipating the younger's answer. "kihyunnie!" the younger exclaims, mentioning the nickname he had just thought of and this causes kihyun's smile to widen even more.

"so you want to call me, kihyunnie?" the older asks suggestively.

the younger hums, nodding his head. "it's cute, like really cute! don't you think so too, _kihyunnie_?" and who is kihyun to argue with a cutie like changkyun? of course if it were his friends who had suggested to call him that he would probably dropkick them but since it's changkyun, how can he refuse? funny enough he likes it even more that the younger had such an endearing nickname for him derived from his original name, a name only changkyun will call him by.

"sure baby, whatever makes you happy."

"kihyunnie makes me happy," changkyun says as he rests his forehead against kihyun's, rubbing his nose with the older's as he giggles. kihyun's heart did in fact stutter hearing that.

"you make me happy too, baby, so happy." 


	78. ⚠

changkyun shakily drops the cold metal blade onto the sink in front of him and stares in horror at the blood seeping through the few crimson lines running down his left arm. he hadn't thought of it the moment the cold blade met his pale skin, all that was running through his head was _'do it!'_. the demons made him believe that he would feel better after succumbing.

changkyun isn't sure about the _feeling better_ part, but it did shut up his demons for a while which faded away from the hypnosis haze from his eyes.

now he is left staring, his mind blaring with curses at himself for being so weak—especially being so weak at a place that isn't even his own. he knows that he'll get caught by kihyun's parents (or worst, kihyun himself) if he isn't fast enough to clean his mess.

changkyun starts to panic, thinking how at any moment a knock could potentially come on that door and he wouldn't have the time to clean anything and he knows he'll breakdown into a mess when they start questioning him and he isn't able to answer, worst if they see his blood everywhere.

he feels himself slowly start to convulse as his hands clutch tightly against the sink that is already stained with his blood, the tears silently falling down his cheeks and his breaths becoming raged.

"no. no. no. no. no," changkyun chants to himself, trying to convince himself to keep it together. he can't let himself break, not now, not after succumbing to the demons to appease the tsunami of a mess inside of him.

"it's—it's o—okay—" changkyun stutters, a shaky hand turns the tap of the sink on and he tries to calm himself by watching the flow of the water. he can't let himself sink into the whirlpool of panic.

"it—it's ok—okay—" he whimpers as he places his bloodied arm under the running water. he watches the transparent liquid comes into contact with the sinful red on his arms, dying the water pink as it drains down the sink. he doesn't feel the pain or the sting. he's too numb, too consumed in the fear to be thinking of any of that now.

"i'm going—i'm going to be o—" and changkyun chokes on this one sentence because he doesn't believe in those words; not anymore. it was out of impulse that he said it but his tongue cannot find the actual strength to utter these words out even if it were just a lie.

changkyun isn't okay. he isn't going to be okay. he wished he could convince himself with this one more lie but it seems like no more lies can convince him anymore.

once the blood on his arm is cleaned, the younger scrambles around for the first aid kit and thanks whoever is still listening to his pitiful cries that he found rolls of bandages in it. since changkyun is leaving for his house today, he just wraps the bandage hastily around his arm with the thought to (maybe) treat it when he goes home later. he hisses occasionally when the bandage presses a little too tightly on the open wound but he manages to wrap it after all.

changkyun then runs the water along the sink, wiping to get rid of the traces of his blood.

then he hears a knock.

changkyun yelps out loud, one hand clutching against his heart while the other still holds the blade that he was debating how to dispose of. changkyun waits, trembling eyes train at the door when another few more knocks come on.

"changkyun sweetheart?" mrs yoo calls from the other end. changkyun holds his breath for some reason. another knock comes. "sweety, are you okay in there?" she asks.

"y—yea," changkyun manages to say.

he quickly takes a long roll of toilet tissue and wrap it around the small blade before disposing it into the trash. he then checks himself the mirror and lets out a shaky sigh, thankful his eyes aren't as red as he thought that it would be making it painfully obvious that he had been crying. he pulls the sleeves down roughly to cover the bandage, hissing another time when he hits the wound a little too hard and exhales heavily as he approaches the door.

he finally opens the door to reveal mrs yoo worriedly looking at him. her gentle hand goes over his hair caressing it endearing, a soft smile on display replaces the worried facade that makes him feel oh-so guilty for what he had just done.

"good morning sweetheart," she greets him.

it's still so unusual to have a mother-figure treat him so well, to greet him so happily in the morning—or perhaps to have parent-figures who look so genuinely happy to see him overall. even when he has been staying over for the past three days,changkyun thought he would at least get somewhat used to it, but he doesn't know why he still catches himself so off guard when either mr or ms yoo greets him in the morning and ask how he is doing or feeling like they really truly do care.

"go—good morning..." the younger manages to say.

"i hope you slept well." changkyun dumbly nods, his gaze slowly wavering from those caring eyes as they falter to the ground. mrs yoo didn't want to push the boy, noticing his much meek nature and so she tries to be as gentle as she can with him. and it is also that she has grown fond of this gentle soul.

"i'm—i'm sorry i took so long," changkyun apologizes.

"aw sweetheart, that's nothing to be sorry about," she reassures, smile widening. changkyun can only nod with the bandaged arm suddenly itching against his skin.

"okay," he says softly.

mrs yoo gives him a fond smile and she couldn't help herself that she places a loving kiss on his forehead, like she would to kihyun. changkyun stiffens at this and for some odd reason, warmth spreads across his chest from this added affection. mrs yoo does notice the younger's widened eyes and much-shocked expression.

changkyun didn't mind it. but he does hate himself for liking such an affectionate kiss filled with a mother's love that he had never felt before.

mrs yoo notices how the younger's eyes start to gloss a little and her heart does break knowing changkyun had probably never had a mother-figure that treated him the way he should.

"why don't you go wake kihyun up? i'll let you boys know when breakfast is ready, okay?" she says instead, lightly patting his cheek. changkyun nods tersely and mumbles another small _'okay'_ before he walks away to kihyun's room.

changkyun didn't hesitate to open the door to the older's room as his mind was so occupied with both the guilt he feels and the warmth he felt. sometimes he wishes that all the small goods in his life are strong enough to overpower the bads that darken his soul, consuming every streak of light of hope so quickly.

when the younger opens the door he is instantly greeted by kihyun who is very much awake and is very much worried.

"baby..." kihyun breathes out with ease.

that's when he remembers leaving kihyun's embrace in his sleep about an hour ago when the thoughts in his head refused to let him have a peaceful sleep and they only seemed to get louder until changkyun decided to run out into the bathroom and scower every inch to find at least _one_ blade.

"where'd you go? you weren't here when i woke up," kihyun says, tone filled with sheer concern.

changkyun doesn't say anything, too afraid the guilt within him would take over and make him stumble over his words which will only make kihyun suspicious and that's the last thing he wants considering him disappearing in the morning is dubious enough.

instead, the younger closes the door behind him and climbs onto the bed, straddling kihyun's lap since the older is already leaning against the headboard. the older immediately puts both his arms on the small of the younger's back to hold him in place making sure he doesn't fall off.

changkyun stares deeply into the older's eyes and he feels weak, he wants more than anything to just surrender. he wants more than anything to cry and admit to the thing he had just done but he couldn't do that, he couldn't break kihyun like that with his downfall; changkyun just simply didn't have the heart to.

"everything okay, baby?" kihyun asks softly, a thumb caressing over his cheekbone as kind eyes stare back at him. changkyun doesn't answer but instead leans his head against kihyun's chest, circling his own arms around the older's waist to hold him close.

"hold me, kihyun," the younger whispers and it drips heavily with desperation that kihyun complies almost instantly. this is the most changkyun will allow himself to do, this is the most vulnerable he will be in front of the older.

kihyun circles his arms tighter and drops his head in the croak of the younger's neck, nuzzling his nose slightly before moving back to plant comforting kisses on the bare skin his lips meet. it's not to say that changkyun relaxes after this but it does take his mind off the buzz in his head. but the lump of guilt in his throat doesn't subside just like the itch in his arms to just rip off the bandage, but the kisses are good enough distractions for now.

it doesn't take the both of them to get lost in each other's touch, basking in the warmth and exchanging sweet innocent kisses whether be on their skins or on their lips.

soon the thick atmosphere seems to evaporate and neither of them wants to bring it up; not kihyun with his booming curiosity and not changkyun with his burning fear.

soft giggles elicit from the younger's lips as kihyun's fingers glide over the younger's skin just underneath his shirt, light feathery touches causing a ticklish sensation making goosebumps rise on the surface of his skin as he would occasionally shiver in the older's hold. changkyun now lies on kihyun's bed.

"kihyun," changkyun whispers against his lips.

"again," kihyun tells him, grinning.

"kihyun," changkyun says once more, another melodious giggle being elicited when kihyun puts a little more pressure on the glide across his hips (one of changkyun's most ticklish parts). the older simply can't get enough hearing the younger say his name. it's so simple, just a mere two syllabus, yet changkyun has a tone to it when he says it that causes kihyun's heart to stutter.

"again."

"my mouth hurts, kihyun," the younger whines this time.

"you're being dramatic," kihyun states with an incredulous eye roll. changkyun lifts himself off kihyun's chest with one of his elbows and uses his other hand to smack the older.

"and you're being unreasonable," changkyun retorts back.

"excuse me?" kihyun queries with an amused brow raised.

"i've been saying your name for more than thirty minutes now!"

"that's being dramatic."

"okay fine, ten minutes," the younger corrects, making sure to throw another eye roll. "but if we were to count yesterday's number i'm sure we will get to more than an hour."

"again, so dramatic. also, what's so wrong with wanting to hear my boyfriend say my name?" kihyun queries.

"nothing's wrong with it!" changkyun quickly answers.

"then?"

changkyun opens his mouth to answer but really he can't say anything more after this, more like he doesn't know what to say. so he huffs in defeat then falls back onto the older's chest where kihyun locks him securely once more.

kihyun snickers knowing changkyun really has no valid points against him after this. it's true, kihyun had been pestering the younger to repeat his name over and over(again) since the wedding reception a few days ago but it's simply because he loves hearing it from changkyun. can anyone blame the man?

"you're annoying, kihyun," changkyun mumbles against the older's chest. kihyun laughs hearing this, leaning down to plant a kiss on top of the younger's hair.

"but you wouldn't have me any other way," the older says.

changkyun grumbles softly as he snuggles his head closer into the older's chest because yes, the younger wouldn't have kihyun any other way because, despite his constant teasing, he knows that it's one of kihyun's ways of showing his affection towards the younger. besides, this teasing side of the older (the much brighter side) always manages to bring changkyun out of his shell—even if it's just a little, making him feel a little bit more comfortable with the foreign situation he is in which most of the time makes him just want to run away.

the younger trails one of his hands under the older's shirt and contently sighs when the skin under his palm feels much warmer. he rubs the hand momentarily on kihyun's abdomen to create more friction for heat then smiles in satisfaction at the warmth he is getting.

"you cold, baby?" kihyun asks gently as he tucks a few strands of the younger's hair behind his ear, realizing what the younger is doing. the younger nods against the older's chest, pressing his hand slightly harder against the older's bare skin. "i know how to—"

kihyun stops dead in his words as he tries to warm the younger's hand by taking the one still in his chest but ends up grazing his fingers against an unusual rough _cloth_ right under his sleeve. changkyun visibly stiffens when he feels kihyun brush against the bandage and he knows he is fucked.

impulsively, changkyun snatches his hand away and takes his other hand out of kihyun's shirt as he sits upright on the older's thighs which makes it all too obvious that he is indeed hiding something. kihyun pushes himself up once again to rest against the headboard with his eyes growing concerned once more.

"chang—changkyun?"

when changkyun looks away kihyun knows he won't be getting a solid answer from the younger unless he pushes him to tell and something in the older didn't stop him this time like every other time. kihyun snatches the younger's bandaged wrist and pulls the sleeves down only to let out a loud, horrid gasp leave his lips seeing changkyun's entire lower arm completely bandaged and what's worse is that there's visible blood seeping through the bandage from the hasty treatment of the wound.

changkyun wants to pull away but kihyun tightens his grip on his wrist where it isn't covered in bandages, making sure not to hurt the younger in any way than he already is.

"when did—when did you do this?" kihyun asks, his voice betraying him from trying to keep it together. but changkyun stays silent, gaze now only focused on his poorly bandaged arm watching how the blood is desperately trying to seep out between the tiny holes.

"fuck changkyun!" kihyun curses from the silence he is getting and the younger jumps from the sudden outburst. "i'm going to go out of my mind if you just stay silent. please—"

"ju—just n—now," he lets out, barely a whisper but kihyun catches it with his heart sinking.

"changkyun—wh—why?" kihyun questions instead, sounding so defeated but at the same time he yearns for an understanding, some kind of answer for him to truly comprehend why changkyun would go back to the blade when everything seemed to be getting (somewhat) better...

how is changkyun supposed to answer him? he feels stuck himself.

he didn't know if he should straight out tell kihyun that the demons made him do it, or that his mind was buzzing too much that he needed some sort of distraction—some kind of pain to take his mind off the screaming thoughts that were hurting him, or that he had just felt so drained, so numb to the point where maybe feeling the sting when the blade meets his skin somehow makes him feel something other than the ache in his heart?

or should he just be blunt and admit that there really isn't anything stopping him from leaving now that minhyuk and shownu are married?

the life he had planned out from the moment he had not graduated high school up to minhyuk's wedding had played out nicely, following along the flow changkyun had wanted. there really isn't anything stopping changkyun from doing the final thing he has been planning to do for months now.

changkyun didn't know how to start his sentence let alone phrase the whole goddamn explanation because he knew kihyun wouldn't understand, not to the full extent. and the last thing he wants is for kihyun to look at him in utter patheticness for resorting to _cutting_ when there are so many other ways to deal with his problems.

kihyun watches with utter fear at how unbelievably calm changkyun looks and it scares him so fucking much that changkyun isn't shouting, screaming or even crying to him. changkyun is just sitting there, eyeing his bandaged arm, and is very much deep in his thoughts.

that's when his mind inevitably fleets back to the moment in changkyun's room where he had sneaked around and read the letters in his tattered grey book. and it's almost as though kihyun's heart stopped, remembering the words changkyun had once told him.

_"there's nothing more to live for once minhyuk hyung gets married to shownu hyung"._

_"everyone will be happy in a few more months."_

and now minhyuk and shownu's wedding has just passed.

"do you—do you still have the _letters_?" kihyun asks now as he holds onto his breath. this seems to snap something in the younger.

changkyun manages to snatch his wrist away from kihyun and get off his lap, moving away to the edge of his bed with a deep frown embedded on his forehead.

"you wouldn't even know about the letters if you didn't go around snooping in places you shouldn't have, kihyun," changkyun says instead, completely ignoring what the older had just asked him.

"you're not answering the question," kihyun presses, his eyes starting to burn now as he stares at changkyun, who now, dares stare back at him but his eyes seem to be filled with something he isn't familiar with—almost like his beautiful dark brown orbs that held so much vulnerability and kindness are swirled with malice, glaring back at him.

"it doesn't matter if i have the letters."

"it does!"

"and why does it?" changkyun challenges. kihyun feels so defenseless especially when changkyun sounds anything but placid now.

"stop—stop talking like that," kihyun tells him dejectedly.

"like what? like i'm actually going to do it?" changkyun spits.

"changkyun!" kihyun screams at him now, feeling completely frustrated and angry at changkyun for talking the way he is. with his eyes glossing over with tears, he feels his anger bubbling within him as well.

"if you want to run away from this mess, kihyun, i'm not stopping you," changkyun suddenly tells him, voice sounding calm all over again.

"whoever said i wanted to run away from you?"

"it didn't stop you the first time."

this catches kihyun completely off guard, bringing the horrible memories from a few months ago to come flooding right back in.

"that—that was all me. it was never you, it was only my fault."

"only your fault..." changkyun repeats those words then lets out a bitter chuckle. "is that the same reason why you called me a _burden_?"

this stabs right at kihyun's heart.

_"i don't need another burden in my life"._

"i —i never meant t—that," kihyun stumbles over his words. "i used your insecurities against you; it was wrong—it was so fucking wrong and low of me. i'm sorry, changkyun. i'm so sorry," kihyun desperately pleads as tears stray from his eyes.

"but i'm sure at some point in your life you felt that way because if not you wouldn't have brought it up," changkyun nonchalantly says, giving little mind to kihyun's desperation and plea. "your life was already a mess, you couldn't handle another one."

"that's not true!"

"liar," changkyun sneers. "everyone calls me a burden. you can't suddenly be a saint and say i'm not."

"oh, you think you know me so well, is it?" kihyun retorts, more streams of hot tears slide down his face. "you think you could even understand an ounce of what i truly feel towards you?"

"no, i don't understand," changkyun straight out tells him. "if i did understand i wouldn't be questioning why _you're_ even _my boyfriend_. i wouldn't be questioning why _you're still here_."

"excuse me?"

"don't you get it? nothing makes sense!" changkyun yells now, standing by the foot of kihyun's bed with both his fists clenched and thick tears clinging onto his lashlines threatening to fall.

"changkyun—"

"why are you still here? why are you telling me all these sweet things? why are you kissing me with so much affection and hold me so much care? why do you, _yoo kihyun_ , care about a fucked up like me. i don't understand. i don't fucking understand!"

"why would you say that?"

"it's the bloody truth. i'm sorry i couldn't sugarcoat it enough for you."

"i do it because i fucking care for you, changkyun. don't you fucking see it!"

"no, you're lying," changkyun says, trying to convince himself when he realizes how sweet his life is turning out to be. it didn't make sense one bit. he didn't deserve the care, the nurturing or even the concern of others. he hadn't gotten it for seventeen years so why is he suddenly getting it now?

"you don't really care," changkyun states whilst shaking his head already lost in his own headspace. "you never really cared like everyone else."

to hear these words only hurts kihyun even more because if only changkyun knew how much his heart really bleeds for the younger boy, how he would go to the end of the world just for him, only for the younger to, in the end, accuse him of being insincere.

"are you trying to say that i've been doing all these things for you just to stop you from doing what you wanted to after minhyuk's wedding?" changkyun falls silent and this only angers kihyun more. "tell me and don't stay fucking silent, goddammit!" he curses, slamming his fist hard against the bed.

"maybe you are," changkyun finally answers as a tear betrays the younger. and kihyun's heart inevitably drops then and there. "you don't really care about me, you're just doing all this to feel less guilty about what you've done."

kihyun knew that trying to resolve their problems in a heated argument is far from a good idea, but his mind is clouded with so much hurt and frustration that he couldn't possibly see through any logical solution for them to simply sit down for a moment, cool off and then talk again.

instead, kihyun acts on impulse, letting his emotions get the best of him when he knows he shouldn't.

"get the fuck out," kihyun mutters with his head turned away from changkyun, and his tears falling much quicker now that he didn't bother wiping them away.

changkyun, carrying his throbbing heart in his chest that's barely beating, walks out without looking back.


	79. Chapter 79

hyungwon places his tray right in front of him and then he places kihyun’s tray right in front of the male whose head is resting on his arms on the table, barely seeming to notice (or care) about the other’s presence. hyungwon sighs then nudges his elbow towards his friend who reacts a few seconds later by letting out a displeased groan as he sits up right in his wheelchair and shoots a glare towards hyungwon. 

the taller is already used to it by now, seeing as how  _ moody  _ kihyun has been for the past few days now.

“did you fuck something up again?” hyungwon asks, sitting down beside kihyun.

“what? i’m  _ that  _ obvious?” kihyun retorts. hyungwon simply hums. 

“first off, you’re _moody_ ,” hyungwon starts.

“i’m always moody,” kihyun counters —which is true to a certain degree. 

“secondly, you look like complete _shit_ —like just utter  _ poop _ .” kihyun rolls his eyes at this, snorting incredulously at his friend’s statement. he knew he didn’t look the best with his hair disheveled and considering the fact that he has been throwing on hoodies and sweats to classes instead of his usual casual outfits. but he guessed that hyungwon had a point; for someone like kihyun to be attending classes in mere sweats and hoodie does make him look like shit. 

“thirdly—” the taller pauses when their dimpled-friend places his own try right next to kihyun’s other side and sits down with an anticipated grin. “hello,” hyungwon briefly greets. kihyun gives him a terse glance before resting his chin once again on his arms. 

“hello to you too,” jooheon says, patting kihyun’s very much slouched shoulders. “so, i heard something about poop?”

“i was stating visible evidence of kihyun looking like shit lately,” hyungwon says then takes a bite of his food. 

“oh, are we spotting the difference between kihyun last week and this week?” jooheon exclaims with much excitement leaning in closer to the both of them. 

“i’m glad my whole existence is entertainment to you both since both your crusty lives are stale,” kihyun sarcastically comments.

“i’m going to ignore the fact that you called me crusty and stale because we all know i am neither of those,” jooheon says. “but i can’t say the same for hyungwon,” he adds playfully. 

“hey!” the taller exclaims. he takes a few pieces of fries and aims it towards the dimpled male who manages to duck in time, having the fries fall in vain on the floor. “fucker.” jooheon sticks out his tongue as a response. hyungwon takes another new batch to throw at jooheon but kihyun quickly takes the fries away from him and shoves it into his mouth instead.

“if that is how you plan on using your fries might as well give it to me,” kihyun says. hyungwon grumbles and jooheon snickers.

“okay, since we’re doing this spot the difference shit, i spot that kihyun has _eyebags_ ,” jooheon states, pointing to the obvious bags under the aforementioned eyes. 

“you have them too,” kihyun says bluntly.

“these — ” jooheon points to his own prominent eyebags. “ — i got them from gaming, something you find to be a complete waste of time.” kihyun’s only response is rolling his eyes (yet another time). “also , sweats and hoodies for the third day? that’s not like you at all,” jooheon mentions, observing his friend’s outer appearance with a slight frown etched on his forehead. 

“hasn’t it occur to you that maybe i’m going through a phase?” kihyun mutters. 

“a phase where you chose to wear _only_ sweats and hoodies?” jooheon repeats with widened eyes, not completely believing what he had heard his wheel-chaired friend had just said considering he was one to oppose wearing something so “lazy” (as he would put it) to classes. “lord, who hurt you?” jooheon questions dramatically.

“more like who’d he hurt,” hyungwon rephrases nonchalantly. and to this kihyun unexpectedly lets out a heavy sigh filled with thick dejection. 

“there’s only one person i always end up hurting.” 

to say that kihyun giving such an honest and raw answer really did shock them is a fair understatement because both of them stop whatever they were doing to look at kihyun who’s head is already lowered. 

there isn’t a doubt in their minds as to whom kihyun was referring to but they knew it is best for kihyun to say it for himself than to have them force it out of his mouth. 

after much silence, kihyun finally looks up to his friends and says. “it’s — i hurt changkyun  _ again _ ... ” kihyun trails off. both hyungwon and jooheon move their chairs closer to kihyun then place each arm on his back. 

“what happened?” hyungwon asks softly. 

“i — i yelled at him,” kihyun mumbles, ashamed of himself. he hears jooheon sigh out loud beside him.

“now why would you do that?” jooheon asks this time. 

“i didn’t mean to, i really didn’t,” kihyun cries, eyes desperate for his friends to believe him. “i was just — ” kihyun chokes on his words, so caught up with his own emotions, remembering all that he felt when he saw changkyun’s arms and their argument after that. god, does kihyun hate himself for letting his emotions get the best of him.

“kihyun-ah~” jooheon comforts, lightly rubbing his wheel-chaired friend’s back. 

“i know i messed up before and i just —god, why am i like this?” kihyun scolds himself as he frustratingly rubs his hands over his face. 

“come on, kihyun, you must have your reasons for yelling at changkyun,” hyungwon tells him, trying to coax his friend. 

“even if i did have my reasons it didn’t give me the right to yell at him to—to _leave_ ,” kihyun says weakly, completely defeated as he thinks back to the words he had told the younger. he didn’t mean them, he could never mean them but at the same time, he couldn’t handle the hurt his heart was feeling when changkyun belittled his feelings for him. 

hyungwon and jooheon are torn with what to do or tell kihyun; at one end they wanted to scream at him, scold him for yelling at changkyun to leave but on the other end they couldn’t because they didn’t have the heart to, not when kihyun looks so contrite now for doing it (unlike he was last time). and it really seems to them like kihyun had done something out of impulse—something he had always done. 

“okay,” hyungwon exhales after a while. “i’m not going to ask what you guys were fighting about because that is between the both of you. i just want to understand what you were feeling when you told him to leave. changkyun must’ve done or said something for you to say something like that.”

“i— i guess i was hurt and angry—but i wasn’t angry _at_ him… i just—the words he said—i don’t know hyungwon!” kihyun grumbles in exasperation. “i don’t know why i said what i said. i don’t know why i got so angry when he said that i really didn’t care for him when i really fucking do. i don’t know why it hurts me to see him so hurt and helpless and that i'm going out of my mind knowing i can’t do a single fucking thing to help him."

“that’s because you care for him, kihyun,” jooheon tells him gently. “that is why you feel the way you do.” kihyun turns his rout gaze towards jooheon.

"i care for him so much,” kihyun says in a mere whisper.

“we know you do,” jooheon affirms sadly, watching how his friend is beating himself up like this over feelings he isn’t so familiar with. they know that this is kihyun’s first time feeling such intense emotions for someone and they understand that it will get overwhelming when things don’t turn out right. they’ve seen how kihyun smiles like an idiot when they’re talking about changkyun or from simply just observing him together with changkyun and they’ve also seen moments where kihyun cried for changkyun for being so helpless. 

“i —you know i care for you guys, i do, so much but the way i care for changkyun, it's different—i’m so scared," kihyun admits. "i’m so fucking scared to lose him."

“you love him,” hyungwon states. kihyun instantly turns to face the taller male feeling completely taken aback by this sudden statement. it’s not that kihyun has never suspected that he might like changkyun a little more than he thought he did before, but it’s more of a shocker hearing it from someone other than his own heart and head.

“you love changkyun, don’t you?” hyungwon repeats with a soft smile. 

hyungwon didn’t need an answer because he already has it.

“i do,” kihyun confirms with his eyes starting to burn and his heart starting to beat slightly faster as the sudden realization hits him heavily. “i love changkyun.”

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

changkyun pulls the sleeves of his hoodie all the way to his hands to cover the bandage around his lower arm before he makes his way into the kitchen where shownu is already seated at the dinner table with his phone in his hand going through emails from (he guess) work since the older is still in his work attire and minhyuk’s plating their dinner by the kitchen counter. 

“hi changkyun-ah~” shownu greets with a smile as soon as he notices changkyun entering the kitchen.

“hi hyung…” changkyun mutters loud enough for the older to hear. shownu extends one of his arms to welcome the younger with a warm smile. changkyun goes into his arms like he always does and leans down to kiss the older’s cheek to which shownu does the same as well as a form of a small greeting. 

ever since the wedding, shownu had moved in with minhyuk and changkyun. it isn’t anything new considering shownu had been over their house a few times prior to the marriage, but it is still a little something changkyun has to get used to, like having shownu wake him up some mornings instead of minhyuk or have both minhyuk and shownu tuck him in at night. or maybe sometimes even have shownu do things for changkyun that minhyuk normally would.

changkyun takes a seat in front of shownu just as minhyuk brings over their plate. when minhyuk places changkyun’s plate in front of the younger he is sure to place a loving kiss on the side of his head before going back to get his own plate and sit next to his husband. 

“changkyunnie, shownu and i will be visiting his parents tomorrow,” minhyuk tells him once they’ve all started eating. changkyun perks him from this, eyebrows lifted in curiosity. “would you like to follow us?”

changkyun thinks for a moment, debating with the demons inside of him and unfortunately changkyun simply didn’t have the willpower to go against his demons anymore. he blindly follows what they say since it only hurts trying to be strong and keeping it together when nothing good ever seems to come out from it anyways

“ac —actually, i’m supposed to be meeting kihyun and his friends tomorrow. we’re — we’re going out…” changkyun says—lies. 

it’s been three days since changkyun last spoke to kihyun. he hasn’t reached out to the older at all let alone his friends. but using kihyun and his friends’ names—even when he knows it’s wrong—will make it believable enough considering minhyuk already knows that changkyun has a good relationship with them. besides, it wouldn’t even be the first time that changkyun would be spending the whole day with them (supposedly). 

“i see. what time will you be meeting them?”

“uhm—” he pauses, trying to think of a believable time that would hopefully coincide with the time minhyuk and shownu are leaving. “i think—i think they mentioned around noon…?” the younger trails off unsurely. “i’ll have to double check with them later,” he quickly adds. 

changkyun sighs internally after that when minhyuk nods before diverting into another topic where mostly he and shownu spoke leaving changkyun to dwell in his own thoughts that are slowly becoming loud buzzes. 

  
tomorrow. if minhyuk and shownu are going tomorrow that means changkyun would have the house for himself for at least a good few hours. changkyun will — _ finally _ —be alone.


	80. ⚠

_H̶y̶u̶n̶g̶,̶_

_Kihyun hyung,_

_I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶m̶_

_I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶_

_I don't really know how to start this..._

_I guess I'll start by saying I'm sorry hyung, I really am. I know you may think that I don't mean it but I really do. I didn't mean to be a burden to you too. I'm so sorry hyung._

_This letter_ _i̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶_ _looks different, doesn't it? You can consider this as my second letter to you since I burnt the first one. That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? You can say that I did it out of impulse. I guess it was because I was so happy in that one moment of my life where I thought things might just be okay_ _—where I thought_ _you actually cared for me. Even if you didn't actually care, hyung, I was happy for a short moment and I want to say thank you for that because I haven't truly experienced that much happiness until I met you._

_H̶y̶u̶n̶g̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶_

_Hyung, I miss you. I miss you, so much. And I know it's stupid of me but sometimes I wonder if you miss me too, maybe even a little, but realistically I don't think you do and it's okay. I don't blame you because if we're being honest here, what is there to miss?_

_I don't hate you, hyung, I don't think I can ever hate someone who's made me the happiest I have ever felt in the last seventeen years of my life. As much as your words hurt me I know you were just telling the truth and it's my fault for ever thinking that maybe you saw a different side of me that no one had seen before. I should've just accepted the fact that I am, in fact, a burden. The thing is I already believed I was before I met you yet there was always this tiny spark within me that refused to believe so thinking maybe, just maybe, someone would actually want me._

_I guess I judged my happiness a little too rashly, didn't I?_

_Even if I am a burden and I'm the problem I know leaving isn't the answer and I know that I could stay and fix myself, but the thing is who should I stay for, hyung?_

_When I burnt the first letter I thought I would finally start to live for you. I wanted to see you happy, I wanted to stay longer just to make you smile because I was truly so happy seeing you happy and for me, that was more than enough because I thought I would stay for you until I find my own purpose to live. I thought it was possible, it really seemed so back then. I thought I could make it, I thought I finally made someone happy... But I was wrong. I was too quick to judge my situation. I made a decision in a moment where it was too sweet for me to realize that it was only short-lived._

_I could stay, hyung, but it would be as pointless as me living now. If I were to change people would still see me as the Changkyun they know_ _—_ _the good-for-nothing punching bag, the useless boy who can't seem to do one single thing right. I tried before, hyung, I tried to be better, I tried everything I thought would make people like me even a little but no one gave me the time of day to stop and look at how I'm trying._

_So what's the point?_

_I'm tired, hyung, I really am. I want to be strong and I want to hold on but it hurts and honestly hyung I don't have the energy to try anymore. Everything hurts._

_But it's not all so bad once I leave, lets be positive, okay? Minhyuk hyung is getting married to Shownu hyung (or they're already married by the time you read this) and I bet their family will be so happy and beautiful! And you, hyung, in a few more years you will graduate!! I'm sure by then you will already be interning somewhere. That sounds nice, right? I'm really so happy for all of you! Your life will turn out great and even if life gets a little rough, you will all flourish in the end, I just know it._

_One last thing, hyung,_

_I heard Minhyuk hyung invited you and your family to the wedding. You're going, right? I mean I hope you do. This is really wishful thinking at this point but I also hope that you will approach me when you see me. I know the chances are slim and I don't even know if the sight of me angers you but I'm a coward, hyung, I don't have the courage to personally approach you even when I really want to_ _._

 _I don't even know if I have the place to say this but_ _c̶a̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ can_ _I ask for one last favor, hyung?_

_Could you give me one last hug? Even if you still hate me or you have nothing to say to me, I would really like one last hug from you, I won't ask for anything more I promise. I know it's stupid of me to write it here than to tell it right to you but I guess it's just me wishing (hoping) this small plea will reach you somehow._

_And hyung, if I were to approach you, will you turn me away? If I really did muster up what little courage I have left and asked you, will you hug me tight? I hope so. As foolish as I sound I'm keeping this small little hope in my heart. But even if you don't approach me in the end or you turn me away, I will understand and I won't hate you._

_I could never hate you, hyung, I hope you know that._

_This is all I have to say. I know this letter is much longer than the one I previously wrote but I guess it's because I'm a little more emotional tonight... Don't dwell on this letter too much, okay hyung? I hope you will have a good life ahead of you._

_Thank you, Kihyun hyung._

**_25.01.2019  
_ ** **_Im Changkyun_ **


	81. ⚠

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠  
> Really heavy chapter ahead⚠ Not for the faint of heart. If at any moment you feel uncomfortable please skip this chapter‼

**Changkyun❤**

_20 May_

**Kihyun:**  
baby  
 _Delivered✔✔, 10:32_  
 _Read✔✔, 16:51_

changkyun I'm so sorry  
 _Delivered✔✔, 10:33_  
 _Read✔✔. 16:51_

i really didn't mean to yell at you like that  
i never meant to ask you to leave  
i'm sorry...  
 _Delivered✔✔, 10: 35_  
 _Read✔✔, 16: 51_

_21 May_

**Kihyun:**  
hey  
i saw you read my messages  
 _Delivered✔✔, 08: 41_  
 _Read✔✔, 23: 00_

i understand if you don't want to talk to me now  
i'll give you as much space as you want  
please take care of yourself, okay?  
 _Delivered✔✔, 08: 43_  
 _Read✔✔, 23:00_

_23 May_

**Kihyun:**  
how are you doing?  
 _Delivered✔✔, 13: 37_  
 _Read✔✔, 16: 57_

  
i really want to go over and see you but i know that might make you uncomfortable now  
have you been eating well?  
 _Delivered✔✔, 13:43_  
 _Read✔✔, 13:57_

_24 May_

**Kihyun:**  
i miss you  
 _Sent✔, 05:14_

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

changkyun's hands are shaking.

changkyun's hands didn't shake when he stood by the front door, waving goodbye to both minhyuk and shownu as they both got into the car.

changkyun's hands didn't shake when he dragged his feet out all the way to the pharmacy to buy the pills.

changkyun's hands didn't even shake when he was paying for it or when the cashier warned him that such a high dosage could cause harm; but of course, changkyun paid little attention to that with his mind completely fogged with his sorrow..

yet after all that, changkyun's hands are shaking _now_.

the pills that he had bought are on the dressing table in front of him but his attention stayed glued to the boy staring back at him in the mirror. the boy in the mirror, named _im changkyun_ , changkyun barely recognisest him. his soulless eyes strained hard, trying to find any scraps of whatever happiness that was left within his shattered soul but the sad thing is, for the first time, he couldn't find even a hairline of happiness anywhere, almost like his whole soul has been inked black, so opaque that the lights of hope and happiness just simply couldn't peek through the cracks, not anymore.

this isn't im changkyun. or at least not the im changkyun people knew. the changkyun people knew was quiet, so timid but he had a tint of light, a speck of hope still lingering in those pained orbs.

but changkyun knows that this, staring right at him, is the _real_ im changkyun, this is who he is meant to be in the end, just a mere empty shell that's been wrapped around by countless demons breaking him so painfully slowly.

_pathetic._

_so useless._

_do you invite trouble everywhere you go?_

_he's making people miserable._

_do you want to mess up my life even more than it already is?_

_this is why people hate you._

"i hate you," changkyun whispers out with venomous loathing as he stares at his own reflection. his eyes start to sting from the oncoming tears as his hands tremble even more.

he unconsciously digs his fingernails into the healing wound of his (new) cuts and he waits for the physical pain to hit him because right now his emotional pain is so overbearing it is getting hard to breathe.

when he feels nothing, changkyun sinks his nails in deeper, almost clawing out his skin and he lets out a pained whimper as he watches the blood trail down his pale arm and drops carelessly all over the dressing table and floor.

the sight of his own self looks so unpleasant that he could just gag at the amount of self-loathe building inside of him. it felt like acid churning in his stomach and it seems like he can taste the bitterness of the bile on his tongue.

his reflection is revolting—he himself is repulsive.

fuck did he really want to kill himself so bad.

the longer he stared, he started feeling sickeningly pitiful. he pities the people around him that were forced to put up with him all because he is alive.

changkyun pities minhyuk for having to take him under his care. he couldn't be the functional 'normal' brother any sibling would want without having to be worried the whole twenty-four-seven wondering how or what will break changkyun next.

changkyun took away minhyuk's peace.

changkyun pities shownu because he was only dragged into this mess because changkyun is related to minhyuk and he is now minhyuk's husband.

changkyun took away shownu's peace.

he pity his parents for having such a horrible son. he couldn't even make them proud once. he couldn't get the grades they wanted him to get. they couldn't even talk about him to other people because he embarrassed them _that_ much. he's heard stories of how happy life was when it was only his parents and minhyuk.

changkyun took away his parents' peace.

he pities kihyun. he feels so bad that kihyun is stuck with all this guilt within himself that it is tying him down to changkyun. and he made it worse when he agreed to be kihyun's boyfriend. he had snatched away another freedom the older had. changkyun didn't deserve affection when all he has ever done is bring misfortune to people's lives.

changkyun took away kihyun's peace, too.

in the end all the words that had pierced through him are true—he is simply a burden and he was about to do everyone a favour that he hopes will finally make them happy. maybe he will (finally) be doing something right.

this prompts him to dig his nails deeper another time ad this time he cries out loud from the physical pain. he didn't care if he is bleeding so much that he might lose blood and fall unconscious. he didn't care if the pain is so physically unbearable that he falls weak on his knees. he didn't care because he is finally masking the pain from his bleeding heart and shattered soul.

changkyun didn't cry, funny thing. the most tears that left his eyes were his natural body's response to the pain inflicted on him. he didn't cry after coming back from the argument with kihyun. he didn't cry when he was all alone in his room left to ponder and linger with his demons that never stopped their whispering. he didn't even cry as this day got closer.

but changkyun finally breaks when his trembling hands spilled the entire bottle of pills onto the floor.

this is his final breaking point.

every suppressed emotion he has within his tiny body is finally released in this one loud, heart wrenching cry. he falls weakly to the ground right next to his bed with the pills everywhere. he chokes several times from the severity of his screams. but he doesn't stop.

his cries doesn't stop when his bloodied hand desperately scrambles to find every single pill that are scattered.

he doesn't stop when his throat starts to burn from the screams.

he doesn't stop when he can't seem to catch his breath properly or when the splitting headache starts.

he wants to die. god, does he want to die.

he only stops, briefly, when he pops a pill and forcefully swallows it, one pill at a time.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

kihyun is alone on this day. nothing peculiar.

he rereads the messages that he had sent the younger with the last one being earlier this morning and he lets out the nth sigh of the day. he sees changkyun last read his messages yesterday and he has yet read the one he sent this morning. nothing peculiar again. changkyun has been doing that for almost a week now.

just as kihyun places his phone back on the counter, it rings. he jumps slightly in his wheelchair before flipping the phone over to see the most unlikely name to appear on his screen. lee minhyuk.

now, that is peculiar.

minhyuk almost never calls kihyun unless he truly needs something, and that too always concerns changkyun. for some reason, kihyun dreads this call. he hasn't picked it up yet but he can't disregard the way his palm suddenly sweats or the very undeniable feeling of his stomach sinking.

just before the last second of the call ending, kihyun swipes the green phone icon and brings it to his ear, his heartbeat loud, it's loud enough for him to hear and he hopes minhyuk doesn't hear it over the line.

"kihyun?" minhyuk's voice comes over the line and immediately the wheel-chaired male can sense that his tone doesn't sound right. minhyuk sounds almost desperate and maybe even relieved that kihyun picked up.

that's because minhyuk is.

"hey min—"

"can you pass the phone to changkyun, please?" minhyuk says, the desperation much clearer in his voice now and if kihyun strains his ear a little more he could catch the touch of fear laced with it.

kihyun is instantly dumbfounded, hearing what the other had asked him.

"i'm sorry. what?" kihyun questions, very much confused.

"i need to talk to changkyun. could pass the phone to him? i tried calling on his phone but he didn't pick up," minhyuk says.

kihyun doesn't know what to make of this call. it is no doubt that any call from minhyuk always keeps him on edge and that is because he never knows what to expect. just like the situation he is in right now. he had thought of so many other possibilities of why minhyuk would be calling him, but asking him to pass the phone to his little brother who clearly isn't with him—who hasn't been for the past week— is something he would've never expected.

"kihyun?" minhyuk calls once again when the aforementioned male didn't reply.

"changkyun isn't here with me," kihyun says.

"what do you mean changkyun isn't there with you?"

"i mean, i'm all alone right now. i'm not with changkyun right now," kihyun answers.

"that can't be right. it's only a few hours past noon..." kihyun hears minhyuk mumble softly, more so to himself but the wheelchaired male caught everything and this churns his stomach more.

"is—is something wrong?" kihyun asks hesitantly, unsure if he'll even like the answer that will be given to him.

"did you guys finish early then? did changkyun say his phone died or something?" minhyuk asks now.

"minhyuk, i—i don't understand why you're even asking me these questions," kihyun tells him frankly, not because he was frustrated or annoyed but because he is genuinely confused. "i haven't seen changkyun the whole day today."

_'or for the past week since our argument.'_

but kihyun didn't add that.

"you and changkyun were supposed to meet with your friends this afternoon, right?"

"me and—wait, what ar—"

"it's just i tried calling changkyun for a while now but he isn't picking up. he told me he'll be spending the day with you and your friends so i figured to call you instead cause i need to ask him something."

kihyun's eyes widened, hearing the lie changkyun told his brother about his whereabouts.

"changkyun—he—like i said, i haven't seen him the whole day today." the line goes silent for a moment, so dead silent that kihyun wonders if minhyuk did abandon the line to go somewhere else because he can still hear the indistinct chatter in the background.

"— _shownu, come on w_ —" kihyun hears faintly at the back.

"minhyuk?" kihyun calls unsurely.

"kihyun, if it's not too much to ask, could you please go over and check on changkyun for us, please? i don't feel too good about this—the fact that he lied to us about spending the day with you and now he's not answering his phone. please?" minhyuk practically is pleading at this point, his fear reaching to the brim as both he and shownu have to hastily say goodbye to both of shownu's parents.

"i will. of course, i will," kihyun says with his own fears increasing as his head starts replaying their fight from the other day.

"thank you, really. please, kihyun, call me once you've seen him."

"i will."

kihyun exhales out loud after that. he rubs his sweaty palms against his jeans as he tries to stop his mind from thinking about all the worst-case scenarios.

changkyun is okay. changkyun _will_ be okay.

kihyun tries to reassure himself with these words.

but the odds of it only seem to get slimmer when kihyun checks his last message to changkyun and it still says _Sent_ with a single tick and it crushes him even more when he tries to call changkyun (taking whatever chances he can) and it goes straight to voicemail.

so now, with changkyun's house key at hand (the spare changkyun had given him once), he turns the key and twists the doorknob to be greeted with an eerie silence. he doesn't even know if changkyun is home. for all he knew, changkyun could've lied to minhyuk and shownu that he would be spending time with kihyun when really he went somewhere else on his own.

kihyun doesn't even know which alternative is the worst.

"changkyun," he calls, voice strained with most of the sound caught in his throat. nothing.

"changkyun!" he tries again, much louder this time. still nothing.

his heart beats painfully hard against his chest with the adrenaline rushing and his anxiety rising. the house is too quiet for his liking, so quiet that the silence just fuels his anxiety even more as he wheels himself into the house and down the hallway.

"changkyun?" he calls, again. and again, nothing.

for some reason kihyun stops right in front of the bathroom, almost like he was compelled to. perhaps it was the scenario in his head that told him to do so. he sucks it up, clenches the door knob tight and twists it, pushing it back and he stops breathing for a second.

changkyun isn't there.

kihyun lets out the biggest sigh of relief. he then turns his wheelchair to the door facing right in front of the bathroom and he wastes no time to reach for the knob and pushes the door open.

it is silent. and he thought changkyun really isn't home—until he sees a leg sticking out from the other side of the bed. kihyun quickly wheels himself into changkyun's room knowing very well that that is in fact the boy he was searching for.

"chang—" kihyun wanted to call, but his words evaporated together with the shock as he sees the younger boy, head laid lazily against the side of the bed, arms all bloodied and skin torn as he slowly slips in and out of consciousness.

"fuck! fuck! fuck!" kihyun curses even more when he sees the pill bottle not far from changkyun's reach with a few spilled on the ground. "changkyun! fuck, changk—changkyun!" kihyun screams for the boy but he doesn't seem to register him properly.

kihyun tries to lift himself off his wheelchair. he pushes as hard as he can and with whatever little muscles strength that he had developed the past month he is able to stand on his feet for a few good seconds before he lowers himself and eventually lets himself fall to the ground where he ends up crawling next to changkyun, dragging his very-much warn out legs behind him like excess baggage.

"cha—changkyun b—baby," kihyun cries softly. changkyun whimpers, like he's in pain, but he doesn't give any indication that he registers the older's presence as he is feeling so hazy.

kihyun quickly takes his phone out and calls _119_. he tries not to break down while he explains the situation he is in and he managed to keep it together but that all fails when he calls minhyuk to let him know. he couldn't through much coherent sentences that makes sense, but kihyun cries did alarm minhyuk which prompted him to tell shownu to step on the gas.

"changkyun," kihyun calls as he makes the younger boy lean on his lap. his warm tears just wouldn't stop trailing down his cheeks in constant streaks that he found pointless to wipe off after a while.

he tries patting the younger's face, repeatedly calling his name and even shaking him as hard as he could but neither of those worked which only has kihyun crying harder in sheer fear and helplessness. he didn't know what he could do to help changkyun while he waits for the paramedics. the operator on the line only told him to get changkyun to stay conscious until the paramedics arrive but he couldn't even do this one _simple_ thing and it frustrates him even more.

"chan—changkkyun pl—please don't do th—this."

he stares down at his precious boy with his vision blurred every second from fresh tears and he can't help but cry even more. he knew changkyun is broken, but the boy in his arms right now looks so completely wrecked, damaged beyond repair and it breaks his heart further. his hands are shaking so badly as he tries to sweep changkyun hair out of his face.

he couldn't lose changkyun, not like this—not when they are on bad terms. not when he had planned so much for them. not when he hasn't even gotten the chance to say what he truly feels for the younger to a full extent, to kiss him like there's no tomorrow, to hug him until he feels like his bones are breaking, to make him laugh until it hurts, and to love him until changkyun could learn to love himself.

he couldn't lose changkyun. it isn't fair.

"please baby, op—open your eyes an—"

"ki—kihyun—" the younger splutters hazily, cutting kihyun's plea midway

"yes! yes, it's me, changkyun. stay with me, okay? help—help is coming, baby. just ke—keep your eyes open for me, okay?" kihyun desperately tells changkyun.

"no!" the younger cries hearing this.

"changkyun—"

"le—leave!" changkyun breathes out, weakly pushing kihyun away. "i wan—i want to die!" the younger cries out in so much pain that kihyun himself couldn't hold in his sobs anymore.

"n—no... baby, don't—don't say that," kihyun whimpers.

"i don't want to live anymore," changkyun trails out softly, life barely clinging onto those words. "please let—let me d—die," he begs the older as his desperate tears leak out from the sides of his bloodshot eyes. "i can't—i—" and changkyun stops when he starts coughing before vomiting blood all over himself, kihyun and the floor since he didn't have the energy to lift his body up and double over.

changkyun lets out another pained whimper in kihyun's arms, barely conscious.

"no! no! no—changkyun, please. stay awake f—for me! changkyun please!"

but all of kihyun's words fall deaf to the unconscious boy who lays still in kihyun's arms. 


	82. Chapter 82

"kihyun-ah," mrs yoo calls kihyun gently. the aforementioned male jumps in his wheelchair with his desperate eyes quickly looking at his mother for any sort of positive news. mrs yoo cannot be any more heartbroken seeing the condition changkyun is in and how on edge kihyun has been since he arrived at the hospital yesterday.

changkyun still hasn't regained consciousness.

"let's go out for a bit," his mother coaxes to which kihyun frowns. the wheelchaired male turns his attention back to the unconscious boy laying on the hospital bed. his hand that is intertwined with one of the younger's tightens a little while the other rests lightly on the younger's hair where he would occasionally card his finger's through.

"where are we going?" he asks impassively, caring so little. frankly, kihyun couldn't care about anything else, not unless it concerns changkyun. and right now, leaving changkyun's side isn't an option on his list. the most he had done was to go home and freshen up and that too after multiple begging from his mother and minhyuk. after coming back, kihyun hasn't left changkyun's side, and he doesn't intend to.

"to the canteen," his mother says as she rubs her son's back, hoping it'll coax him a little more.

kihyun shakes his head almost immediately, eyes never leaving the younger boy. he gently caresses his thumb over changkyun's cold hand, letting out a heavy sigh.

hunger is the last thing he is thinking about. his mind is too occupied with changkyun's wellbeing; _when will he wake up? is he going to attempt again when he wakes up? is changkyun going to shut everyone out again like before? does he even want to see_ me _...?_

"i'm not hungry," he answers tersely.

"you haven't eaten anything since you got here yesterday. at least take a small bite of something."

"mom—"

"mrs yoo is right," minhyuk says, entering into the ward. he closes the door behind him then approaches both of them. mrs yoo and minhyuk exchange greetings before minhyuk's attention fleets between changkyun and kihyun.

"go and eat something," minhyuk tells him. but kihyun is stubborn. he keeps his eyes on changkyun, never letting go of the younger's hand. "kihyun," minhyuk says wearily and something in the older's tone makes the wheelchaired male look up to him.

minhyuk has been here all day just like kihyun, the only difference is he never left to freshen up (not that it did kihyun any good doing so). kihyun can see how tired and drained minhyuk looks right now from the visible bags under his eyes and he knows that he had been crying too, not in front of them, but the evident puffiness of his cheeks and slightly bloodshot eyes gives it away. 

minhyuk keeps it together when it is only him and kihyun, but when shownu comes straight after work that's when minhyuk crumbles into his husband's arms that are strong enough to hold him together, to comfort him. minhyuk lets everything out, the frustration, the guilt, the tears, the sorrow, and shownu embraces him, telling him words he needed to hear and kissing away his tears.

"please go and eat something, i'll be right here with him," minhyuk reassures him.

it's not that kihyun didn't trust anyone else to be around changkyun, if anything he trusts minhyuk and shownu more to be around the younger instead of the nurses in this hospital, but it's the fact that he feels vulnerable not being by the younger's side.

it's almost like his guilty conscience is telling him to stay and to not leave because if he does something _will_ happen to changkyun. he's afraid that something might happen simply because he is not there, _again_.

he's paranoid in a sense.

finally, he agrees to go, and that too very reluctantly, but he keeps in mind to grab a quick bite that would satisfy his mother enough to let him return to changkyun's side.

he estimates a good five minutes should be sufficient, hence why he told his mother that he wants a simple chicken sandwich with orange juice when she asks him what he wants to eat. it wasn't what she had ideally thought for her son to be consuming considering he hasn't had a proper meal in twenty-four hours but she lets it slide because it is better than nothing. she knows that if she pushed kihyun any further it might end up with him not eating anything at all in the end.

as soon as mrs yoo comes back with the food, kihyun unwraps the sandwich and starts gobbling it, to which he ends up choking almost instantly. stupid, he knows, but being away from changkyun this long is starting to make him feel anxious with all the horrid scenarios playing in his head.

"eat it slowly," his mother scolds. she removes the sandwich from his hand and passes him the orange juice. kihyun takes a huge sip of it and then he never touches his sandwich again. he stares at it, appetite was all gone (whatever was there anyways) as he agitatedly tapped his fingers on the handle of his wheelchair, waiting for the moment his mother could tell him that he could go back to the ward.

mrs yoo takes immediate notice of her son's strange behaviour and she knows he has to talk through to him, if not entirely then hopefully a little.

"talk to me, kihyun-ah," mrs yoo says, tone laced with desperation and plea. "it's not healthy to bottle everything inside. i get that you think no one will understand whatever it is you're feeling right now, but don't shut people out. it does nothing good," she tells him softly.

kihyun lets out a humorless chuckle hearing his mother's words.

"changkyun said the same thing..." kihyun trails off and he feels his stomach dropping to the pit as those words replay in his head.

_'please don't shut out_ _—you don't have to tell us what you're feeling but you can always express these emotions in other ways so it's not all bottled up.'_

it's almost like kihyun just heard those words yesterday. oh, how he misses changkyun.

kihyun doesn't properly register when his eyes start burning _again_ or when his vision starts to blur from the oncoming tears. he can't exactly tell which of his many episodes of crying was the most painful one—was it when the doctor finally allowed him and everyone else to see changkyun after waiting agonizingly for hours? or was it when he went back home last night to take a long shower where all his suppressed emotions started flowing together with the water?

or was it when he found changkyun barely conscious?

he couldn't simply rank which tears hurt more to cry because every single one of them shattered his heart no doubt.

at this point, he doesn't even know if his eyes are hurting from too much crying or from the lack of sleep.

kihyun flinches slightly, taken back by surprise when his mother grazes her thumb lightly under his eyes and that's when he feels the stray tears being whipped away from his cheeks. he's crying again. kihyun covers his face with the palms of his hands and he wills himself to stop crying. he hates himself for crying this much because he knows that crying will make nothing better—yet that is all he has been able to do while he waits beside changkyun's side.

"don't beat yourself up," mrs yoo tells him as she rubs kihyun's arms.

"how can i not?" kihyun says sadly, words muffled by his palms. he lifts his head up to see his mother. his eyes have gone bloodshot once again and the strayed tears stained his cheeks messily. "if my stupid thick-headed self didn't argue with him i could've prevented _this_ from happening."

"you really think so?" his mother questions, which sounded much more rhetorical than kihyun had expected.

"what do you mean?"

"how sure are you that you could've prevented this if the argument didn't happen?" his mother poses gently. kihyun stills for a moment, trying to comprehend what his mother had just said.

"i—i don't know... i guess—i guess i would've been there for him."

"so are you saying you weren't these past few months?"

"if i was then he wouldn't have taken this step," kihyun utters as he clenches the wheels on his wheelchair out of anger at _himself_.

"when you put it that way, it sounds like minhyuk didn't do much to help as well or maybe even shownu."

kihyun's lips part in realisation as he stares at his mother. he didn't mean to make it sound like that.

"i—i didn't mean—"

"i know what you're trying to say," his mother reassures. "from what i've seen and heard, it seems that changkyun has been hurting for a really long time. you need to understand that changkyun was hurting even before he met you."

"i know that..."

"but sometimes you tend to forget that changkyun is _still_ hurting even when things are better for him now," his mother explains. kihyun shamefully looks down because yes, he is guilty of assuming this. "you need to understand that changkyun won't miraculously be healed just because he had a few good months. what changkyun has known and gone through his whole life won't simply be masked by these few short sweet months."

"i—i knew he wasn't fully okay," kihyun says wimpishly. "but—but i didn't want to push him..."

"you didn't want to push him like you did before," mrs yoo adds.

kihyun nods, remembering what had happened months before; going into changkyun's room to approach him only to find his tattered journal, reading and confronting him in a way he had not planned at all.

he fucked up then and so he wanted to be careful now. he didn't want to push the younger to tell or talk about something he wasn't comfortable with. he figured that with time, as his trust with kihyun builds, changkyun would approach him on his own.

that didn't seem like the case now though.

"your approach back then was wrong even if it was with good intentions, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying altogether and just wait for changkyun to come to you on his own terms."

"i was trying to give him the space he needed. he didn't like talking about the things that made him sad and i didn't want to upset him."

"kihyun-ah, no one wants to talk about what makes them sad and it's completely normal, i understand, but you have to look at changkyun's perspective. like you told me, changkyun gets bullied and he doesn't have the best relationship with his parents. he didn't have friends he could confide in, he had parents that traumatized him and even if he had minhyuk and shownu by his side, it seems like he didn't want to weigh on another burden on their shoulders by piling on his problems."

"but he has me," kihyun says so softly, so broken.

"even if you are his boyfriend, you shouldn't assume that this would suddenly make it easier for him to come to you with his problems. think about it, if he couldn't even go to his own brother with the simplest problems, what makes you think he will easily confide in someone he has only known for barely a year?"

kihyun stays silent.

"changkyun is so used to keeping things to himself that the idea of opening up to someone is foreign. it's always easier to say ' _you're fine'_ and brush it off with a smile than to dwell on what's upsetting you because then it would mean that you will have to break down your walls and let your guard down for people to truly understand. and for someone who has been hurt too many times, it's hard for them to break down those walls."

kihyun fiddles with his fingers, gaze didn't meet those of his mother whom he knows is anything but intimidating, yet he felt so shameful of himself. he felt foolish amongst other things.

"i have to say this, even when you know it and even if you need something nice to hear," mrs yoo says.

kihyun nods silently.

"even if changkyun said some things that must've upset you, you shouldn't have told him to _leave_."

kihyun snaps his head up at this.

"y—you can't expect me to _not_ get angry when he keeps saying i don't care for him or that all i have been doing for him was out of guilt and that it's not genuine at all," kihyun defenses. "you know very well how much i cherish changkyun. i would bend over backward for him," kihyun says, sounding defeated at this point.

"you're right, i don't expect you to be calm about it but i also don't expect changkyun to be thanking you profusely for caring for him so much." kihyun's frown only deepens when he hears his mother say that. "i can't imagine changkyun being so open in accepting all the affection he is getting when most people around him haven't exactly been the kindest. his words may be hurtful, but you should've never told him to leave, not when he needed someone the most."

"fuck!" kihyun curses out as he runs his palms over his face over and over again before dishevelling his hair and pulling it in frustration. his mother gives him a pointed look at her son who had just cursed out loud in public but she lets it slide this time. instead, she lets out a heavy sigh and pulls her chair closer to kihyun, bringing her hand back to his back and rubs it slowly.

god, kihyun really hates himself now.

"kihyun-ah," mrs yoo calls softly. "kihyun-ah, sweetheart, look at me." kihyun reluctantly lifts his head up to look at his mother. "you should know that it's not your fault. stop guilt-tripping yourself because you couldn't have done anything if changkyun has already made up his mind."

"but—but i could've stopped him. i could've talked him out of it properly. i could've—fuck, if i hadn't told him to leave i could've—i could've—"

"shh~" his mother cooes, shushing kihyun quietly and trying to calm her son down.

"changkyun didn't do what he did because of that one argument you guys had or because you told him to leave. this is the result of years of emotional and psychological abuse. he didn't know any other way to cope with everything that was going on around him. you might question why even when he has had so many happy days. for him, whenever something good happens in his life it is always overshadowed by the bad and so he conditioned himself to believe that nothing good ever lasts for him. he felt trapped, kihyun-ah, and so he thinks that the only way to stop it is to end it all. so it's not your fault, okay?"

kihyun reluctantly nods.

"he needs help, kihyun-ah—professional help, but it's only possible if he wants to get help willingly."

"i—i don't know what to do anymore..." kihyun whimpers. "everything i've done so far only made it worse for changkyun."

"what did i say about guilt-tripping yourself?"

"it's true!"

"don't let this incident overshadow all the good that you've done for him," his mother says with a kind smile graced on her lips. "even if changkyun finds it hard to fully accept the good in his life. think about the times you made him smile, the moments you both laugh, moments when you care and protect him. even if changkyun finds it hard to open up to you, somehow he always feels safe with you. you may have brought unintentionally pain to him but above all, you've given him so much happiness. kihyun-ah, you are good for him, you just have to learn how to control your temper."

kihyun wipes another stray tear from his cheek with the back of his hand and sniffles. he wants to believe his mother's words, he wants to believe that even when he did hurt changkyun, he brought some happiness to his life too.

now he wills himself to be better, he will try to be for changkyun's sake.

mrs yoo opens her arms and kihyun stares at her for a moment. normally he would cringe away and give a snarky comment about his mother being overly affectionate (even if that is her nature), but today, he really needed a hug. so, kihyun leans forwards and enters his mother's embrace where she immediately envelopes him safely. kihyun relaxes in her arms as he basks in her comfort.

mrs yoo plants a few tender kisses on top of kihyun's head and he just sighs in content. he can't exactly remember the last time he had hugged his mother like this.

"why don't you go back to being a therapist, mom?" kihyun asks as they pull away from the hug.

"i like working with kids," his mother simply replies. "besides, i get to spend more time with you and your father."

kihyun looks at the fond smile on her lips when talking about him and his father and his heart warms. he is really lucky to have such loving and caring parents that he had failed to see all this while. he has parents who still love him unconditionally despite how horrible he is as a son.

"i—i should probably go back to changkyun. are you coming to see changkyun?"

"i have to go back and prepare dinner for your father. your father and i will be sure to come tomorrow right after our work." kihyun nods. "call me if you or changkyun need anything, okay?"

"i will," kihyun says and as he is about to reverse to go, mrs yoo holds onto one of the wheels to stop him.

"uh-uh not until you finish this sandwich and juice, mister," mrs yoo warns playfully. kihyun obediently nods and quickly stuffs the remaining sandwich into his mouth and down the glass of untouched orange juice.

kihyun and his mother exchange goodbyes and then he wastes no time to head back to changkyun's ward.

just as he is about to open the door, minhyuk opens the door from the other end with his eyes open wide.

"he's awake!" minhyuk splutters to him and kihyun's mouth gapes open.

"he—he is?"

"yes!" minhyuk exclaims, hearing the utter relief in his voice. "listen, can you stay with him now? i need to go get his doctor. shownu is on his way from work now. i'll be back real soon," minhyuk hastily tells him. kihyun can only manage to nod before minhyuk disappears down the hallway.

kihyun quickly enters the ward and wheels himself closer to changkyun. he hears the heart monitor, changkyun's heart monitor has a much faster pace now than when he was unconscious. he sees the boy sitting up against the hospital bed, head turned away from him as he watches the sky blankly.

"ch—changkyun," kihyun stutters out once he reaches the side of the younger's bed. changkyun doesn't flinch nor does he give an instant reply.

kihyun didn't say more, more like he didn't know what else to say. he had so much scripted in his head hours before like how he would hug the younger and profusely apologise, shower him with relief kisses, and just pour out his heart. but now, he sits dumbfounded right beside changkyun who still hasn't turned to look at him.

the room is so eerily silent with only the company of changkyun's heart monitor. the silence is starting to get deafening and kihyun thinks he might go mad with only having to hear the heart monitor for so long.. kihyun is about to reach his hand forward, ones he notices are trembling for some reason, when changkyun—finally— turns his head to look at kihyun.

but the sight isn't what he expected at all.

changkyun's eyes look so sad. the whites of his eyes are slightly pinkish and kihyun can see the thick, hot tears clinging desperately onto changkyun's lash line as they threaten to fall at any moment. that's when he sees the younger's chapped lips are now trembling as though he is trying to keep himself together.

the sight itself breaks kihyun's heart all over.

kihyun wants to speak up, he thinks he finally found a coherent sentence, but changkyun beats him to it, again.

"why—why did you save me, kihyun?" changkyun whimpers out so brokenly as a tear betrays his eyes. 


	83. Chapter 83

“why —why did you save me, kihyun?”

kihyun is dumbfounded to say the least. whatever he was planning to say just evaporates into nothingness as he stares incredulously at the younger in front of him like a literal idiot. 

“changkyun—”

“i’m sorry if you were expecting some kind of gratitude for saving me in time but i don’t exactly feel thankful right now,” changkyun speaks as he picks on the bandage around his arm, sounding so mindless when really it’s the simple truth derived from his raw emotions.

changkyun doesn’t feel any sort of relief or even appreciation that kihyun had come just  _ in time  _ to save him. if anything changkyun wonders  _ why  _ didn’t he die right then and there; was his method not efficient enough? should he have chosen a much brutal—very effective— method to end his life? should he have locked his room door so that by the time someone enters it would’ve been too late?

he didn’t thank anyone or whatever god resides above him when he regained consciousness to find himself still  _ alive _ , breathing, living, unfortunately. changkyun feels even more dreadful than ever to be alive. 

“why do you like poking your nose in places you're not meant to be,” changkyun says now, irritation very much evident in his voice.

“excuse me?” kihyun says, finally finding his voice but he isn’t a bit amused with what he just heard changkyun said. “i’m your  _ boyfriend _ , changkyun. your wellbeing concerns me very much in case that isn’t clear for you,” kihyun answers with his teeth gritted to prevent himself to let his emotions get the best of him  _ again _ . 

“you know, there was a point in my life where i thought, life isn’t so bad, maybe —maybe things will get better,” changkyun says. “but i’m so tired, kihyun,” changkyun utters with his eyes pleading for him to let go. “i was so foolish to think my life will be getting any better and holding on for so long is tiring. i can’t—i can’t stay strong, not anymore.”

“then lean on someone,” kihyun tells him, approaching the boy closer. “lean on minhyuk or shownu or—or lean on me… you’re not alone, you have us.”

“maybe i don’t want to,” changkyun retorts. “living will only be a burden to everyone around me. don’t you see all that i put you all through? when i’m gone none of this will happen again, you won’t have to worry unnecessarily about someone like me. everyone will be so much happier when i go.”

“who are you to decide that?” kihyun snaps back as he grips onto the wheels of the wheelchair tighter, suppressing the bubbling emotions within him. “who are you to say that—that we will be happier without you?”

“it’s the truth…” changkyun trials off. 

“it isn’t —not even fucking close.”

“oh? you’re so  _ fucking  _ sure,” changkyun spits, almost sounds mocking in this sense. “what? your feelings are so strong that you are so certain you will forever be happy with someone like me, is that it?”

“yes,” kihyun answers sharply without the slightest hesitation. 

kihyun isn’t lying. the wheelchaired male is so sure about his answer because he is living proof right here right now of how his life—of how  _ he _ —has changed since he had met changkyun. kihyun dislikes changes, especially when done to him, but kihyun likes this change, he likes the person he is around changkyun. changkyun brought out a side he didn’t know existed. and it is changkyun who made him see the whole world around him differently than the normal conventional black and white he sees every day. 

so, yes, kihyun is so tremendously happy to have changkyun by his side. 

“don’t get ahead of yourself,” changkyun says accompanied by a bitter scoff. he turns away from kihyun, seeing how pointless this conversation was getting. changkyun is simply tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally, the last thing he needs is some bogus words being thrown at him. 

"i love you, changkyun.” 

changkyun hears this and almost instantly his head snaps back, eyes wide open in disbelief hearing these words from kihyun. 

“wh —what?” the boy utters in a mere whisper. his lips are quivering and his eyes are trembling as tears fill up to the brim in his tired eyes. he couldn’t take the stab in his heart hearing these words—words he truly believed would never be said to him in such a heartfelt way. 

“i love you, changkyun,” kihyun repeats, firmer, much louder this time. but changkyun shakes his head adamantly as a few tears stream down his pale cheeks. 

“no…” changkyun whimpers in a complete daze of disbelief. 

_ this can’t be true _ , changkyun thinks. it is surreal—too fucking surreal for changkyun to even properly grasp this reality that’s solidly real right in front of his eyes. liking him and getting a boyfriend was one thing, though it seemed impossible the younger didn’t think it was too far-fetched thinking that this thing—whatever it is they have—will just be temporary, that kihyun will eventually find everything wrong with changkyun and leave him. that was the scenario changkyun was waiting for, the one that his wretched heart was dreading for and so he never would have thought anyone, let alone kihyun, to confess that they  _ love  _ him. 

to hear that someone loves him, like really actually love him—changkyun must’ve really lost it now.

“changkyun, i love you. i love everything about you and you —you make me so happy. can’t you see how happy you’ve made me all this while?”

what hurts kihyun even more is to hear changkyun laughing so humorlessly as more tears stream down, tinting his pale cheeks a light pink now. kihyun can feel the bitterness pricking his skin from the younger’s laugh.

"people really do take me as a joke, huh,” changkyun says with another humourless chuckle. the younger tries wiping away his tears but fresh ones always come trailing down again, replacing the old ones. 

"changkyun , i’m not lying, " kihyun tells him sadly.

"no, you are!" changkyun screams. "why are you lying to me like this, kihyun? i get that i’m a joke to everyone but i —i have feelings too. why—why can’t anyone understand that i hurt  _ too _ ? "

kihyun’s knuckles turn white from how hard he is clenching onto the wheels.

"you think i would joke about my emotions like that?" kihyun asks, his own irritation bubbling. he didn’t want to raise his voice again but he couldn’t help himself, not when his own feelings are being discarded to simply nothing by the one he loves. 

"you don't love me. nobody —n obody can love me."

"no that's not true. i love you. i love you so dearly," kihyun tells him so desperately.

"this isn’t funny, kihyun!" changkyun spits harshly, bloodshot eyes hardening as he glares at kihyun. 

the urge to yell at the younger is strong —not to yell out of anger, but out of sheer frustration and sadness. but he doesn’t, thankfully. 

kihyun closes his burning eyes momentarily, his eyes trembling with the will for his own tears to fall and when he opens them two thick tears betray him down his cheeks and he doesn't bother to wipe them away knowing it’ll be useless. 

"stop thinking so lowly of me. i —i may not be the nicest person but i will not lie to someone about loving them just to make them feel better. i will never stoop that low and hurt someone like that.”

and just like that kihyun turns around and wheels himself out of changkyun’s room. he knew that if he stayed there any longer with all these eruptive emotions waiting to burst within him then he might say something he’ll regret again. he didn’t want to take that chance and so leaving right now is his best option, at least until he cools off. 

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

kihyun has been sitting near one of the flower beds at the hospital’s garden. he doesn't know exactly how long he has been here but he assumes it must’ve been long considering the sun is already setting when he finally lifts his gaze away from the flowers and to the sky above him. 

the sky today is painted with the mixtures of violet and cobalt blue with a slight undertone of orange. kihyun exchales out heavily as he basks in this nature. without many patients or staff lingering around the garden at this hour, it is quiet —perhaps a little too quiet for kihyun’s liking because then it is easy for his wandering to fleet to moments he hadn’t thought of for so long but missed so deeply. 

the quiet dusk and painted sky has kihyun suddenly missing changkyun—the same quiet, timid changkyun who had grown warm towards him with his constant babble about nature and the solar system. the same changkyun that always has some sort of random fact to share with him every day. the changkyun that is—was—his  _ little astronomer _ . 

if he had changkyun with him now, most probably sitting on his lap, while they both watch the sunset, he knows that the boy will compliment the scenic sky and he would probably whip out his camera (or maybe even the camera kihyun bought him) to take picture of the nature not many truly appreciate. and kihyun would wrap his arms securely on the boy so that he wouldn’t fall while the younger would excitedly go on and on about the nature, spluttering facts kihyun never heard of before; even if the facts are indeed interesting, it is the enthusiasm in the younger’s voice that makes kihyun want to hear him more. 

he misses  _ that _ . 

he misses those precious moments with the younger that he had certainly taken for granted back then. 

“so you’ve been here the whole time?” minhyuk asks to which kihyun jumps in his wheelchair. he turns to his side to see the other male giving him a small smile as he takes a seat by the bench beside his wheelchair. 

kihyun nods. 

“i needed some air,” kihyun replies tersely. minhyuk leans back against the bench and looks up to the sky as well, enjoying the peace the hospital’s garden has to offer for a moment. “where’s shownu hyung?”

“he’s with changkyun in his ward.” kihyun’s heart squeezes hearing changkyun’s name but he nods nonetheless.. “how — how’s changkyun doing?” kihyun asks meekly, seeming reluctant. minhyuk is  _ calm _ —much calmer than when changkyun was unconscious—and he isn’t sure if minhyuk is aware of their conversation and if he is he doesn’t exactly know if being  _ this  _ calm is a reaction he would expect from minhyuk. 

“why don’t you come and see him for yourself?” minhyuk nonchalantly tells him. 

“i don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“i know something happened,” minhyuk says and kihyun head instantly snaps to look at minhyuk. but kihyun is confused as to why minhyuk is  _ this  _ calm. shouldn’t the male be yelling at him, even if he didn’t know the context, shouldn’t minhyuk be screaming his head off for upsetting changkyun who had just woken up not too long ago?

yet minhyuk is looking at him, the small smile still there and this time it is infused with commiseration. 

“changkyun may not tell me what happened but i figured something must’ve happened from the way his eyes were red and his cheeks were wet. and you weren’t there when i came back with the doctor or hours after that so i put two and two together.”

“why are you here then? shouldn’t you be cursing at me right now for upsetting changkyun?”

“aren’t  _ you  _ upset right now?” minhyuk counters. 

“i am but —”

“then i don’t see the need to curse you—unless you really did something stupid to intentially upset changkyun, but i don’t think you did because you have enough braincells to think after what you did last time.”

kihyun drops his head out of shame, thinking back of his past mistake. 

minhyuk lets out a sigh.

“your intentions are good, kihyun,” minhyuk tells him after a while. “i mean, despite what you’ve done to changkyun before, i've seen how much you care for him and believe it or not, you did help with his recovery before which i’m thankful for. as much as i didn’t want it to be true i knew i couldn’t keep denying how important you are in changkyun’s life.”

“he doesn’t even want to look at me now,” kihyun says with heavy dejection. 

“why would you think that?” minhyuk asks gently. 

“i —” kihyun stops, hesitating for a moment if he should really say anything further. 

“go on,” minhyuk encourages. “i’m just trying to understand what happened between you two.”

“i—well—i told changkyun i love him,” kihyun finally says and he was waiting for another outburst from the other but instead minhyuk smiles a little wider and nods his head in understanding. it did baffle kihyun in a way because he certainly had not expected such a reaction from the other.

“shouldn’t—shouldn’t you be furious?” kihyun asks, utterly confused.

“i knew you loved him,” minhyuk simply says. kihyun stares at him incredulously. “and even if i were to confront you when i knew—or at least had my suspicions— it wouldn't have stopped you from loving changkyun anyways. okay, back to what you were saying, you told him you love him.”

kihyun quickly recomposes himself and hums, nodding slightly. “but i probably shouldn’t have done that…”

“and what’s so wrong with confessing your love?”

“he — he thinks it's a joke.” kihyun sighs heavily. “it wasn’t the right time. i let my emotions get the best of me again and ruined it.”

“maybe it wasn’t the right time,” minhyuk asserts. “or maybe it is because changkyun needed to finally hear someone say it besides me,” minhyuk says. kihyun frowns, unsure with how to go about this.

“i’m sure changkyun wasn’t exactly happy with your confession.” kihyun replies with a small  _ ‘yea’ _ . “changkyun reacted the way he did because all these years he truly believed that no one could love him or that if someone were to love him then it would be out of his own efforts of  _ persuasion _ ,” minhyuk clarifies. 

“you see, kihyun, changkyun take experiences he’s learnt his whole life when facing situations he isn’t familiar with. like  _ love _ , changkyun has never been in a relationship before, i’m sure you know that.” 

kihyun nods mutely. 

“he isn’t sure what love really is. the only times he’s tried to get close to knowing what love is is with our parents and you also know that they never loved him, so he didn’t receive any from them growing up and even now. changkyun thinks that by trying  _ extra  _ hard to impress our parents it would change their hearts to finally love him the way they love me — that’s the kind of love changkyun knows. even if he did witness love in different ways around him he couldn’t properly grasp that because it was so unfamiliar to him. all his life people had ridiculed him and taunted him into believing that he needs to earn love in order to be loved at all.”

“but —” kihyun cuts him off. “but even if your parents didn’t love him, he had you. you loved him way before i did.”

that’s when kihyun sees the sadness seeping through minhyuk’s smile.

“there are moments that i truly do regret in my life, one of them was when i completely ignored whatever suffering changkyun was going through.” kihyun didn’t know how to feel hearing this. 

“at first i was completely blinded by my parents' mistreatment towards changkyun because of the unconditional love they showered me. i always thought that if changkyun would just pick up his slack, you know, be a good son like i was then maybe our parents wouldn't scold him or hit him as much. but i realised a little too late that it was never changkyun’s fault for angering our parents, it was them who were simply finding fault to blame it on him. and that was also around the time where i found out about the bullying he was experiencing in school. i knew i couldn’t help him much but the least i could do—or start with— was to bring him out of that toxic household and so i moved us out as soon as i got my first paycheck,” minhyuk explains. 

“yes, changkyun knows i love him but he thinks i’m doing it out of pity and i don’t blame him. there were nights where he would come and cry to me but i was so full of myself back then that i kept dismissing him, thinking he was some brat that wanted attention. so i don’t blame him for thinking that i only love him out of pity or because he is my brother and so i’m obliged to when in fact he is such a wonderful person that i had failed to realise all these years. i really love changkyun and i know i’ve failed him so many times as his older brother.”

minhyuk lets out a heavy sigh. 

“i sound pretty hypocritical right now, don’t i, for yelling at you that other time?” minhyuk questions rhetorically with a dry snicker.

“i guess… but i understand why you told me off. i deserved it anyways. i hurt him badly and you just wanted to protect your little brother that you couldn’t all the years before.”

“yea…” minhyuk says. “so you see,  changkyun bases the concept of love out of all that. so, when you suddenly tell him that you love him, of course, he thinks you’re joking or even lying because he must be wondering  _ ‘why’ _ and even  _ ‘how’ _ . he wonders what he had done to make you love him when really it’s so easy to love changkyun.” 

“it is...” kihyun says softly with a smile because minhyuk is right; it is so easy to fall in love with changkyun from all the small things he does. if only people would be a little more open to see what the younger boy could offer than to judge him point blank for the insecurities or shortcomings that he has. 

“i really do love him.”

“just give him time,” minhyuk reassures him. 

“i think it’s best if i don’t visit changkyun anymore, at least not while he’s still in the hospital.”

minhyuk didn’t argue with him on that. 

the both of them ended up going back into the hospital when the sun completely set. minhyuk enters changkyun’s ward first while kihyun waits outside, hesitating if he should see changkyun one last time at the hospital. 

after much contemplation, he decides to go in.

changkyun has been given sleeping pills tonight to help him sleep better. kihyun sees minhyuk in shownu’s arms on the small smile in the corner. minhyuk and shownu instinctively stop their conversation and look at kihyun who is wheeling himself beside the sleeping boy. 

kihyun looks at changkyun briefly before looking up at the married couple and they give him a small smile, nodding their heads in a sort of approving manner before they resume back to their own conversation quietly. 

kihyun takes changkyun’s hand in his. his eyes look over at the bandages on his arm sadly and he leans in to place soft kisses on them. he intertwines their fingers together and brings the palm up to his lips, planting soft kisses there as well with his eyes burning once more. 

“goodnight, baby… i love you,” kihyun whispers as his heart throbs for the sleeping boy.


	84. Chapter 84

the nurse had just left once she changed changkyun’s bandage on his arm. the younger boy leans back against his hospital that has been reclined just enough for him to rest his head and watch the flip down tv mount.

changkyun turns his head to the left where shownu sits on the small couch with his laptop on his lap, presumably doing his work since shownu had just come here straight from work. changkyun then turns his head the other way to see his brother talking to the nurse that changed his bandage. not too long after minhyuk thanks the nurse and walks over to changkyun with a small smile.

“how are you feeling?” minhyuk asks as he sits next to changkyun on his hospital bed. he circles one of his arms around changkyun’s shoulder and helps him lean against his shoulder where the younger complies silently.

“i hate this place,” changkyun mumbles. “when can i leave?”

“the doctor said you’ll be discharged tomorrow. you’ll get to go home soon, baby,” minhyuk tells him, tone filled with slight optimism.

changkyun just nods, snuggling closer to minhyuk. minhyuk gently cards his hand through the younger’s hair, watching as his little brother’s eyelids close and a content sigh leaves his lips. minhyuk can’t help but shift his gaze from changkyun’s gaze to the younger’s newly bandaged wrist to which his heart sinks once more.

he knew he was already doing a horrible job at being the parent figure changkyun needs but minhyuk couldn’t exactly go to their actual parents for help or even advice when he knows that the only solution they will offer would be to simply discard changkyun who is a burden (as said many times by their own parents) and of course minhyuk would never do that because changkyun isn’t a burden, not even the least bit. and so minhyuk feels lost more than anything. he didn’t know how to properly juggle the stress from work, the need to provide enough for changkyun as the younger is always his main priority, and the uncertainty of how to properly approach changkyun when he is so closed off emotionally.

minhyuk feels so overwhelmed at times with the need and the want to provide the best and only the best for changkyun after neglecting his cry for help for so many years. the guilt has stuck with him from the moment he truly realized what changkyun was going through. it is the same guilt that pushed minhyuk to get a house for only changkyun and he. he knew that several damages had been done but he hoped that moving out of that toxic household would be the first step he should take—could take.

sometimes minhyuk would ask changkyun when doing anything especially when it does concern changkyun because he didn’t want to overwhelm the younger with such huge changes like moving to a different school to tackle the bullying matter or to go see a therapist to tackle his unstable emotions (and now suicidal thoughts). but every one of the answers usually comes as _‘no_ ’ and when minhyuk tries to push the younger a little to explain why he suggests such things it instantly causes changkyun to close off.

minhyuk wants changkyun to live a peaceful life but it seems like all his attempts of trying to help the younger boy fails miserably coming back as a slap to his face for all those wasted years where he could’ve done something to prevent such drastic extend to come; sitting in a hospital bed, changkyun’s hospital bed, after his brother tried attempting suicide.

minhyuk feels like he failed as a responsible guardian for changkyun. even if people tell him that he’s done all he could but that answer alone doesn’t reassure him because he knows he could've done much better than ‘all he could’.

“hyung,” changkyun calls softly, bringing minhyuk out of his guilt-filled daze. minhyuk looks down at changkyun who opens his eyes and looks up at his brother. minhyuk offers him a soft smile.

“yea?”

“how did you and shownu hyung meet?” changkyun asks out of nowhere.

“that is a rather random question, changkyunnie,” minhyuk snickers as his gaze instinctively lifts to look at his husband. shownu looks up from his laptop upon hearing changkyun’s question and flushes red at the memory of how he and minhyuk met.

changkyun just shrugs.

“i realized i never really asked that before.”

“well, we shall save that storytime for another day, okay?”

reluctantly, changkyun nods.

“can i—um—can i ask one more thing?”

“you can ask me anything except sex because i’m sure you don’t want me going into detail about—”

“oh my god!” the younger exclaims in utter embarrassment, cheeks tinted in a deep shade of red and changkyun can already feel the tips of his ears heating up. “hyung—i—” changkyun groans then hits minhyuk’s arm while minhyuk laughs out loud. “i—oh god! i wasn’t going to ask about s—s—sex…”

“just making sure,” minhyuk says then winks.

changkyun groans another time when he hears shownu chuckling the other side.

“shownu hyung don’t laugh~” changkyun whines adorably, hiding his tomato face into his palms. shownu mutters a soft _‘sorry’_ but really can’t help how adorable and innocently changkyun reacted to minhyuk’s statement about sex talk.

“okay, what is it you wanted to ask?” minhyuk coaxes, slowly prying the younger’s hands away from his face to reveal a cute scowl. “my adorable baby~” minhyuk claims, lightly pinching changkyun’s cheek.

changkyun rolls his eyes before leaning back against minhyuk like before, getting comfortable with the warm comfort he is getting.

“when you brought shownu hyung home for the first time to meet mom and dad, did you already love him?”

minhyuk’s smile widens from the memory resurfacing. he remembers it clearly, the first time he brought shownu home to meet his parents was a few days after they confessed that they loved each other.

minhyuk hums, meaning _‘yes’_ he did already love shownu then.

“and—and shownu hyung?” changkyun questions meekly.

“i loved him too,” shownu answers, walking over to the other side of changkyun’s bed and sits next to him like minhyuk did. “and i love him more every day.” this time it's minhyuk who flushes completely red from this outspoken confession. it is not every day that shownu says it out loud for others to hear but when he does it always causes minhyuk’s stomach to flutter and his chest to bubble up in warmth.

“how did you both know that you love each other?”

“hm~ when we smile when the other is smiling or when we feel sad when the other is sad too. when your day just becomes infinitely better when you get to next to them, in their arms, kissing them and just waste your hours with each other’s company but you don’t mind it because it is priceless those moments,” minhyuk explains his perspective of love.

“when your heart beats slightly faster when you’re around them,” shownu adds, a smile playing on his lips as he describes what he feels whenever he is around minhyuk. “you just want to spend every waking moment with them and just the thought of not being together hurts so much.”

changkyun stays silent for a moment, head so full with his own bombarding thoughts. minhyuk and shownu don’t pressure him to say anything because they know where this is headed, so they give the younger time.

“don’t—don’t you have to be good enough for that person to love you?” changkyun asks now, sounding unsure at this point.

“i suppose you’re right but it’s not the way you think it is,” minhyuk tells him. “you don’t have to try so hard to make someone fall in love with you. when they love you it is because they think _you_ are already enough just the way you are, not because you worked extra hard to gain their affection.”

now changkyun frowns with genuine confusion. everything he thought he knew about love isn’t what is being described by both minhyuk and shownu.

looking at the perspective described by both minhyuk and shownu, even if it did make sense, it still feels odd. somehow changkyun couldn’t wrap his head around this properly.

changkyun wonders why someone would fall in love with another _genuinely_ for who they are without having done much persuasion. how does that even work? is it even possible to love someone for _merely_ who they are?

“kihyun—kihyun told me he—he loves me,” changkyun says so softly, the words tasting foreign in his mouth especially after incorporating the newfound meaning of what love is.

“what’s with that frown on your face then?” minhyuk queries.

“it doesn’t make sense,” changkyun says with full honesty, frown deepening even more.

“what doesn’t make sense, changkyunnie?”

“that kihyun loves me,” changkyun says, thinking this one sentence alone would clarify all their confusions. “he‘s lying isn’t he, hyung? that’s the only thing i can think of.”

“why do you think that?”

“because—because—” changkyun tries to give a solid reason but nothing really comes to mind. kihyun hasn’t given him a reason before to not trust his words. if changkyun knows that kihyun isn’t lying about his feelings, why couldn’t his heart, who had been pining for someone to love him, accept it when someone finally does love him?

could it be that the given situation did not align well with that changkyun always thought was love? or is it that whatever concept of love told by minhyuk and shownu did not seem plausible in changkyun’s case?

“tell me, changkyun-ah, do _you_ love kihyun?” shownu asks.

“hyung—i—i don’t know what love really feels like,” changkyun tells them shamefully. “i mean i’ve—i’ve seen it in movies and—and i’ve seen the way you both love each other and i thought i had it all figured out. i thought—i thought i knew what love was and i thought i was bad at it because people still hated me, because mom and dad hated me no matter what i did but then—but then you tell me all these things, and then kihyun tells me he loves me, i just— i don’t—”

“shh~” minhyuk calms him from his overwhelming rambles. “baby, kihyun isn’t like our parents. their love is all different.”

“but why?” changkyun questions desperately, lost and confused more than ever. “why does he love me? what does he see in a person like _me_? what did i do, hyung? i don’t understand!”

“because he sees what others and our parents couldn’t. he sees what an amazing, kind, and strong person you are. he admires your ability to make him smile all the time and he also admires you as an individual.”

 _‘you make me so happy. can’t you see how happy you’ve made me all this while?’_ the words of the wheel-chaired male from a few days ago replays in his head.

“changkyun, love just happens. you can’t exactly stop yourself from falling in love with someone, sometimes it just happens without you realizing until later on,” shownu asserts with his own hand now resting on the younger’s back as he rubs it with comfort. “there’s no condition or price or even a set rule of things you should do to make someone fall in love with you. sure people can fall for your looks or your body but those are all temporary and it’s conditional. but when someone falls for _you_ , for _your_ heart, that’s genuine because they see who you really are underneath all those masks you wear and all those walls you build to protect yourself.”

maybe changkyun does understand a little more now. yet he is still confused as to what kihyun really sees in him to make the older fall in love with him.

changkyun can’t exactly say he is kind, he is naive and a little too innocent than he needs to be. changkyun can’t exactly say he is strong, if he was he wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital with tight surveillance with a worried brother and a brother-in-law and a bandaged arm. changkyun can’t exactly say he makes kihyun smile when the older has known so many sad and bad days with changkyun’s unstable emotions.

“what did you say when he confessed to you?”

“i—i yelled at him…” changkyun utters guiltily. “i—i told him that he was lying to me. i shouldn’t have said that. i—”

“changkyunnie, calm down,” minhyuk says when the younger starts rambling once more.

“kihyun hates me now,” changkyun mumbles.

“what did he say when you said all those things to him?”

“he—he was clearly upset and—and he told me he would never stoop so low to lie to me like that…”

“that’s because he’s telling the truth. kihyun really does love you,” minhyuk tells him. changkyun’s eyes widen as if hearing it from someone other than kihyun is whole other news. it doesn’t open changkyun’s eyes to understand what kihyun feels towards him, but it does make it seem much more surreal than it felt before.

“kihyun told me too that he loves you but shownu and i already suspected way before he said anything.”

“but i didn’t realize—”

“it’s funny isn’t it how sometimes we are so vigilant of other people’s feelings towards another yet so oblivious when it comes to ours?” changkyun gives a small nod because he supposes that minhyuk is right; changkyun was so oblivious at the fact that kihyun had loved him for so long and he didn’t even realize it until he confessed.

“kihyun doesn’t hate you, he is just hurt by what you said.”

“why am i like this…” changkyun whispers. “i don’t even know if i love him! kihyun deserves someone so much better, someone who knows how to love him, someone who isn’t so broken like me.”

“no one is asking you to love him back, changkyun-ah,” shownu reassures him gently, seeing how worked up changkyun is by this.

“but—but doesn’t unrequited love hurt?”

“it does,” shownu confirms with a slight nod. “but it hurts more when that unrequited love is belittled. having an unrequited love is one thing but having the person you love ridicule your love for them is a whole other pain. it makes them feel like their love isn’t worth anything all these while.”

“i—i really did hurt him, didn’t i?”

just then changkyun hears his phone chime. “hyung—” shownu already passes his phone to changkyun. the younger thanks him and opens the message that could only ever be from one person.

changkyun reads the few messages sent and can’t help but smile _sadly_.

"it must be kihyun, huh," minhyuk says, seeing the small smile on changkyun's lips.

changkyun nods.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

kihyun lets out a tired groan as he leans back on the car seat after strapping in the seatbelt.

"how was it today?" mrs yoo asks as she drives away from the therapy center. kihyun lets out a heavy sigh of what can only be described as dejection and confliction.

"why is it so hard..." kihyun says sadly.

“aw sweetheart.” mrs yoo reaches over to squeeze kihyun’s closest hand. “it may seem that way now but as you keep trying and keep practicing, you’ll improve and get so much better,” mrs yoo tells him.

“i know…” kihyun sighs another time. “but sometimes the thought of quitting is so much easier, you know?” mrs yoo nods understandingly.

“but when those thoughts do come, think about why you started in the first place.”

 _changkyun._ almost instantly, kihyun thinks. he started all this because of changkyun and he will continue for changkyun.

“how is changkyun doing?” mrs yoo now asks.

“minhyuk told me he’ll be discharged tomorrow.”

“will you see him then?”

“i—i don’t know. i don’t exactly know how to approach him.”

“i know you want to give him space but don’t prolong this for too long. you both need to sit down and really talk this through and not just let the tension cold off and act like nothing has happened.”

kihyun nods, completely agreeing with his mother. he and changkyun do need to talk, even when it seems daunting altogether.

kihyun takes out his phone and sees a few messages from his friends and some from random group chats for his classes. he ignores all that for now and clicks on changkyun’s contact. his fingers hover hesitantly over the keypad, debating if he should at least send a text or two.

finally, he gives in to his reluctance and his fingers dance over the keypad before he presses send. even if changkyun doesn’t reply to his messages it’s good enough to know that he reads them.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

** Changkyun❤ **

Kihyun:  
hey  
 _Delivered✔✔, 17:56  
_ _Read✔✔, 18:05_

minhyuk told me you’ll be discharged tomorrow which is great!   
_Delivered✔✔, 17:54  
Read✔✔, 18:05_

_i just wanted to say that i miss you  
_ _and i hope you’re doing okay…  
Delivered✔✔, 17:59  
_ _Read✔✔, 18:05_

don’t skip your dinner, okay?  
take care❤  
 _Delivered✔✔, 18:03  
_ _Read✔✔, 18:05_


	85. Chapter 85

it seems like deja vu almost, waiting in front of minhyuk’s doorstep for anyone to open the door. he remembers the last time he did this, his palms were sweating and his heart was racing, but more than anything he had the anxiety of not knowing what to expect from both minhyuk and changkyun’s standpoint. 

maybe what made it slightly better now is minhyuk giving him a kind smile when he opens the door to let him in. the older male steps aside to let kihyun wheel himself in.

“hey,” minhyuk greets first this time.

“hey…” kihyun trails off. “how —how has changkyun been?” kihyun asks softly, unsure if he would like to hear the answer especially if it is one he isn’t so keen on hearing. but he is concerned about the younger and he would like to get some sense of how changkyun is doing before approaching him. 

“he’s been in his room for the most part unless when it’s meal time then he comes out to eat with shownu and i,” minhyuk tells him. “he doesn’t really talk much—i mean, he’s not as closed off as the last time—but i can tell he is emotionally withdrawing himself from us.” 

“i’m scared,” kihyun admits. there is already a voice at the back of his mind, telling him, reminding him to not fuck it up anymore than he already has. now, kihyun’s afraid of saying anything that will unintentionally trigger the younger or he is afraid that he  _ doesn’t  _ say enough to console the younger. 

minhyuk smiles sadly at him because right now he understands what kihyun is going through. minhyuk himself, even shownu, are afraid that they won’t be able to do enough for changkyun to make him realise that he isn’t alone, that there are people who truly love him. 

“i am too,” minhyuk says. “but if we just sit around and keep changkyun as sheltered as possible from any of our actions and words, it wouldn’t help him either. sometimes he needs to hear words that may seem bitter but really it’s filled with good intentions.”

“what if he runs away or completely shuts us out?”

“then we will keep reminding him, and show him that  _ we  _ love him. it will be hard especially when he chooses to shut us out but that is the time when he will need us the most.”

kihyun nods, taking the older's words to heart. 

the mistake he has done before was giving changkyun the “space” he thought he needed when really he should’ve intervened, if not fully at least partially. he had thought that after that one time changkyun got upset with him for reading his journal entries—letters— that he had gotten the whole concept of “helping changkyun out’ wrong. 

it is wrong, don’t get him wrong, the  _ going through his private thoughts without permissio _ n, but kihyun had thought that he should  _ probably  _ wait for changkyun to warm up a little more with him, for the younger to get a little more comfortable with sharing his darkest thoughts. but kihyun never realised how changkyun was so used to masking or pushing aside his feelings (mostly with a bright smile) that even the closest people he got to still wouldn’t know the younger’s murky soul slithering with demons. 

and kihyun had also made the mistake of assuming that changkyun would  _ miraculously  _ be so open to sharing everything with him once they were officially a couple. even if the basis of a relationship is that the partner shares whatever they are feeling with each other, changkyun was never familiar with that concept, let alone being in a relationship. 

minhyuk beckons for kihyun to head on to changkyun’s room. 

kihyun lets out a heavy exhale before bringing his hand up to knock on changkyun’s door. instinctively, he turns his head to look at minhyuk at the end of the hallway and minhyuk gives him a small nod of encouragement. kihyun’s attention quickly turns back to changkyun’s door when the sound of the knob is being turned and the door opens seconds later. 

kihyun could not feel any more relieved to see the younger standing in front of him right now. the sudden image of changkyun at the side of his bed, barely unconscious clouded his head, instantly sending chills down his spine and he shakes it out. 

changkyun is right in front of him right  _ now _ . he isn’t going anywhere. 

kihyun is relieved. but he doesn’t really know what to expect. 

changkyun, on the other hand, is shocked more than anything. he didn’t think kihyun would visit him this soon after being discharged from the hospital. he knew he had hurt kihyun unintentionally and so he hadn't expected this soon of a visitation, or maybe even at all, not until perhaps changkyun himself approached the older.

changkyun is relieved. but he doesn’t really know what to expect. 

“c—come i —in,” changkyun stutters, moving to the side to let the older in before closing the door behind him. kihyun stops right at the middle of the younger’s room and instinctively his eyes go over to the spot he had found changkyun almost a week ago. 

"i —i thought you wouldn't want to —to see me," changkyun says softly, head lowered to the ground and shameful gaze glued to kihyun's feet. this brings kihyun’s attention away from that one spot to the younger boy by the door. changkyun habitually pulls on the sleeves of his sweater as a means to distract him in any way possible.

"i thought you wouldn't want to see me," kihyun says. changkyun lifts his gaze up to meet the older who is already looking at him with a small smile infused with sadness. 

“i —uhm—i—” changkyun’s gaze starts to waver with uncertainty. he pulls on his sleeves much harder now as he tries to find a word, or a sentence—anything really to make it less awkward. he wants to rectify whatever it is that they left off at the hospital. 

the way they parted at kihyun’s last visit, even on the day changkyun last saw kihyun after their argument in the older’s room was too messy. nothing was resolved and it was only the both of them throwing words back and forth, mainly changkyun throwing and accusing kihyun with his own emotions right then and there. 

changkyun was overwhelmed and confused, no doubt, but the younger did wish that he had handled the situation a little better than just throwing accusations left and right just because he simply couldn’t see it like the eyes of others. 

changkyun realised after having the talk with minhyuk and shownu at the hospital that not everything changkyun believes is the exact truth of how the world runs. even if changkyun is still confused about love or even the love kihyun has for him, he does understands that not everything he has known thus far will be the exact same thing throughout his whole life. 

“changkyun…” kihyun calls softly, seeing how on edge and lost the younger is. his heart breaks a little seeing the younger like this. 

"ki — kihyun," changkyun says so brokenly, unsure of how to approach the older altogether. 

but thankfully kihyun did. 

kihyun opens his arms, he doesn't know what to expect but it is worth trying even if rejection comes along with it. 

to his relief, changkyun doesn’t hesitate for a second to walk over and climb on kihyun's lap. the younger shakily wraps his arms around kihyun's neck and kihyun circles his own arms around the younger’s waist.

and changkyun breaks down. 

he breaks down almost immediately when he feels the safe, warm arms of kihyun enveloping him so lovingly despite everything he has said and done. he breaks down hard and almost seemingly pathetically because he didn’t deserve it. he didn’t deserve this much care and love from kihyun. he didn’t deserve this much comfort from kihyun, not after putting him through such a horrid experience. he didn't deserve to be happy overall for hurting kihyun and having him experiencing hell all these times. 

changkyun tightens his arms around kihyun’s neck, his nails slowly digging into his own skin as his self-hatred only expands. he buries his painful cries in the croak of kihyun’s neck, weeping heart wrenchingly.

kihyun’s heart shatters once again having to hear such heartbreaking cries from changkyun. his own hold around the younger tightens as he lays his forehead against the younger’s shoulder that is shaking from how hard he is crying. 

"shh, baby," kihyun coaxes weakly with his own tears falling silently, wetting changkyun’s shirt, but the younger didn’t mind, not that he notices anyway because his own tears are falling nonstop down kihyun’s skin, wetting his shirt as well. 

kihyun then feels changkyun slowly starting to fist his shirt and the clench only gets tighter as changkyun’s cries get louder. kihyun carely detaches himself from changkyun but the younger only tightens his fist around the material even more as though he is scared that kihyun is slipping away. 

kihyun gently places both his palms on the younger’s cheeks, cupping it delicately and leans back so that he can see changkyun. and the sight itself has two fresh tears straying from kihyun’s eyes because changkyun looks so utterly and devastatingly broken. this changkyun reminds him of the changkyun he saw, barely conscious, begging to die. 

“changkyun —changkyun, baby,” kihyun calls, trying to get the younger’s attention. 

"i'm sorry!” changkyun cries, so painful that kihyun himself can feel the stab in his own heart. kihyun shakes his head desperately, trying to get words out. he wants to desperately tell changkyun that he has nothing to be sorry for but all his words get trapped, choked up by the whimper that ends up leaving his lips instead.

“i —i—shouldn’t—i didn’t—i—i—” but changkyun cannot get a single coherent word out without choking on his words then giving up soon after to succumb to his cries. changkyun starts convulsing badly with his breathing irregular and his cries are becoming slightly throttled.

“s—shh,” kihyun whimpers, trying his best to calm the younger down when he himself is slowly falling apart as well. kihyun rubs changkyun’s back with one of his hands while he remains his gaze on the younger. 

“fo—follow my breathing,” kihyun tells him softly. changkyun’s eyes do look at him but he doesn’t fully register all that he’s said. “pl—please,” kihyun begs, helplessness evident in his tone. “changkyun, baby, lis—listen to me,” kihyun says much louder this time and it seems like he got through whatever haze changkyun was in.

“follow my breathing, o—okay? in and out,” kihyun tells him. “ _ in—and out. in—and out. _ ”

thankfully, changkyun does follow the best he can for now. kihyun places a chaste kiss on his forehead to let him know how good he is doing before going back to help him pace his breathing. 

“ki—kihyun—” changkyun says, sounding like an anguish plea. kihyun can only nod his head profusely as a thumb grazes over the younger’s puffed up cheek. “kih—kihyun...”

“i’m right h—here, baby,” kihyun whispers, more tears streaming down his cheeks silently and his bloodshot gaze only trains on changkyun. 

“i—i don’t—i’m—i’m sorry… i’m s—sorry!” are the only words changkyun can splutter out.

“i’m sorry,” kihyun says, too. he brings the younger, who is hiccupping and is all dried out of thick, heavy tears, now only slim cold ones trickling down his face, closer to his slightly trembling body and rests his forehead against changkyun’s.

“i’m s—so sorry, too.”


	86. Chapter 86

both changkyun and kihyun have calmed down now and they both silently lay on changkyun's bed; bodies tangled together, arms wrapped around each other with the younger's head resting against the older's chest. none of them have spoken, not for a good hour or two (they weren't exactly keeping time). kihyun is mindlessly playing with changkyun's hair, gaze focused on the one window in changkyun's room where he can see the sun slowly starting to set. changkyun's gaze wanders here and there, never permanent in one spot around his room with his mind buzzing with so many thoughts and emotions being bombarded both left and right.

after what seems like forever, changkyun shifts his body a little to which kihyun instinctively tightens his grip around the younger, scared that he might slip away _again_. changkyun tilts his head up to look at kihyun who already has his gaze looking down at the younger, making sure his whatever needs are attended to. changkyun's gaze stays for a long while on the older as though he is trying to properly read kihyun, wanting to pinpoint a certain something—an emotion or maybe even trying to understand kihyun as a whole.

kihyun gently brushes his finger over the younger's front hair, tucking it to the back and plays with the back of his hair now.

"what is it, baby?" kihyun finally asks, breaking the thick strand of silence between them.

"you—you love me..." changkyun says softly, words trailing off incoherently as he reaches the last word. even saying it now, after uttering the same words a few times, leaves an odd aftertaste on the younger's tongue.

"i do, kihyun says without the slightest reluctance as he hugs the boy closer to his chest.

changkyun frowns; one, because kihyun is still adamant about this and two, because he answered changkyun so quickly, so surely.

"but i—i don't know if i love you back," changkyun whispers out shamefully and kihyun's heart inevitably sinks. as much as he understands what changkyun means and where he is coming from, having an unrequited love still hurts. regardless how understanding you are, it still stings knowing the person your heart beats for might not really feel the same way about you, that their heart might not ever beat _for_ you.

"i'm—i'm sorry...i—i really am," changkyun apologizes guiltily.

"it's not your fault," kihyun tells him with a sad smile. "i'm not forcing you to love me back. all i ask is that you don't push me away just because i love you."

"i w—won't. i'm just—i'm trying to get used to all this..."

"i hope you know that you can come to me for anything. i will always be here for you, for all your ups and your downs," kihyun tells the younger and kihyun already sees the hesitation pooling in his eyes, the reluctance to open up fully to him.

"i'm your boyfriend, changkyun," kihyun says, bringing the younger out of his hazy doubt to look at the older. "i'm always here for you, not just for the sweet and happy moments. i'm here for you for the moments where you feel like you have no one to turn to. i'm here for you for the moments where you feel like the world and everyone else is against you."

changkyun stares at him, seeming well-nigh lost.

changkyun knows kihyun is there for him in an unspoken kind of way; this lingers around changkyun like a ghost, occasionally whispering to him that he _does_ have someone, but sometimes these whispers seem like a phantom of his desperate imagination. now, hearing kihyun say these words out loud, it weighs differently on changkyun. the whispers are now solid structures of words being embedded into changkyun's head.

"please don't feel that you need to hide all your scars and wounds just to keep our relationship perfect. relationships are never meant to be perfect, changkyun. couples do show affection to each other and spend sweet moments together but there are also moments where they fight, or when their significant other just needs a shoulder to lean on.

"when you feel like you have to wear a facade for the outside world, i hope you know that in this relationship—with me— you can let that facade down. you don't have to hide behind walls and guard yourself so hard," kihyun reassures him tenderly.

"you don't have to smile all the time just to keep me from worrying about you because regardless of everything, i will always worry about you because i love you. i want you to know that you can smile with me, laugh with me, tell me random nonsense but you can also cry in front of me, share with me whatever is making you uncomfortable or unhappy, and tell me whenever you feel like you want to hurt yourself. i will never judge you, changkyun; not for the littlest things or for the things you might find trivial.

"i'm sorry i've never told you this before, changkyun. i'm sorry..."

"kihyun, it—it isn't your fault," changkyun says. he sits up on his bed with the older following suit seconds later, leaning his back against the headboard while changkyun crawls to sit close to the older.

"but it is my fault for assuming that you will open yourself up to me on your own just because we're together now. it was my fault for not reassuring you the way you needed to. for that, i am so sorry, changkyun."

"y—you're not breaking up wi—with me, are you?"

"only if you want me to."

changkyun intertwined his fingers with kihyun's, clenching his hold tightly and shakes his head, indicating 'no'. kihyun smiles sadly and kisses changkyun's forehead.

"tell me everything," kihyun asserts, thumb caressing softly over the younger's hand.

"everything...?"

"everything that's hurting you," kihyun says. "everything you wanted to tell me but felt like you couldn't. tell me how you felt and is still feeling now."

changkyun stills for a moment.

this just piles onto him so suddenly that really he didn't know where or _how_ to start. with changkyun mind scrambling messily, the only thing keeping him (somewhat) grounded is the featherly touch of kihyun's thumb grazing over his pale skin, soothing him, subduing the battle in his head.

when the younger lifts his eyes to look at kihyun, the older offers a small smile as he quietly coax the younger to take his time and that kihyun will be here to listen until the end.

"i don't—i don't think i was ever okay, kihyun, especially—especially not after coming back from the hospital that first time," changkyun admits lowly.

"the thing is for a short moment i was so happy, kihyun," changkyun tells him with a smile yet his eyes brim with thick tears just waiting to fall and kihyun's heart sinks at the sight.

"but then everything started falling apart... that one night when you turned away from me from your window, i wanted so badly to come to you. i never had the courage to personally approach you but somehow you always knew when i needed comforting, so when i saw you at your window that night, i thought—i hoped that you would see that i _needed_ you, that i wanted so bad for you to comfort me because things were getting too much and to suddenly not have you around to comfort me, i felt so lost," changkyun pours out with his voice slowly getting strained from the emotions bubbling up to his chest.

"i wanted to tell you so many things too," changkyun adds heavily. "even if you didn't comfort me, i wanted to at least talk to you to keep my mind off all these negative thoughts because i knew then that even if i didn't tackle my demons, they could be silenced for a mere moment with just talking to you."

kihyun can feel his eyes burning and his chest tighten but he couldn't ask changkyun to stop because he deserves to hear all the hurt he has caused the younger while he selfishly dealt with his veiled emotions back then.

he remembers that night so vividly. he remembers how the younger looked out of his window and smiled at him. he remembers how he had completely ignored him by drawing the curtains. he remembers all he was feeling then and now he is about to taste what the younger felt then.

"what would you have told me that night?" kihyun whispers, feeling his nose flaring now.

"i—i wanted to tell you how happy i was that i was minhyuk hyung's best man—after so long i felt a little happy and i—i wanted to share that and i—i thought you—you wanted to know too... i wanted to tell you that i—i missed you, that i missed spending time with you and i—i wanted to tell you that—that maybe i finally found a reason to stay, kihyun.

"in that short moment, if you had smiled back i was willing to push the past events of the weeks aside and tell you that i didn't want to leave, that i was willing to be strong enough to get better. that i was willing to endure everything and _stay_."

changkyun pauses. taking a moment to recollect himself.

"but it's hard to go on, kihyun. i know i've hurt you, minhyuk hyung and shownu hyung and i know whatever i did worried you guys but it hurts trying to hold on. i want to stay, i want to convince myself that i could get better, that this slump i had fallen into will be temporary but i—i can't confidently say that i'll ever be okay again.

"maybe back then it was tolerable because i had a passion for something and maybe that passion made it slightly easier for me to get out of bed every morning but now, i—i can't even pick up the camera and be content with what i'm doing. i can't sit and read facts about the stars and the universe without eventually going mad. it's like i don't know who i am anymore," changkyun says defeatedly.

"whoever the old changkyun was, even if he was pathetic, he still had a little something to keep him going. now, i'm just an empty shell waiting to disappear."

"changkyun..."

"it's not your fault, kihyun," changkyun finally says. "i knew someday that my life would come to this. you didn't push me to do anything. you've read my letters, you knew i was going to do it, it was just the matter of when."

changkyun reaches his hand up to wipe kihyun's tears that had fallen silently down his cheeks. kihyun sniffs hard before taking both changkyun's hands into his, placing it close to his heart.

"i can n—never forgive myself for the ways i have hurt you," kihyun whimpers, placing a kiss on changkyun's knuckles.

"ki—kihyun—ple—please don't say that," changkyun stutters. kihyun pads his thumb over changkyun's tear-stained cheeks and caresses his cheekbone.

"i have intentionally and unintentionally hurt you like the asshole i am. i am so sorry, changkyun."

changkyun profusely shakes his head with more hot tears streaming down his already flushed cheeks.

"you may think that my life would be well off without you in it, but my life has been so much better since you came. everything i have now, the joy in my life, you are a part of that," kihyun tells the younger.

yet again, changkyun is left pondering the extent of how true this really is. to changkyun, he can only see all the trouble he has caused instead of the smiles he brought to people's lives.

kihyun delicately cups changkyun's cheeks with both his palms, bringing his face and the younger's closer, stopping only inches before their noses touch.

"if i gave you a reason to stay, will you?" kihyun asks, coming off as a plea—a desperate one to which changkyun stares at him, frozen. "if minhyuk, shownu and i gave you a reason just until you find your own reason, will you stay?"

changkyun doesn't answer because if he does then he might induce hope and he didn't want to do that. inducing hope when there might be none is plain cruel, changkyun knows that much. the younger himself doesn't know if he will or if their reasons are enough for him to stay.

"i know—i know i have no right over your life but for one last time, can i be selfish and hope for you to stay? can i be selfish for a little while more and think that if i love you enough then you'll stay?"

hearing this breaks changkyun's heart. listening to kihyun, who once was so confident in his words, is now spluttering out words filled with thirst for hope, hurts. this isn't the kihyun he knew. it isn't the same kihyun he met the very first time.

"if you want to stay just say the words and minhyuk, shownu and i will be here to help you anyway we can and we will be there with you every step of the way."

kihyun pauses.

"but, if after all these while you still—if you still want to go, then _it's okay_."

this is it, the sheer defeat and dejection in kihyun's voice says it all. kihyun is trying to accept the (possible) reality he hopes won't ever come true.

"k—kihyun," changkyun stammers, wanting to say something to appease kihyun a little but kihyun shakes his head. and changkyun thinks he has never seen a smile so heartbreaking before than the one kihyun has on now.

"i know life hasn't been the kindest to you and i know you're still hurting. i wouldn't ever want you to stay in a place where you feel suffocated all the time. so if—if you still want to go, i w—won't stop you."

once again, changkyun doesn't say anything.

instead, the younger closes the final distance between them and claims the older's lips. they kiss. it isn't lustful but it is hungry, almost desperate and longing. and as their kiss slows down to a much mellow rhythm, that's when they taste their salty tears on the tip of their tongues and they realize that they're both crying so much more as they pour as much emotions as they can into this one kiss.


	87. Chapter 87

changkyun wakes up this particular afternoon to the sound of commotion coming from outside, more precisely from the kitchen. changkyun these days don’t depend on an alarm to wake up because he doesn’t exactly see the point of waking up early, it isn’t like he has places to be or things to do if he does wake up early. so he lets his body decide when he should wake up, and it is usually around the late afternoon close to evening and by this time minhyuk would mostly be back from work so he wasn’t alone the rest of the day unless changkyun himself wants alone time by himself.

when changkyun turns to look at the clock at the side of his bed he frowns because it's still early in the afternoon and he hears noises—more like bickering now that he has strained his _ear_ to listen properly. changkyun should be alarmed, but he isn’t because amongst the noises he hears is minhyuk’s voice, and (fortunately) he doesn’t sound like he’s distressed.

so, changkyun pushes himself out of bed and decides to first freshen up to help get this groggy feeling away since he won’t be able to go back to sleep now. changkyun did have the option to lay in bed but he is afraid that if he stays there too long then all these unwanted negative thoughts would start slipping their way through changkyun’s mindless thoughts.

changkyun needs to do something, anything, to occupy himself and so freshening up is a great distraction.

as soon as he opens the door he hears minhyuk’s voice resonating down the hallway all the way from the kitchen. “ _—_ _are so fucking hopeless!_ ” minhyuk exclaims exasperatedly and then a scoff comes along after that. changkyun rolls his eyes as he closes the bathroom door behind him. he hasn’t got the slightest clue of _who_ minhyuk might be talking to but the conversation itself sounds ridiculous already knowing his older brother very well.

changkyun freshens up as fast as he can, spending minimal time looking at the mirror before him because for some reason he can’t keep a steady gaze at his own reflection without having his them tremble and his skin prickling at him to do _something_ to himself. it’s so tempting really, the urge to lose his own self-control and to simply succumb to the whispering demons and also. changkyun didn’t feel strong, not anymore, and so the sheer willpower to stop himself from doing anything physically hurts now.

but he tries.

changkyun doesn’t exactly know why he is trying, but he does. he doesn’t want to succumb, maybe not this early in the morning, maybe not when minhyuk and someone else was in his house.

that is his simple excuse, for now.

once done, changkyun doesn’t even take a second glance at the mirror to see if he looks somewhat decent or not. he simply just combs through his hair with his fingers then opens the door.

and then he hears another voice, a voice so familiar that it makes his heart subconsciously leap.

changkyun hears kihyun which is a shock because the older usually comes over in the evening once his classes are all done. this prompts changkyun to walk down the hallway faster and enter the kitchen.

“no dumbass,” changkyun hears kihyun retort and he stifles a laugh because he knows that kihyun is referring to minhyuk. “we need to use olive oil.”

“butter gives so much flavour,” minhyuk says rather defensively just as changkyun stops at the door of the kitchen, quietly watching them both throw words back and forth.

“what makes you think olive oil doesn’t give a shit ton of flavour?” kihyun huffs as he crosses his arms across his chest, getting defensive as well.

“it helps the skin get the pretty browny shine.”

“but that doesn’t mean that it’ll be crispy.”

“are you making chicken?” changkyun finally speaks from where he is standing and almost instantly both the male’s head whips to where changkyun is standing.

“good afternoon, sleepyhead,” minhyuk says, then resumes to wipe the kitchen counter like he planned to before getting so caught up in such a useless bicker with the wheel-chaired male.

“hi baby,” kihyun says too, with his arms already open, silently inviting the younger to sit on his lap. changkyun complies, as usual, loving the warmth and security from being so close to kihyun. kihyun places a kiss on the side of changkyun’s head and another on the tip of his _left_ ear when the younger settles comfortably on his lap.

“my cute sleepyhead,” the older whispers, and changkyun gives him a mild glare to which kihyun finds to be completely, utterly adorable.

“you’re here early,” changkyun says, looking up at the older male.

“my last class got canceled which really is the perfect excuse to come spend more time with you.” changkyun looks down shyly, feeling his cheeks warming up at that.

“why were you and hyung arguing over how to bake a chicken?” changkyun questions.

“it’s stupid,” kihyun says.

“yea, from what little i heard,” the younger retorts.

“kihyun asked me what i would be making for christmas dinner this year,” minhyuk starts, leaning against the kitchen counter to look at both changkyun and kihyun. “so, i told him that i’ll be baking a whole chicken for christmas—like i always do—and so he asked how would i do it and i told him but mister-thinks-he-knows-it-all thinks i’ve been baking chicken the wrong way when really there isn’t a right or wrong to baking a chicken.”`

“actually, there _is_ a right and wrong to baking a chicken,” kihyun states as-a-matter-of-factly and this sends another annoyed glare towards kihyun’s way from minhyuk. “gordon ramsay would be more than happy to educate you on that.”

“pfft! i’ve been baking the chicken in our family for years and no one has complained before.”

“except that one time when you accidentally set the temperature too high and burned the whole top of the chicken,” changkyun inputs, thoughtfully thinking back to a few christmas ago.

“that was a _new_ oven. cut me some slack,” minhyuk says.

“how about that time you used salted butter instead of unsalted butter to marinate the chicken?” kihyun laughs at this.

“which side are you on, changkyun?” minhyuk asks, looking at changkyun pointedly with a hint of playfulness.

“i’m just stating incidences in history when it concerns you and baking a chicken,” changkyun simply replies with a shrug. “also kihyun, there’s like five months until christmas…”

“no harm in asking, is there?” kihyun says rhetorically. “besides, christmas is always fun with presents and all the good food.”

“it’s also a good excuse to get drunk,” minhyuk adds.

“i thought new year’s was a good excuse to get drunk?”

“they’re just six days apart, same thing,” minhyuk dismisses before he exits out of the kitchen. kihyun looks down at the younger who has gone completely silent and that’s when he notices the sudden long face of the younger.

was it because of christmas?

before kihyun can ask changkyun anything, minhyuk re-enters the kitchen with his car key in his hand and a coat strapped on him. “anyways, i have a meeting to attend to in a while. so i’ll be heading out now,” minhyuk tells them.

they both bid goodbye to minhyuk leaving them in complete silence. changkyun now resorts to playing with his fingers and kihyun can only frown at the sudden dampen mood.

“what’s with the long face?” kihyun asks softly.

“are you—are you going to be here for christmas?” changkyun asks so timidly, head still lowered. 

“i’m not sure, baby. since my family decided to celebrate on our own last year, this year my aunt really wants us to visit and spend christmas with her family,” kihyun tells him honestly. and changkyun simply nods, not elaborating on it anymore.

“where will you be spending your christmas?” kihyun asks this time and changkyun lets out a heavy sigh.

“um... i heard minhyuk and shownu hyung talking about us spending lunch over at shownu’s parents place then dinner at—at my p—parents place,” changkyun tells him, voice only getting softer by the last few words that mention his parents.

kihyun sees the younger’s hesitancy when it comes to mentioning having christmas dinner _with_ his parents and he understands why now. he immediately makes a mental note to ask his parents about christmas dinner later on.

“let's go for a walk,” kihyun suggests, wanting to take the younger’s mind of this topic that is clearly upsetting him. changkyun’s finally lifts his head up to see kihyun. “would you like that, baby?”

“yea…”

kihyun smiles and kisses the younger’s lips.

“before we leave, remember the camera i gave you?” changkyun nods. “could you please bring it, baby?” and the younger frowns, unsure what the older is really planning, but he nods his head again nonetheless and gets down to go get the said item.

changkyun opens his closet and reaches to the far corner where he had kept the camera in its box after trying it out only a few times. as he carries the box out, his eyes trace over the light coating of dust all over the top of the box and he feels guilty because surely kihyun didn’t buy him this camera (which does cost a lot) only for it to be sleeping in his closet, unused.

perhaps this is what angers changkyun about himself too because he had let kihyun down by not using such an expensive gift that kihyun had carefully thought of.

changkyun feels almost shameful now as he brings the box over to kihyun. his eyes refuse to look into kihyun’s in the fear of seeing the disappointment. he knows he’s let him and the others down multiple times, he just can’t bear to look them in the eyes to confirm another one of his disappointment when he can already feel the guilt pinching his heart.

“i—i’ve only taken it out a few times but after that i—i left it in t—the box because i didn’t see the point,” changkyun says as kihyun takes the box from his hands, feeling the need to justify himself and too, hopefully, reduce kihyun’s disappointment.

but kihyun isn’t disappointed, not even the slightest.

kihyun takes out the camera from the box and places it carefully on his lap and keeps the box on the kitchen counter before taking one of changkyun’s hands. “shall we go?” kihyun asks and changkyun is confused at how _calm_ kihyun sounds, there isn’t a single hint of despondency laced in his voice.

they go quiet once again once they get outside. thankfully, the silence isn’t at all defining. just the simple presence of each other with innocent touches is seemingly enough comfort for both of them as they bask in nature.

kihyun, and even changkyun, have forgotten how long it has been since they both had taken a walk like this together. it’s been a long while and they both (secretly ) missed it because it was one of those things that they did together even before they were a couple. it was an unspoken interest both of them had, something they silently shared that unknowingly connected them to so many other things after these walks down the quiet street _together_.

“hey baby,” kihyun calls. changkyun hums, looking at kihyun and waiting for the older to continue. “my friends want to come and see you one of these days and i thought i should ask you first and see how you feel about meeting them.”

kihyun can feel changkyun unintentionally squeeze his hand tighter, unsure how to make of this response, but he does see the younger’s eyebrows knitting together a little.

"do—do they k—know?" is the first thing changkyun questions.

"they know that you were admitted but that's all,” kihyun tells him honestly. “it wasn’t my place to tell them the whole story and i know you wouldn’t be comfortable with that.”

changkyun feels his chest warm up hearing this. “thank you,” changkyun tells the older softly, truly feeling so grateful.

“you don’t have to thank me for that. and you don’t have to worry, they know their boundaries so they won't question you about anything. they just really miss you and would like to spend some time with you.”

“th—they miss me?”

kihyun hums.

“so much,” kihyun tells him. “they’re practically bugging me every day to come over.” changkyun giggles at this, imagining particularly both jooheon and hyungwon annoying the shit out of kihyun while wonho watches them all in amusement.

kihyun finally stops his wheelchair near a tree once they’ve reached the quiet playground, the familiar spot where he and changkyun used to always go together. the very place kihyun first saw changkyun with a camera in his hand.

kihyun passes the camera to changkyun who looks at him very much confused. kihyun doesn’t say anything instead, carefully lifts himself from his wheelchair and changkyun quickly hangs the camera strap over his neck and goes to help kihyun by holding onto one of his arms and the other arm wrap around the older’s waist and guides him to sit down carefully on the grass. kihyun then leans his back against the tree.

kihyun gives the younger a grateful smile and kisses his cheek in appreciation.

changkyun remembers the very first time he had tried helping kihyun in this very place, kihyun had told him off harshly and truly he could laugh if he were to tell his past self of this scenario, of the very fact that kihyun has gotten so completely soft for the boy and that he has seen such vulnerable sides of him that he never knew existed; he’s seen kihyun’s insecurities and cries of remorse but he has also seen the utmost loving and caring side of him too.

changkyun sits down beside kihyun and instinctively looks up to the sky, mindlessly tracing the outlines of the cloud as the few birds around them sing rhymeless tunes to fill the silent void in the air around them.

“it’s a shame isn’t it how easily we take the beauty of nature for granted?” kihyun says. changkyun turns to look at kihyun who also now looks at him before his gaze is lifted back up to the sky. it isn’t so much the meaning behind what kihyun said, but simply the _words_ in itself that made chankyun’s heart stutter.

“this boy once told me that _‘_ _nature should be appreciated more, not just in poems or stories but in real life’_ and he’s right.”

changkyun’s eyes widened now because he knows those words very well. the younger’s heart stutters once more as warmth spreads throughout his chest knowing that kihyun remembered the words he told him the first time they had a _civil_ conversation together—somewhat civil conversation. the younger remembers that horrid day when he came home with open wounds on his back, the younger remembers chasing after kihyun only to find him crying by himself at this very place. and the younger remembers the words he told kihyun in an attempt to comfort him.

and kihyun remembers even this trivial thing changkyun had told him last year.

“you know, you can capture the beauty of nature with a camera and it expresses something so completely different than what poems and stories could portray,” kihyun tells him, looking at changkyun once more.

“have you heard of the **decisive moment** coined by _henri cartier-bresson_?” kihyun asks.

changkyun carefully thinks for a moment. he has heard of the name before in his photography class when the teacher had mentioned a few notable photographers throughout the decades, but the term however was unprecedented..

“ _cartier-brensson_ was a french photographer,” changkyun tells kihyun, and the older hums, indicating that he is right. “i’ve never heard of the **decisive moment** before though,” changkyun admits.

“my lecturer brought it up the other day when he was discussing photographic psychology. it was brief but through it all, i only thought of _you_.” changkyun stares at him incredulously.

“me?”

“hm~ it made me think about you and your love for photography, how you _used_ to enjoy it.” hearing this, changkyun’s head drops down in shame but kihyun is quick to lift it back up and settle his gaze right at the younger’s. “there’s nothing shameful about that, okay? just hear me out a little,” kihyun pleads with his eyes and changkyun easily complies, nodding his head. kihyun gives him a small smile and kisses the younger’s nose.

“the **decisive moment** happens when both visual and psychological aspects of people in real life naturally and shortly resonate perfectly together to the quintessence of that particular moment. many photographers note that the purpose of photography, as compared to visual art, is that it is able to catch the essence and holistic instant flow of life,” kihyun explains from what his own lecturer told him.

“every picture taken is _transient_ and _spontaneous…_ ” changkyun mutters.

“yes, and within those _transient_ and _spontaneous_ pictures, so much can be told.”

kihyun then beckons for changkyun to hand the camera over to him. he turns it on and goes to the gallery where only five pictures are displayed and all were taken of random things; two is of a flower outside changkyun’s house, one is changkyun a candid of both shownu and minhyuk in the kitchen and the last two are the pictures of the road but it's blurry as though changkyun had moved them a little too much when clicking the shutter release.

changkyun fumes when he sees the pictures he had taken months ago—a few days after kihyun had given him the camera. these weren’t like the pictures he used to take, so steady, so aesthetic, with so much _passion_. 

“i hate them,” changkyun says, referring to the pictures kihyun is scrolling through one by one now.

“but i don’t,” kihyun counters.

“you’re just saying that—”

“—because i’m _your_ boyfriend?” kihyun finishes it off. changkyun silences with his lips going into a thin line. “maybe it is biased especially when it’s coming from me but that doesn’t mean i’m lying and i especially wouldn’t lie about something like this, something that means so much to you.”

“photography means nothing to me now, you know that.”

“i don’t believe so,” kihyun says. “i know you said that you can’t be content with whatever picture you take with the camera but it’s not all that bad. even these pictures that you attempt to take tell a story and they conceal such intimate feelings that you and _only_ you know, unless you decide to tell the world the story behind these pictures, otherwise they will remain personal to you. maybe these pictures show the point in your life that you’re not so proud of it but someday when you look back at it, it'll be a reminder of how you’ve grown from it."

“what if i’ll never get better at taking pictures? then what?” changkyun challenges. the younger doesn’t believe in himself anymore, not when he has been doused repeatedly with self-hate and discouragement all around him all these while. even if there were blooming positivity around him, it is always so quickly overshadowed.

“baby, photography is just like art, it is subjective,” kihyun tells him tenderly. “not everyone will appreciate the pictures you take but there are people out there who will. don’t give up on this because of a few ‘bad’ pictures amongst the other good ones.”

“what’s the use anyways? i shouldn’t be dwelling in some past time activity.”

“but what’s so wrong with doing that?”

“i’m _eighteen_ , kihyun. i should already be planning for which degree i’m going to take in uni but here i am, a high school dropout who’s still mourning about his stupid photography with no direction whatsoever in life.”

“hey, don’t call your love for photography _stupid_ ,” kihyun warns softly. “changkyun, just because you don’t have your whole life figured out by the time you’re eighteen doesn’t make you a failure.”

changkyun stays silent, lips now in a thin line.

“there are so many people out there that even after they _did_ graduate high school they are still clueless about what they want to become. don’t fall for the stereotypical narrative where you should be at a certain point in your life when you are this or this age. it’s not necessary to go to college or uni straight after high school. some even take gap years to figure out what they truly want,” kihyun tells him gently and fortunately, it does seem like it is getting through changkyun.

“so, what? take a gap year and find out if photography is truly my passion then pursue that as my career?”

“you could do that," kihyun agrees. "but you should also know that whatever passion you have, it doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be turned into a career,” kihyun says. “it could just be something for pass time sake, something you look forward to as a reward at the end of a busy day or something you resort to doing when you feel like tuning the world out.”

kihyun takes one of changkyun’s hands and squeezes it, seeing that the younger is getting slightly overwhelmed with all that he is telling him.

“i know you want to find your purpose in life but i won’t sugarcoat it and say it will be easy because it’s not. it will take time; it might take days, months or maybe even a year or two until you find it. but for now, you do have something, even if it’s little and momentary. you have photography, let this be your purpose, to tell your story in pictures. like i said, the _decisive moments_ —no picture you take will be meaningless because they will be a story behind each picture. the emotions you had when you take them will be embedded in it so it will never be meaningless.

“and if photography isn’t enough, you have _us_. you have minhyuk, shownu and i. heck, you even have my friends! let us give you reasons to stay until you can find your own reason.”

changkyun’s hand trembles when he brings it up to cup kihyun’s face. the way kihyun’s voice is slowly straining and how it heavily drips with desperation tugs at his heart, almost like it wants to beat, for the first time, it wants to continue beating.

“i know i told you that i won’t stop you if you want to go,” kihyun says tightly, his heart clenching painfully just thinking about it. he brings his own hand up to hold changkyun’s that is still on his cheek. “but i can’t just sit around and wait and see if you want to come to us. i can’t just sit around without at least _trying_. i can’t simply watch you slip away just like that."

changkyun releases a shaky sigh as kihyun rests his forehead against the younger’s.

"i love you too much to do that, changkyun” kihyun professes painfully.

“i—i know,” changkyun whispers sincerely. “i know…”

changkyun knows kihyun loves him, he won’t question that anymore.

even if he still didn’t know whether he loves kihyun or not, he couldn’t deny the love kihyun has for him. the love kihyun has for him, the love that minhyuk, shownu, and kihyun explained, is what changkyun is slowly starting to see from the older and he won’t stubbornly deny it when kihyun’s love is on its knees right in front of him, begging to be acknowledged even if it isn’t accepted or reciprocated.

for kihyun, hearing that changkyun finally acknowledges his love for him is enough. for now, this little step is more than enough. **** ****


	88. Chapter 88

jooheon slams his hand on the table right on the deck of cards in front of everyone as he yells, "seven!" wonho sighs. hyungwon mutters a string of curses under his breath from the unexpected loud smack.. and kihyun glares at jooheon, not because he was startled as well but because he saw how changkyun jumped in his seat from jooheon's (extreme) enthusiasm of the game _uno snap_ _—_ more so his heighten enthusiasm when he is close to not being the last place _again_.

they are currently at a _pojangmacha_ , another one that jooheon discovered about a week ago, and of course he felt the need to come here with his friends. so that night after having dinner together at a bbq place, they walked to the _pojangmacha_ that isn't really that far for a few drinks. hyungwon brought along his stack of uno cards since he noticed its hibernation three years ago and figured why not distress with a few rounds of the innocent game.

wonho takes the deck of cards under jooheon's palm and adds it to his own stack of cards since he was the last one to slap his hand on the deck. kihyun on the other hand gently rubs his hand on the younger's back from that little scare he just had. changkyun returns the gesture with a soft smile.

"okay. okay. i'm almost winning," jooheon indicates as he sits closer to the table and gives wonho a look, determined that he _will_ win this round. "i got this."

"you're awfully serious about this game," wonho says.

" _too_ serious," kihyun mumbles.

"i was a noob in all those other rounds."

"even so, you will only be coming in third place if you _do_ win this round," hyungwon tells him, feeling amused at how competitive jooheon is getting and he knows that the male will only get pouty if he were to lose this round _too_.

wonho and jooheon start tossing the cards to the middle of the table and count from zero to nine. after passing the number _nine_ three times, they pick up the pace to make it more challenging. in the end, jooheon won the round by finish his stack of cards first.

"fuck yea!" jooheon exclaims as he smacks both his hands on the table with utter satisfaction. the table shakes and one of the soju drinking glasses topples over leaving both kihyun and hyungwon to roll their eyes at their friend.

"there is literally no reason for you to be this aggressive," kihyun retorts as he places the glass back upright. "especially when you're coming in third place," the wheel-chaired male adds that last bit lowly.

"kihyun~" changkyun says softly, smacking his boyfriend's arm at that remark but he is also trying his best not to laugh out loud at what kihyun had just said.

"i heard that by the way," jooheon tells him. "maybe it isn't necessary but i have the gratification of winning."

"third place," hyungwon rephrases. jooheon glares at the taller who is collecting back his uno deck.

"but when there's money involved, aggression is more than necessary," jooheon says with a smirk, implying something else as he eyes around the table at his friends.

"are you insinuating that we bet money for the next round of uno snap?" hyungwon clarifies with his own grin widening. he very much likes that idea _—_ anything that involves winning money always sounds like harmonies in hyungwon's ears.

"bingo!"

"no, we are not betting," kihyun tells the circle, specifically aimed at both jooheon and hyungwon who look too determined at this idea.

"what's the hypocritical reason now?" jooheon asks with his arms crossed, waiting for an answer that he knows will be rather amusing and very much hypocritical too.

"the legal age to bet is nineteen," kihyun states.

"yet you've won over forty-five thousand won at the age of _eighteen_ ," jooheon counters, scoffing at his friend's hypocrisy.

"wait seriously?" changkyun asks, eyes full-blown wide as he turns to look at kihyun incredulously.

"that's beside the point," kihyun says defensively. " _my_ changkyun is innocent. and he hasn't gambled before."

"i've played monopoly," changkyun inputs.

"oh changkyunnie," hyungwon cooes, squishing the said boy's cheeks between his palms at his innocence. "you really are a gem, aren't you?" changkyun sure did blush at that and he doesn't exactly know how to take in what hyungwon just said. no one besides his boyfriend, his brother, and his brother-in-law had referred to him with such endearment before so really, changkyun is flustered more than anything.

"why did you conveniently leave out the part where i split the money with all of you," kihyun says.

"that act of generosity was very much appreciated, my friend," jooheon says, patting kihyun's back. "anyway, imma go get some more soju. orders anyone?" jooheon asks.

"i would like a _blue moon_ ," wonho tells jooheon.

"soju original," kihyun informs.

and with this, changkyun quickly leans over to hyungwon and whispers, "soju citrus flavour." hyungwon chuckles and nods, instantly understanding what the younger means.

"soju citrus flavour," hyungwon says. "and a—"

"changkyun..." kihyun looks at the younger pointedly.

"kihyun...?" the boy counters, pretending to be clueless.

"i'm not letting you drink."

"but that wasn't for me!" the younger exclaim rather defensively.

"pigs fly, i know," kihyun says sarcastically.

"i'm honest. cross my heart," the younger adds dramatically as he draws an 'x' right over his heart.

"and i'm a saint. cross my heart," kihyun mocks, mimicking the younger's action.

"kihyun~" changkyun whines, pouting at the older male with his puppy eyes, hoping this last tactic will somehow work. "why would you assume that it was me who ordered it~"

"am i supposed to suddenly believe that hyungwon's citrus allergy is cured?" 

"please kihyun. just one bottle. i promise i really won't ask for more this time. promise!" changkyun begs, his bottom lip jutting out even more to make his pout seem more pitiful.

changkyun even goes to the extent to lean over and peck kihyun's lips which did take the older by surprise because it is unexpected considering how shy changkyun is. kihyun is stunned and slightly flustered, rendered speechless for a moment.

"please."

"fuck," he curses under his breath. not because he was embarrassed but because he was so whipped that he actually said _'yes'_. jooheon goes along with the orders he was given.

"changkyun progresses from one shot to one whole bottle," hyungwon sing-songs.

"he's only getting half the bottle, if not less," kihyun clarifies.

"but why~"

"i think that's best for you, changkyun," wonho says now. changkyun lifts his gaze up to the built-male who gives him a kind smile. "we don't know your limit and a full bottle is sometimes enough to get someone tipsy. and today isn't exactly a day where you would want to test your tolerance especially when you will be going home."

kihyun looks at wonho and nods his head thankfully. he is grateful that wonho understands his concerns when it comes to changkyun. sure, no doubt that kihyun was somewhat of a rebellious teen; he started drinking when he was underage and even did illegal things like gambling when he wasn't supposed to.

he doesn't want changkyun to grow up the way he did.

kihyun's mindset back then was so messed up where he thought drinking on the weekends until bad shit wasted is how to live a life that he always almost managed to disregard the consequences the subsequent days. he was young and stupid then, thinking living up to the hype life was really what will make him satisfied in the end.

changkyun quietly nods his head.

kihyun hates seeing the younger so dejected. he knows changkyun only wants to experience all these things that seem thrilling because most people his age would've tried all these even when they shouldn't. changkyun didn't get the chance to do so since he didn't exactly have friends to show him. kihyun did feel bad, and he can't blame changkyun for being curious.

"you know i only want what's best for you," kihyun whispers to him. changkyun turns to look at kihyun. "besides, the last thing i need is some ass whooping from minhyuk and shownu for bringing you back drunk," he adds to lighten the mood which did succeed because he sees a faint smile on the younger's lips.

"i understand," the younger mutters. "i'm sorry."

"there's nothing to apologize for," kihyun reassures. "i'll tell you what, someday we will test your tolerance and when we know it i'll let you drink how much you can, okay?"

changkyun's eyes light up at that idea.

"when can we?" he quickly asks, already excited for that day.

"well, we have to be sure it's a day that you'll be staying over at my place," kihyun reassures with a chuckle. changkyun nods with a smile much brighter now. kihyun then brings his lips closer to the younger's right ear and whispers, "i love you," before pulling away just in time for jooheon to place the drinks he brought.

changkyun is of course taken aback just like every other time kihyun would slip in those words just for the younger to hear. even if changkyun didn't feel the same kihyun didn't let that discourage him, if anything he wants more than ever for the younger to know that he loves him no matter when or where.

everyone eventually cruises into a comfortable conversation while changkyun can't help but look around the table at the people chatting away being completely mindless of his shy glances. changkyun is still trying to wrap his head around the fact that these people call him their friend.

changkyun was skeptical when kihyun had told him that his friends were bugging him to meet him, but that all vanishes when kihyun invites changkyun over to his house where his friends were already at and almost instantly both hyungwon and jooheon rush to hug him, rambling about how worried they were and how much they missed him. wonho, too, gives the boy a tight hug, telling him that he is strong, that whatever battle he is facing he will get through it and he isn't alone.

changkyun refused to believe before that people genuinely liked him for who he is and even if people did show somewhat of an interest in him it was merely because changkyun tried being like them or tried being someone that he thought was 'likable' by everyone.

with kihyun's friends changkyun barely put in the effort to be someone else when most of the time he clung onto kihyun when he was scared and other times they would approach him softly and carefully, giving him time to adjust to them to eventually being comfortable enough to talk to them without stuttering.

changkyun remembers the first few times meeting kihyun's friends, how much of a stuttering mess he was and god, how hard his heart was beating, having been so worried about their judgments towards him. eventually changkyun realized that they never gave him a reason to doubt their actions because they were always genuine with him. they seem to really like the younger's company despite him being quiet most of the time and they even care for him _—_ something changkyun never thought would happen.

"hey," kihyun calls gently, bringing changkyun out of his buzzing thought that he got lost in. "what are you thinking, baby?" he asks gently whilst caressing the pad of his thumb over the younger's hand.

changkyun looks at kihyun for a second, then at wonho, hyungwon, and jooheon who are still talking and laughing, then back at kihyun. and he smiles.

kihyun's heart lightens because this smile isn't forced, although it isn't bright, his eyes gleam nonetheless.

 _'i'm happy'_ , changkyun wants to tell him, but he can't confidently say that because he isn't certain about everything else. he feels the warmth oozing off his chest and the slight tingle on his skin. changkyun is happy, but it is in _this_ small moment.

the younger takes kihyun's hand and squeezes it, saying, "it's a nice night tonight." 

he isn't lying. the night is peaceful. the temperature seems just right, it isn't too windy but there's just enough breeze to tease them. the chaotic atmosphere of the _pojangmacha_ they are sitting in compliments it all well. and the loud chattering of kihyun's friends _—_ of _his_ friends, just lightens up and makes the mood livelier overall.

maybe he'll tell kihyun about these thoughts some other day; about how he enjoys these moments with his friends, about the fact that he feels happy _—_ at least a little which should count for something, right? _—,_ or maybe at the fact that for the first time, in a long time, he didn't dread being alive.


	89. Chapter 89

“wait, did they really make it?” hyungwon asks, seemingly excited that they might’ve gotten a good ending to this video game they are all playing together.

jooheon is quick to shush him. “it’s not over yet,” jooheon tells hyungwon tersely with his eyebrows furrowed, listening to what more the characters have to say.

“why does _‘andrew’_ seem so out of it?” changkyun inputs, referring to the protagonist of the video game.

and then they all gasp seconds later.

“i told you something wasn’t right when they suddenly didn’t show the _bus driver_ ,” wonho says.

“it was an empty bus,” kihyun adds just as the exact scene starts playing before them. “in the beginning, there wasn’t anyone in the bus. it was only the _bus driver_ and he delusionally thinks there were _“students”_ on board.”

then everyone falls silent as they watch the final scene unfold before their wide-blown eyes. “he might be schizophrenic,” changkyun hears wonho say as he watches the protagonist's abnormal behaviour being played out.

changkyun turns to kihyun who is right behind him.

“schizophrenic as in having delusions and hallucinations?” the younger confirms and kihyun hums. changkyun nods and turns his head back to the screen and the younger feels the older’s lips against his nape, planting a soft kiss there and changkyun subconsciously leans back to kihyun’s chest.

“oh shit,” jooheon exclaims when the credits roll. “oh fuck.” jooheon runs his hands up and down his face trying to comprehend what he had just played.

“fuck, that’s the ending?” hyungwon exasperates, clearly displeased.

“that—that was so sad,” changkyun says with a pout. “he hallucinated his whole family this whole time.”

this sunday they had all decided to gather at kihyun’s house to play the new game jooheon bought before their finals— **the dark pictures: little hope**. and now that all their finals were over, jooheon brought it over so everyone could play together. it took them around four hours to complete the whole game (minus the hours they paused the game to grab some lunch). neither of them left the living room unless it was to get a drink, but other than that they would shift places between the floor or the couch, sometimes leaning against each other or other times slapping the one in control of the controller as they would shout out their own opinions when it comes to choosing how the story would go.

changkyun had moved from initially seating on the ground with jooheon and hyungwon, sometimes given the chance to take charge of the controller, then other times he shifted to the three-seated couch to sit beside wonho who would hide the younger in his arms whenever a jump scare would come on before changkyun eventually decided to sit on kihyun’s lap where the older sat on the single couch right after lunch.

the younger is about to get off kihyun’s lap to go get a cup of water when then he feels the older’s arms around his waist tighten.

kihyun subconsciously holds onto changkyun’s waist when he feels the younger moving away. changkyun frowns, looking over his shoulder at the older who has been watching the screen where jooheon is now tweaking with the extra features of the video game the whole time, barely giving notice to what he just did.

changkyun finds it odd, at least a little.

it isn’t the fact that kihyun has never tightened his grip whenever the younger sat on his lap, but it’s the fact that the older did it when kihyun isn't moving or doing anything remotely dangerous. this isn’t changkyun’s first time sitting on kihyun’s lap in his living room but he never stopped changkyun from getting off his lap before.

but changkyun simply disregards it, not wanting to overthink it.

“kihyun?” changkyun calls. that is when kihyun’s attention shifts back to the younger, seeming rather nonchalant.

“yea?”

“i would like a glass of water,” the younger tells him.

“sure baby. but you know you don’t have to ask me,” kihyun says, feeling a little confused himself.

“i—i know. it’s just—can you loosen your grip?” changkyun asks shyly. kihyun looks down to his arms clasp tightly and he instantly let’s go, muttering curses in his head.

“i’m sorry, baby. i— i didn’t realize what i was doing,” kihyun apologizes.

“it’s alright,” changkyun reassures and gets off kihyun’s lap, making his way into the kitchen.

the younger takes a glass from the cabinet and goes over to the water pitcher to pour himself as much as he wants. just when changkyun takes a sip jooheon walks into the kitchen as well, giving the younger his dimpled-smile and changkyun smiles back.

“do you want pepsi?” jooheon offers, peeking from the side of the refrigerator’s door at the younger.

“sure hyung.” jooheon takes out another can and closes the fridge, walking over to where changkyun is leaning against the kitchen island and passes the can over to him. “thank you, hyung,” changkyun beams and cracks the can open.

jooheon opens his own can and leans against the kitchen island right next to changkyun. the both of them look out the huge window by the kitchen and they both silently admire the sun setting not too far from them.

“you know, i took a liking towards you, changkyun,” jooheon starts out of nowhere, ending the comfortable silence between them. the younger looks at the dimpled-male confusedly with a slight frown. “it isn't a friendly kind of liking. it was rather a romantic one,” jooheon clarifies. this did make the younger choke on his pepsi, putting down the can before rubbing his chest as he looks up at the dimpled-male incredulously. jooheon rubs the younger’s back in an attempt to stop his coughing.

“wh—what…?” changkyun says, barely a whisper.

“sorry, i caught you off-guard, didn’t i?” jooheon says with a chuckle. he goes back to stare out of the window while changkyun’s very much shocked gaze stays on jooheon. “i just felt like telling you this now because i don’t think i’ll ever find a chance like this again.”

“hyung…” changkyun really doesn’t know what to say or how to even properly respond to that. and for some reason changkyun feels guilty, he feels horrible that he can’t reciprocate the feeling. “hyung, i—i—” changkyun is stumbling over his words, and jooheon notices this.

“i didn’t tell you this to make you feel bad, i just needed to get it out of my chest so you don’t have to say anything, changkyunnie,” jooheon reassures with a tint of sadness. “i knew i couldn’t have my chance with you but you know you can’t exactly tell your heart who you should fall for,” jooheon says, letting out another chuckle but this time it is dry because the reality of that fact is true yet bitter and it is also inevitable to avoid it.

“i’m sorry,” changkyun blurts. “i—i really am. i’m sorry, hyung.” jooheon gently caresses the boy’s hair, smiling down gently at him, and changkyun wonders how jooheon can still smile like that, so bright and genuine even when his heart is still breaking.

“you feel safe with kihyun and you trust him and that is something i can never be for you, so don’t apologize, okay? it’s not your fault neither is it mine. this is just one phase of how life works,” jooheon tells him. “you’re happy with him and kihyun is so happy since he’s been with you, that’s all i can ever ask for.”

changkyun doesn’t know what to say to that, so he stays quiet.

“i still remember the day kihyun was talking to us about how fascinated he was at the fact that you knew so much about nature and the solar system,” jooheon reminisces. changkyun’s head snaps up hearing this.

changkyun is well aware that he rambled quiet a lot about facts that interests him once and he knew that kihyun listened to him because the older would occasionally ask him question to clarify things he wasn’t certain about. but the fact that kihyun talks to his friend about this is news to him and it truly baffles changkyun.

“watching this sunset with you i suddenly remembered that moment. and this was way before you both got together,” jooheon explains. “whether he admits it or not, he’s changed since he’s met you and it’s not for the bad,” jooheon tells him. “i mean, he still very much has his dick personality but overall he’s become a much better person than he was before he met you.”

“but i didn’t—”

“you did,” jooheon interjects gently knowing exactly what the younger was going to say.

“i don’t—i don’t know what to say…” the younger mutters honestly.

“thank you,” jooheon says out of nowhere, catching changkyun completely off-guard.

“hyung, why are you thanking me?” changkyun asks with a clear frown.

“thank you for being _you_ ,” jooheon tells him simply yet with so much sincerity. for some reason, changkyun feels like the air has been knocked out of his chest.

_was someone really thanking him for the way he is?_

“thank you for coming into kihyun’s life. thank you for coming into _our_ lives. you may not notice this but you’re really an amazing person, changkyun.”

changkyun can feel his eyes burning and his skin tingling. he doesn’t know how to respond to this. he doesn’t even know what answer wouldn’t make him sound rude or ungrateful. was saying “thank you” back simply too straightforward or insincere? did he need to wreck his brain for longer sentences to convey what he is feeling right now?

“aw changkyunnie,” jooheon cooes, bringing the boy into a hug after having noticed how glossy the younger’s eyes got. changkyun leans into jooheon’s embrace, silently sniffling his unshed tears. “i meant every word,” jooheon whispers as he caresses the younger’s back gently.

“i—i know. it—i—i’m not really used to all these,” changkyun mumbles out shyly.

jooheon gives changkyun one last tight squeeze and then wiping any trace of tears in his eyes before they both walk back out to the living room. jooheon sits back on his spot on the floor next to hyungwon while changkyun goes back over to kihyun, sitting on his lap to which kihyun welcomes him with open arms. changkyun can’t help but let his gaze fall on jooheon who was looking over hyungwon’s shoulder as they go through something on his phone.

was changkyun really _that_ oblivious to people’s feelings towards him? he couldn’t tell even kihyun was in love until the older confessed it himself. and now he only got to know that jooheon’s small touches and reassuring words all these while weren’t only because changkyun was his friend but because he had feelings for the younger—feelings changkyun couldn’t reciprocate.

kihyun is playing with the back of changkyun’s hair while he is scrolling through his phone. changkyun slowly turns around to look at kihyun and kihyun looks up from his phone, smiling softly at the younger and places a gentle kiss on his forehead.

“hey! so apparently there are six different endings to this game,” hyungwon tells them after reading online.

“i need to see another ending. the one we first got was shitty,” jooheon avers, standing up to get the controller. 

that is how the rest of their sunday went. jooheon restarted the game with wonho taking control of the controller this time (occasionally passing it to hyungwon as well) while changkyun rests his head against kihyun’s chest snuggling into his arms where kihyun holds him securely as he enjoys the most peaceful chaos of his sunday.

_‘you’re happy with him and kihyun is so happy since he’s been with you’._

jooheon is right; changkyun does trust kihyun and he feels safe with kihyun more than anything. 

changkyun knew he could dwell in the guilt of not reciprocating jooheon’s feelings but he knows it simply wouldn’t change anything. it would’ve been different if he and jooheon were together, but they aren’t. and it would’ve been different if jooheon blamed changkyun for not feeling the same way back, but he didn’t.

changkyun’s present is with kihyun; the man who loves him for him, something he is starting to accept. and it is also something he would want to slowly, eventually, reciprocate too. 


	90. Chapter 90

changkyun’s innocent eyes boggle around the ice-cream shop, not paying much attention to the little crowd by the seating area but rather he tries to wreck his brain thinking which flavour he should get and he pushes himself to think fast because he knows he’ll be asked which flavour he would want soon. his gaze jumps from one flavour thinking that would taste nice then switches to another wondering how that flavour would taste before he jumps to a whole other flavour wanting to know how that one flavour he has never tasted before would taste like.

changkyun is already an indecisive person and he hates having to make decisions that have multiple choices laid out for him because _this_ always happens.

“which flavour would you like, kyun-ah?” mr yoo asks the most expectant question since he got down from the car. mr yoo turns to look at changkyun who had his eyes grazing over the many ice-cream flavours.

changkyun looks up at mr yoo seeming almost hesitant to say anything because one, he barely made up his mind on what he will be getting and two, he feels bad somehow that he will be paying for this even though kihyun’s parents were the ones to invite him out for dinner with all of them.

“don’t be shy, changkyun,” mr yoo coaxes, noticing the younger’s hesitancy.

“oreo cookies and cream cheese, please,” changkyun answers shyly, resorting to the one flavour he always has in mind, the same flavour he always ends up getting because he knows he will be a stuttering mess trying to recite any other flavours he isn’t familiar with. the last thing changkyun needs is an embarrassment on himself and embarrassing the whole _yoo_ family.

“two large scoops of oreo cookies and cream cheese, please,” mr yoo tells over the counter. changkyun’s eyes widen at the mention of _two_ scoops, and that too _large_ ; one scoop already cost a whole lot, at least to changkyun, but two scoops? two _large_ scoops?

changkyun turns to kihyun who is beside him, feeling helpless at this because he didn’t want to seem rude but the older just smiles at him and squeezes his hand, telling him to just accept it.

when mr yoo passes changkyun his ice-cream he gently beckons for the younger to join his wife by the booth that she is already seating at while waiting for both mr yoo and kihyun to get their own ice-cream. changkyun thanks mr yoo and turns around, his nervous eyes quickly scanning for the familiar motherly face in this almost packed ice-cream shop. when he finally spots her, he lets out a relieved sigh and quickly makes his way over to her.

changkyun slips into the booth and sits next to mrs yoo who opens her arms to have the younger closer.

“will this be enough for you, sweetheart?” mrs yoo asks as she eyes changkyun’s ice-cream. changkyun nods his head and hums. before changkyun takes a scoop of his own, he brings the cup up to mrs yoo and offers her to take a spoon or two considering she didn’t get any for herself.

“oh, no, no, sweetheart, it’s alright,” mrs yoo politely declines with a warm smile.

“b—but you didn’t get any for yourself…” changkyun says softly with reluctance as well. and once he said it he feels a punch to his stomach knowing he should’ve just kept his mouth shut. changkyun immediately lines his lips into a thin line, waiting for mrs yoo’s disapproving look or words to tell him off.

but neither of that happens.

“i’m not that big of an ice-cream fan,” mrs yoo tells him instead, and that too gently. “besides, my husband will bring over some kind of smoothie for me instead.”

changkyun nods dumbly with his eyes still somewhat wide because even when he was used to mrs yoo (and mr yoo’s) gentle treatment with him, there is always going to be this lingering black cloud at the back of his that pokes at him, reminding him how his parents (and other adults) are.

“just enjoy your ice-cream. it’s all for you,” mrs yoo reassures as she caresses the boy’s hair. 

changkyun nods silently, listening to mrs yoo as he starts eating his own ice-cream.

“how have you been doing these days, sweetheart?” mrs yoo asks gently as she fondly watches changkyun eat his ice cream. changkyun pauses then places his spoon down on the tissue to fully focus on mrs yoo.

“i—i think i’m okay…?” changkyun answers, sounding unsure himself.

if changkyun was being honest, he hasn’t exactly thought about himself that deeply yet. he hasn’t got to the point of sitting down on his own to reflect on how life has been since his last suicide attempt. sure he does notice differences here and there but the impacts weren’t so big to the point where changkyun suddenly feels like everything is _peachy_ now.

“i mean, i—um—i’m not sure,” changkyun rephrases. he brings his hesitant gaze up and is baffled really to see how understanding mrs yoo seems. there isn’t a hint of judgment. the look itself is familiar, it’s the same look kihyun gives whenever he coaxes for the younger to speak; understanding and patient. and perhaps this is what prompts changkyun to open up a little more.

“sometimes—sometimes i think i’m okay and other times i don’t really know? maybe n—not exactly don’t know but—but like it doesn’t seem so but then everything else around me seems alright.” after saying that changkyun feels like disappearing. he doesn’t even know if what he just said made sense. to him it does, or at least in his head it _did_ , but after saying it out loud he’s starting to rethink the choices of words and the sentence structure altogether.

“i’m—i’m sorry i don’t even know if what i just s—said makes sense,” the younger quickly apologizes, lowering his head in shame almost as he resorts to fiddling with his fingers now as a means of distraction.

“sweetheart, i may not understand what you’re going through but i understand what you’re trying to say,” mrs yoo tells him. and it is at this that changkyun lifts his head back up a little, timid eye looking through his lashes. “it’s okay not to be okay.”

“y—you do?” mrs yoo nods at him. “and—and you don’t mind?”

“what do you mean, sweetheart?”

“i’m—i’m a mess… you don’t mind the fact that—that kihyun is dating someone like _‘me’_?” changkyun asks softly, oh-so timidly.

the younger wants to know the truth and he braces himself for the harsh bitter truth, that maybe both kihyun’s parents are just waiting for kihyun to get over this phase of his life—the phase that consists of changkyun—and that maybe they are just keeping up whatever this is for kihyun’s sake and perhaps for changkyun’s pity as well.

he knows he shouldn’t think so lowly of the two people who had been more of a parent-figure than his actual parents in the last months then his whole eighteen years but changkyun’s demons in his head are louder than the words whimpering from his heart. what he sees—what he wants to believe—can be so quickly overshadowed that the younger begs for _words_ , actual solid words spoken for any sort of reassurance; words that will silence his demons.

“we are our own messes, i like to think that way because we are all going through our own struggles,” mrs yoo says. “maybe yours is a bit heavier than others but that doesn’t make you any less of a human being and it doesn’t invalidate the fact that you are a good person,” mrs yoo explains.

“so, to answer your question, i, as well as my husband, don’t mind it. in fact my husband and i consider you as our own, sweetheart,” mrs yoo tells him with another kind smile as she lightly pinches the younger’s cheek.

changkyun is taken completely aback by this. and this stings at changkyun’s heart for some reason. could it be from her words? or her soft-spoken tone filled with so much care? or is it the fact that kihyun’s parents—who changkyun is a complete stranger to—actually love him so much more than his own parents ever did?

changkyun has seen how much kihyun’s parents love him, he sees the glint in their eyes whenever they talk to their son and the _funny_ thing is changkyun sees this same exact glint in their eyes whenever they are around changkyun.

and suddenly changkyun wonders, did his parents ever loved him? maybe even an ounce? maybe even for a month or two? or maybe thinking (ambitiously) that they actually loved him for a few years and then stopped once they saw how changkyun was growing up to be?

the thing is changkyun doesn’t know himself. he can’t remember his younger days all that well or how his parents had treated him. he knew his grandparents were very heavily involved in changkyun’s earlier life before they passed but that was that. changkyun only came to realise how much his parents hated him when they were called to school one day because changkyun had reported being bullied. changkyun will never forget how much his parents had scolded him, which left the poor young boy confused as ever.

mr yoo and kihyun came back with their own ice-cream and smoothie (as per mentioned by mrs yoo) and the family eased into a conversation about politics where both kihyun and his father debate on while mrs yoo shakes her head and throws in snarky comments only for changkyun to hear to which the younger does giggle. after they all finished their ice-cream they headed to dinner, seeming like one family.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

it’s been almost a week now since changkyun went out to dinner with the yoo family and for the whole time since then, he has been wrecking his brain, trying to remember any significant past events in his family to indicate that they were once a happy family. changkyun didn’t need any sort of validation that his parents love him because he knows they don’t love him now but for him, it would be nice to know that they did love him at some point.

“what’s got you thinking so hard, hm?” minhyuk queries as he places another plate he just wiped back into the cabinet. changkyun watches minhyuk’s swift movements from where he is sitting on the stool at the kitchen island going from the sink to the cabinet and back again. he debates, wondering if he should bring this matter up but he knew the best chance of someone telling him would be minhyuk himself considering his older brother was there even before changkyun was born.

“minhyuk hyung, can i ask you something?” changkyun starts, hesitation is evident in his voice. minhyuk looks over his shoulder and gives the younger a small smile with a nod.

“of course you can,” he says before going back to the remaining dishes.

“will you—will you be honest with me as well?”

“i wouldn’t lie to you if it’s important, changkyun.”

changkyun nods, letting out a sigh.

“when i was born you were fourteen, right?” minhyuk hums, indicating he is right. “and mom and dad got you when you were ten?” minhyuk nods, trying to understand where the younger was going with this. “that means you were there when—when mom was pregnant with—with me...right?”

to this, minhyuk nods as well, but with much more reluctance as the memories of those nine months are slowly coming back to him, remembering his young thirteen-year-old self. for some reason, minhyuk didn’t have the heart to look at the younger, almost like he felt shameful himself for having witnessed what he did.

“were—were they happy then?” changkyun stutters as he already feels the clench in his heart for the answer he is about to hear.

he had never asked minhyuk this before because he thought it was ridiculous then. but now, he needs to know—or at least he _wants_ to know. he doesn’t know if it’ll benefit him in any way but still, it is something he deserved to know.

minhyuk didn’t answer him. the older just stays glued to his place at the sink, back still facing changkyun and he stops whatever he is doing.

“i m—mean, when they found out about me—when—when mom found out she was pregnant with me, was she—were _they_ happy?” changkyun elaborates more on what he was intending to say, thinking minhyuk didn’t get the gist of it the first time.

changkyun didn’t know why he was holding onto this meaningless hope so tightly. maybe because he knew that his parents are still good people all these while for all that they have done before changkyun was born. or maybe changkyun just wanted to believe that he was at least _wanted_ at one point in his life.

but changkyun’s eyebrows start to furrow when he notices that minhyuk hadn’t move nor did he say anything for a while now.

“hyung?”

minhyuk flinches slightly, almost dropping the plate he is holding. he quickly places the plate and the cloth down and takes in a deep breath, trying to recompose himself before turning around to offer a smile, mildly forced, at changkyun.

minhyuk remembers it vividly now, the moment their mother found out she was pregnant with changkyun and he also remembers the subsequent months along with the whole pregnancy. one thing minhyuk can say is that he had never seen _that_ side of his parents before, and back then he didn’t know how to take it all in than to just endure everything and accept things as they are.

“you know i love you, right changkyun?” minhyuk says, dodging changkyun’s question very obviously. changkyun’s frown only deepens at the sudden statement. “shownu loves you with all his heart too.”

“but hyung, i asked you something else.”

“all that doesn’t matter now,” minhyuk says, trying his best to divert the subject altogether.

“but i want to know,” changkyun says stubbornly.

“what good will it do if you know anyway?” minhyuk says desperately.

minhyuk didn’t know how or even where to start. he knew that the younger deserves to know about this but just thinking about those 9 months breaks minhyuk’s heart especially knowing how things had turned out for the younger now. he couldn’t afford to break the younger’s heart, not anymore than it already is.

he couldn’t tell him the horrid things their parents tried to do when they found out their mother was pregnant with changkyun. he couldn’t explain to him why their grandparents had ended up moving in with them up until changkyun was born. he doesn’t even have the heart to say half the things his parents had said all throughout the pregnancy.

“they didn’t,” changkyun whispers out as everything dawns upon him, knocking the last of his breath out of his chest as he feels the painful pinch in his heart. minhyuk didn’t have to say anything because the way minhyuk’s lips are wobbling, the way his hands are fidgeting and the fact that his eyes are glossy tells him everything.

“they didn’t love me.”

“changkyun—”

“they—they never loved me…” the words trail off as they sink in deeper into changkyun. “mom and dad _never_ loved me once, did they?” changkyun asks and at this point the question itself sounds rhetorical which makes it all the more heartbreaking.

minhyuk can only hug the boy into his chest as he babbles apologies after apologies which confuses changkyun as to why his brother was apologizing in the first place. he couldn’t have done anything to make their parents love him, it would have to be of their own accord. changkyun didn’t blame minhyuk and changkyun doesn’t blame his parents because it is pointless.

as changkyun slowly circles his arms around his brother to accept the hug he wonders why his heart isn’t bleeding. the truth hurts no doubt, and having it confirmed to his face is a pain he can feel in his heart. the truth should give a much harder blow to his face, ripping his heart out hearing such hurtful confirmation.

it hurts, changkyun can feel the ache in his heart as it beats against his chest, but the funny thing is it doesn’t hurt as bad as he thought it would. 


	91. Chapter 91

sometimes, when his room is so dark and when the silence of the night befalls leaving only the sound of his breathing crystal clear for him to hear, it is these moments that he wishes something else could take changkyun's mind off the fact that he _is_ breathing. somehow he finds the sound of his own breathing unsettling, maybe something wishing he isn't breathing—not this irritatingly loud.

is his breathing supposed to be this shaky? is his chest supposed to rise and fall this heavily? or is this normal? is it normal to occasionally be heaving for breath even when he can breathe perfectly fine, with no flu or blocked nose?

suddenly changkyun finds himself in a wormhole where he overanalyzes everything, more specifically the way he is breathing. he seconds guesses the number of breaths he took in one minute and he even brings his finger to his pulse point at the side of his neck, the carotid, and count the beats per minute.

then changkyun's finds it harder to breathe some more when he closes his eyes and forces himself to go to sleep. the younger ends up sitting upright in his bed to take in huge gulps of air, almost as though he has been suffocating all this while.

he didn't understand why he feels this way.

he didn't know what was making his heart go erratic one moment and why his breathing would occasionally go shallow. and now suddenly, changkyun is afraid to sleep alone, or at least with the lights out.

changkyun knows it's an irrational fear (for him at least) because all these while he had been fine with the darkness, if anything he wanted it more. the demons—his demons— are still in his head, but their whispers aren't as loud as they were before. now, it seems the darkness itself is suffocating him more, not his demons.

that's what prompts changkyun to turn on his bedside light, hoping this small light could perhaps ease whatever unsettledness he feels lumped in his chest.

he didn't know how long time had passed, he isn't exactly keeping track of it with his phone but he jumps out of his daze when he hears his phone notification going off on his bedside table.

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
can't sleep baby?

 **Changkyun:**  
how did you know...

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
got out of bed to get some water and saw that your lights are on  
everything okay?

 **Changkyun:**  
i don't know

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
how opposed are you to the idea of me coming over?

 **Changkyun:**  
kihyun :(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
baby i'm asking for your input  
or in this case indirectly asking for your permission

 **Changkyun:**  
you know i would like that :(

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
why the sad face then :(

 **Changkyun:**  
it's almost 4 am :((

 **Kihyunnie💕:**  
and i do not see the issue  
i'll be there in 10 mins ❤

changkyun wondered if the ten minutes flew by so quickly because he instantly went back into his head filled daze, only this time he focused more on his breathing and heart rate—not in the sense of trying to calm it down or pace it out evenly, but in the sense that he is trying to grip why he is feeling this way.

he couldn't exactly call this feeling _dread_ , but at the same time, it isn't anything reassuring.

it's is when changkyun hears the subtle knock on his door that his attention is brought back to reality, his head panned at his door as he watched kihyun enter and then closes the door behind him.

"i locked the front door," kihyun reassures him before wheeling closer to the younger.

changkyun can see how tired kihyun looks from the way his face is slightly pale and how his eyes are slightly droopy as well. it is the semester break for the older but changkyun knows kihyun occasionally goes off somewhere most days (saying he'll tell the younger very soon) which would leave the older completely worn off by the end of it. changkyun doesn't question what or where not when kihyun had promised to tell him _soon_ and he holds onto that.

kihyun stops by the edge of the younger's bed and changkyun take both kihyun's hands into his, staring into the older's eyes that manage to look at him so kind and lovingly despite how tired he looks. and changkyun feels bad that kihyun came all the way here when he should be resting on his own.

"was it—was it a hard day?" changkyun asks as he caresses kihyun's cheek. kihyun smiles tiredly at the younger, leaning into the younger's hand for comfort as he cups the younger's hand on his cheek.

"it was," kihyun admits.

"whatever it is, i'm so proud of you. don't give up, kihyun," changkyun says. kihyun's heart warms hearing this because the biggest push he gets to keep going is from changkyun since he is doing all this for the younger in the first place.

"i won't," kihyun tells him. "because, in the end, i know it is more than worth it." changkyun's heart lightens when hearing this, happy that kihyun has a goal he is working towards and he is not going to easily give up.

changkyun then moves to give kihyun space as he lifts himself off his wheelchair and lay down right next to changkyun. the younger turns off the light and instantly goes into kihyun's arms where the older holds him tight.

kihyun can feel changkyun's restlessness. and from their close proximity, he can also feel how fast the younger's heart is beating. he also feels the way changkyun's fists have been restlessly clenching and unclenching on their own as though it is finding something to grab onto and fidget with.

"can we—can we talk about something?" changkyun's meek voice breaks the silence in the now dark room. changkyun needs something to keep his mind off the deafening silence.

kihyun kisses the top of changkyun's head before answering, "sure baby. what do you want to talk about?"

kihyun feels changkyun's fist clenching his shirt now. the older brings one of his hands over to the tightly clenched fist and holds onto it all while the other hand caresses the back of the younger's nape.

"y—your birthday is coming up," changkyun says.

"it is," the older answers tenderly and he patiently waits for changkyun to say more. he can feel the way the younger's hands are starting to tremble in his palm and the way his breathing is getting slightly labored. so he gives the hand a light squeeze once in a while.

"do you—do you have anything p—planned?"

"nothing really. since it'll be a weekend i don't exactly have much planned," kihyun answers him. "but i do hope i can spend it with you." changkyun nods his head lightly against the older's chest.

his fists tighten again and the burn in his eyes is getting harder to stop no matter how hard he blinks.

"you can cry. it's okay." it is almost like a silent permission given to him that it is okay to cry even when he doesn't know why he wants to. changkyun lifts his head up just enough to look into kihyun's eyes, vision already quickly blurring and kihyun nods his head, whispering, "it's okay."

will crying make it better?

changkyun doesn't know honestly, but that is the only thing he can do right now—that is the only thing he knows how to cope with himself besides _self-harming_.

kihyun hugs changkyun close to his body when he feels the younger convulsing in his hold letting out quiet sobs against kihyun's chest. kihyun's hold only gets tighter when changkyun's grip gets tighter. the older buries his head in the crook of changkyun's neck as he continues to whisper sweet nothing while caressing his back.

changkyun thought maybe crying would give him a sense of why he is feeling the way he is now. but he still can't say prcisely what it is. his mind is just buzzing—it's always buzzing, maybe that is getting too much. his heart still aches—he can't tell if the wounds from before are reopening or they just haven't healed yet, maybe the pain is getting too much, again.

and maybe it is starting to overwhelm the younger not only all the bad but also the good in his life as they start weighing out each other in ways he had never expected.

changkyun never thought anyone could love him, but kihyun loves him so dearly.

changkyun never had parents who took care of him or ones he could turn to, but now he has kihyun's parents who consider him as one of their own.

changkyun never had friends who liked him for who he is or could even stand him, but kihyun's friends are more than willing to spend all their free time with him. they even go as far as _thanking_ him for being who he is, they thanked him for coming into kihyun's life.

 _it's too much_ , changkyun thinks.

he isn't used to all these good things— _these_ many good things in his life. sure, he is adjusting, slowly taking everything in and he _should_ be happy that his life is finally turning out the way he had hoped for. yet he can't shake the fear beneath it all.

what if it all starts crumbling again?

changkyun knows he won't be able to withstand another punch to his heart. he isn't as strong as he used to be.

it takes changkyun a while for his sobs to subside into tiny hiccups. it takes a while for kihyun to hear changkyun's sniffles. it takes a while for kihyun to feel changkyun's grip on him loosen and hear his much calmer breathing now.

kihyun gently moves away from the younger a little and sees that he really is asleep. the older lets out a sad sigh as he carefully wipes away the remnants of tears still visible on the younger's stained cheeks before lowering his head to kiss each of his puffy eyes. he swipes away changkyun's fallen hair and tucks it to the back of his ear as his eyes scan over the younger's features.

he is glad that he was here for the younger, that he hadn't left the younger alone but instead was able to comfort him even if all he did was hold him because kihyun knows he won't be able to forgive himself when he comes to know that changkyun had cried himself to sleep.

it is already bad as it is, his guilt.

it's been a while now that kihyun gets restless at night, too, but for different reasons. sometimes when he closes his eyes, the image changkyun lying bloodied by his bed haunts him with much more horrible outcomes than reality. the day itself has left a burning imprint in kihyun's head, a fear forever tattooed in him that anything could happen to changkyun and he knows he will go out of his mind if he wasn't there or didn't get to the younger _in time_.

there are nights where he shakes in fear and just a simple text from the younger is enough to ease him. even late-night calls that prolong until he hears the younger's soft snores through the line is enough to reassure him for that night. in moments when he can hold onto changkyun, it's almost like an instinct, a protective one, to keep his grasp tight, keep him close enough for kihyun to know changkyun won't slip away from him.

tonight, just like every other night when kihyun gets to hold changkyun, he pulls the younger close to his body and his arm tighten around his small waist and he looks down once more to make sure that changkyun is still here, that changkyun is still _breathing_ —alive.

he lets out a final heavy sigh and plants a longing kiss right on the younger's forehead before he, finally, wills himself to sleep as well. he can peacefully sleep knowing changkyun is safe in his arms.

it isn't this one night where changkyun found out about kihyun's fears. he had always thought that the older was just being extra cautious when changkyun is sitting on his lap so that he won't fall. and he had always appreciated the older's concerns and gestures.

it was a few days after changkyun's breakdown and ever since then, kihyun had been spending the night with changkyun, falling asleep in each other's arms peacefully.

today, changkyun wakes up unexpectedly early, much earlier than the early risers outside, much earlier than kihyun. the first thing changkyun sees is the silver of light coming from outside, the beautiful ultramarine blue sky mixed in with hints of orange where the sun is peeking, indicating the crack of dawn. the younger lets out a yawn as he snuggles his back into kihyun's chest that he can feel so close behind him. he sees one of kihyun's arms having a reasonable hook over his waist while the other is under changkyun's head.

changkyun wants to turn around and face the older (and snuggle into the older's chest before falling asleep again) but when he does so the older's arm hooked over his waist subconsciously tightens. this doesn't faze changkyun, not that much at least, but what did faze him is when he _thinks_ he heard kihyun whimper behind him.

changkyun another time and sure enough, kihyun whimpers with the words incoherently follow, _"please... don't go... please..."_ ,sounding so defeated, on the verge of tears. changkyun's heart breaks hearing these words from kihyun and he knows this is kihyun subconsciously talking.

this time, changkyun quickly lifts kihyun's arm up slightly and turns around quickly before dropping it back around his waist where kihyun immediately holds him back securely. kihyun whimpers another time as his head leans forward trying to find changkyun's warmth again. kihyun's whimpers stop when his head rests against changkyun's neck. the younger can hear kihyun releasing a sigh of what can only be known as sheer relief.

this is when changkyun realised that even if he is present, still here and unharmed, the memories of what he did will always haunt the people around him who love him. he doesn't only notice this fear in kihyun, he notices them in minhyuk and shownu too. all their subtle actions are finally making sense to changkyun.

changkyun understands now that even if his pain did end by leaving, that's when their pain starts.


	92. Chapter 92

"kihyun and i?" changkyun questions and shownu hums as he mindlessly flips through the channels to find something for the both of them to watch. changkyun leans back into the older's free arm as he thinks back to the question shownu had just ask him. "our first meeting was when i went over to kihyun's place to deliver the casseroles minhyuk made for him and his family. that was about two days after we first moved in," changkyun tells him.

thinking back now feels really nostalgic for changkyun.

"it's going to be two years," changkyun breathes out in disbelief at how fast time flies.

"doesn't seem like it, does it?" shownu snickers. he finally ends up settling on the mtv channel and just let random songs play for them to listen to.

"it doesn't..." changkyun says. "it's crazy." changkyun shakes his head before turning his attention back to shownu. "how about you, hyung? how did you and minhyuk hyung meet?" changkyun observes the older's reaction, going so quiet all of a sudden. he then notices the tint of red dusting his cheeks to which did amuse changkyun even more, wanting to know the cause behind this blush.

"it's embarrassing," the older mutters as he tries to laugh it off, feeling rather flustered.

"the more i want to know~" changkyun says.

"how minhyuk and i met..." shownu starts off. thinking about that one day itself sends more heat rushing to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. "it's—it's—i guess you can say that it is rather unusual." changkyun has his ears perked, anticipating to hear their story.

"minhyuk and i formally met at a college party. i mean, before that we did know of each other's existence and we did admire each other from afar but that was that. we both never had the courage to approach one another. our friends knew that we were interested in each other and somehow they had gotten us all in a circle and we played a few rounds of _'drink or dare'_ —"

"'drink or dare'?" changkyun can't help but interrupt, unsure of what game this is.

"it's either you choose to do a dare or drink a shot."

"i imagine everyone would opt for ' _drink'_ then."

"not when the shot itself is a mystery," shownu says. changkyun frowns, not quite catching the drift. "you can imagine the amount of booze there will be in a college party. minhyuk's and my friends had managed to sneak a few bottles of different types of alcohols and randomly mixed them into shot glasses. so half the time the shots were okay, tolerable, while other times it was just plain disgusting."

changkyun mouths an 'o' then nods his head.

"i really forgot how many rounds minhyuk and i already had that time, but when it was minhyuk's turn again he knew he was close to being wasted so he picked _'dare'_."

changkyun gasps. "did they dare minhyuk hyung to kiss you?"

"uhm..." shownu lets out another flustered laugh. "they—well, they dared him to give me a lap dance."

"oh," changkyun says. "oh!" the younger finally exclaims in a much more obvious shock when it finally dawns on him properly. "did hyung—"

"minhyuk gave me a lap dance," shownu confirms, cheeks so impossibly red. changkyun seems to turn red himself as well, feeling third-hand embarrassment. "we didn't hook up or anything after that, if anything we were both so embarrassed. but minhyuk did approach me the next day at college to initially apologize and we hit it off from then on," shownu says.

"but you know, as much as i wished that we could've approached each other some other way i still have to thank that moment. even if it was embarrassing, it was what brought us together because only lord knew when both of us would've mustered up the courage to approach each other."

changkyun would've questioned why shownu would thank a moment where it was completely embarrassing for them but he understands him because changkyun feels like he could relate to that statement in a way.

his mind can't help but fleet back to how he and kihyun were almost two years ago. even if his and kihyun's first encounter wasn't exactly the best, or even when their next few encounters after that weren't exactly that positive either, he had to thank those moments too (just like shownu) because it is what led them to where they are now.

"hyung, when did you first know that you love minhyuk hyung?" changkyun asks.

"i would say it was about four months into our relationship, that was when i realised i had fallen in love with minhyuk," shownu answers.

"four months..." changkyun repeats softly to himself.

"but everyone is different," shownu adds when he sees the gears working in changkyun's head. he knows that the younger is asking for his personal self and by asking, the younger is hoping to get some input from shownu and minhyuk's relationship to be sort of a guideline for his own.

changkyun looks back up at shownu with a slight frown. "what made you so certain that you had fallen in love with minhyuk hyung then?" changkyun asks now, sounding a bit skeptical. "i mean, i get the whole heart beating faster and you smile whenever they are around or that your day is better when they are around. i feel all those when i'm around kihyun, but i'm still—i don't want to call it _love_ only to realise it isn't in the end. i don't want to hurt kihyun like that," changkyun tells shownu.

shownu hums, understanding what the younger is trying to say.

"i knew i loved minhyuk because i would do anything for him to make him smile and when i can't i will always make sure to be there for him however i can. it's when i realised that meeting minhyuk was a blessing and that my days have become so much more meaningful with him in it. i think i've told you this before, but what made it all really certain was the mere thought of not having minhyuk in my future, thinking about that hurts me more than anything."

somehow, changkyun's mind thought about a possible future for him and when he thinks of the possibility that kihyun might _not_ be in it, changkyun could feel the physical ache in his heart.

_a future without kihyun?_

changkyun had spent most of his days with kihyun, all his good, and all his bad, and to think that one day kihyun might not be there next to him, to hold him, kiss him, or even whisper words he needed to hear, scares him. the thought overall scares changkyun, he will admit that much.

"those are personally what made _me_ realize my love for him. i just love him so much that i never want to take a single moment for granted when i'm with minhyuk."

changkyun smiles fondly. minhyuk truly is so lucky to have shownu. and shownu is also so lucky to have minhyuk because changkyun also knows how much minhyuk loves the older.

changkyun can go as far as to say that he himself is lucky as well to be loved by kihyun because the older has shown him so many times, not just by words but by his actions and changkyun feels them as well. he is lucky, so immensely lucky.

but he can't help but wonder would kihyun be lucky to be loved by him?

before any of this, changkyun was curious and more than anything he was longing for love that he never thought about giving it back to someone _._ but now that his curiosity is filled and his longing had been fulfilled, he wants to give it back. he wants to love someone—more specifically, he wants to love _kihyun_ the way he deserves to be loved. changkyun knows that he lacks but still, he wants to.

"is there something else?" shownu coaxes gently, seeing how lost changkyun has gotten into his own thoughts. changkyun brings his dazed gaze up to the older, hesitation pooling thick.

"will i ever get better, hyung?" changkyun asks. "or will i forever be this broken?" shownu opens his arms once more, silently beckoning for the younger to come closer. changkyun leans back against shownu's chest and lets out a sigh seeming defeated in a way. shownu closes his arms around the younger and gives him a squeeze of comfort.

"you won't forever be broken," shownu says. "i believe with the right help you can heal."

"how can i heal?"

"how about talking to someone?" he suggests carefully as he waits for changkyun's reaction. minhyuk had told the older that he did bring this matter up to changkyun about seeing someone and all those other times did not go so well. so shownu is sure to be cautious about subjects like this.

the older takes this as a (somewhat) positive sign that changkyun hasn't shown any disagreements, so far.

"will that work?" changkyun asks after a while.

"we can start from there."

"you really think so?" the skepticism is evident in his voice.

"you have us. we will always support you," shownu reassures him. "let me tell you something." changkyun nods as he looks up to shownu.

"minhyuk once told me this and i think you should know this too," shownu states. "i remember minhyuk telling me how it felt being in the orphanage. he wanted everyone to like him; the kids, the superintendent, even the caretakers because then he felt like someone would _finally_ adopt him. later on, he realized that even if everyone in the orphanage did like him, that didn't guarantee whether a family wanted him. so by the time your parents finally adopted him, most of the kids he grew up with had already found a home and the caretakers had all changed and that's when he understands that he didn't need to make people like him just to make it seem like he is worth being adopted because, in the end, it comes down to the family. he just needed to be himself; if people liked him for it then good, if they don't then so be it.

"the same goes for you, the situation between you and minhyuk might be different but the context is somewhat similar. you don't need to change who you are just to make people around you like you and to make it seem like it is worth living. when you already found two or three or maybe even _one_ person who sees you for who you are and they stick by you, that should be enough because these few people are the ones that will genuinely love you and they will support you through anything."

"i have you, minhyuk hyung, kihyun, and his friends," changkyun mumbles out loud enough for shownu to hear. shownu smiles hearing this, feeling so incredibly proud of the younger to notice this.

"exactly!"

just then changkyun's phone rings, causing the boy to jolt a little before scrambling to get it at the other end of the sofa he is sitting in.

"it's kihyun," changkyun tells shownu.

"you take the call, i'll go get a drink from the kitchen," the older tells him as he stands up then disappears into the kitchen.

changkyun quickly answers the phone with his heart thumping against his chest, the good kind, just like every other time kihyun calls him.

"kihyun..."

"hey baby!" and for some reason, he feels his cheeks heat up from how excited kihyun sounds over the line.

"hi~"

"the guys and i are going out to some cafe hyungwon discovered. we'd like you to join us—if you're free that is," kihyun tells him over the line. changkyun still needs to get used to the fact that kihyun's friends genuinely want to spend time with him as well. it is nothing too foreign since he has been spending a lot of time with all of them, but it is still rather unbelievable whenever changkyun thinks about it properly.

"i—i would love to," changkyun answers with a small smile.

"great! dress up warm, baby. i'll see you in a while."

they bid their goodbyes and changkyun quickly gets up from the sofa. he runs to the kitchen and lets shownu know that he will be going out before dashing into his room to throw on a warm sweater and changed his shorts into a pair of faded black jeans. changkyun takes a brief look at himself in the mirror, he can't help but scan over his features; this is what he gets onto whenever he looks into the mirror.

somehow today changkyun's gaze grazes over his pale features before they fall to his covered arms. he rolls up the sleeves on his left side and he sees all the cut marks that had been healed, leaving white bumps as a permanent reminder of what he had done. it had been a while since he last harmed himself and suddenly he wonders what it felt like to hold the cold blade against his skin.

he isn't going to try it now, but he is simply... wondering. more so trying to get a sense of what _that_ changkyun then thought he would feel when the blade draw crimson lines down his skin because when he looks at these scars now he can only shiver at the memories of what he had done. that changkyun months ago seemed too different, unrecognizable almost.

but changkyun doesn't get to ponder on his thoughts long. fortunately, he hears minhyuk calling for him (indicating that minhyuk had just come home), letting him know that kihyun is waiting for him outside. changkyun takes one last glance at the mirror, fixes his hair then leaves his room. he bids both shownu and minhyuk goodbye, making sure not to forget to kiss both their cheeks before walking out the front door with his phone and wallet shoved into his back pocket.

changkyun sees the older waiting for him by the curb near his house and he can't help the smile widening on his lips.

"kihyun!" the younger calls excitedly as he runs to the aforementioned male, unable to stop himself really. kihyun looks up and mirrors the exact same wide smile on his own lips. changkyun bends down in front of kihyun just enough so that their eyes meet in an equal level.

"my baby's happy," kihyun says with his own chest warming up seeing the gleam in the younger's eyes—this genuine spark of light that he had missed. changkyun giggles before he cups kihyun's cheeks and leans in for a sweet kiss. kihyun happily kisses back, holding onto both of changkyun's hands. when they pull apart kihyun plants a few delicate pecks on changkyun's upper lip then leaves a longing peck on the tip of the younger's cold nose.

"i love you," kihyun whispers, and changkyun is sure he will never get tired of hearing these words from kihyun, ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a few more chapters left. Hang in there!💜


	93. Chapter 93

“i don’t know if i should get something sweet or… something chocolaty,” changkyun rambles as he mindlessly swings his hand that is intertwined with kihyun’s while they make their way to the nearby gongcha store for a short date before they meet up with their friends in an hour or two.

“isn’t chocolate already considered sweet?” kihyun asks as he adjusts the changkyun’s camera strap around his neck. changkyun softly glares down at the older.

“you’re really no help, kihyun,” the younger huffs. kihyun snickers, bringing the younger’s hand up to his lips to place an endearing kiss on it. “what are you getting anyways?” the younger asks.

“black coffee,” kihyun simply answers like it is the most obvious thing. changkyun stops in his tracks to stare at kihyun incredulously this time. “what?” kihyun retorts, feeling rather judged by the younger’s gaze on him.

“we’re going to a bubble tea store and you’re going to order _black coffee_?”

“yea? what’s your problem with it? i’m the one who’ll be drinking it anyway,” kihyun says with a raised brow.

“you’re boring,” changkyun simply says as they continue their way to the store.

“excuse me?” kihyun questions with a hint of playfulness.

“boring. i said you’re _bo-ring_ ,” changkyun repeats the word, being sure to drag the last word for a much dramatic effect.

“you’re dating this _bo-ring_ person,” kihyun says, purposely emphasizing the same words as changkyun did.

changkyun goes silent for a moment with the crimson tint spreading across his cheeks, warming it up as well. somehow the mention that both he and kihyun are dating or any spoken indication that implements they are _boyfriends_ always seem to make changkyun shy, as though it is his first time hearing it.

changkyun can’t help but think how lucky he has gotten in the relationship aspect as well; to have someone as understanding, loving, and patient as kihyun is truly a blessing for changkyun and he wouldn’t ever think of giving this up with kihyun.

“i mean, he isn’t too bad—most of the time,” changkyun mumbles jestly, and kihyun hears it all. he pulls changkyun to stop in front of him with his eyebrows raised suggestively.

“most of the time?”

before changkyun has a chance to reply, someone rudely pushes kihyun’s wheelchair to the side causing kihyun to fall on his side with his wheelchair. thankfully changkyun manages to hold onto both of kihyun’s arms to steady him and have him sit back properly in his wheelchair. kihyun manages to grab onto the camera with one hand making sure it doesn’t hit the ground and the other clutching onto changkyun’s arm tightly with his heart beating erratically in his chest from that sudden scare.

“hey!” changkyun yells angrily at the stranger that so rudely pushed kihyun over. changkyun doesn’t know exactly where this newfound courage came from because as far as he knows he doesn’t dare defend himself, not even up to this day, but something in changkyun boils infuriatingly seeing the way kihyun gets mistreated simply because he is in a wheelchair.

the man, dressed smartly in a suit whilst carrying a briefcase in one hand and a phone against his ear in the other seems to be in his mid-thirties, turns around to glare at both changkyun and kihyun. the man clearly looks annoyed with the overall situation and perhaps that’s what angers changkyun even more because that man has no right to be angry when he was the one finding trouble in the first place.

“changkyun—” kihyun tries to pull the younger back.

“can’t you see where you’re going?” changkyun ripostes towards the stranger. the stranger growls as he puts the phone he was holding against his ear down to his waist.

“ _handicaps_ should not simply stop in the middle of the sidewalk where people are rushing to get to work. just because _they_ get some leeway _they_ think they own the whole sidewalk,” the stranger spits and it is very obvious that it is directed right at kihyun at the way he disgustingly emphasized the pronoun.

changkyun knows that kihyun’s heart hurts hearing this because changkyun’s own heart breaks hearing such insults towards his boyfriend.

“how dare y—hey!” changkyun calls back to the stranger who simply just walks away mid-conversation, never bothering to look at them again.

“changkyun, baby,” kihyun calls gently while tugging his arm, trying to get the aforementioned male to look at him.

“kihyun he didn’t even apologize,” changkyun says, clearly upset as he turns back to kihyun. kihyun smiles sadly at him as he holds onto both changkyun’s upper arms and pulls him down gently to bend in front of him.

“it’s okay,” kihyun reassures.

“no, it’s _not_ okay,” changkyun presses.

“baby, i’m used to it. so it’s okay.” and hearing that breaks changkyun’s heart even more.

“you—you shouldn’t be used to all this. this isn’t fair. he’s only being a meanie because he can walk but that doesn’t give him the right to treat people who are different so badly. i know it hurts you, kihyun. please don’t push this aside and say it’s okay because it isn’t.”

“changkyun—”

“why do people think it makes you any different just because you can’t walk like everyone else?”

“hey now,” kihyun calls as he squeezes both changkyun’s arms. “why are you so upset, baby? i’m alright, aren’t i?”

“kihyun, you deserve respect too. you’re a human being too,” changkyun tells him sadly.

kihyun can only muster a small smile and it’s clear that it is infused with a hint of sadness because really he doesn’t know anything else to say. he is used to these kinds of treatment from people and no amount of fights or scolding will change them.

changkyun sighs. he cradles kihyun’s jaw in his palms delicately with his gaze focused at the older. “are you okay? are you hurt anywhere?” changkyun asks now, filled with concern.

it did hurt him (emotionally), but more than anything he feels such fondness for the younger who stood up for him. his changkyun, who is too shy to speak up to anyone he isn’t familiar with, spoke up for him to a stranger who insulted him. not that he would ever want changkyun to get into arguments for him, but the fact that the younger did, going against his own pleads, warms his heart.

“i love you,” kihyun says instead because he just has to. how can he not say it to the boy who deserves to hear it the most?

the younger’s heart stutters but at the same time, he frowns for not getting the answer he was looking for.

“i know you do,” changkyun says softly as he grazes his thumb over the older’s cheek. and even if kihyun doesn’t say these words changkyun already sees his love pooling in kihyun’s eyes transparently.

it’s so blatant that kihyun loves changkyun, no doubt.

“but did he hurt you in any way?”

“if it makes you feel any better, i don’t feel as affected as i did before,” kihyun says, trying to appease changkyun’s concern, but it does little.

yet kihyun isn’t lying.

maybe months before kihyun would start blaming himself for being the way he is and pity himself for _embarrassing_ changkyun. but kihyun has come to terms with the way he is, maybe not fully, but just enough, especially when he is with changkyun. as shy and meek changkyun is, the younger never fails to reassure the older in his own soft-spoken way.

“you’re still hurt,” the boy pouts feeling helpless that he can’t do much to help.

“a kiss would make it better,” kihyun suggests cheekily to (hopefully) lighten the mood.

“kihyun~”

“i’m not lying,” kihyun tells him. changkyun shrugs before leaning in to give a peck on kihyun’s lips and he gives an extra peck on the older’s forehead before looking into his eyes, concerned once more.

“i’m sorry i couldn’t do anything…” kihyun just smiles at him and pecks the younger’s nose.

“nonsense,” he states. “i know that talking to people you aren’t familiar with, especially adults, makes you uncomfortable but you did it anyway.”

“he was being unreasonably rude to you,” changkyun mutters softly, gaze dropping slowly as he doesn’t exactly see the big deal out of this. kihyun gently hooks his finger under the younger’s chin to bring his gaze back up to him.

“and yet you stood up for me against that man. you know how proud i am of you for doing that?”

changkyun’s gaze falters slightly as they tremble looking right at kihyun. somehow the endearment seems to overflow from the older, and changkyun feels overwhelmed. the younger hadn’t really put much thought into what he had done. his mind only screamed _‘protect kihyun’_ that he didn’t realise he has overridden one of his fears completely in that spur of the moment for kihyun.

“i’m so proud of you, baby,” kihyun says softly, so lovingly. changkyun’s lips curve up slightly hearing that kihyun is proud of him but more than anything changkyun is proud of himself, though he won’t say it out loud.

“are you really okay?” changkyun asks one more time.

kihyun nods his head. he takes both of changkyun’s hands and brings them up to his lips to kiss his cold knuckles. “thank you.”

they continue making their way to the gongcha store. changkyun opens the door and lets kihyun enter before closing behind them. changkyun looks around and sighs in relief that the store barely has any customers, meaning it’ll be quiet. the younger prefer places that are quiet especially when he’s on a date with kihyun because then their moments won’t suddenly be interrupted, it also helps his social anxiety.

they head to the counter, being greeted by the friendly cashier. kihyun adamantly chooses to order _gsc black coffee_ while changkyun orders _winter melon tea with pearl (with a generous, creamy layer of fresh milk foam)._ once they get their drinks they settle at a two-seated table. changkyun places the extra chair to the side of their table sp that kihyun fits perfectly and places changkyun’s camera on the extra chair while the younger takes his own seat in front of kihyun.

changkyun had let kihyun try his drink and almost instantly after swallowing the sip he cringes at how sweet the drink tastes overall. changkyun sees this and rolls his eyes.

“dramatic,” the younger claims. this time it is kihyun’s turn to roll his eyes before he takes a huge gulp of his black coffee to wash down the taste. changkyun takes back his drink and takes a few satisfying sips.

“jooheon told me you bought me something really cute for my birthday,” kihyun says. changkyun pauses from the sip he is taking before looking up at kihyun with wide eyes.

“he didn’t tell you what it is, did he?” changkyun asks, almost seeming panicked. kihyun’s gift that changkyun got for him isn’t anything expensive or big, it is something he could easily afford, but it is meaningful, and that’s all that matters to the younger. he had asked kihyun’s friends for their opinion and once he had told them what he had gotten they said kihyun _might_ like it which is already a positive note for changkyun. even if kihyun likes it a little, it is still good enough for the younger.

“i tried asking him but he just wouldn’t tell,” kihyun says with a sigh and a fake pout. changkyun slaps kihyun’s hand that is holding his hand.

“good. stay in the dark until then.”

“my curiosity is piqued beyond control now.”

“not my problem,” the younger dismisses smugly before going back to enjoy his drink. kihyun snickers with sheer amusement.

the older has seen how much changkyun has grown out of his shell from the first time they met and really every time he thinks about how comfortable the younger has gotten with him, from being the timid boy who was constantly afraid to voice out anything to him (partially because of kihyun’s own fault too) to someone who talks to him so care-freely, churns his insides and warms his heart.

he feels a sense of pride in a way; even if he did little to help changkyun’s recovery, still he gets to see the younger as he is now, someone who is fighting every day with his demons and at the same time trying to find his own purpose in his life by living, spending time with the ones that love him and also slowly picking up the things that used to interest him.

“about christmas,” changkyun starts after a while, bringing kihyun’s attention back to the younger. “i would love to spend christmas dinner with you and your family,” changkyun finally gives him the answer.

kihyun had asked the younger about how he felt spending christmas dinner with him and his family over at his aunt’s place at _goyang-si_. kihyun did catch on the younger’s hesitation at the beginning when he explained how he would be spending christmas dinner with his own parents and so the older had asked his parents about the younger spending christmas with them because he for one would not allow such heartless people (that claim to be changkyun’s parents) to ruin the younger’s christmas.

“my parents would be so happy to hear this,” kihyun tells him, genuinely so happy. “and i’m so fucking happy to be spending christmas this year with you, baby.”

of course, changkyun’s cheek flushes red, nothing new. but changkyun realises something when they start talking about their plans for christmas day. the younger’s legs are bouncy in a restless manner and the smile on his lips is so wide that it reaches his eyes making it glint with specks of happiness. changkyun even notices the way his heart is picking up momentum from the sheer anticipation.

that is when changkyun realises that for the first time he is really looking forward to christmas.


	94. Chapter 94

it is kihyun’s birthday.

needless to say, changkyun is nervous.

one of changkyun’s clammy hand clutches onto both his gift for kihyun and the bouquet of flowers he just bought (a mix between baby pink lilies and red roses) while the other keeps rubbing against his jeans, trying to get the sweat off. he is dressed in a black long-sleeved turtleneck tucked into his usual light-wash jeans since in a while kihyun and his family are all heading out for dinner for kihyun’s birthday and they had so kindly invited the younger to join along.

he knew there was no reason to be nervous. it is just kihyun, and changkyun thinks that his gift for him is reasonably okay—he might be second-guessing now, but he still thinks it is (somewhat) decent… hopefully.

after exhaling for the nth time, changkyun rings the doorbell, and almost instantly he hears the patters of footsteps approaching the door, and then he is greeted by mrs yoo who already wears a wide smile upon seeing the younger.

“hi sweetheart!” mrs yoo greets sweetly as she brings the boy into a hug. changkyun greets her back, smiling brightly as well. she closes the door behind them then eyes the gifts in changkyun’s hand. “oh, sweetheart, he’s going to love them!”

changkyun looks down at the wrapped gift and bouquet one more time before looking back up at mrs yoo. “it’s quite simple though…”

“sweetheart, for all he cares you can get him a rock and he will still love it because it’s from you,” mrs yoo tells him and changkyun blushes slightly.

“i—i would never give him a rock,” the younger says bashfully and mrs yoo can’t help but coo at the younger, lightly pinching his cheek out of endearment.

“isn’t kihyun a lucky one,” mrs yoo says fondly. and of course, just like that changkyun is rendered speechless. he doesn’t know how true this statement is yet everyone around kihyun always seems to tell changkyun so. “alright, go along, sweetheart. he has been waiting for you since morning.”

changkyun bows slightly at mrs yoo out of respect before walking to stand in front of kihyun’s door. he has another mental debate of course with his palms becoming all sweaty once more. but he quickly sucks it up. it will only make him much worse if he stays outside pondering scenarios that might _not_ even happen.

so he knocks whilst holding his breath.

when changkyun hears the soft ‘come in’, he exhales heavily, mentally praying for whatever will happen inside to go right (mostly for kihyun to somewhat like his gift). changkyun opens the door with much reluctance.

“hey mom,” kihyun says obliviously from where he sits by his desk, back facing the door. “is changkyun already here?” changkyun stills momentarily hearing his name, blinking several times before deciding to enter and close the door. a small smile plays on the younger’s lip as mrs yoo’s words stay true, kihyun is indeed waiting for the younger.

kihyun turns around in his wheelchair when he oddly did not get an answer back only for a huge smile to spread across his face in seconds and this smile itself eases changkyun’s erratic beating heart filled with unnecessary worries.

“changkyun!” 

kihyun moves away from his desk to go over to the younger. he opens his arms, silently beckoning for the younger to come to him. changkyun carefully places down his gift and the bouquet on kihyun’s bed before climbing onto his lap and circling his arms around his neck, hugging tight, bringing the older’s head into his chest

“happy birthday kihyunnie,” changkyun whispers to kihyun’s ear. the younger then places a kiss on kihyun’s nape and another at the side of his face before kihyun himself kisses changkyun on the lips.

“you’ve already wished me twelve on the dot, by the way,” kihyun chaffs as he nuzzles his nose against the younger’s cheek eliciting ruptures of giggles from him. changkyun had waited until midnight just to wish kihyun and the older couldn’t be anymore touched that the younger had stayed awake just for it.

“wishing through the phone and wishing in person holds two different meanings. i believe it is more meaningful to wish in person,” the younger clarifies.

the older then turns to look at his bed and his eyes immediately land on the bouquet placed on it. “pretty flowers,” kihyun compliments, giving changkyun a grateful smile.

“the flowers—oh, that was last minute actually…” changkyun admits meekly. “minhyuk hyung drove me to the florist to get it this morning. you know, just in case the gift isn’t to your liking.”

“baby, you didn’t have to,” kihyun says gently as he fondly caresses the younger’s cheek. “you really didn’t have to get me anything honestly and even if you did i would love anything you give me, simple or not.”

“that’s what your mom said…”

“well, she does know me well.” kihyun snickers. he takes one more look at the flowers to admire what changkyun had bought him so thoughtfully. “did you pick the colours out?”

the younger hums, eyes tracing over the flowers and he feels content now, relieved even that kihyun likes his pick. “the flowers too,” changkyun adds. “are they okay?”

“they’re beautiful. thank you, baby.” kihyun beams at the younger, so utterly grateful for the younger’s effort when really he didn’t need to go this far just for kihyun.

“i love you,” the older whispers tenderly to changkyun, so raw, dripping with sincerity that once again, changkyun’s stomach erupts with butterflies hearing these words.

 _i know you do, kihyun_ , changkyun wants to say this but it just doesn’t seem enough, not with what he’s feeling inside. just these words that he had been saying all these didn’t seem enough now, not for this moment—not for this man in front of him.

instead, changkyun kisses kihyun, hoping this will be enough, for now, and who is kihyun to reject such sentiment. kihyun rests one hand on the younger’s lower back while the other cups the back of his neck, gently pushing the younger closer to him to deepen the kiss and changkyun follows along with the momentum, eyes closed in bliss and oxygen slowly losing but he didn’t care, not when kihyun is kissing him so fervently. it’s like the older cannot get enough of changkyun and changkyun is just as equal, so hungry, desperate to cling onto this breathtaking affection.

“the flowers aren't your only gift, you know,” changkyun reminds him breathless with a small smile, lips completely swollen as he pants lightly against kihyun’s forehead. kihyun lets out a breathless chuckle and leans in to tenderly place butterfly kisses over the younger’s swollen lips.

“i can’t wait to see it. but before that, could you stand for a moment, baby?” kihyun asks softly. changkyun complies without asking anything. kihyun looks up to changkyun, eyes filled to the brim with so much love. kihyun squeezes both the younger’s hands. “can you close your eyes for me too?” changkyun raises a brow curiously at this but seconds later complies again, closing his eyes.

“shouldn’t this be the other way around?” changkyun queries with a light giggle. the older doesn’t answer him but the younger does feel kihyun place a chaste kiss on his knuckles before letting it go completely.

changkyun waits patiently. he strains his _ear_ trying to get the slightest clue of what kihyun is doing. he hears rustling and he definitely hears kihyun’s wheelchair moving around. the last sound changkyun hears is the odd scraping of something against the floor which seems to be coming closer to him but changkyun can’t be too sure. then it goes silent for a moment.

“kihyun?” changkyun calls after a while.

“i’m right here, baby,” kihyun reassures, voice sounding close.

“why do i have to close my eyes anyways,” the younger asks.

“i want to thank you, changkyun,” kihyun tells him rather vaguely. changkyun frowns, not quite understanding what kihyun was thanking him for.

changkyun can’t say anything to that when he suddenly feels kihyun’s lips on his once again and changkyun happily accepts the kiss without thinking much of how extra kihyun is being for a simple ‘thank you’ kiss.

“isn’t this a cheesy way to say _thank you_?” changkyun says, blatantly referring to the kiss once they pull away.

he hears kihyun chortle quietly, lips so close that he feels the soft vibration of it against his own lips. changkyun feels kihyun’s lips on his yet again. kihyun goes all in for this one like he did before. changkyun can feel kihyun lightly tracing over the side of his face then gently cradles his jaw.

changkyun is enjoying the kiss, slowly drowning in the pleasure once more that he elicits a low moan when kihyun slips his tongue into his mouth. changkyun is losing his senses, wanting to surrender to the pleasure when his focus goes back to kihyun’s feathery touches moving silkily along the side of his face, sometimes playing with his hair and other times simply caring for the skin beneath his fingertips.

changkyun stills completely.

the younger is _standing_ —that’s what hits him the hardest.

changkyun immediately pulls away from the kiss when it properly dawns upon him. he is standing which makes it fairly impossible for kihyun to be touching his face, to be kissing him on his—

then a soft gasp leaves changkyun’s lips when he opens his eyes only to be staring right _at_ kihyun. kihyun is standing, not fully as he is supported by the adjustable walker, but nonetheless, kihyun is _standing_.

changkyun can only gape mutely at the male before him, trying to form any sort of coherent sentences to come close to addressing his shock. but nothing comes to mind. he’s blank, speechless, eyes open wide as he stares at kihyun that’s looking right into his own eyes, _standing_ , with a smile.

“i hope the surprise isn’t anything too overbearing,” kihyun says after a while when he realizes that changkyun is not going to say anything any time soon.

changkyun’s own eyes start to burn as they quickly cloud with tears, unsure of how to comprehend this properly. just minutes before he saw kihyun in his wheelchair and now he is _standing_. the one-time changkyun has ever seen kihyun even remotely close to standing was the day he had proposed to help kihyun walk, in this very room, and that too with changkyun’s full help.

but now kihyun is _standing_ on his own.

kihyun leans his weight on one side of the adjustable walker while his free hand lifts up to cup one of the younger’s cheeks.

“say something…” kihyun whispers, a soft plead.

the first of the many tears start falling as changkyun’s lips wobble, attempting to say something, anything.

“baby…”

changkyun gives up trying to muster a single word. instead, he hugs the older tightly, disregarding the metal adjustable walker between them. he doesn't care, he just wants to hug kihyun. kihyun lets go of the adjustable walker fully to wrap both his arms around the younger boy who is now fully crying in his chest.

kihyun tries to pacify the overwhelmed boy but changkyun couldn’t come close to listening to him, not when his own mind tries to fully understand what he is seeing right now. changkyun knows it's a simple fact: kihyun is standing now, kihyun _can_ stand now, but that fact feels like it has just been hurled at him without any prior warning.

the younger does eventually calm down after a good while with lots of soft kisses planted along the top of his head and kihyun’s constant caress on his back as well as nonstop sweet nothings whispered to him. changkyun sniffles a few times as he pulls away at arms’ length and looks kihyun up and down a few times and he starts tearing up once more in disbelief.

“baby…” kihyun softly says, grazing his thumb over the younger’s wet eyes.

“yo—you’re tal—taller t—than me,” is the first thing changkyun says and kihyun laughs endearingly at his boyfriend’s cute reaction.

“i hope it’s not a bad thing,” kihyun teases, trying to lift changkyun’s mood.

“i—” changkyun pauses another moment. “you—you’re standing…” changkyun is just in utter awe as fresh tears cloud his eyes once again. “you’re—” changkyun didn’t even try getting the words out because he knows it’ll be useless.

“aw baby~” kihyun coos.

he guides the younger over to his bed and they both sit on it together. changkyun curls his legs around the older’s lower waist with his arms circled around under his arms, clinging onto kihyun like a koala.

they stay that way for a minute, letting changkyun cry out whatever he needs to while kihyun holds him close, rocking the both of them front and back while he hums a familiar soft tune to calm him down.

when the sniffles quiet down, kihyun peers down to look at the boy who is rubbing his head lightly into kihyun’s chest as he stares into nothing. kihyun draws back to look at changkyun properly.

“are you better now, baby?” kihyun asks.

changkyun nods a little after a while. kihyun kisses both his swollen eyes and his red lips then brings the younger into his embrace once more. changkyun snuggles up close, wanting nothing more than to bask in kihyun’s safe arms. changkyun tries not to pay full mind to the fact that he can’t hear the light thuds of kihyun’s heartbeat through his _left_ ear but he tries to ease his mind with the fact that he can at least _feel_ the thuds.

“wh—when?”

“when did i start going for therapy?” changkyun nods because he knows he won’t be able to say a full sentence without stuttering further. “i would say about a month or so after your first discharge from the hospital,” kihyun tells him as he gently cards through the younger’s hair to calm him down further.

“all—all the other times you left with—without telling m—me—”

“—was because of therapy,” kihyun finishes it for him, seeing his struggle to speak. “my doctor told me that i’m making good progress and that it would be best that i start using the walker and use less of my wheelchair,” kihyun explains. “i thought why not give you a little surprise today.” he kisses on the younger’s cheek to which the younger whines, burying his red face into kihyun’s chest muttering a muffled _‘meanie’_.

“wh—why…?” is the question changkyun asks now and kihyun knew this was coming. “i—i thought you—you didn’t want th—therapy…” the younger says timidly, vaguely remembering the older’s words.

“for you,” kihyun simply answers.

“wh—what?”

kihyun pushes the younger’s fallen hair behind his ear before tipping his chin. “i want to be the man that you deserve to have. i want to protect you with all i have.”

“but you are,” changkyun presses. “you are and you do. it’s like i said before; you are everything and more i could’ve asked for, kihyun.”

“still, there were so many chances, if not at your school then outside of it, that i knew i could’ve protected you but i couldn’t. there were so many moments too before where i wished i could’ve just stood up and—and done something for you, to help you.”

“oh, kihyun…” changkyun mumbles.

“i didn’t think i deserved to walk after what happened,” kihyun says. “i still feel the same if i’m being honest. it’s like a tug at my heart just knowing that the person who was meant to be here isn’t while the person who deserves to die—” changkyun instantly places his index finger against kihyun’s lips to stop him from speaking further.

“don’t—don’t say that please,” changkyun pleads. “besides minhyuk and shownu hyung, i had no one before i met you.” kihyun knows this well, and hearing it from the younger always hurts knowing that changkyun really had nobody to rely on before.

“you’ve given me so much in my life than i’ve ever gotten for the last seventeen years. you’ve given me friends, a family, and love. i will forever be thankful for that and will forever be thankful for you.”

kihyun’s heart stuttered. he has hurt changkyun multiple times and yet here he is, professing his gratitude to kihyun whom most people damned him.

“there were so many days where i wanted to just give up," kihyun opens up honestly. "but i don’t know, just thinking about you, thinking about all i could do for you if i did this—that’s what kept me going.”

changkyun thinks back to the times kihyun would ask him for a hug and a kiss before he left and when he came back from his appointment, most times he would lok so exhausted but still, he smiled for changkyun.

“you’ve come so far,” changkyun says, smiling lovingly at the older. “i’m so proud of you, kihyun!” changkyun’s eyes are gleaming so bright and perhaps this is why kihyun’s heart clenched, in a good way. this is what he wanted to see, the sheer gleam glowing from the younger's eyes. 

changkyun rests his palms on kihyun’s cheeks as his gaze focuses on kihyun solely. “i know you still believe that you don’t deserve to walk, but from what you and the guys have told me before it’s not fully your fault, kihyun, not to the extent other people blame you for. it wasn’t even you who crashed into your friend’s car, it was the other way around and you know this, everybody else knows this too. you’re not the murderer they say you are,” changkyun tells him. kihyun lets out a small sigh, a hand resting against one of changkyun’s hands on his cheek.

“i know it’s not easy believing something you’ve been told to believe for a long time. believe me, i know how that feels and—and i know it’s hard to change what we thought we knew, but we’re all here to remind you why you deserve to walk just as much as you deserve to be here today. so what if you’ve been a dickhead, you’ve changed since then. i see it, even your friends see it,” changkyun pipes, remembering the words jooheon had told him before.

“i’m honoured that i could be your motivation to push you through with this therapy and i am so proud of you, so freaking proud of how far you’ve made it, but don’t let it only be me that’s pushing you forward to keep going. do it for yourself too, that’s the most important.”

kihyun slowly intertwines with changkyun’s hand and brings it over to his lips. changkyun’s words struck him deep and he wants to believe every single one of the younger’s words but changkyun is right, it will be hard, especially when he had convinced himself that it was his fault that his friend died that night. but he wants to try, and he is willing to listen and let the words of the people that care for him soak into his tainted heart and slowly, eventually, pull him out of his guilt.

“i love you,” kihyun whispers against changkyun’s hand, lips ghosting over his knuckles that sends odd tingles through changkyun’s body. kihyun can’t say more than these words. it’s almost like nothing else could come close to justify how fucking grateful kihyun is to have changkyun, to _love_ changkyun.

“i love you so fucking much, changkyun, you have no idea.” kihyun’s heart bleeds, desperately wanting the boy to know that every single time he utters these words they aren’t just for the sake of it. he really has fallen hard for this boy that at this rate he doesn’t care if he is falling alone. as long as he can stay by the younger’s side and just show him all the love he has to offer for him, kihyun can be content with that.

“kihyun—” changkyun starts, seeming almost confident when he begins but then faltering to a stop at the upcoming words. kihyun is already looking at him expectantly, wondering what the boy was going to say.

changkyun moves his hips forward to be closer to kihyun and kihyun instinctively circles his arms around the younger’s waist to keep him securely near and he patiently waits for what changkyun has to say. changkyun’s casts his gaze down to kihyun’s arms around his waist and he lets it linger there, unsure if his gaze will falter if he attempts to look at kihyun now.

“i don’t know why—i think i’m becoming selfish when it comes to you,” changkyun admits, letting out a dry chuckle. “i—i always want to be with you and i want everything to do with you. when you’re not around i somehow always think of you and sometimes i even end up missing you even when we’re not that far away.” changkyun pauses, finally lifting his gaze up. “do you feel the same?” changkyun questions, slightly hesitant.

“i do, all the time,” kihyun admits as well.

“i feel—i feel so safe with you. i’m never judged when i’m around you and you’re always so—so patient with someone like me. i truly am lucky, aren’t i?” changkyun mutters rhetorically with a small smile gracing his lips.

kihyun doesn’t answer. he can only wordlessly stare down at the younger. 

“the other day shownu hyung told me how the mere thought of not having minhyuk hyung in his future hurts him and you know what, without a second thought i—i thought of you. i thought about a future where—where you’re n—not in it,” changkyun chokes out these words heavily because it does physically hurt his heart to think it let alone say it out loud.

“i’m scared, kihyun,” changkyun whimpers. “just—just thinking about a day where i won’t get to see you, or you talk to me or kiss me or even just hold me, scares me so much and it hurts—it really hurts thinking about it,” changkyun says.

“does it hurt for you too, thinking that i won’t be there with you in the future?” changkyun asks him now.

it almost feels like a painful jab in kihyun’s heart hearing this because he has always feared since that day that one day he will lose his grasp on changkyun he won’t be there to catch him when he falls or he will simply be too late to do anything. 

“it—it does,” kihyun croaks. “every fucking time.”

changkyun wipes away the stray tear from kihyun’s cheek, a lone tear he didn’t even realise had fallen.

“i love you, kihyun,” changkyun confesses.

kihyun stills.

changkyun had not planned to confess today, and to be honest he didn’t exactly know when he was going to anyway. he had thought about it, thought about a lot of things really. he thought about what kihyun had told him and what both minhyuk and shownu had told him. he thought about it for a long while, pondered over it and of course, hesitated with his own insecurities. but it felt right, this moment, saying these words now, it feels so right that changkyun doesn’t even regret it. his heart is beating so fast and so hard but it’s one of those rare occasions where it doesn’t hurt him.

kihyun is sure he had heard changkyun just confess to him, so clear, and yet it almost seems like a mind game since it had been something he was hoping the younger would say for a while now and he finally has. kihyun had always thought he would be dramatic in some way if changkyun were to confess reciprocating his love— maybe cry, or scream, or curse excessively (in much happiness of course), yet kihyun did neither of those.

kihyun leans in closer to changkyun, their noses touching and their lips inches apart. “again,” kihyun says, slightly above a whisper. his own eyes tremble as he waits silently, begging for changkyun to repeat those words, to solidify them with his voice and embed it into kihyun’s mind.

“yoo kihyun, i love you,” changkyun repeats, delicately cradling kihyun’s jaw with his shaky palms and a smile so beautiful etched on the younger’s lips. and kihyun feels like his heart could just burst in sheer euphoria with his smile mirroring that of changkyun’s.

kihyun had never been in a relationship where he had eventually loved his partner. changkyun is his first; first serious relationship, his first true love. kihyun never once fretted about love before, if anything he was beyond puzzled as to why people made such a big deal about it. he only understood it when he had fallen in love himself.

he understands the pain it brings from unrequited love. he understands the fear of losing someone so precious to him. he understands the euphoric feeling coursing through his veins when the love is reciprocated.

and changkyun, he is still learning all that he needs to know about love. he knows that nobody can fully understand love as a whole because it is still a huge mystery but he does know that as painful as love is, it can also be something so beautiful. he knows that loving someone is as worthy as them loving him. and he knows that he will do all he can to cherish this person he loves so dearly, this much changkyun knows, and he hopes he will learn more along the way.

they both didn’t delve into a hungry, lustful kiss, it didn’t seem needed. instead, they share a brief sweet kiss then engulf each other in a tight hug. they didn’t need anything more. this is enough for now, being able to feel their heartbeat excitedly for one another in each other’s warm arms is more than enough.

a knock comes on kihyun’s door and they both simultaneously turn their heads to see mrs yoo peering into the room. she squeals when she sees the both of them and she knows that changkyun already knew about kihyun from the visible adjustable walker in front of them.

“mom?”

“so, how was changkyunnie’s reaction?” mrs yoo chirps. changkyun whines, hiding his face into the older chest out of embarrassment. kihyun chuckles fondly as he cradles the younger into his arms.

“unexpected, really,” kihyun tells her.

“the good kind i hope.”

“the best.”

“i’m glad,” she tells them “anyways, just wanted to let you know that your dad is getting ready and we’ll be leaving soon.”

“alright mom,” kihyun says. she gives the both of them one last smile before closing the door. kihyun looks back down at the younger who started playing with the frayed threads at the corner of kihyun’s shirt.

“you alright there, baby?” kihyun asks softly, and changkyun nods. changkyun’s eyes shift from the frayed thread to the purple parcel close to them and he leans back from kihyun almost abruptly, completely forgetting about his other gift for kihyun.

“you still haven’t opened your actual present,” the younger says with a pout. he leans forward to grab the gift. kihyun gives a kiss to the younger’s nose before taking it. changkyun watches with anticipated eyes as kihyun carefully opens the small parcel. he puts the purple wrapping paper to the side then opens the box and his grin only widens with an amused snicker following along.

kihyun takes out the white ceramic mug from the box but that’s not what amused the older. it is the fact that the mug had a small-sculpted hand showing the middle finger right in it.

“so?” the younger drawls out unsurely. “i mean, it is simple and i know it’s not exactly—” kihyun shuts the younger up with a peck to his lips.

“i love it,” kihyun tells him sincerely and changkyun’s eyes instantly widen.

“really?”

“i’m not just saying it because it’s from you,” kihyun clarifies. “it’s unique and i think it fits my personality well. so yes, i love it.” changkyun beams happily at the older, giving him another squeeze.

they decide to get off kihyun’s bed considering they will be leaving soon for dinner. changkyun gets up first then waits for kihyun to do so on his own. kihyun grasps tightly onto the adjustable walker and carefully pulls himself up to his feet and changkyun is still trying to wrap his head around this.

“don’t cry on me again, please.” changkyun pouts, feeling his turn glossy once again. “baby, it’s really nothing that big,” kihyun tries to coax him.

“no, leave me alone,” the younger whines as the tears now cling to his lashes. “i can cry all i want for this because i’m so happy for you,” the younger mutters as he wipes the tears that are threatening to fall with his sleeves. 

kihyun shakes his head at the younger before _walking_ to him. he sighs when he sees a few tears had streamed down his cheeks. kihyun hooks an arm around the younger’s waist to pull him closer.

“you know, i didn’t tell you this for you to cry…" changkyun leans against the older’s shoulder and sniffles a few times. "for how long will you cry about this, hm?” 

“maybe—maybe one week?”

“you’re that dramatic, huh?” kihyun quips. changkyun smacks the older’s chest at this.

“m’ not dramatic,“ changkyun mumbles. 

kihyun elicits another chuckle, kissing the side of the younger’s head. “i love you, my precious baby."

changkyun sniffles another time, wiping his eyes dry before replying, “i love you too.”


	95. Chapter 95

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 300+ kudos?? Thank you so much😭❤

“merry chr—what the fuck!” changkyun hollers as soon as kihyun opens the door with a huge smirk painted on his lips. changkyun then gasps out loud as he smacks his hand to his lips when he just realised he had unintentionally cursed out loud, and that too in kihyun’s house where both his parents are standing at the end of the hallway. changkyun quickly whips his head back to where both mr and mrs yoo stand with a very much amused smile on their faces. “i—didn’t m—mean to say that!” changkyun quickly squeaks and both the adults chuckle fondly.

“sweetheart, it’s not like you curse all the time like kihyun,” mrs yoo tells him reassuringly.

“mom!” kihyun whines from his room, peering out with a slight glare directed right at her.

“besides, i’m sure it slipped after seeing kihyun’s horrendous hair colour,” mr yoo adds, shaking his head. and he is right, not at the fact that kihyun’s hair looks horrendous but the colour is so far from what changkyun had expected (and it is not like he knew his boyfriend was going to bleach it!).

“now you’re both just bullying me,” kihyun retorts with a huff. “come on, baby,” kihyun says, taking changkyun’s hand. the younger gives both kihyun’s parents a short bow before disappearing behind kihyun’s room. kihyun closes the door to his room then turns to look at changkyun who has his mouth gape open and eyes wide in shock, staring right at his hair.

“when you so bluntly screamed, _‘what the fuck’_ , i hope you mean it in like, _‘oh shit kihyun you look so fucking hot, what the fuck!’_ and not, _‘ what the fuck did you do to your hair!’_ ” kihyun narrates out oh-so dramatically.

“i don’t use that many profanities in my sentences,” the younger says as he settles his haversack bag filled with his clothes and toiletries for the day on the ground.

kihyun hums, walking closer to the younger, using a cane now.

about a week after his birthday, kihyun went for his usual appointment then came back using a cane instead of his walker. this is huge progress since all kihyun has problems now is just balance and stability which can be improved with the cane. and when kihyun had first came to changkyun without the walker and just a cane, much more visible at the fact that kihyun is _walking_ even better now, of course, changkyun broke down another time.

kihyun circles his free arm around the younger’s waist, pulling him close. “my precious innocent baby,” kihyun cooes. changkyun’s cheeks visibly turn red.

“i’m not all _that_ innocent,” changkyun mumbles. kihyun’s brows lift from this unexpected answer before he gives a suggestive smirk.

“oh really now? what do you know that isn’t all so innocent in that precious little noggin of yours?” kihyun teases. changkyun smacks kihyun’s chest when he feels the heat shoot up to the tips of his ears.

“we are not having such conversations on the day the lord’s child was born,” changkyun says and this cracks kihyun up.

“you know, technically we are all the lord’s children,” kihyun remarks.

“i—”changkyun wants to retort back but kihyun isn’t wrong. “you’re not wrong…”

a low chuckle rumbles from kihyun before he leans in to kiss changkyun’s lips sweetly. changkyun rests one of his hands against the older’s chest while the other circles to the back of his neck, pushing their faces closer as he kisses back.

“merry christmas, baby,” kihyun wishes right against the younger’s lips, and changkyun’s smile, pecking the older’s lips.

“merry christmas, kihyunnie!”

“how was christmas lunch?” the older asks as he fondly looks at the younger.

“it was nice,” the younger admits. “it was really nice since it’s our first christmas dinner together with shownu hyung. we all helped minhyuk hyung cook for lunch and then we exchanged gifts!” seeing this twinkle in changkyun’s eyes stirs in kihyun’s stomach, so happy that the younger enjoyed his christmas with his brother and brother-in-law. kihyun couldn’t wish for anything more than for the twinkle in changkyun’s eyes to never dim as they shine much brighter with each passing day.

“did they already leave to your parents’ house?” he feels changkyun stiffen momentarily in his arm at the mention of his parents and so he gently draws circles on the younger’s lower back to subtly comfort him.

changkyun nods after a while.

“i came here once they left,” changkyun replies softly. although he is relieved that he won’t be spending another uncomfortable christmas with his parents yet the sting in his heart is still there, the fact that he won’t ever be able to spend one _normal_ christmas with his own parents.

kihyun’s kiss on his cheek is what brings changkyun back, his gaze settling on kihyun once more.

"no offense but how does minhyuk still have the heart to face your parents?" kihyun asks now.

changkyun sighs. "i guess—i guess it’s because he feels indebted to them in a way."

kihyun frowns hearing this. "i'm sorry—what?"

"i’m sure you’ve noticed by now that both minhyuk hyung and i have different family names.” kihyun nods his head. he first realised it when minhyuk gave him his phone number and noticed that minhyuk’s family name is _‘lee’_ not _‘im’_.

“my parents adopted minhyuk when he was ten. from what i heard, my parents had always wanted one child and that was it. they were trying for so many years that eventually they gave up and adopted minhyuk instead,” changkyun explains.

“maybe that's why i do believe that my parents are good people, you know?” changkyun says sadly with a really sad smile on his lips. “because—because they care and love minhyuk. they loved him so much that they chose to adopt him. hearing this back then i guess it got my hopes up a little too much. i thought if i tried hard enough, then maybe they would love me just as they love minhyuk. i should’ve realised it earlier that they never loved me.”

"oh baby..."

“it hurts knowing that my parents never loved me and—and knowing that they tried getting rid of me a few times before. it’s also stupid of me, isn’t it, to have hoped that they had at least loved me at some point, maybe even a little?”

“changkyun,” kihyun calls softly yet firm, arm tightening around the younger. “that’s not being stupid, not even close. you wanted love from your _own_ parents which isn’t something you shouldn’t be begging for in the first place.”

kihyun delicately cups changkyun’s jaw in his palm, making sure the younger is looking right at him. “i love you,” kihyun tells him sweetly, adamantly. “minhyuk and shownu love you, and my parents love you too, don’t forget that,” kihyun says, desperate for the younger to know and understand this. he will forever repeat this for as long as the younger needs to hear this. he will whisper them, say them and even shout them for changkyun.

kihyun sees the small smile tug up changkyun’s lips. “i know we can’t take away this pain because one way or another it will hurt since they are your actual parents but just never forget that you have us and we love you so dearly.”

“i know that now,” changkyun tells him as he cups the older’s hand on his face. “i love you.” kihyun breaks into a wide smile hearing the younger profess not only his affection but also his apprehension of kihyun’s reminder.

kihyun leans in to kiss the younger once more, arm returning to wrap around the younger’s waist to pull him impossibly closer to his chest until he is so much so lifting changkyun’s light body slightly off the ground. the younger boy circles his arms around the older’s neck as he elicits soft giggles into the kiss feeling his feet being lifted off the ground and fuck did kihyun’s heart combust right then and there to feel changkyun giggling against his lips.

once he places the younger back on his feet, kihyun litters butterfly kisses all over the younger’s face and changkyun giggles even more from how ticklish it feels.

"when i lose this cane you best believe i’m gonna carry you anywhere that i can," kihyun says against changkyun’s lips. changkyun flushes red with even the slightest idea of kihyun carrying him around. he had never expected the older to do such things and he was fine with it but now that the older has openly said it, changkyun can’t wait for that day.

“kihyun! changkyun! we’re leaving soon!” they both hear mrs yoo call out from outside kihyun’s door. kihyun places one final kiss on the younger’s lips before letting him go.

changkyun picks up his haversack and looks around for kihyun’s bag, wanting to help the older carry it to the car as well.

“where’s your bag?” the younger asks.

“don’t worry about it, baby. i can carry it. i didn’t bring much anyway.” and changkyun believes him. he knows that kihyun isn’t one to hold his pride and be stubborn enough to carry something he shouldn’t or couldn’t. if kihyun couldn’t do something he is sure to ask changkyun for help and the younger knows this much to trust his words now.

so changkyun nods, going to open the door.

“wait, you still haven’t answered me though,” kihyun says just as changkyun is about to walk out the door.

“answer what?” changkyun asks over his shoulder.

“what did the _‘what the fuck_ ’ mean?”

changkyun stares at kihyun momentarily before he slyly grins. he turns on his heels to then lean right next to kihyun’s ear to whisper, “it meant _‘what the fuck did you do to your hair but you look so fucking hot’_.”

and just like that, changkyun walks out the door, giggling at kihyun who is left gaping at the younger’s very much unexpected answer.

“wait changkyun!” kihyun calls out. he quickly slings his bag over his shoulder and limps his way as fast as he can out the door. “you can’t just walk out like that after calling me _‘fucking hot’_!” kihyun shouts as he walks down the hallway to the front door.

“yoo kihyun, watch your language,” mrs yoo warns as she walks past kihyun to head to the car carrying the dishes she made, being sure to direct a stern glare right at her son. kihyun just rolls his eyes then makes his way to the car where changkyun is already seated at the back seat with an innocent smile playing on his lips.

━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━

kihyun’s uncles and aunts are exactly like kihyun’s parents—so warm and friendly, that will be changkyun’s final verdict after meeting them. kihyun’s cousins on the other hand, to say the least, remind him of kihyun when he had first met the older. they aren’t exactly the friendliest, only including changkyun into whatever they were doing whenever their parents had asked them to but changkyun knew better than to intrude and so he would politely decline, going back to sit in a quiet corner where he feels the most comfortable.

kihyun, on his own accord, joins changkyun in the quiet corner. changkyun had of course coaxed the older to join his cousins who had called for him to spend time with them a few times, but kihyun declined every single time. kihyun would rather be spending precious moments with changkyun than wasting useless hours with his cousins.

after dinner is over, all the families have gathered in the living room,, throwing random conversations around and whoever wants to join in with their input is welcome. changkyun is curled up on the single sofa with kihyun, sitting on his lap, the older’s arms wrapped around him warmly. they didn’t settle into their own conversation, instead, they intently listens to the conversations of the adults and changkyun would occasionally giggle softly whenever one of kihyun’s uncles would throw in a funny remark. kihyun watches changkyun fondly and every time the younger would crack a giggle, kihyun would place a tender kiss on the side of his head.

kihyun never pressured changkyun to mingle with the adults or even his cousins. the fact that changkyun had met his extended families despite the nerves the younger was feeling is already an accomplishment. he even saw how changkyun had so bravely engaged in short conversations whenever his uncles or aunt came to introduce themselves to changkyun. kihyun couldn’t be any more proud of the younger because he didn’t shy away.

“i’m gonna go get a drink,” kihyun whispers to changkyun. “do you want me to bring you anything?”

“if there’s more juice pops…” changkyun trails off shyly and kihyun chortles endearingly.

“you really love the juice pops, huh?” changkyun nods almost immediately with a cute smile on.

“i’ll bring you as many i can find,” kihyun tells him. he pecks the younger’s lips before taking his cane and stands up to head to the kitchen.

kihyun mentally curses when he sees his cousins hoarding around the kitchen island and almost instantly their attention snaps towards kihyun.

“finally!” one of his cousins exclaims. 

“what took you so long, man? did that clingy boyfriend of yours not let you leave off or something?” another one of his cousins says, tone clearly infused with irritation. kihyun just keeps quiet. he knows that his temper isn’t the best and so colourful words are bound to be spit by him if he doesn’t control himself. kihyun walks over to the cooler near the fridge and opens it to get both his and changkyun’s drink.

“what’s his problem anyways?” another one pipes in. “is your boyfriend always this… how do you say— _weird_?” kihyun stills, his fingers clenched tightly on the lid of the cooler as his own anger starts boiling within him. he slams the cooler shut and turns to face his cousins.

“excuse me?” kihyun spits, trying his best to tame his anger.

“i mean no offense but don’t you find him at least a little odd?” the oldest cousin adds. “he sits in a corner all by himself and he only really talks to you unless one of our parents approaches him. is he some kind of loner?”

“i suggest you all stop assuming things about my boyfriend and just care about your own lives.”

“wow man, we didn’t mean to start a fight,” the oldest claims and kihyun just scoffs.

he knows how easily changkyun can be misunderstood by other people especially people who are so shallow and he hates that because instead of taking the time to really get to know changkyun to see what a wonderful person he really is, they simply just judge him on the surface level and quickly label him as _weird_.

kihyun was once guilty of that, but changkyun changed him. being with changkyun made him realise to never be quick to judge someone just because they aren’t like others.

“you still up for a few shots and a smoke?” the youngest cousin now speaks.

“i’ll pass,” kihyun tells him bluntly and the cousin frowns because this was unlike kihyun.

“if you’re worried that your boyfriend is going to find out, you can always sneak out once he’s asleep. we’ll be in the usual room,” the same cousin suggests. kihyun’s patients seem to be running thinner so much faster as he continues to hear his cousins talk. he wonders how he had ever associated with them before and never once felt like punching them.

“no, thank you. i would rather be spending time with changkyun.”

“what happened to you man? you used to be fun,” the oldest cousin retorts with the others agreeing. “did that boyfriend of yours make you like this?”

kihyun tells himself not to get into a fight, especially not on christmas night with their entire family out in the living room but at the same time, kihyun can’t just stand there while they all disrespect changkyun.

so, in an impulse, kihyun fists his oldest’s cousin’s collar with his free hand and shoves him back to the counter.

“you or anyone else don’t get to disrespect my boyfriend just because he isn’t what you all want him to be. he is an amazing person and just because he is quiet and shy it doesn’t make him weird, not even _fucking_ close,” kihyun is sure to emphasise every word. “just because i can’t walk properly doesn’t mean i can’t throw punches like before. so if you all want your faces to stay pretty for _new years_ , i suggest you all stop talking shit about my boyfriend and leave him alone.” kihyun gives one final shove before letting him go.

“i assume it’s fucking clear for everyone,” he states, speaking to everyone. of course his cousins don’t approve of this, but just like kihyun, they knew better than to start a fight especially during a special occasion. and so with much-displeased demenours, they all leave the kitchen with curses of murmurs stringing along the way out of the kitchen.

kihyun lets out a heavy breather to calm himself down. his fists are itching to punch each and every one of them. kihyun wants to hate them but at the same time he feels hypocritical because only a few years ago, less than two years really, he was exactly like them; kihyun mirrored their every word and actions and it makes him sick to his stomach thinking back to the person he once was.

suddenly, he feels a pair of arms snacking from behind him, making him jump lightly. he instantly knows it could only ever be one person. instinctively, he leans back into the body and sighs. he feels the pair of lips place a longing kiss on the side of his neck before the nose nuzzles against his skin.

“thank you,” changkyun says. kihyun turns around in changkyun’s arms with a small frown creasing his forehead. he leans back on the counter to give him full support while both his hands rest on the younger’s waist.

“you heard?”

“i—i was wondering what took you so long so i came to check on you but yea heard—not everything, just a little....”

“don’t believe them, okay? whatever they said about you, it isn’t true,” kihyun quickly tells him. changkyun smiles, genuinely. he pecks kihyun’s lips.

“their words hurt, i’m not going to lie, but you know me better than they do so of course i’m going to believe you over them,” changkyun tells him and he tenderly caresses the older’s cheek.

kihyun finally smiles, relieved. he lets out another sigh as he rests his head against the younger’s shoulder. changkyun cradles the older’s head gently, lightly carding through his blonde while he feels kihyun drawing circles on his lower back.

“i hope you know that whatever i said was true and i mean it.” changkyun nods into kihyun’s neck, placing another kiss right where his lips meet the older’s skin.

“why would they call you ‘no fun’,” the younger says. kihyun leans back to see the visible pout on the younger’s lips.

“it’s because i’m not how i used to be,” kihyun answers.

“how were you last time when you were with them?”

“my oldest cousin would always sneakily buy boozes and we would all gather in his room and drink until we’re shit-face wasted. sometimes they would offer up cigarettes for me to try too.”

“you smoke?” changkyun asks with widened eyes.

“used to but not often,” kihyun clarifies. “it’s only when i come to visit them. i don’t exactly like how it tastes but i would always take up their offer when they give me,” kihyun tells him honestly. “i assume they miss that ‘fun’ aspect of me.”

“i—” changkyun starts timidly, shy eyes casting down.

“look at me,” kihyun says, gently pleading as he lifts the younger’s chin to cast his gaze back on him. “what is it?” he asks softly.

“i like _this_ kihyun better,” the younger admits shyly and kihyun’s smile only widens.

“to be honest, i like the _me_ i am right now too,” kihyun says, leaving a peck on the younger’s nose.

 _and it’s all thanks to you, changkyun,_ kihyun wants to say but he knows it doesn't need to be spoken out loud. everyone around kihyun can easily tell that kihyun has changed, for the better, and it’s solely because of changkyun.

kihyun and changkyun head back into the guest room, that they are sharing with kihyun’s parents, after a while. kihyun’s parents didn’t mind sharing the room, changkyun was shy about it but he didn’t mind it either and kihyun was okay about it as long as he gets to sleep beside changkyun.

kihyun now sits on the extra mattress on the floor (where both he and changkyun will be sleeping) just beside the queen-sized bed as he replies to text messages while changkyun is out at the balcony, talking on the phone with minhyuk who had called to check on how the younger is doing.

after fifteen minutes or so, changkyun finally comes back into the room and falls into kihyuns welcoming arms. changkyun snuggles into the warmth, enjoying the familiar security as he lets out a tired sigh. changkyun always loves alone moments with kihyun, that’s when he feels the most at peace. don’t get him wrong, he truly does adore kihyun’s family (maybe excluding his cousins) but at the same time, such long hours of social interactions easily tire the younger out and it is safe moments like this where he feels like he can recuperate and replenish his much drained energy.

“are minhyuk and shownu doing okay?” kihyun asks. changkyun hums. he moves to the side a little so that he can look up at kihyun better.

“they just came back from my parents' place. he called to ask how i’m doing here.”

“shall we open our gifts for each other now?” kihyun suggests. changkyun gasps as he sits upright, completely forgetting the fact that they haven’t exchanged gifts yet.

changkyun gets up to take his gift for kihyun from his haversack bag and then goes over to kihyun’s bag to help him get the older’s gift for him. changkyun plops down, this time in front of kihyun with the gifts between them.

“who opens whose first?” the younger asks excitedly.

“how about you open mine first?” kihyun says.

“okay!” kihyun hands the excited younger his gift. changkyun doesn’t take long to rip the wrapping paper to which kihyun shakes his head, snickering at him. changkyun lifts the gift up to his face and gasps out loud.

“a wolf onesie?” changkyun exclaims. kihyun watches the younger’s eyes brighten up instantaneously like a kid just been given candy. changkyun drops the onesie then tackles kihyun into a hug. the older squeezes changkyun and kisses his cheeks a few time while the younger chants _‘thank you’_ s and _‘i love it’_ s.

“i assume you like it then.”

“i love it. i’m not going to wear anything else,” the younger claims dramatically. kihyun throws his head back laughing at the younger. he truly does love his gift from kihyun and the older is glad.

now it’s changkyun’s turn to pass his gift to kihyun. kihyun opens the wrapping paper (much ore gentler than changkyun) and he sees an a5 black-covered book . kihyun takes a moment to read the writings written in white pen in front of the book and his heart clenches with warmth spreading throughout his chest.

**‘for kihyun, the one who gave me a purpose. i love you.’**

kihyun’s eyes burn as he looks up to the younger who has been eyeing kihyun expectantly, wondering what his reaction will be. kihyun couldn’t help himself but to lean forward and press a long kiss to changkyun’s lips. changkyun happily accepts it.

“i love you too,” kihyun whispers against the younger’s lips before drawing back.

the older can feel his heart thumping against his chest for some reason as he readies himself to see the content of the book. when kihyun opens the first page he quickly realises that it's a photo album—a mini photo album filled with pictures changkyun took himself. he slowly flips through the small photo album in his hand with a smile on his lips, seeing all the pictures that had been captured by the younger and most of them kihyun is apart of it or he was there at the moment it was taken. there were some where minhyuk and shownu are candidly in the shot, even his friends are in a few shots too.

“ **decisive moments** ,” changkyun says after a while and kihyun listens intently. he intertwines one of his hands with changkyun’s while the other continues to flip through the pages. “these—these are _my_ decisive moments.”

the smile on kihyun’s lips widens as he looks at the pictures taken, the stories being told behind the lens through changkyun’s eyes.

“‘i’ve thought about this concept for a while after what you told me and you’re right. photography is subjective and i can’t please everyone with it but—but i can at least please myself with what i’ve taken with the story behind them, and that should be enough, right?”

“it’s more than enough because you’re doing it for yourself,” kihyun tells him. changkyun smiles at kihyun because he gets it now.

“i know decisive moments can either be happy or sad or anything in between really, but i wanted to share the moments that have made me the happiest these past few months,” changkyun explains.“i know it’s a simple gift,” changkyun continues. “but i thought it would be special, you know, because you’re a huge part of it—you’re a huge part of my happiness as you can see you’re in most of the shots.” changkyun lets out a shy chuckle.

“it is special,” kihyun croaks, looking up at the younger after closing the photo album.

changkyun didn’t have to say anything after that because kihyun gets it. this is one of the greatest gifts changkyun could ever give him because this itself is enough to tell kihyun that changkyun is trying, that he isn’t giving up on what he loves—that he isn’t giving up on life.

kihyun puts the photo album aside before delicately cradling the younger’s face in his palms and kissing him deeply. changkyun’s breath hitches for a second when he suddenly feels kihyun’s tongue licking his bottom lips but he quickly recomposes himself and leans into the older, fingers clutching tightly onto kihyun’s shirt as he kisses back as hard as kihyun. the kiss isn’t languid like it always is, if anything it’s filled with the hunger of passion. kihyun desperately pours out his emotions into this kiss and changkyun accepts it as he, too, kisses with such feverance, portraying his burning love for the man in front of him.

changkyun lets out a moan when kihyun’s tongue massages against his and it only prompts kihyun to pull the younger even closer with one of his hands shifting to the back of the younger’s neck. they can feel their need for oxygen increasing but they don’t pull apart just yet. they test their limits, continuing the kiss eagerly.

when they pull apart, their foreheads meet, and their eyes close as they try to recover from the breathlessness. changkyun’s grip on kihyun’s shirt remains tight while kihyun’s hold on the younger loosens as both his hands move to steady the younger’s body, resting it on his lower back. kihyun then places ghostly kisses from the younger’s adam’s apple to his chin then his nose, between his eyes, and finally one long kiss on his red, swollen lips.

“fuck, i love kissing you,” kihyun says rather breathlessly and changkyun shies away, hiding his flushed face against the older’s chest. he won’t say it out loud, but he loves kissing kihyun too.

once they have both calmed down fully, they keep their gifts to the side before turning off the lights and turning on the bedside light, they lay down together. kihyun wraps the comforter tightly around both of them as both their bodies are pressed closely together, trying to keep each other as warm as possible.

they both lay on their sides, facing each other. changkyun’s head rests on one of kihyun’s arms while the other hooks protectively over his waist. changkyun elicits a few choruses of giggles when kihyun nuzzles his nose playfully against the side of the younger’s neck, claiming his nose is feeling cold.

the younger slips one of his hands under kihyun’s shirt and occasionally rubs it up and down the older’s warm back. kihyun smiles at the younger’s habit, placing a fond kiss between his eyes.

just then the room door opens and kihyun looks over his shoulder and changkyun peeks timidly over kihyun’s shoulder to see.

“are you two comfy?” mrs yoo asks by the door, checking on the both of them.

“yes mom,” kihyun answers, giving her a thumbs up.

“if you both need anything your dad and i will be downstairs with the rest of the adults, okay?” kihyun hums.

she bids them both goodnight and soon they fall into a comfortable silence. kihyun from time to time would play with the younger’s hair by his nape or caress the skin just below it and changkyun would at times resort to drawing miscellaneous patterns on the older’s bare skin but their gaze on each other never falters, not once.

“kihyun,” changkyun calls after a while. the older smiles automatically and hums softly, silently beckoning for the younger to continue. “let’s spend new year’s eve together if you have no plans—just you and me,” changkyun tells kihyun. the younger’s eyes are slowly closing as sleep starts consuming him but changkyun tries to keep himself awake, wanting to hear kihyun’s answer.

“i would love that, baby,” kihyun says. changkyun breaks into a small smile and nods. “you can sleep, baby,” kihyun coaxes. kihyun cradles the younger’s head into his neck and changkyun snuggles close, softly nuzzling his nose against the older’s neck before settling comfortably.

“good night, baby.” he plants an endearing kiss on top of the younger’s head then tucks the younger’s head under his chin.

kihyun is happy that he didn’t trade the precious moments he is having with changkyun right now with the moments his cousins were offering hours before.

“good night, kihyunnie,” the younger whispers, barely audible but kihyun catches each word.

tonight, for the first time, changkyun prays to whoever may be listening above, not for pleas to save him or desperate cries for mercy. changkyun doesn’t even pray for a much better day than today. instead, tonight he prays to thank whoever might be listening for the continuous blessings after blessings that have been brought upon his life.

there is still the fear poking the back of the younger’s head, wondering how long this happiness will last like the others, but changkyun had realised that he had never once thanked the above for even the short-lived happiness he got. there isn’t a guarantee that changkyun will be happy twenty-four-seven because realistically, changkyun knows that isn’t possible and he doesn’t want to fret on that now, not when his heart is blooming.

so, as he snuggles close and tight to kihyun, gradually slipping into a deep slumber, changkyun thanks the above for bringing kihyun into his life because he truly has never been any more blessed than he is now. changkyun gives thanks for being happy today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you guys in the next final chapter :’) I love you guys💜


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